The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 7 - 38. Chapter 38

- You know...sometimes life makes it perfectly clear that no matter how hard you try to plan and strategize and get things to go your way...it's ultimately out of your control.

Today was one of those days, I think.

Don't get me wrong...I was able to get some enjoyment out of tonight. I'm not really complaining. At least I don't think I am. I just wish I had a little bit of a warning ahead of time. Maybe I would have had some idea as to how to react. How to handle things better. Maybe I would have had something ready to say. Something special. I would have had time to think, right? I don't know. Maybe I deserved every little surprise that I got today. I'm too exhausted to get my head going in circles about that right now, though.

The sun was shining bright this morning. My mom had bacon and eggs and stuff cooking on the stove for breakfast. The aroma practically kicked me in the face and forced me out of bed. Well...as soon as my morning boner went down, that is. I don't know what I was dreaming about, but I'm glad I woke up before I found myself making another mess. I swear...I can't get rid of my sperm fast enough before it starts bubbling over again in my sleep! Geez!

We were both sitting at the table, my mom and I, and she had the radio on in the background. There was something cozy about the whole morning, you know? And she seemed to be in a good mood. So...and I don't know what made me do this all of a sudden...I took the opportunity to ask her about going to the party tonight. I would have asked last night, but I wasn't sure how she would react. I mean, I don't have the best record with my parents when it comes to me and partying. After not-so-secretly polluting the house with a party while she was out of town, and then coming home a staggering drunk after my fifteenth birthday fiasco...I was worried that she might have put me on her permanent 'no party' list.

The funny thing, though...? When I told her that I wanted to go out tonight, she hardly batted an eye. She was like, "Ok. That's alright."

It crossed my mind that I might want to leave it alone and not push it any further. But it was so easy to get her to give in that I suspected something was up. I kept waiting for her to...I dunno...ask more questions or something.

I was like, "Are you sure? I mean, it's ok, right?"

She says, "Your curfew is midnight. Not a minute after." She barely took her eyes off of her coffee. It's not that she doesn't care, I think I just expected more of a hassle this time around. Then again, I'm not exactly a wild child, either. Maybe she trusts me, Hmmm...weird.

The phone rang shortly after breakfast, and Jimmy was on the line. He was asking if it was ok to come over to my house and hang out for a little while before the party. I guess that he didn't really have much going on today, and neither did I, so why not? You know? He sounded excited about tonight, so I told him that it was cool with me if he wanted to stop in. I was going to the mall to pick up some blank DVDs while they were still on sale, but after that, I figured it would be fun to have Jimmy over for a while.

I thought about it some more...and I sorta thought back to Stevie, and Bobby and Ian...and I walked back into the kitchen again. Was it curiosity that I felt? I don't know. But something in me just wanted to give the idea an experimental push. Nothing major. Just a little something to test the waters to see what she does.

I was like, "That was Jimmy on the phone..." I'm sure she knows exactly who Jimmy LaPlane is. And, naturally, she knows that he's 100% gay. So I said, "He's coming to the party with me tonight..." I made sure to watch her eyes. Always watch the eyes.

She smiled and said, "Oh, well that's nice. Is he feeling better these days?"

I'm like, "Yeah. He's much better." Then I waited for her to say something else.

Isn't she...even a little bit suspicious?

I said, "He wanted to come over a bit early. Soooo...we might just hang out in my room for a while before we go. You know...together..."

She's like, "Well, I really hope you two have a good time tonight. The weather's beautiful. I'm sure it will do you both some good to be out and about."

Ugh! Really, Mom? Come on! I'm having a GAY boy over to the house! To hang out in my bedroom! I'm taking him as my DATE to a party on a Saturday night! How am I not setting off all sorts of bells and whistles in her mind right now???

I could see if it was just me and Sam hanging out on a Sunday afternoon, but this is a totally queer situation. I mean...isn't it?

I don't know. I guess...a part of me was hoping that she'd just come right out and ask me. You know? I may not have any clue as to how start some big 'coming out' confession to her or anything (I HARDLY see myself having the guts to do all that)...but if she asked me...just plain out asked me...

...I think...in a spontaneous moment of weakness...I might be actually able to say 'Yes, Mom. I'm gay'.

Or at least nod my head and run away in a panic before she started crying.

One of those two.

But...as I stood there looking for the question to just casually come up...I found myself quickly running out of hints to give her. So I ducked back behind the corner and just went back to my room. Funny...I didn't even realize that I was holding my breath until I was safely out of that kitchen and out of sight again. I think I was still really nervous and twitchy about it...but, honestly? During those few shaky seconds in that kitchen, I felt like I actually could have done it. And...wow...I don't think that I've ever felt that way before. It was the weirdest sensation.

Scary. But in that exhilarating, roller coaster, kinda way. If that makes sense. It actually made me smile a little bit...knowing that I was one curious question away from being free from all this madness. Free from the pressure and the secrets and the paranoia. There was a time when I was sure that I'd die with this big unsolved mystery on my shoulders. Now? I'm not so sure.

Then came the most frustrating part of my day...

Seriously...

I took the bus out to the mall, just like I said I would. I grabbed my DVD blanks and was just kinda looking around on my way back to the upper level so I could catch the next bus back home. And wouldn't you know it...I SAW him! I just happened to glance over to my left...and I see Randall just walking around the mall, shopping for shit. To be honest, I didn't know what to do with myself. I mean, do I ignore him? Should I be angry? Should I give him a dirty look and keep going? I had no idea. I just know that he not only played me for a total sucker, but then he vanished on me and told me to leave him and his boyfriend, Lee, alone. What the hell does THAT mean?

Maybe I had no right to be upset. Maybe Randall actually did me a favor. There was a part of me that realizes it would be better if the two of them were together and happy instead of all three of us being alone and miserable. But there was another part of me that found itself walking over there to ask him why the hell he would do that to me in the first place.

That's really all I wanted to know. Just that part.

Then I'll leave it alone...

...Maybe...

I didn't even say anything at first. Instead, I just stood right there next to him and waited for him to see me.

His expression changed when he saw my face, and he's like, "Whoah...uhh...hey, Billy."

What the? I'm like, "Hey, Billy? That's what you have to say to me right now?"

I might have been in a totally different frame of mind the last time Randall and I saw each other face to face, but having him totally 'play' me the way he did...it just plain sucked.

Knowing that he was caught, Randall was like, "You know...I know what you're going to say. And I just want you to know that it was nothing personal, ok? I know you may not believe me, but it's the truth."

I said, "How can this not be personal? I mean...were you planning this the whole time?"

Looking for a bit more privacy, Randall put the stuff he was looking at back on the store shelf and walked out into the hallway with me. He's like, "It didn't start out that way, ok? Look, Billy, you're a really nice guy and all...and I wasn't just trying to break you guys up the entire time. It's just...Lee and I...we're kinda connected."

I'm like, "What does that even mean?"

He says, "Sometimes...we wander away from each other for a little while, but...there are feelings there that never go away. It's like...we need each other." I seriously gave him a look of utter disbelief. Was he serious? That's the most bullshit answer in the history of bullshit answers. Randall told me, "I wasn't trying to be mean, dude. But, come on...face it, Billy...you dropped the ball. All is fair in love and war, you know?"

I said, "Un-fucking-believable..."

He's like, "Tell me I'm wrong. You had him in the palm of your hand and you acted like you didn't even want him. You barely talked to him, you blew him off on more than one occasion, and then, just when he's ready to make an effort to be a better person in order to get your attention...you just dump him at the drop of a hat and walk away. Over the phone, no less."

Could I deny it? When I really think about it, as upset as I was over what happened, I can look back at the pages of this book...and all I wrote, over and over again, was how little emotion I was receiving from Lee when compared to what I was willing to give him in return. What I felt I deserved from someone that I wanted to be a partner. I thought about that night outside of the movie theater...just trying to get him to open up a little bit. Just wanting a little affection and being honest with him about it. And he couldn't do that for me. He refused. And I didn't expect him to ever change after that night. I can't spend my life trying to pry someone's heart open with a crowbar for the simplest of things. So, yeah...maybe I was a little bit cold to him the second time around. Maybe I lost sight of what I wanted from him in the first place. But Randall could have talked to me. Hell, I probably would have helped to set them back up personally.

Nah, who am I fooling? I would have fucked Randall silly and kept moving. I was in a dark state of mind at the time. But still...

I said, "So that's it? You just screwed me over, and you're just gonna be, like, 'Sorry. No hard feelings'?"

He says, "Yeah. Basically." Then he rolls his eyes and he's like, "Don't pretend that you're sore about this. I'm willing to bet that Lee didn't even cross your mind until a few minutes go when you saw me standing here."

I said, "Is that supposed to be some kind of point?"

He's like, "That's EXACTLY what it is. A point. You totally bailed on him. And you know it. Maybe you had your reasons, I get that. But you weren't thinking about how he felt about it. You weren't considering his feelings at all. And hey, I'm not complaining. More opportunities for me to have him all to myself. Just don't act like you were mercilessly betrayed by either one of us, because you weren't. All you had to do was pay Lee some attention, and he could have been all yours. But you gave him up. And now it's my turn to make him happy." Despite the anger in my expression, I felt a touch of pain in my heart. A raw ache. A pinch of humiliation. I think that, deep down, Randall was right. Lee was mine..and I let him go. I didn't want to let Randall know that, though. He softened his voice and said, "Billy...I know that something is going on with you right now. I mean, when I met you for the first time...you seemed so different. Happy and caring and...I don't know, you just had this glow about you. I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees it. I know Lee saw it. But something must have happened to you since then, because a lot of that glow is gone. Not all of it, but a lot."

I said, "Let's just say that I've been...trying to find a new 'me'."

He's like, "There was nothing wrong with the old one." Then he says, "Lee is cute. He's fun and he's sweet and he's popular...he makes every outing feel like some kind of great adventure. But you weren't in love with him. You knew that from the very beginning, didn't you?" I didn't give him an answer. But sometimes, no answer is answer enough. Randall said, "Whatever it is that you lost...Lee isn't going to fill that space. Neither am I. Nobody will. No matter how hard you try. No matter how many beautiful boys you burn through...the heart wants what it wants. And I may be an asshole for doing what I did the way I did it...but, truth be told, my heart wants Lee. For real. Not just to fill a void or to pass the time. He's not a 'substitute' for me. He's more than me just not wanting to be alone. He makes me happy. Flaws and all. Can you understand that?"

Could I? I don't know. Randall keeps saying that he didn't mean any harm, and I kept trying to be mad at him for it. But wasn't I guilty of the same manipulations and schemes when Stevie and Brandon got together? If I had stolen Brandon back for myself when they first started dating, I'm sure that Stevie never would have crossed my mind again.

Ugh...it sucks to find out that you're the bad guy.

I still say that Randall did a foul thing to me when he didn't have to. But by the time I left that mall, I just wanted to stop thinking about it long enough to get my shit together and not bring myself down any further. Lee's last words to me two weeks ago were 'Fuck you, Billy'. I guess I deserved that. Maybe having his on again, off again, sweetheart back in his life will fill whatever space Lee has left in his heart too. Only time will tell.

Me? I guess I'm still searching....

Yeah. I'll leave it at that. Still searching...

Jimmy came over an hour or two early tonight. We figured that we'd leave about eight o'clock. The party wasn't too far away my house. We could probably walk it in 20 minutes. I could get there faster on my bike, but...we're already going to be some of the youngest people in the room. If we show up on a bike, that's gonna look pretty lame. Besides, we didn't want to get there too early or we'll look like a couple of eager froshman dorks.

I was still kinda looking for my mom to say something about Jimmy and I going out tonight. But, nope. Nothing. I mean, Jesus! Give us a strange LOOK or something, woman! I'm trying to drop a few obvious clues, here! Didn't happen. She treated Jimmy just like he was another one of my playmates from school. Offered us a few snacks, made polite conversation...nothing more. It was kind of disappointing, to be honest.

Maybe if I strip Jimmy naked in my bedroom and start banging him hard enough for the headboard to slam against the wall and the mattress springs to pop, she'll ask some damn questions in this house! Hehehe!

I didn't bother to mention my run in with Randall at the mall today to Jimmy. After the AJ incident, I didn't want to really start talking about me and Lee too. Ugh, he probably thinks I'm such a man-whore. He must be thinking that in the back of his mind somewhere. Still...Jimmy has a habit of letting his eyes linger on me every now and then when we're talking. Even when it's not about anything important. It's just this little taste of loitering infatuation, tinted with the shade of a boyish blush. And just as I notice it...it's gone again. I can't tell if it fades away, or if he's just gotten better at hiding it from me. It's kinda cute though. Flattering.

So ANYWAY....

The PARTY!!!

I don't know when they started, but by the time Jimmy and I had gotten close enough to see the house at the end of the street...the whole block was full of cars, parked back to back, and the front porch and lawn were covered with older teenagers. I don't think it really hit me until that very moment...but this party was kind of a big deal for me. Probably even moreso for Jimmy. I think we both got kind of tense about it when we saw all of the commotion going on. I was just hoping that I was ready for all of this...

Praying that we would fit in, somehow.

God, I hope we find Jamie and Joanna quick in this place. Otherwise, these kids might not even let us through the front door.

Now I started to wonder...is everybody going to think that Jimmy is my date? As psyched as I was about the idea earlier...I think I had lost a little bit of my courage. I mean, my mom pretty much has to love me, no matter what. My peers, on the other hand....? Um...don't think that's in the rule book. Maybe I'd get lucky and they'd accept me like Jimmy. Or...I could end up like Stevie. Taking a nose dive down a flight of stairs. You never know which way these things are going to go when you're in high school. It's always a coin toss.

Then, out of nowhere, Jimmy leans over and says to me, cupping his hand over my ear, "Do you think if Jamie Cross gets drunk tonight I can get him to lay me down on the floor and rub his cock and balls all over my FACE!" Hahahaha!!!!

I'm like, "JIMMY!!! Omigod!" I think that was one of the most shocking things he's ever said to me! I had to stop walking in order to catch my breath from laughing. He must have seen me spacing out with my introspective thoughts, because he did that purposely to snap me out of it.

He says, "You can laugh all you want, but if I see that boy stumble just ONCE tonight, I'm going to stick to him like a second skin for the rest of the night. Hehehe!"

I think we did get a few strange looks as we walked up on the front porch, but nobody stopped us from going inside. I guess they didn't really care. Maybe I was just being paranoid again. Who knows? I just had to believe that after we had been there for a few minutes and blended in with the crowd, some of that weirdness would go away and we could have some fun.

Luckily for us, Jamie and Joanna were standing in the kitchen by the back door, and they welcomed us both with a smile. Jamie gave us a hug! His hugs are orgasmic, you know that! I saw Joanna looking at me with a smirk as he wrapped his arms around me. Hehehe, she knew that my stomach was turning flips from the contact, but thankfully she didn't say anything. It certainly got Jimmy giggling like a madman though! Hehehe!

You know, I'm still not entirely sure whether Jamie Cross knows I'm gay or not, but he was happy to see that I brought Jimmy LaPlane along with me. Again...they were both so casual about the whole thing. I could see Jamie, maybe...but Joanna? She KNOWS that I'm gay! She knows that Jimmy's gay! It never crossed their minds that we might be an item. Not once. Again, Jimmy was treated like one of my 'buddies'. Doesn't anybody pay attention to us? Together? At all? Arrrgh!

Anyway, we mingled for a bit, bopping around to the music for a little bit. And Jamie asked us, "Hey, do you guys want a drink or something?"

I couldn't help it. I instantly started giggling to myself as Jimmy nudged me with his elbow. Jimmy was like, "No thank you. But you help yourself. If you want me to get you another one, I can."

Jamie saw us both snickering, and he said, "What? What's so funny?" He smiled.

I just told him, "Hehehe, nothing. It's weird. You don't want to know." I think Joanna caught on though. She can always sense these things. I can tell because she swatted me on the arm again as they left to go get some refreshments.

I did talk to Jimmy for most of the time that we were there, but it was really cool though. I think Jimmy and I have a lot more in common than I thought we did. Even though we had been hanging out for a while now, I still find new things to like about him every time we get together. That boy has definitely got layers, I can tell you that.

And then....

Sighhh...

It was merely by accident that my eyes began to wander around the room...and landed on 'them'. It was one of those out of control, unplanned, moments that I was talking about.

All the way on the other side of the room, a rather large room, I might add...was Stevie. Sipping a drink from a little red plastic cup. And even though he had his back turned to me at the time...I recognized his date for the evening instantly. And that caused my heart to suddenly stop...and nearly break in two.

I knew the shoulders, the hair, the long legs...he brought Brandon to the party with him. They were there, plain as day. Together. Not really doing anything other than talking...but just seeing them there together was enough to stab me right in the stomach with a rusty emotional blade.

I looked away.

Kept my mouth shut.

Tried to just talk to Jimmy and ignore the whole thing. They were waaaaay over there. This shouldn't affect me at all. Not at all. Who cares? We're not even speaking, right? Brandon hates me. I've spent weeks coming to terms with that, so there's no need for me to relapse now.

I was thinking, 'He's dressed nice. I'll just bet he smells good. Brandon always smells good.'

Why did I keep looking over there. I couldn't help myself. I wanted to stop. It should have been so easy. Aren't I supposed to be mad at him? Shouldn't I be ignoring the hell out of him right now? I shouldn't care. He basically told me to fuck off. I didn't deserve that. With Lee...maybe. But Brandon just hurt me for the sake of hurting me. Because he was in a bad mood or whatever. No...I'm not going to fall for this again. He wanted me to leave him alone...so this is me, leaving him alone.

So...why did I continue to peek over at him every few seconds?

Stevie saw me at the party, and he raised his little red cup to sort of say hello, and that's when Brandon turned around and saw me. Our eyes only met for a second, then we both turned away. Grrr...why did he have to be there tonight? Why did I have to see him? Why did he have to see me? And why....sighhh...why does it feel so good to be able to look at him again?

I felt myself getting nervous, but I wanted to stand my ground. I can just...not pay him any attention. There was a ton of people there, ignoring Brandon should have been easy. I even turned my back to him at one point...but I missed being able to...um...stare.

Am I really that whipped? Where I could take emotional abuse from someone and still drool all over him the second I see him again? It's so not fair. But, like Randall said...sometimes the heart wants what it wants...

At one point, Jimmy caught on to what I was doing, and he was like, "Will you just go over there and talk to him already?"

I'm like, "What?"

He says, "Go over and talk to Brandon." I tried to pretend that I didn't want to, but Jimmy is getting almost as good as Sam is at seeing through my poker face. He's like, "You've been extremely distracted for, like, the past fifteen minutes. Just walk over there and get it over with."

I took another peek over at Brandon, and this paralyzing fear came over me. I shook my head and said, "No. No way. If I talk to him, he's just...going to say something mean to me. I don't need that tonight. I want to have fun."

Jimmy was like, "And are you?"

I said, "Am I what?"

He says, "Having fun?"

I hate it when he's right. I'm like, "No. Not really." Jimmy told me to talk to him, but I said, "This isn't the right time or place for any of that. I mean...he's here with Stevie and all. They're probably back together. I don't want to be a pest..."

Jimmy's like, "You can make weird excuses all night, Billy. But you're going to be miserable if you don't at least give it a shot. I mean, we're at a kick ass party and you're not enjoying any of it at all. Just go."

There was a moment when I thought I should probably have a drink or two first. Maybe the alcohol will help loosen me up a bit. But then I thought back to my birthday party...and I was think, "No...that was the problem last time." No. No alcohol. None. I just need courage. Just a little bit of courage. Just like with my mom this morning, right? A moment of spontaneous hysteria can open the door to...a minor conversation. I mean, maybe he wants to talk to me. Maybe he won't mind. Or....or maybe he's upset that I'm at this party at all. Maybe he thinks I'm stalking him now. That's not good.

God, he's so 'pretty'. Sometimes I forget how 'pretty' Brandon is. From the first time I saw him in that Library chair...I knew that was beautiful beyond words. Not just easy on the eyes...but there was something about his inner being that radiated from his heart and became visible...like the soft glow of a Jack-O'-Lantern. Maybe I can do this. Maybe it's possible.

Jimmy gave me a little push, and I felt my legs go ice cold as I tried to cross the room. I moved through the lightly crowded area, but I didn't dare look Brandon in the eye. I didn't want him to see me coming and run away. Ugh! Why am I doing this? That's what I was thinking the entire time. By the time I had gotten to the wall, I was too nervous to breathe.

Brandon was leaning up against the wall about eight feet away from me, and I turned around to lean against it too.

Neither one of us spoke.

Not for a full minute or two.

But I noticed that Brandon turned his head to give me a look. And he mumbled out a soft, "Hey..."

He avoided my eyes, but I looked back and I said, "Hey..."

Then? Back to silence.

This wasn't going the way I had planned.

Heh...I say that as thought I had a 'plan' to begin with.

I cleared my throat, but it didn't prompt Brandon to say anything else. So what now? I said, "So..." Then I stopped. Then I continued, "...I didn't know that....you know...you and Stevie got back together."

Brandon gave me a shy glance and said, "Oh...no. We're not together. We're just here as friends. I didn't think I'd know anybody here, so..."

He trailed off, and I took a second to look at his profile. I can't believe that I used to kiss those lips. That face. I used to hug those slender hips against me and suck gently on his tongue. God he's 'pretty'!!! Did I say that already! Well...he's 'pretty'.

I cleared my throat again, and I said, "Yeah. I came with Jimmy tonight. But...just as friends. We're not, like...together or anything."

He's like, "Yeah. I know." What does he MEAN 'I know'? He doesn't know that. Jimmy and I could be fucking our brains out! Why is it that NOBODY thinks Jimmy and I couple??? It's possible, ya know?

I moved a little bit closer to Brandon. His voice could be really soft sometimes. Kinda deep, too. I wanted to hear him better, even if we weren't talking much. I pretended to just be reaching for some of the chips in the bowl. I watched as he did the same.

We munched and crunched for a few minutes, and I said, "The chips are good." It was stupid, but it was the only to further postpone the issue at hand, I guess.

Brandon said, "Yeah. I think they're...Cool Ranch or something."

Back to silence.

I think Brandon suddenly decided to give up the pretense, and with a quiet sigh, he said, "You know...you never gave me a chance to apologize." He didn't look at me when he said. I think he was too bashful to. But for some odd reason, I was touched just the same.

I said, "I...I was just..." I didn't know where I was going with that. But he went on.

He was like, "I'm sorry. For what I said to you."

Why was my chest trembling so violently. How is it that Brandon can still have this effect on me after all this time? I said, "....You hurt me."

He looked down at the floor for a moment, but then he actually looked me in the eye, and he said, "I didn't mean to. Not like that. I just...I needed to be...away from you for a while."

I'm like, "Why? I don't understand." I didn't mean to whine when I said it, but...it just sort of came out that way.

He's like, "Because..."

I'm like, "Because why?"

He says, "Because...I don't like this feeling."

Confused, I asked him, "What feeling?"

Brandon looked away from me, then back down at his shoes. He's like, "I don't know. This...this 'feeling'." Then he looked back into my eyes, and he said, "That feeling that...you're all I've got." I had no idea what he meant by that, but...my heart began to beat faster, and I felt my throat beginning to tighten up with an unexpected emotion. Brandon was like, "It's a scary feeling. Thinking that...there may be one...just one...person on the entire planet that can truly make you happy. One person that's everything that you want or need him to be. And it still might not work out for the best. I don't like being so vulnerable. I can't be hurt like that again. I won't survive it."

I told him, "I know that you have NO reason to trust me, Brandon. But...believe it or not...nothing has been the same without you. If I had it to do all over again.."

He interrupted me and said, "You don't have it to do all over again. You just...don't."

Back to silence.

Brandon seemed a little shaky when he said, "Just because Stevie and I broke up, that doesn't mean that I have to come crawling back. There are other boys out there, you know?"

I'm like, "I never said that you were 'crawling back'. I just..." I tried to think and choose my words carefully. But the best I could come up with was, "...I miss you. I miss us."

I couldn't tell if Brandon rolled his eyes or not. He made sure to turn his head away from me. But even if he did, I don't think he meant it. Because a few seconds later, he said, "I miss you too, Billy. I miss you a lot." Then he stood up from the wall and told me, "I just wish I didn't." And he walked away from me. I mean, was that a good thing? A bad thing? What did I say? What should I have said? Where is he going?

Brandon and I didn't cross paths for the rest of the evening. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he and Stevie left shortly after our little conversation. I probably ruined his night like I ruin everything else. It hurt. My heart physically pulsed with a painful ache, and there were a few times when I was worried that I was going to start crying for no reason at all. That was pretty much the end of the party for me. I smiled and made a few jokes, but it was all an act. Nothing even worth writing down in this book, in my opinion.

But you wanna know something? I thought back to Randall at the mall, and suddenly...his answer didn't seem all that bullshit to me. 'Connected'. Is that how he put it? Even stranger is the fact that I flipped back a few pages in this journal of mine...and I felt the same way. That Brandon may be the one and only person that could truly fill my heart with the kind of unlimited joy that most people can only dream about...

...And I lost it.

Love. Trust. Sex. Laughter. Friendship. They can be so fragile. And I didn't appreciate how lucky I was when I had it. Not at all.

There's a part of me that can't stop thinking about him. Brandon misses me. A lot. I miss him too. So what's standing between us. What wall, what great obstacle, has made this so difficult? Maybe Randall was right. My light is almost gone. Brandon was my light. He's what's missing. And I may never be able to get him to forgive me. I think that hurts more than anything.

That's why I can't seem to sleep tonight...

Jimmy never got Jamie Cross to...um...do what he was hoping he would do, heh. But he had a blast, regardless. On the way home, he said, "It would have been nice, having him sit on my face. Hehehe, but I can keep dreaming, I guess."

I said, "So that's your number one fantasy? Having Jamie Cross sit on your face? Hehehe!"

Jimmy blushed a little, and with this really flirty tone, he said, "Well...not my number one fantasy..." I couldn't really tell if that was directed at me or not. I could have asked, but I don't think I wanted to. I just sorta giggled and let it go. But before we split up for the night...um....we shared a really awkward moment. Jimmy was like, "Tonight was awesome, Billy. This was fun. Thanks for making me your 'date' tonight."

I said, "Yeah, well...it was kinda bittersweet for me, but I have to admit that I had fun too. I'm glad you came." He looked at me with this goofy grin on his face, and I was like, "I've gotta get home. Curfew and all."

Jimmy said, "K...." But he said it really softly though. That same lingering infatuation twinkling in his eyes. Then he moves in to give me a hug around the middle. I didn't reject it or anything. I just thought it was....I dunno, a bit weird. He held it for a bit longer than I thought he would, and when he let go...we both kinda moved our heads back and forth for a clumsy moment..and that's when Jimmy kissed me on the cheek. I think....actually, I'm pretty sure...he wanted me to kiss him on the lips. He was just a bit too awkward to pull it off. Did he really think that tonight was a 'date' date? Because it wasn't. He knows that, right? I mean...I made that clear ahead of time....didn't I?

He knows. I'm not getting into that. I think he was just a little horny after spending time with Jamie tonight. That's all. Besides, with both of us avoiding AJ, I'm sure he's looking for a new 'feel good' outlet these days. Maybe I'll mention it later. It won't be a big deal. He knows we're just friends. It was just a moment of magic that didn't quite belong.

Anyway...I think I'm going to make myself a late night snack and watch some TV. Any distraction would be welcome from thinking too much about this Brandon situation.

He misses me. :(

He really thinks about me. Where are we going wrong? Why can't we fix this? If we're so connected, if the love still remains...how hard can it be to put things right?

Sighhhh...I don't know. Maybe nobody knows. But if I'm going to try, I should do it before he finds somebody else. I just hope he realizes....I'm totally vulnerable too.

Whatever...

Later

- Billy Chase