Hubris - 1. Alan

Part One:

The Nick Problem

Alan Bradford sat down under a tree, breathless and angry. He felt betrayed by his best friend. He felt betrayed even though Dave hadn’t known and Alan would never have told him.

He couldn’t be certain of whether he had fallen for Nick Davis because he thought he was gay, or whether he had thought Nick was gay because he had fallen for him. Either way, it had been a couple of years now. A couple of years during which he had guiltily imagined Nick almost every time he got himself off. Felt ashamed every time he came.

He had been so cruel to him, as though to punish him for making him feel this way. As though Nick had made Alan queer.

And now, now that he had confirmation that Nick really was gay, he had thought this was his chance. His opportunity.

He hadn’t had much time to think about it. He had followed Nick almost automatically, hoping to get him alone, with no plan for what to do when he did. Once he had cornered him, he had been cruel, because that was the only way he knew how to act around him. Then he had kissed him.

Nick had been still. Shocked. Unresponsive. Then Dave had showed up and everything had become clear.

Dave. Dave, who had been Alan’s first love, if one could call it that. They had been friends for as long as either of them could remember, and when they were six, Alan had convinced Dave to play at kissing with him.

Alan’s father had caught them. Alan’s ex-military, super-strict and homophobic father. He had thrown Dave out. Then he had beaten Alan. It was the only time he had done so. Alan never gave him cause to again.

‘I expect you to be a man!’ his father had told him. ‘Not some little arseshagging sissy! Do you hear me?’

And though Alan hadn’t really understood what it meant at the time, he had never tried to kiss a boy again. Not until today.

When they had grown older, Dave started having girlfriends. The first few were primary school relationships barely worthy of mention, of course. Kissing each other on the lips and then giggling about it. When they reached secondary school, Dave’s relationships grew more serious, and Alan’s thoughts regarding Dave became more graphic. In the end, he had convinced himself that there was no point in having a crush on Dave, that he was straight as an arrow and Alan would be better off investing his feelings elsewhere.

Alan had his first girlfriend at thirteen. It was the first time he felt like his father was proud of him.

He and Dave became closer than ever, proper best mates, and as Alan matured a little, he became more aware of the people around him, too. And that was when he had discovered Nick.

In primary school, Nick had been this scrawny little kid Dave liked to pick on, and Alan had joined in. Bullying came naturally to him, it always had. He had always been big for his age—not fat, just physically imposing. In secondary school, however, Nick began to pick back in earnest, and Alan became absolutely smitten at some point.

It had been hard enough to accept that Dave had decided to make Nick his friend after years of enmity. But to find Dave, the best friend Alan had thought could never love him because he was so straight, and Nick, whom Alan had lusted after for going on two or three years at least, together, was too much to take.

‘You think just cause I’m gay I haven’t got standards?’ Nick’s hurtful words echoed in Alan’s head.

Alan stood up, and without even going inside for his things, he left the courtyard and went home.

He found the house empty. His parents were both at work, Susanne at school. He locked the door to his bedroom all the same. Lay down on the bed and unbuckled his belt.

He pictured Nick the way he had left him, his shirt rumpled and his lips red. ‘You think just cause I’m gay I haven’t got standards?’ He pictured slapping him across the face and forcing him to his knees. In his mind, he made Nick suck him off. Then he got behind him, pulled down his pants, pushed him down onto all fours.

Alan turned over on his stomach, thrusting into his own hand, staining his sheets with pre-cum as he imagined fucking Nick. He came sobbing and gasping, feeling wretched and ugly and ashamed. He stayed still for several minutes, his semen puddling out into a large, wet stain on his sheets and his stomach, his tears staining his face.

He had never fantasised about raping anyone before. It frightened him.

Alan felt like he had no one now. He couldn’t face Dave. Chas was clueless, of course, and ended up sitting with Alan at lunch, though that might have been because Dave got up after barely touching his food and left the cafeteria before Chas was even out of the lunch line.

Alan and Chas ended up hanging out with a couple of bullies from their year for the lunch break. Alan knew them as Steve Winters and Johnny McIntyre. Steve was on the football team. Alan went through the motions, laughing at their crass jokes and making fun of the occasional passing student.

The following few days passed much the same. He didn’t have to talk to Dave, as Dave kept mysteriously vanishing at breaks. He had told Chas he had homework to catch up on, which was quite a feat for someone who was grounded, but Chas accepted it without question, because that’s what Chas was like. Alan suspected that he was seeing Nick, though. Somewhere, in secret.

So Steve and Johnny became his friends, or something like it. Then came a day, the following week, when he left school in their company and they saw Nick further up the road. Steve and Johnny picked up speed, but Alan lagged behind. He saw them reach Nick, grabbing his shoulder, turning him around.

‘Oh, it’s you again,’ said Nick. ‘Lose a posse member?’ He glanced over Steve’s shoulder and caught sight of Alan. ‘No, just replaced him, I see. Hullo, Alan.’

Alan’s heart rate doubled. He nodded his head wearily at Nick. What was he going to do? Nick could tell them everything. If he told them what had happened in the changing rooms it would be Alan’s head against a wall.

But Nick didn’t say anything about that. Instead he turned to the two older boys. ‘Big, strong men, aren’t you? Only go after me when I’m alone. How very… brave.’

‘Shut it, queer,’ said Steve. ‘No Jitsu champ Matt here to save your arse now.’

‘And, pray tell, what are you going to do with my arse?’ said Nick.

Steve seemed to hesitate. Then he advanced on Nick, grabbing him by the collar of his t-shirt.

‘Careful,’ Nick said calmly. ‘Don’t get too close now, you might catch the gays.’

Steve raised his fist.

‘Come on, you guys,’ said Alan, without thinking. ‘Let’s not bother, he’s not worth it.’

Johnny laughed. ‘Protecting him, are you Alan? Has someone got a little crush? I’m sure he’d like a boyfriend!’

‘I’m not gay!’ said Alan, defensively. ‘I just… He might tell. Not worth an assault charge, is it?’

Steve glared at Nick. ‘I’m sure we can persuade him not to,’ he said. ‘You’ll be worse off if you tell anyone, queer!’

Nick laughed derisively. ‘Is “queer” the best you can do? If you’re gonna bully me, you could at least be a little bit more creative with your insults! What’s wrong with anal assassin? Harry Hoofter? Backgammon player?’

‘Shut up!’ Steve growled.

‘Do you think your threats scare me?’ said Nick quietly, his voice full of loathing. ‘After what I’ve been through, I’m not all that scared of anything anymore. You think you know about me? You don’t know the half of it. I’ve been facing off against bullies like you my whole fucking life, and that’s not even scratching the surface of what’s been done to me! There’s not a thing you can do that’s as bad as what I’ve already experienced, so go ahead. Make your move.’

Alan stared at Nick. What had he been through? Worse than what any bully had ever done… What could he mean?

‘Steve,’ he said, taking a couple of steps closer. ‘Let him go.’

Steve looked uncertain now. It would seem that Nick’s speech had made an impact on him as well. He shoved him to the ground and took a step back.

‘Why don’t you just go kill yourself?’ Steve spat. Then he turned around and walked away. Johnny followed.

Nick picked himself up, brushing dust off his jeans. Alan hovered, uncertain of whether to follow Steve and Johnny or stay and say something to Nick. But what could he possibly say? He turned away and made to follow the other two.

‘Hey, Alan,’ said Nick. Alan halted, but didn’t turn back to face him. ‘Thanks.’

Alan shrugged one shoulder and then jogged off to catch up with the others.

A couple of days later, Dave and Nick came out. The lunch break was nearly coming to an end, and out from a corner of the courtyard came Nick and Dave, hand in hand. People gawked at them in open-mouthed silence, some catcalled, some japed and a few reacted with anger, shouting slurs at them. They didn’t seem to care. They both looked so happy.

Alan stood off to one side, under a chestnut tree, and tried to be invisible, looking on in envy. He wished it could have been him.

Another few days passed and the ruckus died down. Some simply accepted it. Chas was one of them. He didn’t seem to mind once he got used to the idea and gladly spent time with Dave and Nick. Others still grumbled about it, or made crude jokes, but Dave and Nick were mostly left alone.

And then one day, out in the courtyard before the first lessons of the day began, Alan felt suddenly brave. He trotted up to Nick and Dave where they stood talking to Matt and Chas close to the entrance, as casually as he could.

‘Erm… hey,’ he said, and they all turned to look at him. Dave’s smile disappeared and he looked angry, but Nick’s expression was unchanged.

‘Hey,’ said Nick.

‘I, er…’ Alan looked away and licked his lips and looked down at his shoes and then back at Nick. ‘I’m sorry, Nick. And… and Dave, I’m sorry, I… I’ve been a twat and… well.’ He grew silent, looking away again, his heart racing in his chest.

‘Yeah,’ said Nick. ‘You have. It’s okay, though.’

Alan looked up at him, a slow smile spreading across his lips. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I… Thanks.’

Part Two:

The Matt Solution

It was a Friday night, about a week later. They were all at Matt’s house, as his parents were out of town again. Matt and Chas were playing XBox, and Alan was watching. Nick and Dave were over in one of the comfy chairs, snogging.

Alan had tried really hard to put his feelings out of his mind. He didn’t want to spoil it for Nick and Dave. They deserved some happiness. But seeing them together still sent a pang of jealousy through him. He tried to ignore it most of the time, but he had had a couple of beers, and that made it so much harder.

Eventually, he excused himself and went out to sit down on the front porch.

He heard the front door open behind him.

‘Hey, you okay?’ Matt sat down next to him on the steps.

‘Yeah,’ Alan lied. ‘Just needed some air.’ He glanced at the boy next to him. Matt was very attractive, with his dark hair and brown eyes and alabaster skin.

‘Yeah, me too,’ said Matt. ‘Stuffy in there.’ He met Alan’s eyes and smiled. ‘You know, you have nice eyes,’ he said.

Alan looked away. Instinctively, he wanted to call Matt gay and leave. It was how he had gotten used to dealing with situations like this. But he held back. Instead he said, ‘Er… thanks.’

Matt reached into a pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. ‘Want one?’ he asked, offering the pack to Alan.

‘Yeah, why not.’ Alan took one. He put it to his lips and waited for Matt to light his and hand him the lighter. Instead, Matt leaned over and lit it for him.

Alan didn’t smoke often. Smoking was one of the many things that weren’t acceptable in his home. He breathed deep before exhaling heavily. He examined the cigarette casually and glanced over at Matt again.

The other boy was looking at him, his brown eyes gleaming in the semi-darkness.

‘You’re gay, aren’t you?’ he said at last.

Alan stiffened, and he looked away. ‘I… No. Who… Who told you that?’

’No one told me anything,’ said Matt. ‘I can put two and two together.’ Alan felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up at Matt defiantly.

‘I’m not gay,’ he said, automatically.

‘It’s okay,’ said Matt. ‘Really.’

Alan looked away again. Brought the cigarette back to his lips, inhaled. His hand shook slightly as he took the cigarette away from his lips again to flick the ashes onto the ground before him. He sighed, expelling a puff of smoke. Then he leaned his head back, closing his eyes for a moment. He wasn’t sure what to say now. If he admitted it, said it out loud, that would make it so much more true.

Matt’s hand was still on his shoulder. Shakily and a little clumsily, Alan raised his left hand to touch the one on his shoulder, squeezing it slightly. He turned his head back around to look at Matt and opened his mouth.

‘I…’ he began, but he didn’t know what was supposed to follow, so he closed his mouth again and looked down, at his hand on top of Matt’s.

Matt shifted a little closer to him, and brought his face close to Alan’s, slowly, almost hesitantly. Alan looked at him again, his heart pounding in his chest, and their lips met.

It was a chaste kiss. Matt’s lips were soft and slightly moist, and the kiss tasted of beer and cigarette smoke. Alan’s free hand shook and he dropped the cigarette.

Matt kissed him once, twice, three times, and then he pulled away, smiling.

Alan looked away again and cleared his throat. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I’m… I’m gay.’

The others left at around eleven, but Alan stayed behind. He didn’t really want to go home. It was even more awkward there than usual. His father had been in one of his moods for a few days now, shouting at everyone. As much as Alan hated leaving Susanne alone in that kind of situation, he supposed it hardly mattered anymore this late. She’d be in bed by now anyway. His father, for all his rules, didn’t seem to mind if Alan stayed out all night weekends, as long as he came home the next morning and told him he had been with a girl.

So he and Matt put on a CD and sat in the sofa, talking. Alan told him about his feelings for Nick and was surprised to find that Matt had also had feelings for Nick, though he admitted that Nick wasn’t really his type.

‘What is your type, then?’ asked Alan.

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said Matt. ‘Tall. Broad shoulders. Black hair. Blue eyes… Like you.’

Alan blushed. He glanced over at Matt to find the other gazing at him. The house was empty. The music had stopped. All he could hear was the ticking of the clock on the wall and his own heartbeat. He looked down at his hands.

He thought he should say something, but he didn’t know what. Then he thought he should do something, but was at as much of a loss there. In the end, he turned his head to look at Matt again. Matt was seated slightly sideways. He was leaning his elbow on the back of the sofa, propping up his head with his hand. A smile played across his features.

His t-shirt was loose and frayed at the collar, showing a bit of his pale chest, and Alan could see the contour of his pierced left nipple through the fabric. Matt’s brown eyes glittered. Alan thought he looked unspeakably hot, and felt his face flush.

‘What?’ said Matt softly. ‘Is there something on my face or something?’

Alan shook his head. Looked down at his hands once more. They were shaking again.

Matt lifted his right hand to Alan’s face, to cup his cheek. Alan turned his face toward him again, and Matt leaned in. Their lips met for the second time that night, only this time Matt didn’t hold back, and Alan didn’t want him to. He parted his lips almost immediately and Matt’s tongue slipped inside.

Matt pulled away just an inch, his brown eyes boring into Alan’s. ‘What do you want?’ he whispered.

Alan shivered and closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them again, he said, ‘Everything.’

Matt kissed him again, fiercely and insistently, and Alan kissed him back. Matt climbed on top of him. He took his hand and entwined their fingers. Then he began to suck and bite at Alan’s neck, and Alan gasped. He felt himself go hard, and knew from the sound Matt made that he had felt it too. He rolled his pelvis against Alan’s and Alan moaned.

He stopped thinking and let his instincts take over. He reached under Matt’s loose t-shirt to stroke the skin of his back softly. Then he pulled the t-shirt off him and, pulling him closer, stuck out his tongue hesitantly to lick his nipple. Matt gave a gasp and put both arms around Alan’s neck, tugging at the fabric of his shirt. Alan let go for long enough that the shirt could come off.

When they were both naked from the waist up he took a moment to look at Matt’s body. He was slender and sculpted and angular, and very very beautiful. A light dusting of brown hair trailed down from his bellybutton and into his jeans. A silver stud went through his left nipple, elegant and unbelievably sexy. Alan brought his hands up and down Matt’s back, caressing his soft skin. Then he looked up into his face and they kissed again.

Alan pulled Matt as close as he could get him, marvelling at the feeling of Matt’s skin against his own, how warm he felt, how soft and how comfortable. Then he bit into his neck and his shoulder, enticing gasps and moans from Matt’s lips.

Matt kissed his forehead and his eyelid and his cheek. He left a trail of featherlight kisses down Alan’s neck as he slid down his body, a hand coming to rest at the lining of his jeans. Then he looked him in the eye, as if to ask permission, and Alan nodded, breathless and with pounding heart.

Matt took a moment to unbuckle Alan’s belt and unzip his jeans. Then he slid down to the floor and got to his knees. Alan lifted himself off the sofa a little bit so Matt could pull his jeans and his pants down far enough to reveal his cock.

Alan’s breathing sped up, even though he hadn’t even been touched yet. Matt looked so incredibly sexy down there, all lidded eyes and parted lips and flushed cheeks. Then Matt grabbed hold of him and began to stroke and Alan gasped and threw his head back. He closed his eyes for a moment, but opened them again in time to see Matt’s head descending over his crotch, taking him into his mouth.

‘Ah…’ Alan panted, reaching down to comb his fingers through Matt’s unruly shoulder length hair. It felt so good! So tight and wet and wonderful. At this Matt was clearly an expert. He worked his hand up and down, in synchronicity with with his mouth, now licking the tip teasingly, now sucking so his cheeks hollowed.

Alan moaned, and felt like he might come any second, but he didn’t want to, didn’t want it to be over.

‘Stop!’ he gasped. ‘Wait…’

Matt’s mouth slid off the end of his shaft and he looked up at him.

Alan pulled a deep breath, trying to stop himself from bubbling over. Then he sat up a little bit and took Matt’s hand, pulling him to his feet. With trembling hands, he undid the zipper of Matt’s jeans. Matt got the hint and took off the rest of his clothes in one fluid motion.

Alan stood up. They were of an almost equal height, Matt only had half an inch on him. Gazing into Matt’s eyes Alan reached down to grab his cock, stroking, slowly. He had no intention of rushing this. With his other hand, Alan stroked Matt’s neck. Then he kissed him again, and Matt put his arms around him.

Alan kissed his cheek and his neck and brought his mouth to his ear, hesitating slightly. ‘I…’ he whispered. ‘I want to fuck you.’

Matt’s breath hitched in his throat and he dug his fingers into Alan’s shoulder. Alan took this for encouragement.

‘Can I?’ he pleaded. ‘Please… Can I fuck you?’

Matt drew a deep breath and let it out with a shudder. Then he nodded. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I… I want you to.’

‘Have you got a condom?’

‘Left jeans pocket. Hang on, I’ll be back in a minute…’

Alan kissed his neck, and his shoulder, before he let him go. Matt disappeared into his bedroom. Alan pulled off his jeans completely. He found Matt’s on the floor, and searched the pocket for a condom. A moment later, Matt returned with a bottle of lube.

‘Get on the sofa,’ Alan whispered. He cleared his throat. It felt dry.

Matt obeyed. He climbed onto the sofa, his back to Alan. Alan struggled with the wrapping of the condom for a moment. Then he climbed up on the sofa behind Matt. Matt leaned his chest against the back of the sofa.

Alan let his hands wander over Matt’s body, feeling every inch of him. He caressed his neck, pinched his nipple and felt his skin turn to gooseflesh under his fingers. Matt shivered under his touch. Alan’s cock pushed slightly at Matt’s arse and the other whimpered.

Alan’s breath quickened again. He felt suddenly nervous. He wasn’t sure what to do. Matt must have noticed, because he took one of Alan’s hands and squeezed out a drop of lube onto his fingers. Then he guided the hand to his arse.

‘You can’t just plunge in,’ he murmured. ‘You have to ready me, or it won’t be nice for either of us.’

Alan nodded and swallowed. He slipped a finger in between Matt’s cheeks, and as gently as he could, pushed it just inside the rim. Matt gasped, his spine arching slightly.

‘Go on,’ he groaned. ‘Go deeper…’

Alan obliged, sinking his finger in to the knuckle when Matt’s muscles unclenched and gave way, and Matt gasped again. Alan wiggled his finger experimentally, eliciting a moan from Matt, who pushed back against him. Alan slowly inserted another finger. He pumped his fingers in and out, marvelling at the way Matt arched his back, his elegant neck craning backwards, and the sounds coming forth from his lips. His muscles clenched and unclenched around Alan’s fingers. He wanted more than anything to just plunge in right now, to feel the same around his cock, but his fascination at what he was doing to Matt held him back.

Matt made his decision for him. He reached back and grabbed hold of Alan’s cock, covering the surface of the condom with more lube, before guiding him in.

Alan pulled his fingers out and pushed. It was so tight! So unbelievably tight and oh, fucking hell, it felt amazing!

Matt released a long, drawn-out whine. ‘Fuuuuuuck…’

‘You okay?’ Alan asked. ‘Did it hurt? Should I stop?’

‘No,’ Matt whimpered. ‘No, don’t stop! Go on!’

Alan put one arm around Matt’s waist and held onto the back of the sofa with the other. Then he pushed again, with a groan, sinking deeper inside him. Matt moaned a string of profanities. Alan thrust one more time, going all the way in, and Matt cried out wordlessly.

‘Is… Is this okay?’ Alan asked, panting.

‘Yes…’ said Matt. ‘Yes, it’s… It’s good. Just haven’t… haven’t done this in a long time… Keep going!’

Alan began to work, and Matt’s body responded, thrusting against him as they both gasped and moaned and panted. Alan began to stroke Matt’s cock, and the other arched his back, leaning into him.

‘Oh… Fucking hell, oh, yes…’ Matt moaned. ‘Like that…’

Alan picked up speed, and Matt began to whimper. Alan bit into his neck and pinched his nipple, and Matt’s breath hitched in his throat. ‘Is that good?’ Alan whispered, before taking his earlobe into his mouth and sucking on it.

‘Yes…’ Matt whimpered. ‘Yes, it’s amazing! Oh, holy… I’m gonna… I’m gonna come…!’

And soon thereafter he did, spilling his semen over Alan’s hand and the back of the sofa (That’s going to stain, thought Alan vaguely, though he couldn’t bring himself to care very much). The aftershocks of Matt’s orgasm caused his muscles to clench around Alan. Matt cried out, and Alan came harder than he ever had, thrusting and moaning and panting.

When it was over, they stayed draped over the back of the sofa for a while. Matt took Alan’s hand and kissed his fingers, one by one, and Alan kissed Matt’s shoulder. Then he pulled out.

‘So…’ said Matt. ‘Fag?’

‘Yeah,’ said Alan. ‘That would be great.’

‘Okay, give me a minute. Just need to clean up.’

Matt vanished into the bathroom. Alan disposed of the condom and pulled on his t-shirt. Then he wiped himself off with his pants, before pulling on his jeans. He’d have to go commando. He put his pants in his pocket.

A minute later, Matt came back out, still naked. Alan looked him up and down, smiling appreciatively. ‘You know, you are massively hot,’ he said.

‘Thanks.’ Matt smiled unabashedly at him. ‘Christ, it’s a wonder I can walk,’ he complained as he started getting dressed again. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the pack of cigarettes, throwing them to Alan who caught them.

‘Sorry,’ said Alan, not feeling very sorry at all.

They went out onto the front steps to smoke their fags. They sat next to each other in complete silence for a bit. Alan felt like he should be feeling nervous or ashamed, but he didn’t. He felt perfectly comfortable with what had just happened.

‘Hey,’ he said slowly. ‘This is… I mean, this was just… I’m not…’

‘Not what?’ said Matt. ‘Not gay?’

Alan laughed. ‘No, I’m definitely gay. I mean to say, I’m not your boyfriend now or anything. Just so we’re clear.’

‘What do you mean?’ said Matt. ‘Didn’t you know of the ancient custom of the Homosexual Brotherhood? Once you fuck a bloke in the arse you’re bound to him for life!’

Alan stared at him incredulously.

‘Nah, I’m kidding,’ said Matt, laughing. ‘Of course you’re not my boyfriend. It was just a bit of fun, yeah?’

‘Yeah,’ said Alan. ‘I mean, it’s not that I don’t like you or anything, I really really do. Actually… But…’

‘You’re not looking for anything serious,’ said Matt. ‘I know. And I like you too. I wouldn’t have let you do that if I didn’t like you.’ He took a drag of his cigarette and smiled. ‘You know, you’re only the second bloke to ever do that to me…’

Alan looked up at him, surprised. ‘What, you mean you’ve only ever had sex with one other guy?’

‘No, no,’ said Matt. ‘I’ve had sex with loads of guys. But most of the time there’s no penetration, you know? Just blow-jobs and rimming… And the times where there has been, usually I’ve been doing the penetrating.’ He studied his cigarette before taking another drag. ‘I like to toss it up a bit, you know? Sometimes I top, sometimes I bottom. Being dominant is easy. You just take what you want. But being submissive… I only ever do that with people I really trust and like. I don’t have to be in love, but it has to mean something.’ He looked at Alan. ‘Tonight meant something.’

Alan looked down, smiling. ‘Yeah,’ he said. He looked at Matt again. ‘What was it like for you the first time?’ he asked.

Matt smiled, and sighed. ‘It was nice. I was in love. This was, oh, two years ago, maybe? His name was Brian. He was in college, and I thought he was so grown up… I met him at this youth club in Brum. He was openly gay. I was totally smitten, followed him around everywhere. Then one day, I convinced him to kiss me, and one thing lead to another. I doubt he ever had any feelings for me. Probably thought it was funny… He was three years older than me. The first time, it was… painful. But good, too.’ He looked at Alan again. ‘He’s the only other person who’s ever done me,’ he said. ‘Other than you. We were together maybe a month… He taught me so much. I’d go to his house after club. We’d do it in his bedroom, and I’d have to be really quiet so his parents wouldn’t hear us. Officially he was helping me with my homework while in reality he was shagging me silly.’

‘You were only fourteen?’ Alan asked. ‘And he did that to you?’

‘Yeah, well, I wanted him to. I don’t regret any of it. Only…’ Matt looked away again, and his smile dissipated a little. ‘Once I realised he didn’t really love me, it felt really… wretched, you know? Like he’d tricked me. I just wanted him to love me. Since then, I’ve really tried to always have it mean something.’

Alan raised an eyebrow. ‘But all those girls you shag… Do all of them mean something to you?’

Matt smiled. ‘Girls are different.’

‘Really?’ said Alan. ‘Isn’t that a little—’

‘No, I know,’ Matt interrupted him. ‘I’m a big fat hypocrite. But I don’t have feelings for girls. I can be attracted to them, and I can like them well enough, and I have no problem shagging them, but that’s as far as it goes. I’ve never been in love with a girl,’ he explained. ‘So to me, girls are different. Believe me, I’ve never tricked any of the girls I’ve shagged into thinking I have feelings for them. I’ve always been very clear that this is just for fun and I don’t want relationships, or anything else. To be frank, I’d prefer it if I didn’t even have to talk to them. They’re a means to an end.’ He laughed. ‘Like I said, I know I’m a hypocrite… And sometimes I feel bad about it, but… there you have it.’

Alan put his hand on Matt’s shoulder and squeezed. ‘You’re really fucked up,’ he said kindly.

Matt laughed again. ‘Yeah, I know,’ he said. ‘Thanks.’ He kissed Alan on the cheek. ‘I’d really like to be your friend, Alan. Properly.’

‘Yeah,’ said Alan. ‘Me too. And maybe now I can manage to be less of a miserable twat, too.’ He looked away for a moment, trying to phrase his next question in a way that wouldn’t sound stupid. ‘But do you think… Do you think we could still… have sex, sometime?’

Matt grinned at him. ‘Definitely!’ he said.