Unremarkable - 3. Truth

“Who the hell do you think gave you the right to look at my journal? Do you know what privacy is?” Matt rushed over and grabbed the book. He held it up to his chest protectively, gripping it so hard his knuckles turned white.

“Matt, I didn’t… ”

Dylan was silenced with a glare. Matt was not done with what he had to say. Dylan sat in wordless terror. He had not expected anger. Fear maybe, or relief because the truth was out and there was no reason for either to hide.

“Shut the fuck up, Dylan. This is way over the line. Are you happy now? Great! You found out about the feelings I’ve been hiding, the thoughts I’ve been ashamed of, the things I didn’t want to admit,” he spat.

“Oh wait, or are you disgusted?’ Matt said. “You had better run as far away as you can. This freak show here gets a boner every time he sees you changing. Did you want to hear me admit that? Did you think I was dumb enough not to realise why you always wanted to support gay rights? I didn’t make an effort to reply because it’s not cool with me. You can be as cool with gay people as you want but it’s fucking sick to me!” His words dripped with sarcasm, body trembling with rage as he unloaded all the pent up frustration. Dylan stared ahead, his eyes full of guilt and worry as Matt clutched at the table to stabilise himself.

After observing Matt for a while, Dylan realised Matt was not exactly trembling with rage. The tremors appeared involuntary and his face slowly lost colour. The short, abrupt intakes of breaths which followed confirmed Dylan’s fears.

A panic attack.

Dylan had witnessed this in the past. Though not a regular occurrence, it happened when a huge influx of stress or emotions overwhelmed Matt; his body’s warning that the pressure accumulated needed to be relieved. Intense feelings of betrayal, hurt and rage must have come crashing towards his head, triggering the attack.

Dylan ripped a blanket off Matt’s bed and wrapped him in a tight hug before guiding him onto the bed. With a firm, assuring voice, he told Matt to take deep breaths and started counting them. Whenever an attack struck, the anxiety subsided when he felt a sense of security.

As angry and ashamed as Matt was, Dylan’s voice still worked wonders in calming his nerves. After remaining in this position for what seemed an eternity, he finally got a grip of his emotions as the extreme fear melted away. He turned around gingerly and muttered, “I’m alright now, thanks.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dylan was worried that pushing Matt to talk about the recent revelation would push his emotions over the edge again.

“No. I need some time and personal space to clear my head. I need to figure out how this is going to change our friendship. I’ll tell you when I’m ready or something. Don’t expect it anytime soon.” Matt waved the offer away dismissively. He was certain a ‘talk’ would simply embarrass him further. The combination of fear, shame and frustration was a potent mix which gave isolation a strange allure.

“Matt, nothing’s going to change. You should know how we… ” Dylan looked and sounded as distressed as him. The avoidance came as a surprise to Dylan, especially since he had been so open about acceptance.

“No, just… I need time. Can I take a rain check for dinner tonight to be alone? Please don’t tell Liz about this yet.” He pleaded, hoping Dylan would get the hint and leave him alone.

“’Kay,” Dylan inched slowly towards the exit, hoping Matt would reconsider. Call him back. He hated the notion of leaving him alone, hurt by his idiocy. He walked out of the apartment, mentally chastising himself as he rubbed at the edges of this eyes, moist with regret and anger of overstepping the line.

Nothing about the discovery was mentioned and Liz had no idea what had transpired. Matt’s disappearance at dinner was explained away as an upset stomach. Things remained unchanged, at least it seemed that way to everyone else.

--

Recalling the events that happened two years ago, Dylan smiled as he looked at Matt and Liz arguing over whether Darren looked better than Matt’s previous crush. Despite all the emotional turmoil, he was glad everyone made it through the tough times and remained closer than ever.

“Why is Matt blushing? What have you been up to again, D?” A petite blond with short, cropped hair and a pair of huge doe-eyes teased as she took a seat beside Liz. Claire winked at Matt and he could feel his checks growing redder under her joking stare. Teasing him was somewhat of a group activity.

“Just the usual, someone caught Matt’s eye in History class.” Dylan was amused by how Matt squirmed under Claire’s interrogative glare. Matt threw a pack of facial tissues at Dylan and the rest of the table erupted in laughter. Matt sighed and buried his face in his palms while his lips curved upwards into a resigned smile. As much as they loved teasing him, he could not imagine life without these crazies.

**

Weeks passed since the diary incident and Dylan had been receiving weird looks from Matt when they were alone, it was as if he wanted to say something. Things never progressed beyond the occasional glances and awkward conversational starters no matter how many times he convinced himself that nothing they discussed would see the light of day without Matt’s permission. There was only so much a one-sided attempt could accomplish.

In any other situation, Dylan would have approached Liz for help, he had complete faith that her judgement would have no problem finding a way around the iron defence Matt set up to cordon his feelings. Not this time. Not after Matt specifically instructed Dylan not to involve Liz and definitely not after this information stemmed from an invasion of privacy. Dylan was uncomfortable keeping Liz in the dark but he would rather tolerate the little pangs of guilt than to subject Matt to another round of emotional turbulence.

This constant exchange of unfinished conversations and the awkward glances continued for another term. For a while, the whole incident was forgotten and lost amidst their busy schedules and extra-curricular activities.

**

Seemingly out of nowhere, students stole glances. Whispered amongst themselves. The giggling from the girls and snickering from the guys set the alarm bells ringing in Matt’s head.

Matt became increasingly jumpy as the day progressed. “Something is not right. People don’t laugh at popular kids. Liz and D are perfect so they must be judging the freak show sidekick,” he thought.

By the end of the day, Matt was in a state of sensory overdrive. His throat constricted whenever someone looked in his direction for too long; whispers or laughter behind him made his heart pound against his ribcage rapidly as though it was trying to break free. People scurried away as soon as the trio approached so he never got a chance to eavesdrop and find out what the buzz was about, much to his chagrin.

**

“Liz, we need to talk. Can you follow me?” A vexed voice stirred Matt from his thoughts.

Claire fidgeted in front of them, her chest rising and falling in quick succession as she inhaled heavily; her flushed face made her look as if she had run a marathon. Matt had a vague impression of this girl, having met her briefly. He remembered Claire from Liz’s debate team in secondary school and they bumped into each other whenever he waited for Liz to finish practice.

Liz’s face fell as soon as she saw the anxiety plastered on Claire’s face. She stared in shock until Claire tilted her head to the side, hinting that they needed to leave immediately. The tension between the two of them was thick enough to cut with a knife. Liz nodded in silence and left hurriedly after murmuring goodbye to the guys.

Forget the sudden revelation that they were friends outside of debates. Liz’s state of uneasiness was something Matt had never witnessed. Her gaze oozed trepidation, like the time they were caught drinking by her parents, except the look of fear in her eyes was stronger now. Even Dylan, who had been busy texting away on his mobile, caught the unmistakable tremor in Liz’s voice and glanced at Matt with concern. Claire moved out of sight rapidly with Liz in tow, leaving the boys puzzling over the sudden change in her demeanour.

Their attempts to reach Liz for the rest of the day proved futile. She didn’t reply to text messages and calls went straight to voicemail. She seemed to have vanished. Even a trip to her flat gave no clues as to her whereabouts.

**

Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt.

Matt’s phone vibrated, rousing him from a deep slumber. He cursed and squinted his eyes as he looked at the time on his phone. He wondered who had the audacity to send him messages at three in the morning. Seeing Liz’s name on the screen, however, cleared all the cobwebs in his head in an instant. He sat up in his bed so fast he grew faint from the sudden movement.

“Hey Matt and D, sorry for taking off so suddenly earlier. You guys will probably know by tomorrow so I might as well pre-empt the two of you. I’ve been dating Claire and I think most of the school knows because there is a video floating around of us making out in the debate room I’m in some trouble with the school and went off to see the principal and discipline master with my folks. I’m a mess right now but at least my folks haven’t kicked me out of the house. I won’t be in school tomorrow but I’ll meet up with you guys after school. Liz.”

“…dating Claire…” Matt read the text repeatedly. Dumbfounded. Adrenaline surged through his body. He tried to comprehend this information. Utter shock was replaced with a sense of ambivalence. On one hand, he was relieved that someone close was battling the same demons and wanted to confess to Liz his own struggles so she would not be alone. On the other hand, it seemed inappropriate to drop another bomb on her, especially since she was already in a state of obvious distress. She did not need another case of identity crisis added to her worries.

He could not decide on the right course of action.

He went back and forth over the ramifications of telling Liz his own struggles. Further contemplation about what to do only reduced him into a writhing mess of confusion as he flopped back onto his bed, grabbing at his scalp and willing his tired mind to make a sound decision.

He almost jumped off his bed when his phone vibrated. He stared at Liz’s text, wondering what to do. The shock from the sudden vibration caused the phone to slip from his hands, making painful contact with his forehead with a resounding thud. Rubbing his throbbing forehead tenderly, he saw that it was actually a text from Dylan.

“You gonna tell her?”

**

As usual, huge thanks to LJH for going through my work!