Chapter 2 – A Light in My Life

After James left, I began watching a lot of YouTube videos by gay teenagers who talked about coming out. Some said it was hard. Most said it was the right thing to do. Many had support in their community and some didn’t. But it all came down to being true to who you are and not living a lie. I didn’t want to live a lie and decided I should be true to myself and brave enough to come out and tell everyone I’m gay. Yes, my name is Will W and I am gay. Ah, if it was only that simple.

I hoped that by coming out, other boys would come out, we could meet, and maybe do some of the things James and I did. But none of that happened. Gary and Jason were my two best friends at the time. We’d been best friends since elementary school, but the day I told them I was gay, our friendship ended. They didn’t pick on me or push me around. They just ignored me. My parents are very religious and I expected they’d find it hard to accept, but knew they loved me and weren’t going to kick me out of the house. What they did do was almost as bad. They treated me as if I was renting a room in the house. They only talked to me when they had to. By dad took my college fund and bought a new pickup.

School became intolerable. I had no friends. My old friends ignored me, and not one kid came up to me to tell me he was gay. I was isolated in the middle of 250 students, half of them guys. Not one of them talked to me except if they had to in class, and then it was with a bit of disgust in their voices. There I was Will W sitting in the second row, four seats back, with students all around me. It was like sitting the middle of the football field on Sunday. The teachers tolerated me because they had to, but often ignored the under the breath remarks made by the students sitting around me.

It was like I didn’t exist. Instead of being known as Will Waters, I came to be known as The Gay Guy or The Gay Kid. In PE, all the guys looked at me like I was going to rape or molest them with my eyes. The real homophobes beat me up when no one was looking. Everyday someone or some group pushed me into the lockers and called me a fag. My only refuge was the classroom where I did the one thing I could do, which was to study and get good grades.

The hardest part was being ignored by kids I’d gone to elementary school with. They’d known me all those year and now I was just The Gay Kid. I’d expected the teachers to grade me lower, but they didn’t, either because they were more tolerant than my fellow students or they were too afraid of a law suit. Who knew?

We read Man without a Country when I was in elementary school and that’s the way I felt. I was a boy without friends, without respect, without anyone to talk to, without anyone. Well, that’s not quite true. There was one girl. Her name was Jennifer. I’ll never forget the day. I was sitting by myself as usual at a small table in the cafeteria on a Thursday when this girl sat down across from me. She stuck her out hand. “My name’s Jennifer.”

I thought she must have sat there by mistake so just looked up and said, “Hi.”

“Is that all I’m going to get is a ‘hi’? Like I said, my name’s Jennifer. What’s yours?”

“You know my name.”

“No. I went to a different elementary school than you and I’m only a freshman. I see you sitting here all the time by yourself so thought I’d join you. You look sad and lonely. So what’s your name?”

“Haven’t you heard? Everyone calls me The Gay Kid.”

She didn’t leave. “Oh, that’s you? I didn’t know that.”

“If you had, I suppose you would have sat somewhere else.”

“No I wouldn’t. And I don’t care if you’re gay.”

“You’re the only one.”

“Good, then we can be friends.”

I didn’t want to admit it then, but she was like ice on a hot summer’s day. “Are you sure? People will talk. My old friends act like they never knew me. They don’t pick on me or anything, but they stand by and watch when guys beat me up or push me into the lockers. It makes me wonder if they ever were my friends.”

“Hey, we’re in high school. What did you expect?”

I shrugged. “I guess I expected them to stand by me and support me. My parents barely tolerate me. My uncle, my dad’s brother, is cool, but he never talks to me about being gay. It’s like I never came out. I can live with that. At least he treats me like he loves me.”

She smiled. “Well, this is a pretty religious and conservative community. Everyone probably figures you’re going to hell.”

“You’re right there.”

“You mean about going to hell.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I think God loves all of us. I pray a lot and it’s gotten so that it’s the only thing that’s carried me through. I’ve thought about killing myself a few times.” I couldn’t believe I was telling her this, a girl I hardly knew. But it was so damn nice to have someone who actually cared about me and didn’t find me disgusting.

“Life’s too important to do that. You’ll be out of here in a couple years and you can go tell them to fuck themselves.”

I laughed. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard a girl talk like that.”

“I don’t usually, but it just seemed right.”