Rule the World - 3. Chapter 3 - Canoe

So there they were, in front of the best salad in the world. Every vegetable was finely picked to appeal to one of Zach's many quirks. Fresh, and appetizing. We're totally talking about Connor, by the way. Zach gulped.

"Oh god. Addy, I don't think I can do this." Addy flicked Zach's forehead with her finger.

"Come the fu-" Realizing they were still at the library, and in front of Connor, Addy had no choice but to lower her voice.

"Come the fuck on, Zach. You've been talking about this guy for days. DAYS. To ME. I've had to put up with this shit, and you're not backing out now! Besides, what's the worst that could happen?"

Oh, that was not a question you should ask Zach. From an early age, his parents had taught him an incredibly useful skill. Daydreaming. In it, you could run countless simulations in split seconds. And, as you may imagine, face first hand just what a clusterfuck a situation could become. Specially when Zach was on the driver's seat.

Zach walked to the table, and sat next to Connor. Connor didn't seem to notice him at all. Zach felt unbearably awkward. But he mustered up the courage to speak.

"How can you be this tanned if you're always indoors?" Connor then punched Zach's nose, sending him flying through the air.

And as he did, the glass covering the world shattered, and Zach was back to standing next to Addy. Take two!

"Why do they call you a loser, anyways?" Punched in the face. Dimension break.

"I'm pregnant, and YOU are the father!" Connor fainted. Macrocosmos Shatter.

"Addy thinks you're fucking hot. I do too, by the way." Addy slapped him, Connor kicked him. Multiverse Fissure.

"Zach, stop it! You can't keep rewinding time like this!" That's what you think, bitch. One more for the fans back home!

"Zach, stop it! You can't keep rewinding time like this!" Ugh. Fine. Addy's voice in Zach's subconscious was right. Running from reality wasn't going to make this moment any easier. No more do-overs allowed. Sometimes, the only way to get over your fears is to just do it. Thus, Zach sat down next to Connor. His first strike had to be casual, but strong. Sexy, but not offensive. Zach-like, but not TOO Zach-like.

" 'Sup, Connor?" It's the endgame. You've placed your bets, and you're just waiting for the results to come up. Unending pressure. Waning hope. Awkward excitement.

Connor lifts his view from his text, and glances over at Zach. At first, he conveys confusion. Then, his eyes open up slightly, and Zach still swears to this day that his cheeks went a little pink. Seconds later, bashfulness becomes some weird sort of annoyance.

"How do you know my name? I don't recognize you." Oh shit. Zach wanted to scream that, but that would just speed up the stalker ship's sinking. He turns his head to look at Addy. She shrugs. But Zach can't shrug. He deems her support very unhelpful.

In these situations, you must never ever panic. There is always a way to not look like a complete weirdo when you know a guy's name before you even talk to him. Think, Zachary. Zach's eyes dart around the library at billions of miles per second. There's nothing. Fuck Addy, she was going down with him.

"My friend Addy told me. You have red hair and it's totally rad, so I had to know!" Wait. In the end, he just told the truth. Zach grinned. This was definitely much easier than he anticipated. Until nothing happened after that. Connor just frowned and went back to reading. Zach looked back at Addy once more. She shrugged again. God, why did he even bring her along?

"Uhm...Do you like smoothies?" He might as well get it out of his chest, since it had been eating at him for like five days. Connor sighed. Damn it. What was Zach doing wrong!?

"I've never had one." What.

"What!? Wait just a second, dudebro." Zach would think Connor frowned, but apparently that was just his face all the time.

"Don't call me dudebro. Gah, I don't have time for this." Zach rushed over to the worst wingman in the universe.

"Girl, he has NEVER drunk a smoothie. This must be fixed." Addy rolled her eyes, but then just looked kinda lost. She scratched behind her ear.

"Um. Zach? He's gone." Zach turned around faster than the finals of a Poker match. And indeed, the guy was gone.

"AGAIN!? Where did he go!? How did you NOT see him leave?" The librarian shushed Zach. He grunted in disgust.

"You were all up in my face! I couldn't see anything else, geez." Zach groaned in utter frustration. And then the librarian told him to leave, or she'd MAKE him leave. It wasn't helping, but they had to walk out.

The rest of the day passed in a flash, what with the lack of Connor and Zach paying inhumane amounts of attention. Zach was abnormally silent during the ride home. Not depressed silent, but worryingly calculating scientist silent.

"...You know, Zach. I knew your trainwrecks were going to be a benefit in our friendship." Addy patted his shoulder. She supposed he'd eventually get over it.

"Oh, no, Addy. The train hasn't crashed yet." Addy swears to this day Zach's pupils dilated, and his smile reached his ears. No one believes her, but she still swears it.

"It...It hasn't? Zach, he walked out on you." Zach's hand was now in front of Addy's face.

"Technically. I walked out on him. You'll see, girl. You'll see." Addy was getting kind of worried for Connor. But knowing Zach, she couldn't ever come close to making drop this, so she went back to looking out the window.

_____

"Zach. This is a terrible idea." It was lunch time, and the duo was heading over to the library.

"That's alright, I made thirty seven plans yesterday. This is just the first one." Scrap kind of worried, Addy was full on pitying the guy now. Persistence really has two sides to the coin.

They entered through the doors. Connor was sitting down, reading a different book. It was a standstill, a shootout. Both cowboys were fully armed. Truly, this would be a duel to remember.

"Zach, you're been standing there for two minutes. Again." Zach grunted. She was right. The ice had already been pile driven into and there was no point in stalling. Zach stomped triumphantly next to his opponent. And laid his cards on the table.

"......What is this? Why are you here again?" Oh wow, he really didn't know.

"Connor, dude, this is a smoothie." Silence. Zach glared at Connor with the force of a thousand kittens. He saw it again, the unmistakeable transition from soft blushing to annoyance.

"...You're just being creepy now." Critical hit. Zach felt the words as a punch to his stomach, and flinched. The air may or may not have left his lungs. But a man must stand firm!

"Well, I kinda walked out on you yesterday, so I felt kind of rude about that..." Connor closed his book and stood up. He was short. Zach had at least half a head of height on him. It was cute. Although Connor's face wasn't looking huggable. Their eyes locked.

"No, I walked out on you! Can't you take a hint? You two are annoying, leave me alone!" And then, he walked out. A few seconds passed by, until Zach sat down and put his jaw on top of his right hand. He looked like a kid who had his candy stolen.

Addy wanted to ask why SHE was annoying, since she was just tagging along. Didn't even talk to the guy. But more important things had to be done.

Addy sat down next to Zach. She was glad she didn't bring popcorn as she had planned, because it would have been extremely rude.

"So, um, how many of your plans does this invalidate?" Zach sighed. His hand gave in to the weight of his head, and his face slammed against the desk. The librarian scolded them.

"...Thirty-Seven." Time passed between them in silence.

There's about a million ways to comfort a heart-broken person. Addy sucked at almost all of them. So all she could do is remember her brief time together with Zach, and shoot straight for his soul.

"Aww. Zach, it's going to be okay. I'll buy you cake after class!" Zach rolled his face so he could make eye contact. He pouted.

"Crushed dreams cake?" Addy nodded.

"Come on, it'll be fun! Hell, I'll buy two crushed dreams cakes. One 'This dude doesn't like me' cake for you..." Zach made annoyed noises.

"...and one 'I can never pull of a diet' cake for me." But then he giggled! Damn, she was good.

"You're a good friend Addy. High five?" With his face still against the desk, he raised his arm into the air.

"High five!" And high five they did.

The librarian kicked them out.

The rest of the day passed in a flash, what with the lack of Con- Okay. Sorry. That's a complete lie.

Zach and Addy had decided to go back to their classroom, when it happened. A huge mass of people were clumped together around the lockers. Murmurs filled the hallways.

"Ugh. There must be a dumb fight going on. Mom has enough work already, you kno-Oh? Oh!? Zach, it's Connor!" Zach hates fights. He is made out of cotton candy, and he thinks they're dumb anyways. But then he saw Connor on the ground through the wall of onlookers. He had a black eye.

"You wanna keep being a smartass, faggot? Know your fucking place, shrimp." Zach couldn't see the guy's face. He stood tall, and his body was wide and radiated push-ups. Zach's teeth clacked against each other. In his anger, he remembered his father's wise anecdotes.

__

"Wow, Dad. The bully called you that stuff? What did you do!?" Cody ruffled his son's hair, and flicked the channels on the television screen.

"I punched his face." Little Zach was beaming.

"Awesome! Did he leave you alone after that?" Zach's dad sighed. But smiled.

"No, son. I ended up in the hospital. It was so worth it, though." Baby Zach didn't really get it back then.

__

But he got it now. He knew what must be done.

"Zach I can see the look you're giving that idiot. Don't do it!" Talk to the hand, bitch. The Russell legacy must go on. Live your life like they'll make a movie out of it.

"Hey, jerkass, I've got something to tell ya!" Zach broke through the wall of, in hindsight, incredibly apathetic and useless students. The hulk of a bully turned around, fire in his eyes. Zach only 15% regretted this.

"Yeah, bitch? What is it, huh? Wanna end up like the red fag over there?" Zach was pissed. But...but...but wait. Something clicked. The bully's face...It was...

"Dude. Dude! I recognize you from that webcam show!" The whispers were gone. Connor's jaws was wide open. And Addy definitely wished she had brought the popcorn now. The bully looked angrier.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Man, that show you gave while wearing the shirt with the canoe drawing? You got like 200$ in donations" Canoe. Canoe.

The bully could see it now. His entire life, built around a pile of muscle and intimidation. On top of a Canoe.

The Canoe was sinking.

Canoe...

Canoe...

No one really knew what to say, and Zach was fondling his bag to take out his notebook.

"I've always wanted to meet a webcam star! Your show even went up unto my favorite site, it was THAT good! Would you sign my notebook? I'll totally forgive you for being rude to my pal Connor, to boot!" Zach was grinning hyper wide. The murmurs were starting again, but with a different tone.

Canoe...

Canoe...

The bully just...walked away.

"Dang it. I'll have to pester him later for it." Some of the crowd left after the bully. Some were just discussing the recent events. Addy walked up to Connor, and offered him his hand.

"Come on, Connor. Let's get the nurse to check that black eye out." Zach whistled. In his eyes, Addy was the smoothest operator. Addy poked his rib. Connor just looked at the two of them, not sure what to do. The day was going too fast for him.

"...I was incredibly rude to both of you." Zach nodded.

"Totally. Zach kept the flag flying, though." Sniff. Zach felt so bad now. She was the best wingman after all.

Connor kept looking at Addy's hand, like had never done this before. Actually, if we go through Connor's head, this was the first time.

"Ugh. Zach, this guy's just like you. You help him up, my arm's tired." The best wingman. They switched places.

"You two are insane. In the good way. Thank you." He grabbed Zach's hand, and he was back up.

They walked Connor over to the Nurse's office, properly introducing themselves this time. Zach had thrown out the smoothie in sadness before, but they agreed to go out for one on Friday.

"Wait, why on Friday? It's, like, Tuesday. That's a lot of days." Connor shrugged.

"I'm just busy. I help out home from Tuesdays to Fridays, so..." Ooh. Connor was secretly a house maid! Zach giggled. He imagined it now, 30 year old Connor with a maid suit. He must've looked like a pervert, because Addy poked his rib again.

And that was that. Connor gave the group his phone number, and they left him with Addy's mom as they went back to class.

"I'm surprised, Zach."

"Are you?"

"Well. Yeah. You stood up to a giant monkey, outed him as a pornstar and somehow managed to talk to Connor like a normal human being." Zach scoffed and crossed his arms.

"He called me creepy! That's a clear signal to slow things down, girl. Besides, he's totally into me." Addy rolled her eyes.

"And you're totally delusional."

__

Once again, 1 AM graced our presence. Connor's phone rung, and he picked it up immediately.

"Hey, Connor." Zach giggled. No one became his friend without the rite of passage.

"Ah, Zach! I appreciate your call." Zach scratched his head. And blushed.

"Y-You do?"

"Indeed I do. I have just finished reading this 900 page philosophy book, and..." Aww fuck.

"Addy told me you are, despite your way of acting, quite the scholar. Would you mind listening to me for a bit?" No no no. Zach was super tired. The whole point was for Connor to get pissed! Where did it all go wrong?

"Um, no it's cool uh. Um. The kitchen's on fire so GOOD NIGHT." Click. Connor dialed Addy's number.

"Addy? It's Connor. Thank you for warning me, I think I got him." Addy was giggling.

"Oh man, we're going to be great friends, Connor."

"I'd hope so. In fact, I was just done reading this book, and..." Fiddlesticks.

"Um, yeah, uh...Um. Losing signa-" Click. Connor groaned. Having friends was so overrated.