Breaking Through The Blackout - 2. Chapter 2

2

 

Around ten the next morning, he was woken by the sound of a light knock on the door. He climbed out of bed, quickly pulling on a pair of sweat pants. Running his hand through his hair, he hoped he didn’t look as terrible as he felt.

 

When he answered the door, Diane was standing there with a covered tray, smiling brightly. He stepped aside to let her in.

 

“I thought Id bring you some breakfast since you weren’t awake for dinner.” She said.

 

“Im sorry I totally slept through the night.” The smell of bacon and maple syrup invaded his nostrils, causing his stomach to growl so loud that Diane shot him a look of disapproval.

 

“Have you been eating enough young man?” she asked sternly but not unkindly.

 

He giggled nervously as he stretched, running his hand through his thick hair again. “I eat plenty. Believe me.”

 

She pointed at him as she spoke. “Just remember, when the stomach speaks, one must listen!”

 

He nodded as he uncovered the dish. The golden brown waffles looked amazing dripping with syrup, the bacon and sunny side up eggs beside them. “Mmmm..These look amaaaazing. Thank you Dee Dee”

 

He sat at the small table as Diane rummaged in the cupboards. She pulled out a coffee maker, plugging it in.

 

“I know there’s coffee up here somewhere” She muttered as she continued digging through cabinets. “I’m going to the market if you want any groceries. We need to stock the fridge up here. I mean you’re always welcome to eat with me, but I’d like it if you had some stuff up here too for when you get snacky.”

 

By this time Andrew had already began to devour the meal shed prepared him. He swallowed before speaking.

 

“You don’t have to do all that Dee Dee. I can go shopping later. You’ve already done enough. I really appreciate it, but I don’t want to be a burden.”

 

“Oh nonsense” She scoffed gently “You’re my guest, not to mention my favorite. Besides she said pointing her chin at him accusingly, “You’re looking a bit too skinny. I’m gonna have to fatten you up!”

 

Andrew laughed, knowing this was a losing battle. Instead he would slip some money into her purse later on when he had the chance.

 

He was glad to know that she remembered his favorite breakfast. She had always been thoughtful like that. He was always doted on when it came to Diane. She was an extremely gracious woman and he was very happy that she had offered him a haven, an escape.

 

She must have found the coffee because he heard the sounds and smelled the scent of it percolating. He continued devastating the plate of food, feeling a bit guilty, but he knew Diane understood.

 

He pushed the now empty plate away, his stomach so full he felt he would burst. Diane sat a cup of coffee in front of him and sat down across from him with her own. She smiled her approval at the sight of the plate.

 

“That’s the Andy I know.” She sipped her coffee, looking at him, and he knew she was going to ask something. Quickly he grew uncomfortable.

 

“What is it Dee Dee?” he asked, bracing himself.

 

She gave a wry smile. “I just see so much pain. Your eyes have never been so pained before. What happened to that brightness that used to live in your eyes?”

 

He bowed his head, slightly shamed, knowing that what she said was true. He had seen it too, seen it in the mirror each morning since David had walked out of his life. In truth, he actually avoided looking into his own eyes, doing so only when he wanted to truly recognize and acknowledge the pain.

 

“Talk to me Andy. Tell me what's happening. You haven't really told me what's going on.”

 

She spoke truth. He hadn't told her much about he and David's relationship. She knew he was gay, for it was she who he had come out to at the age of fifteen. She had accepted it without batting an eyelash. Regardless, he never threw it around like other gay people did. He was always respectful, and felt it inappropriate to speak to her about it.

 

He took a deep labored breath before speaking. I'm not even sure I can talk about it without crying. It’s painful enough to think about, let alone put into words. Talking about it would be like accepting it. Like facing it head on, and I'm not strong enough for that.”

 

“Well you know I’m here for you to talk, once you’re ready, but as for you not being strong enough, I know that to be false. Andrew, you are very strong, you just can’t see how full of strength you are. You’ve been through a lot, what with your father leaving and your mother burying herself in her work. Someday you will see, and understand how strong these experiences have made you. Once you realize that you will be able to accomplish absolutely anything.”

 

Hearing Diane speak so highly of him caused tears to puddle up in his eyes. He bit his lower lip, trying in vain to keep them from spilling over. “Its just hard, I never thought I could hurt this bad” he sobbed.

 

“Aww. I know baby. I know.” She stood and opened her arms. He accepted her hug, still sitting, burying his face into her shoulder. He sobbed uncontrollably, the scent of her lavender perfume bringing back childhood memories of how she used to hold him and sing to him.

 

Andrew had known Diane since he was nine. When his father, Jack had left, Andrews mother, Hope, had got a second job to make up for the income that had left with his father. Not wanting to leave him alone, his mother had hired a babysitter. He remembered the first day she had come to sit with him. It was in the spring and she had brought a giant bag full of books and things to write and draw with. They had sat on the back porch for hours just talking and laughing, drawing pictures. He had instantly liked her. As a young boy, he had been mousy and shy, constantly afraid of unwanted attention. He had few friends and was known throughout the family as the mild child. Diane had come into his world, opening his heart to the beauty of reading and writing. It was because of her that he had begun to write poetry, and to draw.

 

When he had outgrown the need for a babysitter, he had still kept contact with Diane, going to see her as often as he could until she moved away when he was fifteen. That was when he had come out to her, telling her he how thought he was different. She had held him then just as she did now, telling him that it was alright and letting him know he wasn’t alone.

 

“Diane?” he asked.

 

“Yes baby?”

 

“How come you love me so much?” he queried.

 

She patted the back of his head gently. “Well, I think you know you have always been my favorite kid. I couldn’t have children, and you couldn’t have much of a set of parents, so we were perfect for one another. I love you so much because I know how much of a good boy you are. You’ve always been so kind, so good natured.” She paused for a moment. “And that laugh. Oh my word that laugh you had was just so infectious. I loved hearing you laugh, because I knew my laugh wouldn’t be far behind it.”

 

He smiled through his tears, his head resting there on her shoulder. “I love you too Diane. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to return the kindness you’ve given me.”

 

“You have, and you do. All those times I cried about not being able to have a baby of my own, I thought of my little Andy, and it didn’t hurt so badly. You coming up to stay with me, sharing of yourself, all of these things more than enough repayment in my eyes. I enjoy your company, and besides, this guest house was in desperate need of a guest, and those dust bunnies don’t count.”

 

They both laughed, Andrew wiping his damp cheeks. He just sat there unable to think of anything but how much he appreciated this woman, his friend, who had started out as a simple babysitter. It amazed him that their friendship had evolved so much, that Diane looked at him as if he were her own son. It truly soothed the pain of the relationship he didn’t have with his own parents.

 

“Whenever you need to talk, day or night, you know I'm all ears.” She kissed the top of his head, grabbed her coffee cup, and disappeared down the stairs.

 

He sat for a few minutes, just staring around the apartment, lost in his thoughts. He wondered how things would change in his life now that he was single. Would he date? He quickly dismissed the thought as too painful. Maybe he would go back to school. His mind snowballed, ideas racing around his head. With a sigh he decided not to worry about it just yet. He had time to figure out what to do with his life.

 

He filled the sink with soap and water, washing the dishes quickly. He had to return the U-Haul the next day in Bar Harbor, so he decided to get busy unloading it.

 

It took him the better part of the morning to get all of his things up the stairs. Knowing that the guesthouse was fully equipped, he had sold all of his furniture before leaving. There was only one piece he had kept: an antique corner chair that he had discovered in Michigan with David the summer before. It was the last thing from the moving truck. Setting it down in the corner of the living room, he was hit by the nostalgia. He sat down, his parka still on, the snowflakes melting slowly. He let the memories of that day in Michigan flood over him.

 

They had decided to go spontaneously, which was the fun of it. They'd both called the weekend off from work, and on that Saturday morning in mid-July, they had wakened early. They'd made love on the bedroom floor, lost completely in one another, a great beginning to a great day. They took the lazy two hour car drive into Michigan, David driving. Andrew sat in the passenger seat, both of his bare feet on the dashboard. They had sang along to the radio, just happy and free, hands clasped on the center console.

 

On a whim they'd pulled into a large antique mall on a secluded highway that dead ended at the lake. He remembered he and David perusing the shelves and racks, “oohing” and “aahing” at different items. They had done all this under the watchful eye of an elderly man in his sixties, the store owner. More than a few times, Andrew caught the man checking them out with more than just casual interest. They had made a game of it, amused at the way his eyes lit up when they made physical contact. It was there that they had come across a pair of polished marble eggs that Andrew could not be dissuaded from. David, always playing the financially cautious one, had tried, but to no avail. Andrew loved spending money, concerned only about enjoying this weekend. As he was heading to the checkout, he had seen the chair, David shooting him a glance, but putting his hands up in defeat when Andrew had given him the pouty face. It was a rounded back chair, dark wood, with horrible reddish brown upholstery. Andrew planned on recovering the seat as soon as they returned home.

 

As they checked out, the old man directed them to a group of cottages that he owned, Elephant Walk, he called them, saying that he’d give them a special discount.

 

So they'd gone to the coast in search of these cottages. They searched for nearly an hour, almost giving up, before the located them. They were quaint, all surrounding a main house. A fire pit and a hot tub in the back yard made it even more appealing. It was a serene setting, and they marveled at the idea of bringing a few of their friends for a fun, sun filled weekend. It was something they would never end up doing, just another plan that died before being born.

 

The most vivid memory Andrew had of the trip was of how brightly the sun had shined on the two of them. They had played in the waves, talking and dreaming out loud. Plans unraveled in the crystal clear water. All the while the sun had shined brighter than Andrew ever believed it could shine. Its rays cast diamonds upon the waves, surrounding them in its glittering glory, every moment feeling priceless.

 

Sitting in that chair in Maine, clad in his winter garb, he could almost imagine the warmth of the Michigan sun kissing his skin. He could remember how lighthearted and loved he had felt in that moment, the feeling that he would forever be loved, that loneliness would never knock on his door again. With his head back and his eyes closed, lost in his memories, he felt that happiness once more.

 

His memory movie stopped. He opened his eyes and his heart ached once more, sinking like a stone thrown into the depths of Lake Michigan.

 

*******

 

He spent the remainder of the afternoon unpacking and sorting the many boxes, sifting through the memories of the life he and David had built together. He had cried several times, hoping that the pain would leak out along with the tears. Diane came up with an offer to go out for lunch, he declined, emotionally exhausted, but promising dinner.

 

It would be the first time he’d been out for dinner in weeks, and he relished the opportunity to get dressed in something other than the sweats and hoodies he’d been wearing lately.

 

“That’s the spirit!” she had exclaimed when he accepted. “Just come down when you’re ready and we will take old Daphne.”

 

Daphne was a red jeep that had been Warrens pride and joy while he was alive. A quintessential old man, he’d made it a tradition to name all of his vehicles.

 

“Sounds like a plan.” He’d replied with a grin.

 

He finished putting things in their new places, reserving a large plastic tote for relics he deemed too painful to display: pictures, small decorative gifts, anything that held too emotional of a memory. The tote he placed in the rear of closet, under a pile of summer clothes.

 

Once he had finished up, he got ready, shaving his face and plucking the stray eyebrows that had taken over in the past month. He dressed in a pair of stressed jeans and a gray turtleneck, opting not to wear a jacket. They would only be traveling between the vehicle and the restaurant, and he figured he could handle it.

 

As he made a last few touch ups, spraying himself with cologne, he decided that he would tell Diane the entire story over dinner, no matter how uncomfortable it felt. Baring his privacies, particularly his gay ones, made him slightly uneasy. He knew that he was keeping Diane in the dark. After all she was doing, he felt she deserved to know what was going on, so he would tell her about David, and about the breakup.

 

‘This is gonna hurt like hell,” he told his reflection, “but let’s just get it out of the way.”

 

With that he switched off the light and headed down the stairs.

 

Diane gave him a once over, showing her approval with a nod and a playful wink. She was dressed in a pair of black dress pants and a pink and black graphic print top.

 

“You certainly look refreshed.” She commented.

 

“You look great too.” He replied “It’s this sea air, always a big refresher.”

 

“That it will do. Just another thing you can count on from the sea. Now come on young man, Daphne’s getting hungry.”

 

They both laughed as they climbed in and made their way to the restaurant.

 

 

 

They arrived at the restaurant, a small place by the beach called Kessler’s. The inside was fairly neutral; its beige walls adorned with large paintings of the ocean, and nature scenes.

 

They were seated fairly quickly, considering that there were only a handful of people in the establishment. In the winter months, few residents remained behind. Diane had told him in the car that in the summer it was hard to get in, requiring a reservation.

 

Tonight they shared the place with a family of five, a couple and a few loners sitting at the bar along the rear wall, hunched over their drinks, eyes glued to the hockey game on the television.

 

Hockey. David. Ughh. David thought.

 

They were seated in a quiet area per Diane’s request. They sat across from one another, the votive candle in the middle of the table flickering gently, illuminating their faces.

 

Andrew looked around for the waiter, curious as to what was taking so long.

 

He heard Diane’s stomach growl, which caused them both to giggle. “That waiter better get here before I make like a goat and start chewing the tablecloth.” She complained lightheartedly.

 

He laughed again “Touché, although I think I’d start with the butter and the salt and pepper.”

 

“Not me, any more butter and I'm gonna have a hell of a time getting into a bathing suit come summer time.” She explained. She was slender, with healthy hips, but far from overweight.

 

“Oh stop that, you know all these men will be drooling once you get into your bathing suit.” Andrew reasoned.

 

“You’re one to talk,” she retorted, “You’ll be catching a husband and eloping before the snows even melted.”

 

Before Andrew could respond, their waiter appeared. He was a cute man of about thirty, with short brown hair and blue eyes. He was shorter than Andrew, but slightly stockier. Although cute, he definitely appeared to be straight.

 

He asked them how they were, all the regular nuances required of a waiter. When he asked for their drink order, Diane looked to Andrew.

 

“I recall your love for wine, even as a boy.” She said, referring to his occasional sips from her glass as a teen. She had always allowed him to try the different wines, instilling a love for the beverage that he still had for the beverage. “We will have a bottle of whatever you choose Andy.”

 

Flattered by her leaving the decision to him, he asked if they had a Pinot Noir in stock.

 

The waiter chewed his lip in thought before answering. “We have a Chilean that’s two years old and a California that’s four.”

 

“The Chilean would be great.” he said smiling.

 

He nodded and walked away, leaving them to peer over the menus.

 

“When did you start liking Pinot Noir dear?” she asked curiously. “I thought you liked your Rieslings?”

 

He had in fact liked Riesling for a long time, partly because he felt safer with that than he did with the more dry red wines. Over the past few years, he had panned out trying new things. He’d fallen in love with Pinot Noir and its complex, almost cherry undertones.

 

“A few years ago I discovered it, and now it’s the one I choose the most often.” He explained as he surveyed the pasta section of the menu.

 

“Well you’ve certainly got good taste.”

 

“I like to think so. I just like the sophistication that comes with wine.”

 

She laughed. “Who are you kidding? You just like the buzz.” She teased.

 

The waiter, whose name turned out to be William, returned with the bottle of wine. He opened it and poured a small amount in Andrew’s glass. He tasted it, savoring the dry earthy flavor. He nodded to the waiter, signaling that he wanted a full glass, Diane following suit.

 

They placed their orders, Andrew settling upon a roasted tomato and garlic pasta. The two of them sipped their wine, chatting amicably about wines and different vineyards. She informed him that the pantry in the guesthouse had several bottles of wine that he was free to delight in.

 

Mental note made he thought.