That Feeling - 18. Autumn Winds

As much as I had wanted it to, nothing happened with Jake after Ethan left. Oh, we kissed a little, but nothing scandalous. We went to my room and lay on my bed, talking, for the next hour and a half. And that was okay, maybe even better than some lurid sexual escapade. I liked talking to Jake, and not pretend-talking about video games and football practice and all that shit. I told him about Adam and rehab and the baby and he told me about his mom and her depression and how she can barely get out of bed. He told me how his dad gets mad and leaves sometimes for days at a time. I told him about everything I’m afraid of and how just breathing sometimes feels like too much and he hugged me when I cried a little. He played with my hair, and told me he’d always thought I was cute. I giggled because I didn’t believe him, even though I liked hearing it. He rested his hand on my stomach as I told him about books I’ve read and how sometimes I just close my eyes and imagine myself as Elizabeth Bennett or Nick Carraway or even Harry Potter and he laughed at me and I smiled, because everything was warm and fuzzy and right. When he left, he hugged me tight and whispered into my ear: “We could do it.”

And maybe we could. Maybe I could forget everything, just take it off like a winter coat or a second skin and grab his hand and walk away and be okay. Maybe we could smile at each other with our eyes and meet in the bathroom at lunch and kiss, then leave to get frozen yogurt after school. Maybe we could go on dates and see movies and go downtown to the arts festival and sing along to Mumford and Sons on dusky summer evenings as we ride down country roads going nowhere. Maybe we could be together. But I just don’t know how. We never talked about him yesterday. How he is afraid to let people know anything or if he’d talked to Carson or how any of it could, would, should work. But maybe it is time for me. Maybe it is time for more people than my family and friends to know. Maybe it is time to just be, instead of calculating the percentages and weighing the risks and vomiting night after night because of some look from someone I barely know. I’m happy now, but this is just an interlude. The main act is still waiting somewhere to grab me.

It’s Sunday and I’m going to church. My parents arrived late last night with Adam, although he only has a few days before he’ll go back up to Atlanta for the rehab they chose. I am happy for him. Maybe once he’s better, he can start to build a life for himself and his baby. Maybe life will be different for all of us. I drive to church alone, because I don’t know if I could do lunch with my family. My mom pouts, but gives up quickly. It’s good, knowing they know, but I don’t want the questions, because they’re always there, even if they don’t ask them. I’d rather go home and stew for a few hours, maybe call Jake and talk about how it won’t work; how we can’t do it. Have him convince me we can, say everything will be okay. But the more I think about it, he won’t. Not with things the way they are now.

At church, I walk in to a mostly empty sanctuary. Most of the people haven’t made it from the morning bible study yet; besides I like the vastness of it empty, the echoing of a rattling heater and the chatter of two elderly women talking on the other side and the huge, stark ceilings with their dangling golden chandeliers that reflect the candles flickering along the windowsills. It makes me feel small yet significant. I sit down and fiddle with the papers on the back of the pew in front of me. Flipping through the program, someone sits down beside me. I look over to see Kaitlyn, smiling as she smoothes out her navy dress, her curled hair falling in ringlets around her shoulders.

“Hey,” she says, her voice soft, almost a whisper.

“Hey,” I say back, equally reserved. I haven’t talked to her in a while, since before that night with Clark. I know she has to know something, the way her eyes flicker around the room. I’d not told her I was gay, but Clark could have said anything. She knew Clark and I had been hanging out recently, but that’s it, I think. I’m suddenly nervous and I’m not totally sure why. “I –“

She must see my nervousness because she puts her hand on my knee and smiles warmly as she stares into my eyes, “It’s okay, Caleb.”

“What did Clark tell you?”

“Enough.”

I inhale deeply. Is he mad at me? Well, I’m sure he is, but very mad? And how much is enough? “Clark and I – we…I mean…we were just friends.”

“I know. But he’s still upset with you.”

“I can’t…It’s just – I like him, but, but I can’t be like him.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t be so…happy.” That’s not totally what I mean and I think she knows. What I really mean is I can’t be quite so gay. Which is itself a kind of a lie. Because that’s what I am. Gay. But I have this vision in my head of gay, of what it is and how it works and I’m not really that. But that makes me feel ashamed and I think that’s why Clark is really upset. He knows why I left that night, why I have trouble with it all and he can’t make me see.

She makes a face, not a happy one and I’m concerned. “Clark isn’t happy, Caleb. If you think that you must not know him very well.”

“But..he always seems so….good.”

“He’s a good actor. It gets to him, even if he pretends like it doesn’t. Not always, not every time, but it gets to him.”

“What?”

“The things people say. Especially his family. His dad and older brother aren’t very supportive, but I’m sure he’s told you.” I can remember things he’d said, hints of things that should have let me know that. “He was happy to have you as a friend. He doesn’t have very many. And not only because he’s gay, you have to understand that.”

“I-I was happy to be his friend. It’s just, the club and how he, I don’t know, acted…it’s not me. Or - It’s not who I want to be, I don’t think.”

“I know. He knows that too. Or he’s figured that out. You should talk to him.” She’s quiet as more people come into the sanctuary. Music starts, an upbeat melody from the piano. I watch as the organist takes her seat. She prepares, her fingers arched as she pumps her foot and strokes a few keys, the noise billowing out of the mighty pipes all around us. She puts her arm around my shoulder and leans in, “Try. He likes to have people beg.” I smile as she settles in.

After church, my mom tries to get me to go with them, but I don’t. Adam is there and he looks at me weirdly, like he’s reading something on my forehead I can’t see. I slip away when a church lady comes to talk to mom, making my way to the parking lot. As I’m leaving, Chuck, the youth minister, catches me and asks why I don’t come to anything anymore. I want to say because I feel lost. I feel lost and silly games and “spiritual” lessons and fake girls won’t help. But I don’t, I make an excuse about school and say I hope to get back into it soon. But I don’t. I just don’t.

By the time I make it home, I just want to go in and fall in my bed and think. I decide to call Jake and tell him how I loved yesterday and let’s keep it at that. Let’s be friends, better friends, best friends. But maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s enough. When I pull up to my house, I see Carson sitting on my front porch. She’s wearing a slim black dress and a blue cardigan and flashy gold jewelry and she’s obviously come here straight from church. I’m not mad at her, but I also don’t want to talk to her. I breathe deeply and get out of the car. She stands up from the porch chair and I can hear her heals clunk on the cement as she straightens her dress.

“Can we talk?”

She’s at the steps, but has’t descended, just waiting. “Do I have a choice?” Maybe it comes out wrong, because she frowns.

“Look, I- I can’t keep wondering if everything I’m doing is offending you somehow. I get it, talking to Knox was wrong. I’m sorry. But you can’t just shut me out all the time. Eventually I won’t be there to come back to.”

I look away, down the street at Mrs. DeVore raking leaves. “No, it’s...I don’t get it. I don’t get how all this works and talking and talking and explaining and all that just wears me out. I’m not angry and I’m not upset at you. Just sometimes, I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want to explain it and it just is how it is.”

She shakes her head in understanding. I feel relieved because somehow it’s an acceptance I need.“I heard you talked to Knox.”

“Yeah...who told you?”

“Jake.”

“You talked to Jake?” She nods her head, “When?”

“Yesterday.”

Something inside me warms or brightens or whatever and I want things to work. I don’t know how, but I want them to. “What did he say?”

She smiles. “Stuff. About him. About you. Stuff I didn’t know and stuff you should have told me.”

I blush. “Oh.”

“He really likes you.”

I blush even more, because do I know this? “Yeah.”

“I was worried at first. But I’ve thought about it. Maybe it’s good. For both of you.”

“Yeah. I...don’t know. And before you ask I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Just know, it can work, even with him being...Jake.” She makes a face and I laugh, “Are you going to invite me in? It’s cold out here.”

We go in and she talks more about Jake. About what he told her and she’s joking about it. She doesn’t probe for a lot of information and for that I’m thankful. I like just talking to Carson without thinking there is some mission behind it. She tells me about Grey and their dates and how his smile crooks to the left. We talk about Sara and I tell her Sara is jealous, but she’ll get over it and we even talk about Avery. Carson tells me she and Knox are still together, but how Avery misses me. I roll my eyes and Carson only half smiles. She’s been here half an hour before her phone rings.

She rolls her eyes. “It’s Joey. He probably forgot how to breath again. Hello!- Wait, Jo, what? - yeah, I’m at his house now - okay, calm down, I don’t understand what you’re saying - well, yeah, yesterday - wait, she said that?” She looks up at me and is just staring, “Look, Joey - no - Joey, no - Look, let’s just talk about it, okay. It’s probably nothing - No, Joey, that isn’t a good idea - Joey! - Does it even really matter - that’s fucked up and even you should know that.”

I’m nervous, shaking because I’m lost but not really, because she’s looking at me and I can hear Joey’s voice and sometimes I can make out his words and it isn’t what I want to hear. She hangs up and just stares at me before standing up. “What? What did he say?” My heart’s beating faster, but I need to know.

“He, uh, heard that you and Jake are ‘gay for each other’ and wanted to know what I know.”

My heart drops. My hands are on my face and I feel like crying. It’s over. Jake’ll never want to be with me if he thinks Joey knows. He idolizes Joey. If he even thinks Joey disapproves he’d probably never talk to me again. “How’d...how’d he hear that?”

“His girlfriend. Chloe, the girl from Evans. He said her friend saw y’all together.”

I take a deep breaths “Ethan. He was here yesterday. He knows...everything. More than everything.”

“Ethan? That guy you were talking to? You still talk to him?”

“Barely. He just showed up, and now he’s ruining everything.” I want to cry, but I won’t. I can’t.

“I should go talk to Joey. Look, Caleb, it’ll be okay. I’ll handle it. Everything will be okay.” She smiles and I want to believe her.

After Carson leaves, I pace around the kitchen running scenarios through my head of what could happen. Maybe Joey will be fine with everything and he’ll pat us on the back and be happy and convince us to get together for good. Or maybe he’ll get mad and beat Jake up and never talk to us, but still keep it to himself, like a tightly held secret that if told would ruin everything. Or maybe he’ll tell someone who’ll tell someone and then everyone would know. I almost prefer that. Just so everyone would know and I wouldn’t have to do anything about it. Everyone would know and I could just walk down the halls and maybe someone would say something, but it wouldn’t even matter because at least they know. But all that would be without Jake. I don’t think he could do it. I don’t know what would happen, but I don’t know if he could handle it. I don’t know if I could handle him not handling it.

Eventually my family comes home and my mom nags my dad about something that’s wrong with the washing machine and Adam disappears into his room and Cassie gives me weird looks. I eventually take a walk to the park a few blocks away. There, I lay down on the ground. It’s cold and the wind is blowing, but the sun is still shining right on my face. I don’t know long I’m laying there before someone comes up to me. I turn around and it’s Cassie. She’s sitting cross-legged in the ground about a foot from me.

“Hey you.” She nudges me with her foot and I push it off.

“Hey.”

“You’ve been gone a while.”

“Have I?”

“Yeah. You left your phone. Jake called. A lot.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. He’s...not well.”

My heart drops. “What?”

“Something about Joey. I told him I know. About y’all. Kind of. He wants to talk to you, I think.”

I sit up suddenly, standing on my knees. “Did he say what Joey said? Has he talked to Carson?”

“Woah, I don’t know. He didn’t say much. What’s going on? He seemed upset.”

I fall back onto my butt. “All I know is Joey knows. Or suspects, anyways. Ethan’s friend, who is Joey’s girlfriend, told him or something. I don’t know. Fuck.”

“Shit, Caleb, I’m sorry.”

“No. I mean. It’s nothing.”

“Are you and Jake, you know, together?”

“No. Not really. I mean, who the fuck knows.”

“I heard you guys yesterday. Laughing and stuff. Y’all sounded...happy.”

“We were. Are. I don’t know. It’s all so confusing.”

“Is he scared?”

“Of people knowing...yeah. I’m not the first guy he’s been with though. So he’s not scared of, you know, us. I don’t think.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“So what are you gonna do?”

“Talk to him. I don’t know, see what Carson says. Maybe it’s nothing.”

“You know I’m always here.”

“I know.”

We’re quiet for a while. The wind is picking up and whipping Cassie’s hair around. She has her legs up against her chest, looking across the park with her eyes squinted. “I can barely wrap my head around it. Jake Holley’s into dudes. Hmph.”

I stand up and offer her my hand. “You and me both.”

Back at home, I grab my phone off the kitchen counter as my mom tells me Jake has called about a hundred times. I look at my phone and I don’t think she’s exaggerating. Not only calls but texts too, an not just from him. From Carson and Joey and even Sara. I retreat to my room and throw my phone onto my bed as I strip off the clothes I’d worn to church. I put on a pair of sweatpants and an old sweatshirt and fall into bed. I should call someone. But I’m not sure I’m ready to talk to him yet. I still don’t know what is actually going on or what to say.

I decide to call Carson first, maybe she can fill me in. On something.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Caleb! Why don’t you answer the damn phone?”

“Sorry, I was out. What’s up?”

“Yeah, okay, anyways, Joey’s girl-whatever, who is friends with that creep Ethan, told him about whatever happened yesterday, and apparently a blowjob you never mentioned to me, and maybe some other stuff that I don’t even want to talk about. So he was, I don’t know, panicking earlier that his buddies Jake and Caleb might be fucking each other. And he isn’t exactly pissed, more like fucking crazy batshit insane.”

“So he didn’t take it well?”

“That is the fucking understatement of the year, Caleb! Like I said, he isn’t mad, per se, but he’s gone crazy. He’s called about everyone under the sun asking if they knew. He thinks he’s been played by Jake. And as you may know, Joey hates to be played because that implies he’s stupid, and he doesn’t like people thinking he’s stupid. Even though he is, basically.”

“I’m confused, so he’s told people?”

“Not so much told people as accused them of keeping a state secret from him. And he got some surprising responses. People by and large seem to know about Jake’s...proclivities. It apparently was a very badly kept state secret, at least among the guys. How the hell I just found out is beyond me. And that is why my brother is pissed. Because he thinks he’s been had.”

“So he doesn’t, like, hate us?”

“He hasn’t had time to hate anybody yet, Joey! He’s gone crazy! Why are you acting so calm about this?”

“Well, I mean, it’s true. Jake and I have fooled around. Like, yeah, so I think I’m over the drama.”

The line was silent for a bit. “This is Caleb, right? Caleb Abernathy? Who freaks out if he even thinks there is a stain on his shirt? Who literally couldn’t admit to himself he was gay? That Caleb?”

“Yeah, it’s me, but what’s the point? I am gay and Jake and I have fooled around and I’m not the only one and anybody could have said anything at any point about him.”

“Yeah, well, Joey talked to Jake, if you can call what happened talking.”

“Yeah?”

“Didn’t go too well.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Jake may have a black eye tomorrow.”

“What the fuck?”

“Look, I don’t think Jake’s ready for all this, so be careful, okay?”

“What do you mean, ‘be careful?’”

“He might not...he might not want to talk to you. Or see you.”

“He said that?”

“Not in so many words. But I think he blames you.”

“For what?”

“Joey knowing. For anyone knowing.”

“He sucks off half the school and it’s my fault someone found out?”

“Look, Caleb, I was just saying…”

“No, I know. It’s cool. It’s just, I knew this would happen. I knew this wasn’t a good idea. I am so fucking stupid.”

“No, Caleb, It’s-”

“Bye, Carson.”

I hang up and throw the phone to the bed again. Fuck this shit! Why do I have to worry about this shit. Something might go right for once in my fucked up life and shit like this happens. Can’t I just be happy? Can’t I just get what I want without everyone else fucking it up? I pick up the phone again and find the name. I stare at it and I hate it now. It was all a mistake and why did I ever even try? I may have told Carson I’m over the drama but that doesn’t mean I can escape it. I press the name and the phone calls.

Ring. Ring. Ring. “Hello? Caleb? Look-”

“Don’t ever fucking talk to me again you arrogant asshole. You knew what you were doing and I don’t get it but you obviously hate me-”

“No, Caleb, wait-”

“Just shit up! You could have had me a hundred times but something is wrong with you, Ethan! You’re messed up and you did this to ruin it for me! I hate you!”

I’m breathing hard as I hang up, tears are streaming down my face but I’m not crying, at least it doesn’t feel like I am. I am just so done. So fucking done. The phone lights up a minute later, Ethan’s name across the screen. He calls three more times after that, but I ignore it. I don’t know how to process my feelings. On the one hand, I think I’m ready. I want everyone to know. It isn’t changing and after hiding for so long, I think breathing free is the best feeling in the world. But I also know how adamantly Jake was against it. Scarily so. Which makes me think there is something I don’t understand about it all; something I need to know. The problem, though, is I’m not sure I’m ready to talk to him yet. I’m afraid, because what if he says something I won’t be able to forget? Even if he doesn’t mean it, it’ll still hang there. I’d rather not give it the chance.

I put on music, the saddest mix I can find, and lay back. I look at my phone and see text after text, all saying basically the same thing from different people: is it true? I laugh, because I don’t even know what they’re asking, not really. One text, though, is from Clark, and says, Heard you talked to Kait. I can’t leave him hanging anymore and I need to talk to someone, so I call him.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Clark. I- I’m sorry. I- I want to be your friend.”

“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have made you go to the club. It was dumb of me. I wasn’t even that mad.”

I snort. “Could’ve fooled me.”

“I’m a drama queen, don’t you know this by now?”

“No, you’re just a teenage boy who pretends like life is the best thing ever when it’s really shit.”

“Wow. Insightful. Have you been reading too much again?”

“No. Well, yes. But no.”

“That doesn’t make sense, but yet I somehow know exactly what you mean.”

“It’s happening.”

“What?”

“What you warned me about if I got involved with Jake.”

“I may have over-exaggerated on that, Caleb.”

“It doesn’t matter. Not now. I’ll be the new gay kid tomorrow.”

“Hey now, you can’t steal all my thunder.” We’re both quiet for a while. “You better tell me what happened so I can correct the whores tomorrow during their gossip circle jerks.”

I don’t want to, but I start crying. “Joey found out. Because of Ethan. And now Jake hates me.”

“But you and Jake aren’t like, a thing, right?”

“No. Not a thing, a something, maybe. At best.”

“Well, Joey can suck it. Not mine though. He’s a little too muscle jock for my taste.”

“Clark.”

“Sorry.”

“I’m not upset about it though.”

“That’s good.”

“It had to happen like this, I think. It needed to happen like this.”

“You’re quite the insightful one tonight.”

“Yeah. I think, I really like Jake. But if he can’t...won’t get past this, then it shouldn’t be.”

“I get where you’re coming from, but everyone deserves to do things at their own speed. You can’t blame Jake if he doesn’t handle this well.”

“I won’t blame him. It’ll just show it’s not time. Not yet. Not with him. Whatever.”

“Awe, I’m so proud. You can have your gay card now.”

“Shut up!”

“Make me!”

I talk to Clark for over an hour, about nothing and everything. I think I’m ready for Monday in a lot of ways, but maybe some part of me still feels like a baby facing an opposing army with only a butter knife for defense.