Ray of Hope - 7. Chapter 7

Hollywood week had come and gone. The experience had been grueling but immensely
satisfying. The choices made by the judges had already created an air of
excitement over the coming season, and here I stood, part of the top 20.

I had been noticed at every stage, complimented by the judges and my fellow
competitors. I had even gotten a standing ovation at the end of my rendition of
Josh's "You Raise Me Up" and Marc Anthony's "My Baby You."

I was ecstatic, filled with anticipation and anxiety, bursting at the seams with
lyrics and song choices. I wanted this really bad, I wanted to win this and
start a chapter in my life that would hopefully span for decades. There was only
one comment, repeated often, that made my confidence tremble.

"You're a Brilliant vocalist Ray, truly are mate, but you've got to
start...connecting with the music yea? It's part of the whole experience,
portraying that emotion when you sing!!" Were Liam's words, whereas Kelly felt I
should be told:

"Range, there. Diction, there. Charisma...well not yet. You have to get into
it!! Really just let it get all up in there and make you feel whatever it is
it's supposed to...don't fight it!"

Carrie on the other hand thought I was: "hiding from something. Like you don't
want the rest of us to know something; but darling it's only hurting you in the
competition."

Josh simply stated this: "you either start letting music heal you, or you'll be
out of the competition before the final 12."

So I avoided emoting in public. Shouldn't my voice be enough? Shouldn't my stage
presence be all I really needed? I was picking the best songs for me, I was
listening to everything they were saying, I was doing everything except this one
teeny tiny thing. Was it really that important?

"Of course it is Ray!!! Who are your musical idols?" Came Jenna's voice. She
wasn't in this competition to win, she knew it and I knew it. She had gotten
here by being less bad than the worse ones.

"Santana, Kravitz, Clarkson, Strait, McGraw, Hill, Aldean, Berlin, Paramore, and
a slew of others...why?"

"What songs do you like best from Santana? And which from Kelly?"

"Smooth, Maria, Game of Love and for Kelly I'd say Breakaway, Because of You,
Already Gone, and Catch My Breath"

"Ironic...all songs steeped in a deep sentimental meaning. Listen figure this
out. You deserve to win this. I'll be outta here soon--"

"Not too soon I hope"

"C'mon Ray, the Top 20 was a big enough surprise, if I'm not gone by the top 12
I'll just faint. I've been bottom two 3 times, I think that's a record."

"If you wanted to, you could just drop out. I think some small part of you likes
this."

"Of course!!! I'm on TV, I get to sing every day, get tips from stars, live in a
hotel!! It's the sweet life Ray!"

We started to laugh as others joined us. Kevin, a tall boy from Tennessee was
one of the strongest competitors, his voice was amazing, but only in Country,
elsewhere it felt forced, out of place. Lila was the strongest girl; she had it
all, looks, talent, charisma, grace, and the public loved her. James was a buff
jock from New York, his deep voice was soulful and alluring but his range was
beginning to prove lacking. Adriana and George were a couple who'd auditioned in
different cities and ended up on the show; he was all rough edges and rock and
she was pop princess. Collin was the god; we were so evenly matched we'd always
joke that one day we might end up with the same song choice. His emerald green
eyes and boyish good looks made him a double threat to me. I wanted him, and I
wanted to beat him. Quite the conundrum.

They all sat here and there, no real grouping just random conversation in the
waiting room. I held Jenna's hand as she bowed her head in prayer. My faith in
the magical man in the sky was never gone nor present. I struggled with the
concept but accepted that something greater than me did exist, it was a
complicated and somewhat confusing arrangement I'd made with myself in a time
long ago.

"Hey Ray, what're ya gon' sing?"

"Honestly? I still haven't made up my mind. The producers sent me a message
asking for my final choice by end of rehearsals tonight, I guess we'll all find
out when my turn is up"

I laughed at my own sad joke knowing full well that not having a song yet meant
I wouldn't get to do as many run-throughs as everyone else. We all sat around
and waited as each person was called then dismissed and so on.

"Ray, you're next. Have a song yet?"

"The One That Got Away, Katy Perry...but I'd like to do the acoustic version
please."

I got up from my chair, retracing the lyrics in my mind and trying to find a
connection to something in my life. There was so much I'd buried deep inside, so
much I had not wanted or needed to deal with. I had protected myself the only
way I could think of, by separating myself from the hurt and the pain. Why would
I wanna dredge all that up?

Standing center stage, single spotlight, dark blue jeans, slicked hair, gray
shirt and black vest, chains hanging from my pocket and a false rain falling on
the screen behind me. I knew the run-throughs had sounded great but I'd never
managed to really connect with the song. I had to nail this performance. I had
to connect with this song.

I didn't know anything about lost loves. I knew about missing out on chances you
wished were yours, but that was as close as I could get. I tried to push those
emotions to the front of my mind. Tried to let them crack the walls I'd so
intently and deliberately built to keep myself safe.

"Summer after high school
When we first met, we'd make out
In your mustang to Radio-head
And on my 18th birthday we got matching tattoos.

Used to steal your parents liquor
And climb to the roof
Talk about the future like we had a clue
Never planned that one day I'd be losing you

In another life I would be your guy
We'd be full of promise it'd be us
Against the world

In another life I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away"

As I sang I felt the small tear gather at my eye and I knew the walls were
cracking, if slowly. I went through the rest of the performance trying to focus
on my pitch and my feelings, trying to overcome this one obstacle that I simply
couldn't begin to grasp.

The last note played and the lights swirled. Seacrest came on stage and there we
were, center lower stage, looking at the judges. Liam kept looking at me and
biting a pen, something that was very distracting for me. Kelly kept glancing at
me then at her notes and Carrie and Josh were just whispering things with each other.
Seacrest announced we were coming back and everyone straightened up.

"So Josh, what did you think of Ray's performance?"

"Well, to be honest that song wasn't right for you. If you'd done the produced
version it might've been a better fit but the slow acoustic just didn't bring
anything new to the table. I think we all know by now that you're a great
balladeer, your voice fits a soaring note like a glove, now we need to see where
your limits are in other genres and this song was very middle of the road."

The crowd booed and shouted things as I just stood there, frozen on the spot,
wanting to simply melt into nothingness.

"Kelly?"

"I'm going to say bravo! I saw you up there trying really hard to connect to
that song. You're listening to what we're saying and you're clearly trying. But
I do agree with Josh; that song, beautiful as it is, was not a song you
should've picked for yourself. It wasn't a good fit but it wasn't a horrible
performance, your vocals were impeccable, the song was just iffy."

The crowd was up in a roar again, half booing and half clapping. The sound beat
in my ears like an ocean. I wanted to close my eyes and hide from it, but all my
avoidance had brought me to right here, right now, so afraid and vulnerable
because I had never allowed myself to be vulnerable before. I had grown up too
quickly to process my emotions in a rational manner, and now here I was,
petrified.

"Liam any thoughts?"

"Brilliant vocals, very clear, very good pitch. I mean you've got the voice for
it haven't you? You've got this set of pipes in there and you've trained them to
do whatever. Problem is, this song was...strange for you. I dunno how best to
put it, it was just...what was it Kelly said--iffy?"

"Carrie?"

"I like that I saw you crack. There was a moment up there where you conveyed
that pain of loss, and regret so well, it was very refreshing to see you be
sensitive. As for the song choice I think you could've done better, but it
didn't give me as much doubt as my fellow judges, it was a 7 out of 10."

The audience clapped and Seacrest gave the public the numbers to call and text
for me. I waved and held up the last digit of my number, trying to keep myself
from looking disappointed. Thankfully Seacrest had worked out that asking me for
rebuttals to the judges was pretty useless, I had a tendency to never have
anything to say. These were four artists with extraordinary careers, who was I
to reject or criticize their advice?

I sat back down and just watched the remaining performers go out on stage and
give it the best they could. Collin sang Ne-yo's "Let Me Love You" and Jenna
sang "All the Colors of The Wind."

I began to sort through my head for songs that would be unexpected and fresh,
something to show I could do more than just belt out a good note. I needed
something that could push me outside of my comfort zone. Next week was
approaching fast and I knew with every ounce of me that I couldn't afford to
misstep again.

After the show some of the contestants wanted to hang out in the restaurant of
the hotel, I smiled and apologized as I made my way to my room. I had to
practice, and listen to as many songs as I could so I could choose the right
one.

I lay in my bed and stared at the ceiling, hoping for inspiration to come and
slap me in the face, or at least tickle me. I was listening to song after song,
wanting to get a song that would be different and still prove to the judges that
I was a multifaceted singer with more than just ballads under my belt.

Then a song started to play, not in my ear but in my head. It was a song I
hadn't heard for a very long time, but I knew then that it was also something
that would give the judges and the public something they didn't expect from me.

---

The weeks were beginning to blur together. It was time for the Top 15
performances. I was a nervous wreck, my song choices had been criticized since
the Top 20. "Living on a Prayer" had not gone well, I'd overstrained my voice
during my practice runs and had barely been able to reach the notes during the
live performance. "Country Strong" had been too cold, I'd been so afraid of
making a mistake that I'd forgotten to try and connect to the lyrics. "Somewhere
Over the Rainbow" they had found boring and expected though well done, which
seemed to have become my slogan. "Lean on Me" lacked sincerity, and I'd
forgotten a whole verse. "Stand by You" had been a good song choice, and I'd
manage to kind of connect but I "could do better" was the comment of the night.

Tonight it was "I've Gotta Be Me." I figured it was the message I wanted to
send, and I could find some anger and some drive to really bring it home. Or so
I hoped.

"Ray, stage."

I got up from the couch and looked back, but Jenna was gone. Her rendition of
"Summertime Sadness" had not been enough to keep her here and I was a little
saddened. She'd been a good friend, a steady supporter and a great sounding
board. Collin smiled at me, but we were all so nervous lately that our smiles
were strained.

I made my way along the small hallway as make up and wardrobe threw finishing
touches on me. Seacrest was introducing me as I walked to the stage. The
montage of my time started playing along with pictures of Cam, Andrew and I. I
stepped on my mark, made sure my shoes were tight and hoped I had finally chosen
a song that would lift me out of my slump.

"Whether I'm right
Or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world
Or never belong

I've gotta be me, oh I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am
I wanna live, Not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream of life
That keeps me alive.

I've gotta be me, I've gotta be me
The dream that I see
Makes me what I am
That far away prize,
That world of success
It's waiting for me if I heed the call."

I wanted them to see how badly I wanted to win, how much the lyrics actually
spoke for me, how much I was revealing with this song, but I could feel that
internal struggle to keep myself protected, I could feel how much I hadn't been
able to emote, how disconnected I would seem.

The song came to a close and I stood on the mark. I wanted them to like it, I
wanted them to see me and know that no one else in this competition wanted it as
badly as I did. I had found a home, true but I still hadn't found my place,
because I belonged on a stage, I belonged here, singing.

"Ray!! Finally!!! The right song!! You had a fire today that we haven't seen
since you auditioned!!! Great job!!"

"Thank you Josh."

"Carrie?"

"Where have you been?! This was amazing!! I mean...woah!!! Crazy good vocals!!
Well done."

"Kelly, what did you think?"

"Well, well, well. Good. I thought maybe you'd given up, maybe you'd gotten lazy
because you know how good are, but maybe you just needed to find your voice. I
think you did. That was energetic, it was fun, you did a great job tonight."

"And last but not least Mr. Payne?"