Save Or Sacrifice - 2. Chapter 2

The second that Ben had closed that door in my face, I should have known that it was going to be a lonely few weeks following our confrontation. And yet, I still wasn't emotionally prepared for it at all. It hurt. It hurt every single day, and all of the sudden I began to realize just how close Ben was to me. Suddenly I noticed how empty my day was and how much extra time I had when I wasn't talking or laughing with what USED TO BE...my best friend. For two and a half weeks, Ben didn't come to a single meeting, he didn't email, he didn't call, he didn't visit....and the few times that I saw him in the halls at school, he made it a point to not even acknowledge my existence. And the knife that he had driven into my stomach was pushed further and further in, twisting back and forth painfully with every encounter. It was a level of guilt that I had never experienced before.

I tried to hate him back once. Just to somehow relieve myself of the pain I was feeling everytime his smile crossed my mind. Hoping to balance things out again by sending it right back at him. I didn't have a real reason to hate him, but I tried. God KNOWS I tried! But I couldn't. I could never reflect that same amount of hatred back at him because....deep down inside....I missed him. I missed everything about him, and it was a hole in my life that I couldn't fill with any activity that I could think of. He was gone....gone. That cute, lovable, sweetheart that meant sooooo much more to me than I had ever imagined, was suddenly out of my reach. And it was all my fault. He didn't want to talk to me ever again. He said it himself, through tears of pain and rage...he never wanted anything to do with me for the rest of his life. A declaration like that hurt me to the bone. And I didn't have any doubt that he would be sticking to that promise for as long as he possibly could. As angry and hurt as he was that afternoon when I saw him last, that could be a long time. Somehow...the sex I had with Chandler, as mindblowing as it was, wasn't enough of a consellation prize to losing one of the best friends that I've ever had. Not even close.

I tried writing him an email when I got home that day. Except this time it wasn't some sappy letter telling him how sorry I was and how I'd never do it again and that I missed him. This time, I just wrote him something friendly to ask how he was doing. I don't know...maybe I was hoping that he missed me too. And that he might start talking to me again if I stopped bringing it up all the time. I still remember my hands shaking a bit when I hit the send button, but I did it anyway. Later on, I was overjoyed to see a reply from him in my inbox! I felt my heart racing as I clicked on it and opened the email, excitedly waiting to see what he said. But...there was only two sentences in the email. Two sentences that almost brought tears to my eyes, and the pain started all over again...

"You've got a lot of nerve smiling in my face! Consider yourself banned from my email!"

I sat back in the chair, staring at the cold words on my screen until my tears blurred them out of my sight. That was it. That was the best I could do to try to get him to talk to me. Sigh...even if he didn't totally HATE me...what could I possibly say to him? Was I just supposed to jump back into our friendship and pick up where we left off? Just wipe the slate clean and expect him to ever trust me again? The more I thought about it, th more I realized that I didn't DESERVE to have him back. I was being punished for a 'reason', and I can't just make it all better because I happen to miss him. I can't expect him to give a shit about how bad I feel without him in my life. But it didn't keep me from crying into my pillow that night. I thought about that night before the dance and how happy he was. How meeting Chandler was the greatest thing that had ever happened to him, and how much he really cared about him in the weeks to follow. I wish I could do it all over again. What was it about Chandler that made him so irresistable to me? Why was his touch such a magical experience for me? Even now, just thinking about him is causing me to want to feel him against me again. I always thought a decision like this would be incredibly easy to make, between friendship and lust. But if what I feel for Chandler is just lust, then it's the most intense lust I've ever known. Because even though I shut it out and refused to admit it, I missed him too.

The next morning I woke up and went to school, hardly saying a word to anybody throughout the day. I just didn't feel like I had the right to smile. And when I went to the club meeting after school, I'm sure they could all tell that I wasn't being my usual cheerful self and needed to be alone with my thoughts. So I sat in a corner alone by the window, and stared off into space for what must have been five long silent minutes. That's when the door opened, and Ben walked in.

I almost didn't want to believe that it was real, but sure enough, it was him, and he was there. I immediately sprang to my feet, but before I even took a single step towards him, I saw a slight 'change' in his once sweet and innocent aura. It was a change in the way he walked, in the look in his eyes...as though he had entered that room with a pitbull's confidence. And a pitbull's teeth from the looks of it. He glared at me briefly and made it obvious that he didn't give a shit if I was there or not. It was a look that made my heart go cold almost instantly, and I was sure everyone had noticed it, even if they didn't say anything. Even Mr. Harris noticed that Ben wasn't running passed everyone else in the room to sit next to me and exchange a boyish smile or two. The humiliation of having them know how much he hated me at that moment was enough for me to have to get up and excuse myself from the room for a minute. The room fell silent as I walked passed the other kids and headed for the door. This was too much, I wanted to die.

I didn't even make it to the bathroom, the tears started the second I closed the classroom door behind me. I felt them trickle down my face and just leaned against the nearest locker. I began to feel this burning anger start to rise up inside of me, from the pit of my stomach and up to the back of my throat. It made my arms tense up and I clenched my fists as tightly as I could without drawing blood. And through clenched teeth, I grunted the word, "STUPID!!!!!" and kicked the locker as hard as I could, almost denting it! I was STUPID!!! SO DAMN STUPID!!! I banged my head against the locker, finally just leaning against it and letting the tears come freely as I realized that the only thing I could do at this point was hate myself as much as possible until my heart and soul could learn to live with Ben being so disgusted with me. "....stupid..." I whispered to myself as my face became flooded with more tears than I could wipe away.

Just then, I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I jumped at the shock of being seen like that. It was Mr. Harris. "Cory? Are you ok?" He asked.

My face felt hot and flushed, my eyes burned and were sore from being stressed out so many times in the last week or two. But I attempted to straighten up anyway. "Uhh...yeah...yeah, I'm fine." I said, wiping my tears away as fast as I could.

He gave me a concerned look, and said, "Here...come on. Let's get you cleaned up." And he walked me to the bathroom down the hall. He grabbed some paper towels from the machine and handed them to me. As I wiped it over my eyes, he leaned against the sink with his arms folded and waited for me to start talking. I guess there was no way out of it now.

"Please don't. I really don't wanna talk about this right now." I said, trying to regain my composure in front of him.

"Cory, I want you to listen to me, ok? Because I think it's important." Mr. Harris unfolded his arms and placed them on my shoulders to comfort me, but I couldn't bare to look up from the floor. "Now I'm not sure exactly what happened between you and Ben, and you don't have to tell me. That's something for you two to work out as friends."

"Yeah...right.." I mumbled sarcastically.

"Shhh...just listen." He said, lifting my head with his fingers to look him in the eye. "I've seen how close you guys had gotten at one point, how inseperable you were at all times. It was a hundred times better than anything I could have hoped for, and I know you both meant an awful lot to each other. Now...no matter what it is that divided you two and made things so difficult, I somehow doubt that it will be enough to truly erase what you had. If it still hurts, if it still makes you angry, if it's still enough to make you cry...then you still care." I almost felt more tears welling up in my eyes, but I choked them back. "And I'm willing to bet that Ben does too."

Just hearing his name made my eyes gravitate back down to the cold tile of the school bathroom once again. Too heavy to lift them again. "I don't think so, Mr. Harris...not this time."

Mr. Harris paused for a second, then said, "You know...when Ben first started coming to the meetings regularly, he would often come and talk to me in private afterwards. He was such an unbelievably sweet boy, it was amazing to have him talk to me about the feelings he was dealing with and being able to open up to me the way he did. But the first time I ever saw him smile...was when he mentioned your name." My eyes were lifted once again, and I was able to look Mr. Harris in the eye again. He continued, "About a week or so after that, I noticed that he was having those private talks less and less. And soon...not at all. I'll have to admit that I kind of missed being his rock to hold on to. But the truth is...he had you. You related to him in a way that nobody else could reach, and he had such an admiration for you." I stood silent. I didn't know what to say, or even what to feel. If anything, it should make me feel worse. But in some small way, it gave me a glimpse of hope.

"You know, Cory...Ben used to have quite an intensive crush on you at one time." Mr. Harris smiled at me, and it was almost enough to make me smile myself. almost. "There was one time when he was quite convinced that he had fallen madly in love with you and had no idea what to do with himslf. Heh heh...you should have heard some of the things that came out of that boy's mouth about you. I didn't think you kids KNEW words like that!" I couldn't help but giggle a bit at the thought of it. Especially remembering how weird it sounded for Ben to say anything even remotely profane in front of anybody most of the time. "So...once he calmed down, and I had stopped blushing...we had a few nice long talks."

"About...about me?" I asked.

"Yes, about you. As it turns out, he's attracted to you without a doubt. He trusts you. I will even go so far to say that he truly loves you, kid." He made sure that I was looking him in the eye again when he said, "But...as far as being IN love with you...he hadn't reached that point just yet. Sometimes, we can feel so strongly, so passionately about someone that we believe we're in love with them. Especially when they're as cute as you are and a sweet guy on top of it. But in reality, when you take away all the longing, and the sexual attraction, and the sleepless nights, and the whole infatuated frenzy of being with them every second of the day...it's what you've got LEFTOVER that really counts. Sometimes, what's leftover is enough to be in love. And sometimes...what you have is a really good friend that you'll care about for the rest of your life. It took Ben a while to know the difference, but once he figured it out, he got closer to you than ever before. And he appreciated every moment that you two were together."

"I think I might have ruined all of that now." I whispered.

"I doubt that."

"Come on...can't you see he hates me?" I sobbed, feeling tears come to the surface again and trickle down my cheeks.

"What I see is a boy that's hurt pretty deeply, but not deep enough to give up one of the best friends he's ever had." Mr. Harris gave me a hug, and said, "If it was just some crush, I might agree with you. But it's what came AFTER the crush that he realized what a precious thing he had in you. And that kind of love doesn't go away, no matter what happens to damage it."

He loosened his embrace, and took another towel to wipe the last few stray tears from my eyes. I stopped for a moment and asked, "What...what can I do?"

"Well...to be honest, you can't do much of anything. You'll just have to have enough faith in your relationship to allow him to blow off enough steam to let you back in. It won't be easy, but you can't force it, Cory. He'll be angry, he'll be stubborn, he'll be downright EVIL from time to time. But the second he discovers that his pride is the only thing keeping you two from being happy again...he'll realize how much he truly misses you. He'll come back. You just make sure you're there for him when he does. Ok?" I nodded solemnly, and he asked again, "OK?"

"Yeah...ok...I will." I said outloud.

"Ok. Come on back to class. We'll take things one step at a time." And with that, he threw a friendly arm over my shoulder and guided me back out into the hallway.

And from that moment on, the waiting began. Hours went by and turned into days. Days went by and turned into weeks. And when an entire MONTH had gone by without a single sign that Ben wanted to even TRY being friends again, I got impatient. Even worse, I was beginning to get angry! I mean, how much longer was I going to have to wait? How much longer was I going to pay for the same damn mistake? GEEZ, gimme a fucking break already! The glares he would give me was beginning to make me bitter and cold to almost everybody, and I was beginning to wish that I just didn't care anymore. Day after day of being ignored gets to you after a while. Day after day of being reminded of something that you were already sorry for. Day after day of going to meetings, having him sit in the same room with me, and not being able to talk to him without him flashing me some snotty look of disgust. Hell yeah, I was angry! Screw him! I don't need this!

The last straw happened one afternoon, when I saw him talking to some other guy in the meeting, and having a great time from the looks of it. Nothing flirtatious or anything, but it was like this guy was being set up to be my 'replacement'...my fucking REPLACEMENT! I get to feel like shit all the time, and he gets to be happy and laugh and have fun. He gets to hate me but I don't get to hate him back. This is SO not cool! After all the good times we shared, after helping him to break out of his shell and be the happy little gay boy he is, after laughing with him, crying with him, being there to listen to all his problems...he just tosses me away and gets himself a new best friend??? He used to laugh with ME! Admire ME! Care about ME! How can he just...go off and give all of that love and attention to somebody else? How can he abandon me this way? This hurts. It REALLY hurts! And I'm tired of it! This has to stop, right now!

At the end of the meeting, I walked over to Ben and, getting the same look from him as I had been lately, told him that we needed to talk. "What the hell would I need to talk to YOU about?" He said.

"Ben...please?" He rolled his eyes a bit and said he had to go. "Come on! I'm trying to say I'm sorry!" I said, grabbing his arm.

"I already told you, I don't WANT your apology!"

"Then what DO you want???" I shouted, squeezing harder on his arm and feeling the anger covering my whole body with heat.

"I want you to leave me the fuck ALONE!!!" He shouted back, pulling his arm out of my grasp.

"How much longer are you gonna keep on hating me for something that happened over a month ago?"

"When it stops hurting! And it hasn't yet!"

"Well how can I make it up to you already?"

"How the fuck should I know??? That's YOUR problem, not mine. When you figure it out, let me know." He started to walk away again, but this time when I reached out to stop him, he shoved me. "What part of LEAVE ME ALONE do you not understand?"

"Ben, this isn't fair!" I shouted, and a look of disbelief came across his face.

"Heh...you have GOT to be kidding me." He scoffed.

"Why are you doing this?" I said, begging...pleading..."I care about you, ok? I just...I want things to go back to the way they were."

Ben moved closer to me, staring me directly in the eye, and said with tears of anger in his eyes, "...Everytime I look at you...all I see is the sex you had with someone that I really loved. All I see is the two of you, kissing, and rolling around, and not giving a DAMN about me. It makes me sick to my stomach, and I just keep seeing it over...and over...and over. You can't even IMAGINE what it was like for me to have to live through that. And you think that you can just come smile in my face and be my friend again while I swallow the pain for YOUR benefit? I'm sorry, Cory. I can't do that. I won't do that." That said, he wiped his eyes, and walked away from me. For, what felt like...the last time.

I stood there, emotionless, afraid that if I moved an inch that I would somehow make that whole conversation a reality...instead of the dream that I was secretly wishing it was. I didn't want to believe that our friendship was over. I wouldn't allow myself to accept the idea that Ben could push me aside, replace me with someone better, and live the rest of his life without the slightest bit of regret. And what was even harder to think about was the fact that maybe, just maybe...he was better off without me.

That afternoon, I took a long walk home, feeling my chest growing more and more empty inside as I replayed Ben's words in my head over and over again. If this is even a hint of what he felt after catching Chandler and me together that day...I can understand why it would be a mistake for him to ever speak to me again. I guess I wasn't thinking about it from his side of the situation as much as I thought I had. I didn't really grasp it completely. I hoped, more than ever, that Mr. Harris was right. That if it still hurts, then he still cares. Because the day he stops caring and just moves on to be with his new friends in his new life, and has basically learned that he doesn't need me at all to be happy...I'll be truly alone. More alone than the word itself can describe.

I walked into the house and let my backpack slide off of my shoulder at the door, kicking my shoes off right after. And I was heading to my room to lay down for a while and let my thoughts sort themselves out a bit. That's when I saw the answering machine light blinking and checked it out. "...Hey...this message is for Cory..." My mind went blank. It was a sweet voice, a boyish voice, that I would never forget. Even though it was the LAST voice I needed to hear at that very moment. "This is Chandler. I was just calling to see how you were. It's been a while...um...I miss you." Said the voice nervously. "Anyway...drop me a line sometime, ok?" And he left a phone number and an email address before hanging up. I stood frozen for a minute, my heart pounding as though it were scared to death and ready to pop like an overinflated balloon. I pressed the 'play' button again to hear that voice a second time. And it brought it all back to me. His smile, his skin, his kiss...the way his body molded to mine in such an erotic way. I could feel myself getting aroused all over again, uncontrollably reacting to the sensations that he had left behind the last time we were together. I could have written the number down, but I didn't. I could have memorized the email, but I didn't. Instead, I did my best to snap out of it and erased the message. I hesitated for a moment, my body screaming out for me to hold on to this boy! But I did, what felt like, the 'right' thing. I just wish I didn't feel so bad about it afterwards.

I tossed and turned in bed that night, so horny that sleep was out of the question until I relieved the pressure building inside of me. I hated myself for thinking about him, for allowing Chandler to enter my mind when I knew he didn't belong there...but my thoughts were pulled to the vision of his face. His cute grin, sexily staring down at me as he ran his fingers through his soft brownish blond hair. The second I grabbed a hold of myself and stroked it once, I knew that there would be no resisting it. Chandler had worked his way into my fantasies and wasn't going anywhere until I was thoroughly satisfied. I jacked myself like a madman, actually sticking my tongue out as though I could reach forward far enough to taste him again. I salivated with the memory of his flavor, and brought myself off to a climax that made me weak in the knees. I lay there in bed, still shivering gently from the experience, and I knew that I would have to stay away from Chandler completely if I ever wanted to break whatever spell it was that he had on me. It'll be fine. Ben's friendship means more to me than a cheap thrill, and I want to respect that. Even if Chandler is...dreamy.

It might have been two days that passed, maybe three, when I actually got an email from Chandler online. He had somehow looked me up and wrote me a short and sweet email to ask how I'd been. Even his EMAILS were cute, and I had to erase it right away to keep myself from the temptation of writing back. But as the next few days went by, I got more and more attention from Chandler. And less and less attention from Ben. The balance had shifted drastically, and suddenly it began to seem like I was holding out for something that was never going to happen. I kept erasing Chandler's emails, one by one, as well as his phone messages, never giving him a reply. But as I watched Ben get closer and closer with some of the other boys in our group, my 'replacement' especially, I found my will power breaking down with every tick of the clock.

Then...on a Friday afternoon, right before a three day weekend from school, I walked over to Ben in an attempt to maybe get a somewhat more 'polite' reaction than I had the week before. I guess...I just wanted to know if I still had something to wait for. That I wasn't just making up this whole 'reunion' thing in my head. This time...he hardly said anything to me at all. He didn't even really bother to give me a dirty look. He just took his 'new friend' by the arm gently, and walked out on me. I heard Ben mumble something under his breath, and smile. The two of them shared a giggle and kept walking as though I wasn't even there. It was at that moment, that I really got tired of being hurt time and time again. It was then that things sunk in, and I felt an angry venom seep into my blood. Ok...if he wants to keep playing this game with me, fine. We can play.

That night, I sat down at my computer...and Chandler got his reply.

It was a friendly email, nothing over the top or too long, and I sent it without any hesitation at all. However...it was only a minute later that I started to feel bad. It felt like I was here betraying Ben all over again, and proving him right about everything he said to me. Too late to take it back now. Might as well see what happens. I reached over to turn the computer off, when an email got delivered to my inbox. Evidently, Chandler was online. He only asked one question? "Can you talk on the phone?"

I gave in. I told him to call me, and we talked. And talked. And talked. About an hour later, he said he had to run. But also asked me what I was doing on Monday since we were out of school. The question alone made me tremble. "Um...I don't...I don't know. Maybe nothing." I stuttered.

"Cool...me neither." I couldn't speak, and there was a pause. My heart began to race, and he finally said, "Maybe I can come over or something?" My body shook, my erection swelling to it's full hardness, my mouth going dry. I had forgotten about the beauty of this boy, the charm, the sound of his laugh and the brightness of his smile. It all came back to me in the hour that I spent talking to him, and with a heart torn between two extremes...I agreed. "Sweet! Well...um...I'll catch the early bus over then. K? I'll see you about noon? Maybe a bit earlier if I can." The excitement in his voice made him all the more appealing, and my body ached for him to be next to me again. I wanted to take it back. Be strong, be a true friend, and just tell him that I shouldn't see him at all anymore. And then tell him exactly why. He'd understand. I'm SURE he'd understand.

But I didn't. I let him set up all the plans...and then he kissed me goodbye over the phone before hanging up. And that was that. I had now officially dowsed myself in gasoline...all I had to do was strike the match.

That weekend was a restless one. The agony of what I had done was matched only by the anticipation for what I was getting ready to do. I knew why Chandler was coming over. And he knew that I'd be more than willing to oblige him. My parents would be at work all day, the house would be ours. It was the last step that I had to take to total damnation. Come on Ben...please...call, write me an email, send up a smoke signal...ANYTHING! Just...give me a reason to stop. Give me a reason to keep my faith in our friendship. Please...

But it never came. And Monday seemed to sneak up on me in a few hours time. Sure enough, Chandler was ringing the doorbell at a quarter to noon, and eagerly ran in to give me a hug as soon as I opened the door. "Cory...dude. It is soooo good to see you. It's been so long, man." God, he was still as soft as warm butter in my arms. His hugs always spoke to me with such an undeniable sense of affection. The way a four year old hugs his teddy bear at night. It was actually good to have him holding me again. I had forgotten about the honey sweet smell of his hair, and the candied scent of his young breath. I missed it, and despite my self control since he had been gone, my body was silently craving it with intensity. Mmmm...I was weak from the moment he stepped through the door. "How have you been?" He asked, walking in to sit on the couch.

"Uh...good. Really good. You?" I made sure not to sit next to him. I even turned on the tv to give me something else to look at aside from his amazing eyes, but I still couldn't take my eyes off of him. Everything about him made my mouth water, even the way he moved when he talked. His hand gestures were so gentle, so fluid, it was hypnotic. And his hair seemed to make tender gestures of its own, gliding back and forth with the movements of his head. So silky, so shiny, begging to be touched and petted, just like the rest of him. I was trying hard to concentrate, but our conversation was awkward at best, and my mind wouldn't stray from the sexual images that consumed it so completely.

It wasn't long before the look in Chandler's eyes had changed slightly, but noticeably. His smile began to imitate the same sensual quality that I had experienced the last time he came over. And we all know how THAT turned out. "So...are your parents at work?" He asked.

"Yeah...they're at work."

"Ahhh...ok." He said quietly, and a silence came over the room. I turned my attention to the tv, but I could see him catching glances at me every now and then out of the corner of my eye. I fidgeted a little in my seat, and felt myself getting hard on autopilot. I attempted to get the thoughts out of my mind, hoping that I could keep myself sane long enough to figure out the overall 'wickedness' behind this whole thing. To somehow understand and determine a right and a wrong for this particular situation where I could be happy with the consequences of whatever I did here today. But Chandler was determined to make the decision for me. "You know...I really...I mean REALLY...missed you, Cory. I thought about you almost everyday." He said, his voice putting me in a trance.

I didn't say anything at first, but I felt a blush cover my face, and smiled timidly in his direction. And he stood up to move over to where I was sitting. I tensed up immediately as I saw a familiar bulge forming in his pants, and he made no attempt to hide it from me as he inched closer to take my hand. His skin was even softer and smoother than I remember. And he leaned in closer to whisper in my ear, "Did you miss me too?" I was shaking now, unable to breathe, and I felt him gently tug at my hand until it was resting at the top of his thigh.

I squeezed it, soft like a pillow, and warm. I sighed to myself, giving in to the moment all over again. "Yeah...I did." I whispered, and received a childish whimper of desperation from Chandler as he leaned in closer to give me an angel's kiss on the curve of my neck. The first was just a peck against my skin, but he delivered more and more, each one getting longer, until he was licking and sucking at it passionately. I allowed my eyes to close as he pulled my hand over the front of his lap, and I felt the hardness throb beneath my fingertips. My heart was beating so hard with anticipation that it was causing my entire chest to tremble. Being strong was out of the question at that point, and I contracted my fingers to grab at his erection and rub it forcefully as my will left me and became his once again. His kiss at my neck became more erotic, and he reached over to touch me...my inches being harder than ever before. Oh God, he felt so good. Soooo good. I had to have him, I HAD to! I turned my head to kiss those tenderly pursed lips of his, and lightning bolts shot through my entire body. Our tongues reached for one another and licked each other sensually as his sweet saliva mixed with mine. I had to move my hand from his hardness and pull him to me, hugging his young body tightly against mine, causing a grunt to escape his lips as our kissing became wild. Almost hungry. We moaned and groaned, pushed and grinded, as we positioned ourselves on the couch where he could lay on top of me and I could pull him into me as tightly as I could manage. I felt so connected to him.

I managed to undo his belt without breaking our kiss, and I worked my hands down the back of his jeans as he lay on top of me. He began humping me and I wormed those hands down far enough to grasp onto the bottom of his beautiful cheeks, cupping them and feeling them flex under the pressure. The tight fit of his pants glued my hands to the pert globes, and I kissed him madly until I was breathless. Then I let my hands run up and down his sides, underneath his shirt, gliding over the texture of his soft teenage skin. "Cory...God Cory, let me taste you. Please let me taste you." He whispered with heavy breath. Neither one of us could take the confines of our clothes anymore, and he rose up from the couch taking me by the hand to drag me to the bedroom. I was blinded by the raw sexual beauty of him, it was like I had no control at all. My body was aching for his sex, begging for a release that only Chandler could give me. And once we were undressed and let the bed envelop our bodies....we made love so incredible that to even think about it makes me quake and long for another taste. The entire experience was a half hour long orgasm that blew my mind. He tasted better than ever. His body had learned to move in such an exciting way. His sleek curves were a pleasure to touch, and his legs wrapped themselves around me like serpents, making it impossible to break away even if I wanted to. Amazing? The word doesn't do Chandler justice.

We made love over and over and over again. All day long. We had the house to ourselves, and remained naked for hours and hours. I had never made love so many times, but I couldn't get enough. It was such an unquenchable thirst, such a magnetic pull that kept me coming back for more kisses. Even after we had both climaxed, we would kiss and touch and roll around back and forth on the coolness of my bedsheets until we were ready for more. I couldn't stop touching him, couldn't stop kissing him, couldn't keep my hands from reaching down to feel his hardness swell and pulse in my grip...God...it was magical. Chandler would whimper in a way that was sooooo cute! I would touch or kiss him in certain places just for the purpose of making him make that sound. His voice would even squeak slightly if he was really into it, and that would make me kiss him until my lips hurt. It was a burst of sexual expression that denhed the both of us in hours of unending bliss.

I would often slide down to the end of the bed and slide between his legs to completely bathe his nuggets with my tongue, until he was spasming above me. He tasted like no one else I had ever been with. So sweet. And the whole time I was licking away at the wrinkled skin of his sack, I was burying my nose in the inside of his thighs. Immersed in the aroma of teenage passion. We never stopped. Chandler only got out of bed once or twice the whole day, and one of those times was to get some water for us to keep in the bedroom. But even THAT time, I followed him to the kitchen, and with a few kisses, we made love again. I slipped my arms around his naked body from behind, and he instinctively raised his arms to my hair as I held his private member in my hands. I grinded into him over and over until he begged me to enter him, with me nibbling at his earlobe and stroking him at the same time. It felt as though the world was spinning as I pushed into his tight warm body again and again right there against the wall in the kitchen. We soon were driving each other crazy and I pistoned in and out of him hard, with his cries egging me on to go faster. He had to let go of my hair and hold on to the wall for support as I got caught up in a sexual frenzy. My knees began to give way, and I felt the orgasm building in my loins. After so many, they were becoming more and more sensitive, and this one shot out of me like a fire as Chandler sprayed the wall with whatever fluids he had left to give. We moaned and whimpered for minutes afterwards, and by the time we had gotten back to the bedroom, we were ready to resume our make-out session again. I never wanted to stop. I wanted this day to go on forever.

I loved every piece of him, and JESUS he was cute! His eyes would make me hard from a single moment of contact with my own. Just the feel of his smooth cool naked skin against mine in bed, his legs laying lazily over my stomach, his lips nuzzled deeply into my neck...the room filled with the scent of our constant love making...I never wanted it to be over. Everytime we thought we had no juices left, we were at it again to prove each other long. It spanned over five, maybe six hours, being naked with him and loving him to the point of exhaustion. And the worst part, it wasn't until I looked at the clock and realized that we'd have to get dressed and cleaned up before my parents got home...that Ben even crossed my mind again.

My emotions seemed to divide themselves into two sides almost immediately as I lay there spooned tightly up against Chandler's backside, feeling another erection sprouting up. My stiffness was painful, sore from so much use. But even though my body was weak, my affections cried out for more pleasure, and I couldn't help but kiss Chandler on his shoulder and hug him even tighter. Feeling him push back slightly and sigh lovingly to himself as he lay next to me half asleep. Still, my mind wouldn't let me rest. One side of me was shouting, "How COULD you? How could you be so stupid as to do this again? What the hell is the matter with you? Now you've probably ruined things with Ben for GOOD, and you don't even CARE!" But there was another side of me, that was constantly shouting, "Ben broke it off with you a while ago! He doesn't want to talk to you ever again. It's over, the damage has been done, and you can't keep punishing yourself for what you really want. Let the guilt melt away...he's YOURS now! Be happy!" I never wanted to be so torn up about this, but what if this is love? What if Chandler was put here for me instead of Ben? I mean...I miss Ben something awful, I can admit that. But...am I willing to sacrifice this gorgeous, sexy, wonderful boy to have him back? Or should I save the boy and hope that someday Ben will come to his senses and be happy for me? Can I honestly have THAT much faith? Because that scenario isn't so guaranteed, and it's a bit to perfect for me, and me alone, to even be considered credible. Sigh...why couldn't I have met Chandler first?

"Mmmmm...fuck me, Cory. Fuck me." Chandler moaned, and he took my hard member in his hand to guide it into his hot waiting hole for one last thrill before we had to get up. And I attempted to wash my inner thoughts away, and bury them under the warm embrace of Chandler's tightness...but they stood their ground, and I felt myself simply...going through the motions of sex. Grinding, pushing, pulling, kissing, moaning...the whole time having it feel somewhat...'artificial'. For the first time since he came over that day, it felt like 'just sex'. I don't know if it was my mind getting the best of me, or if I was finally opening my eyes to what I was doing, but it didn't feel good until I shut my mind off and pounded him until the last of my seed gushed out of me and filled him up inside. It was a momentary feeling of love, but it didn't last, and I think I might have made yet another mistake.

This boy was here for me. But he wasn't here forever.

I let myself slip out of him slowly, feeling his inner walls relaxing as I slid out again. He rolled over and kissed me deeply before sitting up to put his clothes on for the first time since we walked into that bedroom. I stared at him, his body, his face, and I lusted for him with an incredible passion. But something was missing. I couldn't put my finger on it, but as he got dressed, and my sexual desires died down a bit, I wondered what Chandler would be like outside of this room. If we could have anything outside of the heat we generated together while we were in bed. His body was just delicious from head to toe, I wanted to get up and kiss his chest and tummy for another hour, and yet...when I looked at him, I couldn't think of anything else. Outside of sex, I didn't really envision us together just having...fun. And that's when I began to realize that something was wrong.

I put my shirt on and kissed Chandler goodbye. He said he'd call or write or something, but somehow I didn't think he'd hurry. When he left, I thought about the hours we spent together and had to stop before I got aroused again and sprained something important. I don't know...I don't think I was ready to give up on Chandler just yet. I mean, I just had to sit him down and get to know him a little better is all. We already 'get along' in more ways than one, and he's sweet, and funny, and cute...it's not like he's going to turn out to be some asshole that I can't stand or anything. I just have to invest time into something else other than hot mindblowing sex. Sighhhhh...even though he IS sooooo good at it.

Save him, or sacrifice him? Ben doesn't seem to want to be a part of this decision anymore, so I guess I'll have to figure things out for myself. I'm going to end up losing someone either way, I'm sure of it. But it's just something I'm going to work through as I try to find a reasonable way out of all this confusion.

Easier said than done.