Breaking Through The Blackout - 3. Chapter 3

3

I really hope I don’t regret saying that.

Diane chuckled. “Now this could be fun. You’ll answer anything?”

He shot her a furtive glance. “Almost anything, yes. I can’t just kiss and tell now can I?”

She smiled. “I’ll go easy on you. Tell me a little bit about him, his background. How did you guy meet?”

He poured more wine in his glass before he answered.

“I met David through my roommate when I still lived in Ohio. They were in a long distance relationship that didn’t work out. Aaron, the roommate, was bragging about this hot guy that he had dated and he ended up having a webcam conversation with him while I stood off screen and goggled at him.” He laughed recalling the event. Aaron had been so full of himself, claiming he could get David back with the snap of a finger. How wrong he had been. “Aaron eventually pulled me into the frame and introduced me. I was totally embarrassed for a second, but David made me feel comfortable right away. So we talked a little bit and I made some lame excuse that I had to go do something. Later that night Aaron had gone out and I was watching TV when the computer started beeping, and I realized someone was sending an IM. So I turn on the computer and sure enough: David. We ended up webcamming for several hours, we exchanged phone numbers and decided to keep it a secret from Aaron.”

Their food arrived, replacing talk with the soft clink of silverware and glasses. For a few moments they didn’t say anything.

“So how old was David at the time?” Diane asked

“At the time I was nineteen and he was twenty-four. He was a student in Illinois, going to St. Francis University for history.” He explained after swallowing.

“What kind of family did he come from?”

“He was Greek, the family religion was Greek Orthodox, so as you can imagine the gay thing didn’t go over well. He is the youngest of three kids, having an older brother and an older sister. Both are married, and now have children. His mother owned her own nail salon and his dad works for a large computer organization, doing programming or something like that.”

“So he came from a much more stable home than you did?”

Ha. I’ll say, he thought, but he only nodded.

“How long did you guys talk before deciding to be in a relationship?” she asked, her fork poised above her plate.

“We talked for about a month, literally hours on the phone each day, before I went out there to spend a week with him.” He recalled the first time he met him David in person. He had come to pick him up, so as not to be there when Aaron got home. They had gone to a mall and walked around talking, both of them nervous. They hadn't kissed until they got back to the car. They ended up staying the night in a hotel, before deciding to go back to Illinois for a week.

“Did talking on the phone help you get to know him before you guys actually met in person?”

He smiled. “I fell in love with him over the phone. He was so supportive and understanding, so yes, I would say the phone helped. I loved him before I truly had met him.”

She nodded. “I can understand that. So when did you move out there?”

“Four months after we started talking. Aaron had moved to Alabama to be a porn star, and I really didn’t know where to go from there so I moved to a little town out there. David lived with his parents at the time, about a half an hour away. So I moved into a little studio apartment and got a job as a property manager for several apartment buildings. It was under the table work. David was still in college, and when he graduated we were supposed to move in together. Things went smooth, I ended up getting a roommate and a bigger place, which was good because I hated the lack of space. David came out several times a week to stay with me.”

He paused, sipping his wine.

“So do you think you guys were in love?” she asked, taking advantage of the silence.

“I’ve realized that I can only speak for myself, and yes, I was very much in love with David. I felt that David loved me. We had our fights, and sometimes negativity would stew for several days, but we always got past it somehow. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for him, and I feel like he felt the same way. Things just got difficult, with him staying at his parents and not moving in with me like he said he would from the beginning.”

“He promised he’d move in with you and then didn’t?” she was touching nerves now and Andrew grew a bit uncomfortable. He had planned on plowing through the basics just to be done with it. The questions she was asking were edging the comfort zone line. He had drunk just enough wine to answer the surface questions, but deeper ones made him cringe.

“He did.” Andrew replied with a sigh. “And up to the day we split he never really lived with me. It just hurt that I was giving all I had to make it happen, but he was so resistant to it. The Christmas before we broke up he asked about it, but by that time I had gotten a little bitter about it. I told him it wasn’t important…”

He felt the tightness in his chest that signaled tears were on their way. He knew there had been times when his stubbornness had stood in the way of he and David's relationship, and when the subject of David moving in came up again at Christmas, it was no different. He was stubborn, and now he regretted it.

Too little too late.

Diane must have sensed his tension, for she dropped the subject. They had cleared their plates at this point, and they both sat in silence as the waiter cleared the table.

“I get the feeling that you are somehow blaming yourself Andrew.” She said, breaking the silence.

“That’s because I am. I screwed up a lot. I know I did. Its just a hard thing to admit to yourself, ya know? Knowing that you contributed to the demise of the very thing you lived for.”

“I know it sounds cliché but we all make mistakes. You can’t blame yourself; it’s just a part of growing. Do you want him back?”

“That kind of goes without saying. Of course I do.” He admonished.

Don’t I? he thought.

Of course there had been times when, frustrated, he had wanted to quit, wanted to just leave David and start fresh, but those feelings had never lasted. They had always patched things up and made them work. More often than not, he had found himself giving in, trying to make himself a better boyfriend. After all, relationships were all about compromise.

They decided against dessert and as they got up to leave, the waiter returned with a napkin, which he held out to Andrew.

“From the gentleman at the bar, the one in the ball cap.” he explained, seeing Andrews look of confusion.

Andrew looked towards the bar. The only man wearing a ball cap was faced the opposite direction.

Diane chuckled. “See, like I said, you’ll be married off by the time summers even here. Are you going to say something? Introduce yourself at least?”

He rolled his eyes “Hardly.” Without even reading the napkin, he shoved it in his pocket and pushed in his chair.

*******

Neither of them spoke on the ride home, the radio played on low, the lights of the dashboard illuminating Diane’s face as she drove.

Andrew stared out the window, thinking again of whether or not he actually wanted David back. He missed the small touches, the cuddling and the closeness that they had shared. He missed the times they had spent together. But did I love him? He had always spoken highly of David to his friends, had remained faithful throughout their relationship, and did his best to be a good boyfriend. In his opinion, those things alone signaled his love for the man, not to mention the fact that any day he would have died for David. He still would.

His conscience chimed in, adding to his disdain and confusion. Maybe you were simply in love with the idea of being in love.

He had given that thought before, and to a degree it was true. He idealized relationships, seeing them as a status symbol. You were more mature and responsible in a relationship, because you had to be.

But you weren’t. Were you big spender?

He chewed his lip. That had been his biggest fault of all in the relationship, probably the biggest reason it hadn't worked out. Andrew recalled the numerous times he had fallen short on bills because he hadn't budgeted his money. He loved eating out, he loved shopping, but he hated budgeting. David had tried reining him in, tried teaching him to balance his income and his spending, but Andrew hadn't really put much effort in. He hadn't done it on purpose, and when he would discover it, he would feel ashamed, knowing that it would fall on David.

But that doesn’t mean you didn’t love him. Or does it?

Of course it didn’t. You can love someone and still be a fuckup, Andrew thought.

ENOUGH. He told himself.

When they reached the house, he thanked Diane for dinner, and turned to go to the guesthouse. She gently grabbed his arm.

He looked into her eyes, a bit confused, maybe from the wine, or maybe from the scramble he was having with his head.

Head case.

“Don’t beat yourself up over this. Things get better, and I know it doesn’t feel like that right now, but you’ll see, it really does get better.” She said in a serious tone.

“Thanks.” He really didn’t know what else to say. He wasn’t go to whine or snivel. It would only waste both of their time. He gave her a quick hug and a noncommittal “G’night” before he strode off to the guest house.

He kept the lights off, lighting several candles instead. He dug through a stack of CDs, choosing one that David had burned for him less than a month ago. It had a collection of their favorite songs on it, and had already been played hundreds of times. He kept the volume low, stripping his pants off, laying prone on the living room floor in only his shirt and underwear. He sighed before covering his eyes with his arm.

I just want to forget. Forget it all and be done.

He woke up several hours later, the room silent. The CD had played all the way through and several of the votive candles had burned out. He sat up, wiped his eyes and had a sudden urge to be next to the ocean. Though it was dark, he decided to do walk to the beach.

The affects of the wine had worn evaporated, so before walking out the door, he opened the pantry and grabbed the nearest wine bottle on a shelf of several. He wanted to feel sedated and the wine would help him to achieve that. After uncorking it, he tiptoed down the stairs, unsure why, considering that Diane wouldn’t hear him.

He slipped down the driveway, sticking to the shadows, the bottle tucked out of sight in the crook of his arm. The lights in the main house were dark. Glancing at his watch he saw that it was 12:41.

It was only several blocks to the beach, which would be great in the summer. He plodded down the street trying to keep his mind empty, one hand in his pocket, the other clutching the neck of the bottle. Every dozen yards or so, he would tilt his head back and take a large gulp of the scarlet liquid.

Most of the houses were dark, due to the fact that they were used primarily as summer homes. Now they were forgotten, cold and lonely.

Kinda like you.

He gulped more wine.

The houses were empty, longing to be loved; and they would be. Summer would come and with it their owners. They would be opened once more, their rooms full of laughter, fun, and sea air.

It seemed to Andrew that for him, summer would never again return. No laughter would fill his heart. The winter that had descended upon his life would surely never leave him.

As he neared the beach, the air grew colder, the wind more biting. The wine was already wrapping him in that warm, fuzzy glow. He felt it warming his cheeks despite the frigid temperature. There was no snow, no wind colder than the ice that had encased his heart.

He crested a small hill, finally catching sight of the ocean. It was breathtaking, the pale strands of moonlight glinting off the back of the enormous indigo creature. The smell of salt assaulted his nostrils.

He had missed the ocean; he had spent years in the Midwest, without ever seeing his closest friend. And on this dark March night, he and his dearest friend, the one he would always love, they reunited. He stood there for a moment, guzzling wine and taking it all in. His mind was slowing, no hurt, no pain, no memories. For the first time in months, Andrews mind was mercifully still.