That Feeling - 5. Lunch is for Lovers

The school morning passes uneventfully. I feel empty and a little nervous, but that’s business at usual. Unless you count my incessant recounting of everyone I know’s possible reaction if I told them I was gay. I even made a chart in my Spanish notebook during third period. The columns have a plus sign, a minus sign, and a squiggly line that I decided means unsure. The plus column has Cassie, of course, and Carson, because I decided she would be an ally no matter what. I also put Kaitlyn and Clark in the plus column, because even though we’re not particularly close, they’d be there if I needed them, I’m sure. In the minus column, I put both my parents. I also put every member of the football team except Jake and a senior named André Brown, because Latrice, his twin sister, is a lesbian who started a campaign two years ago to start a Gay-Straight Alliance at our school and won. And now she’s the president and I am pretty sure he’s a member, so he’s in the plus column as well. But Jake is in the unsure column, because as much as I hate it, I just can’t say with certainty how he will react. And as much as it hurts me, I put Avery and Sara there, too. Because I want to think Avery would accept me, but I’d also be breaking her heart and maybe even embarrassing her with the whole ‘our whole relationship has been a lie’ thing. And like they say, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” so I’m just not sure how that’ll go. Which depresses me on a whole other level. And Sara is a bitch and will support Avery no matter her actual opinion of me. So that’s it. That’s the people in my life sorted into neat categories, when nothing really feels neat or orderly at all. So every time I think of someone, I add them to a column, and it’s pretty sad that my plus column only has about seven people, but my minus and unsure columns have almost filled the entire page.

I’m at lunch now, but I’m at the table alone going over the list I’d torn out of the notebook before the bell for first lunch rang. Jake and Knox are in the lunch line, and none of the girls have gotten here yet, so I’m safe. I see Kaitlyn and Clark come out of the front offices talking to Dr. Jenks, one of the vice principles. They’re laughing with her, and I smile, too. I think about Clark, because he is really good looking and unlike Jonathan earlier, I do find him attractive when I think about it. He’s pretty lithe and not too slight at all. He always dresses in expensive looking denim and oxford shirts, which for some reason makes him seem more sophisticated and older than some seventeen year old high school student. Like today, he’s wearing a green and pink striped Polo oxford and desert boots and his sandy colored hair is sweeping to the right, and he looks really nice and I like that. But he is gay in that stereotypical kind of way, where he kind of sways his hips too much and kind of talks with that effeminate drawl and uses lots of hand gestures, nothing really over the top, but still, it’s pretty obvious. That makes him not so attractive to me, I think, but I still find him attractive in some ways. The thing about Clark is he is just so confident in himself, so it always seems like he knows he is important regardless of what you think about him. People make fun of him all the time, nothing too violent or mean, just picking, asking him rude questions or saying rude things, or whatever, but he doesn’t let it bother him. He’s so smart and so involved in stuff, just like Kaitlyn is. Suddenly I feel like I want to talk with Clark. Because while I’ve always kept my distance from him, for pretty selfish reasons, he seems like he could be an important part of my puzzle. He is an openly gay guy in my grade. He’s on my level. What I mean is, we move in basically the same circles, so he knows what to expect from these people I’ve written on my list. My heart starts to beat faster with the thought of talking with him. Because as much as I am attracted to Knox or Jake or even Joey, Clark is viable. He’s already gay and it could happen, even though I know it won’t because I don’t think I like him that way. But a friend who is gay would be good. He could be someone to talk to. Someone who understands. And then I’m wrapped up in thought of what could possibly happen. Because I could talk to him about Knox and Jake and the problems with Avery and coming out to my parents and how it is so hard to pretend and maybe even those dead feelings that happen sometimes when it all feels so hopeless, and maybe he’d understand because he’s gay and can relate. I make up little scenarios where I tell him something and he responds, only he’s saying what I want him to say because it’s my fantasy. But I know he’s a nice guy who cares about people from just being around him, though, so I know he wouldn’t be mean about anything. He’s in my sixth period AP US History class with Ms. Denueve, so maybe I can catch him then and ask if we can talk after I get done with football practice. We could drive into Augusta, maybe to that cozy little coffee shop in Surrey Centre I’ve been to before with Avery.

It all sounds so perfect when I think about it. I never really see him with anyone besides Kaitlyn, and occasionally this girl named Ashley Iasiello who I don’t really know, but that’s about it, so I am not even sure he has many friends. I wonder if he has a boyfriend. I wonder how he feels about being gay and out and how that makes everyone automatically assume things about him whether they are true or not, which is really what I’m worried about when in comes down to it. Because when you’re straight, that’s it. You aren’t John, the straight guy. You may be John, the athlete, or John, the poet, or John, the jackass, but your whole identity isn’t wrapped up in who you like at all. But gay people have it differently, I think. Clark isn’t Clark, the vice president of junior class, or Clark, the nice guy. No, to the majority of the school, he’s Clark, the gay guy, whether they mean it badly or not. And maybe some people are happy like that. Maybe Latrice Brown likes being Latrice, the lesbian, but I think a little part of me would break away if people just knew me as Caleb, the gay guy. I don’t want to be just that, yet right now making this list and staring at Clark as he walks away down the hall, I feel like maybe that’s all there is to me, because it’s all I can ever think about, and that makes it all seem so hopeless, even if some part of me knows it’s not.

Carson sits down on the other side of the table in front of me and Avery sits down next to me and does that side hug she has perfected, which makes me feel guilty because she likes me so much and it’s all a bug ruse. Sara isn’t with them, which doesn’t surprise me. She is always late for lunch because she is always talking to her boyfriend of the week who I think this week is a basketball player named Braxton, until the last possible minute. Carson gives me a look that I can’t read, but it makes me feel uneasy nonetheless.

“Where’s Sara?”

Carson gives a look that I says I’ve asked a dumb question, but I had to say something before Carson pushed anything I didn’t want to talk about. She wants to say something to me, but like with Cassie I’m sure it’s not what I think it is, which makes me angry because I wish it wasn’t all so hard to just know things. Anyways, I really hope it’s not what I think. Because what I think is that she knows I’m gay, because she sees how I look at Knox or Jake or maybe even her brother, or how I don’t look at Avery or any other girl except casually without that hungry look in my eyes like most guys, but that she isn’t sure how to say anything about it without it just being too awkward. I wouldn’t have thought this yesterday, of course. Yesterday feels so long ago, when everything felt so neatly tucked away in the cracks in my brain and the spaces between by bones, and even if that made me feel dead, it was some consolation because I had it under control. But this feeling that everyone can see through me, like I’m transparent and they knew all along and I was just too focused on the act to notice is almost worse than the dead feeling, because if you’re dead you don’t feel anything at all. You just do what you’re supposed to do and no one cares much, because you fit where you’re supposed to and that’s all that matters to you anyway. You function properly and that’s it and that’s good enough. But this transparent feeling makes you anxious and fearful like every move is another note in someone’s logbook, like a video camera is recording you and analyzing how you lift your fork and chew the lettuce of your salad. This transparent feeling makes every glance in your direction an indictment of a crime you can’t understand because you haven’t done anything at all. Avery and Carson are chatting about a new boutique downtown, but I can’t focus on their words. Carson keeps glancing at me and Avery has her hand on my thigh. It feels like a ten pound weight. I can see Knox and Jake walking toward the table with their lunch trays and I want to get up and go. I want to run home and jump into my bed and lose myself in the seams of the duvet because that’s the only place that ever feels safe. The duvet won’t look into my eyes and take something I want to hold so tightly to my chest. It just won’t and that’s a relief, because every time my eyes meet someone else’s it feels like every secret is just there for the taking. But I can’t get up now. I can’t move, not because I can’t physically move, but I just can’t. It doesn’t fit into the whole scheme of things but that just makes me want to do it more.

Jake and Knox sit down on either side of Carson. Jake smiles at me, but I can’t return it. I just can’t force myself to; I can’t even look him in the eyes in case I can see my reflection and then my last bit of reserve would be gone and it’d be over. So I nod and continue looking at my salad. I don’t even acknowledge Knox. I know how this is going to happen. Carson and Avery will notice and one or the other will say something, now or later, but they will. I told Avery I’d try harder and I’m ignoring him completely. I am sure he notices. I am sure he is looking at me, especially after those texts last night, because he wants to know, but I just can’t now. Maybe last night I could have. Maybe then the feelings in my stomach had numbed just enough to do it. But now in the fluorescent lights of the cafeteria where things are so much clearer, it seems impossible to ever say anything to him ever again. He isn’t talking. I look up and he’s looking at me. He quickly looks away and finds something more interesting in the side of Carson’s head.

Avery turns to me with a smile, oblivious. “Caleb, what are you wearing to Carson’s party?”

“I dunno.”

“Wanna go shopping with me later?”

A hundred things pass through my mind. Football practice. Cassie knows. Carson’s eyes staring at me. Clark walking down the hall. Jake’s smile. That coffee shop in Surrey Centre. That sushi place where we went on a date last month. The dress Avery bought last week. Sara kissing Braxton. Me kissing Knox. “I don’t know. I have football practice.”

“After practice?”

She looks at me expectantly and I know she wants me to say yes but I don’t want to. I don’t want to spend hours walking around the mall or driving to the different shops she likes or any of it. I don’t want to deal with her right now. I don’t want to put on a smile or touch her gently on the hips or maybe even peck her cheek because now I don’t think I’m as dead as I was and I can’t just do it anymore without it not meaning anything.

“He can’t. He has plans with me.” Knox is looking straight at me as he says it with a tone that leaves no room for dissent. I’m surprised at his voice and I look at him. His stare is intensely focused on me; my chest tightens. I want to get out of here now because all of a sudden everything feels wrong, like the air is heavy and bearing down into my lungs like someone standing on my chest. No one says anything right away. Carson looks at me, then to Knox, as if the answer to the unspoken question is just going to pop up out of the space between us. Jake doesn’t say anything, just looks down at his bowl of tomato soup and swirls his spoon around. Finally I look back at Avery and she looks confused.

“Oh. Okay. Why didn’t you say, Caleb?” She shoves my arm and smiles, but her smile and her voice and everything is forced. Knox has never sounded so forceful. His voice is usually light and that kind of sunny that makes everything seem a little brighter, but his last words held a certain heaviness that seemed to weigh on the whole table. No one really knows what to do with it.

I’m confused, but I run with it. “Um, I kinda forgot. Sorry.”

“I’s’kay.” She straightens out her blouse and fixes her hair. She turns her body away from mine and starts eating her yogurt. Great. Another thing to fight about. I look at Knox and his face is taut and his eyes are still focused on me, but he occasionally glances at Avery.

“I’ll text you later.” Knox emphasizes the word text and gets up suddenly, but I’m not sure who he said that to. I assume me, but I don’t know. He snatches up his tray and walks toward the window. He places his tray there and then disappears down a side hall. We’re all watching him. Once he’s out of sight, Carson looks at me expectantly, like I should have some sort of explanation, but I just shrug. Avery is ignoring the whole situation and slowly eating her yogurt. It feels like everyone knows what is going on, but no one wants to say. Like I’ve entered the room in the middle of a conversation and I can’t catch up because I don’t know the context. It all feels so close, like that one clue that would tell me why Knox just stormed out lies just out of my reach, like a remote under a sofa. It’s there and I’ve almost got it, but I just can’t see to know.

Jake finally smiles. “That was weird.” But it falls short. Avery ignores him and I don’t know what to do. Carson looks like she is about to explode with anticipation. I can see her about to speak and I want to stop her. I want to act like it’s any other day at lunch and nothing has happened. Knox is gone, but we can pretend like he never existed at all. We can go back to when everything was good. But it’s a lie. It’s not Knox that’s the problem. It’s me. It’s always been me. But I’m afraid of what Carson is about to say because I might have to admit something. Maybe something little like I’m a jackass, but even that seems too much. I don’t want to admit I’ve ever been the problem even though I know I have.

“Can we talk about what just happened?” There is a silence as Carson looks around. Finally Jake looks at her.

“Knox and Caleb are hanging out after football practice.”

“Jesus, Jake! You’re such a guy! I mean with the whole Knox storming off thing.”

“Oh. I don’t know. Maybe he had work to do.”

“You’re such an idiot!”

I feel like I have to say something. It isn’t Jake’s fault. Carson isn’t mad at him anyways. “Can we just not talk about it?”

“No, Caleb. We’ve not talked about it long enough. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?”

Avery finally looks up. “Don’t Carson.” Her voice carries a desperate finality that borders on poisonous. Carson looks at her with a pinched face.

“Goddamnit, Avery! Ya’ll don’t ever want to talk about anything. No wonder ya’ll are both so screwed up.”

“Shut the hell up Carson. You don’t know anything.”

“Ugh, I know plenty more than your oblivious ass.”

“Stop being such a bitch all the time. No one wants to hear you be all holier-than-thou all the time.”

I just sit there. I here what they say and I see their faces scrunching in anger, but it feels like I’m watching a movie, like these aren’t two girls I know, but characters acting out a scene and then it will be over and everything will be normal again. Jake has gotten up. He’s walking away and they’re still arguing. People are starting to look at us. They’re whispering. What are they saying? I want to get up and run, but I can’t. I’m stuck here, caught in some kind of alternate universe where nothing fits.

“Just shut up.” It barely comes out of my lips. Just a small croak at first. Then I say it louder. “Just shut up!” Avery and Carson both look at me. Their eyes seem vacant. I feel unreal. That feeling is new. Like I’m nothing. Not dead or transparent, just nothing. Like I’m a hull of bones and skin and tissue that functions and works, but isn’t real. The hull talks and maybe even feels but it isn’t anything. It doesn’t matter at all. “I’m tired of this. I’m just tired of all this.” What does that mean? Why do I say it? The unreal feeling doesn’t make sense. I don’t feel in control. I want to go. I want to leave, but I’m not in control and I don’t know what to do. They’re staring at me. Carson looks expectant. She wants me to keep talking, but I can’t. She wants me to say something to make it all different. She wants me to say anything. But I can’t. I can’t do it. Avery looks sad and I want to fix her. I want to kiss her and hug her and feel something for her. But I can’t. I look between them and I feel something slip away. Something I thought I could hold on to if I tried, but it’s going. It’s almost gone. Reality crashes back into my body. I feel dizzy. I’m real and this is real and I just can’t do it. I want to cry.

Avery looks me in the eyes. She wants to kiss me. I can see it. She leans in and kisses me on the cheek. It feels warm. But it’s wrong and she can feel it too. She packs her lunch back into her bag and gets up. She never says a word. Just leaves. Carson is staring at me. Her eyes feel like cameras collecting evidence, she’s marking it all down. All of it. I shake.

“It’s not right, Caleb. It just isn’t right.”

She takes a bite out of her sandwich and doesn’t say anything else. I don’t know how to reply. She just sits there, not even acknowledging me. After ten minutes of silence, Sara shows up. She sits down where Jake had been sitting and looks around.

“¿Dónde están los chicos?”

Carson gives her a look I can’t see. I shrug. The bell rings five minutes later. I feel lost walking to my class. Nothing makes sense anymore. What Carson said confuses me. What isn’t right? Is it that my relationship with Avery is a sham and she knows it? Or is it just the problems we’re having in general? I can’t grasp on to anything solid that can give me an answer. It feels like I’m drifting, but I don’t know how to stop it.

By the end of the day, I want to skip practice, but I don’t. In the locker room, Jake looks at my sympathetically but doesn’t say a word. I don’t even try to sneak peeks, either. I just go through the act and try to pretend like it’s all nothing, because if I don’t I might break down and I don’t want that, not here.

After practice I check my phone. It’s almost seven and I have three texts. I don’t want to read them, but I do anyways. One is from Avery: ‘call me’. One is from Carson: ‘i have so much to say but where can i even start?’. And one is from Knox: ‘i wasnt kidin. come to starbucks after prac. the one at mullins crossin’. I get dressed feeling empty. I don’t want to deal with any of it. I don’t want to talk to Avery or figure out what Carson means or meet Knox at Starbucks. I just want to go home. I want to sink into my bed and forget. Sometimes I understand why Adam does drugs. Sometimes I want to forget about everything and just be, to exist without connections or conflicts and just breath in deep and feel the sound of the earth moving. That’s what he told me once: he does drugs to feel the sound of the earth moving and to forget, although I’m not sure what he’s forgetting. But it makes it all seem poetic in a way, even if it has ruined his life. The locker room is almost empty now. I hear a few guys goofing around at another bay of lockers, but I ignore them. I sit on the bench behind me and put my face in my hands. I want to cry but I won’t. I won’t cry. I grab my bag and leave the locker room.