Lem - 10. Shadow

Mattie and me sit on the couch sharing a blanket. It’s not like we're cuddling, since we're sitting right smack next to Ronnie, but Mattie keeps grabbing my hand under the covers; I don't much like the idea of getting caught. Once in a while I'll give him a stare, like to tell him to knock it off.

Ronnie stretches out and collapses back on the couch. "Damn it. I need to get up and do something with myself."

Mattie looks across me at his brother. "Weren't you and Jenny gonna do something tonight?"

He shakes his head. "No. That’s tomorrow. I guess I could call her. I wouldn't mind a change of scenery." He gets up and walks into his room.

Mattie lunges at me and plants one on my lips.

I push him back. "What if he walks back out here and sees that?"

"Sorry." He blushes, a wry grin on his lips.

After a minute, Ronnie walks back out. "Guess she's up for a little some-some." He stops, looks at us. "Gentlemen, don't you two have too much fun." He smiles and takes a small bow. "I don't reckon I'll be back tonight. Just don't mention it to Mom and Dad, if they ask."

Mattie nods.

Ronnie goes up the steps. I can hear the back door open and shut, and his truck taking off. You'd probably hear the damn thing all the way across the county. Don't see how it'd be a secret if he was trying to sneak out.

"Lem?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you say you didn't want to drag me into this?"

"Because I don't." I sigh. "I don't like the way I feel, and I don't want you to suffer because of it."

"You know what?" He looks at me. "I like the way I feel when I'm with you."

"I know, Mattie." I squeeze his shoulder.

"You haven't brought up Jeff in a while."

Think. What to say... "He's a douche bag. Ronnie was right."

"Why, what'd he do?"

"Just... stuff. I'm done with all that mess."

"What did he do?" He cocks his head at me.

"Just never you mind."

He frowns and crosses his arms. "Why don't you trust me? You don't ever tell me anything."

"Did you ever stop and think it was for the better that I didn't bring somethin' up?"

"Then why do I get the feeling it's about me?"

"It's not about you, Mattie. He stole something. He wronged me, and the only reason I didn't want to say anything is because I was afraid it'd hurt you."

Mattie stands up and walks to the stereo, pushing a few buttons as he passes. He turns off the TV set.

"I was watching that!"

"Lem, come over here."

Wynonna Judd’s version of Free Bird starts playing on the sound system.

I stand in front of him, eyes locked on the floor.

He pulls my hands around his waist, and puts his arms on my shoulders.

"Mattie?"

He pulls me closer. "Just dance with me."

I move in step, slowly rocking back and forth with him.

"You remember the valley? Drivin' into Helena?"

"A little."

"They were playin' this on the radio. Don't ask why, but this song reminds me of you."

"Mattie, do you talk to Joey about me?"

He sighs. "Yeah. I just needed someone to listen. You do things sometimes that just confuse the hell outta me. I've wanted to kiss you for a while now, and... and... well, I just didn't know who you were sometimes."

When the song ends, we dance for a couple more minutes before Mattie breaks the silence.

"What'd Jeff take from you, Lem?" He squeezes me.

"What little of my innocence I had left, I s'pose."

"Was he your first kiss? The one you told me about when you freaked out last weekend?"

"Mattie... I... I really wish it would'a been you. I know you wouldn't lead me wrong."

He puts his hands under my arms, and latches around my back. He squeezes me again, putting his ear to mine. "Why does this feel so right?"

"I don't know, Shadow. I don't know."

* * *

Backdraft was retired from PBR after mangling a rider pretty bad. The rider came out of the chute and stayed on for five seconds or so. 681 came forward, kicked out, knocked the rider forward, and over the side. The rider had a clean break from the rope, but came in too close to the bull.

681's front legs came down on top of him, right on his pelvis, crushed that and part of his back. Before the clowns or officials or medics could get to the rider, Backdraft scooped him right up off the ground with his horns, and threw him up in the air like a rag doll. The rider was wearing a neck brace on his vest, but came down on his head just right. With all his body weight, which was dead weight at that point, came down right on top of itself; he broke his C2, C3 vertebrae, shattered C7.

* * *

I kiss Mattie on the mouth. I hope Ronnie doesn't find out, but we're messing around on his bed.

Mattie works fast; he's already naked. I've only managed to get my pants off.

Our bodies are pressed against each other. I pull him against me and suck at his face like a starving hatchling; it’s so easy to get caught up in moments like this.

My lips on his collar bone, I lick his soft skin and give him a hickey that turns maroon almost instantly. I move to his nipple and suck on it a little, biting it lightly. He moans a little too loud for my comfort, and I just hope to God sound doesn't travel through the air vents like it does at my house.

He rocks his hips under me, grinding his crotch into my belly. I pinch his other nipple with my fingers, drawing a breath from his lungs.

I move down and kiss every patch of his stomach, inch by inch. I stop at his belly button, not leaving until I've cleaned it proper. Dragging my tongue along his skin, through his hair, and down his dick, I pull his legs over my shoulders and go down on him, rubbing his balls while I work.

His breathing gets heavy, and his balls are a bit sweaty. I roll one around on my tongue, playing with the loose skin in my mouth. I get them both in there, and use my tongue to lick the back side of his nuts.

I want to go on--I want to give Mattie something to remember, and I can't stop myself. My stomach turns with butterflies.

Sheets clenched tight in his hands, he breathes like he just ran a marathon, his tummy rolling like an ocean wave in a storm.

I push my face in between his legs. With his balls resting on the bridge of my nose, I run my tongue up and down his taint, stopping on the top-most edge of a shallow pit that houses my prize.

He shudders, crying out like a cough. "Uahhh!" His legs twitch and shake like a leaf. "God, Lem! Ghhhuuuuhhh! Haaahhhhhh!"

I push his legs up a little and let his cheeks come apart on their own, finding that musk again. It’s so different from the rest of him.

I want it, and I will have it.

I kiss it first, causing Mattie to twitch in surprise. It’s not like he's trying to get away from it, I just don't think he was expecting it.

He tries to talk between breaths. "Lem..."

I look up at him. "Hold onto something, Mattie, or you're going to fly away."

"Wha--"

I bury my face, licking around his hole. Judging by his panting, he doesn't have any objections. I stick my tongue in a little, explore around a little bit. It's not what I thought it'd be, and it doesn't taste nasty or anything—it’s warm and a little tart, acidic like a battery on the tongue.

I want to be okay with pleasing him like this, because it makes me feel connected to him. I’m so high with adrenalin, and so bogged down with guilt.

He draws his legs back a little more, exposing all of himself to me.

I could do this all night.

"Oh, Lem," he gasps. He breathes funny, and lets out a little squeak. "Fuck, Lem! Nnnnnnnnnnn. UH. Uh. Uhhhhh." His hips start going. I know what he's feeling, and what he's thinking right now.

After a few minutes I stop, stick my middle finger in my mouth and start rubbing him. "Mattie?" I keep my finger there, rubbing him. Slide up on the bed next to him.

His whole face is bright red, his eyes are watering, and he’s got a vein in his forehead I never noticed before. He's trying hard to catch his breath.

I rub in small circles, and push lightly; he arches his back and moans.

"Shadow, talk to me."

He breathes in. "Fuck you." He looks at me, still trying to catch his breath. His skin glistens in the dim blues of the nightlight near the bed.

"What?"

"I didn't say stop." He gives me an evil grin and kisses me.

It's enough for me. I push my finger in slowly.

He pulls his knee up to his chest and drops the other leg down on the bed, laying there practically spread-eagle.

I work my finger in further to see if I can find his wild spot. I rub the inside of the tube, and push up toward his front, his dick jumping by itself. He moans again.

I got him so worked up right now I know he'd do anything. I just don't want him to regret it later.

God knows I will.

I pull my finger out, rest my hand on his chest and lay there, counting the freckles on the side of his torso.

"What's wrong? Why'd you stop?"

"Mattie, if I was a different person, I'd have done things to you. Just... stuff I don't think I could forgive myself for, or that you would either." I bite my bottom lip and sigh.

"Lem, I don't care what we do. I wouldn't think none less of you."

"I don't even know how I can come to terms with what I've done. Especially to you."

"Don't stop, not now. Don't you dare!"

"I'm sorry, Mattie. I can't."

He stares at the ceiling for a minute. "You're the only person who's ever made me feel this good. I'm okay with the two of us. I aint gonna tell a soul what we do."

"Why do I feel so bad about it? Why do I feel so fuckin' guilty?"

He squeezes the arm I have across his chest. "Lem, it's only wrong if you think it's wrong. You’re the only thing right about my life."

Why does it have to be me?

I listen to him breathing for a while. I've fucked this up bad, now.

"Lem?"

"Yeah, Mattie?"

"Um, would you..." He licks his lips and purses them together. "I want you to fuck me."

I get up on an elbow. "What?"

"It's been in my head too long. I want you in me."

"Mattie, why?"

"I want to feel what it'd be like to be yours, even if it was just once."

"What're you doing to me, Shadow?"

"Please, Lem?"

My head's a noisy jumble. I've been here before, wanting this thing Mattie wants now.

"Please," he whispers.

I shake my head, letting him get the better of me. "I need to find something. Give me a second."

I walk to Ronnie's bathroom and have a look through his medicine cabinet, moving things around. Jesus, Ronnie's gotta have some Vaseline or something in here. I find a small tube of lotion lotion—the same stuff Jason uses after he washes his face to keep it from getting too dry and breaking out.

It'll do, and at least it doesn't smell.

I go back to the bedroom and find Mattie with his ass pointed up, propped on his knees.

"Mattie..."

"Please, Lem. I need you to do this."

I don't get him, or why this hurts so much for me to do this; I'm no better than Jeff. I sit on my knees behind him, rubbing his ring-piece softly with my finger.

He moans into the mattress and drops his legs down a little. "Please. Please."

I put some lotion on my pecker, and spread some on Mattie’s waiting notch. My fingers explore inside him, just to loosen him up enough to take me.

It takes a few moments for it to relax with just the two fingers, and I don’t much figure I’m getting another one in there, he’s so tight. It makes me wonder how he’s going to take me.

I stand up on my knees and dock with his hips, pulling him back toward me. I have to push my stuff down to line it up. I hesitate. "I don't want to break you."

"Please, Lem."

I start pushing it in, keeping things nice and slow.

Once the head is in, he pushes back. Mattie cries his pain into the mattress, but just keeps pushing back; he's not stopping. He’s doing this all on his own. He gets all the way down, turning his head to the side, and pants.

He's crying.

“Are you okay, Shadow?”

He twists the blankets in his hands, his knuckles turning white. “I love you.” The hole squeezes and pulsates; it's so tight around me it almost hurts. We stay that way for a good long time until he's comfortable, until he can stand this thing that's deep inside him.

It feels strange to be on this end of things--it's inviting and warm.

Mattie starts pushing back and forth, thrusting his shoulders forward on the bed to get it started. I hold his hips and counter his movement. I slide in a little too far; he cries out and buries his face into the bed.

"Mattie?"

"Keep going." He reaches back behind him, putting his hands on my hips, and pulls me forward.

I start pumping again, starting slow, and speed up until we're both moaning good. His shoulders are starting to fill out a little, and although I can see his spine, his back is toned just enough that it doesn’t look strange—seeing he’s so skinny.

I stop, and pull out. "Turn over, Shadow. On your back."

Mattie breathes for a minute, and rolls over. He looks up at me with tired, longing eyes.

I kiss him while I slide myself back in, lifting up on his hips to get him at my level.

He moans as I stick it in; I must be hitting the spot just right. Mattie rolls his hips with mine, wraps his legs around my waist and squeezes.

I stare at his face, watching him moan, cry, and pant with every thrust.

He scrunches his face up, and I can't tell if it's pain or pleasure. Sweat collects on his forehead like morning dew on a leaf. His hair is wet, matted to his forehead.

I lean back and hold onto his thighs, rocking my hips. His knees end up over my shoulders as I lean in to kiss his lips.

Pump faster.

He's moaning in my mouth. With his arms around me, Mattie scratches my back, grabbing onto my skin and pulling. He puts his hands on my ass and tries to manage the tempo, pulling me against him harder, trying with all his energy to get me to just slam him.

Why does this feel so right?

I slow down. "I think we need more lotion."

He nods quietly, but doesn't let me slide out. He clinches around me.

Pulling myself out of him, I reach for the bottle and sit on the edge of the bed. After I’ve put a little more lotion on, he straddles my hips. He looks down my body, grabs my cock and works it in. He slides down, bouncing up and down. I hold his butt and pull him at his own rhythm, trying to thrust the best I can.

Drops of his sweat fall on me, our bodies sliding against each other. We’re both drenched.

Thrusting.

Pumping.

I want this to go on forever, and judging by Mattie’s mewling, I think he does, too.

This is going to be us, now--define us and what we do together. We can't be just friends anymore, because it's going to be weird.

Mattie pushes me over, but we keep on fucking, never skipping a beat. We roll around, and I end up on top again, slamming his ass as hard as I can. "Mattie... I'm... I'm gonna cum."

"Stay in me," he whimpers.

I lean back. I can feel my head poking into the wall. I must be hitting his button because he's breathing funny again.

These sensations.

Everything.

Ten years comes down to this fucking moment--this second right here.

I jerk his dick once or twice, and he shoots off. It’s like a gunshot; a huge load that must have drained everything out of him. It keeps throbbing, and squirting--it's too hot for me.

I have the feeling in the back of my nuts, the feeling I'm about to unload. I squeeze his cock harder, the last bits trailing out onto his chest. There’s adrenalin pumping through my veins, and my ass cheeks clench together. I slide in, and feel the throw in huge surges. "I... I... Goooooooooddddddddd fucking damn it!" I gasp for air and try to breathe again, but I end up collapsing on top of Mattie.

We lay there breathing hard. I'm still in him, but I don't want to move. I could fall asleep just like this, right here on top of my best friend. My head rests against his chest, and I can hear his heart thumping like a wild rabbit. He's stroking the back of my head with one hand, rubbing my shoulder with the other.

Fifteen minutes pass. I can't bring myself to say anything, only listen to Mattie breathe. I rub his side, and feel his ribs, staying inside him. It’s his call, now.

If Mattie wants to live in this moment a while longer, I should let him. Just for a while.

* * *

Last night, Mattie zipped our sleeping bags together before we went to sleep. He pulled my arm over him so we were lying like a set of spoons. Before I drifted off, I could only wonder what was going on inside his head--what thoughts were drifting between those ears of his.

Every time he would start in his sleep, toss or turn, I would wonder if it was me he was having nightmares about. I don't know what he wants, and I don't know if I can keep giving it to him if I did.

The morning light peeks through the windows. The basement is so dark that I can only see outlines and the Shadow in my arms.

I have a serious case of morning wood. I grab my cock and rub it through his butt crack a few times. He moans, stretches his arms back over his head, and holds me by the back of the neck. He points his knee up, puts his foot behind my legs, and tries to move his hips to coax me in.

I whisper in his ear, "no, Mattie. This time, you're fucking me."

* * *

It’s rare that I come home and nobody’s there. Dad and Momma had some business over in Havre, and Chase went off to study with one of her friends. God knows where Jason is, but I’d be willing to bet it’s up to no good.

I can’t say that I’m up to much better, with me and Mattie rolling around in the hay loft like a set of horny jackrabbits. It seems all we do lately is mess around.

Mattie pulls out of me, crawls around to my side, and rests his head on my stomach. He rubs my chest, and sighs when he looks at me, the smile fading from his lips. “What’s wrong?”

I shake my head. “Nothing.” For the last week, it's all that I've been thinking about. I still feel strange about it, like I was the one who put him up to it.

On the other end of things, Brooke's been getting clingy, too. She holds my hand at school, and wants me to tell her what I think of her, or how she looks. I can be walking down the hall, look over my shoulder and see Mattie ten feet behind, face red and green written in his eyes. I hate seeing him like that, and I know it ain't right. Him and me, we can't be like what Brooke and I are in public. I know he wants it to be like that, that he wants to be able to hold my hand in front of everyone. He wants to kiss me in front of my locker the way she does.

It’s when he gets me cornered in these little entanglements that it all changes; he goes on like she doesn’t exsist. I know it twists him up inside, but there's not a damn thing I can do or say about it without letting a whole lot of cats out of a whole lot of bags.

We could be our own little secret. But Momma always said to dance with the one that brought you. She's been saying that long before the song came out, too. I can't just stop seeing Brooke. If I tell her I don't want be with her, people would suspect something's wrong. She's got enough pull around this school that if I break her heart, it'd be the end of me.

I'm dragging him down with me.

At least Jeff won't even look at me--if it were only that easy. I just don't want to lose Mattie like that. His friendship is too important to me.

“I can hear the cogs spinning.” He rubs his finger over my nipple.

I grunt. “Stop it. They’re sensitive.”

He grins. “What are you gonna do if I don’t?”

“Mattie…” I chide.

“Okay. Sorry.” He turns red and nuzzles his face into my side. “Lem?”

“Yeah?”

“You know I feel for you, right?”

A little too well. “Yeah.”

“You’re not mad about it, are you?”

“Why would I be?”

He rolls over so he’s on his back. “You’re lying.”

I cover my hands over my face, and run my fingers through my hair. “Jeez, Shadow. I don’t know what to think.”

He lets the silence hang for a few moments.

Below us, Smokey blows his lips and whinnies.

He turns and kisses me gently on the lips, searching my eyes for something that I don’t know I have the answer to. “I like being your secret.”

It chills me the way he says it, because it doesn’t sound like him saying it. It sounds a little sad.

* * *

Brooke leads me into the cafeteria by the hand. We go through the line, and get our food--she gets a salad, like girls always do. I take a plate of Pizza since we don't get it too often. We sit at a table with some of Brooke's friends. It takes Mattie a bit longer to get through the line, but he sits on the other side of me.

He hunches forward, just staring at his food.

Brooke's friends are too wrapped up in themselves to notice. Brooke leans over in front of me, toward Mattie. "What's wrong, Shadow?"

He looks up at her, blushes, and looks back down at his lap. "Don't call me that," he grumbles.

I stare side-long at him. "Mattie, she didn't mean anything by it."

"What the fuck ever." Everyone at the table looks at him as he pushes away from the table. He stands up and walks off, out the door faster than a fart in a wind storm.

"What was that all about?" Brooke asks, staring toward the entrance of the cafeteria.

I sigh and shake my head. "He's been acting really weird lately."

She squeezes my hand under the table. "I wanted to ask you if we could do something this weekend, before we get all busy with Thanksgiving and everything. When my family gets to town, I don't think I'll be able to see you for a while." The fact that she could dismiss him so quickly, just write him off like that--it bothers me.

"Maybe." I stare at the door, knowing full well that I need to go after him.

"I was also wondering..." She makes circles with her finger on the table, and bats her pretty little eyelashes at me. She's got her hair done up in pig tails, and kind of looks like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. "Lem, I know I'm not supposed to be the one askin' this, but I was wanting to know, if you were okay with it, if we could be official?"

"Official?"

"Yeah. If you'd be my boyfriend."

I feel myself blushing. "I don't see why not." I fake a smile, and any way I slice it, it feels like a lie. I should be over a hill right now. "I'd be the luckiest guy in Montana."

She gives me a peck on the lips. The other girls notice, starting off a chorus of hootin' and hollerin'.

Speaking of turnin' bright red... "Brooke, I should go figure out what's wrong with Matthew."

She nods. "Oh, okay."

I get up and squeeze her hand before I leave—to make it at least look official.

I walk down the hall, peeking around corners, to see if I can spot him. Down at the other end of the hallway, I walk by a set of windows and see him sitting under a tree in the courtyard. Mattie’s got his knees drawn up to his chest, hugging them, and he’s staring at a dead leaf in front of him.

The door latch makes a loud clacking noise as I walk outside.

He doesn't look at me when I sit down next to him; he just keeps examining the leaf, turning it by the stem to see the other side.

I keep my voice down. "Mattie, we can't act like this. People are gonna start thinkin' somethin's wrong with you."

"So what if there is something wrong with me?"

"You know, she didn't mean any bad when she called you Shadow."

"It's you, Lem. You're the only one that can call me that. It made me so mad when she said it."

"She's the one that came up with it."

"So what? I don't want anything to do with that bitch."

"Hey! Watch what you say, man. That's my girlfriend you're talkin' about."

He snaps a look at me and squints. "Since when?"

"Well, she's been wanting to call it official for a while, Mattie."

"So I mean nothing to you?"

"Don't be like this." I rub my forehead and think for a while. "You mean a lot to me, Shadow. We need to do everything we can to look normal. You and me can't be seen as two boys in love. You know what people would do if they found out what we done? If they didn't try to hurt both of us, and they'd say things--hurtful things." I hesitate. "Mattie, I didn't want to go this far with you because I didn't want you to get hurt."

"You know when you fucked me, Lem? All I wanted was to matter to you."

"It meant everything, but we didn't have to do that to be friends.”

He scoffs and sniffles, a tear running down his face. “Friends?” He grits his teeth. “You fucked me, you were inside me, and I’m just a friend?”

“Don’t say it like that. Christ, Mattie, when did all this shit get so complicated?"

He shakes his head and looks away from me. "Now I just feel cheap."

Something changes in his posture. He gets up and bolts toward the exit.

I feel like I’m about to lose my best friend—for good this time. There’s no saying how long it’s going to take him to come around if he goes through that door without me trying to make peace. "Mattie, please! Sit down."

He stops, looking back over his shoulder. "I hope she means a lot to you, Lem. Enjoy her, an' bein' normal. I'm through."

"Mattie..."

He goes through the doors, and walks down the hall.