That Feeling - 17. It's Complicated

It’s not like I am mad at anyone really. I am just not happy at how things have gone. I feel, I don’t know, betrayed. By Carson mostly, because who does she think she is, talking to Knox, about me, behind my back? And who does Knox think he is talking about Jake like that? I want to punch Knox, but I know that won’t solve anything. Jake has been honest with me, right? He’s not playing some huge elaborate game to get in my pants, is he? No, he likes me and has been honest with me, maybe the first person ever, and that's that. I can’t doubt that, not now, not ever, because doubting means I have to doubt everything I’ve come to believe the past few months and I just can't bring myself to feel that way. And despite the shitty feelings I have toward Knox, even thinking about him reminds me of when those feelings weren’t so shitty, when i wanted to hug him and kiss him and just be with him.

I eat lunch in the library the next day. It's quiet and I really don't want to talk to Carson about it. I don't want her face and her voice to scream "I care!" in that way that I both love and hate. I slip Jake a note before school telling him that’s where I’ll be, mainly because I need to talk to him and I didn’t want to call him last night, because I just wanted to be alone in my room listening to Patsy Cline and thinking about what I may do next. I read Pablo Neruda and wished I had someone to read it to. When I slipped him the note, he smiled goofily and I had a small premonition of how it could be if we were together, lying in my bed on a Saturday morning, naked, drinking Chai tea and telling lame jokes off Laffy Taffy wrappers. But I can’t think like that or it'll be too hard. He’s off limits. When he gets to the library, he is wearing the same goofy smile, and I can’t help but smile back.

“Fancy meeting you here, Mr. Abernathy.”

“Haha. Funny.” I remember Friday night, when he said the same thing, his hair flipping in the breeze.

“So, why are you avoiding the cafeteria? Does this have to do with what happened with Carson yesterday?”

“How do you know about that?”

“I don’t. Not really. But Carson texted me last night. Said you two had talked about something,” his face is scrunching up and he’s waving his hands around vaguely, and he looks cuter than I’ve ever seen him, “and if you said anything to me that I should come to her about it.”

I roll my eyes. Figures Carson would want to get on top of damage control. Jake Holley being upset with someone could be a death sentence if the right people knew. “She knows.”

“Knows what?”

“About you.”

His face drops. “I thought you said you-“

“I didn’t.”

“Then who?”

“Knox. And Carson thinks you’re a sex-maniac.” I pop a pretzel into my mouth, mainly to distract myself.

“Shit.” He says it low under his breath, like it’s barely escaping.

“How does Knox know?”

“Look, Caleb, I –uh- I might have given him, the uh, the idea. Shit. Shit. Shit.”

“The idea about what?” I think I understand, but I want him to say it. I’m not even upset. I really don’t have anything to be upset about. It's not like I don't know Jake is a slut.

“The idea that I wanted to hook up with him! Okay! I tried to hook up with Knox! It was a while ago, a month or so after he got here. We were chillin’ at his place and, I don’t know, I touched him or something. It seemed like…he seemed - I don’t know, it seemed like we’d been flirtin’ or something that whole afternoon. He was cool about it though. We didn’t do anything. And we didn’t talk about it again, until everything went down. He was acting weird after that whole thing at the party, kept saying things about you and me. Like how I should go after you and stuff. So I made him promise he wouldn’t say anything to anyone about me, right. He just kind of rolled his eyes and said yeah. I don’t know, I didn’t think he’d say anything. That’s…that’s the first time a guy hasn’t, you know, been into it.”

I take a deep breath. This isn't my problem, not really, but I want to be here, with Jake, helping him. “Well he did tell someone; at least Carson says that’s who told her. Maybe it’s time…maybe it’s time you just come clean.”

“Are you insane? You want me to tell the entire freaking school I like to suck dick?”

“That you’re, you know, bisexual or whatever. You still like girls, so it’s different.”

“It don’t matter! All people will hear is that Jake Holley likes dudes. Not just drunk stuff, but full-on gay stuff. No one will care I still like girls. No one. Especially girls”

“It can’t be that bad, Jake. A lot of people probably already know.”

“The fuck they do! Rumors, maybe, but not because I said anything! Besides, you sure are one to talk, Caleb! I don’t see you shouting anything over the fucking loud speakers!” He was getting loud and people are starting to look over to our corner.

“Jake, shhh! People will hear.” I whisper as loudly as possible.

He looks angry, or on the verge of tears. “I won’t Caleb. And you can’t tell me I should do something when you don’t even have the guts to do it.”

We sit there quietly for a while, not looking at each other. Jake’s right. I have no right to tell him to come out when I haven’t either. Sure, a few people know, but I’m not ready to tell the whole school. Because even if it’s not 1950, people still aren’t 100% welcoming, maybe they'll never be. I won’t get beaten or anything, but I’ve seen how people treat Clark. They may not be rude to his face all the time, but they show it in other ways, more subtle ways. Like during Student Council how Vince Schiff snickers when Clark gives his reports. Or how Ashley Soto sometimes gives Clark backhanded compliments in history. I want people to look at me and like me, not automatically think something of me just because they heard I was gay. I don't want to be Gay Caleb; I don't want to be a thing, I want to be a person.

Jake’s voice brings me out of my thoughts, it's low and cracking, like he isn't quite sure what might come out, “Look, I’m sorry, okay. I’ll talk to Carson or whatever and let her know I’m not some sex-crazed predator. I’ll, I don’t know, tell Sara. Maybe we can join Sex Addicts Anonymous or something.”

“I’ll talk to Knox.”

He frowns. “Caleb, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. It doesn’t matter or anything.”

“No, I need to talk to him anyways. I haven’t actually talked to him, like really, since I had that panic attack in the bathroom. I don’t know, I think I need this.”

The bell rings a few seconds later. We get up and I can tell Jake is worried about me. And that rubs me the wrong way, because I can take care of myself. I don't need Jake or Carson or Cassie or anyone worrying about me. I can do this without their fucking hovering. “See ya, Caleb. I’ll talk to you later?”

He smiles and his smile makes me want to kiss him, even if I'm still a bit upset. “Yeah, later.”

I’m nervous the rest of the day thinking about a conversation I may or may not have with Knox. I haven’t really talked to him in at least a month. I’ve seen him a few times, done the small talk thing, mostly with me wanting to rip his eyes out, but nothing like I’m anticipating. After fifth period I see him in the halls as the bell for sixth is about to ring. Seeing him brings back some of the familiar feelings from before. I can’t deny to myself he’s beautiful, the way he bounces into the bathroom, his hair shining in the hallway’s fluorescent light. He’s wearing a heather green hoodie that compliments his blond hair. I follow him into the bathroom. I watch as he pees at the urinal, and I suddenly feel creepy, like I’m a stalker or something. My heart beats faster. He turns around but doesn’t see me at first, but then looks up and jumps. We’re all alone in the bathroom, the sound of water running in the toilets the only sound.

“Jesus, Caleb, you scared the shit outta me.” He says it as if we’re old friends, like it hadn’t been a month since we’d talked and he doesn't know I hate him. Only, I'm not sure that I do.

“We need to talk.”

He’s at the sinks washing his hands and the bell rings. He points towards the ceiling, water from his hand staining the hoodie. “We’re late for class.”

I shrug my shoulders as he continues to wash. “I need to know what happened between you and Jake.”

He makes a surprised face, as if he’d just heard his father was actually a woman, but only for a second. “Uh, what are you talking about?”

“I know something happened between you and Jake. Or didn’t happen, but I need to know.”

“Exactly, nothing happened. We used to be cool, before you ruined it all.”

My heart skips a beat. Before I ruined it all? “Me?”

“Yeah, you. With your drama queen melodrama. Everyone drops everything for Caleb, because he’s had it so fucking hard. He’s gay! Stop the entire world!”

“Fuck you! You kissed by girlfriend!”

He rolls his eyes as he dries his hands off with the rough brown paper towels. I watch his hands. They're red and I want to touch them. God, why does he do this to me? “Get over that already. You’re gay. That ‘relationship’ was going nowhere fast.”

I hate it, but he is right. He is right, my relationship with Avery had to end sometime, even if she technically cheated on me, it's still my fault, because it was all a lie in the first place. “Are ya’ll still together?”

“None of your fucking business.”

“Fine. Tell me about Jake.” I’m feeling braver than I thought I would, even if my heart is beating faster than I like.

“Why? Interested in him too?”

My stomach falls a little. “Carson thinks he’s some sex-maniac that wants in my pants. She says you told her that.”

He looks up sharply. “I never said that.”

“So you did say something.”

He chuckles. “Yeah, I did. Jake and I were friends. He was at my house. We were having a good time and then he tried to put the moves on me. I’m not homophobic or anything Caleb, as much as you think otherwise. I told him to back off and he did. End of story. We were still friends and we just didn’t mention it again. Carson was the one who asked me about it. She brought up Jake and asked me about it. I told her. I didn’t think it was some big secret. I don’t think Jake’s a bad guy. In fact, I think he’s a great guy. I just wish everything wasn’t ruined between us.”

And then I felt sorry for him. The feeling came out of nowhere and hit me. I felt sorry for Knox. After all the shit I felt sorry for him, because he had said it, didn't he, in a bathroom like this, 'I just wanted to be your friend.'

"Look, Knox, maybe things got out of hand. We all handled things badly."

He looks at me suspiciously, like I might pull out a gun any second and shoot him. "Yeah. I guess so. I, uh, I shouldn't have done that with Avery."

I nod my head slowly, this feels good, it feels normal. "Yeah."

He's standing near the door, like at any second he may duck out. "So, uh, are you and Jake, like, you know, a thing?" It comes out nervously, like he's unsure of what he's saying. And this is new for us, just talking without barriers being thrown up in front of us. I don't know if we could ever be friends. But maybe we can be something.

"Uh, no, I mean, not really, no. He's seeing someone, I think."

Knox shakes his head sagely. "You should be." And then he slips out, leaving those words swirling around me, engulfing me, because I want to think he's right. But I won't, not now.

Jake texts me Friday night, asking if we're still on for Saturday. And I say yes, but ever since yesterday, I can't get what Knox said out of my head. ‘You should be.’ Jake and I should be together, we both want it, at least I think we do. But what if it doesn't work out, what if we break up and never talk to each other again? I don't know if I'm ready for that. So by Saturday morning, I'm a nervous wreck. I've cleaned my room at least three times, even changing my sheets to make sure they smell clean and not like a rat hole. During my shower, I'm careful to clean every inch, just in case. The thought that something may happen between us won't go away. And I want something to happen, even if that thought scares me. My mom and dad are in Atlanta with Adam, looking for rehab centers. Cassie is around, but she won't bother us. She’ll probably slip condoms under the door if she hears anything exciting happening. Just the thought of that possibility drives me insane, even if I know doing anything with Jake would be a mistake. A complete mistake I wouldn’t be ready to deal with. Just like I’m not able to deal with anything else, really, because somehow inside I know I am broken. I know that any move I make, even if it seems right at the time, will end in disaster at some point down the road.

The closer it gets to him coming, the more nervous I get. The thoughts just keep cycling through my head and I get an erection. I wish I wasn’t a sixteen year horndog and could control myself. I wish it wasn’t so hard to see through the sexual fog to the end of the tunnel, to know that what I’m feeling now: the knot deep in my stomach, the pressure in my underwear, the shaking in my hands: is just that. Just feelings, not real, not living things, but feelings that my head, in all its stupidity, has told my body to expect.

At a quarter after twelve, the doorbell rings, and I know it’s going to be Jake. I straighten myself up, tuck away my mostly deflated hard-on and put on a smile. At the bottom of the steps, my heart starts beating faster, and I tell myself that’s stupid. It’s just Jake. He’s been over a hundred times before. It’s nothing to be nervous about. The midday sun is streaming in through the front windows. I put my hand on the door and the handle is cool and I turn it. I inhale deeply. Here goes nothing.

But the face is wrong, twisted into a mischievous grin, slightly unshaven and full, not like Jake’s slender smoothness. The grin is off-putting. Any nervousness I was feeling subsides, filling with annoyance instead. This isn’t how it was supposed to happen. This wasn’t the plan.

“Are we gonna stand here all day, or are you gonna let me in?”

“What are you doing here, Ethan?” It probably comes out more harsh than I want it, because he makes a face and pushes his way through. I turn, watching him make his way into my house. I feel like I hate him, but I don’t. I’m just - annoyed. Who does he think he is, bursting into my house? Like he owns the place. I look back out the door, but don’t see Jake anywhere in sight. In the kitchen, Ethan is eating an apple at the breakfast bar, looking at the ceiling as if it is the most interesting thing in the universe.

“Your parents out?”

“Uh, yeah.”

He shakes his head, his mouth moving like a horses as he chews.

“Whatcha up to?” He looks me over and winks. I want to blush and I want to like it, but I am too annoyed. I don’t know if I can hold it back.

“I’m supposed to have a friend over.”

He shakes his head and looks at the apple. “Guess I’m not that friend.”

“Well, no. I mean, you didn’t call or anything.”

“Yeah, I like to keep the boys on their toes.”

“I haven’t heard from you in like two weeks.”

“Sorry, I’ve been busy.”

And now I’m passed annoyed, I’m pissed. Because he’s acting so...flip about everything. Like it’s not possibly the biggest day in my life. Like Jake isn’t going to be here any minute. “Yeah, okay. So let’s just bust into my house.”

“I was bored.”

“So I’m just someone for rainy days?”

He gives me a look, like I’m being stupid, like I’m a child. “Don’t be stupid. You’re my friend.” I sit at the table and put my head in my hands. “So...what friend is coming over?”

“Jake.”

“Brojob Jake?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh no. Unhuh. Not good.”

“What?”

“Who thought that was a good idea?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You can’t have him over here!” He says him like it’s a disease and I frown. Because maybe it wasn’t a good idea. Maybe all these thoughts weren’t a good idea.

“Why not?”

“It’s too confusing, Caleb! For you, for him, for -- everyone!” I thought he was gonna say “for me” and I wonder if he really is interested. If his aloof and patronizing act for the past month or so has just been an act to protect himself.

“I’m not confused! We’re friends. It’s just two friends hanging out.”

“Seriously? You really believe that?”

“Yes! Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because I know guys like Jake. ‘Just friends’ is never enough.” I cringe inside because maybe he’s right. His eyes seem serious, more serious than I’ve ever seen them. “Caleb, look, I--” but the doorbell rings again and I jump up to answer it. This is it. It’s Jake and he’s going to walk in here and find me and Ethan and everything is going to be ruined. Forever.

I pull the door open quickly and am greeted with Jake’s smile and mussed up hair and my heart skips.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” I reply, breathlessly and move out of the door as he comes in.

“Whose car is that?” But before I say or do anything, Ethan is around the corner, hands in his pocket, looking at us, not smiling. Jake sees him, but isn’t looking at me, but I here his breathing change. “Oh. Am I, am I interrupting something?” He sounds so...dejected.

“No! This is Ethan, he just dropped something off. He’s leaving.”

Ethan looks up, but isn’t quite smiling. More like smirking. “I’m not quite ready to leave. You don’t mind me hanging around, do ya Caleb?”

Of fucking course I do! This was supposed to be me and Jake! Kissing! I don’t know, having sex maybe! “Oh, um, I guess not.”

Jake finally looks at me, his face telling me everything I need to know.

The past hour has been as close to Hell as one can get without burning. We’ve been sitting awkwardly in the upstairs entertainment area watching Star Trek, the surround sound thankfully muting any awkward conversation that may have taken place. I want to sink into the couch, away from Jake and Ethan and that look Cassie gave me when she saw who I was with. Jake is sitting on my left with his arms crossed, like he’s just here. Ethan is expressionless and I want to push him out the window. This day has been a disaster. I just want it to end.

While I’m staring at Spock’s jaw line, Jake gets up suddenly and heads toward the stairs. I look over at Ethan and he looks as if nothing has happened. I get up and follow him. He’s almost out of the door, still wrapping himself in his coat.

“Hey, Jake!”

He looks over but doesn’t say anything. “Jake! What are you doing?”

“I’m going home, Caleb. Or somewhere. Not here.”

“Look, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

He’s almost out the door, but I lunge forward and grab his arm. “Please don’t go.”

“And what, stay and play third fiddle?”

“No! It’s...I want you here. Not him. He just showed up. I want you here, with me.”

His face softens. “I want that too”

I smile, as much as I can. “You probably think I’m pathetic.”

“No.” And he kisses me, not much, just a light kiss on the lips right in my doorway, with the door open. For anyone to see. My heart feels like it might explode. My whole body feels engorged and I want to smile bigger than I’ve ever smiled. But I don’t. I pull away and give a shy grin. He shuts the door.

“Let’s go back upstairs. Just ignore Ethan. He’ll leave.”

And he does. After the movie, he leaves. His face tells me everything. He looks like he’s lost, but I didn’t know it was a game. At the door, he half-smiles, like someone just told him a joke he doesn’t think is all that funny. “I hope you know what you’re doing. Don’t come crying to me tomorrow, okay? I won’t be there. Not anymore.” And then he’s gone, and in his place are Jake’s arms snaking around from behind.