Unremarkable - 4. Coming Clean

If there was a storm running through Matt’s head just now, the text from Dylan upgraded it to a class five cyclone. Convincing himself against breaking the news to Liz now was tough enough; having Dylan pitch the idea again sent him into another bout of intense brainstorming.

The last thing he needed was his best friend’s approval to restart the process of deciding the appropriate thing to do. Figuring if Dylan’s recommendations would influence his decision-making, he threw the question back. A rapid series of messages followed.

“You think it would be a great idea to drop this bomb after what Liz has already been through?”

“Dude, I think she’ll find comfort that someone else relates to what she’s going through more than anything.”

“Err, why not we see how she is tomorrow before I decide.”

“It’s not up to me to decide. You know I love you no matter what, right?”

“Uhh, thanks. Gonna try to sleep, see you in school.”

Matt remained lost after the exchange. Almost at his wit’s end, an idea struck him. He could seek advice online. Dylan recommended this gay forum, Just Us Boys, to him a few days ago. No wonder Dylan suddenly tried so many new ways of getting him to open up – they were all ideas taken from the forum. Despite the gravity of the situation, Matt giggled when he imagined Dylan cringing at the sea of gay porn while trying to find advice.

As unwilling as he was to consider that this was the path he is headed towards, he could not curb the curiosity and steer clear from the forums. His head told him to avoid the forum like the plague, but his heart won the battle by invoking that darn curiosity of his.

To his surprise, it appeared that a number of people had experienced the same predicament. He had no idea what to make of this information. He felt relieved that he was not alone in his perverse desires, but he still shuddered when he considered that he might one day be sucking dick and fucking ass like the rest of them. Reading some personal accounts did give him comfort but deep inside, he knew that accepting himself was a life-changing decision from which there was no turning back.

That was precisely why he resisted coming to terms with his feelings towards other guys. He had no personal animosity against gay people – in fact, he was secretly envious of the courage they must have possessed to risk it all in the name of self-expression. Even if they failed along the way, surviving to tell the tale already showed the great deal of resilience they had against judgement from others.

Matt mustered the courage to start a thread and seek advice on dealing with Liz’s situation. He had never posted anything before, preferring to lurk in the shadows as a silent reader. Within minutes of his thread going up, responses came pouring in. People seemed really intrigued with this predicament and offered their two-cents on the situation. The amount of encouragement and attention surprised Matt – he was overwhelmed by how much everyone seemed to care for both Liz’s and his well-being.

One particular reply caught his attention. Someone called “D-And” left a message on his thread, telling him to take his time to come out – that coming out is a personal journey he should embark on only when he is ready and it should not be done for anyone but himself. “D-And” even told him to send a private message if he needed to talk. He was genuinely touched by how “D-And”, a total stranger just minutes ago, was so ready and willing to help him with his problems.

A shrill ring rudely snapped him out of his reverie; the alarm from his phone made him jolt up from his seat. Between texting Dylan and digesting all the messages and advice from fellow JUBbers, it was already past daybreak and time to start preparing for school – not that he would know, because he was a light sleeper with a habit of drawing the curtains before sleeping.

Dragging his lethargic body through the routine of washing up and getting ready, he could feel sleepiness seeping in with every step of getting ready he completed. The amount of thinking he did trying to figure out the right course of action tired him out - and he still had no idea whether he wanted to tell Liz or not. On the other hand, the warmth and acceptance he felt in the forums chipped away at his resolution to curb his inner desires and he almost felt like he was part of the community, a feeling of belonging he had never felt before.

For the first time ever, the thought of being gay did not feel as petrifying. When you have a huge group of people who are willing to be there for you through all your struggles and give you accurate advice because they were once facing similar difficulties, this support did ease some of the fear. There were even people who were in the exact same place in life as Matt was, stuck in limbo because of a religious family. Their reluctance to embrace their identity was not wholly one of self-denial, but also the fear of ramifications should they sin against religious beliefs that had been governing their lives. They gave Matt suggestions on how to deal with Liz’s situation and reading about their struggles brought about much solace for him.

This was the deciding factor for Matt when his mind drifted back to the heartfelt comments on his thread in the middle of class – he hoped that by sharing his struggles with Liz, it would take her mind off her own troubles and find an ally in him.

**

After what felt like a lifetime, the last period teacher ended her class while trying to get her homework instructions out before the teenagers bolted out of the room. Matt and Dylan could barely remain on their chairs for another second, after receiving a text from Liz meet at her place after school. They practically sprinted over to her flat which, fortunately for them, was a stone’s throw away from school.

Upon reaching the flat, they eyed each other nervously while standing silently in front of the locked door. Neither made a move to approach the door bell, not knowing what to expect. Liz did not sound too distraught over the text messages but then again, there was only that much emotion you could show through a text message. With bated breath, Dylan pressed the doorbell hesitantly, as if it was a giant red button that had ‘self-destruct’ written all over it.

The door opened ever so slowly; it was like one of those movies where everything moved in slow-motion. Liz’s eyes were swollen and bloodshot, a double-whammy from crying and a lack of sleep. Besides her eyes, nothing else betrayed the inner turmoil that she felt. Her lips were plastered into a defiant scowl which only softened momentarily into a forced smile when she saw that the visitors were her best friends. To anyone else, the first impression Liz gave when she opened the door was of an angry, rebellious and strong girl. The guys were not fooled. They had known her for literally half her life and saw through the facade instantly.

No words were said as both of them moved forward simultaneously and engulfed Liz in a tight embrace. The hug was the one thing that tipped Liz over her breaking point. Wrapped in the security of their hug, Liz knew that she no longer had to put up a front and let out a gut-wrenching sob. She unloaded all the frustrations she had been bottling up. In the midst of her weeping, she felt patches of moisture spread across her back; she knew that her friends were crying too - crying because they felt her pain as clearly as she did.

As saddened as the guys were, they guided Liz back into her flat and sat her down on the sofa. They knew they had to be her pillars of strength through this ordeal. She was so wracked by the intense sobbing that she collapsed right into the couch, like a puppet which had lost its strings. The young lady, a mere shell of the person she once was. Gone was the confident and optimistic Liz, she looked so scared, lost and fragile. The guys could feel her shrinking as they looked at her through tearful eyes, almost as if she was trying to hide away.

She did not stop crying for a long time and neither did the guys. Every time she looked at the tears welled up in her friends’ eyes, she could not stop feeling guilty for causing them heartbreak and misery. The process of calming one another was a long and tedious one but after some time, and with no more tears left, the trio composed themselves through the sniffles.

After they had calmed down, Liz spoke for the first time since their arrival. “Um… I guess you guys would have heard what happened by now. Someone took a picture of Claire and me making out in the debate room after practice and uploaded it onto the internet.” Her lips quivered as she recalled the events. “They are still trying to find out who the culprit is and both of us are suspended from school until further notice.”

“What did your parents say?” Dylan asked tentatively, not wanting to spark off another round of emotion.

“They took the whole lesbian thing well – they were just pissed at my lack of judgement. Right thing at the wrong time and place, they said.” Liz looked down at her lap, obviously feeling ashamed about being caught in the act. “Still, I’m grounded until the end of next month and we are going to have a talk with Claire and her parents,” Liz sighed.

“Claire’s parents are pretty religious, and made a big deal out of this. The last I heard from her was last night, with a text saying that her parents are threatening to confiscate her phone. I guess they really did that, my calls to her today went straight to voicemail. I must have left her a thousand voicemails by now.”

“She’s a strong girl, she’ll survive.” Dylan cooed. There was not much they could do, not until she managed to break the radio silence. Although Liz had calmed down considerably, Matt sensed that she was still hanging on the ledge and tears could break forth again at any time. He draped his arm over her shoulders and with a reassuring squeeze. She melted into his arms immediately, knowing that actions meant a lot more than words when they came from Matt.

They sat in silence for a while, until a soft whisper broke the tranquillity of the room. Everyone turned towards Matt and he looked down at his lap to avoid eye contact.

“Liz, I hope this is not a bad time to tell you this, but I think I’m like you,” he whispered, and it was his turn to shrink under Liz’s curious gaze. Dylan just reached over and held Matt’s hand, holding it tight to show his support.

A smirk broke Liz’s sullen face and her eyes lit up. “You mean… the two of you are together?” She asked, directing her gaze towards the clasped hands.

Matt’s eyes widened in utter shock and jerked his palm back so vigorously he actually elbowed himself in the gut. “Ow!” he grimaced. “We are not together. Dylan is cute b-but… No. Just no. Platonic love and nothing else.” Matt spluttered, his face growing red in his attempt to clear the air.

Dylan seemed more amused than anything and he stretched over, giving Matt a soft peck on the cheek before erupting in raucous laughter.

**

font>As usual, huge thanks to LJH for looking through my work!