Breakdown - 25. 23 Lookin Up, Looking Out

Cam leaned against the wall of his small cozy apartment and squeezed his eyes shut. He fought down the horrible thirst that was squeezing his heart. It had been three months, and the cravings would still come for him. He was starting to feel like his body would never forget the flavor of Aziel’s deadly kiss.

Sinking slowly to his knees, Cam held himself against a cold that was coming from within and let the tears slip down his cheeks. Would his life always be like this? Shaded by a horrible grey cloud that had Aziel’s cool blue eyes?

Cam felt the bile rise in his throat, and with a mighty shove managed to get off the floor. He retched in the kitchen sink, a thin stream of black bile leaking over his lips. He choked, fighting back another wave of nausea. This, he thought, was why people had to go into rehab. They could give you drugs that helped to fight these cravings. The only thing that was saving Cam from spiraling deeper into suffering was the fact that he couldn’t get whatever it was that Aziel had given him.

Because Aziel, that prideful bastard, had wanted Cam to be addicted to him.

Cam wiped his face with a cool washcloth that had been hanging over the tap on the sink. His hands were shaking. He looked at his watch. He was going to be late if he didn’t leave now…

Standing up Cam forced himself to take a deep, steadying breath. His stomach threatened to meet his lips again, but he swallowed it back. He knew there was nothing to come up anyways besides more thin, black bile. Cam rinsed the sink and put on his shoes. His face was haunted as he stood at the bus stop. He dug his fingers into the pocket of his coat, struggling with himself. Could he ever really get away from Aziel?

It was difficult to pay attention in class. Gabriel was teaching today, but all the words got jumbled in the air and fought with each other against Cam’s eardrum. He didn’t hear anything, he didn’t write anything down. He just stared at the blank piece of lined paper in front of him, watching the ends turn up like a ghostly smile. Every time he felt sick, he closed his eyes and put his forehead on his book. He was leaving a moist, sweaty mark at the top of his page.

When class was dismissed, Cam tried to sneak out with the others, but Gabriel stopped him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. Cam gulped and turned to face the beautiful man with the half-rim, silver glasses. Cam felt awful; he knew there were dark circles under his eyes from the sleep he hadn’t got. His skin was pasty and felt like it was stretched as tight as an artist’s canvas over his face.

“Cam, what’s wrong?” Gabriel asked, concerned. His eyes were so soft behind his glasses. Cam’s stomach hitched at the sight of the compassion.

“I… don’t feel well,” he said. He rubbed his scratchy eyes and looked away from Gabriel’s intense stare.

The teacher regarded him for a moment, putting a thoughtful finger to his lips. He’d been here for long enough to know that it wasn’t the flu that was gripping Cam. The shake, the darting eyes, the cold sweat pouring down his face. His pupils were constricted tightly and the whites were dusted with red blood vessels.

Gabriel nodded to himself and closed the door to his classroom, cutting off Cam’s escape. Cam gulped, holding himself tightly. His backpack felt like it weighed thousands of pounds, slowly dragging down his shoulder.

“I’m not stupid,” Gabriel said softly. It wasn’t accusing, like Cam had expected it to sound. It sounded hurt.

Cam’s whole body tensed up, and then strangely relaxed. He rolled his head back and let his bag drop from his shoulder with a heavy thud. Cam felt tears in his eyes again and forced himself not to cry.

“I… I have a problem. I’m getting over it,” Cam confessed. Why did he feel like he could trust Gabriel? Why did Cam want to give him everything that was precious and make him promise to hold it forever? It was the Craving, he thought. The Craving was making him feel like this.

Gabriel’s hand squeezed Cam’s arm. He guided him to a chair at the front of the class, and then pulled one out for himself. He sat slowly, thoughtfully.

“Cam, you’re a great student,” he said. “You’re eager. While you’re not the most brilliant kid I’ve ever seen, you’ve got enough up there to really make it.” He paused, studying Cam’s shaking eyes. “But you can’t do it if you’re on something.”

Cam shook his head. “I know, God, trust me, I know,” he whispered. “I swear to you, I’m not… anymore. I’m not. I swear.”

Gabriel looked away, his brow creased. It really wasn’t any of his business, but he had a way of making it his business whenever something like this came up. He hated seeing good kids get caught in something like this. Once you were down, it was so hard to get out of the gutter…

“What were you on?” Gabriel asked quietly.

Cam gulped. A warning flag went up in his head. He pressed his lips together so hard they went white. The name fluttered on his tongue, but he refused to utter it. He swore to himself, right then and there, that he would never tell Gabriel about Aziel. It would put him in too much danger, and there was no way for Cam to make him understand. Instead, he said the expected answer.

“Heroin.”

Gabriel’s eyes widened. He hadn’t been expecting anything quite that hard. “Cam,” he said softly.

“I swear,” Cam said severely, putting his hand over Gabriel’s, “I haven’t been. Not for months. I can prove it.” Shakily, his hands went to his jacket and started to undo his buttons. He pulled the coat from his slim body and pulled up the sleeves of his sweater. He showed him the insides of both of his arms, which were clean and free of bruising. Gabriel’s sad eyes appraised the pale flesh.

“Cam,” he said again.

“Gabriel, please, I swear I’m not on it,” Cam pleaded. He grasped Gabriel’s hand, his eyes wet and wide. “Please don’t kick me out of school. You can drug test me. I’ll do whatever you want. But please. I need this. I need to make it. I’m trying so hard, but I’m doing it by myself and it’s so hard-“

“Cam, be quiet for a minute,” Gabriel interrupted. Cam sucked in his last words and bit his lip. “You’re not going to get kicked out of school for this.” Cam breathed a sigh of relief. “But you can’t do this on your own. We have to get you in to see a doctor.”

Cam shook his head violently, recoiling from Gabriel. “No!” he said. It would only leave a footprint for Aziel to find. “No, I can’t! I have to do this on my own.”

Gabriel frowned. “Don’t be stubborn, Cam,” he said. “Heroin is very serious.”

Cam sobered, looking at him with a drawn and haunted look that made Gabriel sit up straighter. “If you knew what I did to get this far, you’d realize how little that statement means to me.” He swallowed thickly. “I need to stay in school. If I can focus on school, I can make it. Please, Gabriel. Just let me do this on my own.”

Gabriel seemed reluctant to comply. Then, at great length, he said, “Do you have a ride home?”

“I take the bus,” Cam said.

“I’ll drive you home today.”

“It’s on the other side of the city,” Cam protested. “You don’t have to.”

Gabriel smiled. “It’s okay. I want to. Besides, I’m interested in getting to know you better… so maybe it’s selfish.”

Cam looked down. “You’d still want to get to know me better after knowing… that?”

Gabriel sighed and stood up. He dusted his hands across his jeans and nodded. “The fact that you’ve come this far, and that you’re doing this on your own… that shows incredible strength of character. I don’t think I could do what you’ve done.” He smiled a little. “We all make mistakes, Cam. What’s important is that we better ourselves after making them, and never make them again.”

Cam smiled up at him, tears spilling over his cheeks. “Thank you.” He had never meant those two words more than he had right then. He didn’t think he’d ever mean them this much ever again.

Gabriel picked up Cam’s bag and threw it over his shoulder, and then picked up his briefcase from beside the desk. “Come on, Cam. I’ll buy you a coffee and take you home. You look like you could use someone to talk to tonight, even if it’s just about the headlines.”

Cam’s smile was small and gentle as he followed Gabriel out of the classroom. His fingers knit together in front of him, and suddenly the Craving wasn’t as bad anymore. He found it strange that someone like this, someone who was almost a perfect stranger, would care for him so much. Was it because he was a student? Cam decided that he didn’t care; he would take it.

They got coffee from a little shop that Gabriel stopped at along the way. Cam directed him to his apartment and let Gabriel inside. It seemed strange to Cam, having his teacher in his house. He liked it. Gabriel’s hand was dusting along the counter top in his kitchen, his slim fingers bent slightly backwards. Gabriel’s dark hair, perfectly groomed, swished over his shoulders. Cam couldn’t help but stare as Gabriel took in the apartment.

“It looks like an old lady lives here,” he said, gesturing to one of the doilies that was still in place on the back of an armchair.

Cam flushed pink. “An old lady did live here before I got here… She moved into a nursing home and left all of her furniture.”

Gabriel smiled. “Lucky you.”

Cam nodded. He held his coffee between his fingers and kicked off his shoes to follow Gabriel into the house. He offered Gabriel the armchair with the inoffensive doily and Gabriel accepted. They sipped their coffees in silence for a moment, comfortable with the other’s company.

“So where did you come from?” Gabriel asked.

“Chicago,” Cam said.

“And what brings you to Minneapolis?” he asked.

“Well,” Cam said, looking down at the plastic lid on his coffee. He could feel the warm wave of the contents against his hand. “It was… the drugs.” He took a sip of his coffee quickly.

“Needed a change of scenery for a change of life?” he asked quietly.

Cam nodded a little, swirling his coffee again. He sat back on the couch, crossing his ankles. He looked over at Gabriel, who was looking very comfortable in the old lady’s armchair. “You could say that,” he said. “There were relationship issues and things too. It hurt a lot to move, I left a lot of people behind. But… I think it’s going to be better here.”

Gabriel smiled at that, showing his white teeth. He settled his coffee on his flat stomach and looked over to the TV stand with the ancient TV that Cam had picked up for $25.

“Gabriel?” Cam asked, his toes curling in his socks as he said his name.

“Yes?” he asked, returning his gaze to Cam.

“Would you like to order in some pizza?” Cam asked. He swallowed thickly, and then hurried on. “I understand if you have to get home, but I just thought since class gets out late and you’re usually hungry because you have to eat supper early to make it to class-“

Gabriel smiled at Cam’s attempt at a cover story. “I’d like that.”

Cam beamed. “Preferences?”

“No pineapple,” he replied, laughing.

“Done and done,” Cam said. “I’ll get the phone.”

Jared awoke with a groan. His head hurt and he didn’t recognize the room that he was in. It was cement and dark, with only one bare bulb above his head. The floor was stained dark. His hands were tied behind his back and his ankles were bound to a chair. There was a small table beside him. The only thing on the table was a small blue roll of fabric. As his eyes became more adjusted to the shadowed shapes outside of the pool of light, he spotted the figure of a man standing over him.

“Who are you!? What do you want!?” Jared shouted eyes wide with fear.

“I’m looking for someone,” a smooth, cool voice said. Jared could just see eyes glittering beyond the pool of light. Like ice chips in the middle of a glacier or stars in a distant, remote galaxy. “And you’re going to tell me where he went.”