Imprint - 17. Memories of Green and Gold: Regret

It was Tallen who was knocking on his door in the late afternoon, not a time he usually chose to come visiting. The bag slung over his shoulder was also unusual, as was Tallen's haggard appearance, red eyed and wrung out. He thought he knew what this was about, and there was relief as well as sorrow over the scene he had missed.

Tallen, trying to maintain some of his typical good humor, flashed him a tired smile. “Hey, there. Uh, sorry to bother you but I, um...seem to be homeless at the moment. I was going to try the inn but, well I mean its a really nice place and all, but all the beds they offer are empty. Here I was hoping to find someone I could curl up with and try to make my day better.”

Certain it was inappropriate, he still smiled at the effort; he moved away from the door, “Come in.”

Inside, Tallen stood in the middle of the room looking lost, uncertain what to say, how much to say, if he should say anything at all. Taking pity, he extended an invitation. “You did it?”

Tallen nodded solemnly, “Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

“How...did it go?”

Tallen shrugged, making an exasperated noise that might have been intended as a laugh. “I don't know, about as well as it could, I guess. We're all still alive and that's something. And its over now, and that's something.”

He thought he would be happier, but Tallen's obvious misery made it impossible; he gestured for the man to sit while he got him something to drink.

“She knows its you,” Tallen continued after a moment of silence. He paused in his actions, thinking; its not as though they had known each other, only met once, she said hello and he nodded and that was the extent of it. He wondered if that made it easier on her; he wondered if he was wrong for being less concerned but it was really such a small thing, in the end, a moment there and gone again.

“I tried to keep you out of it, I really did, but...she wouldn't let up, had to know who I was sleeping with. Didn't take much for her to piece it together, you are the only new thing in my life.”

He frowned, “But...we didn't-”

“And I tried to tell her that,” Tallen rubbed his forehead, “She didn't want to hear it, didn't believe me, it only seemed to make her angrier. Until I just admitted to it, whatever.”

“But-”

“But nothing. I thought it would hurt less but I was wrong. She didn't want any kindness, she needed me to be the bad guy.” Tallen shrugged tiredly, “Its the least I can do.”

He forced a glass into Tallen's hand before sitting down next to him. Delicate as he could, he asked, “What...happens now?”

Tallen shook his head, “Left it up to her. If she wants to end this officially I can do that. She can call me out, accuse me of just about anything, I'll take all the blame, its my fault anyway. But if she'd rather not, if she wants to keep it quiet, then I can just leave, say I need to visit sick relatives I don't have and I just won't come back. Wait a few months and she can tell them whatever she wants, tell them I died, that I had to stay for some noble reason, that I just vanished into thin air, or something. Something that just looks like one of those things that happens sometimes, and not...well, not this.” he sighed, “I told her she's got a few days to think it over and then she should find a way to let me know what she wants. I don't mean to rush her, but I figure we got a couple days at best before people notice something's wrong and then it'll be too late.”

“What do you think...she will do?”

Tallen considered that, “Normally, I'd say the second one. She'd never want to make a big scene, wouldn't want pity – not that kind of pity, anyway. But now,” he shrugged, “Now, I don't know. I've never seen her like that before, she was so...angry, at me. And I don't know, she might want to make a scene, just for a chance to hurt me. Not like I wouldn't deserve it.”

That pained him to hear, he wondered if he should feel guilty. He put a hand on Tallen's knee, tried to think of something to say. “You feel...bad?” Oh, he was never going to be good at this.

Tallen never minded though, “Yeah, of course I do. I loved her, you know. Still do, even if...well, it doesn't seem that way right now.” He ran a tired hand back through his hair, “We haven't even been married that long, you know. Not near long enough to get tired of each other. I think – that's what makes it so hard, that its so sudden, or at least it must look that way to her.” He shook his head, “You know, I was the first man to really pursue her like that? She was always really shy, had an older sister, too, that got attention so easily, made it worse. She made me work for it, I had to convince her, you know, that I was serious. And then I go and do this.” Tallen put his drink down and his head in his hands, “You know, I really hope she sees me as the asshole here,” his voice was muffled by his palms, “because otherwise she might think it was her fault and I don't know if – if she'd get over that. And I really don't – don't want that on me. I never wanted any of this.”

His fingers were squeezing Tallen's knee, he couldn't make it stop; he could feel that misery, regret, piling right up in his throat, choking him up. Had to work to speak around it, “I'm – sorry. I...shouldn't have-”

Tallen raised his head again, looking at him, green eyes serious. “What are you sorry for?”

“I – I shouldn't have...shouldn't have-”

“This was my choice. If I'd picked her, I would've been over here making the same speech to you. Do you think that would've been easier for me, or are you saying you wouldn't have cared?”

He shook his head, “I...care. I do.”

Tallen put a hand over his, silently urging him to stop digging his fingers in. “This was a bad situation,” he said, “None of us asked for it, it just happened. So don't go blaming yourself, its bad enough I had to hurt one person today, don't make it two.”

He tried; still, “Are you sure you...chose, right? You don't...know me – well, or-”

Tallen squeezed his hand, “Well enough. And yes, I made the right choice.” Tallen smiled, that small, close lipped smile that always made him feel like he couldn't breathe anymore.

He continued, “We have something here, you know? Between us, its...I don't know what it is, but I want to, I want to know. It feels like the kind of thing that, if I don't go for it, I'm going to miss out on something. The sort of thing I'll regret for the rest of my life.” Tallen's eyes moved away, fingers rubbing gently at his wrist. “And then I'm miserable, married to the wrong person, let the right one get away, can't take it back now, nothing I can do except wish I can do it over. And she'd know it, of course, she'd know I'm unhappy but she wouldn't know why, think it was her fault so now she's miserable, too. There, I ruined two lives.” He shrugged a shoulder, “Or maybe she figures it out quick enough, that I'm not in love with her and she leaves like she really should. Then I can have a long series of meaningless relationships, because I don't like being alone but I'm too chicken shit to go for what I really want.” Tallen shook his head, fingers squeezing his hand, “Nah, I'm not doing that. I'm making the right choice first thing. Its just better that way, in the long run.”

He listened calmly, the lump in his throat getting larger. He reached his free hand out and touched the side of Tallen's face, running fingers over his slightly rough cheek; it was still a new thing, to be able to do this, freely and willingly, with little reservation, still such a thrill this small accomplishment. Tallen smiled at him, turning into the touch to kiss the palm of his hand.

He knew what he wanted to say, forced it to come out. “I've always wanted you to be happy.”

Tallen nodded, “I am, or I will be anyway,” he smiled, “And you know what would make me really happy right now? Remember what I said coming in, I wasn't kidding – entirely.”

“You want to...curl up with me?”

“All night long. I want to go to sleep tonight, right there in that bed in the spot next to you, and wake up with you still in my arms.” he laughed, “Cold feet and all.”

“...oh,” he smiled, feeling his face heating up, happiness pulsing in his chest at just the thought. Tallen isn't leaving, he doesn't have anywhere else to be. He's going to stay, here, with me.

Tallen misinterpreted the look on his face. “Oh, no, I just meant sleep, as in...sleep.” He shrugged apologetically, “Sorry, its just...I just spent the last two hours listening to someone I care about list all the different ways that I'm an asshole who ruined her life and doesn't deserve the air I breathe, and I couldn't argue with any of it. I've never been in less of a mood. Right now I just want this day to be over.”

He nodded, understanding, expecting no less. “I am not...impatient.”

Tallen smiled sadly, running gentle fingers down the side of his face, “You should be,” he said, “This hasn't exactly been fair to you, either.”

He shook his head, “I knew...what I was in.”

“Still, doesn't mean we have to like it,” Tallen's thumb traced over his lower lip; all thought stopped. “Tell you what, give me one night to feel sorry for myself, then I'm all yours. You can do whatever you want to me.”

He nodded numbly; yes, that did sound like a good plan, a very good plan.

Tallen replaced his finger with his lips, kissing him deeply, for once not blunted by any lingering sense of guilt. I am not impatient, I'm not...tomorrow is not soon enough.

“I keep thinking,” Tallen pulled back but kept both hands on his shoulders, running down his arms, as though to reassure him – both of them – that he wasn't going anywhere. “Or wishing, really. If you'd only come here a couple months sooner, I wouldn't have gotten married. Would've found some way to delay it, and maybe...well, she still would've been upset, I know, but maybe...a little less, without that added in?” He shook his head, “Or maybe not, I have been wrong before.”

He nodded reluctant agreement, “I don't think...it wasn't – avoidable. Whatever you did.”

“Yeah, I know,” Tallen grinned, trying to dispel the mood, “In that case, why couldn't you have shown up, like two years ago? Avoid all of this.”

He looked down, “Why me? Why – why get married so soon? You are...young?”

Tallen shrugged, “That's how it goes here, you either get married young or leave and try your fortunes elsewhere. I thought about leaving, it just never quite worked out. And good thing, I guess, or I would've missed you.” Tallen's hands trailed up his arms and cupped his face, “Besides, how was I supposed to know someone like you was going to suddenly relocate near by?”

He shrugged, “Um, same way I was supposed to know you were here?”

Tallen laughed, “Good point. All right, I'll let it go. It was just a nice thought, is all.”

“It is,” he agreed, “Live and learn...that's how it goes, right?”

Tallen snorted, “Live and learn nothing, I'm not planning on doing this again, not if I can help it.” He leaned in for another, shorter kiss, “You're stuck with me now, whether you like it or not.”

He nodded; of course, he wasn't planning on anything different.

“You know what else I just thought of?”

He shook his head, “No?”

“I'm going to end up leaving here after all,” Tallen said, “Whether this goes public or not, we can't stay here. It wouldn't be fair to her.”

He shrugged, unconcerned, “That's okay. The only thing keeping me here...was you.”

Tallen smiled, “So, where would you want to go?” Thinking about it himself, he shrugged, “You know, I've always wanted to see the ocean.”

“You'd like it,” he readily agreed, “But I think...we have time enough – to decide.”

Time enough to sleep the day away, for the first time in each other's arms; waking up rested to a long day of firsts that didn't involve leaving the bed, making their relationship official if only to each other. Time enough to end things here peacefully if not amicably, time enough to say goodbye to those who mattered, and even if leaving would be rushed nothing else had to be. They had time to travel, look around, enjoy the sights and each other's company, and decide where they wanted to settle down and build their life together. They had all the time in the world for that.

He still knew they'd end up near the ocean, eventually.