The Seventh Wing - 8. Chapter 8

Fort Weyr in the summertime was a cheerful, noisy place, awash with vibrant colors. The desert of Igen bloomed vividly at the end of winter, but by late spring the ground was back to its sandy browns as the heat restricted all but the most hearty of plants. Igen was a wild, rugged land that knew no master. The population made up for the stark landscape by dressing in light, flowing, bright garments. Oddly enough, though they covered the majority of their bodies, the clothing itself kept one remarkably cool. J'day had found the place and its customs startling and intriguing and very foreign. He'd wondered if he'd ever get used to it, ever consider it home.

Even though he'd been gone less than a turn, Fort Weyr seemed different to J'day now that he saw it again. Smaller maybe, though it was larger than Igen. Older, perhaps, but it was the first Weyr, after all. It was familiar and strange all at once, calling to him with a thousand remembered smells and sounds and sights. He felt rather like he was discovering an old childhood toy.

Gibbrenth's amusement rumbled in his belly. The watch dragon requests our purpose.

A visit, of course. We're here to consult with Wingrider Joreena. Will we need to speak to the Weyrleader?

The blue dragon by the star stones looked up and bugled a greeting. His rider waved.

Yadith says welcome back, said Gibbrenth. He bugled a response and then began the short glide to the Weyr bowl. Kelyrth is in her weyr. She has company!

In her weyr. She seems upset.

J'day hissed. You weren't supposed to tell her we're here! She'll tell --

Oh. J'day took a deep breath. Yes, please, Gib.

You will win.

J'day shook his head, chuckling. It's not about winning or losing.

Er ... Pesky dragon. He sighed. I have to say some things.

Tucking his wings in tight, Gibbrenth landed on the ledge between D'toras' brown Eacheth and Joreena's green Kelyrth. All three dragons nuzzled each other affectionately. There was barely room for the three of them, and J'day had to slither carefully down Gibbrenth's side.

I go, he told J'day.

J'day shaded his eyes and watched his dragon take off again, heading for a weyr high upon the cliffside. Going to Lioleth, no doubt. Smiling fondly, J'day paid his respects to his best friend's and his mother's dragons, and headed inside. Although cooler than Igen in the summer, Fort was still warm and J'day had his helmet, gloves, and jacket off before he'd taken more than a few steps.

Joreena's weyr was situated close to the dragon infirmary, so the interior space was larger than protocol dictated for her rank. There was an actual door at the far side of the dragon chamber, closed to indicate that the dragonrider had company and didn't wish to be disturbed. J'day set his hand on the latch, took a deep breath, and eased the door open.

Raised voices immediately assaulted his ears. He shoved the door the rest of the way open. In the large, open room, F'rian perched on the arm of an overstuffed leather chair, J'day's father's favorite seat. The greenrider had one arm resting on the seatback, using the other to gesture as he spoke. D'toras leaned against the hearth, holding a cup, probably of klah. He had his brows drawn down in a frown, but he looked more concerned than upset. Neither D'toras nor F'rian noticed J'day's presence. Joreena did. She caught J'day's eye and shook her head slightly. He understood. He wouldn't interrupt, but he did close the door quietly and shuffled closer.

"Of course I'm worried!" F'rian was saying. "I don't know anyone here."

"You know me," D'toras pointed out. "Just choose me."

"'Choose' you? I don't understand."

"A green's choice in flight," Joreena explained, "can be influenced by her rider's choice. Queens work the same way. That's why a queen's rider is so heavily courted prior to a flight."

"And why weyrmates," D'toras added, "often fly their mate's dragon."

"But he's not here!" F'rian protested.

"That doesn't matter. Just choose someone else."

"Haven't you listened to anything I've said?" exclaimed F'rian. "I don't want anyone else!"

Joreena broke in quickly, "We're listening, F'rian. I understand --"

"No, you don't! You can't! You don't -- I ... he's the only one who -- and now, I've -- this is all my fault!"

"No!" said Joreena sharply. "You're not to blame, F'rian."

"But, if I hadn't ...." He shivered, folding his hands over his upper arms, huddling into himself. J'day saw the top of his head dip as he stared at the ground. "If the rider's -- if who I want to -- to be with, decides, then -- then I've done this to myself, haven't I?"

"No. F'rian, no. Don't think like that." Joreena stepped forward, but F'rian jerked away from her touch. She let her hands fall back to her side. "Nothing's infallible. A lot of things can happen on a flight."

"Yes, but --"

"It's not like we haven't done this before," said D'toras. "Don't worry, Reena and I can talk to the guys. We'll make sure they know to be careful."

"No!" F'rian lurched forward a little on his perch. "You said -- th-that nothing I've said --"

"Nothing will be repeated," Joreena assured him, sending D'toras a glare. "But it's true that there are a number of men I would trust in this situation without knowing details."

F'rian leaned back against the chair, resting his forehead on his arm. "I don't know."

"F'rian," Joreena continued, crouching down to look up into his face. "You have to make the choice. There can be no half-way."

"I know."

"You have a lot of admirers," Joreena said softly.

"It's ... just not the same. I don't -- I don't know if I can do this alone!"

J'day let go of the thumb he'd been gnawing to stay quiet. "You're not alone."

F'rian jumped, lifting his head and clutching the back of the chair as he spun around. His eyes went wide, the color draining from his face as he stared. "J-J'day?" he whispered.

J'day took the few remaining steps towards his weyrmate, heart thudding in his chest. For all their months together, F'rian had never looked at him like that before, with so much yearning and so much fear, all rolled up together as if he were both the beginning and ending of the world, and as if he wasn't sure if what he was looking at were good or ill, or even real. They never broke eye-contact, even as J'day reached out and brushed a stray curl out of F'rian's eyes. The bronzerider smoothed his palm against his greenrider's cheek, and at that moment F'rian sighed a little and closed his eyes, leaning slightly into the touch.

Released from the spell, J'day's attention was drawn to his mother. Joreena had backed away. D'toras was already half-way towards the door. J'day gave them both a tremulous smile. His friend grinned and gave him a good-luck gesture, and his mother mouthed something that J'day understood to mean they would talk later. Then they were both gone, leaving him and F'rian alone.

J'day had been more than a little anxious by the time he'd successfully gotten his name off the list for punishment detail. T'rar had been very strict with him and J'day knew that he had very little time left. Lioleth had risen three and a half months after the first time, four months after J'day had arrived in Igen. If she rose early again, if that were the norm rather than the exception, then she could rise any day. He'd begged T'rar for a short leave of absence, to visit his mother, he'd said, but they both knew what lay unspoken behind the request. Once the Weyrleader had given his permission, J'day had rushed to make the arrangements. Forty-eight hours was not a lot of time, and he wanted to make every minute count. He hadn't even made the stop at Igen Hold he'd been contemplating since his chat with N'tom a few days previously.

The leather of the chair creaked under F'rian's grip and a trickle of moisture dripped into J'day's palm. He stooped forward on one knee.

"Rian."

He blinked, staring down at J'day through half-lidded eyes. He caught his bottom lip in his teeth, but J'day could feel the trembling of the rest of his body and could see the whites of his knuckles as he gripped the chair.

"Rian," he said again.

With a sob, F'rian slid off the chair right into J'day's arms, kneeling to hug the bronzerider, weeping and clutching the material of his shirt. J'day held him close, feeling the harsh beating of both their hearts, listening to the harsh, wordless sobs, and murmuring he didn't know what into the back of F'rian's head.

The greenrider drew back as he gained control of himself again and J'day let him go, but he didn't go far. Sitting back on his feet, F'rian grabbed the front of J'day's shirt and brought him forward into a kiss. Hands still on F'rian's shoulders, J'day massaged gently with his thumbs and returned the gentle gesture. F'rian fell back, clasping his hands uncertainly against his chest, eyes dropping down and to the side, color rising to his cheeks. J'day eased him back, so that F'rian leaned his head on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around the man once more, rocking slightly.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "That it took me so long." He blinked back his own tears. "Forgive me? Please?"

F'rian pulled away and looked at him for a long minute. Then he grabbed one of J'day's hands and pressed it to his chest, holding on with both of his own hands. He made as if to speak, but couldn't seem to form any words, so J'day took his chin in his free hand, and pulled him back into another kiss. He pressed their lips together slowly and simply, a chaste exploration from one side of F'rian's wide mouth to the other, watching his weyrmate all the while the spots of color high up on his cheeks darkened and his lashes fluttered against his skin.

When he opened his eyes, J'day stared into the pale green depths, mesmerized. Had they ever kissed in daylight before? Had J'day ever been the cause of such a color? Had anyone else?

"So beautiful," he breathed. F'rian averted his gaze, but J'day didn't release his chin. He leaned closer to place a soft kiss on the greenrider's forehead. "I love your eyes," he said, peering at them intently. They'd darkened a little. "Did you know they change color sometimes? Like dragon's eyes."

F'rian stared back at him wordlessly, but J'day could feel his heart beating a little faster beneath the hand still clapped to the greenrider's chest. He kissed a cheek, lips catching against the slight stubble, and smiling a little. N'tom had said F'rian loved praise. J'day couldn't believe he'd never tried that before.

"They're green now," he said, "with little specks of brown that sometimes look gold. I like this color. Very much." He kissed the slightly parted lips. "So like the waters of Nerat Bay, like I could drown if I stare at them too long."

Under his hand, J'day felt F'rian tremble. His chest rose and fell a little harder. His eyes, however, had darkened still further. J'day held back his frown and kissed him again.

Stay with me, he thought. Feel me, and only me.

When F'rian moved, J'day thought he'd given up and he closed his own eyes in defeat, his hand falling limply to his side. But the greenrider squeezed the hand he still held in his own and J'day looked back up. F'rian pushed J'day's hand further down his chest, in stops and starts, breathing hard, and staring into his eyes for all the world looking like he were asking for something. His eyes, though bright with old and unshed tears, continued to darken. J'day wasn't sure what he should do, so he waited.

He could hardly believe where their hands ended up, and he looked down, just to be sure he wasn't imagining this. F'rian shivered, not meeting his gaze when J'day looked up again.

"Rian?" he whispered.

The greenrider started, eyes flicking up automatically. He was pale beneath his tan, other than the blush along his cheekbones. Sweat beaded on his brow and his adams apple bobbed convulsively as he swallowed repeatedly in nervous tension. He breathed in and out his mouth, eyes fastened on J'day again. He released the bronzerider's hand and wiped his sweaty palms along his breeks.

J'day pressed down slightly with the heel of his hand. F'rian twitched, sucking in air through his nose, eyes widening, hands clenching into fists. Another shudder rocked his body, and he almost closed his eyes, starting to look away ... and stopped. Raising one shaky hand, he dug his fingers into J'day's shoulder, staring at him intently.

"J'day," he murmured. "J'day ... please."

Cupping the back of F'rian's head, J'day drew him close again for a kiss. He kept the contact light and tender, laving soft presses against his greenrider's lips. Slowly, he rotated his other hand such that his fingers faced F'rian's bent knees. He rubbed his palm across F'rian's groin in long, firm strokes, the greenrider's hands shaking uncontrollably where he had seized the back of J'day's shirt. As he dipped his hand between F'rian's thighs, J'day wiggled his fingers a little, encouraging his mate to spread his knees more. F'rian held him tighter, resting his head on J'day's shoulder, face averted, but he didn't draw away. J'day massaged the back of his neck, kneading and pressing with his other hand to coax an erection. Words wouldn't come. He couldn't think of anything to say, and so he hummed. The first song that came to mind was an old lullaby his foster mother used to sing him to sleep with when he was young.

F'rian whimpered when J'day moved to unfasten the ties to his breeks. J'day lifted his head, staring into the brownish eyes, moist with tears.

"I'm here," he whispered, kissing him gently. "It's me, Rian. Show me those beautiful dragon eyes of yours. Look, and know that it's me."

J'day held his weyrmate through a full-body shudder, kissing his nose. Their positions were really starting to get uncomfortable, so J'day used the opportunity to drag F'rian's trousers down to shift them so that he leaned against the big, leather chair with F'rian in his lap. He got an elbow to the gut as he settled his greenrider there against his chest, but J'day just kissed his temple, arranging the long legs over his own, and holding him while he shivered.

He traced F'rian's cock reverently, but worriedly. He was still only partially hard. If J'day couldn't relax him, they'd never get anywhere and he wanted, needed this to be a good experience for his weyrmate. Leaving the groin for the time being, J'day ran his hands over the bristly hairs of the inner thigh. F'rian's hands tightened in J'day's shirt, trembling between their chests.

"Let me see Nerat Bay again," he said, looking down. His breath stirred the black curls against F'rian's forehead. The greenrider looked up, panting, eyes wide. Supporting his back with his free arm, J'day held his mate close and kissed him, running his tongue against the bottom lip, and catching the tips of his nails in the edge of scar tissue of his thigh. The muscles tensed jerkily and J'day smiled around the kisses. F'rian had closed his eyes slightly, head pressing into J'day's shoulder. J'day used his mouth to tug at the lip his greenrider had captured in his teeth, nibbling at the corners as he hunted for that sensitive spot on his thigh again.

He found it and F'rian huffed a breath out through his nose. A couple of strokes later, he hissed against J'day's mouth, head falling backwards, his legs spreading in unconscious invitation. When he fluttered his eyes open again, there was a noticeably greener tinge.

"That's it," he murmured. "You're coming back to me now. I can almost see the ocean."

Tracing a path up the thigh, J'day ran his fingers over the hardening member listing against F'rian's stomach. He didn't grip, using feathery touches along the shaft to encircle the tip before reversing the path and returning to caress the long, lean muscles of the thighs. F'rian shivered again, but J'day could see lust starting to crowd out the fear in his eyes. They shifted color even as he watched, lightening. By the time J'day completed two more passes, the only things remaining tense were the fists in J'day's shirt and the erection F'rian now sported. His eyes were still open, staring up at J'day with a bewildered, glazed expression. His mouth was open as he breathed, gasping occassionally.

J'day breathed in F'rian's scent as he brought his hand up and moistened his thumb. He curled his fingers around F'rian's cock, rubbing his thumb along the opening at the tip as he squeezed.

"H-ah!" gasped F'rian.

J'day felt a drop of fluid on his fingers and began a slight up and down motion, taking care to spread around the available moisture.

"Open your eyes," he crooned, kissing his weyrmate and pulling at his lips with his own. "Open your eyes for me, Rian." He smiled tenderly to see the pale green of F'rian's eyes. They had never looked so beautiful.

He kept things simple, sliding back and forth along F'rian's length and kissing his mouth lightly, all the while holding him close. F'rian went from hot and dry to leaking copious amounts of prejack in one low, lusty moan, hips shoving insistently against J'day's hand. From there the end came quickly, with F'rian setting a quick, demanding rythym. He came hard, gasping, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks.

"Why? Why! I don't understand!" F'rian gripped J'day tighter, curling around his white-knuckled hands, shaking and pressing tighter into J'day.

The bronzerider combed his fingers through black curls, pain of a different sort twisting in his chest. He hoped he understood that the hurt and fears in his weyrmate's voice were due to his confusion. He hugged him tight, resting his cheek on the top of his head, hair tickling his nose.

"It shouldn't hurt," he offered, hoping he was on the right track.

"I wanted it to!" sobbed F'rian. "Because then, I -- it would have been the same."

J'day held him even closer, brushing his cheek. "I know." If there was always discomfort or pain, then he'd be safe, justified in holding onto his fears. Feeling joy or pleasure in an act that had previously been otherwise could be just as frightening, and brought along its own buckets-full of guilt.

J'day wondered why this came so easily, felt so right, holding F'rian in his arms like this. He was not like D'toras. The brownrider was steady, strong, and radiated confidence. He was one of the few Joreena tapped when necessary to ease a battered rider's fears. J'day had always been too worried that he'd mess up somehow. He had a strong, lusty dragon. D'toras' brown Eacheth was as patient and gentle as his rider. That was the main reason J'day and D'toras had decided to end their physical relationship. J'day liked hard and fast; D'toras wanted slow and sensual. They'd never been able to come to a satisfactory compromise.

"I am sorry," sniffed F'rian.

"For what?"

"I'm a mess."

"That's okay."

There was quiet for a time, but the tension in F'rian's shoulders gradually eased, his fingers loosening, the tears slowing and then halting altogether. His breathing evened out and J'day wondered if he'd fallen asleep, but then he spoke: "You don't mind? Me, being like this?"

"No, I don't mind."

F'rian sighed, shifted, and sat up, working his breeks back on properly and resting his forearms on his knees. He wiped his face with his shirt sleeves and picked at the drying, sticky residue on his shirt with a little mue of distaste. "I mind," he said, still staring at his crotch.

"F'rian." J'day held out his arms. "Let me hold you?"

The greenrider stared sideways up at him long enough for J'day's arms to start to tremble in their awkward position. "Why?" he asked.

Sighing and lowering his arms, J'day answered truthfully, "It gives me pleasure, to touch you." F'rian shuddered and looked away. "Why do you dislike it so?"

He shrugged a little with one shoulder. "I've just never been comfortable that way, to the best of my memory, and then, to be affectionate was a weakness I couldn't afford." A shadow of old pain ran across his face. "And later regretted."

"Why? What happened?"

Another partial shrug. "When you have neither hold nor master, it's a struggle just simply to survive. Everything must be paid for, traded for."

J'day caught his breath. "You were holdless? Do you have no family? Was there no one to protect you?"

"I took care of myself. I organized a group of other children, working for our keep, running errands, doing small tasks suited for us. Together, we could look out for each other." He lifted a hand to gesture around them. "A space this large would have a dozen or more people living here. Not alot of privacy or space. The Lord Holder gave us things, but they were controlled by those strongest. I tried to help as many of my gang to find other work as possible, but some didn't care to find another way. I knew I would never be big like those men and I didn't want to be controlled by them. Or by anyone. When I started growing, maturing, it got too dangerous to stay."

"Dangerous how?"

"I was no longer small enough to avoid notice. The jobs offered became ... something I didn't want to do. I could have, I suppose, and been comfortable enough with the right, um, protector, I suppose you might say, but only for a little while, and then what?" He shook his head. "I wanted more out of myself." His voice softened as he leaned back slightly, arms still on his knees, a far-away look in his eyes. "I wanted space of my own. I wanted to breathe air not already filled with the putrid odors of a dozen others. I wanted to turn around without knocking into someone, to have something that was all my own, to not have the worry about falling into a debt I couldn't repay. I wanted out."

"So you became a runner?"

"Yes. It was everything I thought it would be. Hard, but I'd worked hard all my life. I had a chance to make connections and go elsewhere, work for something else, but I liked it, the freedom."

"I heard about the brawl," J'day ventured.

F'rian bowed his head a little. "Yes," he replied in a small voice.

"They were runners, weren't they?"

"Three of them were, yes. The other two worked at the hold."

"Will you tell me what happened?"

Sorrow flashed across him, and old pain. "I thought you knew?"

"Only that a man died, and you were forbid to return."

F'rian sighed. "I didn't want to go at all. I don't like Gathers, they're so noisy and crowded."

"But you apparently know how to dance."

"Well, it was just something we had to do."

"Who?"

"All of us runners, to, uh, well, it was supposed to be good exercise, teach us to be light on our feet."

"That must have been fun."

"Not really," replied F'rian. He shifted slightly, tapping his fingers together.

"Why not?"

"There weren't many girls, as runners."

"Oh. So you danced with each other?"

"Yes," sighed F'rian. "We all hated it, except, well, I didn't ... that's when I started to realize ...."

"That you weren't like everyone else?" He saw a muscle tighten in F'rian's cheek.

The soft, "No," was ground out. "I think that I have always known that. It didn't seem ... unnatural?" he questioned himself, and then shrugged. "I didn't realize that such feelings were wrong. There's not a lot kept secret, when everyone lives so tight together, like we had, and I'd seen men, uh, together."

He clenched his hands together. "I took Tromand and his friends as my new gang, learned what I could from them, protected them as I knew how. It was a different place for me. I wanted to earn the respect of the Station Manager, I wanted to be him when I was older, and I wanted a place in Tromand's affections. That's what I learned, that my body ached for him."

"He was angry with you?" asked J'day.

F'rian shook his head. "Not at first. There was a place where several of our routes came together and I waited for him there. I took my chance and kissed him, as I'd seen, and tried to tell him how I felt. He said that --" F'rian lifted his hands to his face, trembling again, but anger or pain, J'day couldn't tell. "-- That he felt the same. I thought that I had found some real happiness. I had everything I thought I'd wanted. We bunked together in one room, but we all had separate beds. There was enough food, and clothing for us all to have our own, a place to bathe, every day, if I wanted. The job was straight-forward, I knew exactly what was expected of me, and I was showing my worth."

"He betrayed you."

"Yes." He peered at J'day. "The only one surprised was me. I don't know why, I grew up in a place where betrayal was only a matter of finding the right price. I should have been prepared for the possibility, but I wasn't."

"What did they do?"

"What didn't they do?" F'rian countered. "They kept my secret, at least among our little group, but they cut me off from any help I might have sought out. Their lies and pranks turned the older runners against me. My contacts dried up and disappeared. There was nowhere to go except back to the caverns, and I wasn't about to do that. They beat me, but I'd been fighting and wrestling even before I could walk and they didn't find that easy. So they stole my things, spiked my food, did everything they could to catch me off guard. The only peace I had was when I was out on my runs, and eventually they found ways to hurt me even then."

J'day set his hand on F'rian's shoulder and squeezed. He jumped and the J'day snatched his hand back. "I think I understand."

"No." The greenrider shook his head. "Not yet. Coming back to Igen, with return messages, I found Tromand waiting for me, at that place. I'd made a habit of stopping there, of remembering how happy I'd been, sort of to gain something to hold, in my heart, before I went the rest of the way. He was there that day, I thought alone, said he was sorry for what he'd done and could no longer," F'rian grimaced, "hide how he truly felt. I was so quick to believe, that he'd been afraid the others would turn on him, too."

"Love can make us foolish."

"Yes." The word was a sigh. "But it was lies. He distracted me. I didn't hear the others approach until it was too late. I fought them, but in the end it wasn't enough. Then, when he laughed at me, I just wished to die, that they'd finally do what they'd been threatening for three turns to do. When they finally left, I dragged myself to the creek. I wasn't strong enough to climb the cliffs, and there wasn't enough water to drown myself, so I just sat there, not wanting to go back. They'd taken my message satchel, there was nothing to hold me there. I made up my mind to walk as far as I could out into the desert and just let the winds and sand do the rest."

"F'rian," asked J'day. "What did they do? Can you tell me?"

"They ... gave me what I wanted."

J'day blanched. "All of them?"

He nodded, staring down at his hands.

"Shells, Rian! Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Who would have believed me? I was without hope. I had even," he swallowed, "liked some of it."

J'day closed his eyes a moment, angry and hurt, for his greenrider's sake. "So how did you meet the Weyrleader, then?"

"I saw them fly overhead. That was something I hadn't considered, until then. I didn't know how to go about asking about dragonriders. I only knew what I'd heard in the caverns, that dragonriders are lazy and do nothing but steal the rightful work and livelihood of others to placate beasts that served no useful purpose." He shrugged at J'day's shocked expression. "I made up my mind, then, that even that would be better than remaining where I was. I gathered myself together, washed as I could, and walked, as fast as I could, to the Hold proper. It was easy to find the dragons. I waited there until the dragonriders came out with the young woman they'd come for, she's the Lord Holder's youngest daughter, Shalaya is."

"I'd heard that."

"I demanded to go, too. The dragons didn't scare me. If they wouldn't take me, I could still go to the desert, but they did, and here I am."

J'day was quiet a moment, thinking. "So, when you saw Tromand again, he must have thought you were dead."

F'rian sighed. "Yes, and they meant to kill me then. Would have, if Lioleth hadn't alerted the other dragons. She wouldn't let me out of her sight for days after that."

"I could see that," said J'day with a small smile. "F'rian, I'm really sorry."

He frowned, puzzled. "Why? It didn't happen to you, and it was a long time ago."

"It's just ... I understand now why you can't trust me."

"I do trust you," F'rian replied, adding, softer, "That's what frightens me."

J'day swallowed around a sudden lump in his throat and held out his hand. After a long moment, F'rian took it. J'day squeezed his fingers, and then let go.

"I love you, F'rian." He stared into his eyes.

"Even after ...?"

"Especially now."

"And you still want nothing from me?"

"No," J'day answered, shaking his head. "I want everything. Your body, your heart, your company, your friendship. If it's a trade you want, then I'll gladly give you everything of me in return."

F'rian stared back at him, incredulous. "I ...."

"You don't have to decide now," said J'day quickly, striving to hide his disappointment.

"But, I have," whispered F'rian. "I just thought ... that you didn't want me. You seemed so angry, after ... after that night."

J'day bit his lip, his turn to look away. "You were hurting so much, nothing I did helped, except to leave you alone."

"I am sorry -- no, for that -- this, I really am. When I looked at you, all I wanted was your touch, but I was ... afraid. I was afraid. I am afraid. My body aches when I am around you. My chest hurts and I can't breathe. I'm aware of your presence, always, and my eyes are drawn to you, where-ever you are. I ... I've drawn so many pictures of you, I almost can't draw anyone else. They all end up looking like you. Sometimes I can't sleep, for thinking about you, thinking about what I want to do with you, and I ... pushed you away, like you said. I thought it would be different, but, to wake up, flight after flight, feeling each time like that day on the trail, I couldn't bear to think that you would do the same. I didn't want to be hurt by you!"

J'day was on his knees in an instant. He seized F'rian's face in his hands and kissed him, again and again, hardly believing that the greenrider was making no attempt to either get away or stop him.

"I can't hurt you," he told F'rian seriously. "Hurting you hurts me. I want to love you and be loved by you. That's why I came here, to tell you that, to ask you to come back, when the exhange is over. I need you, like I need Gibbrenth. I never thought it'd be possible to hurt the way I've hurt the last couple months, and I can't go through that again. Be my weyrmate again, F'rian?"

F'rian put his own hands over J'day's where they still cupped his cheeks. "I want that, too," he replied.