Breakdown - 37. 35 Waking Up

Cam woke up wrapped in warm arms. The light was drifting in through the closed Venetian blinds, making small slits of golden yellow that played across his dresser and carpet. Cam watched the motes of dust float in the sunlight from his position against Gabriel’s chest. It was a peaceful morning. Gabriel’s naked body felt good against Cam’s own, and his even breathing told him that Gabriel was still fast asleep.

Cam loved Saturday mornings like this. Gabriel always slept a little later and it gave Cam a moment to reflect on the beauty that evolved in his life. He had never expected to have this: a steady boyfriend and homework waiting for him on the desk. It was like he was living someone else’s life, catapulted there by the tragedy that had followed him for almost a year.

He never expected, on these quiet mornings, to carefully thank what had brought him here.

It was never conscious thanks. He never said the words out loud or even wrote them down in a journal. He just said them quietly, in the back of his mind, where he was sure that no one and whatever God ruled the earth would hear. Sometimes, he didn’t think it was healthy, but he couldn’t rationalize not thanking what had given him the opportunity to be something more than a whore.

There were times he hated the vector of his happiness. There were mornings he woke up in a cold sweat, shuddering, his skin crawling and his eyes dilated for want of something he could never get. On those days, the bad days, he would lay in his bed, holding a pillow to his chest so hard that his sternum hurt. Every wave of the Craving made him feel like he really hadn’t escaped Aziel at all, and he wondered if this was to be the legacy he was left with.

But the Cravings were getting less and less. As Cam occupied himself with his new life, the Cravings fell onto the back burner. As much as his body needed the drug, he didn’t.

On this quiet morning, however, the thank you was circulating in the back of his brain, percolating there like a dinosaur stuck in a tar pit.

Cam’s eyes drifted from the floating motes in the beams of sunlight to the large box that lay just outside Cam’s closet. It was open, the leaves of cardboard pulled back and some of the contents just barely visible. There were a few books, a couple pictures that held pictures of a woman that Cam knew to be Gabriel’s sister. These personal effects were cropping up in Cam’s house now, blossoming like metallic leaves. He found their incursion comforting. They were the stragglers that had waited for the official word from Cam before moving in and claiming their small corners.

Cam closed his eyes a moment, and then turned his head to look up at Gabriel. He could see the angle of his jaw and part of his nose. He looked at it for a long time, studying the curves and sweeps of his structure. Was this the man that he was going to be living with? When he came home, Gabriel would be there, waiting for him?

Cam smiled and parted from Gabriel’s chest to plant a soft kiss on his lips. Gabriel stirred, his brow crinkling in a mix of confusion and discomfort at being woken. When his eyes flickered open, he saw Cam barely an inch away.

“Morning,” he said, his voice a little hoarse with sleep. “I see you’re up early.”

“Early?” Cam asked. “It’s ten-thirty.” He kissed Gabriel’s lips again, and Gabriel smiled, looping one arm around Cam’s waist.

“Fair enough,” Gabriel said through the kisses. “God, your breath is awful this morning.”

Cam laughed. “Yours isn’t fantastic either.”

Gabriel groaned and turned his head away. He stretched under Cam, and Cam watched the play of his muscles as he did so. He brushed his fingers through Gabriel’s soft dark hair.

“Where are my glasses?” Gabriel asked, looking towards the night stand.

“How bad are your eyes anyway?” Cam asked, leaning over to fetch the man’s glasses. He slipped the glasses on for him, missing his ear on the left side. Gabriel grunted and corrected it, blinking a few times up at Cam.

“Bad enough,” he said. “I’m not blind without them, but I like seeing clearly.”

“Can you see me if I’m this close?” Cam said, sticking his face right in Gabriel’s. Gabriel laughed and pushed Cam off of him.

“Yes, knothead,” he replied.

“Knothead?” Cam asked, bewildered as he was pushed away. “What’s a knothead? I think I heard my grandpa use that phrase once…”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and sat up, swinging his legs out of bed. “How about we brush our teeth and have some breakfast, huh? You bought some eggs, didn’t you?”

He nodded, moving up behind Gabriel to wrap his arms around his shoulders and press into him from behind. Gabriel leaned back into him with a sigh, putting his hand over Cam’s forearm. Cam rested his chin on Gabriel’s head.

“Are you okay this morning?” Gabriel asked, his voice dropping a little with concern.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“No…?” he asked, letting the question hang in the air.

Cam shook his head, letting his fingers run through Gabriel’s hair. Gabriel squeezed his arm in response.

“Good.”

“Gabriel?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

Gabriel smiled a little and glanced over his shoulder at Cam’s severe, serious expression. “Anytime.”

Cam smiled and hugged him more tightly.

“You’re not letting me out of bed this morning, are you?” he asked.

“No,” Cam said, pulling him backwards. “I want you. I’ve been wanting you since I woke up.”

“You didn’t wake me?” Gabriel asked, allowing himself to be pulled back into the sheets. His feet were still on the floor.

“You’re always grumpy when I wake you up,” Cam said, slipping around so that he could loom over Gabriel. “Besides, I like watching you sleep.”

Gabriel lifted his hands, cupping Cam’s face. “If you weren’t so cute, that would be kind of creepy,” he said with a smile.

Cam laughed, and reached down to touch Gabriel’s flesh between his legs. Gabriel dropped his hands a little, closing his eyes. Cam watched his expression intently, lips parting with interest. Gabriel’s hands slid down to press and squeeze against his shoulders. Cam leaned down and lightly kissed his cheek, minding the fact that his breath was horrible this morning. He kissed over Gabriel’s ear and then his neck, his fingers coiling around Gabriel’s hardening length

“I want this in me,” Cam whispered. Gabriel moaned a little, his toes curling on the carpet. Cam leaned over and took out the tube of lubricant (which they hadn’t put away from the other night) and squeezed some out onto his hand. He made a show of squishing it between his fingers before lightly touching Gabriel’s member.

Gabriel moaned loudly, gasping and closing his eyes tightly as Cam coated the whole of his length. Cam was eager this morning. After he had finished coating the other’s member, he removed his fingers and ran them between his own legs, pressing at his opening.

Gabriel’s hands moved to touch Cam’s groin as Cam started to finger himself, kneeling over Gabriel. Gabriel’s eyes flowed over Cam’s body, not daring to miss anything. He brushed his thumb over Cam’s tip, and Cam leaned forward a little, bracing himself with one hand in the bedding over Gabriel’s shoulder.

Slowly, Cam fingered himself, moaning. Gabriel brushed his hands over his cock, stroking it and fondling his balls. Cam shivered, biting his lip.

“I need you in me,” he whispered.

Gabriel swallowed audibly, nodding a little. His hands shifted to Cam’s hips and tugged lightly. “I want you on me,” he whispered. He gripped the base of his own member, standing it up to full height. Cam smiled, removing his fingers from himself with a sort of wince and then taking up Gabriel’s tip in his fingers.

“I want you to make love to me,” Cam whispered.

Gabriel nodded, looking up at Cam with severity.

“I love you,” Cam whispered.

Gabriel’s chest hitched a little, and he smiled. “I love you too.”

Cam’s heart fluttered in his chest. His body felt like it was on fire. He felt his skin prickling in anticipation. How could the thought of this make him loose so much control? It was like he was back in high school again.

Slowly, Cam lowered himself down onto his lover’s shaft. He felt the tip press against him, and then slid in. There was a moment of pain and discomfort, but it was quickly dispelled by the pleasure as Cam sunk lower on to him. Gabriel hissed in pleasure, his body shifting as Cam pressed down on to him.

It felt so good to have him inside of him. Cam straightened up, pressing his hands against Gabriel’s stomach. His own member jutted out from between his wrists, a bead of pre-cum on the tip. He gasped lightly as he felt Gabriel’s hardness pulse inside of him. He looked down on Gabriel’s face; his lips parted and sweat already starting to form on his brow.

Cameron had never felt freer in his life.

Biting his lip in pleasure, Cam pushed on Gabriel’s stomach and started to move atop of him. He pulled his body up and down, moaning with each thrust into his body. Gabriel allowed Cam to set the rhythm, and then carefully joined him, his fingers flexing on Cam’s hips.

Cam moaned and leaned forward over Gabriel’s body. Gabriel shifted his grip from his hips to his jutting member, rubbing his fingers over the swollen, heated flesh. Cam moaned loudly, moving his hips against Gabriel’s. It felt so good to have him inside, touching all the parts of him that made his nerves sing.

“Gabriel,” he gasped, “Gabriel, make me come for you.”

Gabriel moaned at Cam’s words, spurred on. He thrust up into him quickly, pushing him down against him. Cam let out a soft cry with each stronger thrust, losing himself in the heat of the moment and the musky scent of sex between their bodies.

“Cam,” Gabriel whispered, knotting one hand in Cam’s blonde hair. The other pumped at Cam’s member, squeezing him. “I’m going to come in you!”

Cam moaned at the words, feeling the other shudder and release in him. Gabriel’s tightening hand and the hard, broken thrust of his lover inside of him was more than enough to send him spilling over the edge.

Cam cried out brokenly into the crook of Gabriel’s neck. He loved the way the other felt, hot and heavy inside of him. The pool of his pleasure burst forth, splattering heavily between them. Each spurt ripped a shudder up Cam’s spine, and he lost his voice and his breath for what seemed like an eternity.

In the aftermath of his climax, Cam could barely find breath. He clung to Gabriel, his arms shaking slightly.

“I love you,” Gabriel whispered into Cam’s hair, the sweat of their bodies mixing. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Cam said, curling his arms around Gabriel’s neck. He lay atop him, chest to chest, feeling the other’s heart beat in time with his own.

In this moment, crystalline and perfect, everything was worth it. The pain, the fear, the death, and the unknown. Everything that Aziel had done was worth this one, peaceful moment that he could share with the love of his life.

Was it wrong that he felt guilt at that?

Tears slipped from Cam’s eyes, but he didn’t let Gabriel see him. Gabriel had seen enough of his tears to last a lifetime, and even tears of happiness weren’t enough to buy back the suffering he had thrust on Gabriel.

There it was again, that quiet, annoying voice in the dark part of his mind, where no one else would ever hear it.

Thank you, Aziel.