The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 7 - 40. Chapter 40

Monday

- Jimmy and I...well...we had a discussion about something today that kinda threw me for a loop. I have to admit...it really made me look back and think about some of the things that I've done in the last month or so. And not in a good way.

I guess sometimes, when you're feeling invincible and like every pleasurable opportunity in your path is something to be taken advantage of and enjoy while it lasts...you're not really thinking of what may lay ahead of you beyond that one spontaneous experience. I think it scared me a little bit.

Maybe even a lot.

Before I get into all that...I did make it a point to go over to Sam's early this morning before school. Luckily, little lady 'talks-a-lot' wasn't over there at the time. Because I seriously wanted to know what the deal was at the barbecue yesterday. I can't say that I was pissed, really. But considering that Sam is usually the first person to step up and jump on somebody for daring to say an ill word about me, his protection was unusually absent yesterday.

I rang the bell and Sam came down to let me in. Getting dressed for school as always. Maybe I wasn't in the mood, but I didn't even take a peek this morning. Eh...I guess I've seen it all before.

I didn't bother to make much small talk before getting to the point. I was like, "Sooooo....what's up with your new girlfriend?"

He was like, "Who? Michelle? What do you mean?" He was sorta moving back and forth around his room, getting his books and homework together, looking for a shirt in the closet...but he wasn't looking me in the eye.

I said, "I'm talking about yesterday. You know...at my dad's house? Like...what was that stuff she was saying about Jimmy behind his back?"

Sam peeked back out of the closet for a moment, and he says, "Oh. Dude...just ignore that. She doesn't mean for it to sound as bad as it does. It's nothing."

I'm like, "So wait...she's said stuff like this before in front of you?"

He's all like, "Well, not all the time or anything. I honestly don't pay her any attention at all when she's on that soapbox." He shrugs it off like, "She's got some crazy religious people in her family. They filled her head with some stupid ideas, but she's really not a mean spirited person. Just a little mixed up."

I'm like, "A little mixed up? So you're telling me that this is ok with you?"

Sam said, "C'mon, Billy. I never said it was 'ok'..."

I told him, "But you let her think it is by not saying anything. It may seem harmless to you, but it's different when I happen to be one of the 'people' she's talking about."

Sam was still rushing around a bit, and he's like, "Dude...are you being serious right now? You're actually angry about this?"

I'm like, "I just think you could have said something. That's all. For my sake if not Jimmy's."

Sam said, "You expected me to out you right then and there? In front of your dad, no less? Because I was under the impression that telling anybody else that you're gay was a no no."

Was he really being a smartass? Or was his mind just preoccupied with getting ready for school at the last minute. I told him, "Nobody said anything about outing me to anybody. But how hard could it be to maybe not let little snide remarks like the ones she made yesterday slide by you like it doesn't matter."

He asks me, "What do you want me to do, Billy? What should I say? You know that I like Jimmy as much as you do. But everything I say to her she's got some kind of backwards answer for."

I said, "And that's your excuse?"

He's like, "Look...I can ignore it and make it go away in five seconds, or I can drag it out into some long conversation with no logical sense to it whatsoever. There's no arguing with that girl. Drives me nuts."

I said, "Well, you're the one who picked her to start dating."

Sam's like, "Because she had awesome titties. Hehehe, I didn't think to do a full background check beforehand." He tried to lighten up the situation a bit by making a joke out of it, but I didn't even give a smirk for politeness sake. I started to turn around and walk out, but Sam grabbed my shoulder. "Billy, Billy, Billy...wait! Come on, dude. I'm just kidding you. Ok? Come here..." The next thing I knew, I was reluctantly being pulled into a hug. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled my head to his chest. He's like, "Listen, I'll talk to her about it. Ok? Promise."

I pouted like, "You better..."

He says, "The next time she says something bad about gay people, I'll kick her in the vagina for you." I think I liked that idea. Hehehe!

Oh...you know, I sorta had my doubts about it at first, but evidently...Bobby and Ian are sticking to their little deal. You know...about being 'together' in public. I didn't expect that kind of thing to happen so fast. Especially on Bobby Jinette's part. I figured that they'd use the last two weeks of school making tiny awkward attempts to ease their way into expressing their feelings without worrying about who saw them doing it. But I actually saw them holding hands as they walked down the hallway today! Holding hands smiling at one another...I even saw Ian lean over and give Bobby a kiss on the cheek. That totally blew me away. I mean, even Brandon and Stevie just kept up the appearance that they were just really good friends when they were together. I don't think I've ever seen two boys being so affectionate like that in the middle of school. It was cute, but I have to say that it looked a little out of place. Maybe just because I wasn't used to seeing it.

Imagine if I did get used to it? Imagine if...everyone did?

I only got a chance to say a brief hello to them, but it was awesome to see them so blissfully happy. Hehehe, it gave me a little shiver. You know? It's hard to explain.

Ian says that he's almost done with his big rewrite of the movie he's making this Summer with his camera. Apparently, Bobby has a MUCH bigger part this time around. Ian showed me a few pages, and it's obvious who the hero of THIS film is going to be! Hehehe! I wonder if he'll add a love scene in there somewhere...

Or maybe they're planning to make an unrated director's cut. Hehehe!

Just before taking a hold ob Bobby's hand again, Ian gave me his usual line. He's always like, "You'd better be nice to me now while you've got the chance! Don't just think you can start talking to me again when I get all popular and famous and everybody wants a piece of me. Because by then it'll be too late, shallow people!" We knew that he was kidding, of course, but he's cute when he's pretending to have an ego about it.

Wow...they actually did it. I watched them walk away from me, hand in hand, blushing and giggling for everyone to see. And you wanna know the weirdest part? I don't think anybody really noticed. And the few that did looked as if they thought it was a bit weird...maybe stopped their conversation or did a secretive double take...but then they just shrugged their shoulders and kept walking. That was that. Nothing more. It was hardly the end of the world.

Hmmm...maybe people seeing Jimmy and me at the party together on Saturday, or Stevie and Brandon, for that matter...was more of a normal reaction than I thought. I mean...maybe there are a bunch of people who just don't care. And I found that really comforting for some reason.

So.....anyway...

Well, ok...let me start by saying that Jimmy and I went to lunch together today. Jimmy's always been cool to be around, but I don't think we've ever spent this much time together. It's starting to become an every day thing now. He's not even really all that shy about asking anymore. It's funny how quickly things like this can become a daily habit. Besides...it feels good to have him still...um...look at me the way he does. Hehehe! I'm not encouraging it! He does it all by himself. Scout's honor!

So, at one point, Jimmy says to me, "I'm still picturing you naked, by the way. Just in case you thought I forgot."

I grinned, like, "No. No, I was pretty sure that you remembered. Hehehe..." I sighed out loud, and I said, "You are never ever going to let me live that down, are you?"

He said, "Don't worry. It'll stop being funny after a while. A long long LONG while. Maybe by the time your pubes turn gray it'll stop being so much damn fun."

I rolled my eyes. I was like, "Fair enough, I suppose. Hehehe!" Then I smiled at him and said, "Honestly, Jimmy...you can have him. I don't know how I fell into that whole situation, but I feel like I should have known better. I think I was just looking for some kind of distraction, you know? Something to make me feel...well...feel, um..."

Jimmy was like, "Good?" Ugh....!

I said, "Yeah. 'Good'. Something to make me feel 'good'."

He chuckled and said, "I would think that you had every reason in existence to feel good on a daily basis."

I told him, "Yeah, well...not at the time. Just take my word on this. I was in a bad place. I don't know...maybe I'm still in a bad place." I saw a slightly concerned look on Jimmy's face, and taking a note from Sam's playbook, I instantly tried to shift the focus. Dull the emotional connection. Lighten the mood. I said, "Anyway...like I said, he's all yours. I won't be going back. I can promise you that."

To my surprise, Jimmy said, "You know what? I think that I'm officially done with that whole arrangement."

I gave him a look of shock, and I said, "WhatEVER. That's what you said last time..."

But Jimmy was like, "No. Seriously. Alex isn't what I was looking for. And unfortunately, I can be an easy target for people like that. I'm done doing stuff just to 'feel good'. For the first time in forever...I feel like I can do better than that. And I think I'm going to try for that instead from now on. Otherwise...I'm just sorta wasting time."

I asked, "So you're looking to walk on the wild side now, huh?"

He's like, "I'm definitely ready to walk on the wild side. In a big way."

I was like, "So what made you suddenly decide to give up a really hot Summer of love for something else?" I was joking when I asked the question, but I don't think he was joking when he provided the answer.

Jimmy's face turned red, and he was like, "I dunno. I guess...the random hook ups don't feel as good when...when you've got a taste of the real thing." From the look in his eye, that comment was obviously directed at me. Um...I mean, at us. Wait...there is no 'us'. But before I could really find the words to diffuse the slight tension in that moment, Jimmy said, "I'm putting AJ behind me. For good this time. I'd rather long after someone I can't have than 'have' someone that I don't long after. The difference is, like....sooooo major." He looked into my eyes for a moment, and a nervous giggle escaped his lips while he tried to hide it from me.

Maybe he understands. I mean...maybe he knows that it's not really going to happen. Like...we're not an item....but he likes me anyway. I mean, that could be ok. Right? I mean...that we could talk about. And it wouldn't hurt his feelings so much to simply state the obvious, right? It was a moment where I thought it might be the perfect time to, like...discuss it. Or whatever.

But he took my mind off of things when he said, "I still think that meeting you over at Alex's house...hehehe naked, no less...I think that maybe that was the wake up call that I needed. A kick in the head that I couldn't ignore or pretend wasn't there. You know?" Then he says, "I just wish I hadn't wasted my last 5 bucks on a package of condoms for that afternoon. Because I have absolutely NOBODY to use them on now! Hehehe!"

Even more out of place than Ian and Bobby holding hands in the hallway this morning...was the image in my head of Jimmy getting condoms. Hehehe! I kinda grinned at first, and I said, "You got condoms?"

Jimmy gave me a goofy look. He was like, "Um....YEAH. Duh?"

I was like, "Where the heck did you get condoms from?"

Did he think that I was joking? I got another strange look. And he says, "Ummm...from the store. Just like everybody else. Hehehe, why, where do you get yours from? Outer space?"

He giggled.

I giggled.

He giggled some more. But I didn't really say anything.

Jimmy was quiet for a moment. Then he's like, "Billy....? Hehehe, I mean...well, I'm not saying that you...umm...well, I mean...you DID use condoms when you were doing anything intimate with AJ? Right?" I attempted to laugh it off for a moment, but Jimmy got more serious. He's like, "RIGHT???"

I lied. I don't know why, but I did. I was like, "Psh! Yeah. Yes, of course! What? Do you think I'm crazy?"

Jimmy let out a sigh of relief. Like...an actual sigh of relief. The kind your mother would release if you were riding your bike and was suddenly hit by a car. Like, "Dear GOD! He's alive!"

Jimmy said, "Thank God! Don't scare me like that, dude! If anything were to happen to you, I think I'd lose my mind." He grinned to himself, and I nervously attempted to join him...but it wasn't very convincing.

It wasn't something that I had really been thinking about. As I'm sure I've said before, I'm only 15. I wasn't really worried about that kind of thing. But even after Jimmy and I finished our lunch period...I kept thinking about that one question for the rest of the day. Even NOW, I'm thinking about it. And it won't let me go. I thought about AJ...and Scott...and Jimmy....and Robin...and God knows who else AJ had been with. I thought back to Robin's innocent act in front of his mom when he was talking on the phone to me...and then turning it off and practically begging me to come over and fuck him again. I thought about how Jimmy and I were sitting outside of AJ's house, and Jimmy saying that he probably already had somebody else coming over to satisfy his needs for the afternoon. I even thought about AJ coming right out and asking me to, basically, be his 'bait' this Summer. Getting access to boys that he wouldn't be able to get on his own.

The memories swirled around in my head so quickly that I could hardly follow them all. It was disorienting to say the least. Why did I lie to Jimmy? I mean...if it was no big deal...why not just say no? Unless...I wasn't as confident as I thought I was about not being..um...safe.

It's not that I didn't think about it before. I just didn't....invest any real 'worry' in it. Not until today. It kinda creeps me out, to be honest. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror tonight. I don't look sick. I looked at my tongue, I looked for any...I don't know...'scars' I guess? Nothing. I opened my pants and took a look at my penis too. Looked normal to me. In fact, I think I grew a few centimeters! Hehehe! Must be all the 'practice' I've been getting lately.

So...I think I'm ok. Nah, I'm sure I'm ok. I'm not that guy. I'm not the guy who get put in the school sex ed videos. I may have made a bunch of mistakes with my friends and family in the past, but I didn't do anything to deserve THAT. Besides...AJ was my first boyfriend. My first. I mean...that's gotta count for something, right? Or...um...at least it means...

...Well...whatever.

I've got to get to sleep. And I can't do that thinking about this. I'll worry about it later. Right now, I've got ONE more week left in school, and then 4 days worth of final exams. Then I can get on with my Summer and put all that madness behind me.

I look forward to it. I really do.

Anyway...gotta run.

Laters...

- (A Perfectly Healthy?) Billy Chase