Do Ask, Do Tell! - Operetta Libretto - 1. Act One – Rhythms or Rhymes

LIBRETTO

 

 

Do Ask, Do Tell!

or

Pansies in Arms

A Gilbertonian Operetta

in Two Acts

 

 

‘Wherever it is allowed

to be established as Law

that a man cannot love a man,

it is due to three things:

Malice on the part of the lawmakers,

Tyranny by the leaders,

And cowardice by the people.’

Plato

 

 

 

by

AC Benus

 

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Personal note:

The double nascent germination for the idea of this comedy happened in 2010, the time the Operetta is set. One, Stephen Colbert testified before congress, and two Lady Gaga said she would testify before congress, if called. Colbert spoke before the committee on labor and immigration, but Gaga would want to speak for Same-Sex Marriage. Mash three elements:

1) ‘truth-stranger-than-fiction’ with

2) the bend-over-backwards antics of McCain, Apologist, for DADT

3) and the Who’s-on-first, anything-goes, convolutions of Fox Noise Network, and you have the comedy before you now.

 

 

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Dramatis Personae

 

BS: Branders Scooper – Lyric Tenor. Twenty-something Latino reporter for Vixen ‘News.’ His on-camera persona is of a glasses-wearing, bowtie-sporting Junior Joe Republican. Off camera, he shows the internal riffs his conscience fosters for having to be the mouthpiece of Retrogressive ‘reporting.’ He is deeply in love with his partner of five years. He fears being outed to the sharks within the Vixen network, but is proud of being the youngest anchor on that cable ‘news’ channel. He is jocular, ambitious, a bit short-tempered and very charming in his physicality. He is like a mix of a young Giraldo Rivera, with a dash of Anderson Cooper, trying to pull of an interesting version of Tucker Carlson. He wears a well-tailored suit and bright bowtie.

 

BR: Benjamin Reid – Baritone. Twenty-something enlisted man in the United States Air Force. A classic All-American boy with fine build, trim beltline, and light hair cropped into a crew cut. Partner of Branders, he calms down his husband's high-strung elements. His steady self-possession and good-natured smile wins over almost everybody at first sight. He quietly delights in being the spouse of the man he loves, and whenever he sees Branders, nearly swoon in his presence; and he even loves him enough to tolerate the Vixen byline being so close to home. He lives as out as any enlisted man dares in the legacy of the Bush years, but he is motivated to make things change in his own name for the benefit of others. Think of Matthew McConaughey mixed with a confident version of Reichen Lehmkuhl. He wears his USAF uniform.

 

TM: Toady McBuncombe – Mezzo-Tenor. Fifty-something Senator (and definitely not Gay) leader of the committee investigating ‘queers in the military.’ He, like all of his Retrogressive colleagues, are simultaneously cajoled (with cash donations) by Vixen ‘News’ owner Burdock Murphy, and threatened with broadcast excoriation if they do not tow the network's daily issued talking points (they are expected to act as if the privately-funded propaganda is national business, no matter how ludicrous or backwards, or Un-American the point they are told to make is). Toady’s conscience was scared out of him back in 1982 during his first of many ‘gay-rumor’ press conferences to put down the notion. He lives his political life like a chicken compelled to cross the road – never knowing why he does what he is told, but nervously dodging the tires of cars and trucks about to squash him as seen from his worm's-eye-view. Think of a mixture of the tortured-logic, but take-it-raw John McCain, and the unbearably fey Lindsey Graham. Toady’s Senatorial accent is disturbingly mush-mouth Southern, though he represents a non-southern state. A smidgen of Foghorn Leghorn would lend the character a bit more believability than the actual Senators he is based upon. He is terribly camera-conscious, and favors looking stern for the folks back in his home district. He wears an ill-fitting, wrinkled, off-the-rack suit with a twenty-dollar tie.

 

TT: Taggart Target (tar-JEY) – Lyric Baritone. Late Forties-something sham Retrogressive pundit on the Humor Channel. His over-the-top parodies of Retrogressive backwardness are often so outrageous, they cannot be distinguished from actual talking points issued by the for-profit sponsors of the ‘movement.’

His levelheaded ‘what the hell is going on here?’ delivery endears him to all right-minded people. The inspiration is only one: the man who in 2010 said something on-air along the lines of: “What would the founding fathers say about Gays in uniform? They’d first want to know what all the black folk are doing out of the cotton fields. And who let women think they can vote.”[1] He wears a sham Retrogressive suit, one that fits him. He has prop glasses.

   

DDD: Dame Dam-Dam – Contralto. Fifty-something pop star. A Gay icon from the 1980’s she revived her career at the end of the Bush years to be the hottest ‘new’ star in the world. Her gimmick is fashion extremes, and frequent costume changes, sometimes while people are watching. She loves the Gays who have made her career – twice over – and would do anything to promote respect and dignity for that maligned minority. In this role she despises Burdock Murphy with every fiber of her progressive soul. Her father was one of the founding members of Greenpeace, and she grew up on ship protecting the innocent from perdition. For many Gays she is the paragon of stylish pluck, glamor and stand-on-your-own-two-feet bravery. She is never seen wearing the same thing for very long.

DDE: Dame Dam-Dam Entourage – Four dancers in skin suits (gray or black) who help her facilitate ‘live’ costume changes. They function in the manner of Bunraku stagehands who are seen but not supposed to register as puppet-masters. They have a nose-thumbing attitude to BME.

  

BM: Burdock Murphy – Basso. Sixty-something foreign-born media baron. As a faithful subject under the British Crown, he understands not, nor values in the least, American political values of honesty, hard work and fairness. He has all the money, and thusly thinks he has all the say. Fear is his stock-in-trade. It worked so well for so long in the good old fashioned Yellow Journalism of past times (and indeed it was never legislated out of existence in Britain), that he bought his way to ‘deregulation’ from American Retrogressives. Now he’s free to inflict any old outrageous bunk as ‘News’ on the American public without fear and with all favor to his business causes. He’s riding the crest of his bitter wave, and uses blackmail, threat of scandal, and dyed-in-the-wool fear to make people act against their own best interests.

He wears Ten-Thousand-Dollar suits given to him by Sultans of the Gulf States. He does not recycle.

BME: Burdock Murphy Entourage – Four dancers in dress suits (gray or black) who help facilitate ‘yes men’ support to ‘the old man.’ They function in the manner of Bunraku stagehands who are seen but not supposed to register as puppet-masters. They have a contempt for DDE.

 

QE: Quartet of Enlisted – Two women and two men (one of whom is Benjamin Reid). They represent four branches of the armed services, and the youthful ‘who gives a damn’ generation of soldiers who have no problem with ending discrimination in uniform. They should reflect the services and be racially integrated.

 

QB: Quartet of Old Brass – Heavily ornamented constipated old white men who represent the stalwart top brass with cushioned-seat jobs at The Pentagon. Needless to say, they hate the idea of enlisted personnel being unbiased in any way, and think ‘unit cohesion’ was dealt a serious blow by Truman in ’48. They’re still fighting that one too.

 

MC: Male Chorus – Divided chorus of Tenors, Baritones, and Bass. In Act One, Scene One they play part of the ‘Mob for rent’ protesting outside the capital. Later they play part of the audience at the committee hearings and several of them fill out the ranks of Senators on the panel.

 

FC: Female Chorus – Divided chorus for Sopranos and Altos. In Act One, Scene One they play part of the ‘Mob for rent’ protesting outside the capital. Later some of them play the lovelorn and lonesome Congressional Lady Interns (it seems young men had to be banned from being interns, and none of the Senators pay the girls any interest), and others as audience members.

 

 

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Setting of the Story

 

Action takes place in the Spring 2010. A congressional hearing about ending DADT is being broadcast live by exclusive rights of Vixen ‘News.’ The lackluster pre-hearing ‘protests’ by paid grassroots employees, and the performance by the Network Anchor, prompts a nervous network owner to make sure his voice is heard personally at the hearings.

 

 

Musical Setting note:

 

Being an operetta, spoken dialogue is indicated in un-bolded text. Much attention has been given to the set numbers to achieve a truly Gilbertonian alternate-world where these characters can move about in total freedom of thought and expression. The music, like Sullivan’s, should contrast the text and be shifted to the serious and genuine to bring the total musical/libretto into a believable and emotionally effective balance.

 

 

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Act One – Rhythms or Rhymes

Scene One: “Settled Law”

(The curtain rises on the exterior of the east side of the U.S. Capitol. Stage left is dominated by the arch and steps that lead up to the House of Representatives. In the forestage are picketers with signs. Slogans include: ‘Keep DTDA’ (sic!), ‘Don’t mess with MY military,’ 'Army Brass not Army Rhinestones!’ etc. One protester holds a sign that says ‘Taxed to Death Already!’ until a man with clipboard and football-style headphones rushes up and flips the sign around. The second side says ‘Obama means Abortion in Swahili!’ then a third side says ‘Queers in the closet, not in the Navy!’ Stage right foreground is a camera position with satellite antenna and Branders preparing to go on-air. Most of the protesters are lackluster and unengaged, but when the camera is on them, they enliven to a foment of angry fury, after checking their signs to see what they are protesting against)

 

No. 1 – Chorus of Protesters with Solo and Dance

MC:

We are Rent-An-Instigators –

We have pickets and will travel.

We’re for-hire agitators –

For pay, you can’t beat our rabble.

 

FC:

We are bussed in ‘round where ‘er we go

Air-conditioned comfort for us,

And rooms at Motel-6, you know

With DVD’s right on the bus.

 

MC:

Before the protests get going

They always lay a nice buffet,

All-you-can eat makes it slowing

But the show must go on, they say.

 

MC and FC:

We are to-let Provocateurs –

Angry face right out the stable.

We’re rentable pissed saboteurs –

For pay, we’re willing and able.

 

FC:

Though we never know the reason

Till we have our pickets in hand,

We protest right through the season

From coast to coast throughout the land.

 

MC:

If you need some base right decried

Use for-pay sound bites and images,

Nudge an electorate to decide,

And they’ll vote to ban basic privileges.

 

MC and FC:

We are Rent-An-Instigators –

We surf the rough Conserva-Tide

We’re for-hire agitators –

Sit back, we enjoy the ride.

 

FC:

Now it’s time to get us ‘mobbed up’

For we see the camera coming.

 

MC:

Now hoist those pickets way up

And read what we are protesting.

(camera makes a pass)

 

FC:

(bouncing in pissed-off ire)

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Has served us well –

As far as we can tell,

As loud as we can yell!

(aside)

Don’t ask, don’t tell

Is hard to sell –

For as much as we yell,

It will fall, we can tell.

 

MC:

Now it’s time to go do our dance

For we see the camera panning.

 

FC:

Now step to in our angry prance

And read what we are offering.

 

MC:

(bouncing in pissed-off ire)

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Has served us well –

As far as we can tell,

As loud as we can yell!

(aside)

Don’t ask, don’t tell

Is hard to sell –

For as much as we yell,

It will fall, we can tell.

 

[Solo]

BS:

“Now live from Vixen ‘News,’

Branders Scoop reporting

With our Washington crew.

(Looking around as if impressed)

Throngs mob the scene –

Vixen ‘News’ estimates

A total of Five Thousand –

(some snickers from the protesters)

Shouting heatedly

‘Don’t mess with settled law.’

‘Keep Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell sound.’

(becoming a bit confused – problem: he thought about what he was saying)

But other settled law,

Roe V Wade, knock it down.

No activist judges

To fix such selections,

Except when it fudges

National elections.”

[Protestors Dance]

(making a sweeping gesture to them)

"This crowd behaves itself

With Retrogressive grace

And carry themselves

Prepossessed by the chase."

(crowd gets lively and the lackluster march flows into a carefree waltz. The pickets become a part of the swirling and gracefully bob up and down, swing from partner to partner)

 

FC:

Rackety

Clamorous

Boisterous

Vociferous

Chattery

Thunderous

Boisterous

Tumultuous

Screamery

And Raucous

Boisterous

Cacophonous

 

BS:

"This crowd presents itself

With anti-Progress face

And bury themselves

Deep in the Nation’s home base."

 

MC:

Rickety

Clamorous

Boisterous

Vociferous

Chicanery

Thunderous

Boisterous

Tumultuous

Slapdashery

And Raucous

Boisterous

Cacophonous

(FC and MC divided at first, together in polyphonic unison at recapitulation)

 

MC:

We are Rent-A-Provacators –

We have pickets and will travel.

We’re for-hire Progress-baiters –

For pay, you can’t beat our rabble.

 

FC:

If you ask us our opinions

We’ll tell you all bluntly the truth –

We’re mad about ‘situations’

From Dade County to Duluth!

 

MC:

We get on the bus and are told

Just what we are angry about –

To ask why we’re never so bold,

For cash, Ire’s never in doubt.

(together from: "If you ask..." and "We get on the bus..." etc)

 

MC and FC:

Provocateurs like us are, we know,

Like weeks that are perennial.

Corporate cash makes our grass roots grow,

Long as they pay, we’re adversarial!

 

Scene Two: “Heads Held High”

(Same as above. As the cameraman makes a ‘cut’ signal and lowers the camera, the chorus instantly relaxes, rest their pickets on the ground and mill about, chatting with each other. They slowly drift off stage)

 

[Dialogue]

BS:

How did I look? Was my bowtie straight? (cameraman gives him a hand mirror) Have to keep the trademark feature looking good. When all those loyal, Retrogressive, Vixen ‘News’ enthusiasts tune in at Nine O’Clock to watch Branders Scoop (adjusts his tie) – on his own headline show, The B.S. Report – they know what to expect. No surprises. (to the cameraman)

OK, knock down your equipment, and set up in the Senate Committee chambers. (the crew demurs) I know, I know. The enlisted men and women are supposed to speak next, but Vixen ‘News’ head - Burdock Murphy - gave strict orders not to show them. After all, our slogan, All the ‘News’ that fit to view – and We mean it! says we cannot show anything that gives our viewers ‘mixed messages.’

 

No. 2 – Double Quartet of Enlisted and Brass

(As the camera crews knocks down their setup and exits stage left, Branders strays behind and watches the Enlisted enter from stage right. Branders finds an out of the way spot to watch them. The enlisted take positions on the capitol steps, and while performing, the Brass enter. Branders makes discrete hand gestures to one of the Enlisted)

(a capella until ‘Our Heads Held High’ etc)

QE:

An Enlisted man, and woman too,

Should be proud as an eagle.

We swear with honor and dignity in our duty,

To smile danger in the face –

Our heads held high upon our shoulders,

Our ears pricked to receive our orders,

And our mind made up and firmly resolved

To not have our hearts’ orientation there involved!

 

QB:

Their heads held high upon their shoulders,

Their ears pricked to receive our orders,

And their mind made up and firmly resolved

To not have their hearts’ orientation there involved!

 

QB:

A dedicated Brass officer

Should sternly look to the past

And there sanitize all he sees that just doesn’t fit,

To root our cause for effect –

His head bent low into private lives,

His ears closed to all but shocking jives,

His mind made up and steely resolved

To have enlisted orientation there involved!

 

QE:

His head bent low into private lives,

His ears closed to all but shocking jives,

His mind made up and steely resolved

To have enlisted orientation there involved!

 

QE:

Not as outcasts do we wish to serve,

Despite second-class precedent,

Though we have served from the Revolutionary Times

We’ve yet to be true to us –

Our heads held high upon our shoulders,

Our feet ready to enact our orders,

Our minds free from any fear resolved,

To who we are without prejudice there involved!

("His head bent…" and "Our heads held…" together at recapitulation)

 

Scene Three: “No Mistake”

(Same as above. The Brass pushes past the Enlisted on the stairs, glowering at them until they come to attention and salute. After they pass, BR waves the others on up the steps, and goes down to look for BS. Branders has taken position under the arch of the stairs. Branders and Benjamin alone)

 

No. 3 – Ballad

(pretending not to see Branders; wandering around singing for his love to appear)

BR:

Now tolls the quiet noontime chimes,

In perfect stillness straight above,

Apogee on Earth, the midday climbs,

And sun shines on beloved and love,

Unjudging of rhythms or rhymes.

 

BS:

(emerging from the shadows, moving to BR, who does not turn to face him)

A boy in love with heart on sleeve,

Offers a fond Fa-La to he,

Whom love crowns him to believe,

In the perfect sunlight of we,

Unjudging of rhythm or rhyme.

 

(BS embraces BR from behind. BR turns and they tenderly dance)

BR and BS:

Unjudging of reasons or time,

He shines on beloved and love,

Unjudging of rhythm or rhyme,

We who his perfect sunshine move,

Unjudging of a his or mine.

 

[Dialogue]

(BS suddenly pushes BR to a ‘respectable’ distance and does a quick double take over his shoulders. He inadvertently adjusts his tie)

BR:

What? Can’t a married man be seen in public hugging his husband?

BS:

Not when that man is Sergeant Benjamin Reid, United States Air Force.

BR:

Not when the husband is Branders Scoop of Vixen ‘Propaganda.’ (immediately regretting it) I’m sorry, you left so early this morning – the bed felt lonely without your bow tie (he adjusts it for Branders with a wry smile)

BS:

I didn’t want to wake you, and I thought – I hoped – you’d have thought better of coming here today. Your whole career is at risk.

BR:

You know there’s nothing I love better than the Air Force, besides you, and – God, and – a really good cheeseburger – and that is honesty. If I lose one of those things because of honesty, then at least I still have God, and cheeseburgers – and – you.

BS:

…Necessarily, in that order…?

BR:

(hugging him)

Nope.

BS:

(pushing him again – serious) Ben. Don’t come out today. It’s not worth it. The powers that be are not going to let the military be integrated…there’s too much money at stake, too much power behind the blab, that it can never happen – not now.

BR:

Well, I think you’re wrong – we may not have a Hell-or-High-Water Truman to do the brave signing of an executive order, but we have 'real' on our side – real people who work real hard and deserve to be treated like real human beings – not like some political talking point delivered by some shill…(immediately regretting it)

BS:

(anger building) You know how hard I work – I do what the Network and Burdock Murphy wants – as long as they keep me on-air…

BR:

I’m sorry. Forget it. (changing the subject) Who’s testifying today? Not Burdock?

BS:

He said he’d only come if needed. The good guys are calling up Taggart Target, and believe it or not, Dame Dam-Dam.

BR:

A comedian, and a pop star?

BS:

Committee Retrogressives blocked any testimony from whiteness relative to military progress, so the good guys changed tactics. They’re going straight to the public via tweets and sound bites from people the people know and love. Target because he apes ultra-retrogressive viewpoints on the Humor Channel and Dame Dam-Dam because she’s built a career on the backs of track-buying Queens from coast to coast.

BR:

(half to himself) I wonder how many times she’ll be changing costumes during testimony.

BS:

We’ll see.

BR:

(grabbing his hand) Look. I am sorry. I know you are the youngest News Commentator ever to get his own show. You work hard – you deserve it, but you could be an advocate, a roll-model, if you…

BS:

(grabbing his wrist and holding up BR’s hand aggressively) Don’t come out today. You’ll ruin your career, and you may possibly ruin mine too.

(Branders wrenches his hand free)

 

No. 4 – Duet

[Part One]

BS:

Promise me you’ll not be too rash today –

My Benjamin, too hot for his own good,

His wanderer soul might lead to our downfall.

 

BR:

No Branders, no.

Today they’ll be no mistake –

My mind is made.

Branders, I beg you to see

This issue is bigger than the you or me –

We must help others before we help ourselves.

 

BS:

But what of your career?

 

BR:

I know you’re afraid;

But our country’s future is in backward hands

And at this rate, our kids will have less than us.

 

BS:

Oh, don’t say that, it can’t be that bad .

 

BR:

It is that bad!

I’m coming out…

 

BS:

No – no!

Please listen to me now –

 

[Part Two – Vehement Section]

BS:

Ben, think what you do –

You’ll throw your life away

To join a loosing fray

All reason to outweigh?

Ben, think what you do!

 

BR:

Branders, why argue –

Myself I can’t betray

Beyond the price to pay

I cannot stray

Branders, why argue?

(a due at recapitulation)

 

BS:

Ben, just get a clue!

 

BR:

I can’t be untrue

 

BS:

On reason I inveigh

 

BR:

From truth I’ll never sway

 

BS and BR:

On reason I inveigh

 

BS:

Ben, think of what you do –

 

BR:

Branders, why argue?

 

[Part Three – Ballad with Slow Dance. A plain dark scrim falls behind them]

BS: (slowly circling a stationary BR)

Why isn’t it enough

For me just to love you –

And all else then rebuff

After this day is through?

 

Let’s sing our own love’s truth

Before jaded time comes

Hoary and long of tooth

To wring life from our lungs.

 

I love you – that’s enough

Enough for me

Enough for you.

I love you – that’s enough

Let it be for me

Let it be for you

From you to me.’

 

BR: (slowly circling a stationary BS)

No matter what happens

Or who we say we are –

Living only toughens

Lives afraid to go far.

 

Let’s love in our own song

But out in the sunshine

Through meadows with brooks long

Free to run and to climb

‘I love you – that’s enough

Enough for me

Enough for you.

I love you – freed enough

It has freed me

It has freed you

Freed you for me.’

(a due at recapitulation when they begin to dance together. At the end they embrace and support one another)

 

(darkness – end of Scene Three. Exit BR and BS)

 

Scene Four: “Stalwarts of Sanitation”

(Lights come up on a nearly empty Committee chamber. The walls are tall with white marble pilasters dwarfing the people. Stage center rear is the raised bench with seats for members of the male chorus who play senators. Before the chairman’s center position are two large tables. These face each other, and are at a more or less 90-degree angle to the bench. Vixen ‘News’ cameras are set up stage rear left. Action begins with Lady Interns milling about with papers in their hands somewhat aimlessly and dejectedly. As they sing, the Brass and Enlisted arrive. The Brass take seats at the table stage left. The Enlisted sit in the audience on the same side. Quickly other male and female chorus members)

 

No. 5a – Chorus of Lady Interns and Recitative

LADY INTERNS:

We are sad lady interns

Who keep the Senate rolling –

Sad ‘cause we never get turns

With the Senators’ frolicking.

 

[Three Voice Solo]

There used to be boy interns

Who never took a resting –

Tousled hair, red cheeks by turns

From all the Senators’ texting.

 

We are sad lady interns,

Boys were banned following –

Too many open concerns

That the boys never stopped smiling.

 

We are sad lady interns

Who keep the Senate rolling –

Sad ‘cause we never get turns

With the Senators’ frolicking.

(a member of the male chorus who plays the Bailiff shoos the Interns away and makes a sweeping gesture for the audience to stand. Exit Interns. Enter BS near cameras)

 

BAILIFF:

(with applied grandiosity)

Now, all rise.

Enter herein

(air quotes)

Your ‘elected’

Senators!

 

No. 5b – Chorus of Senators with McBuncombe Solo

(Enter senators from central door behind the chairman’s position. They turn off right and left alternately to go to their positions and each in turn spots exactly where the ‘News’ camera will get the best view ‘for the folks back home.’ They proceed with a sort of Senatorial Cake Walk dance step to their seats. After the chairman enters the Lady Interns trail in and take standing positions behind the senators)

 

[Verse One – to the cameras]

SENATORS:

We are Leaders of Legislation –

Senators Retrogressive,

Plucked rank-file from a fearful Nation

Of rich passive-aggressive.

Tremble before our mighty station –

For Corporate ‘News’ instructive

Tells us the Peoples’ fascination

With terms not too constructive.

 

[Chorus Section – amongst themselves; accents dropped]

We find it better that way

For Vixen ‘News’ the pipers pay

With talking points fresh every day –

We never think what we say.

 

[Verse Two – to the cameras – accents restored]

We are Stalwarts of Sanitation –

Cleaning up the progressive

Who’d move this country in direction

To the future decisive.

Look backwards without reservation –

Though our land’s debt is massive

Let working backs bear the rich taxation

Is our sponsors’ prerogative.

 

(recap: ‘We find it better that way’ etc)

(The chairman banging his gavel, and finds his camera. The other senators and audience sit)

 

[Solo with Chorus]

TM:

The committee chairman here today,

Yours truly, Toady McBuncombe,

Chosen ‘cause he’s certainly not Gay,

(gesturing to his fellow Senators who instantly stiffen)

With more proof than any of ‘em.

 

SENATORS and MC:

Though he’s a little fey,

Hums to Y.M.C.A.,

Never married, they say,

With more proof than any of they,

He’s definitely not Gay!

 

I held a press conference

Way back in Eighty-Four

To bolster my defense

Of page-boy scandal lore.

 

Then again, as you know’d

Twas back in Ninety-Six

My office statements flowed,

Poo-poo’d as fiddlesticks

Tea-room toe-tapping code

My wide stance to fix.

 

I’d never hesitate

To press-confer now and then –

Like O-Two, O-Four, O-Eight

And now in Two-Thousand-Ten!

 

SENATORS, MC, INTERNS, FC and TM:

Though he’s/I’m a little fey,

Hums/hum to Y.M.C.A.,

Never married, they say,

With more proof than any of they,

He’s/I’m definitely not Gay!

 

SENATORS and TM:

The committee chairman here today,

His/Yours truly, Toady McBuncombe,

Chosen ‘cause he’s certainly not Gay,

With more proof than any of ‘em.

 

MC and FC:

They are Leaders of Legislation –

Senators Retrogressive,

Plucked rank-file from a fearful Nation

Of rich passive-aggressive.

Tremble before their mighty station –

For Corporate ‘News’ instructive

Tells them the Peoples’ fascination

With terms not too constructive.

 

SENATORS and BRASS:

We find it better that way

For Vixen ‘News’ the pipers pay

With talking points fresh every day –

We never think what we say.

 

INTERNS and ENLISTED:

There used to be boy interns

Who never took a resting –

Tousled hair, red cheeks by turns

From all the Senators’ texting.

 

TUTTI:

We/They are Stalwarts of Sanitation –

Look backwards without reservation –

And move this country in direction

Where working backs bear the rich taxation!

 

Scene Five: “Sequined Plate”

(Same as above)

 

[Dialogue]

TM:

(banging his gavel)

Order. This committee is here to try queers in the military… (crowd reacts sharply) Um – That is, pansy-types, um – in arms. We have a lot to get through before we decide to uphold sacred, established, law later on today, so let’s get this formality over…Let’s proceed. (another Senator loudly clears his throat) But, first a word from this committee’s official corporate sponsors.

(spoken with musical accompaniment)

‘Live coverage here today

Brought to you exclusively by

‘Vixen ‘News’, all the ‘News’

That’s fit to watch –

And we mean it!’

 

Also –

 

‘Coax Brothers Industries,

Fuel and politics,

Oil, Gas and Old-Timey Coal.

Coax Brothers Industries,

Focalized energy

(music abruptly stops)

Whether you want it or not.’

 

It seems… (putting on glasses and fumbling papers) our first witness is someone I don’t know…a Taggart Targ-get. (a neighboring Senator whispers in TM’s ear) I mean, a Taggart Tar-JAY. I’m told he is an ultra-arch-Retrogressive.

(Enter TT from stage left. He walks to the witness table with a proud sneer and briefcase. The Interns and the Enlisted twitter with suppressed laughter and excitement. This becomes hard, because when TT gets to the table he gestures a ‘just a minute’ to the chairman and opens his case. He extracts a pair of oversized tabletop American flag stands and positions them on either side of his place at the table. He makes another gesture, and from under the table pulls out a large eagle statue. He places it on one side of the table. Then he goes under again and pulls out an Emmy. He positions this and sits)

TM:

Sir, I understand you are a commentator on Retrogressive concerns, but you do so on a cable vehicle named the ‘Humor Channel.’ Please explain your credentials to testify here today.

 

TT:

Certainly, your Lordship… I mean, your Honor-ship. But before we do anything else, I believe it’s time to say our prayers.

 

TM:

(finding his camera) But, we’ve said our Prayer of Allegiance to the Flag only moments before the cameras were rolling (smiles to camera)

 

TT:

With respect, sir. I mean a prayer to our movement’s shinning luminary –

(lights go dim, and a Mao-Tse-Tung-Style banner of Reagan slowly descends from the rafters)

 

No. 6 – Song with Chorus

TT:

(rising grandly; hand on heart)

Hail! Oh, Saint Reagan,

(on hearing his name, the Senators and Brass scramble to their feet)

How we do love Thee so –

(Though without reason)

To Thee our prayers must grow!

Your backwards halo

Should be put on the dime –

(As Truth’s turbid foe)

Of a Flag-Waving Time!

 

 

INTERNS and FC: (sotto voce and twittering)

(Though without reason!)

 

SENATORS: (loudly to cameras)

To THEE our prayers must grow!

 

INTERNS and FC: (sotto voce and twittering)

(As Truth’s turbid foe!)

 

SENATORS: (loudly, hands on hearts)

Of a Flag-Waving Time!!

 

[Patter Section]

TT:

(aside, but directly into the camera)

Never mind the fact, all unions he cracked

The deficit soared, an arms race he roared

‘Aids’ he wouldn’t utter, and so many suffered

A bible he signed, was he out of his mind?

Cash to the Contra, anti-commie mantra

Red Sandinista, mum to the contra-dista

‘Frastructure faltered, bridge repair altered

Ketchup made veggie, for nutrition hedged he

Public land sold, for pieces of timber gold

‘Round his finger twisted, News never resisted

Our jobs overseas, incomes did freeze

Rich taxes he broke, highest rates on toiling folk

Trickle up money flowed, from poor to rich owed

Their cashmere pillows, with silk now billows

And we on the bottom, must grovel and thank ‘em

For the mess we’re in is all do to him.

 

INTERNS and FC:

Trickle up money flowed, from poor to rich owed

Their cashmere pillows, with silk now billows

And we on the bottom, must grovel and thank ‘em

For the mess we’re in is all do to him.

(together from: "Trickle up..." etc. at recapitulation)

 

TT, SENATORS and FC:

Hail! Oh, Saint Reagan,

How we do love Thee so –

 

TT and INTERNS: (sotto voce)

(Though without reason)

To Thee our prayers must grow!

Your backwards halo

Should be put on the dime –

 

TT and INTERNS: (sotto voce)

(As Truth’s turbid foe)

Of a Flag-Waving Time!

(all wave at the camera as Reagan re-ascends the heights)

 

[Dialogue]

TM:

(banging his gavel)

Well, I see your credentials are well in order. You may proceed to tell us why those fag…Um – Fruit Loops – should be content to be rooted out of our noble armed services.

 

TT:

I’ll tell you why. They’re not good enough.

 

No. 7 – Song with Quartet and Solo

TT:

Recall the ones from history

Lacking mettle for Today’s Army –

Whom we’d oust out in mockery –

If told denied being a Gay-ee

 

There’s Al the Great, the fashion plate

And Jules Caesar, Oh, the deceiver

Plus Hadrian, the handy man

The Theban Band, 'going down' its last stand

Then the kings; (limp wrist) see how David sings,

Christina in britches, James in laces –

Hercules, Ajax, Patrocles!

For none of them are good enough –

And we’d toss them on their powder-puff –

Assured they lacked manly right-stuff!

 

QB:

For none of them are good enough –

And we’d toss them on their powder-puff –

Assured they lacked manly right-stuff!

 

BS:

(See how they fall for his bluff,

Senator and Brass play the duff

As their clichés he’ll rebuff.)

 

There’s Pete the Great, out on a date

Apollo the Bright, hugging flowers light

And Achilles, out if you please

Spartan Three-Hundred in tight thongs bund’ed

Arabia’s Lawrence and high pain tol’rance

And that disgrace paragon –

The runner at Marathon!

 

TT and QB:

For none of them are good enough –

And we’d toss them on their powder-puff

Assured they lacked manly right-stuff!

 

BS and QE:

(See how they fall for his bluff,

Senator and Brass play the duff

As their clichés he’ll rebuff.)

 

There's Fred the Great, in sequined plate

Von Steuben, who posed like a Reuben

We’d pressure on star-spang Anacreon

And Epimenides, on him we’d pass

Too on Tokagawa’s war pow-wa –

So that leaves one on the top shelf

We’d boot the great Zeus out himself!

 

TT, QB and SENATORS:

For none of them are good enough –

And we’d toss them on their powder-puff

Assured they lacked manly right-stuff!

 

BS, QE and INTERNS:

(See how they fall for his bluff,

Senator and Brass play the duff

As their clichés he’ll rebuff.)

 

Scene Six: “Charges to Our Caring”

(same as above)

 

[Dialogue]

TM:

(banging his gavel)

Thank you, Mister, Targ-get – um – TAR-jey – for an interesting piece of testimony. (TT salutes and gathers his belongings. He takes a seat with the Enlisted, who shake his hand and slap his back) Now, let’s get the vital viewpoint of Military Brass, stationed in the best position to judge – and – um – condemn – troops in the field, from their offices here in Washington. (QB rise creakily to their feet) Gentlemen, please state your unbiased opinion on how undoing the sacred, established, law of ‘Don’t ask, Don’t Tell!’ would severely weaken morals-based morale, and (fumbles papers) um – Unit Cohabitation – um - Cohesion.

 

No. 8 – Double Quartet

(a capella until ‘It would hamper…’ etc)

QB:

Dire could be the consequence

Of open military serving

And reckless use of tolerance

To wreck and wrack beyond the telling.

 

TWO BRASS:

It would hamper reciting

With parents all demurring –

To send their charges to our caring.

 

OTHER TWO BRASS:

It would dampen moraling

And too unit cohering –

To bend their soap bars in showering.

 

QE:

(What a load of bull shitting

Who do they think they’re fooling –

Enough to make our blood go boiling)

(together at recapitulation)

 

QB:

Dire could be the consequence

Of open military serving

And reckless use of tolerance

To wreck and wrack beyond the telling.

 

No. 9 – Recitative and Ballad with Chorus of Enlisted and Branders

(Benjamin suddenly rising and approaching the bench)

BR:

Senator, I’d like to address the bench.

The views of the officers are one thing –

But we, of the Enlisted, have ours too.

 

TM:

(fumbling with some papers – trying to hide his swooning)

Irregular… But, You may approach the bench and testify.

(the Enlisted move to the witness table, while the Brass creakily sit and glare at them menacingly)

 

BS:

(aside)

Steady. I know somehow we’ll get through this.

 

BR:

Senators, I like any man, have faults.

I’m married…. (Interns sigh)

I’m married, and told I snore in my sleep.

I probably drink too much coffee,

And have too much on my credit cards,

And sometimes I get too little sleep.

But, I love my family,

And, I love my country

And I, despite anything else –

I am an American,

And will fight and die for you.

 

[Ballad]

Duty is our anchor,

Rendered by us duly,

Free of any rancor,

We give ourselves truly –

For love of country we,

Take every assignment,

Knowing that we are free

And for this job we’re meant!

And for this job we’re meant.

 

All that we ask of you

Is that when we are called

You show us the faith that’s due

To those, who for you, will bleed.

 

QE:

Just show us the faith when called

To those, who for you, will bleed.

 

BS: (aside)

My hero is all I need

If to our love he will heed.

 

Honor is the answer,

To what we ask daily,

Free of nagging danger,

It will see us safely –

For love of liberty,

Take we the abusing,

Knowing times are changing

And for this job we’re meant!

And for this job we’re meant.

 

All that we ask of you

Is that when we are called

You show us the faith that’s due

To those, who for you, will bleed.

 

For all from you we need

Is that we needn’t plead

 

QE:

To those, who for you will bleed.

Trust for those who for you will bleed.

 

BS: (aside)

My hero is all I need

If to our love he will heed.

(cheers from the audience and the Interns)

 

Scene Seven: “Talking Points in Disarray”

(Same as above)

 

No. 10 – Act One Finale

[Part One]

TM:

(banging gavel)

Tell us why, young man,

An obviously,

Strappingly fine young man,

The likes of you, clearly,

Stands up for pansies –

I mean – (limp wrist) those contrary –

To serve their fancies

In our military?

 

INTERNS:

(mocking TM)

An obviously,

Strappingly fine young man,

The likes of you dearly…

 

SENATORS:

...Stands up for pansies –

We mean – those contrary –

In OUR military!

 

BS:

(aside)

Now, here comes the blow…

 

SENATORS and TM:

Yes, Yes, we want to know

 

BS:

(aside)

Ben, just let it go…

 

SENATORS, TM and INTERNS:

Yes, Yes, we want to know!

 

BS:

(sudden inspiration – adjusts his tie confidently)

To the Network I’ll throw…

 

SENATORS, TM, INTERNS, BRASS, FC and MC:

Yes, Yes, we want to know!!

 

BR:

(a bit confused)

You’d be thinking

That it’s nothing

I’d have to say,

But, I am …

 

BS:

(loudly – moving to the bench, the cameras following, and tossing his microphone cable like Cher)

"Back to our live

Senate coverage!

Will Dadt survive?

Such a privilege

To bring it to you live!"

 

SENATORS:

(preening for the cameras)

Oh, I hope the folks back home

Can see me doing my work

And when the elections come

I won’t look such the jerk.

 

INTERNS:

(all pushing forward and acting like they have business with their Senator, but really smiling and posing for the cameras)

Oh, I hope the folks back home

Can see me doing my work

And when our Senators come

In view they’ll say ‘what a jerk.’

(together at recapitulation)

 

TM:

(banging gavel)

Tell us why, young man,

An obviously,

Strappingly fine young man,

The likes of you, clearly

Stands up for pansies –

I mean – (limp wrist) those contrary –

To serve their fancies

In our military?

 

INTERNS:

(mocking TM)

An obviously,

Strappingly fine young man,

The likes of you dearly…

 

SENATORS:

Stands up for pansies –

We mean – those contrary –

In OUR military!

(together from: "I mean – those contrary…" etc)

 

BS:

(aside)

Now, here comes the blow…

 

SENATORS and TM:

(to the cameras)

Yes, Yes, we want to know

 

BS:

(aside)

Ben, just let it go…

 

SENATORS, TM and INTERNS:

(to the cameras)

Yes, Yes, we want to know!

 

BS:

(aside)

He’ll say it, I just know…

(together from: "Yes, Yes…" etc)

 

SENATORS, TM, INTERNS, BRASS, FC and MC:

Yes, Yes, we want to know!!

 

BR:

(determined)

You’d be thinking

That it’s nothing

I’d have to say,

But, I AM …

 

(Crashing sound of committee room doors flying opening. Everybody turns to see Dame Dam-Dam enter dramatically. Audience immediately twitters with excitement)

 

[Part Two]

DDD:
(passionately – as she makes her way grandly to the bench)

Stop! Halt! Wait! Let’s take it, Adagio –

I stand here, Moses-Like without a snake,

But this report

(gestures and her entourage enters caring armloads of bound reports. They give to the Inters who pass them out to Senators and Brass)

Will your conscience awake.

As to Pharaoh, I cry – Let My People Go!

 

INTERNS:

(in awe – to each other)

Look, It’s Dame Dam-Dam

The hottest pop star –

Look, It’s Dame Dam-Dam

Who takes fashion far.

 

SENATORS:

(clueless, but wanting to seem ‘hip’ – to each other)

See. It’s Dame Dam-Dam

The hottest pop star –

See. It’s Dame Dam-Dam

Who takes clothes too far.

 

INTERNS, BS, QE and TT:

(in awe – to each other)

Wow, It’s Dame Dam-Dam

Gays made her a star –

Wow, It’s Dame Dam-Dam

Gays will take her far.

 

SENATORS, TM and QB:

(clueless, but wanting to seem ‘hip’ – to each other)

Now. It’s Dame Dam-Dam

Queers make her a star –

Now. It’s Dame Dam-Dam

Queers will take her too far.

(together at recapitulation)

(DDD sheds her outer garment, and while singing the following number, her attendants begin to serve as Bunraku puppeteers, posing her and facilitating an ‘on-stage’ costume change)

 

[Arietta with Chorus]

DDD:

Like the babe in the reed basket

Seemingly cut adrift for good

For one her prayers it will beget

The only way providence could.

Disband this prejudice of old

That now equally applied would

Force Blacks and Asians to be status quo’d

Out of honor and service-hood.

 

See in the reeds the bassinet

For us to find the bright and good

And see within that silhouette

The blessings, if only we could.

Disband this prejudice of old

That now equally applied would

Force Girls and Latins to be status quo’d

Out of honor and service-hood.

 

INTERNS:

Disband this prejudice of old

That now equally applied would

Force all and every to be status quo’d

Out of honor and service-hood.

(together at recapitulation)

 

[Recitative]

DDD:

That report you have in your hands, you’ll see,

Is the official Pentagon Survey

Asking Enlisted how comfortable they’d be

Serving with openly Gays today.

The vast majority say that they feel

Being Gay…

And serving…

Is…

No big deal!

(chaos erupts)

 

SENATORS, TM, QB:

(uproar)

This is out of hand!

What of these proceedings?!

 

INTERNS, BS, TT, QE, FC and MC:

(jubilant)

The truth is at hand!

Despite their deceivings!!

(together at recapitulation)

 

TM:

(banging his gavel)

We’ll have order, come what may!

(aside)

The talking points are in disarray,

Now I don’t know what there is to say.

 

SENATORS:

(pounding fists)

We’ll have order, come what may!

(aside)

The talking points are in disarray,

Now we don’t know what there is to say.

 

SENATORS, TM, QB:

(uproar)

This is out of hand!

What of these proceedings?!

 

INTERNS, BS, TT, QE, FC and MC:

(jubilant)

The truth is at hand!

Despite their deceivings!!

(together)

 

[Part Three – Piano a Capella Canon section – instruments joining later]

QE, BS, TT and DDD:

I close my eyes and can imagine a time,

Perhaps not far from today,

When no one equal has to trail behind,

For what long dead people say.

I can glimpse from here time’s bright horizon,

Where dawn breaks on everyone,

Irregardless of others’ perception,

In a time unbarred to anyone.

 

INTERNS:

We can glimpse from here time’s bright horizon,

Where dawn breaks on everyone,

Irregardless of others’ perception,

In a time unbarred to anyone.

 

BS and BR:

Irregardless of others’ perception,

In a time unbarred to anyone.

 

SENATORS, QB and TM:

Irregardless, Irregardless!

A time re-barred for everyone!

 

QE, BS, TT and DDD:

That irregardless of others

A time unbarred to anyone.

 

I close my eyes and can imagine a time,

Perhaps not far from today,

When no one equal has to trail behind,

For what long dead people say.

 

INTERNS:

We can glimpse from here time’s bright horizon,

Where dawn breaks on everyone,

Irregardless of others’ perception,

In a time unbarred to anyone.

 

BS and BR:

Irregardless of others’ perception,

In a time unbarred to anyone.

 

SENATORS, QB and TM:

Irregardless, Irregardless!

A time re-barred for everyone!

 

QE, BS, TT and DDD:

That irregardless of others

A time unbarred to anyone.

(together from: "I close my eyes…" etc)

 

[Part Four – Tutti]

TM:

(banging his gavel)

We’ll break for lunch, come what may!

(aside)

And leave this mess for Burdock Murphy

To while his crass regress sorcery.

 

SENATORS:

(pounding fists)

We’ll break for lunch, come what may!

(aside)

And leave this mess for Burdock Murphy

To while his crass regress sorcery!

 

TUTTI:

(bad guys – agitated; good guys – overjoyed)

The chicks are out of the hen house

Scratching the mess truth makes –

It’s as if the clock ran down the mouse,

And hindsight absolves future mistakes.

 

 

 

(Darkness – End of Act One - Intermission)