My Little Secret - 2. Chapter 2- "How It Feels"

I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon locked in my bedroom. The tears just wouldn't stop pouring. I tried to think of something else, but my thoughts always raced back to Jaime. I thought of his silky brown hair, his shining green eyes, the sunlight on his soft tan skin. Then, my mind went to the other night... when I told him everything.

I was at his house which was walking distance from my own. It was Sunday evening and Jaime and I were talking about school, other classmates, and whatever else came to mind.

"Hey, I bet that girl Stephanie is a huge slut." I sort of just shrugged at him. Me and Jaime usually had everything in common, but when it came to girls I never really put much in the conversation. He looked at me with a smile and said, "Don't you think so? I saw her at that party the other day, and she also goes to our school."

"Doesn't Stephanie have a boyfriend? I was at the same party and I saw them together"

"Yeah, but she's always running around with that kid, Kaydon. I heard they always talk and hangout. I bet they do it all the time. I wouldn't mind getting closer to her." He said with a laugh.

I looked at him with confusion... I thought he knew about Kaydon. "Dude... you know Kaydon is gay right?"

"Really!?" He looked at me. A shocked expression on his face. "Wow... I guess I never pictured Kaydon as a faggot."

*sigh* That word... "Um, yeah. Hey, I'm going to use the bathroom real quick." I tried to get away from this subject.

He replied, "Sure, man. Whatever."

I got up from the couch me and Jaime were sitting on and went to the bathroom. I turned the lights on, closed the door, and went to the sink. I hate how he just throws that word around like it's nothing. I can't get mad about it, though. It's not like he knew or anything.

I looked up at my reflection, my blue eyes looking back at me. Whenever it came to my looks I never really categorized myself as "cute" or "attractive." I didn't think I was ugly or anything, but I always compare my look to Jaime and there's no way I could match his beauty. Sometimes girls would come up to me and ask for my number and Jaime would always make this "ooooo" sound. They were never what I truly desired, but being friends with Jaime is enough for me. My blonde hair hung a little past my eyebrows, and my light skin sort of 'gleamed' in the light. I ruffled my hair a bit and left the bathroom.

Luckily the whole "gay" subject was left alone and Jaime and I resumed our Sunday night before school started back with games and total junk food fests. After finishing a few games, I noticed Jaime looking at me. We were both sitting on his floor and I stopped to face him. A weird smile was on his face.

"Uh... what are you-" I found myself being pushed and I was now lying on my back. I heard Jaime giggling and I sat back up. "What the hell was that for-" He pushed me again!

Jaime crawled over to where I was and layed down next to me. He looked at me and said, "You know... I'm really glad were friends, Ash."

Oh, no. My body started to heat up. "Um, me to, Jaime..."

He looked up to the ceiling, and closed his eyes. I watched him just lay there... my body getting even hotter. Then, an image of me kissing Jaime flashed in my mind. NO, stop it. Just... don't think about it. But... I couldn't stop staring... maybe if I just...

I found myself moving forward, the scent of Jaime started filling my nose. Then, my lips were placed on his cheek... then...

"Asher? What the hell!?" I backed away and Jaime stared at me hard. He jumped up and so did I. He started to yell, "Why did you just do that!?"

"I, uh..." I could barely speak, but I needed to say something. I decided maybe I needed to tell him... It was too late to pretend it didn't happen. He was furious. "Jaime... I, um. I'm... gay." The words floated off of my tongue. I can't believe I just told him that! "... but I, uh, also really like you, and..." Ok, I probably need to stop.

"Asher... that's..." Then he said those hurtful words. "... so damn sick."

"Jaime..." Why would he say that... I know I messed up, but how could he say that about his best friend.

"I want you out..." I stood still. Not realizing how serious he actually was. "I said GET OUT!!" He pushed me hard against the wall. My arm banging against it and starting to sting.

I just looked at him, tears starting to sting my eyes and blur my vision. I got up and walked to his front door, slinging it open and running towards my house. I hurt... not just on my arm or anywhere else, but my heart was just shot. I came out to my best friend... and confessed my love to him. Now it's all over.

I sat in bed and kept thinking about how he yelled at me, and how he slammed me into the wall. I'm so stupid... I should've just let those feelings go. When I got home my mom saw me in tears and saw my bruises and was in panic. I guess in my sadness I just kind of blurted out my secret. Everything is just screwed...

I heard a knock at my door. "Go away." I mumbled.

My mom peeked her head in and laughed a little, "No." She walked towards my bed and I threw my head under the covers. "Oh, so you think that magically makes me vanish, huh?" She started to playfully pull them off of me, but I had won. Then, she tried to TICKLE me!

"MOM, stop!" I kept giggling helplessly. She kept going and I said, "OK. Just stop." I pushed the covers off of my head and sat up to face her.

"Well, that's better. I almost forgot what you look like considering that you've been in here for ages." She smiled at me.

"Mom... it's been a day. I don't feel like talking right now." She must've heard the ache in my voice. She got up and placed my head in her hands, and kissed my forehead.

"You know I love you, right?"

"Yes, mom. I know. I love you to."

"Alright..." She started to walk toward the door. She turned and said, "Don't forget you have school in the morning. You can't stay in this room and mope forever, understand?"

"Yes, mom, I know."

"Ok, babe. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, mom."

She closed the door, and I was left by myself again. I love my mom... but I'm not in a very happy cheery mood. I'm glad she's trying to help, but she just doesn't understand. No one know how I feel. I've lost my best friend and my first love and it just sucks...

I hope tomorrow is a little better...