The Last Out - 18. Chapter 18

This was it, this was the last time that all of us would be in one building together, and would probably be the last time that I saw most of these people in my life. I was going to go on and do better for myself, and I wasn’t afraid of what the future had planned for me. I was happy with how things were, but I was also terrified of leaving even though I knew it would work out in the end.

It was graduation day, and I was waiting at home with Alex. Alex wouldn’t be going up on stage with me, of course, but that didn’t matter because he would be in the crowd with dad and everyone else who’s come to wish the graduating class well. Right now we were just relaxing, both in some casual clothes that we both knew better than to think we could get away with wearing once we headed to the ceremony.

Everything seemed to be falling into place. After prom, there were a few days where school was really tense, I guess the rest of the school thought Parker would finally take another shot at me, but considering how the last fight, actually ended up, I guess he thought better. Or he realized that Principal Barrett was as likely to stop watching all of our actions as she was likely to put us all on the honour roll. Either way, the badgering and comments about Alex and myself stopped, and I was able to go through the last couple weeks of school worrying about regular teenage things like marks and whether I’d actually get into college instead of worrying about who was going to try and beat the shit out of me today.

I looked over to my desk, where two envelopes lay unopened. The first one was from the University of Washington, and the other one was from Whitman College. Just by looking at them I couldn’t tell whether they were acceptance or rejection letters, and I wasn’t totally sure which one I wanted to go to yet. I visited both campuses of course, and I did like it at both, but there were lots of things for me to consider before I picked either one.

Whitman College would be a lot closer, but it would be way more expensive for tuition because it’s a private school. It also had a bit of a weaker program because it’s only a division three school, but that also meant that it was more likely that I’d get put on the team. It was also a lot closer to home, so I could come visit Alex and dad more often, as well as try to commute to school if I really thought it would work out that way.

The University of Washington would definitely be the better school for my academics, it’s school known all over America and it has a great reputation for its academics and athletics. I don’t know if I’d even make the team though, since they’re a division one team and I’d have to compete with that many more players at the tryouts. It was also pretty far away, completely across the state from where I lived, so visiting back and forth was definitely not going to be happening, probably not even for the holidays unless I get lots of help financing things and getting loans for myself. I didn’t think I would be eligible for any scholarships at either school, but there was probably some kind of funding available that I could get, I’d have to ask Alex for it once I knew for sure where I was going.

I glanced over at Alex, who was laying on the bed next to me, curled up into a little ball with his eyes closed. He looked incredibly small and young when he was scrunched up like this, but he also looked really cute, and I hated that I was going to have to wake him up in a couple minutes in order to get the stress of my college choice out of the way. This was going to be a tough decision to make, and I’m glad that Alex has been here to help me through everything I’ve had to do so far.

I sat up and crawled over to where he was laying and gently shook him by the shoulder. As his eyes fluttered open I started to rub his back and help bring him back into the waking world. I very quietly cooed in his ear;

“Hey buddy, time to get up. We have to get ready to go to graduation soon, and there’s one last thing we have to do before we go, remember?”

Alex started to struggle into wakefulness while I gingerly stepped off the bed to let him stretch out. I walked over to my desk and picked up both of the envelopes, trying to see if I could figure out what they were just by feeling them and looking at them in the light. The only thing it did was make me more nervous about what was inside, and dazing me a bit by looking right at the light when I took the envelopes out of the light. While Alex was getting himself sorted out, I walked out of the room and went to go see my dad in the living room. I wanted to make sure that he would be in the room with me as well when I finally opened these letters.

“Dad, its time. Alex is just getting up, and I think I’m ready to finally open these letters and figure things out. Come in to my room, or do you want me to bring everything out here?” I asked, actually not being sure where I wanted to do this.

“Bring everything out here, I’m already settled and there’s not going to be enough room for all three of us in there, I’ll make sure you’ve got something to sit on.”

When I got back to my room, Alex was sitting on the bed and was back to being fully dressed. He also made sure that he got himself all fixed up and that he looked presentable, even though we were showering and changing soon enough anyways. We both took one look at each other, and then walked out into the living room to see what the future was going to hold for me.

I was holding one envelope in each hand, in my left was the letter from the University of Washington, and my right hand held the letter from Whitman College. Once the three of us were in the living room and seated on different pieces of furniture, I took the letter from my right hand, set it down on the arm of my chair and looked over the letter from Washington University.

I took a deep breath and looked at dad and Alex. They were both smiling expectantly at me, and I could feel that they were there to support me no matter what the letter said. I ripped open the envelope and saw that there was a single piece of paper inside. I took the paper out, unfolded it and read the first thing I saw at the top of the page.

‘Dear Mr. Williams;

We regret to inform you that you have not been accepted to the University of Washington. There were a number of strong candidates for admission this year…’

I couldn’t read anymore. My eyes were glazing over and I clenched my fists with the letter in my hand, crumpling the paper and letting it fall to the floor. Dad and Alex were both looking at me expectantly, as though they weren’t entirely sure what my response meant.

I spoke at them without even looking up, keeping my voice barely above a whisper.

“I didn’t get in. That was the University of Washington and I didn’t make it.”

I looked up and could see that they were both disappointed for me, but not necessarily disappointed in me for this. It just was what it was I guess, and there was still the other envelope… I don’t think I could do it a second time and force myself to read another rejection letter.

I walked over to my dad and handed him the letter. I withdrew my hand and walked back to my chair before he could respond, and tried to wordlessly communicate that I couldn’t do it, I needed him to open the letter for me and let me know what my future was going to be, whether I was going to be a college boy or whether I’d be stuck in a hellhole where so many people hated me and actively tried to hurt me.

I looked at him as he slowly opened the envelope, barely daring to breathe. It felt like this was taking forever, and I couldn’t imagine why it would feel like time was slowing to an absolute stand still. The moments seemed to last forever, and then dad finally took out the letter and read what it had to say.

“Dear Mr. Williams:

Thank you for applying to Whitman College. Your application was received and reviewed by our admissions committee, and after serious consideration, we have decided to make you an offer of admission to our Sports Studies, Recreation and Athletics program. A second letter will be sent to you outlining your requirements for the first term once you accept your admission online or through responding mail.”

The world seemed to stop right there. It did for me anyway. Dad was smiling and Alex completely lost his mind and started hugging me right in front of dad like we were just in my room alone, but I was frozen in place. I couldn’t believe it; I got in. I was going to be going to college, making something of myself that I could be proud of and would live up to what I think I should be.

This was what I wanted, and I knew that I deserved to be going, but this was such a big, unexpected change that I didn’t know what to think or do right now. I was going to go to a private school to learn how to be a fitness trainer, or whatever else I thought I wanted to be in the field of athletics. I was excited to be going, but I had no idea how it was going to work or how we’d pay for it or even where I’d live. There was so much I had to get figured out and only a couple months left to do it, and that was going to be a huge source of stress for me. How do people breathe when they find out they’re going to college? How on earth does anyone read the news or have it read to them and jump up and down like it’s a million dollars when everything still needs to be figured out and there’s so much up in the air?

I guess dad finally noticed that I seemed to have lapsed into a waking coma or something, because he got all concerned and looked at me like he was going to ask how I was doing. I saw him coming and waved him off with a small smile and a nod. Whatever else happens, dad will be there for me and we’ll get through it, the same way we’ve gotten through everything else together ever since mom died.

I looked over at Alex as well, and I could see how proud he was of me that I was going to be fulfilling my dreams. I couldn’t help but smile too, Whitman was close enough that I would be able to visit, so who knows what would happen once I got there or after I started my studies.

I decided that all those were things I could deal with tomorrow. Today was a day to celebrate, not just my graduation but the fact that there still was another path that I was going to be following over the next four years. I didn’t know what would really be happening, but it was going to be better than the last few months here, and that was good enough for now. I had my family, my friends and Alex, and even though they wouldn’t be coming with me to Whitman, they’d still be close by.

I smiled at Alex and took him up to my room. It was time to change and get ready. I had a bounce in my step that had been missing for the last little while, and it was nice that I could notice the difference and see how much this changed everything in my life. It was time to get ready, and for once I didn’t want to be late to a school function.

The bright lights of the school gym always seemed harsh to me, but tonight they were dimmed down, proving to me that they are actually capable of being something other than blinding balls of death hovering above us. Tonight they were dimmed, softening everything around them and creating an orange glow around my fellow graduates.

We were seated in alphabetical order, which meant I was going to be waiting awhile to get called up, but it also meant that Parker and Annabelle were far enough away that they weren’t going to start any trouble tonight. I didn’t have to worry anyway, both of them were completely lost in the moment like everyone else, and they weren’t going to spoil their own nights just to make me miserable tonight. For once, everyone was just happy for each other and it was amazing to see what we could all be like if we stopped acting like children.

I guess that’s the thing now too, we’re not children anymore, we’re going to be adults now, and while some of us are still going to be students, it’ll be at a college and not a high school anymore. We’re going to have to grow up and face things head on instead of letting things be resolved by childish antics, and I think as we all put on our caps and gowns, we started to realize that.

We were a small school and had a small graduating class, but the ceremony lasted a long time. Each graduate was called up individually to receive their award, and Principal Barrett would say a few things about us that would highlight the things that she remembered about us during our high school career. It was a touching thing for her to do, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t something bigger schools did.

There were a couple of intermissions in which the school band would play something that was meant to make us all tear up, and I found that I didn’t really have to listen much in order to start getting all reflective and stuff. This was the last time I’d be here, it was natural that I’d want to think about all the time I spent in this school over the last five years, right? It wasn’t all bad, even though I wish parts of the last few months hadn’t happened, overall it was one of those places that you just went to, and there were going to be some memories that I wouldn’t be forgetting anytime soon.

Eventually my name was called, and I anxiously started climbing up the steps and onto the stage to receive my diploma from Principal Barrett. It was tradition that while she spoke about you, you had to stand up on stage and be the centre of attention. I had no idea what she was going to say, and to be honest I was terrified about what was going to happen, or what she was going to say and how everyone would react.

As I stood there, I knew without a doubt in my mind that everyone in the room knew me. Or at least they thought they did. They knew what their children had told them or what other students had told them, and it was all a caricature of what the rumours exploded and of course the maliciousness of some of my classmates. I knew that there were some people there who were looking at me without kindness, and that they were not going to change their views no matter what Principal Barrett said.

She took to the podium and I could see that she had a cue card with her, something I hadn’t seen her do with any of the other graduates that she had met on stage so far tonight. I knew there were only a couple other kids after me, so maybe this was just for the next part of the ceremony, but then she began her stroll through her own memories of me.

“Five years ago, Devin Williams came to this school as part of the graduating class you see before you today. He was a young man that, like most teenagers, had the potential to grow into an upstanding citizen, but he didn’t know who he was or what he was supposed to do in this world. He was lost, and because of that he blended into his surroundings. He was someone that tried hard to be missed, and until recently that’s what he was, the boy who played sports and did everything that a young man should, and so he escaped our notice.”

Principal Barrett looked me in the eye before turning her attention back onto the crowd.

“Many of you will know the rumours and the surrounding controversy around Mr. Williams, and most of you will have come to your own conclusions no matter what the official reports state. The events of the last few months, which no one need recount tonight, have changed Devin for the better. He may not realize it, but he has grown more in these last few months than he did in the four years before this year began. Devin has faced greater adversity than most of us have, and those experiences have taught him about who he is. The person on stage here is not the same scared, uncertain teenager he was when he first got here. He isn’t there yet, but he’s finally learning who he is and where he should be in this world. Whatever you think of who he is as a person, he deserves your respect for coming to terms with the truth of his life experiences and not shying away from how it would affect his life.”

“Mr. Williams, you’ve grown so much and matured so much. I do not know what the future holds for you, but I look forward to watching you on your journey. Good luck, and congratulations on your graduation.”

People in the crowd were muttering, it had been a much longer statement for me than it had been for anyone else in the graduating class, and to be honest it was quite different from the vague platitudes and funny anecdotes she had for most students. Principal Barrett stood down from the podium with my diploma in her hand. She shook my hand first, and then handed me my diploma before I could start heading off the stage.

I returned to my seat, and listened to the last couple of names be read up and the stories that were told. The end of the ceremony was a blur to me, I was too lost in my own thoughts of what Principal Barrett said about me, and about where I would be going. She didn’t know I was going to college or the other thoughts in my head, but I knew she was talking about more than just my future education when she spoke about learning who I was. She was, in her own way, encouraging me to keep exploring what it means to be in a relationship with a boy, and to see that it could be better for people like me in bigger places, I just had to go be there and reach for those dreams.

Alex, dad and I returned home. It was exhausting, and I wanted to sleep. Alex wanted to talk, but I couldn’t do anything anymore, everything was numb and it was finally starting to sink in that I was going to graduate and go to college.

I calmed Alex down enough to let him know that we would talk more about it in the morning. I had a feeling that tomorrow morning there would be a lot of different things to talk about. School, graduation, what we would do about us, what would happen when I left and he stayed behind. These were all things that were racing through my mind, but I knew that they were a discussion for tomorrow.

I didn’t know what tomorrow or September would bring, but tonight, that was okay. Tonight I went to sleep holding onto Alex, and I decided to let the future figure itself out.