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- 08/28/2015
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
Josh.mp4 - 9. Making a horrible mistake
Chapter 8
I leave my house by the back door so I won't have to talk to my mother again. I guess I won’t be using her car after all. From the curb it's a short walk to the street that eventually leads out of town and becomes a trail further up into the cliffs and I hurry, eager to get there already. I put my hands in my pockets and feel the hard outline of my phone in there. I'm curious about Nathan's video, but I'm not sure I want to play whatever it is he made. I shouldn’t have decrypted the file and copied it into the phone. Too late now, though. And I really do want to know. I have no idea what Nathan’s last weeks in town were like.
I hadn't really spoken to Nathan at all for more than a month before he jumped, and to be honest I had mostly forgotten about him until now. What I told the cops was true: I really had no idea what he had been up to, if he had kept on making his videos as usual or what. I didn’t know what he was doing, and no he hadn’t contacted me in any way.
I sigh. I wish there was some way to get rid of the thoughts that just won't go away and won't stop repeating themselves. The questions, in particular, are the hardest to forget. What if we had never had that big fight where I said those awful things to him? What if I hadn't lost my temper and hit him? I can still see his face that night of the party after the big win. Surprised, hurt, and incredibly angry. At the moment I was too mad myself to think, but maybe I could have gone to him later. Apologized. Stopped whatever dark things were going through Nathan's mind which made him jump in the end. We probably wouldn’t be friends anymore, but he wouldn’t have tried to do what he did.
Time passes. I keep walking with my eyes on the ground. I pull up my hood, stash my hands in my pockets. Eventually, the wind begins to blow much more strongly and I look around me. I'm almost at the shack, and from there I can easily reach the little trail leading down the cave. Finally. To be honest I never thought much about the cliffs after that one enforced camping night we spent down there, but it must have meant a lot more to Nathan if he chose to jump from there. It's easy, now, to think of things I should have said and things I should not have said. I've never understood why they say that hindsight is 20/20 until now. Back then, though, I was just too angry and there's no going around that. And later, after I had cooled off, I have to admit that I was secretly glad that my friendship with Nathan was over. He was a difficult person to be around, rude and thoughtless and very cynical. Everybody I knew was glad I had finally stopped hanging out with him, and one time not long after the fight my mother even told me straight up that she thought Nathan was a bad influence and she was glad I had finally seen that he wasn't a good friend for me. I ended up believing them, knowing they were probably right.
Even so, if I could go back to that day and tell myself not to lose my temper like I did, I would. In a heartbeat.
It was a celebration, the best and the last. This time it took place in the country club a few miles north of the town proper. The season was finally over, and even though we hadn't gotten first place we had made it to the finals and made it damn hard for the other team to beat us. I didn't play in that last, most important game, but I wasn't mad or resentful about it. Willy deserved the honor and responsibility of playing for the team he had belonged to for four years now, and to be perfectly honest I didn't envy him the awful pressure when the teams were tied 0-0 at the end of a painful 90 minutes plus the overtimes and everything was decided in penalty kicks. Willy managed to stop one of the shots. The other goalie stopped two, and that was that. Second place for us.
Nobody was lamenting the loss, though. We had all arrived at the country club in high spirits, along with lots of our cheering fans, the cheerleaders and practically every senior in the school. Second place was very good, and everyone was certain that next year the team would do much better. Too bad that so many of us were graduating this year.
I went there with Kate and Mark took his girlfriend Stacy. Leo, who had originally managed to get the country club for us since his father was a manager there, had recently begun to go out with one of the cheerleaders, although I didn't know her name. Harvey and Willy were there, and the rest of the guys from the team. Practically all my friends were there and I was having a blast.
The country club had a swimming pool, and naturally everybody had converged sort of around it, drinking lots of beer and generally having a good time. There was decent music playing, and the place was much nicer than what we normally were accustomed to. It was a pretty good end-of-season celebration.
"You guys would have won if Josh had played, you know," Kate said at one point. She had brought swimsuits for both of us earlier. We had changed into them and were now standing waist-deep inside the warm swimming pool, along with Mark and Stacy and Leo and his girl.
Mark chuckled, holding his beer above the water. "Don't let Willy hear you, Kate."
"I don't know," I said. "It must've been crazy stressful facing those last penalty kicks. They are a goalie's worst nightmare, you know."
Kate shook her head, spraying a bit of water from her hair as she did so. "I don't think so. You would have won, Yoshi. I'm sure of it."
Leo snorted into his drink when he heard the awful nickname, and I was forced to splash his face with water.
"Hey!" he protested.
"Shut up, Leo," I said.
He grinned. "I don't think so, Yoshi."
He knocked the beer out of my hand, and of course it fell into the pool, which meant all three girls with us started screaming that it was gross and they got out of the water immediately. I retaliated by knocking Leo's beer into the water while Mark was laughing his head off.
"Knock it off, guys," he said, setting his own beer by the side of the pool out of harm's way. "I don't want to be swimming in booze."
Leo pushed me backward into deeper water. I came up coughing and sputtering, but didn't pursue the mock fight. "Fine. But now you get to bring us more beers, Leo."
Leo grinned. "Screw you, Josh. I'm getting my own only."
He swam away before I could catch him, and got out of the pool headed straight for the bar.
"Little bastard," I muttered.
"You would have, too," Mark said thoughtfully.
"Huh?" I asked, not knowing what he meant.
He looked at me. "You would have stopped more than one shot in the penalty kicks. We might have won if you had been in the main lineup."
I shrugged. "I don't know. Those guys from Eastern were pretty good."
"Maybe. But I've seen you, Josh. You're pretty good under pressure. That time in the quarterfinals, the off-side kick... That was great save. I doubt Willy would have been able to make it. Who knows? Maybe if the coach had put you in we would now be celebrating getting the championship."
I grinned bashfully. I didn't want to admit it, but Mark was the captain and his opinion carried weight with most of us. If he said I would have done a better job, then that was what he really thought and it meant a lot to me.
"Thanks, bro," I said. "Too bad we won't get to play any other games this season."
"Yeah," he told me. "But there's still college."
I nodded. "Yeah. Right."
Mark's look strayed over to where the girls were standing. "I'm glad you decided to go steady with Kate," he told me.
"Yeah?"
He nodded earnestly. "She's good friends with Stacy. And she told me that Kate had had her eye on you from the very beginning."
I lifted an eyebrow. "Really?"
"Yup. You were really lucky, you know? I know at least three guys who were crushed when you and Kate started going out. Harvey, for instance."
"No way. Harvey?"
"Oh, yeah. You should've seen his face... He has had a crush on Kate since elementary school, I think."
"Well, too bad for him."
"Yeah. And… well, I guess it's no use now."
"What?"
Mark nodded in the direction of the girls. "The guys and I… well, we're just glad you're one of us, you know. For a while there, at the beginning of the year, you were hanging an awful lot with that weird kid. Nobody wanted to say anything, but some people were talking."
I instantly became defensive. Where had that even come from?
"So?"
Mark looked at me, then quickly away. "Nothing. I mean, you know… Some of us were worried you were alone with him a bit too much, if you know what I mean."
I could feel myself blushing, angry. I backed away from Mark.
"Dude," I said. "Weak."
Mark raised up a placating hand. "Hey. Forget about it. At least you're not talking to the little creep anymore. And you're with Kate, so everything's good."
“Yeah. I’ll go get another beer.”
I got out of the pool quickly so Mark wouldn't see how red my face was getting. I stood up, dripping and wearing only my swimsuit, and walked over to the bar passing Leo on the way. I got my beer and drank almost half of it in one go. Like I said, Mark's opinion mattered-- not only to me but to most of us in the team. And if he had been thinking that I was with Nathan, then everybody had been thinking it…
I suddenly viewed Kate's annoyance with Nathan in an entirely different light. I saw how many nights Nathan and I had stayed together watching movies and editing stuff, and I also saw how that might have looked to someone else.
"Fuck!" I said under my breath. I was angry. It was stupid, but I couldn’t help it.
And, of course, Nathan chose that exact moment to show up in typical unexpected Nathan style.
I don't know who was more surprised: me at seeing him at a social event, looking like he hadn't slept in three days; Kate and his girlfriends, one of which squealed when Nathan slammed the glass doors leading out into the pool open; or Mark and the other guys in the team, all of which looked first to Nathan and then to me.
The music was still playing loudly, but many of the conversations had stopped. I think the beer was spilling out of the glass in my hand from the careless way I was holding it. I didn't really notice. I was seeing red.
I walked quickly to him, having no doubt whatsoever from the way he zeroed in on the bar that he was here to talk to me. I hoped to get him back into the lobby and get rid of him there, in private. No such luck.
"Hey, JOSH!" he yelled loudly. The few people who had still been talking amongst themselves stopped and looked at us curiously. I felt eyes burning holes in the back of my head.
I got to where he was. I spoke angrily but low. "What the fuck are you doing here?"
Nathan grinned. He looked me up and down insolently. "Nice abs."
"Nathan. You shouldn't have come here."
"Funny you should say that. I kept telling myself not to come all week, yet here I am!"
At first I thought he was drunk, or high, but no—he was stone-cold sober. Every word he spoke was clear and perfectly audible to everyone.
"You've decided to ignore me," he accused me. "I think I know why, but I wanted to hear it from your own mouth and you keep on ignoring my texts. So I came here."
Someone made a loud kissing noise behind me. Someone else sniggered. I felt the heat of embarrassment burning my face.
"I don't know what the fuck you’re talking about," I said between gritted teeth. "Get lost, Nathan. We can talk later."
Nathan shook his head. "No, I don't think so. You see, I've been debating a lot. With myself. Thinking and thinking alone until I just can’t take it anymore; it’s got to come out. I give up. At first I thought I had too much self-respect to come and ask you directly, but it turns out I don't. So I came all the way to this awful thing you people seem to think is a party to talk to you. At least I'm here, you know. At least I’m not pretending like you don't exist, unfriending me from Facebook and ignoring all my messages."
Now people were openly chuckling.
"Josh?" Harvey was suddenly saying from nearby. He could barely contain his laughter. "Is everything all right with your, uh, friend?"
I turned around and pushed him roughly away, making him spill his beer. "Shut the fuck up, Harvey. And you, Nathan, I have no idea what you mean. Get out. This is a private party."
He almost did. Leave, I mean. I knew him well enough to understand that calling this much attention to himself at a social event was something he would've never done, not in a million years. And yet, his gaze hardened and he stayed put.
"No. I have to know, Josh. I have to know if you care—"
"Shut up."
"If what we shared in the cave meant anything to you. The kiss—"
My eyes widened in horror. "SHUT UP!" I yelled, dropping my beer. I came upon him and shoved him back. Nathan stumbled, managing to keep his footing although only barely.
He grinned cynically, determined, but his eyes were sad. "I knew it. You're a fucking coward. And you're also pathetic, you know that?"
Mark had come out of the pool. The gawkers parted to let him through and he spoke to Nathan. "Hey, buddy. You shouldn't be here."
"Shut the hell up, Marky, or I swear to God you will regret it," Nathan threatened him. And he said it in such a way that Mark actually backed off. Slightly. Then Nathan turned his attention back to me. "Aren't you going to say anything?"
"You're insane, man," I said, lamely, trying not to panic. "You're making things up."
Nathan snorted. "Really? Is that the best you got? Please. You should see how you look, Josh, practically wetting yourself now. You're so terrified of what I might say that your hands are shaking. And it's sad, you know. For a while I actually thought you could think for yourself, but really all you are is a pathetic little bootlicker, so desperate to fit in that you will do anything so people will like you. What does it feel like, huh? What’s it like for your life's ambition to be just one of the crowd, with a predictable meaningless life you yourself aren't even sure you want? You're one of those people that's just another gray forgettable face, another generic life wasted because you were too scared of embracing your individuality."
"Shut. Up," I warned him.
"Or what? You're gonna beat me up in front of your friends to show them how macho you are? Or maybe you think that by using your fists you can forget all about the kiss we—"
That was the exact moment I lost control. My fist swung outward explosively and connected with Nathan's jaw with a sickening thud. A girl behind me screamed. The crowd instantly drew back, anticipating the fight. I was livid.
Nathan fell to the ground hard. He stayed down, one hand over his bleeding mouth, looking up at me with an undecipherable mix of emotions.
I pointed at the door. My hand hurt like hell.
"Get lost. You hear me, you fucking freak? Go away! I don't know what the hell you think you had to do with me but it never happened, okay? It never happened!" I took a step closer; he cringed on the floor. "You think you're so bright, so superior with all your insults and your shitty little smartass remarks. But guess what: you're just a delusional asshole. Nobody likes you! Not one person—not even you own mother! And you want to know why? Huh? You want to know why? Because you're a shit human being that nobody can stand! I don't even know how I could put up with you for as long as I did unless it was out of pity for how pathetic you are. And now it's over. You get that? Leave me alone, you worthless shit. Go kill yourself or something and you'll see that no one will even notice you're dead. I don't want to talk to you ever again. Get LOST."
Kate had come up behind me and she grabbed my arm. I let her drag me away, and I left Nathan on the floor until he got up and fled. I told myself I had finally gotten rid of the freak for good and even got congratulated on how I'd handled the scene by a few of my buddies later—but I couldn't stop thinking about the way Nathan had looked at me as I walked away. He had never once shown vulnerability in the entire time I had known him. But as I had stalked off and left him there, his eyes had been bright with unshed tears.
Just one more chapter to go. It will be up on Monday. Thank you for all the reviews and all the likes, even with a story as sad as this one. I look forward to reading your opinion once the story is complete!
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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