A Photographer's Dream - 1. A Photographer's Dream

A Photographer’s Dream

“May I turn on the safety light?” It is customary to call out when entering a darkroom, so it doesn’t ruin someone’s work in process. And I knocked, of course.

“Oh, sure. Go ahead.”

“Is that you Jason?”

“Yes. Why are you here at this hour?”

“Aren’t you happy to see me?” I joked. Now that I think of it, I should have said “hear me”. It’s funnier that way. The room was still fairly dark with the black safety light turned on.

I approached his photo enlarger station, and it was indeed Jason .

“No..., I mean, I just didn’t expect to see you,” he said.

“Well, it’s the end of the semester, and there are still a few photos I need to turn in for the final.” I looked around, nobody was in the room except us. Clearly, others didn’t know about extended lab hours yet.

Click.

Jason turned on the enlarger light. His head was down, fixated on his work. He looked like he was in another world, deep in thought. Nothing else existed at this moment, except for his work. Although I found him sexy when he was so dedicated to his work, I wished he would pay more attention to me.

Click.

I stopped staring at him and turned on my enlarger light.

Click.

Jason turned off his enlarger light and put his ready-to-be-developed photo into a tray and moved to the wash sink.

“Why is it cold in here?” I tried to start a conversation.

“I don’t know.”

“And it’s so freaking hot there by the film dryer. Like an oven.” I laughed.

But he didn’t laugh.

Click.

I turned off the enlarger light and moved next to him with my photo.

Jason has been my boyfriend for two years now. Although we were in the same class, the first time we really talked was in this darkroom. He taught me to dip the photo in the developer with the image side facing down. That way the photo would develop better. We spent a lot of time together in here. The following semester, we texted each other all the time when we weren’t together. Sometimes we did that even when we were in the same class. Then our friendship turned into something more serious. We were inseparable....

“This photo is for you. But I can’t show you just yet.”

“Really?” He said.

I wasn’t sure if he was really listening, or replied out of reflex. He stirred his photo in the developer with a pair of tongs while I waited for him to finish. It wasn’t a good idea to put two photos in the developer at the same time. Well, not good enough for him anyway. The standard he put on his photos was pretty high, so he strictly followed the set rules.

He stirred his photo again, looked at his watch, removed the photo from the developer, washed it in the stop bath, then moved it onto the next step: the fixer sink.

I dipped my photo into the developer, face down, like he taught me.

I couldn’t figure out how he did it. I mean, how could he not even wonder about what the photo looked like until the final stop wash? The curiosity would have killed me. It has been many years now since I started this, and I continued to be amazed by how the image slowly emerged from a piece of white paper, just like magic.

As much as I wanted to see his photo at this point, which I knew would turn out very nice, I also knew he wouldn’t be happy if I asked.

“Do you remember our first kiss?”

He remained silent.

“I found it really amazing you said you had never been kissed. I mean, weren’t you at least curious what’s it like? I probably couldn’t hold off for so long. How old were you when we finally had our kiss? Like 22 or something?”

Silence. He was fixated on his watch to make sure the photo developed to the exact second.

I tapped my feet while waiting for the photo to finish developing. I heard my own footsteps on the linoleum floor with crystal clarity. Jason and I went to so many places to find these shoes: suede high-top in indigo. Surely, I didn’t want to stain them with chemicals, so I stopped tapping.
I wondered if there was a light leak near the far corner of the room. It would’ve upset him greatly if I told him that. So I decided not to tell, as I knew he would have redeveloped all his photos. That’s just the kind of guy he was; very serious about photography. I convinced myself I was imagining it. There was no light leak, and that was that. A self-fulfilling prophecy was the last thing I needed.

He startled me, “I probably won’t be here next semester.”

“Oh....” My heart sank. I couldn’t say I was unprepared. Thinking of his obligation to his family, “Is it because of your parents?”

“Well... I guess that too. I’ve been shooting more with digital lately.” He stirred his photo in the fixer. “Don’t forget to stir yours.” He gently reminded me. “I just don’t have much time for this anymore.”

I stirred my photo with tongs, “See, I didn’t flip my photo over this time.” A ton of weight finally lifted off my shoulders when he smiled.

We were two clouds in a windy sky. He called me once in a while, like a doctor checking on a terminally ill patient. I couldn’t quite pinpoint what changed between us, but I had always respected his personal space. Besides, Lizzy said, if you kept calling a guy, he might think that you were insecure and he’d have the upper hand in the relationship. I took my best friend’s advice; she seemed to know what she was talking about. Her words didn’t help much. Well..., no, not really, because I tumbled around my bed more often lately. I rarely had a great dream nowadays, and I wanted one so I could tell Jason all about it.

Jason’s parents wanted him to be a lawyer, so photography was only a hobby for him; it wasn’t permanent. He had been taking a class or two of photography every semester during his spare time. I had thought he was doing it just for me. I, on the other hand, took photography as a possible career. Eventually, my skill level caught up to his, but I still told him his work was far better than mine. It was his dream to be a great photographer, and you don’t destroy your love one’s dream. It’s just not right.

“I used Fuji Acros this time like you suggested. Did you use Acros also?” I asked.

He lifted his photo from the fixer and did the final rinse in the stop bath. It was a male nude. Artistically done.

“I used Ilford this time. Pan F Plus. It’s a studio shot, so I had enough lighting.”

“Very nice tone. The smooth gradient really shows his muscles. You always know what you’re doing.” I tried to be cheerful, because that’s what I always do. He would know something was wrong if I didn’t. It was a marvelous photo, really. The best one I had seen from him. I should have been happy for him, but I was tired.

My voice must have betrayed me, because he looked at me weird. I lowered my head, so I didn’t have to look at him.

“I’m going outside to dry the photo.” He swiftly moved by me. “Going out.” He did the courtesy call and lifted the curtain which separated the darkroom from the outside. Bits of light leaked in as he walked out of the threshold and blinded me. I had been in the dark for far too long.

I breathed deeply, moved my photo to the fixer and tried to calm down. I remembered who the model in his picture was. It was Kevin, his best friend, or so he told me. It was not the first time he modeled for him. I tried to convince myself that it was just a photo project.

My mind tumbled. After I finished rinsing my photo in the final stop bath, I just had to find out what’s going on. “I am going out.” I made the courtesy call, even though no one else remained in the room.

“So how’s your photo coming along?” I said, level-headed and composed. I tried to make an effort to make eye contact with him, although I find it difficult, I overcame it.

Jason looked at me, concerned. “I’m sorry.”

We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. I didn’t know what to think anymore; it was clear there was no other way to think.

“I am sorry. I tried to tell you before. Kevin wanted me to tell you also. You know... Kevin.”

“Yes.” My hands trembled. “I know who he is. I just didn’t know what he is to you.” I looked at his photo. It was hard to ignore Kevin’s endowment, and what my boyfriend was doing with him. “Kevin really is something, isn’t he? The total package.” I was determined to keep myself from boiling over.

“Yeah.” Jason grinned sheepishly as we both stared at the same part of Kevin’s anatomy. “That’s what I was going to talk to you about! I totally forgot I would be printing it on an 8x10", so I didn’t give enough leeway to make a crop in the final composition. Do you think I should keep more of his face or more of his..?”

“Balls. You should keep his balls. We don’t want to castrate Kevin, do we? That’ll be a real shame.”

“But don’t you think they’re too distracting? They really are quite... big.” He smiled.

“Then keep the face and cut off the balls. But is that what you really want?”

He blushed and laughed.

I couldn’t believe he was talking as if he was off the hook.

“How long have you two been together?”

No reply, so I added, “A year?”

He hung his head, like a kid reprimanded by his parent.

“Two years?”

Still no reply.

“Before we dated?”

His head sank, like a bobber on a fishing line.

I lost it. “I thought I could take it, but I guess I overestimated myself. Why are you doing this to me? Why couldn’t you think it through before you hurt me so deeply?”

It’s funny all your life you thought you were strong. You had been through worse, made some questionable decisions, and then paid for it. Nothing..., nothing hurt more than when you thought you were loved but it turned out to be a dream unrealized; a leak of light that ruined a photo.

Two lines of tears felled my strength. Conflicted, I wish I could vanish, but I wasn't weak. He had no right to control my feelings, but I had allowed him to.

“I love him,” he said. “I have always loved him. I just wasn’t very sure of my feelings. I was scared. You have to believe me when I say I didn’t want to do this to you. I am sorry. It wasn’t right what I did, but it’s what I feel.”

“Should I congratulate you, you finally figured out your true love?”

“I wanted to tell you earlier, but I just couldn’t bear to hurt you. Can’t we at least try to be friends?”

It was just too funny on several levels. I chuckled sarcastically.

“Good.” He smiled, “No, I mean, of course it’s not good, and I’m sorry it has to end like this. I’m grateful we have come to terms with each other. Well... yeah, I’m sorry.... Well, it doesn’t have to be negative and all that, right? You said you have a photo to show me. Let me take a look of it. I bet it’s great.” He gazed at the photo in my tray, still wet, facing down. “Please. We can’t stay mad with each other. You’re my best friend.”

“Sure. What else could I lose now?” I flipped over the wet photo.

“Oh.” Was the last word he spoke to me.

It was my self-portrait in a white wedding gown.