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Cynus

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Cynus last won the day on January 31 2018

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About Cynus

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    Fantasy

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    Homo Sapiens Icarus
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    In the Matrix
  • Interests
    Anthropology, Linguistics, TTRPG, Weird physics, Anything else...

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  1. It's not you, it's me, or more accurately, it's us. At thirty-three, swiftly approaching thirty-four, I didn't think I'd be coming out about another thing ever again. There are some parts of my identity which have been kept very carefully from public view for the bulk of my life, and I had honestly grown so used to the idea of not addressing them that the thought of doing so had stopped crossing my mind years ago. Nevertheless, it seems my soul has other things in mind. We have DID. As this is a public post, We will assume that there will be many who are unfamiliar with the acronym, and many still don't know what it means beyond knowing what it stands for. If you are familiar with it, you may skip the next few paragraphs if you wish. DID stands for 'Dissociative Identity Disorder', formerly known by the misnomer 'Multiple Personality Disorder'. It is a disorder brought on by extreme trauma experienced by people (nearly always children) who are capable of entering highly dissociative states. While all people are capable of dissociating to some degree, several conditions such as ADHD, ASD, BPD, and others, create a heightened disposition towards dissociation, making them more susceptible to developing DID during intensely traumatic experiences. During those traumatic experiences, the dissociation triggers as a form of emotional survival. In order to endure what is happening, the mind retreats from the experience of the body. Sometimes, when a person experiences this, the mind creatively invents an identity that it believes is capable of responding to that trauma, or storing it as a locked memory. This is how different identities (known as "alters") form within DID, and is also the reason why many who develop the disorder often have severe issues with memory and depersonalization. The symptoms can range in severity, and no two cases are the same, merely similar in function. In the case of the authors of this post, We were born with ADHD and ASD, and began experiencing extreme trauma around the age of seven. That severe trauma persisted well into our teenage years, with several significant events triggering along the way. If you have read our autobiographical piece, you know some of what occurred, but not all. In truth, We are not even certain if We have uncovered it all yet. That uncertainty is what led us to be open about this in the first place. The past year has been an interesting journey. Increased isolation brought on by the coronavirus pandemic put many of us into deep periods of self-reflection. In our case, there were personal issues which had created problems for us, and had forced us to acknowledge that We had much to work on. We were lost on our path in life, having felt disconnected from our passions such as writing and cooking—among many others—and the many disparate voices within us had caused issues for people We cared about. Becoming medicated for ADHD was a great place to start our recovery, but it wasn't until We began far more intensive therapies that We started sorting ourself out. We went faster than We should have, and often came out the other side of therapy wondering if the intense pain of working through traumatic memories and the destructive behaviors which had arisen from them was truly worth it. In the end, it absolutely was, for through the other side of that process We now feel cohesive, cooperative, have regained our understanding of empathy, and have overcome the depression that plagued us for twenty-five years. We do not know if such things will stay, but We are optimistic, for We now work as a system to address the problems We face in life. Throughout the course of this post, We have used first person plural pronouns, and We are making a conscious effort to make that our default. When We speak, We tend to speak as a blend of several of our alters at once. While only one speaks with the voice, others are immediately present, and We often shift fluidly. As such, We think of ourself in the singular as a system, but in the plural as those living within it. We understand this can be jarring for many people, and, if in personal interactions, you would prefer that We do not refer to ourself in this manner, We are willing to make that concession for the time being. In a similar yet different vein, our preferred pronouns are they/them (plural), although We accept any other pronouns as well. In our headspace, there are men, there are women, there are non-binary folks, there are some whose description would probably be worthy of a separate post entirely. Do not stress yourself to remember this part of us. Part of how We arrived at this new cohesiveness of functioning multiplicity, was through the help and guidance of other DID systems, who make it their mission to help others. It is because of their example that We feel compelled to do the same. We wish to bring awareness and understanding, and to help anyone who may be struggling in similar ways, whether with DID or otherwise. This year of working through things is also the primary reason why We have been unable to produce much in the way of artistic expression. It is difficult to do such a thing when one's emotions are erratic, and most of the time that's the only way to describe what We were feeling. Thank you for reading, and being part of our experience. We will be in touch, and We have much more to create and share with you all. Thank you for your patience with us. Survive and thrive, The Icarus System
  2. Cynus

    Chapter 20

    I may end up addressing that in a roundabout way when I decide to return to this world, not by directly talking about them, but by exploring what it means to be in that group overall. I'm more likely to go forward than back in the timeline. However, I do have an answer, and if you'd like me to do so, I will answer the question directly.
  3. Cynus

    Chapter 20

    I'm glad you enjoyed it when you had a chance to finish it! I might return to this world and play around a bit more in the future someday, so maybe there will be more! Although that's not a promise, just one of many stories tumbling in my head haha! Thanks for commenting.
  4. Thank you so much! That puts my mind at ease.
  5. To block a user in some way? There is someone who has been problematic for me in places that are not GayAuthors, but they are present here, and I would like to find a way to prevent their interaction with me, if possible. I couldn't find anything that would allow it, and I will simply continue to ignore them if there isn't another option.
  6. Cynus

    The Beholder

    I'm glad you found it provocative! My mind often drifts to the story of Narcissus and Echo as a cautionary tale for me to keep close at hand to keep me in check.
  7. Cynus

    The Beholder

    Thank you for reading it and responding. I'm glad it hit the mark.
  8. Cynus

    The Beholder

    I'm glad it resonated! I've had some emotions tumbling around in my brain for a long time, and I'm glad they can be put to use by someone other than me.
  9. It seems strange to me, to feel grief now After having lost so many And losing them in repetition. I feel like I lost my parents a thousand times And they're still alive. My sister's body lives on, Yet her mind is all but gone A shred of herself, haunting her flesh like a ghost Who barely remembers who she is. Perhaps dementia is a common thing we all experience, But not in such drastic of ways. Perhaps we all experience one thousandth of th
  10. I am somewhat in the "I will write no matter what" camp, but mine is entirely reflective of my mental state. Over the past two years (until very recently), I have been in a fugue state magnified tenfold by the pandemic. Probably the only reason I decided to return to the keyboard at all after that was because of the few readers who kept tabs on me and kept reaching out to support me in various ways. I don't know that the feedback is always vital to me, but sometimes it's the lifeline when you're feeling like you'll never be able to achieve what you want to with your work, and I think in that sense I'd rather hear it all the time, whether good or bad, even if it isn't normally the prime motivator behind my writing. It's comforting to know the ghosts are there sometimes.
  11. Happy Birthday GIF

    I hope you have a great day :hug:  

    1. Cynus

      Cynus

      Thank you, my friend!

  12. Cynus

    Chapter 5

    This made me laugh, thank you!
  13. Cynus

    Untitled Misery

    Thank you all for your fine compliments and support. This was something I wrote a couple months back and found hidden in my notes. At the time I was feeling the loss of potential I saw in myself due to dealing with trauma in my youth. I am, thankfully, in a much better place since then.
  14. I am a fond tragedy The last rites of a dying god Falling leaves in autumn A shrine to what could have been A whisper of secret gatherings in the hearts of men Who wanted a better world And died for the dream without ever waking Weep not for me but for the nightmares It is they which make the children cry out Only soldiers and survivors know the quiet helplessness of my demise Tragic that we were We are not the world We are its echoes in the dark
  15. Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. There isn't a sequel as of yet. I've tried writing one a few times and none of those attempts made it much further than a few chapters. I still think I will, but I don't really know when it will happen.
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