A Thousand Nights with You - 21. The Dork Lord of Holborn

Day 257

I’m not the kind who does journals. You know that, Daniel. I can’t handle heavy stuff. I’d joke about feelings sooner than I will talk about them. But this is the only way I can talk to you.

You had been gone for more than half a year.

The only thing you left behind is this Walkman that I bought for your tenth birthday. It’s that grey boxy vintage mini-cassette tape player that still uses AAA batteries to run? I’m using it now to say all these to you.

My first confession - I lied to you about using all my piggy bank savings to buy that present. It was a real bargain I got from a second hand dealer from Cape Town. You actually believed me when I told you that it was an antique. Well, it is a relic from the eighties. No one uses Walkman these days. You’re so smart but so gullible sometimes.

I listened to all of your journal entries. And one day if you’re listening to this, don’t be mad. It’s not like I’m perving into your private life or something (although I did get a few good laughs from your wet dream about Mark).

I just missed your voice too much. And I would’ve listened to it every day if I had more batteries. They are so hard to barter nowadays, even from the black market.

We have been staying at the New Sandpoint settlement since we left the orphanage. It’s up the mountain inside the National Park and it’s kind of like the mountain villages we stayed in Kenya. Remember the scenic one with the lake and the river which Mom loved to bits?

Our settlement is not too far away from the Cathedral. Pete and I always joked about how they named the place New Sandpoint. What do they call the rest? New New York Settlement? New New Orlean Settlement? Pete always cracks up when I pull that one. The brass say it’s to give the survivors some sense of identity, let them feel a new lease of life. I bet you would come out with a better name, maybe Mount Doom or something.

The brass in charge is an army guy (surprise, surprise) – Major Payne. He’s otherwise known as Major Payne-in-the-ass. Despite his unfortunate name and being an anal bureaucratic freak, he’s actually a pretty decent man. But then again, so is Colonel Walters in the beginning until things got really dire and desperate. He (Major Payne) was an ex-school Principal, just like most of the soldiers who joined the army after it started. The veteran soldiers are far and few, many died in the initial outbreak. Grey and Peter are like war relics now.

Life is tough here, but it isn’t as bad as Lincoln High. I bet you would like it here. This is a Blue zone, which means it is pretty safe, at least for now. Five thousand people made it to the settlement. Five thousand out of two million on that Highway survived. And the brass calls it a resounding success. You do the math.

It is spring time now, and we made it through winter. Most of us did, anyway. The snow has finally melted and Adam is eager to go out and play.

I woke up at dawn today to sit by the cliff and watch the sun rise. I have been doing that every day ever since you were gone. It overlooks the Cathedral and the estate below. That was the last time I saw your face. I wish I had taken a second look. And I wish you are around to see the spring view from the mountain. It’s such a gorgeous sight – the rolling plains of lush green forest stretching all the way to the horizon, and the morning sky is a shade of amber red.

Felicia thinks it looks like the world had plunged into hell - the sky is tainted with blood and if you look down the cliff, you could see the million or so infected clawing their hands in the air, trying to reach us. She’s so doom and gloom, don’t you think?

And guess what? The pile of corpses we left behind at the Cathedral are still there. But they are mostly bones now. I can see it from the cliff with the binoculars. Now and then, when I see something moved in the Orphanage yard, I would think that it’s you. Even though it’s just false alarm, it gets my hope up every time – all ninety-eight of them. One day, I know I will get lucky eventually.

You know your brother, I’m always the optimist, or as you say - the dumb one. I’d rather think about the growing grass and the blooming flowers on the field instead of the hell below us. That’s why I believe you will come home someday.

I sat by the cliff until the sky is fully bright. There is nothing much for me to do other than watching the fields, sharing a meal with old friends, jacking off, or if I’m lucky, bedding Felicia when she’s in the mood. I made my way down the mountain. Today is Peter’s shift at the barricade sentry, and normally he’ll let me pass. But today he stopped me.

I asked him why and he said the patrols have seen something disturbing.

“That’s unusual.” I gave him that look and he knows I’m being sarcastic.

“No, I’m serious, Trist. There’s some shit going on down there.”

He told me what the roving patrol saw two weeks ago. All of us thought they were buried under that snow and probably froze to death during winter. But they are actually hiding. Since when did the bastards get so smart? Pete says he saw some of them acts like ‘leaders’ and can communicate with the other infected in their packs.

“I tell you man. Grace isn’t shitting when she says these freaks evolve faster than friggin’ Darwin.”

“They’d just gotten smart but still dumber than me. I can deal with that.” I tried to argue my way through, but Pete didn’t want to buy it.

“Go home, Trist. You got to move on. Spend time with Adam instead. He misses you when you’re gone for too long.”

I turned away feeling like shit. Pete has always been on my side when it comes to believing that you are still alive. He thinks you’re some kind of Einstein or something. It really hurts to know I’m the only one left who hasn’t given up on you.

Move on?

How?

You don’t move on your family. That’s why they are called family. Isn’t that so, Daniel? Every time I see Adam, he reminds me of you when you are little. Both of you had the same big brown eyes.

After that, I left the barricade to prepare for Adam’s fourth birthday.

We had decided for his birthday to be today since none of us knows when his real birthday is. He can only tell us about the cake and the sprinklers in the lawn. So we guess it’s probably in the spring time. He doesn’t know his last name either. So he is officially a Reynolds now. It’s also a good thing he can’t remember much of his parents. As far as he is concerned, I’m his Dad, though I never let him calls me that. And guess what, he remembers you. He asked me whether you are coming for his birthday. It broke my heart to hear him say that. I wish I could tell him yes.

He remembers you as the skinny boy with the girly hair who carried him. And no, I didn’t make that up to annoy you. To him, anyone with long hair is a girl.

Grace is holding the party at her place. She has a real house high up in the Mountains, not some makeshift cabin like ours or those army issued tents that some people are staying in. Payne puts her back into research and the house is her facility. Sister Latoya puts the orphans there so it’s also doubles up as a nursery for kids who had lost their parents. We didn’t want to call it an orphanage because that would be dumb when so many of us are orphaned by the plague.

Most of the children survived the winter. The oldest one died to pneumonia and malnutrition. All of us chipped in to help with the food, but with so many mouths to feed, it isn’t easy at all. The bulk of the army rations and relief aids from the air drops go to the soldiers. We all know what happens when men with guns got desperate and go rogue, so we didn’t really complained about that. The girl didn’t make it because she gave most of her food the young ones. When we visited, her tummy is so swollen that she can’t get out from her bedroll. She’s like one of those kids we saw during the famine stricken areas of Africa.

So, when spring came, everyone is hopeful. New life is born and we are better prepared for winter than we first came. That’s why we thought that it’s a good time to celebrate and be grateful for those who did survive. And that’s how it became Adam’s birthday today.

Felicia must have seen the look on my face when he asked about you. She offered him some fruits from the garden and told me that I should be out checking the traps and hunts since we have a feast to prepare later. It is nice having a woman around sometimes, they pick these things up and they know how to deal with it. Sometimes, I think the only emotions we need is humour. You can’t be happy with life all the time, but you can always laugh about it. Anyway, she knew I needed to be alone and she gave me the perfect reason to take my leave.

Hunting and fishing quiets me down. It keeps me from thinking about you, and about Mom and Dad. I start the hunt early so that I can get there before the others. It was a good hunt today. I snared some rabbits in the traps and got us some trout from the lake. And when I thought the day couldn’t get any better, I spotted an elk and I actually managed to hunt it down.

It’s illegal to hoard food and to overhunt. So I had to barter the excess food for other daily supplies like clothes, medicines, toiletries etc. People normally sell it at the black market because there is a limited amount you can exchange if you trade it with the army store. You don’t want the brass to know you’re hunting our food source to extinction. That would be bad news. Besides, you can only get the standard necessities from the army store like medicine, bedrolls and other kinds of food from them. The black market has everything, wires, furniture, utensils, batteries and (can you believe it?) they even have porn.

I spend the whole morning skinning, cutting up the meat, and drying them in the sun. They are worth more if they are sold as jerkies.

You won’t believe Felicia’s face when she saw it, it’s like we hit the jackpot or something. Yes, even the ice queen gets excited sometime. For the first time, she actually looks sixteen. If none of this had happened, I would imagine her to be one of those girls with pink nail polish and cherry lip gloss. But God, she is one tough woman. Sometimes she makes me feel like I’m the one wearing the skirt at home. For the whole morning, she’s been bossing me around to cut the meat into smaller slices so that we can barter for more stuff that way. It’s kind of like having loose change, if you know what I mean.

The three of us live at the Black Zone commune, which is at the lowest part of the Mountain. Grey and Pete stay at the Barracks with the army, further up. Grace and the Sister stay at the mountain top with the Blue zone residents. It’s good that I don’t see them too often. They only remind me of how I had failed you. If I hadn’t collapsed that day, you wouldn’t have gone alone.

All of us who stayed in this commune come from the black zones cities. In other words, we are the true hard-core survivors who went through hell and back.

Our commune is closest to the barricades and if there’s a breach, we are the first to fall. They put us down here because we are the toughest lot. If anyone can survive a breach, it would be us. Some call us the ‘Business’ class zone because we also have lots of space to build our lodges, to hunt, to fish and to grow food. Few people would willingly choose to stay here. There are only four hundred of us and so most of us know each other by their faces.

By right, Adam should stay with the other kids, but he refuse to leave my side. Thanks to you, he clings to me like a monkey to a tree. You put him to sleep on my body before you left, and now he thinks I’m the best mattress ever. Our commune is dangerously close to the barricades and so Adam isn’t allowed to play outside without me or Felicia around. Sometimes, we find a stray infected crawling up the steep slope by the forest. None of us know how they manage that. The infected can’t really use their fingers or coordinate their limbs.

In any case, staying here turns out to be blessing in disguise. There is more wild life to hunt since there’re so few of us. We are all survivors from the black zones which is why our commune is named after where we are from. All of us survived the worst hit cities and you can say we’re tough as shit. Major Payne also thinks that our common suffering would bond us. To some extent that is true, some of the blue zone evacuees never had a close encounter with the infected. They still have their families with them. Sometimes you can see them at the black market and they behave like none of the shit happened. They are so oblivious to the fact that we are that close to extinction. So on this one, the brass is right about segregating us. We are all too scarred to live with the normal folks now.

I didn’t really mind staying at our spot. It might not be the safest place and we’re too far from the windmills to get any electricity. But it isn’t really that bad if you know how to live off the land. There is fresh water from the lakes, plenty of fishes and wild life if you can hunt. During winter, many families in the upper communes had it bad because there isn’t enough power to heat up so many homes. On our side, we got lots of wood to keep the fire going.

Many people from our commune were lawyers, bankers and other office drones who don’t know how to chop their own wood for fire, or build a proper house. It’s a good thing that I was a Boy Scout and we practically grew up in the wilds. One guy actually offered me a hundred grand in solid cash for me to build a log cabin for him. He holds out these huge wads of greenbacks like I’m supposed to be impressed with. I looked at him and thought he was crazy. What am I supposed to do with it? Wipe my ass? Use it to fuel the fire in winter?

So you can imagine, most of our neighbours have no useful skills to thrive in this new world. I thought they won’t make it through winter. But they are tenacious enough to survive the black zones. Some of them had it worse than what we had in Lincoln High. This middle aged trader, who lived two sheds down, told us he was trapped in his office pantry when it happened. He had to eat rats and roaches when his building was overrun. And there is also this woman who survived a month on the bones marrows of those who starved to death. Now you know why Major Payne doesn’t want to put us together with the Brady bunch communes.

I taught them how to hunt and to set traps. They also had engineers and architects who come forth and shared their knowledge how to build homes that will keep us warm, making the sanitary system works that kind of stuff. Our town hall meetings are pretty useful, not some boring speeches from the brass. Many of them know how to fish so that’s a start for them. It’s quite humbling to see CEOs and big-ass lawyers offering to clean our latrine for food and tools. But like I said, us ‘Blackies’ (that’s what we call ourselves) are a tenacious lot. We will do anything to survive.

Felicia gathered some seeds and nuts and we grew a garden near our cabin. We are one of the better off household in the Black Zone. So in the beginning, we have people who try to steal and rob from us. Radios, they always want to steal radios. They are worth a bomb in the black market. But most of them were sorry when they try to break in. They had no idea who they are messing around with. And I’m not talking about me.

So life was tough, but we made it. There are days I can even say that I’m happy. Having Adam on my lap, watching Felicia brings back her hunt. It almost feels like having a family again. Despite the fact that she’s living with me and occasionally, having sex, Felicia and I are not together or anything. Both of us probably felt the same way. We didn’t dare to let ourselves care for anyone again. We know how it feels like when you lose them someday. Adam is probably the only exception we can make for ourselves.

Even though we had barely enough to eat during Christmas, I made your share just in case you show up and in need of a warm meal. Everyone thought I was crazy.

We took about an hour to get the food ready. Both of us carried the remaining elk meat to the black market, which is at the red zone commune and about half an hour’s hike up the mountain. Felicia exchanged some of it for flour and strawberries for the party. We met Sister Latoya at the black market and she said she is going to bake some potatoes with butter for Adam later.

“Aren’t Nuns supposed to be law-abiding or something?” I said to her. Trading at the black market is illegal. That’s why it’s called a black market. And you know what that old nun said to me?

“Well, only if it’s God’s law.”

She can be a riot sometimes. The way she cocks her head, flashes a smile and carried a basket full of potatoes like she just totally owned me. Felicia gloats when she saw that I got outwitted by the old nun. We made our way up together, and the Sister told us that Grace had invited some neighbours and they are going to bring some goat milk and cheese for the party. You should see how our little reacts to that news. He jumps like he’s on a trampoline when he hears all the food for his party. Isn’t he exactly like you? I would swear that he’d come out from your ass if someone tells me gay boys can get pregnant.

It’s another long hike to reach Grace’s mountain top abode. We have to past by eight other communes before we can reach her place. Our communes are normally separated by some natural obstacles – a river, a lake, a narrow trail. They spread us out to avoid congregation risk, so that if one gets overrun they can cut off the roads to the higher plains. So you can imagine how much sweat we have to work out before we can get our asses up there. Her place used to be a holiday lodge next to the observatory. Now it’s her home and research facility.

Peter and Grey were already there when we arrived. “Late as usual, Tristan.” Grey said with his usual swagger.

“I have an excuse.” I point to Adam, whom I am carrying.

“And what you did bring for the birthday boy?” Felicia asked.

Grey and Pete are soldiers, so I didn’t expect them to have any produce or hunts to share. But Grey brings up a bottle from his bag and smiles.

“Really? Chardonnay for a four year old?” Felicia scoffed.

Then Pete nudged me and whispers, “We’re planning to get the kids drunk so that we can have some peace.”

And you know what I said? “Brilliant.”

That, of course, didn’t go down well with the iron lady. I don’t know why she has to be so serious all the time. And to be honest, it’s so hard to be a parent and I feel sorry for Mom and Dad for having two of us. I mean you never get your own space once you have a kid. I’m only nineteen, but I feel like I’m bloody thirty nine or something. It’s a good thing Felicia is not my wife or anything. I can’t handle a kid and a woman at the same time. It’s not like I don’t like them. But there are so much shit going on and you just need to bail and breathe some quiet air from time to time. Other than our old group, Grace invited some neighbours who had also brought their own kids. And with the orphans, you can imagine the amount of noise they make is louder than a whole city of the infected.

Grace introduced us to the Fiennes. They are a family of farmers who have been staying in Sandpoint for their whole lives. I met them a few times when we bartered some of our hunts for their produce and livestock. They are one of the decent folks who gave food to the orphans during winter. And they are also one of those who had never seen an infected in their life.

We helped out at the kitchen, talking and preparing our meals together. I felt smothered by so many people chatting and making small talks with you. It wasn’t too bad until the Fiennes start complaining about the heating, that the electricity is always out and how bad the toilets smell. It took a lot out of me to not give them a piece of my mind. What do they have to whine about? They have their whole family. In the end, I slammed the meat on the table and walked out of the kitchen.

I went to the observatory and lean against the railing. I look down the mountains and I thought how good it will feel to just let go and fall down from that height. I feel so tired.

Then I felt a hand on my shoulders, as if to stop me from doing so. Grey followed me and asked if I’m okay.

I’m not okay.

But I said yes.

It is my son’s birthday and I should look happy.

If it weren’t for that little guy, I would have jumped long ago. Damn you, Daniel. Did you know this all along? Is that why you picked him up and put him in my arms?

We went inside and sang a birthday song for him before we start the meal. Grace turned on the TV so that the kids can watch them while we drink and chat at the dining table. Adam loves it because he hardly gets to watch them. I don’t get why? There isn’t cartoons or programmes for kids. It’s always about the war, which cities have fallen or downgraded its safety classification. Occasionally we get updates on what’s happening in the world. China was hit the hardest. It used to be the most populous country in the world and now it’s the most infested country in the world. And if it wasn’t news, it will show one of those talk shows to debunk all the rumours that are floating around about the infection. Ignorance kills more people than the infected does sometimes. I didn’t watch these programmes because they are too depressing. I didn’t want Adam to be watching these stuff, so I switched the channel and it’s playing one of those war propaganda movies.

“Look! It’s Uncle Grey and Sammie!” Adam shrieked.

It was one of the old re-runs of the ‘documentary’ when the reporters filmed the fight in the Cathedral. While we were fighting for our lives, the army witnessed the horde rushing into the Cathedral for more than six hours. They stood on the cliffs wondering why the infected doesn’t stop rushing into the Cathedral. Normally they will finish up a bunch of survivors faster than the piranhas. The Press who were reporting the evacuation live saw it and they flew in the choppers to film what’s going on down below.

They recorded the whole footage and made a time lapse version, and I must it looked pretty amazing. From the sky, it looks like the swarm goes into the Cathedral and got zapped by the big old man. The corpses pile up in speed time to the point that the Cathedral entrance is spilling out with dead bodies. People never get tired of this clip. And you can imagine how much the fundies loved it. They are that close to calling it a holy war. But anyway, it gave people hope, and the soldiers the will to fight against insurmountable odds. So it’s not a bad thing. It also made us pretty famous. And the press interviewed us after the whole thing.

I didn’t want to watch it, not because it’s the 525^th rerun, but because it reminds me of how I lost you. I was so scared at that time and I thought we would die there. But we didn’t because you saved our ass. And then you disappeared. If the army hadn’t come in that night and start shelling the estate, I would have stayed longer to wait for you. And if it weren’t for the rain, I could have tracked you down. I left the hall to pour myself another drink. Grey joined me.

“So, they made you into some war hero now, huh.” I said.

“I agreed to that so that Colonel Walters can’t touch us.” He replied.

“That’s right, it’s bad PR to hang your own heroes.”

Grace got reinstated to be part of the virus research team. Having a famous name on the team boosts public confidence. But she didn’t want to leave new Sandpoint to do her research. It’s a good thing since we’re so short of doctors here.

“They should put Daniel instead of me. It’s him who saved us from the onslaught.” He said.

“Nah. No one cares about the truth. Besides, you look the part. It’s all about politics.”

They wouldn’t have chosen any of us because the brass wants someone in uniform to take the credit for the Cathedral fight and Pete is too short to be the poster boy. Grey looks like a movie star after they cleaned him up, put him in some badass combat gear and throw an orphan in his arms when they made him pose for the camera. It’s like one of those action heroes from the old Hollywood movies. Personally, I think it’ll be a lot cooler if they put you in a dress and a rainbow flag, telling the whole world in front of the camera that you killed a thousand of them. It’ll be nice too if Sister Latoya and pose in her habit with a machine gun. They really don’t know how to make good TV these days.

By late afternoon, all of us had probably eaten more than we did in the entire winter. Everyone is in a good mood, except for me. The wine is making me a little nauseous. It’s Adam’s party, so I try not to put up a sour face. I even managed a crack a joke or two, but no one appreciates my humour like you do. And of all things, they had to talk about the virus. I’m like can’t we give it a break already? The fucking apocalypse is everywhere - you don’t have to keep reminding me about it.

Grace was like, “Our true enemy isn’t the virus; it’s the parasite.”

And I’m rolling my eyes all the way to the back of my head. Obviously she didn’t see me doing that because she goes on and on about the parasites look like normal spores and how sneaky they are, slowly altering your body, making you think that it’s the virus that’s causing all these changes. Blah, blah, blah.

Just when I crack a joke and I thought they will talk about something else. Grey has to drag it and talk about how the fungal scabs spread its spores when you have an open wound while the bite merely transmits the virus.

I’m like, “Can we talk about something else?”

And the Fiennes goes, “Sure. Two of our cows gave birth to a calf. We’re planning to trade them at the market. How much do you think we can sell them for?”

No one is really interested in cows, maybe only Sister Latoya.

I already drank way more than I should and I still find myself pouring some more. It really gets on to my nerves, so I picked up little Adam and put him on my lap, playing with him feeding him with a little wine and hope everyone will just comment on how cute he is when he’s drunk. Then Felicia went all ballistic on me for feeding the kid booze. And guess what? The conversation goes back into the infection again!

Pete is like saying how his patrol always carries booze in the winter to keep warm and how they come in handy when disinfecting wounds. Then Grace is like you don’t have to disinfect a bite wound because the virus will shut down your immune system and trick the host into thinking the parasite isn’t hostile. That’s why those wounds never get red and swollen.

I lost it when Grace went on about what happens when the virus gets into you without the parasite, just like Grey’s wife. And I snapped. “Can’t you give Grey a break? I mean his wife is dead and all, you don’t have to keep reminding him about it.”

Grey sips from his cup and gave me a sad look. But I didn’t expect him to say, “It’s okay, Trist. It’s good to know what really happened to Elena.”

So I’m like the only one who is not interested to talk about the infection.

When Grace goes back to talk about what happens when the parasite gets into you without the virus, I stood up and leave. She can go all Oprah for all I care. Just for one day, I would like to pretend to have a normal life, spend a few hours and enjoy a little kiddie party, get wasted, gorge ourselves in food, say something silly.

I just need some peace and quiet. I told Felicia to bring Adam home when he’s done. I didn’t care if I was rude.

Grace gave me this look and said I need to move on with my life. She said they all missed you too, but they had accepted the fact that you are probably already dead.

So what if I choose to believe that you are not? You did show up in Lincoln against all odds when I had given up all hope. You’re a little roach. I can’t get rid of you even if I wanted.

I can feel my eyes welling up and the cage in my chest bursting. I didn’t want Adam to see me like this so I went off as quickly as I could.

I missed you so much, Daniel. I missed Mom and Dad. I missed our old home, our beds, our rooms, our friends in school. And I wish none of this had happened.

Instead of going home, I found myself walking back to the cliff. I sat down by the rock to look at the Cathedral. How I wished that I was the one who was gone instead of you so that you know what you had put me through.

I felt a hand on my shoulders, and I turn around to find Felicia squatting down next to me.

“You want to talk about it?” She said.

I shook my head. And I said, “Tell me something funny instead.”

She looks at me as if I had asked her to give me a blowjob there and then. Then she said, “Adam just peed on Grace’s lap and she’s making him stand in a corner.”

It cracked me up immediately. God I love this woman.

“Seriously?” I said.

“No. He’s staying the night at Grace’s place. The kids are having a slumber party.”

I nod, and I told her softly. “Go away, Felicia. I want to be alone.”

“Not even if I offer a fuck?”

I look at her to see if she’s serious. She’s so brazen in the way she asks that she can make a man feels like a whore sometimes. Then before I can say anything, she asked me to follow her.

She brought me to a remote part of the commune at the edge of the cliff that is thick with undergrowth. It’s not the first time we had sex out in the open but this place looks far too rocky for some frolicking entertainment.

“Are you good at climbing trees?” She asked,

And I’m like, “Am I good? I’m fucking Tarzan. But wait, where are we going?”

“You want to look for your brother isn’t it? You can get past the barricades by climbing down that tree.” She points to the giant redwood tree and said.

When she said a tree, I didn’t think she meant that two hundred feet of a monster tree whose trunks are thick enough for you to build a house in it. Someone made a foothold on the bark or you would have to be fucking Spiderman to climb down that thing. It is not an exit for the faint-hearted.

“Wait, we can’t go out without our gear.” I said.

Then she showed me her bag and said, “I know what’s on your mind. So I came prepared.”

We powdered ourselves before going down, and it’s a good thing we did too because there was a cluster of hibernating infected nearby - only twenty yards away from where we touch the ground. It was one hell of a climb, even for me. It took about a good five minutes to get down and all my hands were full of cuts and scratches. God help you if you ever look down when you’re climbing from that height.

By the time I landed, I found myself the only one catching my breath. “You made that foothold?”

“One of the lumberjacks did.”

The way she said it, I know what she means. Of course, it’s one of her bedfellows, why do I have to ask and make myself feel special?

“Where do you want to start?” She asked me.

It is a tough question because I had covered three miles around the Mountain foot and I had covered every inch of the river banks from the highway to the valleys. The only place that I haven’t finish searching is the estate itself. It is the most dangerous place to look because the infected might be lurking inside the houses. It is also the least unlikely place that I will find you. You aren’t so dumb so as to hide yourself in plain sight among the infected aren’t you? So I told her that we are heading there.

We have to make a big detour because there was a large horde roaming about in the Cathedral yard. It’s too risky, even when we have more powder on us than a Geisha. We stopped by in one of the estate yard to re-powder ourselves before we move on.

She asked me if we should check out this house since we were already there. I told her that I had already scouted this one five months ago.

“How do you know? The houses all look the same to me.”

I point to the side wall and showed her the large capital cursive ‘D’ that I had left behind. And I told her, “I made a mark for Dan so that he knows that I’m here.”

“’D’ for Daniel?” She looks at me as if it’s the dumbest sign of all. She is totally judging me. “How is he supposed to know you made this?”

“It’s our secret sign.” Felicia shot me this look like I’m bullshitting her, so I said, “He used to call me that just to get on my nerves.”

“’D’ for Dork?” She smirks.

Smartass. She’s almost as wily as you sometimes. But no one beats you when it comes to bitchy names-calling. I pursed my lips and that gave it away immediately.

“Jesus. You actually let him call you that?” She sniggered.

“No. That little runt calls me the Dork Lord of Holborn.”

That made Felicia covered her mouth and shook for a good five minutes.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She said when she's done cracking up.

"He's supposed to call me the Dark Lord when we're performing a play for our gramps at their homes. But he lost his baby tooth that time and that's how it ended up sounding. The name stuck on Granny for weeks. She called me that every time we visited her."

We left the house and searched a few more, then we realized that it's getting late. We gave ourselves until the sun touches the mountain top so that we have enough daylight to climb that monstrous tree. Most of the houses in the estate are left wide open. The owners fled in a hurry and didn’t bother to lock them. They knew they won’t be coming home anytime soon. We had to take out a few infected lurking in the houses. Not all of them had come out from hiding from the cold.

“Jesus. Pete was right. These bastards are getting smart enough to find shelter.” I muttered.

“It may be just instincts.” She said.

I shrugged. After that, we always scout a house from the outside before we go in. We found one that was so packed with the infected that you might think they have some kind of rave party going on in there.

Towards the end of the street, we found this house that wasn’t just left open. It was broken in. I was quite sure it wasn’t done by the supply run teams because it would have made too much noise to knock down a door. Both of us went in and looked around.

“Looks empty.” She said.

“Someone came inside here.”

I can read the trails that were left behind. A hamster cage is left open, which is odd because you won’t escape with a rodent without its cage. It can’t be the infected since they aren’t good with the fingers. There are also other signs. The floors, despite the thick layer of dust, are full traces of dried blood stains. Normally, that is nothing unusual. The infected are messy eaters. They don’t care much about table manners. But the blood trail looks like a body is being dragged across the floor. And the infected always feast on the spot.

My instincts brought me upstairs where the blood trail goes. It leads to a room full of empty vodka bottles. There’s a broken chair by the door. The blood trail leads into the bathroom inside. I entered and found a pile of bloodied clothes. The stench was unbearable, but I took it up and examine it anyway. The shirt looked really familiar. It looked like mine. I know you gave your boyfriend my clothes because he’s around my height. So Mark must have worn this. My heart leapt immediately when I found it.

“Are you sure this belongs to you?” She said.

“I don’t think the owner will wear a shirt like this from Gap.” The ramps, the railings, the old fashion décor, this house probably belongs to an old person.

We looked around a little more and that was when I found the phone.

You fucking runt.

That is how you say goodbye to your brother?

Felicia got all welled up when she heard your message. But I didn’t.

“I’m so sorry.” She touches my arm.

“For what?”

“Face the truth, Tristan. It’s a fucking suicide note.”

And do you know what I said to her? “If it is, then where are his bones?”