Changing Seasons - 2. Winter- Awakening

So there I was, standing still, shaking violently. I think I went deaf at some point but the image of red and blue still registered in my brain. There was an old man wearing blue in front of me. I think he was touching my shoulder, I can’t really tell. My whole body was numb, as if I was just an ethereal being hovering around someone’s body and looking through their eyes. Was this a dream? I think it is. Why would Gabriel even bother waving a hand at me? I was no one. I was more of a ‘background’ person, the one who doesn’t talk but stand with the crowd to make myself look like I belonged. I don’t even know why Joey holds conversations with me. I was an insipid two-minute chicken noodle. The vision of the stranger was darkening very slowly till there was only black. I was starting to feel relieved, I was waking up! I knew it was all a dream! Fuck that was a terrible nightmare oh wait...

Why was I in someone else’s room?! I quickly stood up and only saw blue curtains around me. I could feel my auditory switching back on and heard beeping sounds, people moaning in agony and medical jargon. I was in a hospital ward. Salty crystals started descending from my amber eyes. Oh God, my dream was not a dream! It did happen! Gabriel is dead! I killed him! If he was looking at the road instead of me he wouldn’t die! I did not care about the other people who were experiencing physical pain inflicted by God knows what. I sobbed, for the first time in my life, my brain was experiencing emotions. Real emotions, it just wasn’t me. I always thought that I’d be devoid of them till the day I die.

The left side of the curtain suddenly revealed a woman in her fifties; her name tag said ‘Dr. Spiegel’. She probably heard the ridiculous noises I was making and before I could tell her to go away she started rubbing her fragile, little hand on my back and the tears streamed down even more. I just felt so alone. I needed someone to comfort me, to get rid of all these pent-up emotions brought by the accident. I could still feel the warm blood on my face on that winter morning. I’d do anything to go back in time but that’s just not how things work.

“Are you feeling alright?” The old woman said in a very mother-like tone.

“Whe...” Strange, it’s hard to speak when you are sobbing. I guess I learn something every day. I tried again.

“Where?” I wanted to form a sentence. Fucking hell, I’m starting to hate crying. I took a mental note to not do this ever again.

For some odd reason, the woman knew what I wanted to say and responded in a warm voice. “He’s alive” She then proceeded to smile.

My eyes had become larger than Jupiter, my thick, plump lips almost reached both of my ears and the tears hadn’t stop but the reason for it had drastically changed. So this was pure bliss, interesting. I have acquired another emotion.

The tears had come to a halt after a few minutes then I got my shit together to ask this lovely lady where Gabriel was. Her face turned from a bright sunshine to a face that looked like her favourite uncle died. She paused for a second and then she opened her mouth again.

“He is currently admitted in our intensive care unit. We are not exactly sure when the patient will wake up since his injuries were quite severe” She said in a professional manner.

She guided me to the elevator and we had to cross a bridge to reach the private building. I’ve discovered two things: we were in St. Vincent’s hospital as it was the only hospital in Sydney that had a division between the public sector and the private sector and Gabriel’s parents had money. Being admitted to the private sector is like paying for a five star hotel room. It felt like an eternity before we had finally reached Gabriel’s room. I was not allowed inside but she said I could look from the window. My heart sunk to the bottom of the sea and was destroyed by the volcanic activities down there. My tears fell down again as if they were programmed to do that every time I felt shit. A percentage of his beauty was still intact but the rest of it was just blown to bits. His right arm was wrapped in bandages but the left one was completely cemented along with his left foot where the impact had happened. Gabriel’s body was covered in wire, there were at least half a dozen machines that made a chaotic symphony beside the hospital bed and his face was covered with a mask that gave him oxygen. He looked terrible except for his face which was unharmed as if he was wearing an invisible helmet when he was struck by the giant. I fell to my knees and I was ready to faint again but Dr. Spiegel had comforted me again and dragged me to the hospital’s canteen to feed me a chicken schnitzel wrap that I refused to eat. Like the mind reader she was, she gave me her phone so I could call my parents but she was a bit off on that since I’d call my best friend, Joey. I dialled the phone and he answered immediately.

“Joey- speaking. Who’s this?” He said in a light husky voice that I grew to love. Tears rushing down my face, for the third time! God damn it. I just missed him so much after all the things I’ve been through. I needed someone to bring me back to normal; I wanted to have our smash talks. Press ‘R’ to grab and then follow up with a side ‘A’ you know what I’m saying?

“Hey man” I spoke in a raspy tone while sniffing uncontrollably. He’ll probably think I was weird. I mean we were best friends, I think I’m misusing those words since I’m always on the receiving end when we opened up to each other but he doesn’t seem to mind which this is why I like this guy.

“Holyshit you’re crying. You never do that. Where the hell are you?!” He was practically screaming to me on the phone. I was a bit touched. I thought he’d laugh at me but all I heard was a voice of concern. I felt how much he cared for me from only those words.

I told him where I was and I didn’t even need to give him the address. The city of Sydney was small and it was easier to go around if you were a city boy which we were. He showed up after half an hour on the entrance of the hospital and he immediately wrapped me in his slim, firm arms. This was the first time he has ever touched me and it felt great! I felt the concern, the sincerity and love emanating from him, at least that’s what I thought. I don’t even know what made me say that since I have never experience them before. Today was just full of surprises.

“Why didn’t you go to school today ‘Rik? And why are you here? You made me worry you piece of shit!” He pulled back from the hug but he still had a firm strong grip on my shoulders. His gorgeous green eyes stared at me as if I was the most important thing in the world. I always thought he was gorgeous but now that he was this up close. I think I might start melting. Oh right, this is the part where I tell you what he looks like. My friend Joey was six foot two, he had long shoulders that ended with a slim but muscled arm and his hands looked like they have not touched the world, big hands that looked too delicate. I still long for the day when I could touch them but my dirty blonde hair was already blessed by its touch and now my shoulders too. His chest was firm and had pecs on them underneath was his surprisingly chiselled abs and his legs were slender and long in comparison to Gabriel’s gorgeous mountains. He was slim but packed with muscles on the right places. He was a perfect v-shape and I never grew tired of staring at it. While Gabriel was into soccer this hunk had passion for basketball. I honestly do not know how I’m involved with him. He looked like a masterpiece yet he chooses to hang out with a plain, gloomy, self-loathing guy also known as me. That's enough about me and him. I filled him up with the sweet deets. Actually they were terrifying and he closed in for another hug but this one tighter. I responded by enveloping my arms around his torso. As much as I like Dr. Spiegel comforting me, this was just beyond compare! I could feel the warmth, his strong, hard torso and most of all, the new and improved bond that we have. The fourth wave of tears had manifested and he just knew exactly how to stop them.

"Wanna go to mappen?" He raised a brow and brushed my long fringe that covered my eyes to the back of my ear. I could feel my face heating up. I looked away and nodded shyly. Joey felt like a different person, much warmer than he ever was. He made me feel like none of the events today ever happened. Everything felt like they were back to normal and that was thanks to this beautiful beast that I call my best friend.

We walked for a while till we reached Kings Cross Station then rode the train going to Bondi Junction. I only knew two franchises of the restaurant mappen but this one was better of the two since it held memories of happy fun times with Joey. This was the very first place where he took me when we started this friendship thing. Actually, this is how our friendship came to be! In year 7, Joey started a conversation with this pale, scrawny kid who is yours truly and he babbled about a lot of things which I could barely keep up to till the maths period ended. At some point we got to the topic of food which started this big monologue of how great Japanese food was and the next thing I knew, he invited me to go to mappen after school and that’s when we realised we both played smash and we should totally be best buddies.

As we entered the glass the door, the staff greeted us ‘welcome’ in Japanese as they have done every time we came here. I ordered my usual teriyaki chicken as I have done throughout the years but Joey always ordered something different since he wanted to “experience the diverse flavour of Japanese cuisine” as he always told me. We sat and he started filling me in on the events of school. He talked about having the best double period of Math as we had a sub and how he was forced to hang out with his ‘cool’ shallow friends which he always found too painful to do whenever I was absent. He was a massive odd ball. Anyone would kill for Joey’s reputation but he did not found fun in bitching about other people, talking about neither banging pretty girls nor just enjoying his popularity for his amazing looks and great skill in basketball instead he chooses to play smash on our 3DS at lunch time and talked about how life would be after high school. No one seems to mind our relationship in school and that’s what made it a bit bearable but there is still that thought in my brain that’s saying I’m dragging him down, that I should stop being friends with him since there were far better ones than me. Now that I started thinking about it, I couldn’t help but frown and look away from his dreamy emeralds.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He dropped his chopstick as he put his delicate hands on mine. Well that’s one tick on my bucket list. It was warm and his grip was getting stronger as if he was trying to squeeze out the feelings I am trying to conceal.

“Why are you friends with me? There’s probably other’s better than me. I mean, look at me for just one second” I said as tears were about to fall down again. This was becoming a mannerism. After the accident, it seems like I’ve been tearing down my walls. Oh no, what is happening to me?

“I’m always looking” He said as he flashed me the most genuine smile he could pull off. But what did he mean by that? Was I misinterpreting his words? I shouldn’t read too much into it. “That is the most stupidest question I’ve heard all day and my ‘buddies’ at school asked the teacher today what a food chain was!” He started giggling but I was still in the verge of crying. His face became serious again and now he was caressing my hand “Erik, you are the most interesting person I know, you’re the only person I could have conversations with that has substance and you rape me at smash so don’t ever question my life choices. I always choose what’s best for me and I chose you! You are the best, buddy” He pulled his hand back and started eating again. We were quiet till we both finish our meal. I didn’t speak because I was too busy repeating his words in my brain. That little speech made me feel great about myself, for once. I was important to someone and now I feel warm all over. It was a very weird feeling. What shall I call this one?

~

After that little conversation we had. I felt a positive energy radiating within me and I had more fun hanging out with Joey but it only took a few weeks and Gabriel started creeping up in my brain again. I felt so bad that I forgot about him! I felt so bad that I haven’t visited him! I felt so bad that while he was in the hospital not being able to enjoy the peak of his popularity in high school, I was having fun. Before I knew it, I was back to my old self. The walls that were destroyed were once again erected with even more durable bricks. I bathe in my own agony and I was defeated by depression. My motivation for anything turned from 0 to -500. I started skipping school just to visit my sleeping beauty that even a kiss would deny him of awakening. Crying became a daily ritual. My face had aged because of lack of sustenance. I was a walking mess. Joey tried his best to cheer me up. He’d call day and night, he visited my house very often, he slept over most of the days of the week and he tried soothing me with his sweet words. It went to the point where he needed to hold me in my sleep just to prevent me from panicking after escaping my nightmares. The winter morning at the interchange kept playing in my brain every night and every night I woke up to Joey holding me as he caressed my hair while he told me I was fine, that everything will be alright. He never gave up. I wish I could return the favour of his company by bouncing back to the positive me several months ago but I couldn’t. I tried my best but Gabriel was always on my mind and I felt that it was my obligation to feel responsible for it which I am. I’m the one who got him into this state and I deserved this. But the main reason for it was something I couldn’t describe. Several more months have passed and I stopped going to school, Joey was always there but I chose to shut him out. Why the fuck was my brain doing weird brain stuff. He was my fucking best friend and I’m here choosing not to connect with him because I hated myself even more than before. When I wasn’t at the hospital visiting Gabriel, I was at home, crying, wishing to the stars to reverse the situation, that it should be me on that bed since I wasn’t important.

~

A year has passed and it was winter again. The freezing temperature had made the tragic events even more vivid in my mind. It was going to be another normal visit to the hospital but this time Joey came barging in Gabriel’s room. Today, he wore a face of anger and it shocked me to see it as I was used to his gentle face. He marched towards me and grabbed me by the collar. It looked like he was ready to punch me with the vicious glare he shot at me but what happened next caught me off guard. He started crying, his face was getting distorted and his face was crimson. The words spilled out of his mouth slowly and silent, as if he didn’t want Gabriel to wake up.

“Why, Erik?” He said as he sniffed between his words. “Why did you throw away your life because of this douche bag you barely know?!” The words had stung me as if I was the one being offended. I thought it was a rhetorical question but he was anticipating for an answer and what I said surprised me a lot.

“I love him” I said in a strong, firm voice. This was the very first time I said something with great confidence and it felt great.

“But why?” A tone of disbelief was hinted in his voice. “You don’t talk to him, you don’t even know him!” His words felt like a slap in the face. He was right. What made me say that? There was no reason for me to love a vegetable that was a stranger to me. I couldn’t answer him. I didn’t know how to explain myself. There were just indescribable feelings inside my heart that I wanted to tell him but I do not know how. He then proceeded to move his hands from my collar to my face. I should be blushing right now from the sudden human contact but I was still trying to piece out the puzzle as to why I was dedicating myself to Gabriel, why I love him.

“Look at me Erik! I’m here” He whispered. He sounded like a kid who wanted attention real bad from his parents. Where was Joey going with this? “Why can’t you love me instead?” He looked away, he was probably blushing if it wasn’t for the ape shit rage he had a while ago that made his face permanently red.

“Huh?” I was curious. What did he mean? I was so clueless. Was he joking around? I shoved away every possibility that this guy had a thing for me. Joey wasn’t gay. He dated a couple of girls back then. It was impossible.

“I love you Erik! With all my heart!” I couldn’t believe what he just said. What? How? Who would ever like me? But I know he wasn’t lying. His gaze was fixed on me and it was overflowing with so much passion. “I belonged to only you since year 7. I couldn’t stop checking you out, you were so cute and you are even cuter now. I had to do something before someone else steals you away from me so I talked to you during maths. You have no idea how happy I was when you said ‘yes’ when I invited you! My heart felt like it was going to stop and at that moment, I knew it was you, my first love. I’m sorry. Now I feel like a douche since my initial intention as to why I struck a conversation with you was because I wanted to get in your pants. But I swear I also realised something else when I was with you. I realised you were a great friend, you never grew tired of my mouth, you never left me when I told you about weird shit I can’t discuss with anyone, you listened to me when I was vulnerable. Erik, you are the best person ever. I love you. I swear I’ll never hurt you, I’ll make you forget the pain and I’ll be patient even if you don’t love me now. Will you go out with me?”

My heart was beating violently in my chest as if it wanted to break my ribs and burst out into a million pieces. It was my very first confession and it was from my friend of five years, Joey. He just told me he loved me without a second thought. I could feel that his feelings were strong enough to materialize into a separate entity and walk this earth, making out with me non-stop. Tears rushed down my face as usual but not because of despair but because I was moved by his sweet words of love. I never knew someone could be in capable of having so much passion for one person and that person was me. I was having flash backs in my brain about all the wonderful things that this guy had ever done to me, the way he defended me from the bullies, the way he treated my leg when I was badly injured due to a violent game of footy, the way he comforted me when I was in a shitty situation. Joey was my guardian angel. He was my one and true friend. My eyes suddenly averted from Joey to Gabriel. It was there again, the nameless feeling. I could tell you one thing about it. It was not negative. It stayed with me since last winter but now that I think about it. I might’ve had it long before that. But I couldn’t pinpoint where it had began. Weird, it felt like it was always there. It remains a mystery but my heart whispered to me one thing- To remain by Gabriel’s side.

“I’m sorry Joey but I don’t think I can answer you right now” I looked into his eyes and touched his hands to guide it back to himself. “I love Gabriel. I might not be able to come up with a reason now but I want to discover what my heart is telling me and once I find the key to this hidden door that remains lost. I’ll answer you then” There was a huge silence that lasted forever but before I could break it off he spoke again.

“That gave me a nose bleed” Joey giggled. “That was too fucking poetic for me, man. You know I hate english?” He kept giggling but this time his tears had subsided. “Fine, I’ll be waiting till then but if ever you give up on your expedition, you know who to go to” He smiled as he gave me mockingly seductive wink. “I’m afraid I can’t wish you luck on your journey since I don’t want you finding that key after all” He nodded as a sign of departure and left the room. Wow, that guy was too fucking honest but it made me relieved. He handled that pretty well.

I sat down again on the chair beside Gabriel. I touched his hand for the first time and it made me hear a familiar tune in my head but some of the notes were broken so I couldn’t make anything out of it. The broken tune kept playing in my head till I dozed off beside him. What the fuck is up with all this trippy stuff?

~

I woke up, where was I? Fuck, it’s too early for this. What are those annoying noises? Did I forget I moved houses and changed my alarm clock? I could feel something on my right hand. Hmm... A hand perhaps? I looked down and the image in my brain revealed a peaceful creature, too beautiful to touch. I am quite honoured with the privilege I have. My face formed a weak smile but it was realest that I had and I knew he was the only one in capable of doing this to me. My Erik.