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    benashton
  • benashton
  • Author
  • 08/25/2014
  • 552 Words
  • 1,217 Views
  • 9 Comments
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

Ben Ashton's prompts - extremely short stories - 1. Prompt 348

First line : “Can you give me one reason why I should believe you?”

“Can you give me one reason why I should believe you?”

“It’s hard to prove a negative.”

“It shouldn’t be hard to try, Pete.”

“I’m not sure the point is for you to believe me. The point is for me to tell you the truth, to find it in me to tell you I don’t love you anymore. That’s hard enough.”

“I do believe you want to leave. I do believe you don’t feel able to date a man. But this is not what you found in you to say. However, I don’t believe you don’t love me. And I don’t believe you want to spare my feelings. You’re not that kind of a coward.”

“Listen to yourself. You sound like there aren’t that many feelings to spare in the first place.”

“You want to have that conversation, Pete, it’s not my job to make it easy on you.”

“You’ve never tried to make anything easy on me. Maybe that’s why I don’t love you anymore. That’s one reason.”

“It is. It might be.”

“There you have it then.”

“The thing is, if you don’t love me, you should be happy, you should be relieved. I am, in a way. But you’re scared. You look scared. You look just as scared as six months ago, when you first kissed me and weren’t sure whether I’d kiss you back or punch you in the face. And nothing that we’ve been through since then, none of the shit that we dealt with, seemed to have alleviated your fears. And that’s what’s sad, that’s what’s hard. This would make sense, your leaving would make sense, if you had to show something for the ten months of secret meetings, drunken begging, angry sex and holding your hand under the table. You’re just giving up. And if you still love me, as I think you do, it just means more of the same for the next few months ahead. Regrets, begging, misplaced lust.”

“I should be silent, now. I should let you wallow in your self-righteousness. I am scared, Michael. I am scared that I fell in and out of love with you so fast. I am scared because I don’t know what it means. But I am relieved too. I’m not your project anymore. I’m not for you to save any longer. I can take care of myself. And if I trip and fall, I’m sure it’ll be good for me not to have you to run to. I’m grateful, Michael, don’t get me wrong, but we’re living two different stories. I just don’t want to be in yours anymore, not the one where I’m the straight, emotionally closed-off fuck-up who gives you a purpose in life. We’ve given each other everything we could, and that’s pretty fantastic as it is.”

“We probably are living two different stories. But in mine, believe me, you’re not straight. You’re not closed-off, you’re needy, yet in an oddly charming way. And you’re not a fuck-up, you’re just lost.”

“Jesus.”

“What?”

“Listen to yourself.”

“I rarely do. If one of us is fuck-up, it’s probably me. If my purpose really had been to fix you, how lame am I right now?”

“You fixed me all right, Michael.”

“Can you give me one reason why I should believe you?”

Copyright © 2014 benashton; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments

Ron

I expected intelligent writing from you, and it is—intelligent dialogue—perhaps to the detriment of the story. Although it is easy to read that one person is speaking, and then another, it is not so easy to find a difference in the voices. This could easily be one person (one voice) rehearsing a conversation in their head before having the real conversation; the exception being the repetition of the opening line at the end—but does that make it clever enough.

benashton
On 08/28/2014 06:31 AM, Lisa said:
Well, at least the break-up is sort of amicable. lol

 

I enjoyed reading this Ben. I almost called you Ben Asher. There's a story here and the two main characters are Ben and Asher. lol

 

I liked the reasoning behind Michael and Pete's opinions on their relationship.

 

I still need to read your Spring 2003 story! =)

Thanks, Lisa.

I look forward to your comments on my previous story!

  • Like 1
benashton
On 08/28/2014 03:49 AM, Ron said:
I expected intelligent writing from you, and it is—intelligent dialogue—perhaps to the detriment of the story. Although it is easy to read that one person is speaking, and then another, it is not so easy to find a difference in the voices. This could easily be one person (one voice) rehearsing a conversation in their head before having the real conversation; the exception being the repetition of the opening line at the end—but does that make it clever enough.
Excellent point, Ron. Thanks. I should have crafted two more distinct voices, you're absolutely right.

I was focused on trying to constantly shift the allegiance/sympathy of the reader from one character to the other (that's the 'writing exercise' i had tasked myself with) and give a sense of loop to these kind of break-up conversations, as they often feel in real life. Hence the trick at the end, indeed.

But, yes, a key to character building (even/especially in short snippets as these) is getting the voice right.

  • Like 1
ColumbusGuy

Nicely done Ben! Coming to grips with a relationship is a thing which continues even after it's ended...and this makes that clear. I wanted to know more specifics about their time together.

 

Ron has a good point about differentiatioin in voice, but I could see this if the two, despite levels of comfort, came from similar academic backgrounds. I'd have used more supplementary signs, like having them look away from one another or pausing to examine the other's reactions....but then, one of my strengths has been plotting in scenes rather than dialogue.

 

I'd give it a great mark, minus only a small bit for having to retrace to see who was speaking. :) Got to check out your other story now!

benashton
On 08/28/2014 10:20 PM, ColumbusGuy said:
Nicely done Ben! Coming to grips with a relationship is a thing which continues even after it's ended...and this makes that clear. I wanted to know more specifics about their time together.

 

Ron has a good point about differentiatioin in voice, but I could see this if the two, despite levels of comfort, came from similar academic backgrounds. I'd have used more supplementary signs, like having them look away from one another or pausing to examine the other's reactions....but then, one of my strengths has been plotting in scenes rather than dialogue.

 

I'd give it a great mark, minus only a small bit for having to retrace to see who was speaking. :) Got to check out your other story now!

Thanks, CG, for the great feedback.

I take these prompts are great writing exercises, that get you out of your comfort zone. Your comments are helpful, so thanks for taking the time!

  • Like 1
benashton
On 08/28/2014 10:20 PM, ColumbusGuy said:
Nicely done Ben! Coming to grips with a relationship is a thing which continues even after it's ended...and this makes that clear. I wanted to know more specifics about their time together.

 

Ron has a good point about differentiatioin in voice, but I could see this if the two, despite levels of comfort, came from similar academic backgrounds. I'd have used more supplementary signs, like having them look away from one another or pausing to examine the other's reactions....but then, one of my strengths has been plotting in scenes rather than dialogue.

 

I'd give it a great mark, minus only a small bit for having to retrace to see who was speaking. :) Got to check out your other story now!

Thanks, CG, for the great feedback.

I take these prompts are great writing exercises, that get you out of your comfort zone. Your comments are helpful, so thanks for taking the time!

And, as for Lisa, I look forward to your thoughts on the other story.

  • Like 1
comicfan

I never know what way a story is going to go for an author when they start my prompt. This was different. Almost a cerebral talk about the break up. As a reader you couldn't really feel upset or sympathize with one or the other because even they were unsure about everything happening. I will agree it almost seemed to be happening as practice run. Either way interesting read.

benashton
On 08/29/2014 10:11 AM, comicfan said:
I never know what way a story is going to go for an author when they start my prompt. This was different. Almost a cerebral talk about the break up. As a reader you couldn't really feel upset or sympathize with one or the other because even they were unsure about everything happening. I will agree it almost seemed to be happening as practice run. Either way interesting read.
Thanks CF.

I look forward to your next prompts.

  • Like 1
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