Imprint - 23. Memories of Green and Gold: Longing

(candlelight…incense smoke…murmured voices…all is calm, peaceful…)

Light laughter, “What are you doing?”

He snapped out of his quiet trance, looking upward at Tallen. Tallen’s hand dangled just off the end of the chair’s arm rest, the cigarette between his fingers, not too far from where he found himself seated on the floor.

He leaned back slightly, off his heels and folding his legs under him; he was embarrassed, avoiding green eyes, “…sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Tallen’s free hand inched closer, as though he intended to touch; the movement was halted last minute, and the hand returned to the arm rest. “Do you really like the smell or something?”

“No…yes, but…” It smelled sweet, like fruit, but that wasn’t what drew him near every night. “Its…calming.”

“Well, that is kind of why I do it.” It had been a few months now, at least since Tallen brought the habit home, but that sweet smell had been clinging to his clothes for a year or two before; he was not sure why Tallen would’ve hid it for so long (much less when he was doing it, they were together so often), but he never asked. There were a lot of topics that felt forbidden, and he wasn’t sure why and he couldn’t get used to it.

Tallen hesitated a long moment, visibly reluctant, “Do you…do you want one?”

“…one?”

Tallen held up the cigarette, “I have a few prepared, if you want one.”

He didn’t have to think it over long, he nodded his head. If Tallen was offering, whatever he was offering, he would always accept.

Tallen lit the cigarette before passing it over; he held it gingerly in his fingers, trying to imitate Tallen’s movements, bringing it up to his lips.

“Now be careful inhaling the first time, don’t want to choke on-“

And exhaling a grey cloud straight into the air.

“Okay, never mind then.” Tallen smiled, “Like it?”

He inhaled again, as much as he could hold, enjoying the scent up close, “…its okay.”

“Well, if you ever want another just ask.” Tallen moved the ash tray to the arm of the chair where it would be within easy reach, “I can barely make it through a day without anymore, so I always got something.”

“…why?”

“Why what?”

“…why can barely make it through?”

Tallen shrugged, eyes shifting away, “I don’t know. They make it easier to deal.”

“With what?”

“…things. Like you said, its calming.”

He lowered his eyes, watching the smoke rising up from between his fingers

(for me, I understand…but why would you…?)

The door behind them opened, Tallen looked up but he did not, listening without interest as Karal and her husband exchanged words of greeting. He heard her coat go up by the door, her market bags set down on the floor, a few steps into the room for the smell to hit and a little louder, “Tallen, I’ve asked you not to do that in the house, please.” Two more steps, and an exclamation that made him jump, “You have him smoking now, too?!”

“He asked.”

“Well, you didn’t have to comply.”

He glanced up at Tallen, hating the tight set of his jaw, the defensive look in pine green eyes, “He’s a grown man, Karal, in case you’ve forgotten. He can make his own decisions.”

“He does whatever you want, and you know it.”

Tallen’s eyes flashed angry, “Much better that he does whatever you want, instead.” Clearly more that wanted to be said, but Tallen reigned himself in, knowing the distress it would cause (it was not something he could get used to, though he had learned to keep it inside). Tallen ground his cigarette out in the tray, held it out for him to do the same, “Sorry, seems mother doesn’t approve.”

Obeying the request, he let his eyes drift over and so caught the look of absolute hurt the woman gave her husband. Her eyes welled up and she seemed about to say something, but clenched her jaw tight instead, shook her head and stormed away; moments later, a distant door slammed shut.

Tallen tracked her movements, the anger bleeding out of him in an instant; putting the tray back on the table, he dropped his head into his hands with an expression of deep weariness and a quiet sigh.

Feeling his distress, he touched his fingertips to Tallen’s knee; still hard for him to do, always, but he knew what Tallen needed, what he responded to.

Tallen didn’t look up but he didn’t move away, “I pushed that too far, didn’t I?” he mumbled into his palms, “Guess I’ll be sleeping in the yard tonight.”

He wasn’t sure what to say, his fingers twitched with nerves, tapping a jerky rhythm on the man’s knee.

Tallen’s head rose just enough for green eyes to meet his, “Sorry you got dragged into it. When I figure out what I said, I’ll avoid it in the future.”

He tried to convey his forgiveness, thinking through the question. “It was…the mother thing, maybe?”

“What is?”

“Why she’s – upset.” He tried to explain, this wasn’t easy either, “Because you two didn’t – didn’t ever have…I don’t think she likes the…reminder.”

Tallen scowled, but it wasn’t at him, “I know its hard, its hard on me, too. That doesn’t mean she can turn you into her surrogate child, either.”

He frowned but didn’t say anything; he understood what Tallen was saying, saw what he was talking about at times, but it didn’t bother him as much as Tallen seemed to think it should, which made him wonder if he was the wrong one here.

He struggled for something to say, “I can…sleep with you, in the yard?”

Tallen’s expression faltered, he blinked his eyes slowly.

“If you’re there, for me…I don’t – don’t mind.” He really didn’t, an occasional night outdoors was good for him.

Tallen was still staring at him, he rubbed a hand over his face, “No, uh – yeah, no. I mean, its not going to come to that.” He stood up off his chair, “Give her some space to calm down, I can talk to her later.” Tallen reached a hand out, “Come with me, let’s go fishing.”

Hesitating just a second (less so now than he once would have), he slipped his hand into Tallen’s and let the man pull him to his feet.

They were quiet on the walk to Lunar Pier, aside from quick greeting to passing neighbors; some of them had names he knew, would at least smile and lower his head when he saw them and that was progress. Sitting side by side, his bare feet dangling out just over the water, Tallen was still quiet and he felt concern even before he smelled what was in the flask Tallen brought along. He waited anxiously to see if Tallen would say what was bothering him, or if maybe nothing was and this day was no different than any other, so many like this now.

When they were alone, when the sun was just starting to go down, Tallen’s soft voice broke the silence. “Can I tell you the truth?” a heavy pause, “I’m glad, that it never happened.”

“…what?”

“That we never had a kid,” he took another drink, letting out a deep breath, “Probably for the best.”

He frowned, turning toward the man; he had never expected to hear something like this, “But…you wanted – to be a father.”

“I did. I really did. Doesn’t mean I’d be any good at it.”

“No,” he insisted, “You would…very good.”

Tallen gave him a tired smile, “Thanks, really. But…” He grasped for words, “But its not…me, really. Its…the situation. This, here. I don’t know if – no, I do know. It wouldn’t have been good for a kid.”

His frown deepened, he tried not to feel hurt, “You mean…me?”

“No,” Tallen was surprised, reaching over and putting a hand over both his own, clutching at the fishing rod in a white knuckled grip, “No, not you, never…not you. You’re…” he offered another tired smile, fingers squeezing tight, “You’re probably the best thing here right now.”

He smiled at the sincerity, pleased to hear it

(though it’s a lie…)

and turned his mind back to the problem at hand. “Is it…Karal?”

Tallen paused, “Yes – no. Well,” he shook his head, “Its not – not her, really. There’s nothing wrong with her, its,” he moved his hand away, making a vague gesture, “Its us, together. We’re not…well, I’m sure you’ve noticed, we don’t do much but fight anymore.”

He had noticed that, it would’ve been hard not to. Still, he had thought, had assumed, “…wasn’t it…because of – not pregnant?”

Tallen shrugged, lifting the flask to his lips again, “Yes and no. We’ve fought about it, but that’s not…”

“…what?” he asked when the man trailed off.

He made another vague hand gesture, “I don’t know.” A pause, then, “Things like this, setbacks, they can either bring you closer together or tear you apart. That’s what they say, right? And I guess…guess I’m not surprised, this is how we wound up.”

He frowned, turning his eyes back to the water. He was not good at this, but he knew he needed to be now, that it was important to be a good friend. He thought through what Tallen was telling him, trying to understand what it meant. “You don’t…do – do you, love her?”

Tallen opened his mouth to respond immediately, but then seemed to want to think about it. “…I did,” paused, shook his head and amended, “I thought I could.”

“You thought?” now he was very confused.

Tallen shrugged, “She is my type in every other way. I thought I could, over time, that it would change. But…”

“…did you never?”

“I cared about her, I liked her, but…” he shook his head, “No, I don’t think so.”

He tried to absorb this, it was not the way he thought these things worked and it was confusing for him.

“I guess I thought it would get easier when we had a family, that it would…I don’t know, bring us closer or something.” Tallen frowned, taking another drink, “That wouldn’t have been fair, to the baby. Its barely fair you get put in the middle of it, but at least we’re not expecting you to fix anything.”

He stared at this friend, studying his tired features, and he thought he understood something. “You’re – you’re not happy.”

Tallen clearly considered protesting, but gave up and nodded with a weary sigh instead. “Its not where I wanted to be.”

“…why?”

He shrugged, “Sometimes…you want things you can’t have.”

“…why?” About children he understood, he knew how that worked, but he didn’t think that was what this was about.

Tallen met his eyes, started to answer, several times, before he tore his eyes away, “It doesn’t matter. Lots of reasons. Pick something.” He took another long drink.

He felt distress at this revelation, that he never knew, never thought to ask; he always believed he knew what Tallen needed and all those elements were in place, he didn’t understand what went wrong and why it wasn’t enough.

He reached out, putting his reluctant hand on Tallen’s knee, just fingertips feeling warmth. “…fix it.”

Tallen stared down at the connecting hand, his own clutching the flask tighter, “Huh? What?”

“Be happy…fix it.”

Tallen’s eyes raised to meet his again; he couldn’t read the expression on the man’s face, but he thought that knee was pressing into his touch just slightly. Tallen looked away again, “Its not that easy.”

“Why?”

“I’d have to pull my whole life apart. I’m thirty-seven years old, I don’t want to have to start all over again now.”

“But why…if you’re not – if you don’t like it?”

“I know it doesn’t make sense, but sometimes its just easier that way.” Tallen sighed, “And its not even just me, what about Karal? I’d be pulling her life apart, too. Do I really have the right to do that, when its my fault she’s in this in the first place?”

“What do – do you mean?”

“If I was ever honest with her…” Tallen shook his head, “She probably would be better off without me, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be. I can’t make that decision for her, and I can’t just leave her in the lurch either.”

He was quiet, didn’t know what to say. He felt certain Karal could get by on her own like many people did, it was not his concern. He didn’t think it was Tallen’s, either, but it was possible he was wrong about that; Tallen seemed to think so.

“And there’s you as well,” Tallen continued, “If I do that, where would you go?”

“I would go with you.” There was no question in his mind.

“Yeah, I know you would. And is that really fair to you, too? You’re not exactly young either, and…look, we both know you have a hard time with things, so don’t act like being uprooted would be so easy.”

His fingers tightened slightly at Tallen’s knee, almost pinching and he was sure it would embarrass him later; now he was only angry, “Don’t,” he struggled, “don’t – make me the reason. I want – don’t want to be what keeps you – I want you to be happy.”

(don’t want this to be my fault…)

Tallen snorted quietly, glaring out at the water, “Don’t think you’d say that if you knew what I…”

“What?”

Tallen shook his head, “Nothing. Nevermind.” Their eyes met again, “I’m okay, really. Its not perfect, but I’m coping.”

He wasn’t certain, but he didn’t think that was really a good thing.

“Karal and I can be friends, at least, when we don’t step on each other’s toes. And that’s not – it could be a lot worse. People have it worse, I can work with this.”

He didn’t think Tallen was going to change his mind, not right now, but maybe he would have time, to fix this. The excuses were painful to hear, painful to watch Tallen try and convince himself. A part of him understood this was the way the world worked, this was what people did every day to get by, but not everyone should have to; some people were better and deserved better.

“I wanted more for you.”

“I know. So did I. But this is what I got. Sometimes that’s how things work out.”

He was waiting outside the tavern, standing a little off to the side, wanting to intercept Tallen as he finished work for the day. He held his hands together wringing them nervously, focused himself on not running away.

Some people passed him by that he vaguely recognized from the few times Tallen brought him out to the fields with him, when they needed extra help; they were polite but distant, remembered his name it seemed but didn’t say much. He tried to filter them out, waiting until he saw that golden blond head emerge, sweaty and tired at the end of a long day.

He saw those green eyes find him, blinking in confusion even as his lips stretched into a wide, happy smile. “Hey, what’s going on?”

He grinned softly in greeting, still trying to work through what to say; this was a new experience, he didn’t want to screw it up. “I wanted to – get you.”

“To come with me?” he could understand Tallen’s surprise, he’d only been in a tavern a handful of times and he always hated it, wherever they went it was always the same.

“Home,” he corrected, not certain a rented inn room could properly be called a home, but it was what they had for now and he didn’t know another word to use.

“Is something wrong?”

A lot was, he thought, but he wouldn’t have known where to begin trying to string words together. He didn’t think he could come right out and say please don’t go to the tavern, I don’t like the way it makes you act. He didn’t think Tallen would want to hear that, he would need to ask indirectly.

“Do you…know, what today is?”

It only took a moment before Tallen’s confusion was wiped away in a wave of horrified realization. “Oh no. No, come on, don’t do this to me.”

It was hard to tell, but he thought Tallen was mostly kidding. He smiled to try and dispel any tension. “Its been…years.”

“I know, its been deliberate.” Not since Tallen had been married, long ago now, three short years before it ended abruptly for reasons he never knew and Tallen never shared. He couldn’t remember her name anymore, nor which city they’d all lived in together.

Tallen took a step forward, half pleading, “I’m touched you still remember my birthday, but I really don’t want to do anything.”

“I think…there is one thing, you missed.” Or he hoped, hoped he hadn’t miscalculated, “…please? Let me?”

Tallen clearly still wanted to protest, but after a moment his gaze softened and he nodded reluctantly, “All right.”

He was glad, he’d keep Tallen out of the tavern a night at least.

He led them back to their inn room, one they’d occupied for six months now, one room in a long string of rooms as they wandered from town to town looking for work. They did sometimes get offers for something more permanent, but Tallen always politely turned them down; he thought Tallen was hoping for work on a boat, going out to sea, they did stick to coastal towns for the most part but so far, no luck. Inns were small rooms with no real privacy, but he didn’t need it, and Tallen didn’t seem to mind either in most cases; if he had female company he took it elsewhere, and even that didn’t happen often anymore. Sometimes it felt like they were closer than ever, other times he sensed Tallen keeping himself at a great distance and he wasn’t sure why.

He sat Tallen down at the small table they ate meals on, the man tense enough he might have been awaiting execution. He retrieved what he had tucked away under his bed earlier in the day, setting it in front of Tallen before unveiling and hoping it would be well received.

Tallen stared for a few quiet moments, before a soft smile spread across his face, “Okay. I did miss cake.”

He felt immense relief at Tallen’s apparent happiness. “I’m glad.”

“I’m surprised you remembered. I mean, how long ago was that?”

He could’ve answered that questioned exactly, but something in Tallen’s face told him he shouldn’t; it was another forbidden topic, one of many. He cut Tallen a piece instead.

He hovered over the man as he took the first bite, watching that smile spread wider, satisfied, “Oh, that is good,” Tallen said, “What, did you get that at the bakery? Sweep floors for it or something?”

He shook his head, “No, I…made it.”

Tallen seemed surprised, “Wait, what? I didn’t know you could bake.”

“I couldn’t, I learned. Swept the floors so I could learn, the past few weeks.” It had taken time for him to understand how it all worked, but not as much as he had feared; all he had to do was follow exact directions, no need for an intuition he often lacked in these situations. The lady had been impressed with his determination and follow through, even as she lamented his lack of imagination and hoped it would improve in time; he was satisfied enough when he stopped burning things.

Tallen looked stunned, “What – what made you do that?” quickly adding, “I mean good if you like it, but…”

“I do,” he assured and it was true; once he felt he knew what he was doing, once he didn’t need the lady hovering over him quite so much, it had been a relaxing activity, one he could lose himself in. But that wasn’t what made him try in the first place, “I remember it used to…make you happy. I thought if I learned, I could – you could have it again. Any time you wanted.” He paused, thinking of the right word, “Its your…present.”

Tallen sat still, eyes on the table in front of him; standing beside him, he was left looking down at the top of that blond head, wondering at the silence, wondering if he did something wrong after all.

“So, you learned this for me?”

He nodded uncertainly, “…happy birthday?”

He saw Tallen take a deep breath, his hand moving off his lap and dangling down beside him, “Wow. I think that’s the best present I’ve ever gotten.”

He spoke through the knot that had formed in his throat, “…really?”

“Yeah,” Tallen’s hand moved, fingers brushing against his leg, “Its…I mean, I can’t believe you remembered.” Kept moving higher, arm wrapping loosely around him, hand clutching at his forearm. “And I know how much you hate being out, and how hard it is learning things.” He was tugged half a step closer, so his thigh bumped up against the side of the chair, Tallen’s head almost at his hip, “That’s – I mean, its good to know someone cares.”

“I care…always.”

“Oh, I know. I think you would’ve left me behind forever ago otherwise.” Tallen leaned his head to the side, enough to make contact, thumb rubbing light circles on his forearm.

He was never going to do that, and he’d told Tallen that before, many times, every time they moved on again, every time they settled some place new knowing they wouldn’t stay, whatever Tallen was looking for it wouldn’t be here either.

Tallen’s head tilted upward, green eyes looking along the length of his body; this was a lot of physical contact, but he thought he was bearing up nicely, so much easier now. He couldn’t read the look in those eyes, not one of the ones he’d become familiar with. Only a moment and Tallen pulled away, dropping the arm and turning his head.

The chair opposite was kicked out, Tallen gestured toward it, “Sit. Enjoy your cake with me.”

He sat. “So, which – which birthday, is it?” he could remember the date well enough, but the passage of years was harder to keep track of.

Even Tallen needed to think a second, “Twenty-nine,” he laughed a little humorlessly, “Almost thirty already. Hard to believe, huh?”

He could hear someone at the door, leaning heavily against it, fumbling with the lock; he was nervous at first, home alone this night and unsure what to do, but after a moment there was Tallen’s voice, cursing softly. He stood up off the chair, setting his book aside to go let the man in.

Tallen was standing bewildered on the front step, the aether lock in hand but he couldn’t seem to position it right; he saw right away that Tallen was drunk and, for some reason, missing his shoes. This was not expected, he wondered if he should be worried.

Tallen looked surprised to see him. “I thought – thought you’d be in bed.”

He shook his head, he never was able to sleep when his friend was gone and he didn’t know why. “Where…were you?”

Tallen was reluctant, slipping the aether lock back into his pocket. “Making an ass of myself.”

He frowned, not sure what to think; Tallen was a maudlin drunk, always had been, and it wouldn’t be out of character for him to be taking a small mistake and blowing it out of proportion. He didn’t know why Tallen did this so often, and he didn’t like it either.

“Come on,” he held out a hand, “You need to…lie down.”

Tallen smiled drunkenly, reaching out and clasping on to him with a hand that shook. Bare feet stumbled over the threshold and the other hand came down on his shoulder, pushing him back several steps in the process.

Tallen stood in front of him, still holding on to him, head lowered and breathing calmly; he was still, confused and waiting for something. Tallen looked up enough for bloodshot green eyes to be visible, he couldn’t read the man’s expression right now and that was worrying.

“I couldn’t do it.”

Tallen’s voice was so quiet he almost missed it entirely, he still could make no sense of it. “…what?”

“I tried. I did, I tried….I got drunk, it didn’t help.” Fingers tightened at his shoulder, squeezing gently. “But I still want…I don’t get it.”

Neither did he, but this was probably to be expected. “Come lie down. You should sleep.”

Tallen moved the hand from his shoulder, wrapping the arm around his neck instead, leaning heavily against him. “…I just wanted to fix it.”

“After sleep,” he tried to insist, taking a few careful steps toward the man’s bedroom, “I can’t carry you, Tallen. You have to walk.”

Tallen barely managed that, draped half over him, stepping on his feet with mumbled apologies. He tried to ignore the tavern smell he was all but choking on, burning his nostrils.

He dropped Tallen onto his bed, watching the man fall backward from his seated position, seeming content to lie there, eyes fixed on the ceiling. He lingered nearby, wondering if he should get Tallen something, food or water, insist he get undressed and into bed properly, or maybe at least get a blanket from his own bed to cover him up. Something, anything, he just didn’t want to leave yet.

“You’re going to hate me,” Tallen’s voice floated up to him, quiet but painfully certain; green eyes watched him warily.

“…no.”

“You will.”

“Never…I couldn’t,” he sat down on the edge of the bed, touching Tallen’s arm, “You don’t – don’t know, what you’re saying.”

“I do, though,” Tallen’s eyes were sad, “And I don’t want you to hate me.”

He didn’t know how to fix this, didn’t know what he was supposed to say. “I think…you should sleep.” It was all he knew to do, “In the morning, you won’t – won’t feel like this.”

Tallen didn’t look like he believed that, but nor was he able to keep his eyes open much longer. He stayed and watched Tallen settle into an uneasy sleep before moving to get up and go.

Tallen’s hand grabbed onto his wrist before he could get far, holding him in a crushing grip. He tried to pull away and wasn’t released. “Tallen, what are you-“

Tallen pulled on his arm, making him stumble and fall forward on the bed. Before he had a chance to sort out his limbs, to push himself up again, he felt Tallen’s weight pressing down on him, draped half over his back.

His heart started hammering painfully in its blind panic, he told himself he wasn’t going to be hurt

(pinned down, hands around your neck…everything is white, everything burns, it burns…)

but it was a weak comfort. He’d gotten used to touches, even lingering ones, but this was a lot, too much…

He tried squirming away and Tallen’s arm came around him, a protesting noise sounding right in his ear. “No,” wrapping tight and pulling him even closer, tucking him under the man’s body, “No, don’t go. Stay.”

He tried turning his head, but Tallen’s face was pressed against it and it wasn’t moving. “What – what are you…?”

“I’m cold,” was the mumbled reply, which was clearly untrue, and even if it was how was this helping? Tallen’s leg came around both his own, body relaxing and breath starting to even out.

“Tallen…you’re heavy,” but he knew it was no use, Tallen was asleep and he was trapped. He was going to have to make the most of it for a night, at least. After he got his panic under control, the only impediment to his comfort was something in Tallen’s pocket that was poking at him, and even that he could just shift away from.

He opened his eyes again after what felt like an hour and saw daylight. Tallen was still asleep, leaning more heavily on him but loosely, not clutching and it was easier to wiggle out from under him, Tallen didn’t even stir. He stood still, looking down at the man’s features relaxed in sleep in a way he rarely saw anymore and missed more than anything; with a smile, he walked away.

He made breakfast, keeping in mind the hangover Tallen was likely to have and put together food and drink that would soothe that, a familiar enough routine by now. He kept an ear out for sound from the bedroom, but was interrupted only by an unexpected knock on the door.

He stood indecisive; they were not expecting anyone that he was aware of, and it was early yet for neighbors to just be stopping by. He moved closer to the door, soundlessly, pulling back the curtain on the window just slightly, enough to peek out unnoticed, thinking maybe he could describe the visitor later so they could be sought out and their business dealt with. Seeing what the stranger held in his hands, he changed his mind and reluctantly opened the door.

The man on the other side watched him uncertainly; it was no one he had ever seen before, early twenties by his best guess (and he was not good at judging such things) which put him at Tallen’s age, plain looking and rather unremarkable. He knew the stranger was waiting for him to speak some word of greeting first, it was the custom but it was a custom he couldn’t comply with and he’d long since stopped feeling embarrassed over something he could not help. Eventually, the stranger spoke on his own, “Um…sorry, but…does Tallen live here? Someone told me that he did.”

The words were harder to pull up, he gestures with a hand, “…his – shoes.”

“Oh. Yes,” the man held out the shoes he was carrying in offering, “He left them by accident. Wanted to make sure he got them back.”

He reached through the door to grab them, very careful not to touch the man himself. He was about to close the door again, when the stranger’s voice stopped him. “Excuse me, but are you Winter?”

He paused, “…yes.”

The man nodded, a small uncertain smile on his face, but his eyes seemed genuinely interested, “I thought so. Tallen’s mentioned you.”

He wasn’t sure how to respond to this, and waited to see if the man would elaborate any.

He could see the man thinking, weighing different options, before finally shaking his head in defeat, “Can you – just do me a favor? Just…tell Tallen that there’s no hard feelings, that I understand. And if he wants someone to talk to, well he knows where to find me.”

He didn’t know what any of that meant, but he nodded without question. Hopefully Tallen could make sense of it himself, and if it had anything to do with his mood last night, maybe he would feel better again.

He watched the stranger leave with that hurried, fumbling politeness he was used to being on the receiving end of; handling other people was not a progress he had made and was doubtful he ever would, even if there were times, like now, when he wished that he could, could ask coherently and forcefully for the answers that he needed. Mostly though, he was just relieved the man was gone.

In the bedroom, he found Tallen on his back with an arm flung over his eyes, stirring slightly and breathing in a heavy way that suggested he was awake, or at least getting that way. This was a welcome sight and he moved to sit on the edge of the bed and put his hand on Tallen’s bent arm; he wanted to be assured that, whatever happened last night, whatever made Tallen say those things, it was over now.

Tallen looked at him with eyes first narrowed against the light but gradually widening with something that was almost fear. “…hey?”

“I got up a while ago,” he explained, trying to answer the unspoken question, “Made you breakfast.”

That seemed to be the wrong thing to say, Tallen’s eyes widened all the way and that was definitely fear he saw there. His mouth worked for a desperate minute before words came out, “So, you – you actually did….here, last night…”

“You grabbed me.” He didn’t understand Tallen’s tone and his words may have been more defensive than needed; quickly, he added, “It was okay.”

Tallen did not look reassured, “I didn’t…do anything? Did I? Say something weird?”

He thought about it, “You said you were cold.”

Tallen’s lip twitched into a reluctant smile, a shaky laugh following; he seemed almost relieved. “Well, if that’s all then.”

“…what did you think?”

Tallen shrugged, pulling himself into a sitting position, “I don’t know, I don’t remember a lot after heading home.” He scrubbed his hands over his face, giving him a serious look, “I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”

He nodded his forgiveness; it hadn’t been easy in the beginning, but once he adjusted to the situation it hadn’t been quite so bad. If it happened again, he was sure he could deal with it.

He changed the subject, “Someone was here. Brought your shoes.”

And Tallen tensed up all over again. Green eyes avoided his own, looking down into his lap. “Did he say anything?”

“…he’s not angry. You should talk to him. You know where.”

Tallen let out a breath he was holding, “Well, that’s…that’s good,” he ran a hand through his hair, “I thought he would be mad. Glad to be wrong.”

He didn’t know if he should ask, but he had to try anyway, “What…happened?”

Tallen shook his head, “Nothing.”

“But-“

“No, its true,” green eyes met his again warily, “Nothing happened. That was…kind of the problem.”

He frowned, “I don’t understand.”

“I know you don’t,” Tallen looked at him with some sympathy, lips pressed into a tight line, “Its okay, I’ll take care of it.”

“…of what?”

“This, everything,” Tallen waved a dismissive hand, “I’ll fix it, I’ll think of something. Don’t worry about it.”

But he couldn’t help it, when he didn’t know. “I don’t – hate you.”

Tallen smiled sadly, “I know you don’t. And its not going to come to that, I promise.”

He didn’t even like that it was considered an option. “But why-“

“Winter, come on,” a hand was placed on his shoulder, trying to be reassuring, “If there was anything you could do, I would tell you.”

He wished he could be sure of that, but he wasn’t, not anymore. “Can’t you…tell me anyway?”

Tallen’s fingers squeezed gently, “Its really nothing, I’m fine.” He tried to smile, but it didn’t reach those green eyes, “Really, its fine.”

For now, he would simply have to believe it.