A to Z - 66. Chapter 66 Us

How is 'married' supposed to feel?

In the two whirlwind weeks since you proposed, I kept wondering. Would being married feel different? Would marriage change the love we shared? Would it become more brittle, or get tarnished some way? Would being married move us up in the world in some unexplained way, like moving up from JV to Varsity? Would I suddenly feel older, more responsible, more adult? How would it feel?

I didn't feel any of those things. It felt like rest. It felt like fullness. Like creation being all finished – and good. You were the part of me that I'd been missing. Now we were together. Now we were whole. It felt so very good.

In the night, I woke up briefly – strange place, strange bed – and I felt disoriented, out of place. But then I felt you there, beside me, under me, part of me; solid, warm, breathing life into me where I'd had none before. And suddenly this strange place was made familiar because you were present. I realized no place or situation would be alien to me as long as we were together.

I shifted a little, held you closer, nuzzled your skin. You might have murmured. I closed my eyes again, and smiled to myself. If this was what 'married' felt like, I never wanted dawn to come.

Entry for April 1, Saturday, continued…..

It was full daylight when I woke. Tousled black hair and a smooth cheek took up my field of vision. The fire had gone out in the night, and the room felt chilly. But in the bed, under the covers, it was plenty warm.

Zander slept, still snuggled up against me. It had really happened. I was here, in bed with the boy I loved; we were promised to each other. We were married. Fantastic. I nearly pinched myself to see if I was dreaming. Instead, I watched Zander, breathing steadily, his lovely face at rest. Perfect. My heart swelled.

How far things have come. My father gone, my mom dead, and my lonely, loveless, miserable old life vanished like a morning's mist. In my arms slept my new family, my Zander. With him, I know contentment and happiness and joy – all unimaginable to me a year ago. I hope I can make Zander know all those things, too, for as long as he'll have me. Forever, I hope.

I couldn’t help placing a small, delicate kiss on the tip of his nose.

Zander's breathing changed, and his eyes fluttered open. Eyes so deep and lovely, I could look into them forever and never find the bottom. He smiled at me, a warm, contented sleepy smile. Adorable. "Hey, A."

I leaned in to kiss him again. "Morning, Z."

"Feels so good, right now," he said, snuggling closer, arms enfolding me, burrowing his head into my shoulder.

Who was I to argue?

I felt Zander slowly kissing his way up my neck. "Unbelievable," he whispered into my ear. "You have no idea how perfect this is," he murmured.

"I can guess," I chuckled.

Zander's embrace tightened. "I'm serious," he said, punctuating his words with kisses to my face and lips, "I'll remember this morning for the rest of my life."

I pulled away a little so I could look at his face. "Good. I know I'm gonna remember."

I kissed him again. And it was perfect, just as he said, all unhurried, all sleep-warm skin on skin, and nothing to think about but that single, pure moment.

We broke the kiss and held each other nose to nose. "I'm not kidding," Zander murmured. "This is incredible. I never thought it could happen."

"You never thought...?"

"Andy, I…when I finally decided…when I really admitted to myself that I was gay…" Zander hesitated. This was hard for him. "I turned on myself. I told myself that there was something wrong with me, something broken, something sick that couldn't be cured. I couldn't imagine that anyone would ever want to…could ever love me. I couldn't…live with the me I knew I was."

I held Zander tighter. I knew what he was talking about. I went so long thinking I deserved to be unloved. Zander had broken that; changed the way I thought completely. But how could anyone not love him?

"I broke up with Alyssa and pushed away a lot of people," Zander went on. "I'm amazed Terry and Kaz stuck with me. I pasted on a fake smile for them, but I was a sad, sad little boy inside."

I nodded slightly. I didn’t want to break the contact.

"I avoided people, pretty much going on autopilot every day. I figured either the feelings would go away, or I'd just turn into a hermit. I was pretty much numb, you know? That I made it through the summer was a miracle."

I smiled at that. I'm getting to be a believer in miracles.

"And then, there you were: in the park, in school, in town…just little glimpses, tiny peeks at the most beautiful boy I’d ever seen. Something about you just drew me in. I just had to know you."

I blushed. "I was scared of you," I blurted out.

"Scared? Of me?" Zander asked perplexed.

"Yeah. I had a shitty track record with boys – with everyone, really – but especially with good-looking guys like you. I thought you’d be like them, like the guys back in Carlsberg, who used me like a football to kick around, or a toy they could break." Did I sound bitter?

"You really thought I'd do that to you?"

"I thought it could happen," I admitted.

"I looked for you," Zander said after a moment, "all over school, all over town. I thought it was crazy that the only time I ever saw you was at lunch or ducking out of the way down the hall. And then I saw you with that lawnmower – did you know I thought you lived at Mrs. McDowell's for the longest time? I must have gone running past that house with Kaz a million times."

"The look on your face when you saw me in the back of Trig was so funny," I chuckled at the memory.

"You surprised the hell out of me, Andy. There you were, the beautiful mystery kid, sitting in my class, and I'd never noticed," Zander laughed. "And you never stopped surprising me, you know that, right?"

He kissed me again, gently.

"And then, when I finally got to know your name, when I got to see you every day, you were still so adorably shy. I thought if I could be even a little close to you, I’d be happy. But this," Zander whispered, brushing his lips over mine, "this is like my wildest fantasy."

"Really," I breathed, "and what are your fantasies like?"

Zander smiled wickedly. I learned pretty quickly.

They involved covering my body with his hot kisses, taking me deep into his mouth, and then, incredibly, straddling my hips as my cock pointed straight to heaven.

I watched, fascinated, as Zander lowered himself onto me, his hand reaching behind himself to hold my slicked rod in place. I'm thicker than Zander, and I could feel my tip pressing up against his well lubed entrance.

Zander bit his lip in concentration as he rocked back and forth, trying to work me into himself; I slowly jacked his flushed red member that jutted out in front of him, trying to distract Zander from the discomfort. I'd been there last night.

I felt him slowly give way, lodging me firmly in his ring.

"Oh!" he spoke several notes higher than usual.

Zander's mouth hung open, breathing hard, chest heaving, eyes half shut. He crouched, staying very, very still as his body got used to the idea of allowing me inside. I could feel his pulse, his body searingly hot, unbelievably tight. I had to fight the urge to push up into him, it felt so good.

But I didn't want to hurt him, either. Zander showed me how to be gentle last night.

"Z, relax, take your time," I soothed, stroking his flanks and abdomen.

He smiled at me, blinked his eyes shut, and then took a long deep breath. And then he let himself go and slid down my pole in one smooth motion that took my breath away.

Zander's eyes flew open as he gasped at the sudden invasion, emitting a tight little cry.

Shit, I'd hurt him. I hated that idea. "Z, you okay?" I breathed. Stupid question. Of course he wasn't.

"Uh…huh…," Zander nodded, unable to catch his breath. "Feels…so…full…you're fucking…huge…," he panted.

I'd have argued if I could. I'm not that big. But just then, enveloped in Zander's tight, exquisite warmth, my own desire straining to drive deep, deep into him, well, I couldn’t quite form the words. It was torture just to hold still, rooted inside him, waiting for Zander's death grip on me to relax a little. And it did, in time. When Zander finally lifted himself experimentally, sliding me out, out, the delectable sensation set off pleasure alarms in every nerve I possessed.

When he slipped back down my shaft, Zander groaned, face blissfully transported to another dimension. His cock stood out at attention, leaking, drooling, as he hit bottom. "Ooooh…. My…god…that's so good."

I think I must have brushed over that spot inside him, the one I knew would overwhelm his senses with ecstasy.

Zander leaned over me, kissing me gently. "I love you, Andy. I love this, and I never, ever want to stop," he breathed into my mouth.

For answer, I wrapped my arms around his neck and thrust up into him a little, just enough to replant myself in him completely.

He rewarded me with a long, drawn out hum of delight.

We rocked back and forth like that, each movement eliciting a little cry from my lover – no pain, only joy: "Oh. Oh. Ohhh."

I'm learning that Zander is a vocal lover. When we've messed around, he's murmured to me almost continuously, caressed me with whispered words of care and affection. Now, alone in the cabin with nobody else to hear, he could let go.

He sat up again, palms resting on my chest, thumbs idly stroking my nipples, his glazing eyes partly closed, shoulders rising and falling as he rode me. "Fuck, oh, oh, Andy, fuck, oh…"

That I could give him this, that our joining could delight him so, thrilled me, amplifying the incredible pleasure his body gave mine. I was creeping closer and closer to the edge.

Zander shifted on me a little subtly, changing his position on my hips. I know I must have hit his sweet spot hard then, because his body shuddered, and his voice rose another half octave. His swollen rod dripped a puddle onto my abdomen.

Zander's head tipped back, and his back arched; his vocalizations less intelligible now. My fingers found their way up his sides and chest, caressing and teasing. His skin was flushed. I sensed Zander wasn't far off now, either. Somehow, my hand wrapped itself around his hot, swollen dick. I'd never felt so powerful, so important to anyone in my life.

Another hard thrust into Zander, and he tipped back over onto me. I couldn't help it. I drove myself into him again and again, deep and deeper. "Ahh, Ahhhhh, Ahhhhh," each of his moans inflected upward, as if Zander were trying to ask a question he couldn't quite express.

I felt the seismic surge start somewhere deep inside and travel up my shaft. A deep groan sounded in my throat as I erupted inside my lover. Another deep, pulsing thrust, and I felt Zander's ass clamp down on me, hard. "Andeeeeeeee," he wailed, exploding between us, his face rocking against my neck. His ring milked me thoroughly as he spattered my chest.

My God, what a fantasy. I think we'll have to play out all of Zander's desires. What a good thing we have years to do that.

We lay like that for a while, fused, whole, one; spent and delighted. An excellent start for our first morning in happily ever after.

Eventually, we roused ourselves to get out of bed. It really was chilly after we cooled off, and the fire needed to be revived. We did our best at cleaning up – we'd been kind of messy. We got a surprise when we checked out our bags to see if we had any clean clothes. Someone – I had a guess as to who - had left several lacy, frilly sets of underwear in Zander's suitcase. I found the same in my backpack. Plenty of normal clothes, but no real underwear.

Zander's eyes narrowed, and a short bark of laughter sounded from his lips. "Frank. It's gotta be Frank. Shit. I'm gonna get him for this."

I held up a violently green, delicate silky nothing. "I don't think I'm going to fit into this," I said.

"Screw it," returned Zander, "we can go commando."

"Ouch. Scratchy."

"No, silly," said Zander stepping up to me, still very naked, "sexy. Verrry sexy." I was treated to one of his best kisses.

I stopped thinking about anything for a while.

There was breakfast – we cooked pancakes and eggs and bacon together – but we ate pretty close to lunchtime. The day outside looked kind of grey through the bare trees, but there was no rain. There seemed to be a promise of blue sky to the west. We decided to get outside for a little while. Zander and I were both a little sore from our earlier exercise, but the stretch and the crisp, cool air – and the subtle quiet – did me a lot of good. Even though going commando was scratchy, as I predicted. Okay, and it was sexy, too.

I think I need to be outdoors at least part of every day. Is that a product of last summer? Of running every morning? I don't know.

We held hands as we strolled down the dirt track away from the cabin. The rough track sloped away before us.

"Zander? I have a confession to make," I told him. I was a little embarrassed about this. "I didn't get you a wedding present."

I felt him squeeze my hand. He turned his face to me with a smirk. "Well, I got you something."

Zander must have seen my face fall. "Oh hell, Andy, don't be sad about it. You've made me happier than I ever thought I could be. And besides, you bought us rings," he added, showing off his own.

I reflected. He was probably right. "So what did you get?"

"You'll see when we get home. I had to go pick it up the day of the track meet."

Damn, he was going to be mysterious about it. Well, that was all right. I’d been mysterious about getting rings and my plan to propose. I smiled. Zander had already given me everything I wanted.

The sky cleared, and the sun came out, warming us. Our walk took us out to the road and down to the river. We never let go of each other the whole time, even when a couple of cars drove by. I'm never letting go of Zander. Never.

We talked a little, joked some more, threw stones into the water nearby. I pointed out things I had discovered from my previous trips down that road. This was peace and contentment. Really pretty simple.

Later, as we ambled along, hand in hand, silent for the time being, I reflected on what our life might be. I know that there's going to be a lot to sort out sometime this year. There's the house in Carlsberg that Garrett says is mine to deal with. If my opinion counts for anything, that house of horrors can be burned to the ground. I don't care what happens to it. And then there's a chance I'll have to go and testify against Uncle Ray. Neither Ambrose nor Garrett have said anything about testifying, but I know it could happen. I don't want to do that either, but I'd actually rather face Uncle Ray and send him to jail than go back to that damn house. But one thing I know for certain is that the family will support us – Zander and me – no matter what we have to do.

Because it's us now, not just me.

I have no idea what we'll do, or where we'll be years from now. What makes me happy is the idea that Zander and I will always be together. It makes me think the future is going to be a lot sunnier than my past. With Zander at my side, I'm not going to be ashamed of my life or apologize for who I am. I'm not going to have to hide or run ever again. We'll get to discover our real life, whatever it's going to be – together.

That resolve made me smile and stand a little straighter. I squeezed Zander's hand a little tighter.

"What?" he said, curiously.

I met his eyes. "Come on," I said, turning. "Let's go home."

When we got back to the cabin, Zander added more wood to the fire and soon the room was bathed in summerlike heat. I pawed in my backpack for my journal.

Zander started undressing.

He wanted more? I felt my gut stirring again.

"Get naked," he grinned at me.

Willingly, I complied, tossing the journal onto the bed.

We embraced, and I felt the thrill of Zander's touch all over me as we kissed. I know that Marriage isn’t all about sex – Dr. O'Shea spent a long time talking with us about that – but for today, I wasn't going to worry about that too much.

We pulled apart, and I was getting kind of semi hard. Zander looked at me with a sly grin.

"Go lie down," he gestured to the bed.

Puzzled, I stepped over to it and reclined.

Zander grabbed a chair and pulled out his sketchpad. Now, I understood. "Did you only marry me so you could have a model?" I whined.

"I married the best looking model in the world," he answered.

Zander has been lost in drawing me for the past, I don't know, two hours or so. He had me turn over, facing away from him, awhile back, while he added more wood to the fire. No matter, he's let me write and write and write while he draws and sketches and fusses with his pencils.

Knowing that I'm completely exposed to my lover, utterly naked to my husband, as he stares at me, concentrating on how to capture the shadow of my shoulder blades, or the curve of my spine, or on the crease in my buttocks, has got me strangely excited. I've been doing a slow sexual burn for the last half hour as the sun has dipped low through the trees.

I hope Zander finishes soon. I want him inside me again.