Lem - 4. Summer

There's still a ringing in my ears from last night because the damn music was up too loud at the dance. Brooke sure knows how to cut a rug, and so does her sister; poor Mattie had no choice. Kelly sure as hell wasn't about to let Mattie stay pinned to the wall all night. She made him get up and dance, and she took him right where she wanted him. He didn't do too bad, but he looked like a fish out of water for a while.

I think she likes him.

Mattie does pretty well with the line dances. Guess we're both a little rough around the edges.

I found out Jeff has a girlfriend, who came over from Cut Bank for the festival. It's a little more than fifty miles off, but it's still close enough to get him into trouble if he doesn't keep his hands to himself.

There's an envelope from the rodeo association on the kitchen table, and it has my name on it. I tear it open and take a look; my share of the purse was about three hundred and fifty. That's what the check says, anyway.

I guess I'll have to get Momma to take me to the credit union tomorrow so I can tuck it away, and let it hang out with the other little earnings I've made along the way. Maybe, come school time, I might have enough to get a car when I get my license.

For some reason, I pull my permit outta my bill-fold, hold it long-ways so I can eye it. It looks like a mug shot--I have this look on my face like I was caught in the act of something. What I was caught doing, I don't know. Maybe it had something to do with Mattie.

My eyes were open a bit wide, like I was gonna sneeze. My pupils were wide open, like I had been sniffing glue. My hair was all over the place because I was wearing a cap and they made me take it off. I also look like I'm twelve. If I ever got pulled over, I'm sure the officer would have to do a double-take.

The day is warm already. I can feel it inside just by looking out the window. The dogs are in the shade, sleeping. If I was so inclined to do nothing with myself, I might just prop myself up against the tree and join them.

It's the ass-end of the week. Brooke told me her and her sister were gonna go to the crick and fish, and I get the feeling that convincing Mattie to go along is gonna be like pulling teeth. He must still think girls have cooties.

Sometimes, I don't doubt it myself.

* * *

A straw of XNR432J will set a breeder back about four large. There're only a few ranks that go for that much, especially for such an ugly cow.

A contractor can make a shit-ton of green off a good bull.

* * *

I set my tackle box on the shelf in the garage next to Dad's, making sure to put his fishing line back exactly where I found it. Not a damn thing biting, but people don't go there to catch anything. Nothing but dinky mountain whitefish in the water, anyway. Not enough meat to put on a cracker.

I was helping Brooke with her cast; stood behind her with my arms around hers, and helped her throw out. I know she could do it herself, but leave it up to a girl to bat her pretty little eyelashes and ask for a man to help. We stood there, together, and held the stick the line was on. I had my arm at my side, but she reached down and grabbed up my hand, giving it a little squeeze like it meant something. I've felt that squishy feeling inside before, the one when you know you you're in love, but I can't feel it with her. She's pretty, and I really want to feel something for her.

I stop and think, try to remember where it was I felt that way; it was Jeff. Always around Jeff.

I remember, back at the crick, I looked over my shoulder. Mattie was looking right at me, trying to do what I was doing with Brooke's sister, trying to show her how to throw out a line. She wasn't having it. She just pushed him away and told him, "I can do it!" He blushed bright red and kicked the dirt. Gotta give the kid points for trying. Suave isn't his cup of coffee. I should remember to tell him to not try so hard and just roll with it.

I feel like I'm in a dream when I walk from the garage to the kitchen. I'm lost in a thought about Jeff, and I feel myself getting a bit on the hard side. If nobody's around, I might have to take care of that.

"Looks like you got some sun."

I start to. "Huh?"

Dad's standing at the kitchen sink, scrubbing the oil off something with dish soap and a wire brush. I think it's a part from the lawn tractor. "Your shoulders are really red."

I look down at my arms; my shoulders are looking a little on the lobster side.

Farmer's tan's a bitch. Mattie and I looked like we were wearing tee shirts when we weren't wearing shirts at all. Now my arms are gonna look funny and off-balanced. "Guess I shoulda' put on some sun screen."

He dries off his hands and walks over as to get a better look. "Does it hurt?"

I look at my arms again. "It doesn't hurt at all. Maybe it'll just tan out and not peel…"

He smacks my arm, right on the burn.

I cringe, jump back and hold my burning skin. "Yeah, fuckin' hurts now."

He just giggles a little and goes back to the sink. "I think your mom put some sunburn lotion under your sink. You should put some on there before it gets too much worse."

"I suppose."

"By the way," he looks over his shoulder at me, "how much you get from the rodeo?"

"'Bout three fifty. Gonna have Momma take me to the credit union tomorrow."

"Smart kid. You never know when you're gonna need it." He goes back to his brushing.

"Dad?"

"Yeah, buddy?"

"I was wondering--maybe next year, if you and Momma were okay with it, could I start riding beef next year?"

He stops and looks over his shoulder again. "You wanna ride beef?"

I nod.

"You know what your mom's gonna say."

"But I've been doing real good with the broncs, and I think I could hold my own on a bull. I mean, Jeff's doin' it, and… lots'a' kids are doin' it. Momma said I might be ready for bareback."

He sighs. "Lem, barebacking is a far cry from bull riding. Horses don't have horns. They're lighter, they move different."

"But horses move quicker. And they can jump higher."

"Then why can't you just do barebacking? Ronnie's doing bareback riding and he seems to like it."

"But I wanna be a bull rider. I always have, Dad, you know that. People don't fuck with a bull rider."

He smirks and shakes his head. "Lem, don't let mom hear you talk like that."

I feel my cheeks burning. "Sorry." Came out a bit quieter than I thought it would, but he just keeps on scrubbing.

"Let's just get you through this season. After winter, let's see how you do with a year of bareback, then we'll talk about your riding beef."

"I'll be eighteen by then. I'd be able to ride bulls, anyway."

He looks me square in the eye with that look like he's starting to get pissed. "You wanna ride next year at all? Keep it up, kiddo."

I know better than to test his tone. "Sorry, sir."

He holds the part up and inspects it closely. "Don't worry 'bout it too much. You got plenty of time to ride. With the way you been ridin'," he looks at me and smiles, "I'll just bet you'll be a famous PBR rider someday."

* * *

I decide to get out to the pasture and do something I haven't done in a while. I lead Smokey along at a good clip and take to throwing rope to the dummy. I ride around in a wide circle, coming in close to the cooler, and throw out the lariat. I have it hooked.

I tie the rope off to the hitch. Smokey knows he's supposed to dally back to keep the rope tight. I hop down and run to the cooler, but Smokey's pulling the whole outfit backwards. I don't know what I'm gonna tie off when I get there, it's not like an ice chest has legs. I get right up to it and the head comes separated, flying toward me like it's on an elastic string. I'm near the business end of one of the rubber horns, and it nearly takes me out at the leg.

Smokey stops, stomps his foot and whinnies at me like he's laughing.

"Gee, thanks asshole."

He blows out a breath, and shakes his head.

"That was close."

I look over my shoulder and find Mattie leaning up against the fence.

"Haven't done roping in a while. Gettin' a bit rusty."

"Why don't you do a few runs with me at the field next practice?"

It's all Mattie and me used to talk about. Someday, we were going to take over the world. We'd be the best roping team the world ever knew. He's the one that stayed the course. Tying calves was fun and all, but adrenalin is boss. "Naww, don't wanna give people the wrong impression."

He scratches the side of his head. "What's that supposed'ta mean?"

"Not a damn thing. I'd rather ride a buckin' animal." I grin at him and give him a nudge with my elbow. "Chicks dig it." I start coiling up my rope. "Why didn't you ever get into bronc riding?"

"I'm not good at it like you. I'd fall off."

"It's just like tryin' your hand at anything else, Mattie. It takes practice."

"I guess." He thumbs at his nose, pulls at the brim of his hat, and sticks his hands back in his pockets. "I'd rather watch you. It's more fun."

When I look over, he's red in the cheeks. I wonder where his mind goes sometimes.

"Are you doing anything on the 23rd of next month?" he asks me.

"What, August?"

"If that's next month." He grins.

"Why do you ask?"

He looks down at his boots. "Well, if it'd be okay with your mom and dad, Ronnie bought some concert tickets from Jeff for the Rascal Flatts show down there in Helena. Ronnie wanted to go, but he can't on account of his girlfriend bein' a bitch."

"Jenny, a bitch? Nawwwww."

He just kinda giggles.

"What'd she do?"

"Well, they'd planned on going camping up in Canada for her birthday. He thought she'd be up for the concert, but she hates Rascal Flatts."

"That'd do it."

"Well, he said he'd give me the tickets if my folks said it was okay. They'll only let me go if you go, and I really don't want to go without you, anyway. Dad said you'll have to keep me in line."

I laughed at the thought of it, seeing Mattie would be the one keeping me in line. "I'll ask, but I don't know if Momma would let me. You know how she gets." I take off my hat and wipe the sweat off my brow. "Your parents are actually gonna let you stay with Jeff?"

"We'd be crashing with his relatives. Turns out my dad works with his uncle Lane on occasion. They both do forest service work when fires break out. Dad trusts them enough."

* * *

The summer is already a month gone, and for some reason, time feels like it's getting faster lately. Soon, I'll be driving my own car, and after that, I'll go off to college somewhere. At the same time, I don't think I want to get any older.

The whole town is down by the fairgrounds watching the fireworks show. I was supposed to go with Brooke, but things didn't plan out right. Instead, Mattie and me found a little place to perch on the side of the hill where we can watch the fireworks in the distance. Normally we'd be setting the things off, but there's been a fireworks ban the last couple years.

We have an old wool blanket spread out on the ground; Mattie has his shoulder pressed right up to mine, and it feels like he's resting his head on my shoulder. It's an old habit of his.

We're all alone in the middle of a whole lot of nothing. A firework explodes, sending the sound booming off the hill and back down the valley. Mattie jerks.

"Jeez, that was a big one." He props himself up on his elbows and looks around.

"What's up?"

He shakes his head. "I just realized something."

"What?"

"Nothing important." He grins, and lies back down. His arm seems to be creeping closer, and it only takes a minute before the back of his hand is up against mine. I know he's doing it on purpose, because he's been a little on the clingy side lately.

Another firework goes off, loud enough to be heard clear down in Great Falls, and we both twitch at the bang. His arm ends up over top of mine, right up against my body. He drags his knuckle gently across the skin on my side, over my hip where my shirt's come un-tucked.

I squirm. "Dude, stop. That tickles."

"Sorry," is all he says, but he keeps on doing it anyway. Slowly, one of his fingers makes it under my underwear band.

"Mattie, what are you doing?"

He puts a flat palm on my stomach, and pushes his hand right down the front of my pants. He cups my junk, grins at me, and squeezes a few times.

"Mattie, someone might see us. We're out in the open, for God sake."

He keeps rubbing, enough so that he's getting a bit of a rise out of me. "It's dark. Nobody will see."

He's probably right, but I still feel strange being out here so close to town with his hand down my pants. "Mattie..." It'd be different if we were at home or something, where there was a roof over our heads.

He moves his head a little closer to mine, and I can just take a wild guess where this is going.

I snap my head back and roll over, springing to my feet like someone kicked me in the rear. After I adjust myself, I take a few steps further up the hill. "Maybe we should get on home. It's starting to get late."

He purses his lips together and stares away; he's got a look on his face like I've made a mess of some greater plan.

"So?" He sounds angry.

I don't know why this time felt so awkward. I've been thinking about Jeff so much lately. I could have let go, like I always do--I could have let Mattie get all carried away and thought about Jeff in his place. Maybe it was the thought of Jeff's girlfriend ruining it for me.

Maybe it's all getting too real.

I don't want it to get real. I want things to stay the way they were.

* * *

I put my duffel bag through the back hatch of the Ford Explorer. Jeff's girlfriend is driving us down, seeing her car has enough room for everyone; it's the gas that's gonna kill us.

I'm surprised Momma was so easy going about everything. I turn around and she gives me a hug, squeezing the holy living crap out of me. She rocks me back and forth for a bit. "Be careful, will ya'?"

"I'm going with Mattie. What's the worst that could happen?"

"I don't want to think about it." She always has this way of handing me stuff, like money, when she doesn't want others to see. She slips a few folded bills and something plastic. She pulls me close. "Don't spend it in one place. This is just for you, so keep it safe. You get Hope a tank of gas the first time you guys fill up, okay?"

I look at the card in my hand; it's her Conoco card. There's also a fifty.

"Put that in your pocket." She closes my hand around it.

I pull out my billfold and put the money inside, sliding the Conoco card in behind my learners permit.

"No partying. No drinking or anything. You be careful at the show, or it's your last." She kisses me on the cheek.

Jeff pulls his seat forward so I can climb in. Mattie's waiting for me and smiles when I get in. I buckle my seat belt and try to get comfortable.

Hope turns around from the driver seat and holds out her hand. "I'm Hope, by the way." She's a blonde girl with straight hair and green eyes--rail thin. Her chest reminds me of that George Carlin joke about the seven dirty words. Tater-tits.

I can see why Jeff likes her. I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet, but Momma talked to her a little while I was bringing my stuff out.

"I'm Lem." I take her hand, shake it gently.

She pulls the Explorer in drive and starts up the lane. Jeff and Hope start talking about the best way to get to the main highway.

I look over at Mattie. "This should be fun."

"Be nice to get away from the chores for a few days. Did you bring your boot polish?"

I shake my head. "Didn't think to bring it. I bet we can find some down there."

We sit for a while and listen to the radio. We turn off the dirt road onto Highway 2, and take it west toward Burlee. We pass the grocery store, and before I know it, we're in the middle of nowhere.

The sun's hitting my arm, and the heat's making me sleepy; I'm about to zonk out.

The sound of the wind outside the car, and the gentle rocking make my eyes heavy. I rest my eyes a bit and let the warmth hug me. The weight of the world is off my shoulders for the next five days, and I just want to live it up for a bit.

The next time I open my eyes, we're already half way between Shelby and Conrad. It's funny how fast sixty miles goes by.

Mattie's fallen asleep. He was having a dog dream and knocked his foot into mine.

Jeff looks over at Hope. "How you doing?"

She glances at him and shrugs. "Good."

I lean forward. "How long you think it's gonna take to get to Helena?"

She looks at the clock radio. "We're bout two hours off yet."

We're closer to Shelby than I thought. "Oh. Okay."

"We'll stop in Great Falls and fill up. Stretch the ol' legs a bit." She smiles at me. "You okay for an hour or so?"

"Yeah. Should be good. Might have to stop for Mattie, though. He's got a bladder the size of a dime."

She nods.

"We should get lunch, too." Jeff readjusts his sunglasses. "Guess a burger wouldn't go amiss."

I sit back and look out the window. The grass on the prairie is dry this year, and a good chunk of it's already turning brown. It'll take a good thunder storm and we'll have some hellacious grass fires.

I fold my hands in my lap and lean toward the window, resting my head on my hoodie. I close my eyes and let myself fall into a deep sleep.

* * *

Lynrd Skynrd is on the radio as we're coming into the valley, Free Bird being engrained into my head for the rest of the night until some other song gets stuck on in there. I'll be humming it all day.

I can see Helena in the distance, a few more buildings cropping up every mile. Pretty soon, they're gonna be stacked on top of us. Hope seems to know her way around pretty good.

Mattie's knee is going again. He's looking out the window and eyeballs a couple head of deer on the hill; a buck is leading his harem into the trees. He turns his knees toward me, pushes his legs out and tries to stretch his elbows out with a big yawn. He catches me looking and blinks a few times. "What?"

"Nothin'. You see that buck back there?"

"Yeah. I was counting his points. Looked like fourteen or fifteen. Can't tell."

Jeff looks over his shoulder. "God, I wish I had my rifle." He leans forward. "Can't wait till fall."

Mattie nods blankly. I don't think he's ever shot anything himself. The kid hardly likes to be dirty, so I really can't see him skinning an animal. For being such a quiet kid, he can be pretty rough and tumble at times. He stares at me.

As Jeff sits back in his seat, Mattie gives me a toothy grin.

I can't help but smile back because I don't know what's going on in that head of his. What? I mouth at him.

He shakes his head and giggles.

"Damn, where'd this summer go?" Jeff moves his head around like he's looking for something he lost, like the summer's hiding by the side of the road somewhere. "Two weeks 'till school starts again. Fuck."

"It'll be Lem's birthday not too far after that." Jeff and I stare at Mattie. I don't think Jeff would even give a shit, and I don't know why Mattie'd even care to bring it up.

"Well, we'll hafta' get a case'a beer and make a man outta ya." Jeff laughs.

"Be nice to the kid." It's the first time I've heard Hope talk since Great Falls. I guess she's been off in her own little world. "How old you gonna be?"

I look at the floor, at a hole in one of my socks; Sunday's best. "Uh, sixteen."

"Awesome. You excited 'bout gettin' your license?"

"Don't make a lotta difference. Won't have a car for a while, and I'll 'prolly hafta drive Chase around. I can take it or leave it."

"You're the only kid I've ever heard say that."

Jeff points out his window. "We're gonna want this exit."

Hope flicks on the blinkers and veers to the right. We drive along the frontage road for a mile or so before we take a left into a neighborhood. The house we stop at is sitting on an acre up against the hill. Other than some dogs up the street, the place is pretty quiet.

The house is all wood, stained dark cherry or something to the like. There's a pair of antlers hanging over the garage, and a few dream catchers on the front stoop. It all makes me wonder if Jeff has some Indian in his background somewhere.

His uncle steps out onto the patio and looks us over. He's a tall, skinny dude, and he's not wearing a shirt. The man is really well toned for his age, and I can see the family resemblance. This man doesn't seem like the type to have antlers hanging on the wall.

"Hey, kiddo," he says when Jeff gets out of the car. "Who's this pretty little thing ya' found?" He's walking down the steps toward us.

"Uncle Lane, this' Hope." He folds the seat forward and lets us out.

I step out onto the driveway and stretch my arms above my head. When I turn around, I find Mattie's staring at my stomach. My shirt came un-tucked when I was stretching.

He blushes red and turns away, making a bee-line for the back of the car.

"Little one's my best friend Ronnie's little brother Matthew…"

Mattie peeks around the back of the Explorer, shy-like, and waves. He goes back to unloading shit.

"…and this is his best friend Lem."

I'm standing close enough to shake the guy's hand. "Name's Lane." He gives me a suspicious look, looks at Mattie, then back to Jeff. "Guess y'all run in packs these days."

I don't get it.

Guess Hope doesn't either; she looks confused.

"Not like that at all." Jeff pulls out his cigarettes. Lights one up and hands the pack to Hope.

"What you have up your sleeves tonight?" Lane asks him.

Jeff shrugs. "Haven't really thought about it."

"Got a chest of cold beers in the back. Don't know if I exactly like the idea of the kids drinkin', though."

"They're solid. I don't think Matthew drinks. God knows he hasn't said more than a sentence since I met him."

* * *

Lane's tending to the grill, wearing an apron that reads Fuck the chef, I have the beer! Lane looks like he's in his late thirties. He's got that little bit of gray on his temples, and you could probably light a match on his five o'clock shadow. He's ruggedly good looking, like an older version of Jeff. They both have that addicting smile; the kind of smile you can figure they're up to no good.

Jeff's sitting on a lawn chair next to Hope.

Hope's sunning her legs.

Somehow a bottle of Bud Light managed to find its way to my hand. Mattie's being good and nursing a can of Pepsi. I happen to be sitting next to the barbecue, so I get picked on to help with dinner.

"Hey, Lem- keep an eye on those kabobs for a minute, would ya'?" Lane walks inside.

There are about three skewers a piece on the cook-top: Steak. Onion. Red bell pepper. Cherry Tomato. Repeat. I grab a set of tongs next to the grill and start flipping everything.

Mattie struggles to his feet; his seat is sitting just a few inches off the ground, and I imagine it's hard to prop yourself up on legs that long. "Where's the restroom?"

Jeff looks over his shoulder. "Other side of the kitchen, first door on the right in the hallway." Jeff pulls out his cigarettes and looks in the box. "Aww, shit. I'm all out." He looks at Hope. "You got any?"

She shakes her head.

Lane walks out with a bottle of barbecue sauce and a brush.

"Uncle Lane, you got any cigarettes?"

He stops and stares at Jeff. "You know I gave that shit up ages ago."

"I think I'm gonna run down to the corner store. You wanna go, Hope?"

"I've been driving all day. Just take the keys, I'll hang out." She shakes her hair to the side. She's got a lot of trust staying alone with a guy she hardly knows. Well, I guess me and Mattie are gonna be here.

Lane pulls out his wallet. "I need a few bags of ice." He hands me ten dollars, but keeps talking to Jeff. "Take the boy here with you."

Jeff nods.

I follow him through the house and out the front door to the Explorer. He puts the keys in and turns it over.

He opens the console box between the seats, and tries to fish something out. I can't really tell what it is, but he sticks it in his lap; it looks like a black cloth bag or something, like what someone might stick a set of sunglasses in to keep 'em from getting scratched.

Jeff puts the car in gear and hits the gas a bit hard. The wheels screech as we back out, and we rocket up the street.

Jeff stays pretty quiet till we get a block or two off. "Never remember where this fuckin' place is."

I don't care if it takes us an hour. I don't know why, but I'm getting that funny feeling again. I just want to stay here, sitting next to Jeff in this car.

"Wanna smoke?" He cocks his head and gives me that bird-stare.

"Um, no thanks. Don't smoke." He knows that.

"Whatever." He pulls the draw string on the bag and pries apart the knot, pulling out a small metal thing that looks like the cigarette lighter in a car. One end is beveled, the other has a rubber part on it. He sticks the rubber part between his lips and lights the other end with his lighter.

He takes a good long drag and holds his breath, holding back a few small coughs.

It smells like burning sage, dry and sweet. I think he's doing pot. "What if someone sees you?"

"Maaaannnn." He giggles. "I drive and smoke all the time. People get too paranoid, sometimes."

I don't know what to think.

He takes another hit off the pipe and wheezes a little bit. The windows are wide open and I can't help but wonder if someone walking down the road might smell it and call the cops.

I'm getting that tingly feeling in my nuts, the one that tells me I'm getting in trouble.

There's a Kum N' Go on the corner ahead of us. Jeff pulls into the lot and parks toward the back fence away from the pumps. He leaves the pipe sitting in the ashtray; it's still smoldering.

"He wanted a few bags of ice, right?"

I hand him the ten that Lane gave me.

"This'll get us three bags or so." He opens the door, hops out and heads for the store.

The fucking pipe is still smoldering, a thin wisp of smoke trails out the end of it. It moves like a shoelace in the breeze. I can't take my eyes off the damn thing. I've only ever heard about shit like this.

I look up and see a state patrolman pull into the other side of the parking lot. He parks in front of the store just around the corner from the explorer, but he's right in my eye-shot.

The cop gets out and rests his hands on his gun handle--not like he's gonna pull it out, just like he needs a place to keep is hands while he walks around. His belly is large, and hangs over his belt. He has arms that are probably as big around as my thigh. This is not a guy I want fucking with me.

He walks slowly up the sidewalk toward store, and holds the door open for a lady with a kid in one arm and a bag of groceries in the other. He says something to her, and she gives him the bag of groceries; I can barely hear her thanking him. She's leading him to a car that's about three parking spots over from me.

The pipe looks like it just fizzled out, but it still reeks of weed in here. My heart's beating a billion miles a minute. My hand starts shaking.

The woman leads the cop around the side of her car, and she puts the kid in the back seat. "If you wanna just set them in the front seat. I really, really appreciate this."

The cop pulls at his brim. "No problem, ma'am."

I keep my eyes glued to a fence outside my window, and stare at a small smudge of graffiti. The cop's not really there. I can't see him. Out of sight, out of mind. God, what would happen if I'd just run away right now? Goddamn it, Jeff.

The world feels like it's falling away underneath me when I hear the door open. "Shit!" I look over and see Jeff standing there.

He tosses a bag of ice at me. "What?"

I shake my head. "Nothing… nothing." I put the ice on the floor by my feet, feeling like I could just die.

"You're white as a sheet. Feeling okay?"

I nod toward the cop, who's talking to the lady.

Jeff shuts the door and turns over the engine. He looks at the cop, then back at me. "So?"

I point at the pipe, a bit forcefully.

Jeff just shrugs, puts the Explorer in reverse.

"Excuse me, young man?" The cop's walking toward us.

This is it. I'm fucking going to jail. Mom's going to kill me. I should have stayed at Lane's with Mattie and Hope.

Jeff parks, looks at him. "Yes sir?"

"You know your driver side reverse light is out?"

"Is it, now?" Jeff looks at me, like he expects me to know something. Ho turns back toward the cop. "That's not good, is it? You know where the closest auto parts store is? We're down from Burlee for the weekend."

The cop is at the window.

The pipe is right fucking there, just sitting there out in the open.

The cop looks down the road, and points back over his shoulder. "Take this one down to the second light, take a left. There's a Checker a block down on the corner. Can't miss it."

"We'll hit it right now." Jeff smiles, nods his head.

"Sounds like a good plan." He tugs at his brim again. I can see myself in his glasses: a big, reflective billboard of guilt. He turns toward the store and goes to walk off.

He didn't see it.

Then he stops.

He... just fucking stops. The cop looks over his shoulder at Jeff. "I'm in a good mood today. Next time, you might wanna leave your pipe at home." He starts walking again and goes into the store.

My face suddenly feels like it's on fire, and my ears are ringing.

Jeff backs out and starts heading for home.

I start getting light headed. I can't breathe… fuck. I grab my shirt… can't breathe. Lightheaded. "Fuck! Fuck!"

Jeff pulls the car over and grabs my arm. "Breathe, man. Breathe!" He puts his hands on the side of my face.

I'm freaking out, and I still feel like I'm melting.

"In, out… slowly…"

He gets me calmed down a bit. The walls don't feel so much like they're coming in on me anymore.

He squeezes my shoulders. "You okay?"

I swallow, nod.

"You don't have asthma, do you?"

I shake my head. "No. I… no. I think I just panicked."

"Okay, look. Things didn't get out of hand. It worked out fine. I would have taken responsibility, and they would have let you go."

"Fuck Jeff! I just had a beer!"

"Lem. Re-fuckin'-lax, would you? You're wound up way too uptight. Weed isn't a huge deal like it used to be."

I look at him and try to squint--try to look mad. I'm still scared shitless.

He starts forward, but misses the road to Lane's. Instead, he makes a turn a few streets over and starts up a hill.

The area is pretty well secluded for being right in the city. There are lots of trees around. He parks off the side of the road, just before it turns into a parking lot.

I huff. "Dude, the ice's gonna melt."

"Don't worry 'bout it. We're not gonna be here long."

My stomach is turning. I don't know what's going on.

"I want you to think about this before you say anything. Just think about it. I'm going to take a hit, an' I think you should take one, too. Just to relax. You can say no, but before you do, just think about it. I won't let anything happen to you, if you do." He takes a hit. I think he's feeling bad about the whole ordeal.

I stare at the Ford logo on the dash. I guess this is what they meant by peer pressure. I'm lost, in a way. "I've never smoked anything in my life."

"It's not hard. Just breathe it in, and hold it in your lungs as long as you can. It'll help you relax."

"Jeff, what if we get caught? What if Mattie tells my parents?"

"Lem, Mattie's not going to say anything. Ronnie and I hit up all the time. Mattie's been there a time or two. Never did it himself, but he never said anything either."

I take the pipe from his hand, turn it over and look at it so I can see it from all angles.

Jeff holds the lighter toward me.

I put the pipe to my lips and spark the lighter. When I hit the pipe, the flame leans over and licks the beveled edge of the metal.The smoke is heavy, and coats my throat. I can't stop coughing because it hurts too much. I've got tears in my eyes.

He slaps me between the shoulders. "You'll be fine. Just breathe."

It takes a minute, but the coughing stops. My mouth is dry, and there's a funny taste on my tongue. Other than a sting in my throat, I don't feel any different. "What's supposed to happen?"

"You'll get a bit light headed. You might need more before you get high. That wasn't much'uva hit." He sits and stares at me like he's thinking about something. "You know what shot-gunning is?"

I shake my head.

"'Kay. Lean over. I'm gonna take a hit, then I'm gonna blow it in your mouth. Just breathe it in. It's easier than smoking it yourself."

He's gonna what?

He takes a big hit.

I expect I just open my mouth and he blows the smoke in.

He signals me over with a finger.

I open my mouth a bit and lean in.

He grabs the back of my neck and pulls me over; our lips are touching like we're kissing. I'm so wound up in the moment my dick jumps, and I forget about the smoke. He starts to exhale and blows the smoke in.

As I breathe it in, I can't shake the urge to kiss him. I want to taste his tongue.

His exhale stops, and he breathes in through his nose.

I don't know what possesses me, but I push my lips hard against his. I don't know much about kissing, but I don't want this to stop.

He sticks his tongue in my mouth; I just let him. A few small moments later, or maybe it's an eternity, he pushes me back. "Whoa, Tonto. Save it for Mattie."

I sit back against the seat feeling scared again, only this time for a different reason. What the fuck did I just do? When I finally exhale the dope, there isn't a lot of smoke. Just a little fog. My face is numb. I cross my arms and sit there doubled over. "Wait? What about Mattie?"

"Just joking around. I know you and Brooke are kind of a thing, anyway." He takes one more hit. "Be careful who you go around makin' out with. People might think stuff."

"Sorry. All this crap happening… guess I was just lost." My head starts to lift a bit, like it's spinning. It's a numbness I've never felt before. It's not in one place--it moves around. I feel it in the tips of my fingers. It moves from there to my shoulders, and down my back. It starts again in my feet, like a wave, moving up my legs. I'm controlling it, the numbness. It's in my crotch now. I'm starting to get hard. Really fucking horny.

Jeff's been talking. We're actually down the road from his uncle's house. I didn't even know we'd started moving. "…him and mom don't talk much. She thinks he's a little off. That's what grandma always called it… being off."

"Huh? Okay?" I feel like I could explode. Just... I need to tug the string in the worst way. I need release. Imagine me making an ass of myself, humping Jeff's leg. I could be everything for him.

"You could be what?"

"Huh?" I blush. Shit. Didn't realize I said anything.

We're in the driveway. He's got the ice packed under his arms, and he's starting up the steps. I close the car door behind me. "Jeff?"

He stops and looks down from the banister. "Yeah?"

"You won't tell anyone about that, will you?"

"Why would I?" He's giving me his bird look.

I shrug. "Sorry. I need to ask Mattie something, would you tell him to come out front?"

"Mum's the word, kid." He walks in.

I sit down on the step and wait for a bit. I don't know if Mattie's coming out, if he's even gonna say anything. The world feels like it's so far away from me right now. I feel like a baby deer looks when it's trying to walk the first time.

Out of nowhere, Mattie sits down next to me. "What's up?"

"Dude…"

"Lem, are you drunk?"

I grab his arm and stand up. "Come here." I pull him through the house, making sure nobody's around. I push him into the bathroom.

"What are you doing?"

He's loud enough that everyone in the world could hear him. "Shhhh!" I close the door and lock it, keeping the light off. I push and hold him against the wall, feel his sides under his shirt. His soft skin.

He whispers, "Lem?"

"Shhh." I unbutton my pants and let them fall to the floor.

My head spins. I feel Jeff's sides again, pull him up to my body. I swell when he squeezes me back. His sweet smell. Jeff. I guide his hand to my parts and cup my hand around his hand, make him squeeze me. He starts squeezing on his own, and rubs it a bit.

I guide his hands down the front of my underwear.

Jeff can do whatever he wants to me right now. I might just let him.

He squeezes my cock, pushes my underwear down a bit and starts playing with me.

I'm wet already, almost dripping. "Touch me how you did before." I keep a hold on him; he's not getting away from me.

Mattie lets go. "Lem? Dinner's almost…"

I grit my teeth, still trying to picture Jeff in the dark; Mattie's voice ruined the illusion. I keep hushed. "Goddamn it. Just fucking do it."

Jeff's hand grabs me again. Fingers press up on me behind my nuts, building up the pressure.

I squeeze Jeff tighter, getting my hips going.

"Faster." My eyes roll back. I don't know I'm cumming. I've just spent my whole load, and I don't feel it, it's intensity, until the very last throb. My face is wet around the eyes. I feel a weight on my chest, even though we're standing there.

I step back in the dark, bumping into the counter and knocking something over. I pull my pants up and reach out for the doorknob, pausing only to listen to the shallow breaths of the ghost standing next to me, this embodiment of Jeff.

I yank open the door and look up and down the hall; nobody's around. I look back at Mattie. He's standing there with cum all over his shirt. His arm and hand are coated in me. He looks confused--really confused.

He stares at the mess on his hand, then eyes me over.

I can't say anything. I don't know what just happened, or what I've just done. Let the lion out of the cage, is what.

I back away, out the door.

Just leave Mattie in the bathroom. Alone in the dark.

* * *

Mattie walks out with a different shirt on.

Lane looks him over. "What, gotta change for dinner?"

Mattie blushes and looks down at his shirt. "Um, spilled some soda on the other one. Thought I'd change before it got too sticky." He looks at me right when he says sticky.

I feel awkward right now, knowing what I just made Mattie do, but he doesn't seem too bothered by it. I don't think he knows what to think. Hell, neither do I.

"Well, grab a plate. There's catsup and sauce in the kitchen, there. Got veggies and salad in the fridge. Couldn't hurt to get those out, I suppose." He walks into the kitchen.

Hope fumbles with the paper plates, trying to get a few separated.

Mattie and me, we just stare at each other. He looks different. It's like something, a door, I must have opened up inside him. I've always been able to read him, but I can't anymore. I can't fucking tell what's going through his head. He's blank.

Hope's holding a plate out to me. "Lem… Lem."

I shake to, stare at the plate for a second, and take it from her. "Thanks." I try to smile, but it feels fake. If only she knew what Jeff and I were doing in my head. I line up behind Jeff and Hope, feeling Mattie move in behind me.

I can't bring myself look at him.

Jeff plops two kabobs down on my plate and gives me his gruff smile. "A little meat for you, sir."

I sit down and stare at my plate. I'm starving, but I don't feel like eating. I take a skewer up, pull the meat off with my teeth, and force myself to chew.

Mattie sits down next to me, a little bit closer than normal. He knocks his knee to mine, like he's trying to get my attention.

I look at him, in the eye, and he flushes a little. He's got a school-girl grin across his lips. His leg pushes against mine, almost knocking my plate off my lap.

"Careful, Mattie."

"Sorry." He scoots away a few inches, and his leg takes to bobbing. He watches me while he eats, like he's trying to figure things out himself. He almost looks like he's won something, the way he beams at me from time to time.

I guess all I can do is eat. Pretend everything is normal. Just wish that everything was normal.