Ray of Hope - 3. Chapter 3

Today was my birthday, my 18th. I was no longer a ward of the state, so I was no longer allowed to stay here, with Camilla and Andrew, I had to pack up and start making my way for myself. Thankfully I had my job, and school was done, I could work full time and get a room at a hotel nearby while the time came to go off to Hollywood. I had my ticket on the nightstand, it was my hopes and dreams materialized.

"Hey, Ray?" Came Camilla's voice from the steps.

"Yes ma'am?"

"Could you come to the market with me? Andrew forgot he had a meeting and I've to buy three turkeys and two roasts, would you help?"

"Sure...I'll pack later"

I heard her running up the steps, her heels clacking loudly on the Cherry wood floors.

"Where are you going?!" Her voice was frantic, and worried.

"It's my 18th birthday today, I can't stay here anymore...I no longer qualify
for foster parents--"

"Why do you think I'm going to the market? We're throwing you, what was supposed to be a surprise party, your friend Ryan and his parents are on their way, Andrew went to get his parents and his brother from the airport and my sister and grandmother are driving down as we speak..."

I fell to the bed, in awe. My jaw was slack and my hands were trembling. The Collins were throwing me a surprise party, they were bringing down people just to make it feel like a real party, my friend was on his way here, food was being prepared.

I stood up and smiled. Gestured for her to lead and walked out behind her. It was a goodbye/birthday party. I'd help where I could, then head to work, then I'd come back and pack, first thing in the morning I would leave; only the schedule changed not the plan.

Two hours later we were still at the market; the menu had gone from down home cooking to Asian, to seafood, to vegan, to French, to Hispanic, and back to home. I was supposed to get to work in 30 minutes, but that wasn't happening. I dialed Mike.

"Frank's, how may I help you?"

"Hey, it's Ray. I'm sorry to call so last minute, I'm at the market with Camilla and it doesn't look like I'll be able to make it in today...unless you don't mind me being late?"

"Isn't it your birthday?"

"Yes sir, it is."

"Yea, Andrew came by earlier, said you might call out, no problem I'll cover your shift this once."

I thanked him profusely and hung up, something was definitely up. Camilla and Andrew were behaving extremely weird. I couldn't decide whether I was nervous or excited about it.

Finally Camilla got what she needed and we made our way back to the house. I was completely distracted on the drive, my mind kept pushing scenarios on me that I didn't want to contemplate, I just wanted to get through the party, make Ryan help me pack and get on with the rest of my life.

"...and then we'll see what they say okay?"

"Sure" I answered out of habit, not knowing exactly what she had just asked me.

I looked at her, she was still just as bright and giggly as she had been since she and Andrew had spoken at intermission yesterday. Andrew and me had not spoken once we got home, he'd overdone the drinking at dinner and Camilla and I had to drag him up the steps.

Having memories of someone being intoxicated that didn't involve violence, arguments, or abuse was something new to me. Andrew had guzzled half a bottle of wine, Camilla had a few glasses, we talked about music, they told me stories of when they were young, and I shared what little light moments I'd had in my childhood with them. It had been a very pleasant evening.

"OK. Now you go on upstairs, go read or something and I'll call you once things are further along in here, this recipe is old and guarded, go on, shoo!!"

I smiled and went up the steps, I'd pack up stuff while she did her family recipe turkey, after two years of living here I'd grown to love the smell of it in the oven. I got my iPod and set it on shuffle. I hummed along to the songs, until "New York State of Mind" came on, then I wasn't humming, I was singing.

I ran through the song without missing a beat, it was a great song. The lifts and the soaring notes, the piano arrangement, the violin, it was an amazing song.

"Ray!! WAKE UUUUUP!!!"

Ryan's voice filtered through my sleep, waking me from a pleasant dream. I moved my arm in the general direction of the voice but still he called my name.

"Ray!! Get up you big baby!! I am surrounded by old people!!"

I snickered and grabbed hold of his hand, pulling him on the bed with me. I tried to force him to lay down but there was no making Ryan do anything he didn't feel like doing. Stubborn was more than just a word to him; it was a way of life.

We made our way downstairs, laughing about random things. I looked around and instantly I felt like I should leave. There were streamers and signs, a cake on the table, and people comfortably talking to each other, this couldn't be for me. I heard Ryan say move and forced my feet to restart their motion, still in awe of what was before me.

"Ray!! Finally!! Come there's some people I'd like you to meet."

Andrew grabbed hold of my hand and began dragging me around the house, introducing me to his mother, Martha, his father, John, and his brother Alex. Then I met Lucinda, Camilla's grandmother, and Melinda, her sister. I exchanged pleasantries with everyone and tried my best to be polite, eloquent and responsive, but I still couldn't help being detached. I didn't want to allow myself to be hopeful, to want something I couldn't have, something I wouldn't get.

"I have a surprise for everyone." Came Camilla's voice from the dining room "Andrew and I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out exactly how to say this. I finally decided the only way to say it is to simply say it"

I could feel my hopes rising so fast inside of me, I wanted to tell myself not to hope, I wanted to explain to myself why I shouldn't be this excited and nervous over this sentence: I wanted to keep myself from hoping but it was too late, hope was already inside me, dreams had already taken hold and all I wanted to hear was that they wanted me to stay with them, to live here as part of their family, and there was no changing that.

"I'm pregnant!!!" The words should've been the most exciting news ever, but they weren't, not to me. Everyone clapped and began congratulating them, I smiled and hugged them both. I would fake glee over the news and pretend I was happy, they had been gracious, nice, accommodating and caring foster parents; I was 18, I was able and ready to fend for myself. The hurt was there though, right under the surface where I could hide it, by tomorrow I'd have it buried and forgotten.

The festivities went on as planned, games were played, conversations were had, and hors d'oeuvres were served. I wanted to leave and found every excuse to run upstairs and pack little by little. Ryan followed me up on one of trips.

"Ray? Why are you packing?"

"It's my 18th and in a few weeks I have something I have to do outs--"

"I saw the ticket."

"Then you know why I'm packing. I'm gonna stay at the Star Inn on Hudson until I
go to Hollywood, and then we'll see what happens"

"Did Andrew and Camilla tell you to leave?"

"No"

"So"

"I'm leaving Ry, can we just leave it at that?"

"No. Something else is up!"

"Nothing's 'up' Ry, I'm getting my shit ready so I can leave these people in peace alright?!?! Now drop it!!"

"But Ray I--"

"I said drop it!!" My voice roared out of me, my temper had gotten the better of me, and Ryan wasn't to blame. I felt horrible. "Ry, I'm sorry."

"You can be a real ass sometimes you know that? You're the only person I call friend, you're the only person I waste my time calling!! I know I'm no tame damsel but I don't deserve you blowing up for no reason!" He threw each word at me, full of the emotional baggage only Ryan could hit someone with.

A child of an alcoholic father and a mother who never wanted children, Ryan had been taken from his home at age 2, malnourished, lice infested, and with a tummy full of parasites. His abandonment issues had resulted in 2 failed adoptions and a lot of psychological scarring which made him appear far weaker than he was and provided him with enough baggage to overrun an airport. He was a beautiful person despite all these things, or perhaps because of them, and sometimes I forgot that behind his facade all Ryan truly wanted was to feel loved, cared for, admired, and important.

"I'm sorry Ry...I thought...I thought they might keep me. I know how stupid--"

"No. It's not. You may say it doesn't matter but I know you wanted to be part of a family. I'm sorry Ray."

We sat on the bed, and suddenly the tears were pouring down my face. I never showed my emotions, I always kept my poker face on, never wanting to reveal or deal with what I felt. I'd loved my mother but drugs had been more important. What was the point? Why show anyone how I felt when clearly I wasn't important enough to matter?

Ryan patted my back as I cried, for the second time in our long years as friends, on his lap. I heard the steps down the hallway and Ryan slid the door shut and locked it. I got up and dried my face, composed myself and turned my back to the door, he flipped the lock and seconds later Andrew knocked.

"Hey guys, you're missing karaoke!!"

"Did you know that Karaoke is the Japanese word for empty orchestra?"
I could just picture Andrew's face as he tried to process Ryan's question, meant of course to stop me from having to speak.

"Uh-no I didn't; c'mon downstairs. Camilla said she heard you singing Ray and she's dying to hear it again, and Ryan's dads are gushing about his singing, what do you guys say?"

I nodded my assent and Ryan started pulling Andrew downstairs as I made my way to the restroom. A quick wash of my face ought to put everything back in order. As I hit the first landing I could hear "Don't Rain on my Parade" beginning, Ryan was proud of his range and there wasn't a Broadway hit he didn't know.

I sat down next to Michael, one of Ryan's dads, I could see him moving his lips along with the music, never missing a cue or a lyric. I was happy for Ry, but I was a little jealous, he'd found what so many of us in the system look for, and he'd found so much more.

Ryan finished his song and walked the mic to me. I wanted something as far away from how I felt as possible, so I reached for the only song I knew would cheer me up. "Chasing Pavements"

"I've made up my mind
No need to think it over
If I'm wrong I am right
No need to look no further
This ain't lust
I know; This is love"

I started remembering the video and suddenly I felt a little better, in the melody and the lyrics I could forget, I could pretend. The song came to a close and I sat next to Omar, Ray's other dad. He hugged me and complimented me on my voice as Andrew took the mic and began to stumble through "Haven't Met you Yet."

I excused myself and grabbed Ry on my way up, there were only some things left and I was hoping to get a ride from Michael and Omar. I wanted to leave today on the cutting room floor of my life.