Remembering Tim - 13. Chapter 13 - At the Nut Farm, Again

When I woke up the next morning I wasn’t in the ward with Sam, Johnny, and Peter. I was in a private room. There was a small window on the door and every now and then I saw part of a face looking in on me. Suicide watch, I was still a threat to myself. Only, I wasn’t.

I got out of the bed and went over to the toilet where, after pushing my pajama bottoms down, I sat down and began to think about what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I was kind of tired of trying to kill myself and failing. If you’re not good at something, isn’t it better just to stop failing and try doing something else? Five times I tried to kill myself and five times I ended up among the living. There was no “third time is a charm” for me. No, I was looking at getting into eternity on number six or more. How many times did I have to try before I’d stop?

Having not done anything, I stood up, flipped the handle to flush it anyway, and pulled up my pajama bottoms. I went to the door and waited for whoever was looking in on me to come back. I was hungry, but I didn’t know if it was still breakfast time or later. Had I been drugged when I showed up at the door beside a policeman? Had I? I couldn’t remember.

The person looked in and I knocked on the door. The person went away. I went back and lay on the bed. Not having anything better to do, I went back to sleep.

I don’t know how long I slept, but someone jostled my arm. When I opened my eyes, I saw Sam looking at me.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I went to the bridge last night,” I said.

“No, you’ve been here for two days, already,” he said.

“Two days?”

“Yeah, but why are you here? You’re supposed to be home with your mom and Sally. You’re supposed to be well enough not to be here. Why did you come back? We won’t be able to go to your house if you keep coming back here. You’re going to ruin it for us. I hate you!”

He looked as if he was going to hit me, but he left. I went back to sleep.

**********

I was in Doctor Randall’s office lying on his couch. At least I was in my pajamas and robe this time. He was at his desk looking out the window. We’d been through the pleasantries. Now the curtain was up and I was expected to perform my designated role.

“I know I shouldn’t have made such a big deal about Tim, since he isn’t actually dead, but he’s gone and probably won’t be back for a long time, so I got sad. I dreamt of doing it first, before I actually snuck out the house. I was sitting up on the railing when this old man showed up and talked me out of jumping, but it was raining and I nearly slipped off and fell to my death anyway. The old man grabbed me at the last moment and saved me. Did Melinda make it?”

“Who?”

“Melinda, the girl, young woman, who was on the bridge with me, she came to jump, too. She’d been in some kind of accident that made her ugly and she couldn’t deal with it. She had a gun, too. I thought I could’ve talked her out of doing it, since I’d pretty much decided not to jump, but the police showed up. She pointed the gun at her head, at the temple where the bullet would’ve done what she wanted. One of the cops shot her. Do you know if she survived?”

“I didn’t know about her. I can check.”

“I saw Kiel when I got there, but I told him he was dead. I told him he was a figment of my imagination and then I saw Melinda. I’d like to think I saved her from jumping. We were over the water and she was waiting for a tug boat. Then the police arrived and she couldn’t jump. I’m sorry, Doctor Randall, for going to the bridge, again.”

“Why did you go to the bridge and not try something else, like hanging.”

“I can’t explain it. I just wanted to die and I’m a jumper. Melinda wanted to jump, too, but she had that gun. She was willing to do either one, just to make certain she died. I know I hung myself, but I really believe it wasn’t me who was making me do it like that. Is it possible for your mind to trick you into doing something you don’t normally do?”

“Yes.”

“I thought so. I haven’t read the literature, but I suppose it’s available at the University Library. Do you think I need shock therapy?”

“No, I don’t subscribe to that method of treatment.”

“Good, I’ve read some articles about it and it doesn’t sound all that enjoyable. Do you know why I want to die?”

“No, you’ll have to figure that out for yourself.”

“Doctor Randall, do you love my mother?”

“Geoffrey, you’re in session now. I ask the questions. You give me your answers. When the session is over we can discuss personal issues, but, yes, I do love your mother.”

“Good because I’ve been worried that you were just fucking her because you don’t have anyone else to fuck. Not that I think just fucking someone is bad, but I was worried she might be compensating for Dad’s death. She didn’t seem to take it all that bad.”

“Your father was a sick man. He was already under a doctor’s care, but wasn’t following the steps necessary to continue living.”

“Oh, yeah, that sounds like him. Doctor Randall, how long have I been here?”

“Six days, why? Don’t you know how long you’ve been here?”

“I’ve been in the single room so long, I’ve lost track of time.”

“Geoff, you’ve been in the ward with the boys since you arrived.”

“I have?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes and you’ve been coming here to talk to me every day.”

“I have?”

“Yes.”

“Doctor Randall, I think I’m sick, really sick this time.”

“That’s why you’re here, but you do seem a bit more lucid today. I changed your medication to something a little stronger. I didn’t want to use it at first, but you seem to be handling it okay, now. So, maybe, you’ve finally come out of the woods and decided to join the party.”

“Sam talked to me last night. He was upset I was here. He said I’m ruining it for them. Am I?”

“No, Geoff, you’re not ruining it. You’ve just lost three friends, plus your father. You responded as you have been doing for the past year. We need to get you back to where you can respond to crises without trying to hurt yourself and without blacking out for long periods of time.”

“So, when do I get to go home this time?”

“Maybe in a couple days; we have to be certain you’re not going to do something drastic, again.”

“No, that wouldn’t be good. Doctor Randall, can I go outside today? The orderly can go with me if that’s necessary.”

“Geoff, you’ve asked me that question every day since you’ve been here and, yes, Arthur will accompany you, since we can’t trust any of the boys.”

“Doctor Randall?”

“Yes, Geoff?”

“I hope I remember this session. I’d hate it if I’ve been repeating myself all this time.”

**********

“What are you guys doing?” I asked. The boys were obviously playing a card game of some kind, but I didn’t recognize what it was, not that I played a lot of card games. The recreation room had a television, which wasn’t on; three card tables and six chairs; a large, overstuffed sofa that was so faded it was hard to tell if it had been brown or green; a window where a nurse or the orderly could watch us so we didn’t mess with one of the other patients; and two locked doors, one that went into the hall and one that went outside. No one was allowed to go outside the recreation room, no one.

“Playing a game and it’s too complicated for you,” Sam said. “Why don’t you go watch the television?”

“I don’t watch television if I can help it,” I said.

“You don’t watch TV?” Johnny asked, looking up at me as if I was weird, or something.

“No, I don’t see the point,” I said.

“You get to laugh, cry, get excited, scream, get scared, feel all sorts of things,” Johnny said.

“I can do all that, except scream, of course, from reading a good book,” I said.

“But, don’t you see, you don’t have to read a book, you just watch it happening on TV,” Johnny said.

“Why would you want to do that?” I ask.

“Quit talking to him, Johnny, he’ll only confuse you,” Sam said.

“Yes, Sam, sorry,” Johnny said, sounding very submissive.

I looked from Sam to Johnny, but both of them ignored me. I looked at Peter and he stuck his tongue out at me. I went over to the window. When it opened, I asked the nurse if she had any books I could read.

“All we have back here are medical books,” she said. “They’d be a bit too difficult for you. There are some magazines over by the window.”

“Do you have anything by Jung?” I asked.

“It’s in German,” she said, frowning.

“I can read German,” I said.

She gave me a weird look.

“And Latin, Greek, Russian, Norwegian, Chinese, Gaelic, Sanskrit, and, oh, what was that other one? Mother would know, but, oh, yeah, German, but I said that, didn’t I?”

She stared at me the whole time I was talking. She turned, I thought she was going to close the window, but she got the book and handed it to me. I looked at it and handed it back.

“I’ve already read that one, I couldn’t agree with any of his hypotheses,” I said. “Can I have a piece of paper and a pen or pencil? I promise I won’t poke anyone with it, including myself.”

“Are you going to write your mother a letter?” she asked with a half-smile.

“Why would I do that? I see the man who is fucking her every day. I’m sure he’s telling her everything about me, if she remembers to ask after they’ve fucked. No, I’ll work on my Sanskrit vocabulary or, maybe, I’ll work on some math problems.”

“What kind of math problems?” she asked. I figured she’d ask about me telling her Doctor Randall was fucking my mother, but maybe she thought I was being delusional. They expect that kind of thing out at the nut farm.

“Oh, I’ll come up with something,” I said. “Usually, I do stuff with cube roots, but maybe I’ll do something else. Cube roots are getting boring. I’ve been reading a lot about topology, but I’ll probably work on my vocabularies. So, can I have the paper and pencil?”

“I’ll have to check with Doctor Randall,” she said, whereupon she closed the window.

“What’s the cube root of 91,125?” Sam asked.

“Forty-five; ask me something difficult,” I said.

“How far can you do pi in your head?” Sam asked.

“How far can you?” I shot back.

“I don’t do pi, I do cake,” Sam said with a smile. “Do you really read Sanskrit?”

“Yeah, but I’m just learning.”

“Cool, are you feeling better, now?”

“I think so, but I’m still missing things. Like when did Johnny and Peter leave?”

“About an hour, ago; I’ve been watching TV. Would you like to come and sit beside me?”

“Can we make out?”

“Not here; this isn’t that kind of recreation room,” Sam said, with a grin.

“Are we friends, again?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

I went over to the sofa and sat beside him. Soon, the night orderly came in and told us it was time for bed. I didn’t remember having dinner. I wasn’t ready to go home.

**********

“I like holding you while we sleep,” Sam said after the nurse left at the eleven o’clock bed check.

“Have you ever done it with a guy?” I asked. If he was going to be my new boyfriend, I needed to know that kind of thing.

“No, but I like to kiss,” Sam said. He was lying behind me up against my back. We had our pajamas on, but I could feel the heat from his body. It made my cock hard. “I’ve never kissed a boy, except you. I have Peter blow me now and then, but I’ve never done anything else with a boy. Does that bother you?”

“No, not really,” I said, wondering if it actually did bother me. I knew it would be nice if he knew how to suck cock because I didn’t want to be the only one taking cum all the time like I had to do with Stevie.

“If you want to have sex with a boy, Peter will do it,” Sam said. “He and Johnny do all sorts of things together. I think they’ve even fucked, but I didn’t actually see them doing it, so I’m only guessing. Have you been fucked? How many times have you had a cock in your butt? Do you like it when a boy sticks his cock in your butt? Does it hurt? I think it would hurt. What do you do with the cum in your butt? Doesn’t it leak out?”

“Sam, stop,” I said.

“What? Oh, sorry, I do that,” Sam said. “I want to go to sleep now.”

And he was out, just like that.

I stared up at the dark ceiling, barely illuminated by the two night-lights that were kept on in case we needed to use the toilet. They didn’t want us tripping on the furniture and hurting ourselves. I missed Tim very, very much; so much that I started to cry.

I must have made too much noise because a nurse came in and just looked at me. I don’t know if she was bothered by Sam in bed with me, but she definitely seemed upset I was crying. She went away, but soon came back with a hypo. I don’t know what she injected into my butt because it burned like hell until I passed out.

**********

“Doctor Randall, does my mother ask about me?”

“Every night when I go home.”

“Is that your home, now? My home?”

“Yes, Geoff, I’m living with your mother. We’re getting married this summer. You can be my best man.”

“Does she ask about me before you fuck her or after?”

“Geoff, that is totally inappropriate.”

“You are fucking her, right?”

“I’m not going to answer that.”

“Last night when I was crying it was because I missed Tim and kind of about Sam not having done anything with another boy except having Peter blow him. Do you know Peter has sex with men?”

“That was the night before last, Geoff, and, yes, I know all about Peter. We’re here to talk about you, Geoff.”

“Did I miss another whole day?”

“The medicine the nurse gave you kept you pretty much out of it until this morning. We only use it if we think a patient is contemplating something drastic. It sort of puts you on hold for a while until we can help you sort out what’s bothering you.”

“I don’t want to kill myself. I know that, now, but I still think there is a part of me that wants to die. I don’t know why it wants that. Does this make any sense, Doctor Randall?”

“Yes, Geoff, it does.”

“Do I have to call you dad, if you marry Mother?”

“No, Geoff, you don’t.”

“Does she moan when you fuck her? She moaned quite loud when Dad fucked her, but his dick was so small she might have been doing that just to make him think she was enjoying him fucking her. Of course, it wasn’t so small that it kept him from fathering four kids. Does she like the size of your dick?”

“Geoff, I said I wasn’t going to talk about your mother’s and my sex life.”

“But, you do have a sex life, right?”

“I refuse to answer that, Geoff, and if you persist with this, I’m going to have to send you back to the ward.”

“You see, Doctor Randall, Stevie had me sucking his cock. We went all the way once, but he was the one who fucked me. Then he died and I was at County and was raped by some of the patients and staff until Darling, I don’t know his real name, took me under his wing and kind of protected me. I had to suck cocks, which was okay, except for having to swallow cum. They wouldn’t let me spit it out. Then Kiel came and he took me to Tim’s house where Tim made me let him fuck me, but Tim and I got to be real good friends and we started, I guess you could say, making love with each other. Doctor Randall, I love Tim very much and miss him very much, too. I can’t imagine living my life without him, but now Sam wants to come into my life, but he’s never done anything with another boy. I don’t know if I can handle him just wanting to be my friend. I like it when he sleeps with me, but I’d like it a lot more if he’d try to at least dry hump my leg. Am I really this pathetic? I sound pathetic, don’t I? It’s just that I miss Tim, Doctor Randall. I miss him so much I want Sam to fuck me. If that isn’t pathetic, I don’t know what is.”

**********

“Did you miss me last night,” I asked. Sam was snuggled behind me with his arm draped over my chest. I was hard, but knew he hadn’t noticed.

“I had to sleep in my own bed after she gave you the injection,” Sam said. “They put restraints on your arms. When are you going to get better so you can go home? We’re not going to be able to go to your house if you don’t get better. Are you listening to me?”

He rolled me onto my back and was straddling me. I looked up at him, but there wasn’t enough light so I could see the expression on his face.

“I asked if you were listening to me.” He screamed and then he slapped my face, hard.

“Hey! What did you do that for?” I yelled. He slapped me, again. I was struggling to get him off, but he held me down and started to hit me with his fists.

Soon an orderly was pulling Sam off me. A nurse gave both of us injections.

They must have given me something mild because I awoke later and saw Sam lying unconscious on his bed with his wrists in restraints. I got up and went into the toilet. As I was sitting there trying to figure out what I was going to do, a nurse opened the door at looked at me.

“Oh, there you are,” she said and then shut the door.

She was waiting for me when I came out. She had a hypo in her hand.

“Is that necessary?” I asked.

“It’ll help you sleep, that’s all,” she said.

“Okay, but I don’t think I need it,” I said as I climbed back into bed.

“Doctor’s orders,” she said as she daubed alcohol on my butt. Whatever she injected felt warm.

“Oh, yeah, him. Do I get restraints, too?” I asked. I was fading quickly.

“No,” I think she said.

When I awoke the next morning I immediately noticed I wasn’t restrained. That felt good, but I saw that Sam was still restrained, still unconscious, and had peed his bed. I wondered if I had done the same thing when I had been given that injection, if it was the same stuff.

I wanted to go home. So, I began to look for my clothes. They were in the wardrobe next to my bed. I went in and used the shower, but when I came out, Arthur, the day orderly was standing by my bed. I noticed someone had changed Sam’s bedding.

“Doctor Randall wants to see you,” Arthur said.

“Can I get dressed, first?” I asked.

“Why?”

“I want to go home,” I said.

Arthur looked at me for a moment and then smiled. “Sure, kid, I think the doctor will appreciate that.”

He watched me as I took the towel from around me waist. It made me nervous the way he was looking at me.

“What? Haven’t you seen a naked teenager before?” I asked as I fumbled in my clothes trying to find some briefs.

“Yeah, lots, but none of them have had as cute an ass as yours,” he said.

“Oh, gawd, you’re not going to rape me, are you?” I whined as I slowly sank to the floor. I was wailing loudly as I pulled myself into a ball and tried to be as insignificant as possible. I didn’t feel the injection.

**********

We were in Doctor Randall’s office, Arthur and me. He was sitting in one of the chairs. I was in another chair at the opposite end of the desk. Doctor Randall was sitting on his desk, between us. I didn’t feel an ounce of protection from the doctor because Arthur was so massive he could easily swat the puny doctor out of the way if he wanted to get at me.

“Mr. Sorenson, I believe you have something to say to Geoff,” Doctor Randall said.

“Uh, yeah, I’m sorry for scaring you,” Arthur said. He sounded sincere, but he was still looking at me with those eyes, the kind of eyes that said, ‘Kid, you have a cute ass and I want to sink my cock in it. Bend over and I’ll drive you home.’

“Geoff, is that sufficient?” Doctor Randall asked.

“Huh, oh, yeah, I guess,” I said pathetically unconvincing.

“What more do you want from me?” Arthur asked, practically begging my total forgiveness.

“Do you know how many men like you raped me down at County?” I asked, suddenly feeling a little brave and scaring the shit out of me in the process. Now, was not a time to be brave, not with Arthur ogling me.

“I’m not like that, Geoff, kids don’t turn me on,” Arthur said. So, that was it, then. He was gay and he thought I was cute, but he didn’t want to fuck me. Later, when he got home he’d have an image of me in his mind and he’d jerk off to that memory. “I’m sorry, Geoff, but you’re incredibly cute, for a teenager, that is.”

“If I was twenty, you’d fuck me, wouldn’t you?” I threw it out as a challenge.

“If you were twenty and not a patient here, yeah, I would want to get to know you and if things went okay, we might end up at my place where, yeah, I’d hope we could get it on,” Arthur said.

Suddenly, he wasn’t so scary. He was just a gay guy working around a lot of cute kids like me, but I was damaged goods and I overreacted when I didn’t need to.

“Well, if I was twenty, I just might be willing to go out with you,” I said. “So, you think I’m cute, huh?”

“Yeah, Geoff, you’re a good looking boy, and that’s exactly what you are, a boy, not quite a man, yet. You get yourself straightened out and come looking for me when you turn twenty-one. I’ll be looking for you.”

“Okay, apology accepted,” I said. “Is that good with you, too, Doctor Randall?”

“Yeah, I think that’ll work out just fine,” Doctor Randall said. “Now, Geoff, what’s this about you wanting to go home?”

“See you around, Arthur,” I said as he walked out the door. They fired him, of course. “I decided that I’ve had enough of this and want to go home. We can just as easily do our sessions at the house when you come in to fuck Mother as out here with a nurse ready to give me an injection at the slightest provocation.”

“You just can’t let it lie, can you?” Doctor Randall said.

“She’s my mother for God’s sake,” I said. “Mothers don’t fuck unless they’re trying to make babies. Is that what you’re doing? Trying to make her pregnant?”

“No, and she can’t get pregnant.”

“What do you mean, she can’t get pregnant?”

“She said she had her tubes tied after Sally was born.”

“Well, she should’ve had them tied after I was born. So you two are just fucking for the fun of it, then.”

“Geoff, can you please just let it lie?”

“Are you fucking my mother?”

“Yes.”

“Well, okay.”

It wasn’t okay, of course. I wanted him to fuck me, but he liked putting his thing in vaginas. The more I wanted his thing in this teen boy’s ass the more I knew that would never happen.