Lem - 14. Joey

The hallway is busier than usual, people coming and going, darting around like a fart in a skillet. I'm searching through my locker for a book I have to return to one of my teachers from last semester, but so far I’ve only managed to find a few candy-bar wrappers, notebook paper, old graded homework assignments, and a Slim-Jim for some reason only God knows why -- I hate the damn things.

Brooke leans against the locker next to mine, hugging her Chemistry 2 book. She's taking honors courses; she is the kind of girl that can make any boy feel stupid. "You never said how your break went."

"Nothing out of the ordinary." I glance at her. "Better if Mattie was around."

"Why do you say that?"

"Just the way it's always been."

"Must have been a pretty bad fight. Don't see why he moved all the way to Billings."

"Yeah, well..." I find the book I'm looking for and examine the cover, spotting a doodle on the back that Mattie put there at the start of the year, when he was messing around. I rip the grocery bag off and wad it up, throwing it toward the trash can. I miss.

Suddenly, someone bumps into me. "Oops! 'Scuse me, watch where I'm goin'!"

I turn and find myself face-to-face with Jeff; the muscles in my face tighten up.

"Fancy runnin' into you here, Susan." He looks at Brooke, and pulls at the front of his hat. "Miss Brooke."

"Hey there, Jeff." She smiles.

He turns toward me again. "Season's starting here pretty quick. You want some practice time at Dawson's?"

"What the hell are you gettin' at?" My fist is itching for it.

"Calm down, Susan. Get you on some beef. Make a man out of you yet."

"I'm barebacking this year. You know that."

"What would it hurt?"

"I don't need any more trouble. I'm on a short enough leash as it is." I must be turning bright red, because Jeff takes a step back.

"Why, 'cuz you took off across Montana to find your little girlfriend and got caught by Johnny Law?"

Shit. I never told Brooke.

She cocks her head to the side. "Huh?"

I bite the inside of my mouth. "I don't know where you get your information--"

"It's a small town, Susan. Everyone's in everyone else's shit. You know that. Not hard to hear a rumor here or there."

"Maybe you should check your facts before you start talkin' out your ass."

Brooke looks at me. "I thought you said you were grounded because you got into a fight with your brother."

Jeff looks back and forth between us and smiles. He knows he's fucking things up good.

I grab on to Brooke's arm and start pulling her down the hall. "This isn't a good place to talk about this."

"What's going on? Why'd you lie to me?"

I stop and stare at her. "I didn't lie to you. Not entirely." I look over to make sure Jeff's not around. "I took my brother's truck to go find Mattie. I got pulled over. I only had my permit, so I got into a little trouble."

"Why would you go and do something stupid like that?"

"I don't expect you'd understand."

She crosses her arms and squints. "Just you try me."

"I would die for that kid, and he almost died for me once. Fuckin' sue me for trying to make things right. I know I didn't have to lie to you about it, but I didn't want everyone in the fuckin' county to know I got in trouble with the law."

"Lots of people get tangled up with the law, Lem. Who the hell cares? It's not like you killed someone. You got a traffic violation, for Christ sake! You didn't have to be so mean to Jeff."

"Fuck Jeff! I ain't got shit to say to him."

"Why are you so hostile?"

"I'm not. I choose my friends. He's not one of them."

"Well, I thought you were. I thought you'd grown up when you two started hanging out. Finally left Mattie at the kid's table and grew up."

"Huh." I shake my head. "Fuck that, Brooke. Fuck that." I start down the hall, leaving Brooke standing there. No matter how much she calls after me, I just keep right on going.

* * *

Useless as tits on a bull.

-Proverb

* * *

I walk into my bedroom and stop dead in my tracks.

Mattie is sprawled naked across my bed, propped up on his elbows, back arched and legs apart. His head is toward me, and I can see the wounds across his wrists.

Jeff is lying there on top of Mattie. He's holding himself up on one arm, got his other arm around Mattie's chest, his fingers wrapped around his neck. Jeff rests his chin on Mattie's shoulder with a mean grin on his face--just wicked. "I was right; he is a better fuck than you." Slowly, he pushes himself in--deep inside Mattie.

Mattie moans and arches his back more; his legs open a little further.

"Get the fuck off him!" I yell.

"Oh, I'm gonna get off. He wants me to split him right in half."

"Stop it!" I take a running leap at him because I'm going to fucking kill him. "No!"

Something grabs onto me.

I need to do this--I need to fix it. "No! Stop! Get off me! Leave him alone!" I scream it over and over again.

Jeff keeps fucking Mattie.

Something squeezes me, rocks me to the side. "I said LET GO!"

Suddenly, something hits the back of my head; it feels like a baseball bat. Everything goes blurry, and I can't fucking see anything but shadows. Movements of Jeff and Mattie on the bed. A shadow moving toward me.

"Lem? Lem?" Echoes.

"No! Get away from me! Leave him ALONE!" I'm crying, screaming.

"Lem, it's okay. You're--"

My head feels like it's going to explode.

Mattie disappears.

I scream at the top of my lungs. "Ahhhhhnnnnnnnnnn! NOOOO!"

When I finally shake out of it, Momma's hugging onto me. "Shhhh. It's okay, baby. Lem, wake up, you're okay. You're having a bad dream."

It feels surreal, being in the same room with Momma as Mattie and Jeff were just fucking in. It takes me a second to realize I’m on the floor in the corner, head against the wall and my sheets on the floor next to me. My face is wet.

Momma is sitting here trying to calm me down. Dad stands in the doorway, wide-eyed and staring at me like I've been possessed by the devil.

I breathe hard for a few minutes, fixed on the ceiling. I gasp. "What the blue hell is going on?"

"You were having a bad dream. Your screamin' probably woke up all of Burlee." She squeezes me. "You okay? You hit your head pretty hard."

"What... wh-- what happened?"

"We came in to see what was going on. When I sat on your bed, you practically threw yourself against the wall."

"I did?" I'm almost seeing stars, my head hurts so bad.

She looks at Dad. "I think I can handle this if you want to go back to bed."

He just nods blankly and walks off.

I hear Chase down the hall: "what's going on?"

"Nothing, sweetie. Your brother fell off the bed. Go back to sleep."

Momma hugs me tighter, putting her cheek to mine. "Was it Matthew?"

I sniffle a little. “Yeah.”

"What happened?"

"He was on my bed hurting himself."

She whispers to herself: "God, I should go over there and smack the living shit outta Ronnie for showin' you that bathtub. This is getting ridiculous."

"I'm sorry, Momma." I'm bawling now. "I'm sorry for fuckin' everything up like this."

"Shhh. It wasn't you, baby. None of this was you."

* * *

I open the fridge and look inside; there ain't a lot in here. I wonder if that’s where Momma is right now--at the grocery store. I scratch my nuts and take to poking around the fridge. There's some turkey deli meat next to the milk, and a head of lettuce in the drawer. What else does a man need to make a sandwich?

I put the mayonnaise on the counter next to my pickings. All that's left of the bread loaf are the heels, but that's never stopped me before.

Dad walks in from the mud room.

I glance at him over my shoulder. "Hey, Dad."

He looks at me and walks toward the sink to wash his hands. I guess he's still tinkering with the snow blower. "Hey kiddo. Left those heels in there just for you. I knew if anyone'd get after ‘em, it'd be you."

"Thanks." I start taking layers off the lettuce. "Where is everyone?"

"Mom and Chase went to the store."

"Figured as much."

"Lem, can I talk to you about something?"

"I guess."

"Well, I ain't as good about this as your mother is, talkin' to people and all. Are you doing okay?"

"You're the millionth person to ask me that."

"Well?"

I scratch the side of my face against my shoulder. "I'm fine."

He nods and turns off the sink; it must be good enough for him. Dad's always been easy enough to talk to, it’s momma's always the hard sell. He wipes his hands on a clean dish cloth. "Mom and I have been talking about some things."

I take the other heel and put it over the meat, smooshing it down until the sandwich is as close to paper thin as I can get it. "Okay?"

"Well, other than this last little thing, you've always been responsible. Get good grades, keep quiet. Always behave." He throws the rag across the counter--momma's going to kill him for not hanging it back up. "Look, I know we talked about this before, you ridin' steers. How bout we make ourselves a little deal?"

My ears perk up a bit. "A deal?"

He smiles and looks at the ground. "You keep outta trouble, keep up with your grades like you have been, pay off your court fines when we go in, keep helping Missus Jensen out, we were thinking that this spring, if you do bareback until school's over, maybe we'll let you ride steers this summer."

"Really?" I must have a huge smile on my face, because my cheeks are hurting.

"Yeah. But you have to keep on top of stuff." He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes, talking softly. "I know Mattie meant a lot to you. I want you to work with that lady you're seeing in Havre. I want to see you happy again. It's hard on your Mom and I to see you like this. Okay?"

"Okay, Dad."

"Come here." He puts his arm around my back and pulls me into a hug, squeezing the holy living crap out of me. He ruffles my hair as he lets go. "You're a good kid. I'm proud of you."

"For what?"

He winks at me. "For being you."

* * *

I hate the first day of practice. You don't do anything but look over paperwork and release forms, talk to the coach, and find partners if your event calls for it. Then, you take the shit home, have mom and dad sign on the dotted line, pledge your soul, and come back tomorrow to ride.

I walk out of the gym and head for the parking lot. If I'm lucky, Jason hasn't taken off yet. There are a few cars here and there, but nobody out in the football field. It’s pretty quiet, all in all.

I walk along the side of the building for a bit until a scuffing catches my attention.

"I said fuck off!" It's a girl's voice.

It’s not my business. I keep walking on until I pass a gap in the wall, where a corner recesses toward the building a little bit. There are five guys cornering a middle school kid or something.

"Got ourselves a big 'ol dyke here." One of the guys hoots. He pushes the kid back in the corner.

"Here kitty, kitty!" Another one yells.

"You don't need a chick. I got all the man you need right here." The first guy points at his crotch.

The one on the end takes a step forward. "Maybe we should take turns fuckin' her. Make her a real woman."

"Dude, you wouldn't know what to do with a real woman," the guy next to him says.

"Fuck you. I'll show you how a guy sets a girl straight."

The girl turns away from the corner with a look of fear written on her face.

Fuck. It's Joey.

She looks right at me. Her face says it all; she's pleading for help.

This won’t be the first scrap I've gotten myself into, and I know this is going to hurt like hell. The numbers are stacked against us, but at least I can say I tried to do something right.

I swallow hard, feeling my stomach twist in knots. "Hey!"

They all turn around and stare at me.

"That's enough!"

One of them laughs and looks around at his friends. "Heh. What you intend to do about it, shitbrick?"

I stare right at him. "That shit ain't called for. I don't care who you are."

"She's a fuckin' dog."

The other one looks back at Joey, then at me. "What, you two both fags?"

Suddenly, Joey lunges forward and hooks the kid a hard right in the face, knocking him out stone cold. The two closest to her rush and get her pinned against the wall, the other one looks like he's about to give her a punch in the gut.

The one on the end who called me a shitbrick just stands there watching the action.

I take my chance; letting my bag fall off my back, I run up to the blonde guy and get him by his backpack straps. I swing him around and trip him over my feet.

He lunges forward, tries to catch his balance but falls flat on his chin; at least that gets me on the right side of the action. I hop over the passed-out guy, and grab the third dude by the back of his shirt before he starts throwing fists.

Joey is close enough that she just up and kicks the guy right in the stomach, knocking him back toward me. I side-step, and hook my arm around the neck of the guy holding Joey to the wall. I pull back and get him to let go of her. I almost pull him over on top of me as we stumble backward.

The blonde one gets back on his feet, and starts coming toward us. I get knocked one in the eye from the dude I'm trying to hold back.

Joey gets loose of the other guy who's holding her, and knees him square in the nuts; he goes down holding his cranberries, barking like a choking beagle.

The guy I'm holding wrestles his way out of my grip and steps out away from me. Three of them line up like they're going to jump us.

Joey comes up behind me. "Douchebags!"

Blonde one has a big mouth on him. "Fucking dyke!" He starts running for us, the rest of his standing army in tow.

I get hit left and right, but I'm just wailing the best I can. Fist for fist, I'm not going to stand for any of it. I get one by his shirt and start punching him in the side, just below the ribs. He tries to backhand me, but it gets caught under my arm and forces my elbow right into his cheek. He staggers a little. I push him off me and get tackled from one of the others.

We land on the ground and roll. He ends up on top, and I can smell the dip on his breath. Nasty. He hauls off and gets a few in on me, the last one he punches me in the side of the neck.

I see a flash of brown and black. Joey tackles him and rolls around with him on the lawn. He tries to get her wrists.

I jump to my feet, looking over my shoulder to see where the other ones went. The one Joey knocked out is still laying face down in the lawn. Two of them are running off across the parking lot to a truck. God knows what they have in there; chains or knives or whatever. I don't know where the blonde got off to, but I kick the one who's wrestling with Joey square in the side.

He falls over and rolls around, holding onto his ribs.

"Joey, come on!"

"Wha-"

"Just come on!" I see one of them lean over the side and grab a two-by-four. He holds it up and looks at it. "Oh, hell no."

I grab Joey's hand and pull her along, running as fast as I can across the football field and into the thicket on the other side.

Lungs burning. Just fuckin' keep runnin'.

* * *

Joey and I sit on the side of a hill trying to catch our breath; we must've run pretty close to a mile before we even looked back over our shoulders. We're pretty close to the water tower, hiding behind some large rocks--nobody on the road'd be able to see us from here.

"You're gonna have some serious bruises," she's says between breaths. "Looks like someone hit your neck with a sack of oranges."

"Shit. Got a few bruises yourself." I slump against the rock and look up. It’s going to be a little bit cloudy tonight--might even get a snow. "You throw a mean hook."

She smiles. "Yeah, you grow up lookin' like this in Montana, you better be ready to knock out some teeth."

"How'd you wind yourself up in a mess like that?"

"They've always been assholes. I don't have a seventh period, so I get out of school before they do. Thought I could get out of the rodeo meeting quick enough not to be seen." She plucks a yellow stalk of wild grass, cleans the end and puts it in her mouth. "Bastards. All of 'em."

"Sorry about that."

She scrunches her eyebrows. "For what?"

"Having to go through that shit. It ain't right. Guys shouldn't talk to girls like that."

"That's fer' damn sure." She sighs. "I'm glad you came along when you did. That's the first time they've had me alone like that." She looks at me. "Might have ended up one of those stories you see on the national news or something."

"Guys like that shouldn't even be allowed to breathe."

We sit there for a good while, and get ourselves calmed down a bit.

She scratches her arm; there's a small rip in the sleeve of her jacket. "You seen Matthew?"

I don't even know how to answer her. "Not since he left town."

"I saw him about three weeks ago. Don't know what he was doing clear over here, but he looked... different." She bites off the end of the grass and spits it out, putting the stem back between her teeth. "Probably Christmas shopping with his parents or something. He was at the Wal-Mart."

"You saw him?" My jaw's going, and I probably look like a bumbling idiot. "How-- um, did you talk to him?"

"No, he didn't even see me. He went pokin' around the aisle. I kept my eyes open but I didn't see him again after that."

"What you mean he looked different?"

"Just seemed quieter than usual. Looked like he was beaten down and just shriveled up."

I don't know how much of this I can take.

"He was wearing a hoodie. Had his sleeves pushed up, which was strange considering what he did. Had one hand in his sweater pocket. The other one had one of those sweat bands over his wrist." She shrugs. "I don't know."

"You knew?"

"I tried callin' him up after he'd moved. Asked his mom what was up. She just said he was sick. When I asked if there was anything I could do, she told me what happened."

"That whole thing bugs the shit outta me."

"I bet it does." She chuckles. "Dude, you ever hear bro's before ho's?"

"Brooke? Aw, fuck, it wasn't about her. Never was."

"His mom sure thought to hell it was. Guess it's good she didn't know what it really was."

I about fall over. "Pardon?"

"You two would've made a good couple."

I burry my face in my hands and groan. I bet I'm turning ten shades of candy apple red. "I'm not a fuckin' fag!"

"Lem, who're you tryin' to convince? Why you think I'd tell anyone, anyway?"

I stare at her and try to gather my thoughts. "I don't know. Why wouldn't you?"

She shakes her head and holds her hand out like she's trying to make a point. "Dude, you're looking at the biggest dyke in Montana. Why do you think I'd even care?"

"So it's true?"

"So what the fuck if it is?"

I shake my head and swallow hard. "I'm not gay. I can't be."

"Of course you're not." She crosses her arms. "Well, whatever you are, I don't have anything against you. Saved my ass back there, it's gotta count for something."

I fix on the ground in front of me. "Just, don't tell anyone. Please."

"I'm not like that."

"Can I tell you something secret?"

"Sure."

"I miss him somethin' terrible. It's like the best part of me is gone, and I can't find it."

"It's true. Don't know what you got 'till it's gone."

"Bet my parents think I'm this... huge nutcase. Ever since that happened, I've been having all these dreams. Doing shit I wouldn't normally do. You know I beat the crap out of my brother?"

"You did? Why?"

"It was after I came back from Mattie's, when I heard what happened. Jason said I should cut myself, and I saw red. Freed the beast on his face."

"Did he know?"

"Nope. I just had enough."

"We all come undone at one point or another."

"I'm all sorts of undone lately." I hesitate. "I think it was my own selfishness that made Mattie come undone."

"Why?"

"I didn't know he was all for me like that. I didn't know how to take it, either."

"You would'a had to been blind not to see that comin'."

"God, I was so wrapped up in other stuff not to see it for what it was."

"Or was Jeff wrapped up in you?"

I look at her. "Damn it, girl. Get outta my head!"

"Mattie always thought something was up with you and him. He kept asking me why someone like Jeff was good enough for you, but he wasn't."

"I'm not gay!"

"Did you do shit with Jeff."

"A bit. I mean..." I feel myself crumbling. I whisper: "fuck." I fold my hands together and squeeze my knuckles. "That was a mess. Don't even know why I liked him so much, either. Jeff, I mean."

"You, Matthew, Jeff, and Brooke. One hell of a love triangle you got yourself going." She smiles at me. "Brooke's for show, isn't she?"

"Brooke is my only hope for being normal."

She stands up. "Who the fuck wants to be normal?"

"You think I like being like this? Living like two different people, like a fuckin' criminal? I love Mattie, but, I mean, what would people think if--"

"FUCK what other people think! You need to live for you, not nobody else."

I can only sit there and feel the sting of her voice; I know she's right. I look at my wristwatch. "Shit. I don't even know how I'm gettin' home."

She sits down next to me. "I think I can help you out with that one."

"Huh?"

"I'm sure my dad wouldn't have a problem running you over to Burlee, seeing you stood up for me and all."

* * *

"Lem Taylor! What on earth happened to your neck?" Momma has her hand on her chest.

I keep my gaze down. "Sorry, Momma. Brooke got a little carried away."

Jason's standing at the fridge—he lets out a gut laugh when he hears me say it. He turns around, looks me over, and starts laughing again.

"Lem, that's not funny." She squints at me. "Oh, my God- your eye."

"It's nothing, momma."

"Just what the hell happened to your face?" She puts her hands on her hips.

Jason hoots. "One kinky neck fetish!" He has a good chuckle at my expense.

"Jason..." Momma sighs. "Just... go find something to do. You're not helping." She turns to me as Jason walks out of the kitchen, still laughing. "So?"

I hear Jason in the living room--high, shrill laughing.

"JASON!" She looks at me. "What happened?"

"I was leaving practice. These five guys had a girl cornered and said they were gonna do things to her."

"Like what?"

"Um... they..." I burn up a little. "They said they were gonna... um... make her a real woman."

"They said what?"

"To be technical, they said they were gonna fuck her."

Momma scowls at me.

"Sorry. I told them to back off, and when they all turned around, she punched one of them in the face. Knocked him clean out. The others pinned her up against the wall. Figured I should do something."

"Who were these boys?"

"I don't know. Joey said she did."

"What if you get into trouble for this? You expect dad and I'll be there to bail you out?"

"I was just doin' what I thought was right."

"And using your fists is better than using your brain?"

"Jesus, Momma! They practically said they was gonna rape her! Who knows what they woulda' done if I ran off to find help. And they fuckin' started it. You an' Dad always say to stand up for what's right."

Her face is stone. The right side of her cheek clenches, and one side of her mouth flattens out. She puts her hands on my shoulders and squeezes real hard, pulling me into her. She has one hand across my back, and one on the back of my head; we stand cheek to cheek.

"Did I do right by you, Momma?"

She sighs into my ear. "You did, honey. You did."

* * *

I'm trying to hustle so I don't miss the bus to practice. I hate it when my math teacher keeps us after class until she drives her point into the ground. 'Algebra is the culmination of this,' she always says. 'Numbers are the culmination of that...'

I wish my foot could culminate with her ass.

Then there's the pencil-neck at the front of the class who keeps asking her fucking questions and won't shut up.

I throw my shit in my locker and slam the door—it’s a pretty light night for homework. I turn to haul-ass down the hallway, but I run square into Jeff.

"Watch where you're goin', Susan."

"Whatever." I side-step and go to walk off.

He grabs my arm. "Hey, you never call anymore," he says softly.

"You made it pretty clear what this was. I got nothing to say to you."

"Don't be like this. We should get together for a little fun. Get some drinks. What you say?"

"Don't be like-- no, fuck you." We stare at each other for a minute. "Now, you gonna drop my arm before I make you drop it?"

"Think I'm scared of you, Susan? Gonna do somethin' about it or you gonna cry like your little Mattie?"

He still has my arm when I push him against the locker; he squeezes onto it to keep his balance. "You know, the last son of a bitch that had somethin' bad to say about Matthew got his face rearranged." I point at my face. "This was five against me when I stood my ground, and this was all the damage they did to me. So, you can either bring it or let go of my fucking arm."

He gives me his bird look and an evil smile. "You know what I think?"

"I'm tellin' you, man. Drop my arm."

"I bet you'll be runnin' back to me. I bet you'll be beggin' me for a fuck." He lets go. "Just you give me a jingle when you want your teeth rattled around."

I step back, keeping my eyes on him. I just want to deck him, but I barely talked my way out of the other fight. There are a few people around the halls, but none close enough to care. Most of them didn't even see me push him into the lockers. There aren’t even enough people to draw a crowd, but still enough to get me into some t-- fuck it.

I turn on my foot and merge my fist with the side of his face, knocking him clean off his feet.

He looks up at me, holding his cheek. He's surprised, that's for damn sure.

I pull at the brim of my hat. "Just you run your mouth again next time you want your teeth rattled around." I turn and walk down the hall. I’m grinning ear to ear, and I think I'm okay with this. For the first time in a while, I'm fine.

* * *

I'm starting to drift off to sleep. I see Mattie smiling when I close my eyes; he's happy. His eyes look more golden than usual.

We're in this big, green field in the middle of nothing. A little wind blows through his hair. He grins and chuckles, a light tenor, boyish laugh. It all takes me back, somehow.

This is a dream I want to be in.

Something doesn't sound right. There's a car driving up the lane--I can hear the gravel popping around the wheels. I open my eyes and look outside, through the curtain. There's a pick-up truck with a set of unlit police lights parked right behind Momma's truck. The Sheriff gets out and stretches his legs a little before he walks toward the house.

My heart skips a beat. I wonder if he's here because of what happened with Joey, or maybe even Jeff. Can they arrest me for having sex with Mattie or Jeff? I don't know if I should stay up here or go down and see what's going on.

His knocking feels like it's rattling the whole front of the house. The dogs bark in the mud room. I hear the front door being pulled open, and parts of his voice float through the floor.

Guess if I'm in deep shit, I might as well head it off at the pass. I put on a shirt and walk out, taking to the stairs. I stop on the first landing and see Momma sitting on the love seat across from the cop. Dad's got his hand on her shoulder.

She looks up at me, her eyes red and watering.

I must have fucked up bad this time.

She chokes. "Lem, baby, would you get Jason n' Chase outta bed?"

"Why, Momma? What happened? What's wrong?"

"It's Missus Jensen. She died in her sleep last night."

* * *

"I'm sorry about your loss. You want to talk about it?"

I look at a spot on my boots and fidget with my thumbs. "She was old. I'm just glad she went quietly."

"Do you feel at peace with it?"

"I think so. Momma's takin' it harder than I am. Maybe she should be in here right now. Bet she needs you more than I do."

"Why do you think that is?" Reagan scribbles something down on her writing pad.

"Well, she was like a grandma to us. It's sad, I mean. Really sad. Especially since she's not around any more. But she had dignity, especially as old as she was."

"That's a very kind and intelligent thing to say, Lem." She smiles. "How was the funeral?"

"It's the first one I ever been to. I guess it was nice, considering what it was." I fold my hands in my lap. "Is it normal to put things in someone's casket?"

She turns her head a little to the side. "What, like flowers?"

"Momma made oatmeal raisin cookies. Missus Jensen's recipe. She wrapped them up in a handkerchief, like Missus Jensen used to when she'd give us kids cookies. A blue one for me, a red one for Jason and the pink one for Chase. Tied each one to a flower and had us leave them in the casket with her."

"That's so sweet. I bet something like that would have meant a lot to Missus Jensen."

"I guess." I trail off and sit silently for a bit, my head lost in space.

“Is something else bothering you?”

I nod. "If I give you something, will you look after it? For safe keeping?"

Reagan puts her glasses on top of her head. "Depends on what it is."

I look at the envelope in my hands, turning it over and look at the front. "I want you to read it, too." I hand it to her.

"You want me to wait, or read it now?"

"Whatever suits you."

She opens it, pulls out the paper and unfolds it. After glancing it over, she reads it under her breath. "Deserve better than me... worthless piece of, um..." She looks up. "What's this all over the paper?"

"Blood."

She looks at me right uneasy. "Blood? Is this--"

"It's the letter Mattie left for me. Ronnie gave it to me when he told me what happened." I half expect her to hold it by the corner and drop it in the trash can.

"Are you sure you trust me with this?"

"Mom found some of Jason's Playboy Magazines the other day. I figured it wouldn't be safe at home if she decided to get a wild hair and look through my stuff. I just want it to be safe."

"How about I keep it in the back of your file? I'll paperclip it to a blank page."

"I think it's my most valuable possession."

"Why do you say that?"

My eyes fill with water, a hot tear streaming down my face.

“Lem?”

I sniffle. "It's the only piece of Matthew I have."

She looks it over again and, holding it like a scroll, only touches the top and bottom parts of the page. "It says I love you. What do you think he meant by that?" She folds it carefully, puts it back in the envelope and sets it on her desk. She reaches over and grabs a bottle of antibacterial hand lotion.

I just stare at her.

She looks at her hands, then at me. "It's not what it looks like, Lem. I use this stuff between sessions or even after I shake someone's hand. I’m a bit of a germaphobe. Blood's just one of those things that freaks me out. It's nothing against Matthew or you or anyone else."

I nod. "I understand."

"So, back to the letter- what do you think he meant?"

"Exactly what it read."

"There are different kinds of love. Did he love you like a friend, or a brother?"

"Everything we talk about, you meant what you said when you told me everything was secret?"

"Lem, I won't tell anyone anything we talk about unless I have reason to believe you're a harm to yourself or to others. Like, if you told me you were going to kill yourself or someone else, then I'd have to talk to someone, like your parents or the police."

I sigh. "Mattie and I did some stuff together."

"What sort of stuff?"

I bite my lip, because there’s no easy way to say it. "We made love a few times."

"So that's what you meant when you said you had sex, but not with your girlfriend?"

I nod slowly, feeling like I'm about to fly away on the breeze because I'm so lightheaded.

"Okay," she holds up a hand. There's a pen between her fingers. "Before we talk about that, I want to ask you something."

"What, if I'm a fag or something?" I say it through my teeth. Feel like I'm going to throw up. My secret's out, and she's going to fucking tell my parents. Everyone's going to know. "Goddamn it, I knew I shouldn't say anything."

She shakes her head back and forth, really wide. "Nooo... no Lem. That's not what I was going to ask." She scoots her chair a little closer. "Sweetheart, whoever you choose to love, it doesn't matter to me. I'm happy for you if you find love with another man."

"I'm not gay. I can't be."

"I didn't say you were. Maybe you're bisexual, or just experimenting." She leans forward. "What I wanted to say was you never trusted me before. Why are you trusting me now? What changed?" She pats my knee.

"I thought that's what you wanted."

"It is, Lem. But why the sudden change?"

"Missus Jensen, she told me I should open up and let someone in. That I should put my trust in someone before all the bad things eat me from the inside out."

"That sounds like great advice. How does that make you feel now that you've told me about you and Matthew? Does it feel like a weight lifted?"

"I guess, maybe a little."

"Good. Good. Is that what was holding you back? Keeping you from talking to me?"

I nod and sob quietly.

"We can take a break if you need to. Maybe we can go for a walk?"

I shake my head and blubber. "No, there's more I gotta tell you. Lots more. I can't keep it inside me anymore."

"What do you want to tell me, sweetheart?"

"Fuckin'... everything."

She encourages me with a warm smile, like she's welcoming me into her home or something. "Start where you feel comfortable, and take all the time you need."