Josh.mp4 - 7. Checking out a cave

Chapter 6

 

 

 

Nathan's house is just around the corner, and even though it's right on the way to my place and I've taken this road a hundred times, I actually stop just as I come within sight of it. It's empty now, or at least it looks that way. I haven't seen Nathan's mother at all since Nathan jumped, which is good, I guess. One less person to ask me questions I don't really have the answers for. I mean, I could technically be considered Nathan's best friend. Nevertheless, when you got only one friend to choose from then it's not really a good indicator of how close you actually were to the person. I did hang out with Nathan, sure. Nobody else could tolerate him. But even so, it's weird when people think that we were actually super close and act all sad and regretful about the incident. It's mostly the adults that reacted that way, though. Most of my friends from school simply didn't talk about it when I was there, although I could tell that rumors were springing up all around me. The guys in my team took it the hardest, and it got weird pretty fast three days ago, when we were out drinking, particularly when I did not exactly jump up and shout to deny the fact that Nathan and I had been friends.

I walk past the house intending not to look up, but as I am passing right past the front door I stop and look at the attic window that I know was part of Nathan's bedroom. I still can't process it properly, the fact that I'm not ever going to go back upstairs to his room and laugh at his stupid videos. Those clips became almost exclusively about pranks and cats as time went by, and far less about the original (and boring) artisty stuff that he had wanted to film. I can't believe that I won't ever stay up all night watching violent movies and eating forbidden pizza with Nathan, who's the only guy I knew who really liked the old Kill Bill movies not just because of all the blood but because of the awesome choreography of the fights. It's unreal, this sense of loss.

On a whim I walk into the garden, then out past the house into the back. I can't help it. There, on the overgrown lawn that rings the backyard, stands the dilapidated and torn tent that Nathan brought with him on our trip to the cave. I’m a bit surprised at seeing it set up there in the middle of the garden. He must have kept it and set it up in his backyard as some kind of weird fort.

I approach the tent, which is damp and could smell better, and after looking around furtively once to check that Nathan’s parents are not around I go inside. It's not very big, and the grass is wet under my hands as I crawl into the confined space, but the instant I am in there I remember the cave. And I'm not sure if I want to stay and remember everything so clearly, or just go back outside and block it if I can.

 

 

"Come on, Josh," Nathan said.

"I'm coming, dammit."

"We got to get there before the moon comes out."

"Why?" I asked, walking behind him.

"Because! I got to set up the camera."

"Okay, okay."

We were walking up in the direction of the cliffs, the only people crazy enough to go out in that cold January morning. I was glad I'd brought my jacket. The wind was the main problem; it was freezing and it whipped all around us coming from the sea. The sky overhead was a solid steel gray and it felt as if the clouds were hanging really low over our heads. It would be the perfect time to stay at home, but no. Here I was, walking in the damn cold. I looked out over the water, shivering at the thought of taking a dunk in the frozen sea. There were no surfers out anymore. Nobody at all was walking or driving through this lonely road.

It hadn't changed that much from the few times I'd been here earlier in the year, other than there was a lot less grass to be seen. And did I mention it was cold? Anyone who thinks that California is a place where it's warm and sunny all the time has never been here in the winter. Sure, most days are fine, but when we do get cold fronts like this one it sucks.

"I don't even know why I agreed to come in the first place," I grumbled, catching up to Nathan.

"Stop whining, Josh," Nathan told me. "I've seen your training schedule, remember? You never complain when you have to get up very early for those idiotic dawn running sessions that the soccer coach is obsessed with doing. It's much colder then if you compare it to now."

"Yeah, but that's different. That's for the team."

"'That's for the team'. Right. As long as somebody else is telling you what to do, you mean. Do you enjoy being a mindless drone, Josh? Because it sure looks like you do."

I gave him a light shove. "Shut up, Nathan."

He returned the shove, harder, almost making me lose my footing. I tried to retaliate, but he hurried out of my reach. "Make me."

I stooped down and picked up a handful of dirt, but Nathan started running when he saw. I grinned and started running after him, dirt still in my hand.

"You can't outrun me!" I yelled, coming in fast.

"I can try!"

He never had a chance. My soccer training kicked in and I zoomed after him in a sprint, throwing the dirt at his back when I was close enough. The handful caught him square on the back of the head with a solid whack.

"Ow!" Nathan yelled. He stopped running.

"Want another?" I asked, slowing down to a walk beside him.

He flipped me the bird and stalked off, shaking bits of dirt off his hair. For a second there I thought that I had triggered one of his moody episodes, where he would just act all offended and refuse to talk to me for days at a time. I never knew what set him off. It could be a practical joke, or a casual remark. It made him annoying to be around, sure, and even his mother had told me that she couldn't stand it when he acted like that, but it didn't happen all that often if you avoided his triggers.

Nathan grinned this time, though, and I saw he hadn't taken offense.

"Hey," I said. Nathan slowed down so I could catch up again.

"What?"

"We're still close enough to town to go back and just watch a movie, you know. My mother's going back to Seattle for the week and my dad won't mind the noise. Besides, it's my turn to buy the pizza."

"Tempting, but no. Come on, Josh. You promised you would come with me to the cave ages ago."

"I know, I know. But couldn't you wait until summer?"

"We're not going to be there forever. Just one day, shooting video of the waves and clouds moving across the sky. I'd go alone, but I don't want to be bored to death."

"I thought you were done with the deep stuff for your videos. Aren't cats way more profitable?"

"Yeah. That's why I'm opening a second channel for the serious stuff."

"Sounds boring."

"Soccer sounds boring. I don't know how you can stand it. Ninety minutes of people kicking a ball around, not scoring, spending far more time throwing themselves on the grass and crying than actually trying to do something interesting."

"We've been over this. It's way more competitive and complicated than that."

"Yeah, right."

"Well, you're the one who hasn't wanted to show up to any of the games. It's been like three months now and it’s free."

"Boring. I'd much rather spend the time editing videos with you. You know you're really good at it?"

"Uh-huh."

He turned to look at me. He hadn't combed his hair, as usual, and it was being blown all over in the direction of the wind. Thankfully, he had stopped wearing caps on backwards. "I actually mean it, Josh. You're very good at synchronizing frames and spotting inconsistencies. Remember that time in November when you helped me finish that awful ad for the school? That was amazing. You ever think about going into graphic design? After high school?"

"Um... I don't think I’ve though that far ahead, to be honest."

"Well, you should. You don't want to be one of those people that just sort of gets carried around by life, with decisions made for them. Me, I've thought about my future. I'm not going to wait for it to happen to me."

"Don’t lecture me yet again on your plans, dude. We all know you have this amazing master plan for fame and fortune."

"You should think about the future, too."

I didn't say anything to that for a while, but I thought about it. That's one of the things I liked about hanging out with Nathan: he made me think. I honestly hadn't given a second thought about what I would do after high school, even though the year was nearly half over. Neither had Kate, or any of my friends from the team other than Mark, who already had a sports scholarship for an out-of-state university, although he wouldn't tell us which one. I was nowhere near as good as him, though, even if I had sort of vaguely imagined that I would be following in his footsteps one way or another. Kate wanted to go to UCLA or some other place that would be close to home, but she hadn't exactly applied yet or anything and at this point it was mostly wishful thinking.

"You think I should start applying to universities?" I asked Nathan.

"You haven't applied to any yet?" he said in that you're-so-dumb voice he used sometimes.

"Nope."

"Dude, yeah. You really do need people to spell out everything for you, don't you? If you want to start in the fall, then yeah. Now is the time."

"I don't know. Kate and I had sort of thought to take some time off together to—"

"I'll check the camera settings."

Oops. I had forgotten Nathan 101: don't talk about Kate, even if I’d been going out with her for months now. It was idiotic, but Nathan hated any mention I made of her and would sometimes stop a conversation altogether if I did. Like now. It was funny, because it was the same thing with Kate. She couldn't understand why I liked hanging out with Nathan, but the one time she tried to forbid me to see him I flat-out told her that she had no business telling me who my buddies were supposed to be. She had backed off, but like Nathan she could not abide the mention of the other and so pretended that he didn't exist, which was mostly what Nathan did in her case anyway. Harvey had even pointed it out to me once, when we were really drunk, and it had gotten him a right hook to the jaw when he said that I should decide on which girlfriend I wanted to keep. Harvey is a big guy, but I had him on the ground in three seconds flat. After that nobody else teased me about Nathan again. Like Kate, my teammates simply learned to pretend that he didn't exist. And that suited Nathan just fine.

"Hey. Nathan," I called.

Predictably, he ignored me.

"Nathan. You still haven't told me what the big pack is for. Is that a tent you're carrying on your back?"

"Yes."

"And why do we need a tent?"

"Um..."

"You didn't say anything about camping there. You do realize it's really too fucking cold for that."

"I know, I know. I brought it just in case. What if something happens? What if it rains?"

"Well, that's a good point," I said, looking up at the sky. The clouds did look like rain, possibly. Or snow. I couldn't be sure; I'm terrible at predicting the weather.

"I brought it so my gear wouldn't be ruined if the weather is bad. Okay?"

"Okay, all right, easy. Just asking."

"It's really cool, you know. The cave."

"So you've told me a million times."

He looked back at me and grinned. "Today you finally get to see for yourself. It's gonna be awesome."

"Let's just hurry, okay? I want to be back home before dinnertime."

The walk to the little part of the cliffs where the path started winding down leading to the seaside cave took us about another half an hour. By then the exercise had warned me up and the wind had let up significantly, both of which were things that made me feel a lot happier. Looking down from the top of the path that had been impossibly carved into the rock face somehow, I did feel a little thrill of excitement. I had been here many times, but I had never gone down and I was curious. The sight of the slow waves breaking over the rocks was entrancing and kind of beautiful, and the sheer cliff walls had a particular something to them, some kind of primordial strength vibe about them I guess. A seagull cried out over our heads as it flew inland. There was no sound of cars, nothing but the wind and waves.

"Peaceful, isn't it?" Nathan said. I looked over at him and realized he had been watching me.

"Yeah. Let's get down already."

Nathan nodded. "You first."

I shook my head. "Oh, no. No way. You think I forgot how you almost pushed me to my death over the edge that time? No, sir. You go before me."

Nathan did something really strange then. He apologized. "Yeah. I'm sorry about that, Josh. It was… It was one of my bad days. You know how I get. I'm sorry I tried to push you. Twice. I was a dick."

I blinked, too surprised to say anything. Nathan rarely apologized for anything. By the time I had recovered, he was already on his way down and it was too late to answer. So I simply followed him.

The climb down wasn't that bad. There were lots of loose rocks lying around, sure, and for some reason I kept slipping on the little bastards, but we made it all the way down in one piece by keeping to the rock wall and treading carefully most of the ten of fifteen minutes it took to get down. Ahead of me, when we reached the bottom, Nathan hopped off the trail and onto a narrow shelf of rock that was more or less flat and which jutted out of the main cliff face straight into the ocean. If it had been made of sand instead of really big uneven rocks, the little shelf would have been the perfect beach, sheltered as it was on three sides by the cliffs all around. The waves were practically nonexistent, and there was only a little ocean spray every now and then which was annoying but not dangerous or anything. The wind had stopped, which was good, although I didn't know if it was because it wasn't blowing anymore or simply because we were so well sheltered by the rocks that it didn’t reach us. Either way I was glad that it wasn't going to be miserably cold in here after all. I had no idea how long Nathan expected to be here but I planned on leaving before it got dark.

I had to give it to Nathan, nevertheless. He had chosen a very good spot for filming beautiful scenery. I followed him up a secondary path that followed the rock shelf a little bit higher up, climbing slightly. The rocks were big and seemed to have been carved by the waves over a very long time, but they did lead up until the little path reached the yawning mouth of a dark cave maybe a hundred feet away. The going was slippery, and slow. I didn't want to hurry and neither did Nathan, apparently, because for all its secluded goodness, the waters of the bay must have been really cold and there was no practical way to climb back up onto the tall rocks if you fell into the ocean. Drowning would not have been a real problem since the water was so calm. Hypothermia, though, sure was and so I took my own sweet time going all the way up and avoiding the slippery patches. Nathan got to the cave before me, but I was close behind. I stopped for a little bit to catch my breath from the little quick climb and then turned around to look out over the ocean.

"Dude," I said. "Wow. Just... wow."

"Told you," Nathan answered smugly. Then he sat down in front of the cave, legs crossed. I copied him, and for a little while we did nothing except look out and enjoy the postcard-perfect view we had of the sea.

The ocean and the sky seemed to melt and run together far away in the horizon, both the same shade of watery gray that faded with distance. Closer to the bay, the waters of the ocean turned a dark blue streaked occasionally with light foam. On either side of us the impossibly tall walls of the cliff cut off our view of the ocean in a strangely symmetrical way, like the half-drawn curtains of a theater. The rocks were dark and forbidding, the sky was low and oppressive still, and the ocean looked deadly for all its calmness. And yet, it was peaceful.

Next to me, Nathan sighed. "I love it here."

I nodded, still looking out over the waters. "It's amazing. It's just…"

I didn't finish my thought, but there didn't seem to be any point in doing so. I could hear the sound of the waves breaking softly on the rocks below, smell the ocean and feel the relative warmth that came from not being constantly exposed to the wind in the world above. I'm normally not very contemplative, but the place had that kind of effect on you, like when you go inside a really big cathedral. It’s big inside, and really beautiful, but instead of talking your head off about how awesome everything is, you instead feel like you should maybe just shut up and enjoy it respectfully. It was exactly the same kind of feeling I got from the bay.

"When I'm here," Nathan said softly, "I can pretend that the rest of the world doesn't exist. That's why I like it so much. Here I can be truly alone, without having to deal with other people's bullshit."

"Yeah," I agreed. "It kind of feels like we're all alone, but in a good way."

Nathan slowly inched to sit closer to me, but I only noticed it when he brushed my shoulder with his arm. I started involuntarily, and then edged away. Nathan caught the hint and stood up abruptly, walking over to where he had left his huge backpack.

"You want to see the cave?" he said.

"Sure," I said, standing up too.

The cave turned out to be really big but not very deep. It looked more like a gigantic indentation on the cliff wall than a cave, as if a giant had taken an ice cream scoop out of the rock and left the hole behind. The cave sat on the highest point of the little secondary path we had been following, maybe thirty feet straight up from the level of the ocean. A low-hanging shelf of rock made up the ceiling, and the inside of the cave was gently curved and surprisingly smooth in places. It reminded me of some of the caves I had seen in a history book. Somewhere where you can find prehistoric paintings. It had that kind of a feel to it, particularly since it was barely deep enough for it to be called a proper cave. The entrance was wide enough to admit light even at the very back of the cave itself, and only the inner part of the ceiling was covered in shadows. In a corner, there was a darkened sooty spot with a few smaller rocks surrounding it that betrayed the fact that Nathan had made at least one campfire in there at some point.

"You like it?" Nathan asked me.

"Yeah," I said. I nodded at the campfire spot. "Looks like you've been here quite a few times."

He nodded. "I camped out here once, maybe three weeks ago. It was okay, but I didn't bring enough firewood and so the fire didn't last very long. That's why I brought a bigger stash last week."

He pointed at the far corner of the cave and I noticed a sizable bunch of logs, most of them medium-sized, stacked in a neat pile. They were partially covered by a tough-looking sheet to keep out the moisture.

"Must have taken you quite a few trips to get all that stuff down here," I observed. "You plan on camping out soon?"

Nathan shrugged. "Maybe. Hey, help me set up the cameras."

"Okay. What do I do?"

I had to admit it was fun. We spent maybe two hours fooling around with the damn cameras, setting one up in a privileged position on a tripod so it would catch the moment of sunset, which according to Nathan was perfectly visible from the spot we were at. I couldn't even see the sun behind the thick cloud cover, so I had no way to prove or disprove Nathan's claims but I helped him align it precisely with whatever imaginary frame of reference he was using.

Next we used the smaller camera Nathan had brought to film random stuff around the cave. At first I didn't think we would find much worth filming, but then we found the tidal pool. It was in a nearly-inaccessible region of the rocky ledge, so much so that we only had time to film one weird-looking crab and a bunch of algae before the tide began to rise and we had to retreat back to the safety of the cave. By then, we were both hungry.

"What did you bring?" I asked Nathan, eyeing his backpack expectantly.

"Some beer. Chips, and a couple of tuna sandwiches in case you wanted real food."

"Nice. Pass me a sandwich and a beer, bro."

"Sure."

Nathan tossed me a can that was nice and cool. I opened it and drank with satisfaction.

"You always think of everything," I said. "How do you even manage? The camera gear, the food, even a damn tent!"

"It's no big deal," Nathan said, passing me a sandwich. He got one for himself and we started eating.

The conversation died while we were munching on our food, but eventually the sandwiches were gone along with most the chips. I had finished my first beer and was sipping the second one, leaning against one of the smooth walls of the cave. Nathan was sitting nearby, well into his third beer.

He burped loudly, and the sound echoed in the cave. I started laughing.

"Oops," he said.

I tried to copy him, but I wasn't successful.

"Damn," I said. "I can never burp on cue."

"And it's such a useful skill to have these days," Nathan commented.

"Right, like YouTube editing."

Nathan tossed me an empty beer can. "Shut up, Josh."

I caught it easily, and threw it right back at him. It hit him square on the shoulder.

"You're slow," I said. "You should try and do some kind of sport sometime. I can't believe you don't exercise at all."

Nathan shrugged. "I don't like to."

"For real?"

"Yeah. What's so weird about that?"

"But it's… it's just so cool! You spend lots of energy working out, sure, but when you're done you feel even more energized! And good! It's like a rush, in a way. I love the post-workout feeling, when you're all pumped up. You feel tired but strong. It's hard to describe."

Nathan took a swig out of his beer. "You do realize that's just a chemical reaction, right? It's mostly endorphins making you feel like that. You can get addicted to that sensation, just like you can get addicted to any other chemical substance that gives you a rush. Personally, I'd rather just get some weed if I want to feel high instead of sweating and grinding my way through two hours of useless repetitive activities that are boring and without purpose."

"Exercise keeps you healthy," I pointed out.

"Exercise can also do more harm than good. You get injuries. Sprains. And it hurts. Remember that time one month ago when you could barely walk because of your knee? When that guy tackled you in one of the games? Don't tell me you enjoyed it."

"Of course not."

"See? In my opinion, exercise is for idiots."

"It's not all bad," I said, persisting in the argument although I knew that Nathan would never admit he was wrong. "You look better. You get muscle tone."

Nathan rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah. I forgot all about the insecurity and issues with body image that most gym addicts usually have. I've seen them, you know. They spend eighty percent of the time admiring themselves in the mirror when they work out, obsessing about what they're supposed to eat and so on. It's pathetic."

"So I'm pathetic?" I said, beginning to get annoyed.

Nathan nodded, oblivious to my change in tone. "Sometimes, yes. And it's a shame, really, because when you're not desperately trying to be just like everybody else I can see that you're actually pretty smart. And unique."

I sighed loudly, setting down my half-empty can on the rocks nearby. "Why do you do this, Nathan?"

"What?"

"Why do you always have to point out the negative stuff in everything? Does it make you feel good?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. You're always ranting about something or another. You hate everybody at school, you hate every single class, you hate people in general, and now you apparently hate exercise."

"So what?" Nathan said defensively. "I'm not allowed to have an opinion?"

"No, that's not… What I mean is that it's annoying, dude. It's like you're deliberately trying to push people away or something. I've seen you at school, you know. How you act. You're a jerk to everyone and then you complain that they all hate you."

"We're not in any classes together and we agreed way back that it would be best if we don't hang out during school hours. Are you stalking me or something?"

"No! Dammit—see? That's what I'm talking about. I'm just saying that I see people trying to reach out to you and you behave like a total ass. Like that one guy, Mitch. The one who wanted to talk to you about your videos. Remember?"

"Sort of. How do you know about that?"

"Nathan, I was there. In the cafeteria, sitting with my friends. I saw the guy come up to you. I heard him trying to be friendly, saying that your videos were pretty cool. He asked you for some tips on video editing."

"He was making fun of me. In public. Only pretending to be interested in what I do."

"He was not making fun of you. Even I could see that and I was sitting two tables away! But you had to go ahead and insult him loudly enough for everyone to hear, telling him he was an idiot who was obviously too dumb to go ahead and stream a simple tutorial. That was low, man."

"Whatever."

"You don't even care, do you? About the impact your words have?"

"Why should I? I don't like Mitch, or any of them. Should I pretend to like them just so they can pretend to like me in turn? Should I go hang out with them and be absolutely bored with their idiotic conversations and go to parties where I would be miserable just so people would think that I am normal? I don't think so, Josh. I'm honestly one hundred percent not interested in doing any of those things. I'd rather be alone and I'm honest about it. You do realize that most of the so-called social interaction is based on lies? We pretend to tolerate others, and we pretend to be polite, because if we didn't we would find out very quickly that most others can't stand the sight of us just as we can't stand the sight of them, and then there will be anarchy and violence and lots of awful stuff. I recognize the usefulness of social protocol, I'm not stupid. I am aware of the human need to belong, to feel accepted. It's just not for me. And this is a free country so I think I'm entitled to my opinion."

I was looking at him as he spoke, and I could see he was completely sincere. He honestly believed what he was saying.

"So you're telling me that you basically hate everyone on the planet," I told him.

"Yeah. Well, not everyone." Nathan cast his eyes down. "Not you, Josh. I like spending time with you. You're my best friend. Well—my only friend."

If it hadn't been for the growing shadows of the cave I could have sworn Nathan was blushing, but I couldn't be sure. An uncomfortable silence followed his admission, which Nathan made no attempt at breaking.

I simply couldn't understand how his mind worked. One minute he was being a complete annoying asshole and the next he was a totally different person, sincere and almost caring. I had sort of gotten used to it over the months, but there were times when he still managed to surprise me, like right now.

Nathan was looking at me expectantly like he wanted me to say something in response to his little confession, but to be honest I had no idea what to say and so I said nothing. I'm not the touchy-feely kind of guy, not by a long shot, and I've never been big on a heartfelt conversations so I just let it drop. After a bit, Nathan turned to look out into the ocean and drank the rest of his beer. I followed his example, reaching for a third can about half an hour later. I found a comfortable spot on a flat semi-cool rock and I made a pillow over it with my jacket. It was very comfortable, and so together the two of us sat and we watched the sun go down very slowly as an hour and then another went by. I was getting a nice buzz from the alcohol, and although Nathan and I didn't speak much as we waited for the sun to set I could tell he had stopped sulking when he found a spot next to me and lied down so we could watch the ocean together. He only got up to tweak the settings in his camera every now and then, and took pictures as the light changed. He took out his phone at some point and began shooting videos of the waves, which I found very boring but didn't bother pointing out. I was discovering it was actually nice to just relax like this, not really doing anything. Usually I was always running from one place to another, from school to training to Kate and then to games and occasionally even studying. I almost never took the time to simply do nothing like right now. It felt good. I thought about saying so aloud to Nathan, but when I caught his eye I only nodded. He smiled at me, briefly, and continued working on his multiple cameras as the day came to an end.

The sunset was okay; nothing spectacular due to the clouds that persisted on obstructing the view. As soon as the sun had fully disappeared across the ocean, Nathan turned off the main camera and put it away along with the tripod.

I stood up, stretching. I was slightly sore from the stupid rock. "Hey dude, it's getting late. We better get started on the way back or we'll have to climb up in the darkness."

Nathan nodded absently, packing everything. He gathered all the garbage and put it in a bag. I saw we had another six-pack which we hadn't touched. It was probably not a good idea to get any drunker, though. I didn't want to fall down to my death on the narrow path or anything.

"Give me a few minutes," Nathan said. "You go on ahead while I finish here."

"Sure."

When I walked out of the cave, the first thing I noticed was that the level of the water was much higher than before. It was also colder out, with a little bit of wind blowing into the bay, and the waves that had before been far down amid the rocks were breaking now just a couple of feet below the highest point of the path we had followed in coming here. I put on my jacket and walked in the approximate direction we had come from, looking for the path.

It wasn't there.

I blinked, thinking that maybe the fading light had confused me. The sky above was gray with twilight, but there was still enough light to see by… except there was nothing to see. At the point where I was sure we had come through there was only water. The tips of some rocks poked through the waves here and there, revealed slightly when the waves receded. Far ahead, where the cliff wall began, I saw what might have been the path, only now completely inaccessible.

I frowned and actually backtracked all the way to the cave and looked around in every direction, but there was no way out of the narrow shelf of rock we were in. The realization slowly came to my mind that the rising tide had submerged the way out. If we wanted to reach the path now, we would have to swim. In freezing water. Over the tips of rocks that were only partially submerged at some points. In the growing darkness.

I didn't panic right away, probably because I was a little bit drunk, so instead I walked back to the entrance to the cave to see whether Nathan was finished with the packing. If we hurried while it was still light out, we might find a way to make it through. It was worth a try.

When I got to the cave, though, the first thing I saw was the tent. The big, dark red camping tent that Nathan had set up against the far side of the cave, open on the front with a view towards the ocean. As I approached, he finished setting it up with quick efficiency, standing back from it to admire his work.

"We're locked in," I said unnecessarily. "The tide."

Nathan nodded. "I thought it might happen. I wasn't sure how far up the water would go."

The realization finally got through to my alcohol-addled brain. "You planned this! You wanted us to be locked in for the night! That's what you brought all this stuff in the first place, right? You knew this would happen!"

Nathan was unapologetic. "Hey, there's nothing we can do about it now. If you try and swim it will be really dangerous and the water is cold, trust me. I know. I got trapped like this once before, in the summer. The water doesn't come inside the cave so don't worry about that. And we won't freeze to death. I brought really good sleeping bags earlier and there’s the firewood if you want to build a fire. It should be fun."

I blinked, wanting to say so many angry words at once that in the end I ended up saying nothing. I was pissed off, confused, and about a million other negative things at the same time.

"Dude," I finally managed to say. "Nathan. What. The. Fuck?"

"I thought you needed some time to relax," he told me. "You've been pretty stressed out lately. I thought this would help."

"You... what… are you really insane? How about asking me first, huh? You ever think I might not be exactly thrilled to spend the night out in the open in the winter, in the middle of nowhere? What am I supposed to tell Kate? I said I was going to meet her tonight and she's gonna flip out when I tell her I'm with you. And I have practice tomorrow! I'm not gonna make it in time; we start at seven and I still have to go back home, get changed and take a shower however early in the morning this damn tide will let me through and the coach will tear me a new one if I’m late... God damn!"

Nathan put a hand on my shoulder. "Josh."

"What?"

"Relax. That's the whole point of this. I told you I've seen how stressed out you are lately. Just let go for a little while."

"Well, I don't really have a choice, do I?" I said, knocking his hand away. "Asshole."

"I... I thought you would like it," Nathan confessed. "That's why kept it a surprise."

"A surprise? Seriously? This is borderline psycho!"

Nathan was impassive in the face of my anger. "Whatever. We really can't go anywhere, like I said. We might as well enjoy it."

I thought about punching him, I really did. But he was right; there was nothing we could do until the next morning. We were trapped in here for better or worse even if I didn't like it. It sucked, and if he had asked me I would never have said yes, but now here we were.

"This is officially the worst thing you have ever done," I told him.

"Sorry," he said, but not like he meant it. More like he wanted me to shut up.

"Damn right you're sorry." I sighed. "Whatever. Let me have a look at our supplies."

I didn't talk to Nathan for a long while. Instead I angrily ate another sandwich I found in a bag I had not seen before, which also contained more chips and even a small bag of marshmallows. When the food was gone, I grabbed another beer and drank it in silence. My earlier happy buzz had disappeared, and I was determined to get it back. I did not succeed, but I did go through another can of beer fairly quickly. When I stood up to take a piss the world spun around me slightly.

I came back to light in our improvised campsite. Nathan had apparently been building a fire, and now he had kindled it. The light grew steadily until we had a sizable bonfire crackling amid its circular bed of small rocks. At first I disdained it, and deliberately sat as far away from it as I could, looking out over the ocean to make it clear that I was still pissed at Nathan. Little by little, though, I began to feel colder. Night had fallen by then, and my jacket wasn't enough to keep me warm. I resisted as long as I could, but eventually I simply gave in and went to sit by the fire were Nathan was. As I approached, I saw he was miserably roasting marshmallows over the flames.

"Hey," I said, and sat down next to him. We had our backs to the tent, which reflected the heat nicely. The warmth was very welcome.

"Hey," Nathan answered.

I drank the last of my beer. Then I simply sat there, looking at the flames. The ocean beyond was dark, and I could not distinguish between the waves and the walls of the cliffs. Only the sky was lighter, slightly, the ever-present cover of clouds reflecting the light from the town.

"Marshmallow?" Nathan offered eventually.

I held out my hand. "Yeah."

He handed me a stick with a steaming marshmallow skewered through its end. I ate it slowly, mindful of the heat. It was slightly burnt on the outside and gooey on the inside, really good. The taste reminded me of summer camp, ages ago. I had still been a little kid then, probably no older than ten. I had made a good friend that summer: Jack. We had done everything together. We had told each other all our secrets. He was a couple years older than me, but he had let me hang out with him and his friends. It had been the best feeling in the world, acting like I was so grown up and stuff. I'd been genuinely sorry when camp ended, and I had not seen Jack again. Funny that I should remember Jack all of a sudden now.

I finished the marshmallow. I realized my anger had cooled off and I made an effort to let it go.

"This is nice," I said.

"Yeah," Nathan agreed.

"It's really peaceful out here."

"I know."

"Pass me a beer and maybe I’ll forgive you for this."

I had lost count of how many I'd had, but we went through the remaining cans pretty quickly, not really chatting much but enjoying the companionship and getting well and truly drunk. I started enjoying myself in the end, appreciating the fact that we had a night to ourselves without any pressure from the outside world. Kate wasn't nagging me, the coach wasn't shouting in my ear, and my parents weren't making me help around the house every free minute I had. I relaxed, and after a bit of time and a lot of alcohol I even forgot that I hadn't wanted to be here in the first place.

"Are we out of beer?" I asked Nathan. The can in my hand was empty.

He nodded, and then grinned stupidly, the way he did when he was really drunk. "Yup. And it's your fault."

I shook my head vigorously. Bad idea; I got dizzy for a second. "Dude. You should have stocked up better. It was your plan coming here, remember?"

"And you wanted me to climb... uh, climb down all the way here carrying all of it in my backpack? No way. You're lucky I brought as much stuff as I did."

"Oh, right. Well then, you should've told me and I would've helped. Totally."

"It was a surprise, remember?"

"Dammit. You're right."

"We still got marshmallows," Nathan said.

"Ew. I think I ate one too many."

"Don't hurl all over me if you did, Josh. You have the entire ocean out there to puke into."

"That reminds me. Gotta take another piss."

I stood up unsteadily. I walked along the rocks, careful not to fall down, remembering even in my drunken state that it would be a very bad idea to fall into the freezing ocean. It was getting still colder out. I relieved myself and came back to the warmth of our shelter, wishing that the fire had not started to burn low, but there was no more wood to be had.

I sat down heavily, and Nathan chuckled.

"What?" I asked.

He pointed. "Dude. Your dick's hanging out. You forgot to zip up."

"Really?" I said, looking. Nathan roared with laughter.

"No, but made you look!"

"Fuck you, Nathan."

He drank a little bit from his can, still chuckling.

"Hey," I said. "You still got booze."

"So?"

"So share! It's the last can!"

"No way. No way. You drank, like, two more than I did."

"I don't care. Give me some!"

"Nope." He started gulping it down.

I lunged for it, but I wasn't very fast. I ended up falling on top of Nathan, knocking him to the ground. The empty can rolled away over the rocks.

I laughed for no reason, and Nathan followed suit. We began rolling around the floor, laughing our brains out at absolutely nothing. After a while, I was laughing at Nathan's laughter, so hard that tears actually began to stream down my cheeks. It felt wonderful to just let go of the tension like that.

"Dude, this is amazing," I said, lying on my back next to the fire. I could see a few stars up above through the clouds. "This... maybe I’m just really drunk, but this was a great idea."

"Yeah," Nathan agreed, lying there nearby. "This is, quite possibly, the best night of my life." I turned to look at him.

“Really?” I asked. His eyes reflected the dying firelight.

He nodded, looking back at me. He got a little bit closer.

"Yeah."

When he kissed me it didn't feel as awkward as it should have. I don't know what it was that stopped me from reacting, but I didn't push him away or anything. I remember thinking that his body was really warm and that I was cold, but I did not reciprocate to the hunger in his lips and then the kiss was over. Nathan was looking intently at me, maybe trying to find something in my eyes and looking a whole lot more sober than he had been ten seconds ago. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. Nathan waited for a little bit longer, the tension between us about to snap, but then he cast his eyes down and seemed to give up. I caught a flash of true sorrow in them, even as wasted as I was.

"I'm sorry," I said. My words were a bit slurred. "I'm just not--"

"It's okay," Nathan cut in. "Let's go to sleep."

I dragged myself to the sleeping bags inside the tent and somehow made it into mine. Nathan didn't go inside right away; I heard him doing stuff to the campfire and then he walked away for a while. I'm not sure for how long because I fell asleep and woke up only when he came into the tent with me and wriggled into his sleeping bag.

"'Night," I said, half asleep myself.

Nathan didn't answer.

I slept through most of the night, although the cold did wake me up around dawn. My bladder was about to burst. When I moved to get out of my sleeping bag I saw that Nathan was sleeping right beside me, with one arm out of his own sleeping bag and slung protectively over me. I moved him as lightly as I could and went outside to the gray light of a new day. The tide had long since receded enough for us to get out, but I didn't feel like going yet. It was way too early. Then I came back to the warmth, draped Nathan's arm over my shoulder again and fell asleep, vaguely telling myself that I would not have a hangover although I was already feeling the familiar headache. Thankfully, I lost consciousness right away.