Forever Alone - 2. Chapter 2

It was the end of spring in Portland and the temperature was heating up outside. I couldn’t wait for summer to come; it was always my favorite time of year. When my twin sister, Julie and I were kids, we would always be outside all day either playing games or swimming. When we turned fourteen years old, our parents signed us up for summer camp and it was here that I discovered I’m not like the other boys. I remember one night in particular, it was the final day of camp and the councilors had planned a teen dance in the large pavilion. I had become close buddies with one of the boys at camp and as we walked together towards the pavilion I noticed that all of the girls were on one side and the boys on the other. As we sat down on the boys’ side he started to egg me on and told me to go ask one of the girls to dance. I was too shy to actually do anything but as I thought about it some more, I didn’t share the same excitement of dancing with a girl as he did. I was content just sitting beside him and it was at this moment I realized I’m different. I don’t like girls the same way he does and this bothered me. I was very comfortable with who I was and confident in my feelings but I knew that growing up in a small town forces isolation to those that are different. This was when I decided I wanted to go on an adventure and travel the world, experiencing different cultures and attitudes. There has to be more to life than this.

“Hi, I’m Rob!”

This snapped me out of my daydream and back to reality, back to the department store where I was working, back to the day where my new co-worker was starting. I was utterly speechless, Rob looked incredible and I felt an instant connection to him. I don’t know what it was, but it felt like love at first sight.

“Helloooooo!”

“Oh, sorry…I was day dreaming. It’s very nice to meet you Rob!”

“Likewise”

Peter walked into the room and took Rob on the tour of the store and started to show him the ins and outs of the job, while I was left alone with my thoughts. I wondered if Rob and I had more in common than our personalities and looks; that is, if he is also different like me. I’m not a religious guy but today I prayed that this would turn out to be true because I couldn’t stop staring at him as Peter was showing him the ropes. He looked so cute at everything he did and when he smiles he has a slight dimple on his cheeks. Looking into his brown sparkling eyes makes me feel like I’m in heaven. In a matter of seconds I had become obsessed with and had a feeling of excitement knowing I’ll be spending every day with him for the foreseeable future.

The rest of the afternoon went by like a blur and I didn’t even notice it was 5pm, closing time. Peter came over and handed me the keys and told me I’ll be in charge of opening and closing the store from now on. He promised to drop by Friday afternoon to check in on us and see how things were progressing. With the store keys in my hand and Peter walking out the door it was now just Rob and I left in the empty store. This was the first time I had a chance to stand face-to-face with him and I was terrified. Being an introvert I’m not the type of person to strike up a conversation but with Rob I felt a sense of comfort and safety.

“So, tell me about yourself Rob.”

“What do you want to know?” he replied.

“Anything!” I retorted.

“Well, my family moved here about a month ago so I’m still trying to adjust to the change. It’s been difficult fitting into the community but I’ve met a lot of friendly folks in church. What about you, I noticed you wear a chain around your neck with a cross but I’ve never seen you at church?”

I looked down at my chain and reached up to grab the cross between my thumb and index finger. I began to gently rub it and responded “My family has never been very religious but I do hold my own beliefs. The cross is one of the most powerful symbols on earth and for me represents my passion. I don’t know whether Jesus was a messiah or not, but I do believe he was a real man that walked the earth a long time ago. He had admirable core values including forgiveness, compassion, and stood up for what he believed in. He was passionate for his beliefs and was willing to die for them, and this is something that I admire. I wear the cross as a reminder to myself of the ultimate sacrifice Jesus made. I vowed a long time ago to follow in his footsteps and always live true to myself including standing up for what I believe in even if it means making sacrifices.”

As I let go of the cross on my chain I looked up at Rob and he just stared at me in silence. I stared back into his eyes and for the first time in my life I felt like I was staring into his soul and seeing myself. Usually when you lock into a stare with someone it gets awkward and you never know what to say to break the silence, but this was different. This wasn’t awkward at all and I would give anything just to stay in this moment a little longer and savor this feeling.

I saw a single teardrop fall down Rob’s cheek as he quietly responded “Wow… That’s the most touching thing I’ve heard from someone who doesn’t consider himself religious. Thank you for sharing that with me, it definitely gives me a lot to think about.”

His comment sparked my curiosity and I had to dig further to find out what was on his mind. I stepped a bit closer and put my hand on his shoulder and asked, “What do you mean Rob?”

After a short silence Rob started, “Well… to be honest… my parents would kill me if they heard me saying this but I just don’t know if I still have faith in my religion. I’ve been struggling with some issues over the past few months and prayed every day for some guidance, but my prayers have gone unanswered and I no longer know what to do.”

I quickly jumped in asking “What kind of issues have you been dealing with Rob?” After a few seconds I realized how intrusive that sounds and added “Sorry, you don’t have to answer that, I didn’t mean to intrude.”

Rob looked at me with sadness in his eyes and said “Actually, for some odd reason I feel very comfortable around you. I know we’ve only met a few hours ago, and maybe it’s because we’re a lot alike, but I feel a sense of comfort with you.”

Hearing these words made me all tingly inside as I couldn’t stop thinking about how he said we were a lot alike. I wanted to ask him if he truly was like me but didn’t want to ruin the moment so I gently squeezed his shoulder and smiled at him.

“I should probably head home before my parents freak out on me.” Rob said with a smile starting to form on his face.

“Oh, you live with your parents?” I smirked, “That must be a drag… I have my own apartment just down the street from here” with a big smile on my face, proud of living out on my own.

“Awesome, I wish my parents would let me live by myself, but they’re too focused on preserving my innocence… I should really get going before I get in trouble, I told my dad I’d be home shortly after five and he hates it when I’m late.”

I felt a deep connection with Rob and wanted this night to last forever. It felt like a drug, I was addicted and needed to spend as much time with him that I possibly could. I just couldn’t get enough of this feeling that I can’t quite explain. But there was nothing I could do, and I certainly don’t want him to get in trouble with his parents.

“Okay man… I’ll see you tomorrow, eight-thirty sharp!”

He looked at me and replied “Can’t wait!” with a big smile on his face pausing for a brief moment. And before I realized it he had turned around and walked out the front door.

I stood in the empty store alone. Only tonight was different, much different. I didn’t feel alone at all, and had experienced a feeling I hadn’t felt since the teen dance at summer camp when I was fourteen years old. I distinctly remember this feeling as I sat beside the boy I become friends with and developed a huge crush on. This was a brief moment in time and a memory I will never forget. Tonight I have a new memory to store in my brain. Can’t wait was his last words with a big smile that sent shivers down my spine.

I was so tired after getting home from work I decided to call it an early night. I laid in bed trying to sleep but I was wide awake as my mind was racing a thousand miles a minute. I needed to get to know more about Rob and whether he truly was the same as me, including liking boys opposed to girls. For the first night in a long time I couldn’t sleep and I felt a sense of loneliness knowing that someone like Rob exists in this world and he lived just across town with his parents. Just then my phone went off from an incoming text message from my sister Julie:

“Hey bro wassup?”

“Hi Julie…you will not believe my new co-worker…he is out of this world!!”

“Ohhh, do tell…gossip, gossip, gossip. LOL”

“Call me!”

I was up for an hour talking with Julie on the phone. She was telling me about college life and what I was missing, and I wouldn’t stop talking about Rob. Speaking about my feelings with Julie has put my mind at ease. I was able to fall asleep quickly after we said our goodbye’s and hung up.

The next morning I awoke early and took a quick shower. I spent twenty minutes styling my hair, sprayed on some cologne, and put on my best pair of boxer briefs that I owned. I had ordered a few pairs of underwear online and can’t believe how sexy I look in them. I stood in front of the mirror admiring myself and thought to myself damn I look good today! This boosted my ego substantially and gave me a burst of energy filled with excitement knowing that I’ll be seeing Rob in exactly half an hour.

As I walked down the street towards the store I took out the keys Peter had given me to open the store with. I felt very proud that he respected me enough to put me in charge. I also appreciated him hiring Rob, even though he might not understand how big of a blessing in disguise this truly is for me. As I approached the front door of the store to unlock it I saw Rob standing there waiting for me to arrive.

“Hey Rob, great to see you!”

“Hey” was his response with a frown on his face.

“What’s wrong, you seem a bit down today?”

“Oh, it’s nothing really. I’m just a little bit tired is all.”

“Okay, fair enough… Let’s go inside and start work, it’s going to be a busy day today.”

Tuesdays were our busiest day since we usually have suppliers drop off products that need to be stocked on the store shelves. I went to the backroom and turned on the store lights and unlocked the safe that stored the cash. As soon as I went out front to set-up the cash register a customer had already walked in and was speaking with Rob trying to find a few essentials. The rest of the morning flew by very quickly and I didn’t have any chances to speak with Rob on a more personal level. Since it’s only the two of us we couldn’t take our lunch breaks at the same time which left me alone in the store to hold down the fort. When Rob came back from lunch I took my break and quickly walked back to my apartment to grab a bite to eat. I washed the dirty dishes in the sink and tidied up the place in the hopes of working up the courage to invite Rob over after work for a drink.

As I walked back into the store at the end of my lunch break I saw Rob at the back helping an old woman. He was holding a box and reading the back trying to figure something out. He looked so adorable as he spoke with her and pointed at some words on the back of the box. I just stood at the store entrance admiring his beauty and essence as the feelings from yesterday never went away and were just as prevalent as before. He finally smiled and looked up at the woman which means he figured it out and was able to answer her questions. He then looked over at me and caught my gaze. We made eye contact and a genuine smile came across my face as we cherished the moment. Rob followed the customer to the cash register and proceeded to check out her purchases. The rest of the afternoon was busy as we had to stock the shelves from the morning deliveries so I didn’t have much of a chance to speak intimately with Rob.

As five o’clock struck, now was my chance to get some alone time with Rob. Since both of us haven’t reached the drinking age in Portland I couldn’t ask him out to the local pub for a drink. Instead I bravely asked if he wanted to come over to my apartment for a drink so that we could get to know each other a bit better now that we’ll be working together on a daily basis. Rob quickly agreed and reached into his pocket to pull out his phone. He called his mom to let her know he would be home in a couple of hours since he still had a bit more to learn at the store, being his second day on the job and after some back and forth he hung up the phone and put it back in his pocket.

“Cool, let’s go buddy!” I declared with excitement as we walked out of the store and I locked the door behind us. As we walked down the street towards my apartment, Rob walked closely by my side looking down at his feet. This was something I understood because I often did this too as I walked. I’m typically lost in my own imagination and deep in thought and I couldn’t help wonder to myself what was he thinking. Instead of trying to guess and not to get lost in my own thoughts I bluntly asked him “What are you thinking about Rob?”

Rob looked up at me “Oh…umm….nothing in particular.”

“Ha-ha…That sounds like something I would say. But really, you can tell me, what’s on your mind?” as I put my hand on his upper back and we continued our walk down the street. I don’t know why I did this, I just felt compelled to do it and he didn’t seem to mind at all.

“It’s hard for me to explain.”

“That’s okay Rob, I understand. Take your time and when you’re ready you can always talk to me.”

“Thanks. I really appreciate it. I can’t believe I’ve been so lucky to meet a kind guy like you.”

We were both silent during the rest of the walk to my apartment. The silence didn’t bother either of us and we both seemed to be preoccupied in our own thoughts. I kept my hand on his back the entire time.

As we entered my apartment we took off our shoes and I asked Rob what he would like to drink. He simply said “whatever you’re having” and so I grabbed two beers from the fridge and handed him one as we sat down on the couch beside each other. Rob spoke up and asked if I had any brothers or sisters. I told him “I do, in fact I have a twin sister!”

“Oh that’s so cool, do you two look alike?”

“Umm… no, she’s a girl and I’m a boy.”

“Ha-ha… sorry I wasn’t thinking.”

“That’s okay, but I do like to think I’m the cute one.”

I noticed Rob started to blush as he responded “Yes, I’m sure you are!”

“Awwww… thanks buddy” I replied with the biggest smile on my face I’ve ever had as I patted him on the back.

He just sat there and stared at me blushing even more as he diverted his eyes down.

Oh my god, this was a great sign and meant he was embarrassed about our conversation with him thinking I’m cute. I was on cloud nine but didn’t want to make him suffer any longer than he should so I responded back “I think you’re cute too Rob.”

He looked back up and without any words being spoken we made eye contact for what seemed like an eternity. I reached out and grabbed his hand holding it in mine. This was when he started to break down and tears started to fall down his face. I felt the need to comfort him so I pulled him close towards me and embraced him in a hug as he laid his head on my shoulder and continued to shed tears. I didn’t know what Rob was going through but I could sense it in his soul when I first peered into his eyes. I rubbed his back as he cried and told him “It’s going to be okay Rob. You have me now and I’ll never let anything or anyone hurt you.”

“Do you promise?” he quietly whimpered into my shoulder.

“Yes of course. I think the two of us have a lot more in common than you may think.”

That was the last thing that was said as we sat on the couch in silence for the next hour as I hugged him in my arms. I wanted to comfort him, to let him know everything is going to get better, and for this moment to last forever.

Rob’s phone started to ring and startled both of us by bringing us back to reality. He moved back and took his phone out of his pocket to answer it. I saw from the call display it was his dad calling.

“Hi dad.”

I overheard a booming voice on the other end answer “Where the hell are you Rob?!?”

“I told mom I was working a little bit late tonight.”

“You get your ass home this instant!” he yelled.

“Okay dad, I’m coming.”

And with that Rob was out the door before I could even comprehend what just happened. I sat on the couch reflecting on tonight’s events and couldn’t even begin to understand some of the issues he must be going through but promised I would do anything to keep him safe. This is a promise I am determined not to break.