Hubris - 2. Matt

Prologue: Roadhouse

 

The Roadhouse was absolutely packed when Matt stepped inside. He was surprised Adolescent Pushback could pull such a large audience, even on a Friday night. Most of the members weren’t really adolescents anymore, but the name had stuck, and in spite of how daft it sounded (and, thought Matt, didn’t all band names sound stupid before they became famous?) they were really rather talented. Matt hadn’t heard them play in well over two years, but what they had posted on their YouTube sounded pretty good, and it seemed as good an excuse as any to take a weekend trip to Birmingham.

He paid the cover charge and sat down at the bar to wait for the show to start. He was a good half hour early, and knowing these guys, they’d be on at least half an hour late, so Matt took his time ordering a beer (they had a good selection, all things considered) and sipping it while he looked around the dark room. It looked much as he remembered it. The last band he had seen perform here was a Judas Priest tribute act one of his friends had dragged him along to about a year previously. The Roadhouse was not, perhaps, known for its classy ambiance, but it attracted decent rock acts even if it was a little tricky to get to.

Devon was supposed to meet him here. Matt scanned the crowd, but saw no sign of messy ginger hair. If all went according to plan, they would leave the venue together tonight and spend the remainder of the weekend in Devon’s bed. It had been a while since Matt had shagged anyone other than Alan, who had turned out to be nigh insatiable and very eager to try everything he’d missed during years of self-denial. Sometimes it felt like they were boyfriends, even though they had expressly agreed that they would be no such thing. It would be good to test the waters with someone else, if only to prove to himself that he wasn’t getting too emotionally attached to Alan Bradford. And if it happened to prove the opposite… Maybe that was okay, too.

Matt surprised himself by draining his pint. Lost in thought, he hadn’t realised he’d been drinking so quickly. He turned back to the bar to order another when he heard a familiar baritone to his right.

‘…and a Glenfiddich for Dom.’

‘Do they always send you to do bar runs?’

‘Almost. And I always thought the drummer was supposed to be everyone’s bitch…’

Matt glanced sideways at the person standing next to him. He was maybe twenty, with a mop of black hair and several visible piercings. He wore a somewhat tight black t-shirt and torn jeans, and his eyes were smudged with eyeliner. Elaborate tattoo sleeves snaked up both his arms.

Those were new.

He must have felt Matt’s gaze, because he turned his head to look at him. Matt nodded his head by way of greeting. The other smiled a familiar, crooked smile and looked Matt up and down.

‘Add a refill for this one to that order,’ he said, not taking his eyes off Matt. ‘Hello, gorgeous, where have you been all my life?’

Matt lowered his eyes and stifled a snort of laughter. Then he looked up again, eyebrow cocked. ‘You haven’t changed a bit,’ he said softly.

‘Excuse me?’

‘…And you don’t remember me. How have you been, Brian?’

---

 

Part One: Club

 

Brian was seventeen years old, had pierced ears and two studs in his right eyebrow. He played the bass in a rock band, and he was openly gay. He was, in short, everything Matthew Taylor wanted to be, and Matt was deeply and utterly in love.

Matt had just turned fourteen. He had yet to sprout up much, a slight and pale youth with dark eyes, awkward with arms and legs as yet too long for his body. The youth club had been advertised at school, and with nothing better to do, Matt had gone there one day, not quite sure what he was hoping to find.

He went to a secondary school in inner city Birmingham. It wasn’t a bad school as such, but Matt had never really felt comfortable with kids his own age and didn’t have many friends. Perhaps that was what he was searching for when he walked through the doors of the youth club that Wednesday afternoon.

The club had a games room with table tennis and pool, a music room with a few instruments (which was locked) and a sort of lounge with a few books and a stereo blasting hip-hop. There was nobody Matt recognised and he hovered nervously over by one of the bookshelves, trying to look like he was very interested in one of the volumes.

He was just about to give up and leave again when someone put a hand on his shoulder.

‘Hey,’ said a soft baritone voice. Matt started and turned.

‘I didn’t do anything,’ he said automatically.

But the grey eyes looking back at him were kind, and the older boy wore an easy smile. It was the beginning of everything.

Brian showed Matt around, introduced him to people, tried to teach him a few simple bass lines in the music room (to which he had a key, as a leader) and asked Matt questions about his life, his family, his hopes and dreams. It was the first time Matt felt like someone actually took an interest in him, and it made him feel warm inside.

What Matt liked best, however, was the way Brian would put a strong arm around his shoulder and ruffle his hair, and the way he’d fondly call Matt an idiot when he said something stupid and tickle him until he cried with laughter. And the way he would hug him goodbye when Matt left to go home for tea.

One afternoon, a couple of weeks after he had started attending the youth club, Matt was cornered in a corridor at school by an older boy named Josh.

‘Dan seen you hangin’ out with that Brian at the club,’ said Josh, cracking his knuckles in what was probably meant to be a menacing way but which, in Matt’s opinion, simply made him look like an orangutang.

‘So?’ Matt asked.

‘So he’s only a bleedin’ queer, isn’t he?’ Josh spat.

Matt was taken aback. ‘He’s not!’ was all he could manage to get out.

‘Is so!’ said Josh. ‘So, is he your boyfriend? D’you want to suck his cock?’

‘No!’ Matt said defiantly, hands balled into fists, blushing and trying very hard not to imagine doing just that.

‘Good!’ Josh growled. Then he drew back his elbow and landed a punch straight in Matt’s eye. The pain of the impact made his eyes water, and Matt cried out. Josh only laughed and walked away.

Matt fled from school, even though there were two hours of lessons to go, and sat on the pavement outside the youth club until it opened.

It was Brian who turned up just before four o’clock, pulling out a large set of keys and unlocking the door. ‘Hi, Matt,’ he said brightly. ‘Been here long?’

Matt lifted his gaze to meet his, and Brian did a double-take.

‘Blimey, what happened to you?’ he asked.

Matt felt his eyes tear up again, and he brushed angrily at his cheeks with his hand. ‘Nothing,’ he muttered.

‘Nothing’s got a pretty big fist,’ Brian remarked. He reached out a hand. ‘Come on, let’s go put some ice on that.’

Matt examined the hand wearily for a moment. Then he took it and let Brian haul him to his feet.

Brian took him to the kitchen, where he emptied an ice tray in a towel and made a make-shift ice pack while Matt sat down on a stool. Brian lifted the ice pack gently to Matt’s eye.

‘Wanna tell me about it?’ he said kindly. Matt shrugged.

‘It was just a boy at school,’ he said. ‘Just some bully. It’s no big deal.’

‘Do you get bullied a lot?’ Brian asked him.

‘Not really,’ said Matt. ‘Mostly, people leave me alone. But…’ He hesitated. He wasn’t sure he wanted to tell Brian what Josh had said, why he had hit him.

‘Yeah?’ Brian urged. ‘Hey, you can tell me whatever you want, Matt, I won’t judge.’

It was the encouragement Matt needed. ‘He said that someone had seen me here, hanging out with you, and he said that… he said you were…’

‘Gay?’ Brian supplied. Matt’s eyes snapped up to meet his. He swallowed and nodded.

‘Can—Are you?’ he managed.

Brian smiled. ‘Yup,’ he said, simply. ‘Does that bother you?’

Matt shook his head. ‘No,’ he said.

‘Good.’ Brian took his hand, and it was like the touch sent an electric shock through Matt. He lifted Matt’s hand to the ice pack. ‘Hold that there,’ he said. ‘I need to go get everything ready, I’ll be back in a bit.’

Matt sat alone in the kitchen for a good while, just thinking. So Brian was really gay. And he was so ready to just admit it like that.

Matt had always been attracted to both boys and girls. He had had a couple of girlfriends back in junior school, but they had always bored him. He’d never had a boyfriend, though he’d played at kissing with a few when he was younger. He always much preferred the boy kissing to the girl kissing. It had been a long time since he’d kissed anyone, though.

He wanted to kiss Brian. He wanted to do all sorts of things with Brian, he realised. He really liked Brian. Brian made him feel special.

The ice was beginning to melt, and cold water was trickling down his face by the time Brian returned. He took the ice pack from Matt and lifted it away, examining his eye critically.

‘Looks all right,’ he said. ‘You’re gonna have a gorgeous shiner for a while, though. What are you gonna tell your parents?’

Matt shrugged. ‘The truth, I guess. I mean, I won’t say who did it, but…’

‘You should ask your parents to let you enrol in Jitsu,’ said Brian. ‘I train twice a week. It’s really good self-defence stuff.’

Matt smiled. ‘Maybe I’ll do that,’ he said. Brian grinned at him, and turned to leave.

‘Brian,’ said Matt hastily. ‘I… Thank you. For helping me.’

Brian turned back around, still smiling. ‘Of course,’ he said. Then he ruffled Matt’s hair with a strong hand, and leaned in to place a gentle kiss to his forehead.

After Matt had eaten that evening, he went straight to his room. He lay awake in his bed for a long time, staring at the ceiling and thinking about Brian. Imagining Brian’s lips pressed to his own, picturing touching him, Brian’s body against his.

He got himself off three times that night, whispering Brian’s name when he came.

---

Matt spent more time than ever at the youth club after that. He often stayed behind late whenever Brian was on clean-up, helping him, and he felt like they were closer than ever. Brian seemed to be hugging him more frequently than he used to, though Matt wasn’t sure that this wasn’t just wishful thinking.

Matt’s parents were only too pleased to let him start training Jitsu as well, so two nights a week (the same nights as Brian) Matt would don his white pyjamas, as his dad called them, and spend two hours learning how to defend himself against armed and unarmed attackers. He didn’t see Brian much those nights, since he was at a far higher level than Matt, but occasionally he would pass him in a corridor or meet him in the changing rooms, and Brian would smile encouragingly at him, or high five him, or even ruffle his hair before continuing on his way. On those nights, Matt would go to bed feeling sore and absolutely knackered, though he was pleased to discover after only a few weeks that where there had previously been nothing but skin and bones, lean muscles were beginning to make their presence known.

Brian was making ever more frequent appearances in Matt’s dreams and daydreams, and it was becoming clear to Matt that what had started as an infatuation was quickly turning into a full blown crush, complete with tiny violins and dancing on clouds.

He was alone with Brian at the youth club one Tuesday evening in March. Everyone else had gone home, and Matt was sitting on a counter in the kitchen, dangling his legs, watching Brian sweep the floor.

‘You know, you could help,’ said Brian in an annoyed tone. Matt only grinned at him.

‘I like watching you work,’ he replied loftily.

Brian gave a nasty looking smirk. ‘You little shit!’ he growled, dropping the broom and pouncing on Matt, who squealed and attempted to run away, only to be caught and wrestled to the ground, laughing helplessly as Brian tickled him. ‘D’you give?’ Brian asked.

‘I… I give!’ Matt gasped. ‘I’m sorry! Mercy!’

Brian grinned, ceasing his tickling and pulling Matt to his feet. He picked up the broom and handed it to him. Then he went over to the sink and fetched a rag, which he used to wipe down the counter. Matt leaned on the broom and watched him, biting his lip.

‘Brian?’ he said after a moment.

‘Mm?’

Matt’s heart beat hard in his chest, and he swallowed several times, his mouth suddenly feeling dry as dust. Brian dropped the rag and looked at him, questioningly.

‘What?’ he said.

Matt swallowed again. ‘I think,’ he tried after a while. ‘I mean, I’ve been thinking and I have… I think I might… be gay too.’ His voice was very small when he said it.

Brian smiled mildly at him. ‘Really?’ he said in a tone that revealed little surprise.

‘You… you knew?’ Matt asked.

‘I suspected,’ said Brian gently.

Matt nodded, looking down at his feet. Then he glanced up at Brian again. The older boy had him fixed with his grey eyes, the same mild expression upon his face. Matt continued, ‘I mean, I think I could like girls, too… I mean, I find them pretty, sometimes, but I think I like boys more, I just… I’m not really sure.’ He looked down again. ‘Do you think you could maybe… help me find out?’ When there was no reply, he looked up again, bolder than he felt, and fixed his eyes to Brian’s. ‘Would you kiss me?’ he asked.

It was Brian’s turn to look away. He didn’t look uncomfortable or embarrassed, but he sighed and clicked his tongue. ‘Look, Matt,’ he said, turning his eyes back on him, ‘you’re a sweet kid—’

‘I’m not a kid!’ Matt interrupted.

‘Fine, not a kid,’ said Brian gently. ‘But, Matt, you’re fourteen. I’m in college. I’d be breaking the law.’

‘You’re not breaking the law if you kiss me!’ Matt protested.

‘Yeah, but it won’t just stop there, will it?’ said Brian. ‘Don’t think I haven’t noticed your little crush on me.’

Matt was taken aback by this, blinking. Was he really that obvious? He swallowed. ‘It’s just a kiss,’ he whispered.

Brian let out a breath of air and smiled. ‘Well, if you’re sure,’ he said softly.

He walked around the counter to where Matt was standing. Taking his face in his hands, he leaned in (he was a full head taller than Matt was) and pressed his lips to Matt’s.

Matt saw fireworks. He sucked in a sharp breath of air through his nose. He didn’t realise he’d let go of the broom before it fell to the floor with a loud clatter. He ignored it, instead putting his arms around Brian’s waist, pulling him closer, and parting his lips, pleased when Brian instinctively responded in kind. Matt clumsily pushed his tongue in, and when he was met with no resistance his confidence rose, and he began to move his lips against Brian’s, deepening the kiss and moving his tongue more aggressively.

Brian tasted like spring. His mouth was warm, and his lips soft, and Matt just couldn’t get enough. All he wanted was to get closer, breathe him in, taste him more. His hands began to move up and down Brian’s back, feeling the movement of his muscles under the fabric of the blue t-shirt he was wearing. He wanted to touch his skin, and slipped one hand under the shirt, feeling the warm, soft skin beneath his fingertips.

Brian made a sound that sent chills through Matt’s body, and he moaned in response.

Suddenly, Brian was backing away. His cheeks were flushed, and Matt felt a surge of excitement and pride upon the realisation that he was the cause of that.

‘Blimey, Matt,’ said Brian breathlessly. ‘Give a bloke a chance to breathe!’

‘Sorry,’ Matt panted, only now realising how his own heart rate had doubled and his breathing had become laboured.

‘Told you it wouldn’t stop at kissing,’ said Brian, once his breath had returned to normal.

‘It did stop at kissing!’ Matt said defensively. ‘Thanks to you…’

‘Yeah? And what, pray tell, was your hand doing under my shirt?’

Matt had the decency to look ashamed, even if he didn’t feel it. ‘I just wanted to know what your skin felt like,’ he mumbled, looking down at his hands. He heard Brian chuckle.

‘You’re adorable,’ he said, and Matt looked up at him again, eyes wide. ‘And a much better kisser than you have any right to be.’

Matt swallowed again. ‘You’re not so bad yourself,’ he said softly. ‘Can… Can we do that more?’

Brian took a deep breath and let it out again, scratching the back of his head in thought. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘I don’t think we really should. I don’t think either of us will be able to stick to just kissing. It’s risky.’

‘Well, I won’t tell anyone,’ said Matt. ‘I promise.’ He pulled at the hem of his shirt nervously. ‘I really like you,’ he said in a small voice. ‘I… I want to do more things with you. Whatever you want. And I won’t tell a soul.’ He fixed Brian with his gaze again. ‘Please?’

Brian smiled. ‘Well, how can I say no to that?’ he said. ‘Fine. Come home with me after club tomorrow. Say I’m helping you with homework. We can play.’ He smirked, and the expression made Matt’s knees buckle.

---

Matt didn’t feel nervous until he was standing in Brian’s bedroom. It hadn’t felt like such a real thing before then, and he’d somehow managed to convince himself that they’d just be snogging anyway, but now he was here everything seemed so much more real.

Brian looked at him with an amused expression. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘don’t just stand about. Have a seat.’

The desk chair was covered in dirty laundry, which left only the bed. Matt bit his lip and sat down gingerly on the edge of the mattress. Brian busied himself with putting on some music, before he came and sat down next to him.

‘So,’ he said softly, ‘what d’you wanna do?’

Matt fidgeted a little. ‘I… I dunno,’ he mumbled.

Brian chuckled, and reached out to brush his fingers lightly through Matt’s hair. Matt felt his pulse increase. ‘You’re adorable,’ Brian murmured. ‘You’ve read up on this stuff, I know you have. So, tell me what you’d like me to do to you.’

Matt took a deep breath and dared to meet Brian’s eyes. ‘Anything,’ he said breathlessly. ‘Whatever you want.’

Brian shook his head. ‘Doesn’t work like that, kiddo. You need to make the first move.’

Matt blinked a few times, clenched and unclenched his fist, trying to work up his nerve. Then he turned back to Brian and leaned in to kiss him.

It started light, simple and soft, lips caressing, tongues entwining, but then Brian’s hand was in Matt’s hair, and his other hand brushed his thigh, and Matt forgot to be shy or uncertain, forgot to be guarded, forgot everything. Soon, he was straddling Brian’s lap, grinding down on him, carding his fingers through his dark locks, biting at his lower lip, digging his fingernails into his shoulder. He made a mental note of everything he did that elicited specific reactions from Brian. How running his tongue along his lower lip made him groan softly. How tugging at his hair made him grip Matt tighter by the hips. How every minute movement of his hips made Brian a little harder, until Matt could feel his prick digging into his thigh.

Matt pulled off Brian’s t-shirt, and Brian loosened Matt’s tie and unbuttoned his shirt to expose his chest.

‘You have been training, haven’t you?’ Brian murmured, tracing the contours of Matt’s abdominal muscles with his fingers.

‘Uh-huh…’ The feel of skin on skin made Matt shiver, and he dipped his head down to explore Brian’s muscular chest, licking along his collar bone, nibbling on his nipples.

After a good while of this, Brian pushed Matt down on his back with a growl. He palmed him through his trousers. ‘You’re fit to burst,’ he said. Matt drew a sharp breath. Even through the layers of fabric, Brian’s hand on him made him twitch in his pants. ‘Want me to help you with that?’ Brian whispered.

Matt nodded and released a small whimper by way of response.

Brian lowered his head and nibbled lightly on Matt’s neck while he undid his trousers and slid his hand inside. In the end, it only took a few strokes, and Matt had to bite down on his own knuckles to keep himself quiet as the orgasm shook him. Then he returned the favour. This he could do. It was the same as if he were to do it to himself, and Brian seemed to like his style, because it didn’t take long for him, either. Afterwards, they lay still for a long while in a tangle of limbs, catching their breath. Matt felt happier than he could remember having felt in his entire life.

---

 

Part Two: Bedding

 

For the week to come, most every evening passed the same way, save Thursday and Monday, when they both trained Jitsu. They would snog and explore each other’s bodies, test the limits of their self-control. They practiced keeping quiet, competed about who could hold out the longest when they got each other off, seeing who would close their eyes or look away first, who would be the first to fall apart. Usually, Matt lost.

It was Friday morning, and Matt was in the kitchen having breakfast while his mother read the newspaper.

‘Mum?’

‘Mm?’

‘I was wondering… Could I stay over at Brian’s house tonight? I have this essay and he said he’d help…’

His mother glanced at him over the top of the newspaper. ‘On a Friday night?’

‘Well, no… We’d watch movies and stuff tonight, and then he’d help me with the essay in the morning.’

‘Hm…’ His mother frowned. ‘Don’t you think you’re spending an awful lot of time with this Brian? He’s a lot older than you.’

‘Three years isn’t a lot!’ Matt protested. ‘He’s nice. He’s a youth club leader. And he’s my friend… I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I haven’t actually got an awful lot of those.’

Bingo.

‘Well, I suppose it’s all right,’ said his mother, folding up the paper with a sigh. ‘I’ll have to ring his parents to confirm, though.’

She did. They did. And that evening, after helping Brian clean up and close the youth club (an activity accompanied by a lot of kissing and groping), Matt was once again on his way to Brian’s house.

They had tea with Brian’s parents before retreating to his room. A mattress had been laid out for Matt. They promptly ignored it, opting for Brian’s bed as their harbour.

They fell into it in a tangle of limbs.

It felt very good and just a bit naughty to be doing these things right under their parents’ noses, pretending to be studying when really Brian was currently curled around him like a great big cat, licking at his earlobe.

When they were both sated, they changed into their pyjamas and took a break in favour of the promised movie watching. They were about half way through Die Hard when Brian’s parents came to tell them good night and not to stay up too late.

Towards the end of the movie, they had both forgotten to watch it and were instead snuggled up on the sofa under a blanket, kissing and caressing one another. Matt felt a shiver run down his spine when Brian purred, ‘Let’s go to bed.’ There was a promise in those words.

They retreated to the bedroom, crawled into bed and turned out the light, and soon Brian was kissing him, biting him, undressing him.

‘I think we’ve reached the inevitable point in our relationship,’ he rumbled, ‘where it’s time I stop holding back. Would you like me to stop holding back?’

Matt could barely think. The feel of Brian’s lips on his skin was intoxicating. But he still managed a shaky, ‘Yes.’

‘I’m going to fuck you,’ Brian whispered in his ear. ‘I’m gonna wreck you. Do you want me to do that?’

‘Oh, God, yes…’ Matt whimpered.

‘This is what you wanted all along, isn’t it?’ Brian said hoarsely against Matt’s throat, flicking his tongue out to tease his skin while his hands wandered lazily down Matt’s bare chest. ‘I could see it almost from the moment we met. The moment you first looked at me. I knew you wanted me like this. Didn’t you?’

‘Yes,’ Matt gasped. He had thrown his head back to grant Brian better access to his throat, and his eyes were shut tight. He panted as Brian’s fingers brushed over his nipples. ‘I want you…’

Brian pulled Matt’s pyjama bottoms off him, and then slipped a finger inside the waistband of his pants. ‘Are you sure?’ he murmured, tweaking Matt’s nipple between forefinger and thumb.

‘Oh, fuck, yes, I’m sure!’

He heard Brian chuckle and opened his eyes to look at him. Intense, grey eyes stared back, unwavering, as Brian pulled Matt’s pants off him, leaving him naked. Then he kissed and nibbled a trail down Matt’s throat, via his collar bone and down his chest and stomach. Matt whimpered.

Brian took hold of a pillow and, indicating for Matt to lift his bum off the mattress, wedged it underneath, propping him up. Then he grabbed Matt’s ankles, pushing them upwards and spreading his legs wide. Brian drew a sharp breath, looking down at him. The sound served to make Matt’s heart rate increase further. He felt a tightening in his gut and he whimpered again.

‘Christ, Matt, just look at you…’ said Brian softly. ‘You’re fucking perfect.’

The words struck Matt straight at his core, and he thought for a moment he might cry, but then Brian’s fingers began to caress the inside of his thigh in slow circles, and Matt forgot about everything else as the hand moved closer and closer to his arse.

When Brian finally touched him there, it sent a virtual shock through Matt’s body and he moaned loudly. At once, Brian pressed two fingers to Matt’s lips.

‘Shh,’ Brian whispered. ‘You have to keep quiet, now.’

Matt nodded, holding back a strangled whimper, and opened his mouth, taking Brian’s fingers into his mouth, sucking and licking at them.

‘Oh, fuck!’ Brian gasped. He groaned softly. ‘How the hell did your little virgin self get to be this filthy?’

Then Brian hoisted Matt’s right leg over his shoulder and lowered his head, and time and place lost all meaning. The wet, hot feel of Brian’s tongue caused Matt’s whole body to tighten, sending spasms through him, and he bit down on Brian’s fingers, causing Brian to make a noise in the back of his throat, sending further vibrations up Matt’s spine.

Matt shivered and shuddered, his breath catching in his throat as he released strangled sounds, trying to keep quiet.

Brian retracted his tongue and pulled his fingers out of Matt’s mouth. Matt whined a soft complaint, propping himself up on his elbows and pouting at Brian. Brian only smiled and reached over to his night stand, pulling open the drawer and taking out a tube.

He sat back on his haunches and unscrewed the cap, squeezing a drop of something thick and viscous out onto his finger.

‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Try to relax.’

Matt grasped the sheets, gasping and gritting his teeth. It felt weird, but good, too. His hips bucked of their own accord as he pushed back.

‘You all right?’ Brian whispered. Matt couldn’t bring himself to answer, so instead he just nodded, pulling shallow breaths, trying to control his heartbeat.

Brian withdrew his fingers, and Matt found himself able to breathe again. He watched as Brian removed his pyjamas and his pants. He got a condom out of his nightstand and rolled it onto himself. He squirted a little more lube out onto the tip of his prick. Then he lay down on top of Matt, stroking his face gently with the back of his fingers. Matt shivered, Brian’s weight pressing him down into the mattress, making him feel warm and safe and good.

‘Ready?’ Brian asked softly.

Matt swallowed. ‘No,’ he said weakly. ‘But… yeah.’

Brian smiled at him. Then he pushed.

Slowly, he sunk inside Matt, and Matt flailed, searching for something to grasp with his hands, settling for Brian’s upper arm. It hurt. Oh, God, it hurt! It sent a shockwave of mingled pain and pleasure through his body. It was the most intense thing he’d ever felt.

‘You’re doing so well,’ Brian whispered in his ear, licking his earlobe. ‘Just a little further… Relax, it’s okay…’

Matt tried to relax, and then suddenly Brian was bollocks deep inside him, and Matt bit his lip so hard it bled in order to prevent himself from crying out.

Brian gave him his fingers to suck on again, and Matt gratefully took them into his mouth.

Brian fucked him slowly, pulling almost all the way out and then sinking back inside. Now that it was happening, Matt wasn’t entirely certain whether he was actually enjoying it. Not until Brian wiggled his hips and hit something that made Matt gasp and nearly choke on his own tongue.

‘There, that’s it,’ Brian murmured, pushing at that same spot again, and Matt clawed at his shoulder. He felt his gut tighten, felt shivers course through his body, all the hairs on his arms standing on end, the prickly feeling of goosebumps on his scalp. ‘You are so fucking beautiful and tight and amazing,’ Brian whispered. ‘Come for me!’ He withdrew his fingers from Matt’s mouth and kissed him instead, swallowing his whimpers and moans. His hand moved down to grasp Matt’s prick and the touch was enough to send him over the edge, his body clenching up. After that, Brian allowed himself to lose control, fucking into him harder and faster, hissing out a string of profanities until he came as well.

After a few minutes of catching their breath, Brian propped himself up on his elbow. He carded his fingers through Matt’s hair and kissed his cheek. ‘How are you feeling?’

Matt smiled. ‘Good,’ he said.

‘Was it good?’

‘Yeah… Really good… It hurt, but… yeah. It was amazing.’

Brian grinned. Then he pulled out and discarded the condom. He took a pack of kleenex from his nightstand and gave it to Matt so he could clean himself up a bit. Then they slid under the covers and, before he knew it, Matt was fast asleep.

---

What followed for Matt was a more or less constant state of combined soreness and sexual arousal. He continued to go to Brian’s place almost every evening and spent most of every day daydreaming about their next encounter. His marks suffered as a result, something he was, for the time being, able to keep from his parents. Brian taught him new things most every night, taught him the art of loving, as much of a cliché as that sounded in Matt’s head.

They spent so much time together and shagged so frequently that Matt quite began to consider Brian his boyfriend, even if no such words had been spoken between them. Which was why what happened next came as such a shock to him.

About a month had passed since that night, and Matt arrived at the youth club, looking around for Brian. When he didn’t see him, he sauntered off to the music room. The door was slightly ajar, and Matt peeked inside.

On a Line 6 amp sat a boy with long, curly hair cradling a red Stratocaster. His head was tilted slightly upwards, his lips attached to those of the boy standing behind him. Brian. Matt’s Brian, who was bent forward with his arms around the other boy’s neck, kissing him deeply.

Matt gripped the door handle in shock, and the door moved a fraction of an inch, creaking loudly. Matt cursed under his breath. Brian released the boy and looked up. He smiled widely upon discovering Matt.

‘Matt!’ he said. ‘Come on in. Meet Dom, he’s our new guitarist.’

Matt didn’t want to come inside. Matt wanted to run away and cry, hide somewhere and wait for death. But Brian’s smile was so earnest and so kind, and Matt stepped inside the room, greeted Dom as politely as he could and then everything seemed back to normal for a while, until the club closed and Matt was alone with Brian again. He wasn’t sure of exactly what he wanted to say to him, but when Brian set off for the broom cupboard, Matt grabbed his sleeve to stop him.

Brian fixed him with a questioning look. Matt swallowed. ‘So…’ he began. ‘Dom… Are you and he…’

‘Are we shagging?’ Brian finished for him. ‘Not yet.’

‘But you probably will,’ said Matt. ‘Like you and me?’

Brian cocked his head to one side. ‘Maybe not quite like that, but yeah,’ he said. ‘Matt, what—’ He cut himself off. ‘Ah. You thought—’

‘No,’ said Matt quickly. ‘I didn’t, I just…’

Brian sighed, and pulled Matt into a hug. ‘I’m sorry, kiddo,’ he said softly. ‘I did warn you this wasn’t a very good idea… Guess I was hoping you’d get over it.’

Matt pulled a shaky breath, breathing in Brian’s scent. ‘I guess I didn’t,’ he mumbled. ‘Sorry.’

‘No, this is my fault. I should have been clearer.’ Brian released him from the hug and held him at arm’s length. ‘You okay?’

Matt shook his head. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I think I will be, though.’

Brian ruffled his hair fondly. ‘Good.’

‘I don’t think I can see you anymore,’ said Matt, surprising himself.

‘I figured,’ said Brian, and he looked genuinely saddened by it. ‘I’m gonna miss you.’

‘I’m gonna miss you more,’ Matt countered, trying for a brave smile, which mostly turned out watery. ‘I’ll see you around,’ he said.

‘Yeah,’ said Brian. ‘Goodbye kiss?’

Matt considered for a moment. ‘Better not.’

And that had been that. Matt stopped attending youth club. He changed Jitsu groups so he wouldn’t have to pass Brian in the corridors anymore, and only ever saw him at grading ceremonies and competitions. With time, Matt made new friends, and by the following autumn, he had become known as the most notorious flirt in school, applying the skills Brian had taught him to great success, on both boys and girls. Time passed, he thought of Brian less and less and was stronger for it.

---

 

Part Three: Onwards

 

‘I… Fine. Sorry, but who are you?’ Brian’s easy smile was gone, and instead he squinted through the semi-darkness at Matt, as if trying to place him. ‘You do look familiar, I guess,’ he conceded.

‘I should hope so,’ said Matt, smiling. ‘I guess it wasn’t really a big thing for you, but I was only fourteen at the time.’

Brian’s eyes widened. ‘Matt?’ he said softly. Then, ‘Matt!’ His face split into a grin, and he clapped a hand on Matt’s shoulder. ‘Fucking hell, is that really you? You grew up, didn’t you?’

Matt smiled and shook his head. ‘Yeah, I guess I did,’ he said.

‘Where have you been? What have you been up to?’

‘Oh, not much. Moved out of the city last year with my parents. To Windfield Green, tiny place. Back in Brum to visit a friend for the weekend, saw you guys were playing, figured why the hell not.’

‘Well, the show we’ve got planned is gonna rock your socks,’ Brian promised him. His hand lingered on Matt’s shoulder. ‘Are you still doing Jitsu?’

‘Er, yeah. Not as frequently as I used to, though… But I’m playing in a band now.’ Matt smiled.

‘Excellent! What do you play?’

‘Bass.’

‘That’s my boy!’ said Brian with a grin. ‘We should do a gig together sometime, if you guys get any good.’ He paused, studying Matt’s face for a moment. ‘Hey, you and your friend wanna party with us after the gig? We’re off to Ste’s place over in Perry Barr later. There’s plenty of booze. We could, um… catch up?’ He left it implied, stroking Matt’s shoulder lightly with his thumb.

For a moment, Matt was tempted. Tempted to see what had really become of Brian, what he was like now. He had never been a bad person. He had even tried to be responsible at some point. He was just careless, and somewhat lacking in self-insight. Perhaps now that Matt was older, they really could make a go of it, or at least have some fun.

But then he glimpsed a flash of ginger in the crowd, and he remembered Devon, and how much he’d been looking forward to seeing him. He thought of his moss green eyes and clever, freckled hands.

And then he thought of Alan, and his robust frame, so perfectly adept at holding—holding him down when the moment called for it, holding him tightly, holding him gently as they drifted off to sleep—and suddenly Brian, now several inches shorter than Matt himself, seemed so very small and colourless and boring.

Matt smiled at him. ‘Maybe next time, yeah?’ he said. The bartender set down a pint of lager on the counter before him, and he picked it up. ‘Cheers for the drink.’

Brian’s grin only faltered for a split second. Matt only noticed because he knew that face so well, even after all this time. He had studied it daily for months, after all.

‘Any time!’ said Brian good-naturedly, and clapped Matt on the shoulder one more time, before removing his hand. ‘Give us a ring some time.’

‘Will do,’ said Matt, inclining his head. Brian picked up the tray that had appeared before him, laden with drinks and several bags of salt & vinegar crisps, and vanished into the crowd. Matt took a sip of his beer. Then he set it down as, a moment later, Devon materialised out of the crowd and hugged him tightly.

‘Fuck me, I’ve missed you!’ said Devon into his shoulder. ‘It’s been fucking ages, man!’

‘I know,’ said Matt, hugging him back. ‘Good to see you.’

Devon released his grip and grinned up at him. ‘Oh, you have no idea!’ He turned towards the bar and ordered a cider. Then he turned back to Matt again. ‘All right?’

‘Yeah, great,’ said Matt, smiling. ‘The country life is growing on me. You?’

‘Can’t complain,’ said Devon, taking a sip of his cider. ‘So, the band any good?’

‘Yeah, they’re all right,’ said Matt. ‘I knew their bassist in another life.’

‘You used to shag him, you mean.’

Matt chuckled. ‘Something like that.’

Devon grinned at him. ‘Been shagging anyone recently?’

‘Just the one for a while now.’

‘Ah.’ Devon fell silent for a moment. ‘So, am I getting any tonight?’

Matt considered for a moment. Then he put an arm around Devon’s shoulder and ruffled his hair. ‘Play your cards right.’

‘I’m topping.’

‘No, you’re not.’ Matt took another sip of his beer and smiled.

Only Alan gets to top.

---

‘So, how was Birmingham?’ asked Alan, handing Matt his cigarette back. They were standing around a corner outside college, where they could smoke and talk in peace. It was Monday.

‘All right,’ said Matt, shrugging. ‘Went to a gig. Hung out with my friend Devon.’

‘Good gig?’

‘Decent.’

Matt took a pull on his fag, breathing in deeply, letting it burn his lungs. Exhaling the smoke, he glanced at Alan. ‘I saw Brian.’

Alan looked up at him sharply, his expression unreadable. ‘That Brian?’

Matt nodded. ‘It was his band playing. I ran into him at the bar. It was weird. He didn’t recognise me at first.’

Alan looked away. ‘Did you and he…?’

Matt released a snort of laughter, flicking some ash from the end of his cigarette. ‘No,’ he said. ‘He… offered. I turned him down.’

‘Oh.’

‘I did shag Devon,’ Matt admitted, studying Alan’s face for some sort of reaction. There was none.

‘Have fun?’ was all Alan said.

Matt shrugged. ‘He’s good with his hands. And very cute. You should meet, I think you’d like him.’

‘I doubt it,’ said Alan, shuffling his feet.

Matt raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Not jealous, are you?’

‘No!’ said Alan, perhaps a bit too quickly. ‘When did I say you couldn’t shag whomever you bloody well please?’

‘You didn’t.’

‘That’s right,’ said Alan, looking up at him. ‘I didn’t.’

There was a brief silence.

‘Have you been shagging anyone else?’ Matt asked casually.

Now it was Alan’s turn to laugh. ‘Who?’ he scoffed. ‘Only two people besides you I know who are into this kind of thing are in a committed relationship with each other, and it’s not like I’m really out in the strictest sense…’

‘Aww, poor Alan!’ said Matt and reached out to ruffle his hair.

‘Damn right,’ said Alan, snatching Matt’s cigarette away and stealing a drag.

‘Wanna come over tonight?’ asked Matt.

‘Didn’t you get enough this weekend?’ Alan retorted with a half smirk. ‘Thought you said this Devon was good with his hands.’

Matt shrugged. ‘I was topping.’ He left the rest implied, and felt a wave of smugness when Alan swallowed audibly and shifted his feet, obviously getting the gist of Matt’s unspoken request.

‘I can’t,’ said Alan. ‘Susanne and me are…’ He trailed off.

‘What?’

Alan sighed exasperatedly. ‘Watching Disney movies,’ he mumbled.

Matt laughed. ‘Aww, that’s cute!’

‘Shut it, you!’ Alan growled, his ears glowing scarlet. ‘It’s not funny… She makes me duet with her on A Whole New World like some kind of—’ He cut himself off, clearing his throat. Matt chose to ignore his near slip into the territory of homophobic slurs.

‘Now, that I’d like to see!’ he said instead, smirking.

‘You really wouldn’t. I can’t sing for shit.’ Alan handed the cigarette back and looked down at his feet. ‘Thursday?’ he said after a moment’s thought.

‘Can’t wait,’ Matt replied. He finished the cigarette and put it out with his boot. Then he looked around. There was no one about, so he turned to Alan and pecked him lightly on the lips. ‘Better get inside.’

‘Yeah.’

---

Matt lay propped up on his elbow, tracing circles in Alan’s chest hair with his fingertips.

‘That tickles,’ Alan muttered sleepily.

‘Sorry,’ said Matt, but made no move to stop. Alan grasped his hand in his, holding it still, and glanced up at him with his Daniel Craig blue eyes.

‘School night,’ he mumbled. ‘Sleep now.’

‘Yeah, okay.’ Matt sat up and leaned over him to switch off the lamp on the bedside table. Then he slid down under the covers next to Alan, draping one arm across his chest, entwining their legs.

‘Are you gonna stay like that?’ said Alan gruffly. ‘You’re like a furnace, you know.’

‘It’s a narrow bed,’ said Matt simply.

‘Not that narrow.’

‘Shut up. Go to sleep.’

There was silence for a little while.

‘Matt?’

‘Mm?’

‘Why did you turn Brian down?’

Matt smiled. ‘Lots of reasons.’

‘Like what?’

‘Didn’t feel right,’ said Matt. ‘Me and him… It was a long time ago. I was in love with him. I’m not now, but… Felt better not to go there. ’Sides…’ He hesitated. ‘He’s not you.’

He could feel Alan’s heartbeat under his wrist, and it seemed to pick up speed ever so slightly.

‘Devon’s not me either,’ said Alan.

‘Devon’s… a bit of fun. And that’s all he’s ever been. We’re great friends, but we haven’t got any kind of feelings for each other. With Devon it’s superficial, and it doesn’t really mean much. I always top. He’s so responsive. He’s fun to play with, and cute as hell, but that’s as far as it goes. It’s fun, but it’s not special, and we’re both cool with that.’

Matt paused and swallowed, feeling suddenly like he was overstepping his bounds. Since that first night nearly six months ago, Alan and he hadn’t spoken about what this was. They’d agreed to do it again—and they had, repeatedly, and in most every way imaginable—but they had never discussed what they were really doing, or where it was leading. It had been a long time since Matt had had feelings for someone in this way. He’d had crushes, but with Alan he felt comfortable in every way, and they fit together just right.

Oh, well. He might as well take the plunge.

‘With you, every time is special,’ he whispered. ‘Every time means something. You… you mean something to me, Alan. I think it took seeing Brian again to make me realise that. Cause I didn’t feel anything, seeing him. He was just another bloke, somewhat pathetically coming on to me, and he didn’t matter one bit because he wasn’t you.’

Alan said nothing. Matt could still feel his heartbeat, faster now. He drew a deep breath.

‘I guess what I’m trying to say is… if you wanted me to not shag anyone else… that would be okay.’

The bed creaked slightly as Alan turned over on his side, facing Matt. He reached up, slowly, to run his fingers gently through Matt’s hair. Then he kissed him with his firm lips, pulled at his hair until Matt whimpered, suddenly hard again. It was like Alan was claiming him for his, and when he broke contact Matt felt dizzy.

‘So?’ Matt said breathlessly.

‘Yeah,’ said Alan. ‘I’d be okay with you shagging just me.’

Matt smiled. It was as close to a declaration of love as Alan Bradford was ever likely to give anyone.

‘Well, then,’ said Matt, clearing his throat, ‘that’s decided, then.’

Then they fucked again, sealing the deal, both keeping as quiet as they could so Matt’s parents wouldn’t hear them, and even though they didn’t do anything they hadn’t done before, even though it was always special, and it always felt good, something made it feel even better, even more special, even more powerful than usual.

When it was over, Alan drifted off to sleep and Matt lay in his arms, feeling different. He felt like something important had just happened. Whatever it was, he liked it.

Matt’s last conscious thought before sleep claimed him was, Only Alan gets to top. Only Alan gets to anything.