The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 7 - 25. Chapter 25

Sunday

- I wonder if Trace would be a top or a bottom...

Hehehe, I know that's a really creepy way to start this entry. But it was something that crossed my mind just now while I was looking for the right page. My crazy brain does that from time to time.

He seems like he would be more of a to to me. Like he would want to be the one in 'control', so to speak. Which sucks, because he has SUCH a cute ass! What a waste that would be.

I don't know where I am in that sense. I mean, I think I'd much rather be a top too. But...that day with Sam...

I mean, the idea made me really hot. And just for him. I guess it depends on who you're with, you know?

Anyway, as far as me fantasizing about Trace, I'd rather imagine him being on the receiving end. That would be sooooo sexy. I can always keep my fingers crossed, right?

Or...maybe I should keep them crossed to find out if he's even gay first. That might be a better strategy for manipulating the whole 'wish on a star' idea.

I wonder what Simon's doing today. I didn't dare to call him for fear that I'd get him all riled up again and send him racing back into panic mode. For all I know, he might feel like he lost a lot of time by hanging out with us last night, and is frantically working extra EXTRA hard to catch up right now. But...deep down, I'd like to think that he's doing the exact opposite. I hope he's unwinding, laying back on his bed with his eyes half closed, eating strawberries or something while listening to Bob Marley and wiggling his toes through his sock feet. Hehehe! That boy needed a break from the madness, and now that he got one, I hope it sticks with him for a little while.

I tried to imagine Simon just letting go and relaxing in front of the window....but then I started thinking about him masturbating and had to turn my brain off before I got carried away.

What? Simon's still really cute, ya know! Just...unavailable.

I tried to get in touch with Randall again tonight, but he still hasn't answered me yet. It's not like him, to be honest. Not that I think I'm the most important thing in his life or anything, but usually when I write to say hello or something...he gets in contact with me right away. It made me stop and wonder if he was mad at me too. Like...if Randall and Lee are just sitting on his couch, talking shit about me right now. He's been so weird lately. I still want him though. Just once. One time, and I'd be happy.

What can I say? After getting a little taste of him that one afternoon, I'm curious as to what a full helping would be like.

Ugh! Why am I being such a horny perv today? I mean, I'm always horny for some action, but...today it's worse than usual. Honestly, if I thought I could find a private place to go, I would have called Robin up and ask if he wanted to hook up today. And I'm sure he would have been there in a heartbeat too. That boy LOVES sex! Hehehe, but I chickened out. I don't even know Robin well enough to know what to talk to him about if I actually got him on the phone. I mean, AJ always set things up for us. Robin and I barely talk at all. How do I just dial his number and ask him to meet me for some hot naked man sex? Damned if I know. I'll bet AJ just comes right out and asks for it whenever he wants it. But with my luck, his mom would answer the phone and I'd end up wrecking our whole situation.

Anyway, I'm kinda glad that I didn't end up with Robin today...

Something far better happened to me than sharing some sweat with a boy that I hardly know. I think...I think Sam and I may have come to a brand new understanding this afternoon. And this time, we did it the right way.

I heard Sam mowing the lawn this morning. I can always tell when it's his lawnmower, because it sputters every 30 seconds or so. It was a sunny day, and I was sure that he'd be wearing that really thin, wife beater, t-shirt of his. That is, if he was wearing a shirt at all. Sam was always one of those boys who had no problem being shirtless in public. I'm always too self conscious for that.

Anyway, I got this really jittery feeling inside for some reason. I couldn't figure out why. But I heard him outside, and I just felt...I felt...UGH! They don't make words for this kind of thing. But I went outside and pretended to...I dunno...check the mail or something. Which was stupid, because it's Sunday. But whatever. I just...I wanted to 'see' him, you know?

Sure enough, no shirt. Figures.

I stared over at him for a moment or two. I don't think he noticed me at first. My knees started trembling and a nervous tremor went through my stomach. It's a weird feeling, loving somebody, caring about somebody, and being insatiably attracted to somebody, all at the same time. You have no idea how hard I work to separate the three. Even harder now that we've...you know. And not just ONCE either. But quite a few times.

Ugh! I'm getting distracted again...

So anyway, I guess he catches sight of me out of the corner of his eye, and I give him little wave. He waves back, but that's pretty much it. It was the same sterile connection that we've been having lately. Nothing new. No ground to gain. No improvements or progression towards what we used to be. And as I walked back into the house from my pretend mail check, I started to feel guilty about not trying to do more.

I could have just...let it go. But I always let it go. And there will always be a reason for me to be too scared to talk to Sam again. So, even to my surprise, I found myself putting my shoes back on about twenty minutes later, and making the decision to just go over and ring the bell. I mean, today was just as good a day as ever, right? And the longer I wait, the harder it's going to be.

Sam had already put the mower back in the garage and was inside again but I didn't let that stop me. I walked up to his front door and rang the bell. Sure, I was scared. But I stood my ground. Even if he spit in my face, at least I could say I gave it a shot, you know?

So Sam opens the door, shirt still off, a little smudge of dirt on his forehead, smelling like boy sweat and fresh grass shavings (which is a really intoxicating combination, by the way)...and he's like, "Billy? Wow...hey..."

I stumbled for a moment or two, looking for the right words. But I eventually told him, "Hey...listen, do you think we could, like...'talk' or something?"

Sam gave me a weird look, and he stepped outside of his door to shut it half way so his mom wouldn't hear. He says, "Yeah. What's up?"

But that...ummm....that wasn't enough for me. Worried about whether his mom was eavesdropping or not from behind the door? That's not how I wanted this to go. So I said, "Actually...well...I was thinking that maybe we could go somewhere else and talk. Like...alone."

Sam hesitated for a second. Then he said, "Well, you know, I really need a shower right now." He really didn't though. He was gorgeous. Then he's like, "Listen, why don't we just meet up at the Hill? About a half hour? Maybe 45 minutes?"

I have to admit, I was already smiling from the idea of him being so willing to talk to me again. And on the Hill, no less! Which was kind of our 'spot', you know? That made it all the more special.

I'm like, "Ok. I'll...I'll meet you up there."

He says, "Cool. Ok. I won't be long. I just want to get out of my grubby clothes and stuff." I told him that I'd be waiting, and as soon as he closed the door, I headed out to our private little park to wait for him to show up.

What do I say to him when he gets here? That was the number one question on my mind. I had NO idea, whatsoever. But...it's weird. I kinda liked that. I didn't want to have some pre-rehearsed speech ready for Sam when he showed up. Those never work out the way I think they're going to work out anyway. So, I waited. And true to his word, I saw Sam riding up on his bike not more than twenty minutes later. He jumped off of it and let it fall to the ground as he walked up the hill to sit under the tree next to me. His hair was still damp from his shower. His body was ripe with the sweet fragrance of soap, shampoo, and some kind of spicy bath gel that seemed to really fit him somehow.

He sat down next to me, leaning against the tree and crossing his legs beneath him, the same way that I did. He's like, "Sooooo...how have you been?" It was a pretty vague question. And I didn't want to spend the first ten minutes of us talking again trying to pretend that everything was ok. I just...didn't.

I was like, "Sam...I think we should talk about what happened."

He said, "Don't. I mean...I know I freaked out and it made things weird but...forget about it. It's over and done with."

But I'm like, "I don't want to forget about it. I wanted to say...I'm sorry. What I did was selfish and stupid and I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I just...I got carried away."

Sam was quiet for a moment, no doubt thinking back the afternoon when I pushed things way too far and too fast for him to be cool with. Then he said, "I never should have led you on in the first place. I mean, I knew that I wasn't...you know...'like that'. But for some reason, with you...it didn't matter." I was actually really surprised to hear him say that. Sam blushed, and he refused to look me in the eye as he seemed just as confused about his feelings as I was. He was like, "Look, maybe we both had a hand in screwing up that whole deal. But, if you want to know truth, Billy, I missed you."

I'm like, "Did you?"

Sam finally looked at me, and said, "Of course I did. You're my best friend. What kind of joy could I possibly appreciate in my life if I don't get to come over and tell you about it? Not being able to talk to you kinda takes the fun out of everything."

I said, "Heh...I know what you mean."

We smiled at one another for a moment. And Sam was like, "So...are you gonna tell me what made you go all crazy on me? This is the first glimpse I've seen of the real you in weeks."

I had a bit of a bitter reaction to the question. I told him, "It's stupid. I doubt you'd understand."

He said, "Try me."

Sam had a way of breaking me down. He knew me and my secrets so well at this point that making a full confession felt almost unnecessary. I was looking out at the park, and I was like, "I was just...angry. God, I was SO angry."

He was like, "Why?"

And I'm like, "I was sick of everybody else getting what they wanted when I wasn't. I wanted what they had. Everybody wants to look down on me. Everybody wants to be a judge, but they're all too chicken to step up and be a contestant. It's easy to boo the guy on stage. Well, where's their contribution? I don't want people to live through me. I don't want my mistakes and my desires and my day to day thoughts to be judged based on how somebody else views the world. I just wanna be me, you know? Maybe I have flaws here and there, but they're MY flaws. And if there's anything good about me at the end of the day, any positive traits whatsoever...it's because I earned them. And I earned them by making my own choices."

Sam said, "Yeah. I guess. But it still didn't give you a reason to get as wild as you did. I mean, you were a completely different person for a while there. I was worried I'd never see my bud again."

I told him, "I think I just got tired of trying to be the good guy, and having people use me and spit in my face and then just walk away. I got tired of being a martyr. Because it doesn't work. People are gonna hate me no matter what I do."

Sam was like, "But who cares what they think?"

And I told him the truth. I said, "I do." I was almost embarrassed for saying it, but I was just being honest. I'm like, "I wish I could be one of those people who walks around saying that they don't care what other people think about them, but I'm not. I get lonely. I get hurt. I get scared. I tried to block all of that out and be one of 'them', but you wanna know the truth? It made me feel like shit inside. And that made me realize something weird."

Sam asked, "What's that?"

And I said, "I think I like getting lonely. And hurt. And scared. I like being able to feel something. And I know that sometimes it sucks, but I'd much rather have a wealth of problems than to just go running around like some kind of mindless slut who's trying to find some kind of substitute for human emotion. I'm not selfish. I'm not mean. I don't like thinking about me and only me. It's lonely." I smiled at Sam, and I was like, "It's just like you said. What good is being happy if you're not 'sharing' it with somebody?"

Sam grinned. "Well, whaddya know? You can learn something after all." Then he's like, "But...on the down low, if I tell you something, do you promise not to get weird or flip out on me?"

Intrigued, I was like, "Yeah. What is it?"

Sam looked around in all directions, then he leaned in and was like, "You're still the BEST damn blowjob that I've ever had!" He laughed when he saw my mouth drop open. He was like, "It's TRUE! I mean, I haven't had that many, but nothing else has come close."

I must have turned ten shades of red at that moment. My whole body felt electrified when I heard that. I said, "Good. It's good to know that I'm an expert at something." Then I added, "I'm flattered that you enjoyed it...since I had so little to work with."

Now it Sam's turn to give me a playful look of shock. He was like, "Burn!" Then he punched me in the shoulder. Kinda hard, actually. He was like, "Asshole. Hehehe!"

I told him, "Not so hard! I'm not one of your macho straight friends, ya know?"

But Sam just put an arm over my shoulder and gave me a hug. He's like, "Ya big sissy." I remember him holding me like that for a bit. I thought for a second that he might be uncomfortable being that close to me for such an extended moment. But when I asked him if he wanted to head back home, he said, "Nah. Let's just stay here for a while. Maybe until the sun sets and it gets dark."

That was fine by me.

We didn't talk much. We just sorta shared a long silence. There are so few people in the world that I can do that with. Sam is at the top of that list.

And yes, he still smelled good, and felt good, and he's still one of the cutest boys in the neighborhood. But it was that hug, that simple one armed hug, with my head on his shoulder and watching the sky turn colors with the setting sun...that really made an impact on me. I suppose there are things out there that are better than sex.

Not MANY...but some. Hehehe!

I'm still really horny, by the way. I haven't forgotten that part.

I swear that I'm two different people inside. Something tells me if I ever come back and read these entries again someday, I'm going to find more contradictions than I can count. But hey, I'm human. I'm allowed to change my mind. On a daily basis if I feel like it. So nah-nah!

Anyway, I've gotta go. I wish I didn't have school tomorrow, but the semester is almost over and I don't need any trouble for the next few weeks. Might as well hold out until the very end, right?

I'll write more later.

And God? If you're listening? Thanks for giving me my best friend back. I needed that.

- Billy