Uclaimed Hearts - 4. Chapter 4

This time we were humping each other. When our efforts synced and our cocks aligned it was a pell mell rush to the finish. His was frantic.. rapid fire humps. Mine was more a state of paralysis while my body was racked by paroxysmal eruptions.

We were spent… and yet we clung to each other. Our heads were on the other’s shoulder. We gasped and heaved for breath. We clung as if life itself might slip away. I felt the cooling ejaculate sliding down the inside of my thigh. Still I held on. The silence, at first necessitated by the need for oxygen became an uncomfortable presence. Awkwardly we released each other. Along with the change in the silence came a shift in our embrace… Now, it was a matter of not knowing how to… let go.

I released my hold on his ass. I pushed myself away from him. Our eyes immediately began searching each other’s faces. I didn’t know what to do and the searching just seemed to go on and on… It was absurd really. I mean what were we looking for? What was there we didn’t already know? There I was with cum running to my knee probably leaving a wet trail on my jeans and I was searching his face for approval?… rejection?… What? The more I thought about it the more ridiculous it seemed. What we had just done involved two grown men. Yet we were both acting like teenagers, with all the self-doubt and insecurities… How ridiculous. At least, looking back that is how I explained laughing… I couldn’t help it… I am not sure Bill saw it the same way. He seemed shocked and hurt. I reached out and gently touched his face. I pulled him in a kissed him, just a little one. More like a smack on the lips. I never stopped laughing. Guess it's like that book by Heinlein says, you laugh when you can’t do anything else. That smack got him to relax and open up to the laughter. His was not the almost insane, teary eyed, gut busting laugh like mine. But he finally understood and joined in. “Rejection? Disapproval?” How fucked-up can two men be? They just shared the most intimate act, that gave them an earth shattering climax… and they want to… expect to... be rejected by the one they shared it with. It was too absurd. He got it and he laughed. I didn’t have to explain anything. He got it.

Finally with a modicum of composure I wiped my eyes and looked around for my beer. I found it lying on its side just under the rocker Bill had previously occupied. I retrieved it and sat in the rocker. I wasn’t exhausted but I damn sure wasn’t fit to be chasing and tackling Bill should he decide to leave. Not at that moment.

I watched as Bill turned his back and stripped out of his jeans. He inspected them to see if cum had soaked through. He mumbled some cuss words and dropped them on the porch. He then removed his boxers and with his back still turned he began to mop up his crotch. Again I noticed the “X” on his cheek and wondered if it meant that treasure lay buried there. That thought was suddenly intriguing.

I was pulled from my reverie by Bill heading for the door with his clothes in hand, shielding his manhood from my view. In an almost sour voice, “I got to get a shower.”

In a fraction of a second my mood was changed. Bill felt dirty, somehow soiled by what we had done…

I thought about how I felt? I suppose the fact that I had to ask myself was a fair indication. I had enjoyed what we did. I would in fact do it again… given a chance. To me what we had done was just an extension of my attraction to Bill. I didn’t think of myself as being queer. I was just having fun. If it was with another man… it was still fun. Perhaps the best sex I have ever had. How could anyone regard it as dirty? I don’t think I would do it with any other man, but Bill was not just another man. He was the only man I had ever really liked since I first thought of myself as a man.

It began to bother me that Bill felt bad in any way about what we had just done. He hadn’t done anything to me that I didn’t want or didn’t let happen. I was taller and stronger than he. I got up and padded to the master bath. He was the only man I could imagine… kissing… holding… humping. I figured I had best let him know.

Bill was already in the stand alone shower. The steam rose around him. He stood hands against the wall with his head down. The shower spray splashed against his broad shoulders. Through the glass and the mist he appeared more as a shadow than a man. I almost called his name when I heard him sob. I didn’t wait. I silently let my jeans and boxers drop to the floor. When I slid back the door he jumped and moved to get out. I blocked his exit. I wrapped my arm around his waist and with my left hand slid the door closed behind me. I took him in my arms. At first he resisted. I was softly whispering things… things even I'm not sure what they were. I felt the tension leave his body. He melted into my arms, his head rested on my shoulder and he began to cry. It wasn’t a little boy cry over a skinned knee, this was totally different. As if he had held that pain for years. As if his world had crumbled so long ago and only now could he find a time and place to mourn it’s passing. Eventually the tears and sobs subsided. Still, I held him. It was until the all the warmth of the water surrendered to the cold that I released my hold on Bill. I turned into the frigid stream only long enough to rinse away the cum. When I turned off the water and came out of the shower Bill, himself still dripping, was there with a towel for me. My casual thanks garnered me a much more intense and sincere version. I was relieved to see Bill’s expression was calm and almost untroubled. “Ok, Chef William Weekly, what can you do about lunch? Great sex always makes me hungry.”

His shock slipped into a warm smile… not the crinkly kind but still a warm, sincere smile. He didn’t say anything. Instead he stood watching me as I dried. He only half heartedly applied his own towel. When I moved to the bedroom and extracted a pair of boxers he hurriedly finished drying himself. As he came into the bedroom I tossed him a pair of boxers. The fucker looked at me doubtfully as he stepped into them. I could see the surprise in his eyes when the waist band actually gripped his waist instead of falling to the floor. I chuckled. he blushed.

I watched him closely as I asked, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, not great, but alright. You‘re hungry huh? I guess I could serve up some cold S.O.S.”

“Even I could do better than that. I really don’t care as long as it's soon. I‘m about ready to start chewing on the south end of a north bound horse.”

Bill headed to the kitchen in just his boxers. I started to pull fresh jeans from the closet and thought… why bother? I headed out to the porch to reclaim the empties. Even as I was gathering up the bottles, I began to think about what had happened less than… an hour ago? I was shocked when I realized I had known this man who… who… kissed me and let me hump him, for less than twenty-four hours.

I stood there with four empty beer bottles in my hand thinking, except for those bottles, I could have been hallucinating. Perhaps the isolation got to me like a man lost in the desert may see a green oasis where there’s only sand. I didn’t really think Bill was a hallucination… I walked to the truck to retrieve his duffle bag. I was a little relieved when the O.D. green came into view. I needed Bill to be real. I dropped the bag beside his bed and took the empties to the trash can in the kitchen. The aroma that greeted me reminded how hungry I was. I asked what smelled so good.

“Take a seat and I’ll have it to you in just a minute.” The table had been set and a glass of iced tea was waiting for me. I took a sip. It was sweet but just enough to take the edge off. I liked it. I waited… almost patiently. Eventually, Bill served me part of an omelet that covered half the plate. I unfolded the cut edge and saw ham, gooey cheese, mushrooms, onions and what I thought were fresh tomatoes. When I asked about the tomatoes Bill confessed to draining canned tomatoes and reserving the liquid and the rest for future use. After about three bites I was convinced. This man was a great cook. I let him hump me anytime, as long as it meant he did the cooking.

Conversation was light and it focused on Bill’s cooking. We both knew there was an elephant in the room. We ignored that, knowing full well we would have to deal with it shortly.

In spite of the size, I finished my part of the omelet. Bill had eaten some of his. Mostly he had cut it into pieces and moved it around his plate so it looked like he had eaten more than a little. I took my plate to the sink. I brought the tea pitcher to the table and refilled both glasses.

“Bill, we need to talk. You can quit pretending to eat and bring your tea to the porch.” I walked from the kitchen. Only when I was in the hall did I look back to make sure he was following.

Once on the porch, I indicated he should take the rocker we had each sat in previously. I dragged another so its back was to the yard and I could sit facing Bill. We were touching close.

Since the talk was my idea, I said, “Bill, I’ve got to tell you about my rage. I wasn’t always like this. I never had a problem with my temper. I got mad, like most guys do. I got into fights at school, but never started one. In the army I got along with most guys… some I liked more than others. But, I never had a fight with anyone. In my senior year of college I was dating a girl, a freshman. We had been seeing each other for most of that year. It was pretty serious. We had sex, but never without using a rubber. The week of finals she told me she was pregnant and I was the father. I felt a lot of different emotions. Somewhere in the back of my mind I felt something was wrong. When I didn’t say anything right away she got angry. She accused me of destroying her life, her purity. I thought her choice of words was strange since we had both admitted to having had sex before. In fact she had sex with her last boyfriend even after we started having sex. She didn’t know I knew that… The sex was good and I wasn’t about to spoil a good thing. But, being a father to her baby still didn’t sit right… I knew I never went in her or even got my… well it never got near her until it was sheathed.”

“When I didn’t commit to “doing the right thing” she got furious. When I asked if she was sure it was mine, she went nuts. I told her I knew that she’d had sex with at least twice with one other guy, after we started having sex. She slapped my face and said I was calling her a whore and stormed off.”

“Later that night I was drinking, a lot. Her twin brother was on the football team. He and a buddy found me and he started in raising hell about how I was going to “do the right thing” by his sister or he was going to kick my ass. I turned back to the bar and he punched me right against my ear as I was taking a drink of my beer. I don’t remember what happened after that. Those two wound up in the hospital. I got a broken hand and a busted lip out of the deal. There were enough witnesses including the bartender so I didn’t get arrested.”

“The next day the girl came to my dorm room, crying and cussing me to high heaven. She said that she had thought I would have made a good husband but obviously she was wrong… She knew I was “an animal” and unfit company for civilized people. Her brother was a good guy and I had beaten him senseless. She went on and on. I was feeling pretty bad when she described his injuries. She let me know I almost killed him. His friend fared only slightly better. I couldn’t remember anything so all I could do was listen. She told me she never wanted to see or hear from me again and if I got anywhere near her brother she would have me arrested. When I asked about the baby, she told me there never was a baby. She also said that I should be neutered so I couldn’t sire any more animals like me.”

I took everything she said to heart. I mean I had almost killed those guys and didn’t remember anything. I kept a low profile and finished my finals. I already had a job lined up as a teacher and was all set to move. I was hoping that this didn’t get stirred around and cause me to lose my first job as a teacher.

I got a call the day before clearing campus. My dad had fallen in the barn and broken his leg. I went home and realized that I was needed there. I contacted the school and let them know I couldn’t accept the position. I’ve been here ever since. I dated a couple of the girls I had dated back in high school who hadn’t yet married. When it started getting serious I broke it off. I knew I didn’t trust women and I didn’t trust myself. I couldn’t get over the fact that they lie and I am an animal. Only contact I allowed myself was the kind I paid for, over in Dayton.”

“Bill, I told you I couldn’t stand you lying to me and you saw how I was this morning… Buddy, when I saw you like that, I wanted to hold you and comfort you. It tore at my guts to see you hurting so badly and know that my touch was the reason for you pain. When I asked you and you didn’t answer… I lost control. The rage seemed better than the god awful emptiness I felt. That’s when I became the animal she had told me I was. I figured you left because you saw how dangerous I can be. I came after you so I could see you weren’t hurt. Now, you know why I live alone and why I avoid people.”

Bill did something then that let me now he was a friend. He took my hand in his. He didn’t say anything for a long time… just held my hand.

“Josh, did you visit those guys in the hospital? Did you see them around campus?”

“No, it was a large crowded campus. Those two guys ran with the jocks. I only met her brother twice in the time I we were dating. I didn’t want to see either of those two guys. I felt bad enough just listening to her describe their injuries.”

“Did you ever go back to the bar, after that night?”

“No.” I exhaled a heavy sigh. Telling Bill all of that had been exhausting. “No, like I said, I kept a low profile. It seemed to me that everywhere I went people knew what I had done.”

“Did it ever occur to you that the woman who lied about being pregnant might have lied about the injuries those two were supposed to have suffered?”

“No, tell you the truth I was just relieved she wasn’t pregnant. It wasn’t until sometime later when I realized what I had done that it really starting weighing on me. That night in the bar, when I came to I asked what had happened. The bartender told me I had been jumped by two guys. I asked what happened to them and he told me not to worry that had been hauled out of the bar and were being taken care of. I headed back to campus and went to the clinic because my hand hurt. I asked if anyone else had come in injured but they told me if it was anything serious they were probably taken downtown to a real hospital.” When she told me what I had done… it all seemed to fit.”

Bill seemed really interested. He asked, “Did the bartender say those guys were taken away in an ambulance?”

I told him, “Not really, but I got the impression they were in bad shape.”

“You didn’t black out today, when you were in a rage, did you?”

I really didn’t want to do more than… warn him about my rage. I really didn’t want to disturb those feelings. “No, I was as angry as I have ever been. Anything was better than the way I was feeling. But, no I didn’t black out.”

Bill could see I was uncomfortable and he squeezed my hand. “When I told you about that soldier I beat up in Germany, did you think I had a rage like yours?”

I was quick to reassure him, “No, not at all. What you did made sense, if beating a fellow can ever really make sense. You were hurt, angry and worried. He just triggered all that emotion. No Bill, you’re not like me.”

He looked me hard in the eye, “Well, I must be. You were hurt, angry and worried…. Weren’t you?”

For the first time since I started talking about my rage, I wanted to know if he saw me as… as… as an animal. In those blue eyes I saw nothing but real compassion and concern for me. I figure he was just not seeing things clearly, where I… we were concerned. “Bill, of course I was feeling all of that… it’s not the same.”

“Look Josh, you’re a nice guy. There have been several times when you could have become angry and kicked my ass. I embarrassed and argued enough to push you over the edge. This morning was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Even then you didn’t even try to hit me or hurt me. You moved out around me to grab that chair. All your hurt and anger went into destroying that chair. If you look at what we been through so far, there is a lot of shit there. This could fill volumes. It’s no wonder you lost it this morning. Any man in his right mind might have done the same. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yeah, that may be so. Still that doesn’t excuse what happened in college. I can’t mix with people. I… I can’t be trusted not to hurt someone. I’m sure I’d wind up in prison if I got into that kind of situation again. Next time I might not stop at just hurting someone.”

“Ok, well let’s just say I been warned. I know what you’re telling me and I'm willing to take my chances. Fair enough?”

“Ok Bill, fair enough”.

Bill’s look became more serious. His eyes made tiny movements as they searched my face. He said, “Josh, tell my about how you feel about what we did. Do you still want me to stay? After what I said to you, after what we did? Aren’t you afraid I might make you queer?”

By now my tea was empty. I took both glasses and stood up. “Look Bill, I ain’t use to talking so much. If you want to hear about all this, I’m gonna need another beer.” I moved to the door. “I’ve yet to finish the first one. If you can keep your distance, I might just make it this time.” I smiled and was repaid by the crinkled smile that just warmed me all over.

When I returned, Bill was rocking gently, staring off into the distance. I touched the cold bottle to his naked thigh and he about jumped out of his skin. “Sorry, I was trying to figure something out about what you told me.”

“Something I need to hear?”

“No, not yet… it’s not important. Josh, I need to know how you feel about what we did… and I don’t mean… buying groceries, or how good a cook I am.”

“Look Bill, we don’t have to pussyfoot around what we did. We kissed and dry humped each other until we shot off in our pants. That kind of reminded me of high school. I dated this girl who'd let me play with her titties and dry hump her until I came. I couldn’t take it out. I got to where I would wear two pair of jockey shorts when we went on a date. Bill, we ain’t teenagers and you definitely are not a girl. You are a handsome, virile, masculine, man’s man. What we did was more fun than playing with that girl’s titties, or any woman has ever been. What we did was probably the most intense single experience I have ever had. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I don’t know what queers do together, but if that’s a sample, sign me up. Consider me drafted… I’ll join your ranks. There is one thing though…” I could see my words crush the smile on his face. “I can’t ever see me doing anything like that or anything else queer with no other man but you. That’s how I feel about what we did. Now, Mr. Weekly, as in Life magazine… how about you? How do you feel?”

Bill took a long draw on his beer. He looked me up and down for a long moment. His look made me think he was hungry ‘cause he licked his lips. Finally, he looked me in the eye and said, “Mr. Tibbits, until I met you I was trying hard to forget I had ever had any kind of sex with a man. When I met you, sex was the furthest thing from my mind. I told you already, that changed. You didn’t even touch me and that changed. When I kissed you that first time this morning, it was the greatest thing I ever felt. I didn’t cum, but it was better than cumming. I can’t really explain it. Then the second time… that was the most explosive sex I have ever had. It’s almost scary and we still had our pants on. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if we were naked in bed.”

Well, Joe, I never got to finish that beer either… It was about a month later Bill convinced me we had to track down what really happened that night I blacked out. Turns out the bartender was the bar owner and he remembered that night.

See, I had been pretty much a regular since my freshman year. He tells us I got knocked out after landing a couple of punches. After I went down he and a couple of buddies came to my rescue. They opened up a can of whop ass on those two and threw them out of the bar. My hand must have been broke by someone stepping on it. I told him what she had said about me doing so much damage.

The bartender kind of looked down at the floor and said, “I know you never were like ninety-five percent of college kids. You had army time and maybe that made you a little more settled. Those shitheads had been in here before and busted up some stuff. They were “football” jocks so nobody said shit about paying for the damages. So, when they came in that night, I remembered them. I gave the high sign and we just waited. Sure enough, they started some shit. Only this time we were ready. I’m just sorry you got hurt before we could get them taken care of. If they wound up with more than bruises… it doesn’t bother me in the least. They might have told the girl you did the damage. I don’t know. I never talked to her about you or any of that mess. She came in here looking for a job. She had been in here a lot of times with you and she seemed like a nice girl in trouble. Seems her family disowned her. She worked here until the baby came. After that we lost touch. Bars and babies just don’t mix. I knew the two of you had dated but I never thought you were the father. You ain’t the leaving kind. Still, she did say that the daddy didn’t know he had a kid. He did know she had a boy.”

"The whole story was so fucked up from what I had believed all these years. I would have collapsed in a corner and drunk like a fish except I had was pretty sure, I had a son. At least I wanted to find out if he was mine. I was sure hoping."

"With him making a couple of phone calls we tracked her down. The moment I laid eyes on him I knew he was my son. I felt like shit all over again. Here she was struggling, trying to raise our son. She was tough, I got to hand her that. We talked about our time together and about our son. She listened to my side of the story. A phone call to Max, the bartender and she was convinced I was not a homicidal maniac.

While she was making the phone call, Bill and I had a talk. He was said that I should get back together with her for the sake of my son. He would head on out to Kansas and we could keep in touch. I don’t remember what I said but it had something to do with dragging his ass back across state lines, hog tied and gagged in the back of a pick-up truck. I explained that the best she and I could ever be was circumstantial acquaintances, maybe friends. We agreed that she and my son could live with us. If not, I could help them financially and be a part of my son’s life. I talked her…. alright Bill talked her into coming out here and staying with us."

"She got into a bad wreck in town about a year after they came to live with us. She never regained consciousness. She had given the baby my last name… so keeping Jeremy was never a question."

“You’ll meet Jeremy when he gets in from school. I’m really proud of my son… our son. He calls me Daddy and Bill is PaPa. A couple of months back he came home and asked if it was true that most kids don’t have two fathers. Seems his best friend felt sorry for him ‘cause two fathers had to mean twice the whippings.”

“Before too long we’ll put some steaks on the grill for supper. I’m learning to cook, but Bill doesn’t quite trust me alone in the kitchen… Hell, I don’t know why. It was such a small fire.”

“So you are the guy that got the brunt of Bill’s first heartbreak. Joe, I know about the letter of apology. He told you about meeting me. He’s been looking forward to seeing you again. I know he wants to apologize face to face.”

“You say your friend got tied up with his family in Cleveland. Oh, he's telling them about you. I see. Your letter, letting us know ya’ll were coming, left a lot unsaid. Now, I can see why."

"Well now, I’ve told you how we come to be together… seems you got a story you might want to tell us.”

Dobie, our five year old SPCA mutt was excitedly announcing the arrival of either Bill or Jeremy. “She’s my excuse for having bought a hundred pounds of dog food. I told Bill I was planning all along to get a dog. Don’t you tell him any different, that will be our little secret.” A glance at my watch told me, “That‘ll be Bill pulling in the yard now. Hold that thought and you can tell us both what you been up to since the Army.”