Rays of the moon - 1. Chapter 1 Shell of who I was

I fell! I know that may sounds odd, because I don’t know where I fell or how I fell or why? I’m so lost...let me try to explain.

I’m told my name is Tanner I am 17. I don’t know if it’s true or not, I can’t remember anything before or after. I’m told that I have amnesia and that I have blocked out everything because I had a very traumatic event happen to me but as you can tell by now I don’t remember.

I can tell you this, which I have no doubt‘s about me. I have brown hair that is cut and trimmed into a hair style some would call a Fauxhawk , my eyes are light forest green ,my height is 5’9 and I seem to like wearing baggy shirts and I hate red M&M’s don’t know why. I seem to be you average teenager if you don’t count the memory loss. Those are things I know for a fact and that in its self took me a few days realize.

The sound of an alarm clock blaring its entire fuck you beep’s to the world is never pleasant, but I guess it would not wake you up if it was not something that could drive you insane. Don’t get me wrong I love morning’s but I bless the man or woman who came up with the snooze button which I love using up to twice every day, because as you know every teen would rather sleep then get up to go to hell. By hell I mean school. As much as I love mornings school is not loved at all not only do I not get along with a few of my fellow classmates. I’m seen as the black sheep and don’t even try to get me started when everyone found out I was gay!

As my alarm goes off for the third time that morning I end up dragging my butt out of bed “fuck why can’t it be a Sunday?” I groan as I march myself towards the bathroom for my morning ritual of relieving my bladder, jumping in the shower and brushing my teeth. If I was ever asked why I liked mornings so much, this would be the best part of my day, during the week.

That is when my mother starts her daily routine of trying to rush me which always starts with her banging on the bathroom door and saying “Honey hurry up you will make me late for work!”

“Mom I can walk to school like a big boy you don’t have to worry about dropping me off. I mean it’s just a few blocks from the house and your job is the other way.” I say this with love to my mother as she seems to feel after everything that’s happened to me, it’s made me a fragile person. I know it’s because she loves me and worries but it kills me inside that I’m not a whole person or who I use to be in her eyes.

“Tanner you know that’s not...” I cut her off from finishing her comment “Mom I know you love me and care about me, never think otherwise, but I want to feel normal today. Can I just walk to school? I hear her sigh and I know I won the battle for this morning “ok Tanner I’m going to work “

I head back to my bedroom and go to my closet and grab the first pair of clothes I can find. Now I know this may sound a little vain but I love watching myself dress. I just can’t help thinking damn I would do me! It always makes me smile as I start taking my last steps getting ready by styling my hair and grabbing my gear and book bag

My stomach starts to rumble, yelling at me that it’s time to hit the kitchen and hunt down something to eat for breakfast. After finishing up my meal and rinsing and putting everything away, I grab all my shit and slip on my flip flops that I always leave near the door and make my way outside.

It’s a beautiful morning the sun is shining high and birds are chirping it would be a really good day to just laze around a pool and go swimming but hell is calling my name today

I take my sweet time walking down the side walk towards school and make it just about half way before I hear a girl I go to school with screaming my name

“Hey Clair” I say chirpily as she catches up with me.

“Tanner the one thing I dislike about you is your people”

“What are you talking about Clair?”I ask feeling a little annoyed at her statement.

Clair stops walking and looks at me like she is missing something “Tanner I’m talking about morning people”

Sigh “Clair it’s too early for you to start this shit” she scoffs at me before punching my shoulder.

”yep you’re right”

I just shake my head as we find ourselves in front of every kid’s hell. Yup school!

We part ways before entering because she is a senior and I’m a junior, which means different hallways and classrooms. I don’t know if everyone else feels this way when they take their first step in the morning into the hallway of school, but it feels like a mad house as everyone rushes to their lockers or classrooms. It seems like chaos but if you look closely it’s more like a dance every one so close and moving and crashing against each other it’s sort of wonderful I guess.

I make it to my locker, before my day dream is shattered by a hand slapping the back of my head jostling me back into reality just in time to hear “hey fag.”

“Chance I have told you once before not to lay your hands on me” I growl out in frustration.

His face contorts into a sneer and he tries to smack me once again, but is stopped when my hand snatches his wrist. I take my right palm and slam it into the center of his chest which brings him to his knees out of breath. In my anger and rage, I don’t notice a crowd of students gathering around till I feel the hand of Mr. Anders, my principle, on my shoulder as he tells the kids to break it up and go to class.

“I want you both in my office now, “he says before walking off.

“Thanks Chance you had to fuck up my morning now we might be suspended again” I hold my anger in check as I stare him down this would be our 6^th fight on school grounds since coming back home.

I won’t even say what happened in the office I’m sure you all know what happened …we got suspended. We were lucky because it was just for two days and he let us go without ringing our parents. I know I should not be happy about it but I really don’t like school any way so having what I see as a get out of school pass sort of made me happy, so I just walked to my locker and started my way home. Everything looked brighter till the storm clouds formed which was just my luck because as the first drops of rain hit me. I found there was no were to go for cover. I put my head down and kept going till I heard a car slow down and someone yell to get in. Of course, I took the offer without a second thought till I plopped down on the passenger seat and looked over to see Chance. I think I might be the most unlucky guy in the world.

“Calm down Tanner I was just trying to be nice.” He leaned over to turn the heat up hoping to stop me from shivering. “Fuck you look cold”

I can’t help but smile maybe he cares even if it’s just a little “Thanks Chance it means a lot that you stopped to help me. Did I hurt you with what I did?”His face looks so goofy when he realizes I’m asking if he is ok.

He just smiles at me like I’m an idiot. “You’re so odd Tanner. You show concern about my health when I pretty much treat you like shit at school” he looks me over like I’m a rarity before finally giving me an answer. “Yea, I’m ok but I only think that’s because you held back when you hit me. If it had been me I would have tried to kill you”

“That’s good to hear Chance now can you take me home?” I feel bad when I realize the change in him once those words leave my lips. He looks hurt and sad but I just want to get away from him and I can’t handle it.” If you want you can hang out with me till the rain ends?” till the rain ends? What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I want him in my house?

He smiles and nods “that would be nice Tanner “before he leans over and licks my face which makes me feel my personal space has been violated, and puts me in a state of shock before he drives for my house and parks in the drive way.

“Tanner sometimes you remind me of the old you and I can’t help myself I’m sorry”

Sigh “yea whatever Chance let’s just get inside” I say as I open the car door and walk towards the hide a key we stash under the doormat as I use the key to get in my mother screams “your home early what happened are you ditching ? ” Her voice makes chance freeze and whisper

“I think I’m going home but thanks for the offer maybe later ok?” Chance whispers to me.

I just nod as he takes off towards his car and drives away leaving me standing there. I start closing the door just as my mother starts yelling some more.

“Tanner I mean it, did you?” She looked slightly ashamed at the thought I might have skipped class “no mom I got suspended for two days for defending myself with violence “her face changed from ashamed, to her wearing a smirk before turning and walking away “Dinner will be at five, Tanner” I run up the stairs and make my escape to my room I fall face first into my bed and drift off to sleep.

My therapist once asked me what my dreams were which have been the same up to this day. All I remember is running. I know right? Can that be anymore vague? The answer could be yes but he pushed me to tell him everything. I was running and it was pitch black outside, if you don’t count the full moon that lit up the ground and my surroundings. I think; I think I was crying? But I’m not sure it might have been sweat dripping off my face from running so hard. There were trees all around me so I knew I was in the woods, or a giant park. I had a feeling something was chasing me and that’s just a wild guess because I can hear growling from behind me, it sounds like a wolf maybe an angry bear? I don’t know but then I fall to the ground and my body starts thrashing. I feel my flesh tearing and my bones snapping and right before I wake up, I tilt my head up and start howling. Let’s just say after my therapist tried giving me medication because of my dreams I stopped going.

I wake up from my littler nap because I hear mom screaming that dinner is ready. I pull myself out of bed before running to the bathroom to wash up for dinner. I head for the kitchen to see what my mom has cooked us for today which turns out to be steak and potatoes “you remember how I like my steak mom?”

“Just like your father bloody and still moving “ she chuckles which makes me smirk.

She gives me a hard time about it because I like my meat very rare “yea yea “ I smile as my plate is pushed in front of me on the dining room table. “speaking of dad? When’s my next trip with him?” My father and mother stopped living with each other when I was 12 they just seemed to always fight or something they never really said why.

“Your father will be here this weekend to pick you up but this time try to be safer then you were before” She only says this because the fall or whatever that happened was when I was with him.

“Well mom that would be useful advice if I could remember what happened “I chuckle at her as she gives me a glare. I should describe my family. I guess at this point you have realized my mother and I live with each other and my father is out of the picture to a point. I guess my mother is a beautiful woman, in fact if I was into girls at all I would look for someone just like her she has beautiful auburn curled hair that lays shoulder length down her back, her beauty is not anything helped by the use of cosmetics in fact I think she has only used lipstick her whole life. Her face is that of a model. I’m not just saying that to be polite but in truth when she walks into a room every one turns to look. It used to make me nervous how people would eye her up like she was dinner. I mean fuck she was my mother! But besides everything, with her looks and hair it’s her smile and eyes that I think everyone most remembers. Her smile could make the brightest fire look more like a little flame, and her eyes held all her feelings within those forest green gems, we both shared. You could feel her passion when speaking and be swept away to some far land… As you can tell I love my mother a lot and she is truly a role model for me. At the age of 17 she finished high school at the top of her class and at the youngest age of 18 she entered college and almost earned herself bachelors in law in one year. She is amazingly smart and ahead of the game and that is why I love her.

My father… I love him just the same even though my mother and he bicker like cats and dogs if there in the same room. You can see the passion and love they still have for each other he is just the polar opposite of my mother. His dark brown hair and he has steel grey eyes. Even though I inherit a few things from my mother, I inherited everything else from my father. He is kind yet aloof, he is more introverted about his feeling when others are concerned. His feeling’s for me are so heartfelt and only acknowledged when he hugs and kisses me on my forehead. He is a man’s man my mother use to say. Please don’t misunderstand me when I say this but my father is one of hottest men I have ever laid my eyes on. I know he is my dad and I don’t want anything more than that nor would I try to cross any line for more than what I have. His body ripples with muscles from all the hard work he does on his farmland. He has amazingly olive toned skin and an assertive, dominant personality. He controls a room when he walks in and every one allows it. He in my eyes is what I wish I was like, but I feel I am softer spoken.

“Mom maybe me hanging with dad might help” my mother reaches over and takes my hand and just nods. I know she can tell I hate that I have amnesia. It feels like the worst thing that could have happened to me.

“Don’t worry Tanner, I’m sure your right maybe you will soon remember” I can hear sadness in her voice and I’m sure it’s just as hard on her as it is on me, I mean I’m different and I can tell sometimes she is afraid for me.

“Mom can you ask dad if I can stay longer then the weekend? I know he works hard but maybe what I need is a little change of pace”

“I can try Tanner. I don’t know what he will say but I’m sure he will say yes “I can’t hide my smile as I jump out of my chair and give my mom a big hug.

“Thank you sooooo much mom it means a lot “

She just keeps smiling as we finish up dinner “Tanner just remember how it is over there it won’t be just you and your father so remember your manners” her saying that makes me giggle.

“Yea I know the meetings will be held almost every night. I can deal” My father is head of some kind of wilderness group there called the wolf pack. They’re all nice people and really friendly. They took up the nick name my father gave me. Which was pup, it always makes me smile and feel more like a child then I am, but oh well. I’m told the fall happened after one of the meetings but deep down I think it was something more, I just have not said that out loud I have started to feel that there is something my father is holding back from me and my mother about what happened and when I get back there I feel everything will come back to me.

The next morning I just stayed in bed. My mother even left me alone which was wonderful I guess she felt waking me up would be lame since I was not going to school which put a smile on my face when I finally crawled out of bed around 9:30am. I even skipped taking my shower right away and went right to the kitchen to get some cereal in my belly. If all days could just be this good I muse to myself till I hear the doorbell ring. I was still smiling to myself, that is, till I answered the door and saw him and then it was replaced with a frown.

“Oh! It’s you Chance. Want to come in?” his smile this morning made my heart flutter as I back away to let him in and I don’t understand it.

“Thanks Tan” he lets out as he walks in and only stops to drop down in the couch in our living room.

He looks so nervous, as he taps his fingers on his knees and blushes he looks me up and down like I’m some kind of meat on display at market. That’s when it hits me. I noticed I never once put on my clothes! I was standing there with just my underwear on.

“Um just hold on a minute I will be right back” I swiftly say as I make a mad dash to my room to throw something on and I barely hear a small ok which I think came out as a nervous chuckle.

When I finally came back I slumped on the other side of the couch and I could feel him staring “So what do you want?”

“Um Tanner I wanted to know if you would go out with me sometime this weekend to make up for everything I have done?”I can’t help but smile nervously.

“I can’t“ I see a hurt expression cover his face when I say this so I try to make him understand that I have plans with my father “I mean I can’t this weekend but maybe some other time”

“Is there someone else” his eyes start to water and it confuses me but for some reason I pull him into a kiss before saying “No I have to go to my dad’s for a few days dork” once what I said had slowly sunk in, he pulled me close and rest his head on my shoulder .

“I was so scared you were going to say yes or that maybe I fucked up to bad already”

He could be such an overly big softy when around me what and where did that thought come from? I wish I could remember but I have this odd feeling we were once something more.

“Just shut up and cuddle with me Chance” I say pulling his body down on the couch lying next to me. To my surprise he does exactly what I tell him as he settles closer into my back before putting a big arm around me.

Sigh “I miss this” I heard him say before I closed my eyes to sleep

And that’s how mom found us when she came home from work. Chance and I snuggled up and asleep. “Wake up boys I guess things are getting better?” She arches her eyebrow a little as we slowly get untangled from each other.

“Yea mom things are good. I’m guessing you know Chance, my boyfriend?” I say sarcastically before jumping up and giving her a hug.

“Yes I know the young man. I just have one thing to ask. You guys did not have sex on the couch right?”As both of our faces turned bright read my mom walked to her bed room laughing.

“I should go Tanner it’s late “he practically jumps off the couch before rushing out the door

“Ok babe I promise a date when I get back”

“You better I can’t wait” He then closed the door leaving me with a smile plastered on my face.

Love? Who would have thought a man without memories would have something like that? The reality of things are that as the memories slowly find their way back, they seem to fill in, helping that shell I think of myself as it slowly turn’s me into the man that I am. I can’t wait to find myself once again. The rest of the night was a blur after all that all I can remember is going off to bed.