Forever Alone - 3. Chapter 3

BANG! BANG! BANG!

My eyes burst open as I sit up in bed thinking to myself “what the hell is that!?!” I look over at my alarm clock and see it reads one o’clock in the morning and after a few moments of being dazed and confused I figure out there is someone banging at my apartment door. I wonder to myself ‘who could that be?’ as I jump out of bed and change into a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. I run over to the door and think to myself it’s times like tonight I wish I had a peephole. Feeling scared about who was on the other side, I open the door very slightly and peek out to see Rob standing there with tears falling down his face. This is when I swing the door wide open and rush out to pull him into my arms.

I shriek “Oh my god Rob, what happened!!” as I hug him in my arms.

He quietly whispers “Can I come inside?”

“Of course, of course, of course, come in and sit down on the couch… I’ll make us a cup of tea to help calm the nerves.” I motion for him to sit as I walked into the kitchen and plugged in the teakettle to heat up the water.

“I’d like that” Rob softly spoke as he sat down on the couch with his head down. He begins to curl up in the fetal position as tears stream down his face.

I started to cry when I saw him do this and didn’t know how to help him. As the water in the teakettle heated up I thought about the conversation he had with his dad on the phone earlier tonight and how harshly he treated Rob. There’s definitely something going on and the only thing I can do at this point is be here for him. I grab two mugs out of the cupboard and put a teabag in each as I pour the hot water. I walk over to the couch, place the tea on the side table, and pull Rob up into my arms as I sit down beside him. At this point I’ve calmed down a little bit but I can feel his heartbeat racing against my body so I hold him tightly as I gently rub his back. After a few minutes Rob finally relaxes as I feel his heartbeat return to normal. I gently ask him “What happened tonight after you left my apartment?” and so begins his story.

Rob was deep in thought and after a few moments he says “I don’t know where to start...”

“That’s okay, start from the beginning.”

I could see Rob is trying to piece together the events in his mind. I remain silent and give him all the time he needs and after what seemed like an eternity he begins to speak.

“Well my life started going downhill a few months ago when my mom invited Mary over for dinner at our house.”

“Who’s Mary?” I question.

“Mary was a girl that went to our church. My mom had been pressuring me to get a girlfriend, and decided to take matters in her own hands. She invited Mary over for dinner and had her sit across from me trying to set us up on a date.”

Intrigued I ask “What happened next?”

Rob still has his head facing down but the tears were starting to subside. He continues “Well after dinner my mom asked Mary if she was available the following weekend to see a movie with me. I knew right then and there that I had no feelings for Mary. There didn’t seem to be any connection but I didn’t want to disappoint my mom so I reluctantly agreed to watch a movie with her that weekend.”

Hearing Rob telling me this, he believed there should have been a connection with this girl provoked my curiosity as I lean forward with interest to hear what happened next.

“I went to Mary’s house on the weekend for our date but she still needed some time to get ready so I sat in the living room waiting. This was when her older brother Josh walked in and saw me. He sat down across from me and we started chatting with each other.”

Rob raises his head and uses his hands to wipe the remaining tears from his cheeks and then turning to face me he resumes his story. “I felt a connection with Josh and at that time I didn’t understand what it meant. But over the weeks that followed Josh and I grew closer together. We formed a bond that I’ve never felt before and we became inseparable.”

“What did your parents think about Josh?” I ask.

“My dad noticed we were spending a lot of time together and grew to hate him. He told me Josh was a bad influence on me and I remember very clearly the day my dad forbid me to see him.”

“Why, what happened that day?”

“I was upset and told my dad that Josh was my best friend and I wouldn’t stop seeing him. This was when he did something I never expected. In a fit of rage my dad smacked me across the face with the back of his hand. He screamed ‘You will never see that boy again!’ and stormed out of the room.”

“Oh my god Rob… that’s horrible!!” I respond with concern as I thought to myself how his own dad can abuse a son like Rob. This is something I couldn’t wrap my head around.

“I remember standing there with my eyes closed and a strong stinging sensation on the right side of my face. But that’s not even the worst part…”

“Oh no, I don’t like the sound of that” as I reached out and put my hand on Rob’s shoulder.

“I was scared, so I gave into my dad’s request. I told Josh that we couldn’t be friends anymore and tried to ignore him as much as possible. But Josh wouldn’t give up.”

I could see in his face that Rob was getting emotional again as he continued telling his story “A couple of months ago I was at home with my dad. I was in my room reading a book and then I saw Josh walk in. He had sneaked into the house and into my room. I stood up and took a step towards him feeling both nervous and excited at the same time. This was when my world came crashing down …”

“Josh walked over and stood directly in front of me. I said nothing and stared back at him. He then stepped closer and my heart started racing, I was really scared. Josh leaned in close to me, closed his eyes, and put his lips on mine. My body started to shake but for some reason I too closed my eyes and started to kiss him back, it just felt right. Then I heard a deep voice behind me say…’What the fuck do you think you’re doing?’...”

“I opened my eyes and looked over to see my dad standing at my bedroom door, his face filled with fury. My heart dropped and I felt like I was going to throw up.”

“Oh my god Rob.” I respond with deep concern in my voice.

“What happened that day is something that has haunted my dreams every night. My dad walked over to us and grabbed Josh by his shirt and dragged him out of the room. I heard them arguing in the hallway as my dad proceeded to drag him out the front door yelling at him to never come near his family again, let alone step foot in this house…”

“I stood in my room, frozen; I was so terrified I couldn’t even move…This was when my dad stormed back into my room and grabbed me by the throat with one hand. He pushed me up against the wall and shouted ‘I did not raise a faggot, so you better get that shit out of your head’ …I couldn’t breathe as his grip was getting tighter and I started to feel light headed. ‘Do you fucking hear me Rob?’ he screamed as he squeezed tighter causing me to gasp. He loosened his grip and let go of my throat and I started to explain to him…”

I lean back on the couch trying to comprehend what Rob was saying. Listening to his story has my heart pounding and my mind an emotional wreck. I was on the verge of crying as I was trying to make sense of what he was telling me. Having feelings for other boys was something I shared with Rob but being abused by the very person who is supposed to love you unconditionally is something I couldn’t grasp.

“What did you say to your dad?”

Rob looks at me and says “I told him it wasn’t my fault… and that it was Josh that kissed me, not the other way around. I tried to explain to my dad that I’m not that way and what Josh did shocked me as much as him.”

“Really? But why would you say that? I thought you had feelings for Josh?”

“I did have feelings for him, but I also knew deep down it’s a sin. With my body filled with fear I didn’t know how to explain this to my dad especially since I didn’t understand those feelings myself.”

“So, what happened next?”

“A few days went by and I could sense that my dad didn’t completely believe me. He told my mom about what happened and they both agreed the best thing to do was leave town and focus on fixing my problem. We packed up everything we owned and within a month we moved here…”

Taking a deep breath Rob continued “My dad was close friends with the Pastor at the Portland church which is why we moved here. He told Reverend Stephens about the problems our family was facing and convinced him to make time to meet with me in the evenings and on weekends. Over the past few weeks Reverend Stephens helped me get closer to God. He taught me that the devil is trying to persuade me and that I needed to fight against these feelings I had for other boys.”

I was utterly speechless and many questions start to flood my mind. I grab the cup of tea from the side table and begin to sip on it reflecting on Rob’s words. I didn’t understand how religion could create such hatred, not only within his dad, but also within himself. As a child I’ve been to church a few times and I always thought they taught love, not hate. I took another sip of tea and I turn my attention back to Rob to say “It’s okay to be gay.”

Rob looks me square in the eye and is dead serious when he says “No, it’s not.”

As I stared back at Rob I was speechless and confused. I stood up from the couch and start pacing back and forth looking down at my feet deep in thought. Does Rob truly mean what he just said? I didn’t understand why he was making it so complicated, love is love. It’s normal to have feelings for someone, even if was another boy, and there certainly is nothing wrong with that.

I try to see myself in Rob’s shoes and begin to reflect on what his life must have been like growing up. His beliefs were grounded on his religious upbringing and everything he believes are etched deep down inside of him. If he was raised thinking that it’s wrong to love another boy then how can he betray God and give in to the Devil inside? It was at this moment I start to realize his internal struggle.

I reflect some more and then wonder what happened tonight that led him here, so I turn to face Rob and ask him “Sooo… what happened tonight?”

I saw a frown begin to form on Rob’s face as he starts to explain the events that led him to my front door.

“I prayed every night for these feelings to go away and after a couple of weeks they did start to subside. With Father Stephens help I was able to break free of the Devil’s hold on my mind. I formed a daily routine that involves God, I was in a good place, I was happy…”

“…and then last week at church I saw my dad chatting with another man. He was pointing at me and called me over. He introduced me to Peter, who told me he was looking for someone to work at the store.”

This caught my attention as I began to put the pieces of the story together in my mind.

“When I walked into the store that first day and saw you standing there, all of the feelings I had buried deep down inside of me came flooding back. I was scared and didn’t want to lose all the progress that Reverend Stephens and I worked so hard for but the more I tried to get you out of my mind the more obsessed I became about you.”

“What are you trying to say Rob?” I ask with a stunned look on my face.

“Last night I told my mom and dad that I met a boy at work and the feelings were starting to return. My dad was furious and yelled at me to control myself and not let the devil take over. I told him I had it under control and will focus my efforts on work. I couldn’t sleep last night and was up late thinking about what this all meant. How can these feelings be wrong when they feel so right?”

I think to myself because it’s not wrong but I let Rob continue his story.

“Before I left for work this morning my dad lectured me again to fight against these feelings and don’t let the evil win. I spent most of the day thinking about why this was so wrong. When you invited me over for drinks I couldn’t refuse and I wanted to go with you. My mom told my dad that I called her earlier tonight to say I would be home late. As soon as he found out he began to suspect I was up to something and immediately called my cell phone to demand I come home and when I got home …” Rob begins to trail off as he sits up on the couch.

He suddenly erupts into tears and buries his face into his hands with his elbows resting on his knees. As the seconds tick by he begins to cry even harder and becomes even louder as he relives the memory of tonight’s events in his mind.

I can only imagine that something horrible happened to him tonight. After hearing Rob tell me his dad grabbed him by the throat until he couldn’t breathe, I knew he was capable of doing much more harm. My mind begins to drown in horrific thoughts of the abuse that Rob might have suffered tonight. I sit back down on the couch and pull Rob close to me.

Trying to comfort Rob I begin rubbing his back, “shhhhhh… It’s going to be okay Rob. You don’t have to tell me what happened, you are safe now.”

Rob still with tears streaming down his face whispers “I told my parents that I’m trying to change but these feelings are a part of who I am. I told them that I think I’m in love.”

It took me a few moments to clue in. Did I just hear what I think I did? Did Rob just say he told his parents that he thinks he loves me? My heart stopped as my mind starts racing to make sense of this. A few minutes ago Rob told me being gay was not okay and now here he was sitting in my arms telling me he told his parents that he might be in love with me. I know we’ve only just met but I too feel a strong connection to him. I open my mouth to respond but he quickly cuts me off and continues to explain.

“It’s too upsetting to talk about what my dad did next. All I can remember is looking over at my mom with a sense of hope wishing she would do something to stop the pain. She remained calm and stared back at me. I could see by the expression on her face that she would do nothing. My dad shouted that he was beating the evil out of me and I kept praying for it to end…”

I squeeze Rob tighter as tears start flowing down my face.

“When my dad’s energy was drained I was left lying on the floor, my body bruised… yet my feelings were unchanged. The evil inside of me had survived his wrath and the last thing I heard my dad say was ‘I don’t have a gay son’ as he turned and walked away. My mom looked down on me and shook her head in disgust before following my dad out of the room.”

I quietly respond “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

Rob continues speaking “I pulled myself onto my feet and limped towards the back door. I quietly opened it and slowly walked out into the dark night. I don’t know where I was going but I knew I couldn’t stay there. As I walked across the backyard and deeper into the darkness I began to feel safer. I walked and walked until my feet were sore and when I looked up I saw a light in the distance. I moved towards it and discovered it was a streetlamp. I sat down, leaned back against it, closed my eyes, and my mind drifted away…”

“…I don’t know how long I was out for, but I was brought back to reality when I heard a car drive by. I opened my eyes and realized I was sitting beside the street that the store was on, the street that you lived on, and at that moment I knew I had to come see you.”

I sit in silence taking it all in, trying to make sense of Rob’s story. I remember when I came out to my parents a few years earlier only my experience was nothing like his. I told my twin sister, Julie, first and she was quick to respond that she already knew. This came as a surprise as I always thought I was alone in my journey of discovering myself. Shortly after I told my parents I was gay and they had many questions like ‘How do you know for sure this isn’t a phase?’ to which I responded ‘this is who I am, who I’ve always been, and who I’ll always be.’ It took them some time to fully understand but they were always very supportive and open minded to learn more. When I reflect back on my experience with my parents I have no idea how I would have reacted if they treated me like Rob’s parents had. I need to be here for Rob and try to convince him this is who he is.

I turn towards Rob and say “You can’t escape from who you are.”

“But I don’t like who I am.”

“Then who do you want to be?”

“I just want to be a good boy.”

“You are a good boy Rob, don’t you see that!”

“But these feelings…”

I cut him off and started to explain my point of view “These feelings are completely natural, trust me, it’s not the work of the Devil. I don’t know much about what the church preaches about being gay but the only thing wrong about what happened tonight is what your dad did to you.”

I continue to explain how I feel “Just clear your mind of everything else and focus on my voice. Being gay is okay, it’s not a sin, and you will not go to hell. You need have faith in yourself Rob. If you give in to your true self and accept these feelings then you might just be surprised at what you discover about yourself.”

I can see in Rob’s face that he’s continuing to struggle internally between right and wrong. He looks up at the ceiling and closes his eyes and thinks this through. He tilts his head down and looks straight at me as I continue to provide him with the positive support he needs “Rob, I think you are beautiful just the way you are. You are a good person no matter what your parents or church says.”

A single tear rolls down his face as he closes his eyes and says “Kiss me…”

I dreamed of kissing Rob from the moment I met him, but now I wasn’t sure if this was the right time. He is still very emotional about the events that took place tonight and trusted me enough to open up with the truth. I convince myself that if I show him what love feels like then this could help him believe in himself. I slowly lean forward close my eyes and put my lips on his. I wait a moment and then begin to kiss him more fiercely as I place my hand on the back of his neck. I take things further and push my tongue out against his lips. I feel his mouth open letting me inside. Our tongues touch one another and begin swirling around in each other’s mouths.

My heart is racing as my mind can’t believe this is happening. I’ve dreamed of this moment for a long time but I always felt alone. I never knew if there was anyone like me in this town, and now here I was on my couch experiencing my very first kiss with a boy.

I lean back on the couch and ask Rob “Was that okay?”

He opens his eyes and with a slight smile replies “Yes, better than okay.”

I know Rob can’t go back to his house after what happened tonight so I outright tell him “You are staying here with me tonight… I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through and what’s going through your mind. I know you’re still struggling with accepting your true identity and I’ll be here every step of the way to help you discover it.”

He smiles and replies with “Thank you… you don’t know how much this means to me.”

Rob yawns and then says “It’s been a long night, do you mind if I try to get some sleep?”

“Of course not, I want you to know that I’ll never make you do anything you don’t want to do. Okay?” This was the least I can do for Rob after everything he’s been through.

“Okay” he says as we both get up from the couch.

“I have a queen size bed, so if you don’t mind sharing?”

“Nope, I don’t mind at all, I just need some rest. I’m absolutely drained.”

I lead Rob into the bedroom and we stand at the end of my bed. I take off my t-shirt and remove my sweat pants leaving on my boxers. I look over at Rob and he’s already taken off his shirt and removes his jeans leaving him in his underwear. I stare at his body in shock of what I’m seeing. His chest, stomach, and entire back is brimming with bruises.

“Oh… my… god… Rob, your body!”

He looks down and for the first time discovers the damage his dad has left him with. This time he doesn’t cry but just stares at himself in silence.

I walk past Rob towards the bathroom and say “Lay down on the bed, I’ll get some cream to put on you.”

I grab ointment from the bottom drawer and rush back to the bedroom seeing Rob still standing in place. I walk over to him and gently put my arm around his shoulder.

“Seeing it makes it hurt more.” he quietly whispers.

“Everything’s going to be okay… come on, lay down on the bed… I’ll make you feel better.”

I walk with him and help him onto my bed. He lays face down and places his head onto his arm as I hop up and sit beside him. I squirt some of the cream from the bottle into my hands and begin to rub it into Rob’s back. I gently massage his shoulders and I hear him moan. I examine his body and look down at his legs, his feet, and then up at his ass. He’s wearing white Hanes underwear which are very thin. I can just barely see through it to make out the curves of his ass. My hands go lower and I begin to rub some more cream into his lower back. I hear Rob make a few more moans and I quickly got a hard on. I wanted him so badly but I would never dare take advantage of him in this situation. I begin to feel guilty for getting aroused and having such thoughts in the first place. Here he was battered and bruised, emotionally defeated and all I can think of is sex. I continue to massage him and moments later he starts breathing heavily and then begins snoring. I lie down beside Rob and stare at him with disbelief that he’s here in my bed, sound asleep. I couldn’t help but smile and I quietly whisper “I love you too” as I close my eyes and drift off into sleep.