Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
2013 - Summer - Roll the Dice Entry
Worth It - 1. Worth It
My fist slammed into the mirror.
The impact was ear shattering. An intricate network of cracks spread across the face of the reflective surface, spreading outward from the epicentre; the point of my frustration, my exasperation, my desperate need.
A fine sliver of glass protruded from my knuckle. I stared at my trembling hand as if massive pain engulfed me, when, in fact, it was not a physical pain, but a mental release of emotion, an out-pouring of pent up feelings. So much bottled up, hidden from time and the world and my friends; those I loved and cared for.
I delicately retracted the glass from my skin.
Bright red blood gushed forth. I watched as it spilled across the imperfect ripples of my skin, running across my fist and dripping to the floor below. It fascinated me, my life source spilling out of my hand, rushing as if to escape this hell my life had become. A surge of desire overwhelmed me, a need for the escape to become a torrent, willing my life to flee. Run. Make its way to a new future. A better tomorrow.
A tear fell down my cheek. Reality was something I couldn’t face alone. But it was a much needed reality; one that I cherished. I longed for so much more, yet was willing to wait, stick it out until perfection presented itself.
The most incredible forces come together during the fusion of an atom, an impact in science that results in an explosive reaction. It is perfection born of volatile pain, a collision with enough force to give birth to something pure, a molecule giving way to life, an atom combining to form energy, a flawless reaction resulting from the potent union of two individual elements.
In my simple reasoning, this was but an example of what it took to create something special. If, in nature, such violence could produce something so perfect, was that not evidence itself that sometimes to build that perfect relationship maybe this world of pain is necessary, perhaps it’s a part of learning to survive the growing pains of love.
I am deeply in love, yet I sometimes feel so alone.
I desire to be all that he needs, all he wants me to be. Yet some days I fall short of that mark. I just don’t seem to find the ability to meet his expectations sometimes. I know I have to do so much more. He only wants what is best for me; he’s only trying to bring out the good in me.
It haunts me to think of being apart from him. I fear his absence, and when we are apart my body aches for him. I need him so much. He is the air I breathe, the positive charge to my life, the centre of my world. I wish I could get it right. I wish the bruises on my back would force me to be good. The pain is a vivid reminder of how stupid I can be; times where I just don’t think. All worth it though. When I feel his love embrace me there is nothing more real, nothing more that makes me complete, nothing more I could want.
I am learning to understand that without the pain, we would be apart from each other, left even more alone. Deserted. Abandoned. I could never Be without him. I long to be with him until the end of time and to do this, I must learn to endure.
It is a wishing well. A place upon which I sit. A place in which I am trapped, wishing against all the odds that it will remain dry and that I will not drown in the despair of my failure. I trust he loves me, I am not sure why. I sense he could be lying to me, for love is not about pain, love is not about fear, love is most certainly not something of horror. But many have suffered for love, few have it easy. This is my lot. It is worth it. He is worth it.
So I stand here, watching the blood spread across my hand. My future is far and my life has many more crosses to bare. I just wish I could get it right. I wish I was perfect. I wish I could be the man he needs me to be. I try. I will continue to try.
Every day I roll the dice, never sure what will come of my decisions. I am a simple man, madly in love and I am willing to endure anything to make it work.
That is what real love is, right?
You say, "I love you boy."
But I know you lie.
I trust you all the same.
I don't know why.
'Cause when my back is turned,
My bruises shine.
Our broken fairytale,
So hard to hide
I still believe
It's you and me 'til the end of time.
When we collide we come together,
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise, I know you're worth it
When you hit me, hit me hard.
Sitting in a wishing hole,
Hoping it stays dry.
Feet cast in solid stone,
I got Gilligan's eyes
I still believe
It's you and me 'til the end of time.
When we collide we come together,
If we don't we'll always be apart.
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it.
When you hit me, hit me hard.
‘Cause you said our love is letting us go
But guess what?
Our future's is far, many of horror.
Lyrics Copyright of Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Written by Simon Alexander Neil entitled Many of Horror licensed and performed by Biffy Clyro and Matt Cardle.
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Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
2013 - Summer - Roll the Dice Entry
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