Ray of Hope - 9. Chapter 9

Chp9

The darkness was comfortable. Its embrace made everything feel...okay. I was vaguely aware of a voice calling my name, someone kept trying to bring me back, trying to wake me from this haven that I had fallen into. Everything seemed trivial while I was in this darkness, the urge to win simply receded to a part so deep within me that I could barely feel anything more than peace. Time was irrelevant, and I was happy. Content.

There was a sudden pain on my chest, a brief flash of light and the abrupt return of dizziness. I heard a steady beep somewhere, and memories began to return, taking away my peace, my happiness. I fought consciousness because it meant reality. Consciousness meant facing my life, or the horrid thing that I had become accustomed to.

“He’s regaining consciousness, contact the people responsible for him, let them know he’ll be alright”

“Umm doctor?”

“Yes Carla?”

“John, he’s listed as his own emergency contact. He was a ward of the state until a couple of weeks ago. Should I contact the people from Fox?”

“They’re pretty much the closest he’s got?” There was a pause in his speech, and I could feel him looking at me. "Poor kid."

“Unless you want me to look through his cell-phone?”

“Yea, do that.”

My phone contained 6 contacts. Camilla Collins, Andrew Collins, Dr. Sally Loren, Frank's, Ryan Anderson, American Idol Auditions. They would pity me, and I hated being pitied. I knew that the darkness was no longer an option. I had to face the reality of it all. I steeled myself for the questions, the pity and the news about Idol. I let my body cue itself to wherever it was I was getting to. The light filtered in and my brain began to fire on all pistons, the dull headache and chest ache were the only remnants of my little episode.

I looked around the room, non-descript and cold; typical hospital accommodations. The nurse noticed me and walked towards me, her easy smile and bright eyes made me feel safe, I felt my defenses snap to attention; people who seemed trust-worthy were usually the wrong people to trust, they always wanted more than I could give, too much affection meant too much attachment, and that meant pain, heartbreak.

“Hello, I’m going to call the doctor in. He needs to run some tests ok?”

“Uh-huh—ahem—may I have some water please?”

“Of course, let me just take your temperature first, okay?”

“No offense, but is this how you actually speak?”

“I’m sorry?” there was a spark of instant disapproval in her eyes, her body moved back a bit and the sparkle in her eye changed somewhat from Disney princess to regular person. Objective accomplished.

“I just meant, the okay at end of every sentence makes me feel like I’m a child. I didn’t mean to offend you” I said, but I had.

“It’s alright; your tone is just a bit aggressive is all. I guess it comes with the territory, a little bit of talent and an awful lot of attitude, you must be a massive douche with the pipes you’ve got on you.”

I felt a pang of regret but immediately squashed it. I had always been called haughty, conceited, mean, a douche-bag, and endless other things which demeaned my character and attitude. I no longer cared, one way or another my future had been decided for me by the votes that were tallied tonight. I’d either lost the last spot to Channing and his oddly attractive face or I’d kept the spot and had to be back in the competition soon; either way I knew what would happen next, people’s opinion of me would do nothing to change either occurrence.

She stuck the thermometer in my ear, as I sat and waited for the beep. My hands kept betraying me by wringing whenever I didn’t actively stop them from moving. I wanted to know if I’d made it, I wanted to know what had happened.

“You’re in by the way. Channing lost.”

My head spun quickly to my left, and I made eye contact with her, there was a devious sparkle as she looked at me, she was my accomplice in this moment of utter relief, she knew it, and I knew I liked her, which made me curse myself, but at this point I just couldn’t actually care.

“Did Ryan say anything about next week?”

“I think it may be show tunes, Patti LuPone and Jonathan Groff are the guest judges.”

“Damn it”

“What’s up?”

“I hate show tunes…deeply.”

“But at least you have me!!” I felt my spine tingle from the bottom of my skull to the top of my ass. I’d recognize that flare anywhere.

“RYAN!!!!!!!”

“Hello, lover!!”

He ran towards me, his face alight with joy. I knew I looked somewhat like him, after all we’d been friends since we were 9, there was no-one in this world I was closer to than him.

“How dare you ruin the drama by taking the spotlight off the stage?”

“Ahh yes, I should’ve fainted in front of the cameras right?”

“Of course darling!! Imagine the headlines? There’s already papparazzos all over the hospital, thankfully they checked you in under Heathrow James, and they’re all looking for Ray Johnson. It’s pandemonium!!”

“Ryan, this is Carla, Carla; this is my oldest friend, Ryan.”

"You're fabulous aren't you? Just look at the cheekbones...hmmm I wonder if the dads would pay for that?"

"Ry, quit dissecting my nurse please"

"Ay, dejalo!! He's nice, keep going honey"

"Awkward...that's it"

Carla gave Ryan the stink-eye and I snickered while she moved around poking and prodding me. The doctor came in and Carla took Ryan out.

"Well here's the deal. You don't have a concussion, or bleeding, or bruising that we can see, if you want us to we'll take an MRI and a sonogram of your head to make absolutely sure"

"Is it dangerous to not do so?"

"No, you're fine."

"Then, I guess it's ok."

He got up and left my room, I felt my eyes droop and I let myself drift into a quiet sleep.

I woke up hours later, a bit dazed, but feeling better than I had before I'd fallen asleep.

"Hey sleepy head."

"Oh good, you're really here"

"How you feeling?"

"Like I could go to the hotel and sleep it off"

"The dads are here, so are Camilla and Andrew."

"That's not all, is it?"

"I've something to tell you. When you dashed off stage, I realized something that I'd tried ignoring for a really long time. I'm almost positive" he got up from his chair and sat next to me on the bed "I'm in love with you."

He leaned down and kissed me, I felt his hand cup my cheek and the other get tangled in my hair, there was so much feeling there, but I felt nothing. I pushed him back gently.

"Ry, you know I love you. I love you like family, I can't see you in that way. I'm sorry."

"I know. The dads are going to ask if you want to come to Tulsa for a couple days when this all dies down. Could you--"

"Don't worry. I'll do my best to keep my distance."

He leaned back and looked at me. His face was intent.

"I know you see me as family, but I'm going to need time, I'll be here but I don't know how much I can let you lean on me."

I nodded as the tear fell, unbidden.