Unremarkable - 2. Backstory.

“Hey, you need help with that?” His voice was unexpectedly gentle; Matt was surprised to hear the whisper emerging from the tower of muscles before him.

Blinking repeatedly from sheer embarrassment, Matt shook his head and muttered, “No.” The will to unfasten the stuck zipper evaporated. He grabbed his bag and made a beeline for the corridor. As he tried to blend in with the crowd, he felt the new guy staring at his hasty exit. He would have liked nothing more than for the earth to open up and swallow him whole.

“Uh…hey, I’m Dar-” The words hung in mid-air as Matt’s retreating back disappeared into the crowded corridor. Darren chuckled at the socially-awkward antics of this strange guy and he knew from that moment, this was going to be an interesting school year.

--

Setting his tray down on the canteen table with more force than necessary, Matt needed to show his friends how unacceptable ditching him on purpose was. Dylan contemplated Matt and shrugged. He reminded Matt that he was simply giving them some time alone. He leaned over and whispered into Matt’s ear, telling the angry teen he had managed to obtain information on the new guy using his connections in school. Matt’s eyes shot open. Liz giggled and he caught himself, clearing his throat to relieve the awkwardness. Dylan considered it a favour after seeing how Matt was hopelessly enamoured with the new face in their History class. At least Liz had the decency to blush under Matt’s stare, and, like a Cheshire cat, she could not stop smiling upon hearing Dylan brag about the information he had uncovered.

“You know, Emily from Student Council told me interesting things about this Darren. Apparently he isn’t much of a brainiac but he clinched direct admission here because he plays for the youth division on the national basketball team. He’s taking over as captain this year because he is nothing short of amazing on the court,” Dylan read from his phone. Evidently, the wonders of technology and mass texting made it possible to have information on anyone at your fingertips if you knew whom to ask. Barely an hour has passed since their History class and Matt was sure Dylan already knew Darren’s favourite ice-cream flavour.

“Oh yeah, the most important thing - Mr Darren is single. In fact, no one could provide information on ex-girlfriends. Maybe he doesn’t date, or doesn’t date the type everyone assumes he would, if you get what I mean.” Dylan winked, mischief obvious in his voice.

Matt was stunned. A gorgeous man both kind and single? There must be a catch. “Oh, really? That’s cool I guess. Anything else you are dying to tell me?” Matt attempted a casual reply. His interest was piqued and it was not difficult for Dylan and Liz to pick up on his pitch going up a notch at the end of the question. While Liz busied herself trying to supress laughter, Dylan sighed, unsure whether to be amused at Matt’s effort in playing it cool, or disappointed that he felt the need to hide the obvious infatuation.

A sly grin appeared on Dylan’s lips. “Nothing much, a friend from the basketball team saw Darren changing in the locker room after practice. Apparently Darren is packing a missile down there. Just thought you’d be interested.” –

Matt’s ears and face turned crimson.

Dylan laughed heartily, playfully warning Matt not to start touching himself. Matt blushed even harder and beads of perspiration formed on his forehead from the embarrassment. Liz laughed so hard she started snorting and the table erupted into another round of mirth.

They had to give Matt some credit though; he had come a long way from being that person who suffered panic attacks whenever cute guys looked his way. Matt’s process of coming to terms with his sexuality was to be much tougher on himself than it was on them.

He tried hard to be “straight-acting”, oblivious that everybody expected him to be gay. Androgyny would sum up his disposition and the charade did nothing to fool the rest of the world. Except for his family. They were more than happy to see him trying to act macho than flamboyant. His family vehemently opposed any activity deemed effeminate and was forced to withdraw from the drama and glee club because acting in musicals and singing songs by pop icons was not manly enough.

Until now, Matt was unwilling to stop this charade around his family, although he left church and told close friends the truth.

Dylan found it a laughable irony; Matt’s family forced him to quit the drama and glee club but unbeknownst to them, he was putting on a much bigger performance for them in real life. He never could tell whether his family suspected, or if they wanted to avoid conflict by sweeping the entire thing under the carpet; either way, he was content to leave things well alone.

Dylan still remembered how he found out about Matt’s secret.. He realised Matt was gay long before Matt even figured that out himself. The fleeting glances at guys. The over-enthusiastic discussion about girls and their parts were all tell-tale signs. Matt’s fervour in discussing girl bits meant either he was a sex-crazed pervert or he was overcompensating. Dylan could not imagine innocent Matt as a pervert, which left overcompensation the only logical reason. Hell, Matt did not even know what masturbation was until Dylan shared this wonderful discovery. Dylan had his suspicions for a long time before finding out the truth by a coincidence as big as a cheesy plot from a comedy.

**

Dylan was such a familiar face at Matt’s house, that his parents gave him a set of keys. They were supposed to meet Liz for dinner after school and Matt was taking his own sweet time again. Needless to say, being the impatient teenager that he was, Dylan did not have that much patience to wait around for Matt; he planned to hit the mall and take in a movie after dinner.

Entering the empty flat, he heard humming from the bathroom. “This idiot is really taking his time and making me wait,” he thought.

Taking every opportunity to scare him, Dylan switched off the lights and viciously banged on the bathroom door bellowing at the top of his lungs. A scream, a bump and some cussing later, an enraged Matt opened the door, wrapped in a towel with soap suds all over. “Not cool man. What the bloody fuck is wrong with you? I almost cracked my skull open on the toilet bowl. Go to my room and stop bothering me, asshole.”

Dylan’s amused expression froze seeing how pissed off Matt was. He never swore unless he was infuriated. Despite how shy and soft-spoken he usually was, the angry Matt was terrified and capable of a strength most did not expect from his thin frame.

Dylan would later joke about how Matt was like the Hulk, with one exception; he would turn pink instead of green because of his gay-ness. That though, was not until much later, only after he became comfortable with his own sexuality.

Dylan retreated into Matt’s room, reminding himself to keep out of his way, at least until the temper subsided. He browsed the net while waiting for him to get ready. He owed his friend at least that much patience after the little prank. On hindsight, he thought it was funny, not that Matt would agree.

A leather bound book lay open beside the laptop and caught Dylan’s attention. He always teased Matt about his habit of keeping a diary, stressing that only eight year olds and teenage girls did that. He never saw the book without Matt, much less the contents in the book. Against his better judgement, curiosity took over as he peeked at the writing. The date on the last entry indicated that it had just been written, probably the reason Matt took so long to get ready.

**

13 February 2010

Something in the sermon last Sunday made me really uneasy. The pastor mentioned homosexuality again. We always joke about guys being gay or calling things we don’t like gay but I never realised how much everyone in church abhors it. Sure, mom comments about gay people spoiling the sanctity of marriage from time to time when these equality movements come up on television but I didn’t know how strongly everyone felt about this issue. Even dear Auntie Chan, who exemplifies love and tenderness, looked utterly disgusted when the pastor talked about them spreading their gay agenda. I even heard her clicking her tongue to show her disapproval.

I know why hearing these remarks make me uneasy but I don’t ever want to say that out loud. Somehow, that would make things true, and that’s not what I want. Maybe it really is a phase, like how the dude from the adult service was welcomed back into church after he stopped his experimentation. Please let it be a phase because there is nothing I want more than to date girls, get married and have enough children to form a football team.

At first, I thought it was only Dylan. Maybe I’m so close to him that I am overthinking my feelings, but now even other guys are attractive. I don’t like the feeling I get when they walk by. I don’t like how my body reacts. I should be looking at girls – I should be looking at Liz. She has big boobs right? That’s normal. Looking at guys is NOT normal.

I don’t understand why I have these feelings for other guys. They aren’t holy and they sure as hell aren’t natural from what I’ve been taught. Why then, do I get these thoughts and feelings? It’s not like I want them, they pop up whenever I’m not careful with locking them up, or when hot guys make me lose focus.

Wait. Did I just call guys ‘hot’? This is wrong. I shouldn’t be calling them hot. Girls are hot. Boobs are hot. This is unacceptable. I shouldn’t even be thinking of those things but why doesn’t God help me? Is this some kind of test, because if it is, I’m flunking real bad.

I’m scared.

I can’t even imagine what would happen if mum found out about my unholy desires. What about my friends? I’m positive Dylan would be disgusted to hear that I get breathless when he changes in front of me. Everyone would hate me, but not if I get these sinful feelings out of my system before anyone finds out.

I am a freak. I need to get myself fixed before I go to hell.

**

Dylan’s eyes welled up with moisture. He knew Matt was dealing with denial issues and he thought he did his part by pretending not to notice. He allowed Matt the luxury of time and personal space to work things out by himself. He never imagined his best friend was struggling to come to terms with his sexuality. He wanted to beat himself up for being this careless. He should have seen the signs of an internal struggle.

Dylan felt guilty but he also felt a hint of disappointment; he always expressed support for the gay community, especially after suspecting Matt was gay. He even suggested that they go for PinkDot, a gathering organized by the LBGT community supporting the freedom to love. Matt dismissed the invitation because it was way too gay.

The emotional moment was cut short when he heard footsteps approaching the room. Dylan did his best to dry his eyes and tried to pretend using the computer. Matt stepped in before the browser loaded.

One look at his best friend’s puffy eyes and Matt knew something was amiss. Spotting the open book beside the laptop, he froze as a chill ran up his spine. Dylan’s reckless invasion of privacy rendered him speechless. He never imagined his best friend would knowingly snoop through extremely personal and sensitive writing.

Dylan might as well have stabbed him repeatedly with a dagger; physical pain would be more bearable than the immense ache in his heart watching his friend freeze up in a look of utter guilt. Matt was at the brink of breaking down from the avalanche of emotions rushing to his head.

Rage took over.

**