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Black Paper

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About Black Paper

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  • Age in Years
    26
  • Gender
    Male
  • Sexuality
    Bisexual, leaning male

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  1. Black Paper

    The Adagio

    ♥️♥️♥️♥️please do. It’s dark in the truth of people being “lost” and left behind, I suppose. idk why it just got to me. in a GOOD way mind you!
  2. Black Paper

    The Adagio

    .....MRM Touching. Riveting. Raw. Real. Just four of the many words I can use to describe this “piece” I’ll call it.😮👁 I am a ghost, after all, I suppose. Why did this make me actually tear up? 💔✨ i’d Say the ending was my favorite part, but, that’d be a lie. I liked it all. Don’t make me choose. This has that Bitter sweet dark /light tone to a story, novel, or even a movie that I like to “taste” and experience, every here & there. It’s the dark chocolate of a read that I like to get every once in a while.🍷🥀 Thank you.
  3. Black Paper

    Chapter 4

    I’ll rhyme it for ya... This story is a hidden treasure, And, a secret pleasure. 😏⛓🖤
  4. No where was it stated a minor and an adult would be intimate. As a once struggling teen, himself, the character becomes a role model, protector, and a guardian to the other character in question.
  5. Black Paper

    Watchdog

    I love Jimmy! Omg.♥️😂 Great Chapter MRM.👁🌑 “Well, that was mighty nice of you, Chandler, but you know non-authorized adults aren't allowed on campus. It's for the protection of the kids, you know.“ -By the way, as I read that I was like “Oh FU** off & eat me.”🙄
  6. “He’s just better at being a teenager then everyone else.” I know what you mean. So true. Love this analogy. And to anyone complaining and whining about another Brandon story- no one has chained you to a wall and threatened you to read it or else. If MRM wishes, he may use his creativity in order to produce one for those who WISH to read another Brandon encompassed piece.🌙✨
  7. Black Paper

    Raven’s Roof

    Hehe, yeah! And, that sounds wonderful. I love the rain sometimes. It’s very calming, I feel. Sometimes, I think it’s best to “listen” and let nature talk and hear what it has to say. I’m a believer in “The world will talk to you when you stop talking.”. We don’t always need to say anything. The rain is a pretty sound. At least for me.♥️✨ I enjoy the thunder, also.👁💫
  8. Chapter 7 ~Raven’s Roof~ Salem locked my door. He LOCKED MY door; he didn’t lock his door. It was MINE. That’s like untieing my own shoe lace. That’s like taking my lunch money and saying- “You owed me from last time.” That’s like walking into my house and eating any food that he wanted to out of my fridge, without even asking me, as I watched while he says, “Well, you ate at my house so, now, we’re even.” This is crossing lines of personal territory that I did not feel comfortable with, at all, especially, knowing how dangerous he could be. He can’t just lock my own door. He can’t do this. Looking at his frozen figure, which was half not visible in my dimly lit room, I was frightened, honestly, dumbfounded & quite annoyed to be honest. Really? Is this really happening? I responded, “Salem, look. I didn’t mean to see anything. I didn’t. I swear! I just needed to know the time. It’s getting late. You have to believe me. Please. You-.” I said in a quick pace as he edged himself closer to me. What’s he doing? “Liar.” He said, softly. “No. No I’m not. Salem please. You gotta believe me. Salem, PLEASE please. Don’t- don’t hurt me.” I said breathing hard. Suddenly, he ran up to me so fast. I got so scared; I did nothing, but, get in a hunched position, trying to shield my head from him & crouched myself in the fetal position to hide my chest, naturally & instinctively, as I sat down. Oh my god. I thought-“He’s going to actually hurt me! He’s going to beat me! I’m calling my mom!” I started to yell for her, but, before I could even finish, I saw him to my left and he just picked up his phone & violently threw it across the room and it shattered to bits and pieces. Silence. He blankly stared at his phone. He just stood there. He said nothing. He wasn’t really mad at me, I confirmed, which, was a relief. I was just thankful that I wasn’t in danger, at that moment to be honest. I really didn’t care about anything else. “I told him not to call me that, anymore. F**king Moron! And, I HATE your stupid rooooooooom.” He said. Is it wrong? Is it wrong that this type of behavior, on Salem’s part, did not really shock me, anymore? It had only been 48 hours. But, I was already getting used to his… outbursts and, I don’t know, “lifestyle” I guess we’ll call it. I was stunned, but, no where near as much as I had been when I had seen this behavior for the first time, two days ago, in his house when we were alone and he kicked his Xbox ONE & threw things at me. In that terribly quick voice of his, he blurted- “You’re just like them. Always in my case. You’ve ALWAYS acted weird.” He said in an accent that was actually a bit different than the one he usually used to talk. Now, THAT was freaking weird. It was so strange. He sounded different. And, ME?! ME???!!! I’m Weird? Is he serious? I don’t do anything to him! He’s delusional! After a few minutes of him just standing there and looking at his broken phone, I said- “Look.” “NO, YOU LOOK.” He barked and turned around and darted to me. “What’d you see?! Huh? WELL?” He said. This time he actually, violently, grabbed my shoulders and shook me really hard in sequence to what he was demanding me to answer really fast. It scared me! He didn’t stop! OW!! It made my head hurt. “Well? Answer me! Answer me. I don’t have time for your crap! Hurry up! ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME!” He shook me harder making my hair flop back and fourth. My eyes wanted to tear up, but I swallowed the tears. “I-I-I just saw-uhm I don’t- I don’t know something about a roof and someone saying “Raven” and… that they’ll tell…” I said. He let go before I could even finish and walked over to my window slowly and just looked outside. He looked. I don’t know… sad. “You don’t know what your talking about. You just don’t get it. I hate you. FU** you, Johnny. Go DIE.” He said in a low whisper to me. It hurt. He hates me? It hurt so much to hear that. But, the more that I thought about it, as I sat on my dark blue comforter covered bed, I realized, that it didn’t make much sense for him to hate me. I was just trying to put all of this together. This wasn’t adding up as I stared at the reflection that I was able to see of his boyish and charming face in the window from where I was. Nothing was said for about 20 seconds & complete and utter silence filled the air in a thick cloud of deafening nothing. “Ughh. LOOK.” He said, startling me. “Don’t get all emotional, okay? It’s no big deal. It’s just… it’s just business.” He said all harshly. What the hell is he talking about? Why does he talk in riddles, sometimes, making me get only one half of the story? Does he even realize that I’m not in his mind? Or, does he genuinely not understand that I don’t just, automatically, know what he’s thinking & saying. Maybe, he doesn’t understand that. Maybe. I don’t know… he’s just a bit off. “What?” I said, softly. “It’s not… it’s NOT MY FAULT. GOD! JUST STOP!” He said to me. Okaaaayyy. “Uhm, okay. I didn’t say-“ I started. I was interrupted. “I was just STANDING there waiting for my mom. I got lost that night. Give me a break!” He said all frustrated in a low voice and clenching his fists together in the exact same way that I saw him do so when he kicked that milk container outside of Nelly’s, that time that I over heard his dad tell him he had two weeks of punishment added onto his current sentence of being grounded due to his behavior. “I don’t really under-“ I tried to respond. He continued. “It was raining so I had to stand under that old Lounge Club entrance. Their business was shot. It was all empty. So, I figured no one would care.” He said. I remained silent. Salem’s making no sense, whatsoever. I was done trying to figure him out. “That entrance had those old vintage roofs on the top. It had the old fancy dark green kind. You know? It’s where those bellboys or security people or WHATEVER they are greet you and let you in.” He said. Uhm, okay. “Okay…..” I said. He continued in his city boy accent. “Pshh. So yeah, like, I was standing there. It was, obviously, the only shield that I had from that storm. Then, that, Parker, guy shows up. It was 2:14am. He asked me how much.” I didn’t know what he was talking about. I was actually getting annoyed. How does this have anything to do with what we were talking about? “I was only 11. Fu**, like, I didn’t know what he meant. So he offers to give me a ride and we showed up at his place. Then, he offered me a good bud of cash. $1000. Fresh off the ATM. I saw it. I was shocked. Then he told me the deal. And-“ he continued. My mind went numb for a moment. I couldn’t even hear everything that he was saying as I was beginning to piece it all together... “He saw my Raven’s Jersey. I told ya; I love that team. Put his hand on my shoulder. Called me Raven. Said he liked that as my name & if he could call me that the rest of the night & that it suited me & my long dark hair. I didn’t care. Why would I? I loved the team, anyway. Whatever. I didn’t want him knowing my name, anyway. Then, before I knew it, I learned my ways & the ropes & I stood there every week. Word spread out among the folks, pretty quick. You’d be surprised. Lots of people are into that stuff & it’s a buttload of cash. So yeah, word got out that I’d always be there under the roof. It became my place. It was my spot. Everyone knew. Everyone who isn’t anyone, if you know what I mean. So, I snuck out whenever I wanted and-“ He kept going. I couldn’t even believeeeee this. No way. NO WAY was I hearing this. It was some dream. It is some nightmare I was dreaming up. It wasn’t really Salem telling me this... It couldn’t be. “Everyone knew. That’s what they called me. Yep. Raven. Became my code name. It was just for nighttime stuff, at first, but, soon, the whole gang found out. Like I said, word spreads pretty fast. September found out and got all-“ as he continued. My mouth hung open as my body went cold. My eyes widened as I remembered what Salem’s father had told him while I was eves dropping on their conversation they had exchanged amongst one another, outside of their family business last weekend. “And, what about that PROSTITUTE September bragged about to his brother......” he said. That prostitute was... that was... that prostitute was SALEM!!! Oh my god. And, his dad didn’t even know. This whole time, I’ve been with a prostitute! EWWW!!! Salem sleeps with– with random people for money?!! And he was just a kid!? That’s disgusting! I wanted to sit down. But, I was already sitting. What else could I do? Could I lay down? No. Should I sit on the floor? No. I just sat there too weak to even hold myself up. It all began to finally make sense. It was all coming together in the black puzzle of Salem’s life. I couldn’t really react. I was stuck. I wanted to scream and also cry, but, I was stuck in this limbo where I could just feel everything at once, but, had no way to release it all. It was like if someone had made me place my hand over an open flame and light it on fire & burn it, entirely, and made me not make one scream or reaction. I just had to feel all of the agony and do nothing about it. No wonder why Salem acted so strangely. No wonder why he got so crazy. I understood why he acted like he was… I don’t know, like two different people; it was because he WAS two different people. Well, not exactly. He just had to be that way. He was almost wearing a mask. His mind had subconsciously created two versions of himself. It had created this “alter ego” in order to protect himself. It was the only way that he could “survive” and keep his sanity, intact. It was his mind’s way of protecting itself. It was the only way he could do all of those terrible things that he had to do with all of those people using his “PokerFace” and, then, be able to “switch” & sanely go about living his life without loosing his mind. However, I don’t think it lasted long. And, he lost control of his “switching”. I, finally, understood why Salem was the way that he was with me when we, uhm, had sex with each other. When he held my body and held my bare sweaty thighs with his own hands, it was so erotic and sexy to me. It was so amazing. It was so- it was so exciting to me. It , instantly, turned me on. But, to him, it was just “work.” All of those things that he had taught me how to do, as he just blankly spoke to me in the way that he did, were all of the things that HE was taught how to do. They were the very same things that he was TRAINED to do by all of those people on a regular basis to make sure that he got them done, perfectly & correctly in order to get the most out of their money.. It was just... it was just business. It was just them playing around with him. So, he did the only thing that he “knew” how to do with me- he played with me. He was used to it, already. It was nothing to him. He had been so used to playing the game & dealing money. He knew nothing else. He was oblivious. Everything I thought about him acting like we were just playing a game in reaction to him making me loose my virginity, whether he knew it or not, was not far off at all. If fact, it was right on. I was just his toy in the same way that he was a boytoy to others. I was a card. I was just a playing card in his “deck of fun” of people that he’s played with. And, now, I was a player, too. It was too late He taught me how to play. I had a deck of my own & I was already playing. As I stared at his neck while he looked outside, the same neck that I kissed yesterday so sweetly, the same neck that smelled like the sweet ocean & boyish aroma that turned me on in ways that were so private and unusual to me, the same neck that, God only knows how many other people’s mouths, lips, and other parts have touched, I realized that... I just slept.. with- with a HOOKER. I was dizzy. I lost my virginity to a person that I knew for less than two weeks who has slept with possibly over one hundred people. I dealt him & gave him my V-Card as he just took it & played it with a smile. I gave the same look that i would give as though someone told me that my very own mother died by exploding from the inside out. Everything sank in. And, what was sinking it, was his Black Water. He was drowning everything that I knew about him since the day that I met him. I was “Half & Half” I wanted to leave and I wanted to stay. I wanted to yell at him for doing such terrible things and I wanted to feel bad for him. The sad thing was, I was half scared of him and half entranced by him. And, I liked it. I liked how dangerous he was and, yet, he somehow, made me feel safe. I liked how predictable his unpredictability was. I liked his toxic love. I loved his pretty Poison. I loved tasting his black water and smelling his dark roses. The question, now, was- Do I drink? Or, do I sink? Do I stay? Do I play? Do I go? I don’t know. He stared, blankly, and looked down a bit. I think he was ashamed at that moment. In a much softer and lighter voice than I had ever heard him use to speak with, I heard his REAL voice. His voice was so soft & beautiful. It was like mine. It was actually lighter than the one he usually spoke in. He sounded like a happy kid for some reason. This was the first time that I was ever able to really hear & see him “come out and talk to me.” “I told you.” He said in his light voice. I was shocked by its real sound. “What?” I asked. “ I told you…..” he said, blankly. “I told you to kill me...” He said, softly, turning and looking up at me. His eyes looked so big and almost glassy. He looked so sad. He said to me in a very slow voice. “I told you I was disgusting…” He looked at me. Remember that boy that I saw on his bed the other day that I said looked like he came out and greeted me. There he was. He was looking at me. I ran up to him. I wanted to hug him. There he was! That’s Salem! No one understands. But, I do! Nobody gets IT!! I don’t even know if his family gets it!!! He’s right there! I SEE HIM! DOES NO ONE ELSE IN THIS GODDAM WORLD SEE HIM?!! I DO! HE’S SCREAMING FOR SOMEONE TO SAVE HIM AND SEE HIM JUST LIKE I WAS WISHING FOR SOMEONE TO SAVE ME! I SEE YOU, SALEM. I SEE YOU. YOU SAVED ME, SOMEHOW, AND I- *knock knock knock* “Sweetie. I got you guys some Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches to eat if you’re hungry. I couldn’t make a hot dinner with all of that paperwork due for the County.” Nothing. I said nothing in response to my mother’s offering. Her words were all heard too deep in the subconscious part of my mind for me to even be able to correctly respond to her. I was barely even paying attention. *knock knock* “Johnny?” She said. “Uhhh— uh- yeah. Sure, c-come in.” My mother opened the door and smiled at us both as Salem glared out the window and then turned around. He took the large plate with our toasted sandwiches which were cut into triangles. “Oh, sure thanks. I love peanut butter.” He said as he just took a little nibble from the sandwich. My mother looked at him with a grin. “Johnny loves these, too. Sorry about the grape jelly. I, usually, use strawberry preserves to add some bite.” She said to him. ”No problem. Grape is perfect. Anyone who has a problem with grape, just, has issues. You know? Thanks.” He said, abruptly, to her. He just ate his sandwich so nonchanltly. It was nuts. I’d say he’s been bipolar. But, he’s even more than that. I’d say there’s something spiritually wrong with him or haunting him. But, I had no justification or evidence to prove that statement to be a reality. This boy who had roamed the streets of Brooklyn, NY, slept with strangers, had a tough life, was my very first crush, & SLEPT WITH ME AND MADE SWEET LOVE TO ME, ... was just eating a toasted PB&J sandwich that my mom had cut up into little triangles for him in my room. I just stared at him as he ate it for a moment as my mother left and closed the door. It was so apparent to me why Salem used to pull his own long locks of hair. He probably couldn’t deal with the traumatic memories of that GUY giving him his “Hooker Name” in correlation to its long length. So, he, subconsciously, hated it so much & just didn’t know what to do about it or how to deal with it, other than to violently pull it all out. He, then, just put the rest of his sandwich down on the plate and walked to the middle of the room, facing me, & layed down on my floor, curling himself in the fetal position and hugging himself as he just stared at nothing. It was so strange & odd. As I looked at him just randomly curled up on my floor for no reason at all. I began to realize, I think Salem... I think Salem had lost his mind back home. I think he was sick. As I remembered what he said about those “People putting him in that room and cutting his hair off”. I think... I think one night he completely cracked and went bat sh** crazy kicking and screaming and crying and hurting himself due to everything that he had done with all of those people & had gone through. I think it was so bad, that he probably got in trouble for it & for lashing out. Only, that time, he was self-harming. I think whatever happened, it was so terrible, that, they sent him to the nut house where they had to restrain him & do who knows what & cut all of his hair off so that he couldn’t hurt himself any longer as he screamed and cried and yelled bloody murder as he threw a tantrum, yelling at absolutely nothing. He didn’t have to tell me. No one did. I already knew. They couldn’t hide him from me, anymore. And, as I stared at him and looked at that haircut of his while he was hugging himself on my floor like a caterpillar staring, blankly, at the space underneath my bed for no reason at all with half- widened eyes, I realized that the one thing that I liked since the day that I met him about his hair and how it made his ears look, now, made me frown, knowing, what it’s original reason for being there even was. I wanted to say something. But, as I opened my mouth I heard, “Johnny?” He said in a low monotone way & not blinking, once. ”Y-Yeah?” I asked him. He said so blankly- ”Can I-can I stay here a little bit? I- I don’t wana go home. I dont- wana see those people. I don’t want that room. Please?” He said so softly in this weird, kid-like, & monotonous voice. “Uhh-.” I said. ”Do you? Do you have a blanket?” He asked me, sweetly, while on my floor, not even blinking, as he stared at nothing & laying on his side. I wanted to, honestly, just show someone this sad display in front of me. It was just so... pulling. Does that make any sense? It just reeled my heart in. I got up & picked up my bed sheet, automatically, which was to my left. I carried it over to him & put it around him & carefully tucked it into his sides. As I heard the rain begin to fall on my window, I realized as I looked at him while he just unusually laid on my floor, that Salem needed more than a new town. Sarah was right. He didn’t just need a new school or mental help. He needed someone to- to see him. He needed someone to know him. He needed someone to be his friend. He needed... I don’t know... he needed me. I felt like I was the one who was always meant to help him as crazy as that may seem. It couldn’t just be a coincidence that we met the way that we did. It couldn’t be. I thought that as I tucked him in with the bed sheet on my hard wooden floor and just stared at him. He was - he looked so alone. He was still staring at nothing. In a high, sing-song pitch voice he politely said- “Thank you.” I looked at his turned cheek as he was looking away. I, finally, did it. I did what I had been wanting to do since I was thinking of him at that Frozen Yogurt place when I thought of his cheeks and how I loved their shape & texture. I took my hand and rubbed my palm against it, softly. That was it. That was the moment that I had been wanting from him. It wasn’t sex. It wasn’t him being my boyfriend. It was that one moment of me caressing his cheek that I had been wanting to do since I first tried that frozen yogurt treat as I sat alone on that couch that, finally, fully satisfied me. That was what I was waiting for the entire time that I had known him. That one moment meant more to me than any crazy sexual interlude he would ever provide me with or the frisky frenzy of my first time the previous night. His soft & supple cheek filled the void that I had been desperately trying to fill over the last year. He closed his eyes as he felt my touch. I think he liked it. I think he ...needed it. I think he needed it just as much as I did. He needed me & I needed him. I realized that when I did it. I moved my hand away from it, slowly, and I bent down to kiss him. I kissed his cheek. I left it there, though. It was a lingering kiss. It was a long and sweet one where my lips caressed his cheek’s skin. It was my way of my soul whispering to him- “I’ll save you, Salem...” I didn’t turn my back on him. I didn’t turn away. I didn’t judge him or hate him. I didn’t leave him. I didn’t miss my chance. I kissed him right on his cheek. If I had the choice to stay or to leave, to “Kiss” or to “Miss” my chance with him, I stayed. I kissed. As I was about to get up to leave, I heard- “Johnny?” ”Uhm-yeah?” I asked. In that same sing-song voice, again, he asked, almost robotically, “Could I have some Orange Juice please? It’s my favorite...” He said. I don’t know why, I teared up and my vision became blurry as I said in a choked up way- “Uhm- uh- yeah... sure, okay.” I got up, from my knees, and slowly made my way to my kitchen where my mom was. ”Hey hon- how’s everything? It’s getting late. You two have fun?” She said as she was setting the table for Tommorow so that it was clean & prepared for breakfast. I said, blankly, looking at the tiles on the floor in her direction, “Yeah, Uhh. We were just playing a game... We’re just playing...”
  9. I like hard to get.⛓🖤 It’s my favorite. But, don’t worry. I’ll feed the hungry & clothe the naked...
  10. Chapter 6- ~The Gun Of Fun - The Game Of Shame~ “You gonna be there, bro, or what?” I read on my iPhone as I sat down, slumped, in my one piece chair & desk, four rows into the classroom of my Algebra class. I didn’t reply. Salem was asking me, in text, if I could meet him outside of school near the side entrance by his locker which was right next to the school cafeteria. It was already 2:13pm with only 17 minutes left for school to depart, yet, I felt as though I had just entered those cold, steel metal school doors, earlier that morning, at 7:30am. The day flew past me. I was in a daze. And, at that moment, I didn’t feel anything, at all, except for… hollow. I felt empty, somehow. I felt used. Why? I don’t know. I didn’t feel like myself. That Monday afternoon, I had concluded that from that moment on, I would never be or feel like myself in the same way, anymore, ever again; and, I wasn’t. That was just the reality. As Mr. Duelberry continued his Algebra 1 lecture for us new coming freshman, I viewed Salem’s text in my Iphone’s notification strip on my lock screen. I was meticulous enough to hide behind the blonde kid in front of me. Charlie’s body was my “shield” that I used in order to ensure that our teacher wouldn’t see what I was doing on my phone. And, that’s when I, finally, came to the realization as I blankly stared at his blonde locks of hair; I-I wasn’t a virgin anymore. I stared into nothing. I always did that when I was lost or didn’t know what to do about something serious that I was currently going through. It was my way of “reflecting” on my current situation to try to figure things out for myself. Some people go for a walk. Some exercise. Some people smoke, drink, or do drugs. Some people spend money. Some even binge eat until they’re stuffed to their face in order to numb their feelings or think things through as they do their little “habits”. Me? I stare into nothing, shut down, & close off from the world & become quiet. I have nothing to say. Why would I? Even if I said anything, it wouldn’t change the reality of my current predicament, anyway. So, I prefer to shield myself from society & the outer realms of this world & figure things out. It’s just my personality, I guess. I’m not, exactly, the most outgoing person. I’m more artistic and intricate, I suppose. I’m not really shy, I would say. But, I’m certainly not a loud mouth & I’m sort of quiet sometimes I guess. I speak when I have to and I won’t when I don’t, especially, if I have something going on or when something is on my mind. I bit my bottom lip, nervously, as I heard the teacher continue talking. Does having… sex with another boy technically count as not being a virgin anymore? I wasn’t sure. It was not a question that I ever thought I would have to ask myself. I never, in my life, ever thought that I would have... gay sex with someone. EWWW. The thought of those words coming into my mind or going into my mouth to dare to speak them out loud made me cringe. And… the reality was, I was alone. I had no one to go to. Who could I possibly ask? No one. I established, after some long thought of 30 minutes in that class, that I’d have to look that up on the internet, for myself, either on my phone or on my mom’s laptop, as awkward of a search as it would be for me to even to type those words. As I sat there on my little hard chair, I couldn’t help but feel exposed & gross. I just felt dirty, guilty, & disgusting. Not only did I just have gay sex at the age of 14, something that my family would all frown upon, but, it was with a boy that I had only known for ONE WEEK! ...Ughh! What’s my problem? To me, as I sat there, it was like all eyes were on me & all of the other kids in my class around me were looking at me, somehow, knowing all of the lewd things that Salem & I were doing to each other last night in private. I felt like... such a whore! It may seem mental, but, it seemed like they could all see me completely naked, somehow, while I just sat there as they all looked at me with disgust. I just wanted to hide myself from everyone so that they couldn’t see my naked body & skin, anymore, as bare as the day that I was born & brought into this world. It was like they were watching all of the things that Salem had done to me & to the different parts of my body and were, all, either, shrieking in horror or pointing & laughing at us. I was like a plastic doll. At that moment, I had turned into a hollow, empty manikin with no soul. A little frown, involuntarily, curved onto my mouth as I thought that. I squirmed around in my chair & just started to hug myself as I hunched over a bit. I just wanted to leave. Don’t get me wrong, I liked it. I loved it. I liked everything about yesterday & all of the new things that I was ...taught. Everything that we were doing really... excited me. I loved how raw it all was. And, that’s, exactly, what I felt so bad about. That’s why I felt so guilty about the whole thing. I was guilty. I was guilty of liking it so much. I was guilty of liking it as much as I did & that was the worst part of it all. What Salem was doing to me & how our bodies were all entangled with one another’s, truly, made me feel feelings & sensations, both, physically & emotionally that I would have never even dreamed of being able to feel before in my life, especially, with someone that I barely knew; especially, someone like him. It was amazing. It was great. It was so hot. Oh, God! I remember, even, yelling at one point. I, honestly, do not understand how my mother didn’t even hear me. Thank the Lord that she didn’t. Could you imagine? Could you imagine her hearing her own son helplessly & involuntarily shriek in absolute bliss & pleasure? To be completely honest, thinking about when Salem taught me what to do, how to prepare myself, how to not be afraid, and how to position myself, correctly, so that I could get the most pleasure out of our special & personal interlude that we shared with one another, exposing my deepest and most private parts with him in the most erotic & intimate way as I positioned myself to him as he did his business & had his way with me, I thought one thing to myself, as I sat in my desk that afternoon, just before the final bell rang, which honestly concerned me… “How did Salem even know how to do all of those things so well in the first place?” Sure, he was a year older than me, but, he really knew what he was doing. It was odd. It was almost as if he was a professional at it, somehow. Which I guess sort of makes no sense. But, that’s how he acted. Not one doubt, not one shy expression, not one questioning face, look, thought, or phrase was expressed by him that would reveal to me that he doubted anything that he and I were doing. It was almost as if it was nothing to him. He talked like it was just casual. He even said, in a blank & low voice, the same way that someone would recite a definition of a spelling word from the dictionary for homework- “No, ...lift your leg like that.” He said it with a blank expression as he spoke in low monotone. Don’t get me wrong. Oh my god. He reeeeeeallly knew what he was doing. But, I wondered why he didn’t talk or act more, like, I don’t know, sweet and loving or intimate. Is that the word? Intimate? Am I too young to want intimate emotions from a schoolmate of mine? Isn’t that for, like, married couples or something? I even would have liked a smile or something. I wanted something sweet or cute, or fluffy. I don’t know. I don’t know! Did I want something romantic? I don’t know. But, it wasn’t like that, at all. It just wasn’t. It was... different. As he explained, to me, how to do it and what to do, during some of the moments when we were switching positions on my very own bed that I slept in, I asked him how he knew all of that stuff as I was out of breath & sweaty & he replied with a simple- “Don’t...” as he just stopped for a second and glared right into my eyes with a blank look making his own eyes look… almost, black & empty. He looked at me for a moment as he held my leg by my ankle over his shoulder as he knelt on my bed &, then, just continued to have his way with me as if I had said nothing at all. Did he, like, do all of this stuff before back at his home? Looking at my phone’s clock again on my lock screen, that’s when I realized- I didn’t think Salem was a virgin when I met him; not at all. It may sound funny, but, I always imagined when I first had sex I’d be at least 17 with a girlfriend. That was the dream and the fantasy that, abruptly, came to an end, less than 24 hours ago. But, being truthful with myself, as I sat at that school, feelings for girls never really came for me in that way in the first place, anyway. I mean, the only girl that I ever really had feelings for was an old best friend, Melissa, I’d play on the swings with every other day in 1st grade. But, that was more of a cousin type of feeling, and probably just came from us being so young. But, with Salem, it was a whole world of feelings and sensations, physically and mentally, that would involuntarily occur whenever he did, even, the simplest of things. I liked him. I liked him more than anyone in this world & I couldn’t deny his addicting ways. He was like drinking black water. It was dark in some ways, and you wondered if it was toxic in any way. You prayed that it was safe to consume & was not fatal. But, you are so thirsty that you drink and chug the water taking your chances, anyway. That’s what Salem was for me. He was my Black Water. He was my Pretty Poison. And, I loved it. I drank it. All the cards on the table, I gambled and took my chances. I felt the most awkward feeling that I had ever felt before in my life, last night, when Salem had to leave and my mother looked at me after she shut the door behind him and she commented. “He’s so nice. I’m glad you’re making friends, sweetie.” And, then, casually, just walked right up to me and kissed my forehead like she always did ever since I was a baby. I felt like a zombie with no eyes as I slowly walked back to my room from the kitchen in a robotic fashion. I felt like I was no one. I felt like I was dead and I was “the ghost of Johnny Applebee” floating around my halls as if I wasn’t amongst the living anymore and did not deserve to be there and was no longer welcome as I dwelled back to my room. Staring at the messy bed in front of me, I replayed, in my mind, the frisky frenzy of love making that I, myself, had just partaken in. If my mommy only knew what her son was just doing in his bedroom alone with a stranger that he was just getting to even know, she would- I don’t even know. She would shriek in horror, or scream at us, or worse, cry and wonder who her baby boy was or has become, or what he even was to begin with the whole time she even knew him. The truth was, that previous night was all shameless until it was over. Am I what you would call, I don’t know... a slut or whatever? That’s gross. I’m disgusting. What’s happened to me? I regretted even coming to school for some reason, that day. I just wished that I was somewhere alone. “Hello?” I saw Salem’s text. He was, obviously, wondering why I had not been answering that whole time, so I, finally, decided to pick up my phone and communicate to him for the very first time since I had seen him last night when he kissed my lips, goodbye, sweetly & lovingly in such an adult and romantic fashion as he held my hips before exiting my room door and then exiting my kitchen side door while my mom & I were directly behind him. I didn’t even know how BADLY his family reacted to us just leaving in a hurry that, afternoon. I was also embarrassed about THAT. Yesterday was just a MESS. I have to talk with them soon and apologize. One thing is for sure, those last 48 hours have been psychotic. “Yeah, sure.” I responded back abruptly. ——————- After I had left my class, I was waiting for Salem to appear outside as I leaned my back against the school’s brick wall as I stared at the sky, hearing ruckus from the other kids exiting the school’s walls and halls. “Hey.” I heard his brisk voice echo into my ear and I felt a warn moisture caress my cheek. He’s kissing me on the cheek on the school grounds? Is he nuts!? Oh my god. I turned to him and he had just this dreamy hazy smile on his lips. Okay. I won’t lie. He looked so... so... uhm. He looked so- awwww. He looked so cuuute. He was wearing a bright white t- shirt with black text which said “BRUH.” On the front. And black slim fit pants on with Puma Basketball Purple kicks on. I don’t know why. I just loved his style. I never saw him wear white before and it just really illuminated his face and contrasted so sharply with his blue black hair and green eyes. He looked so out of this world. I just stopped for a moment, stunned by his boyish beauty, against my will, and he just touched my cheek and caressed it, slowly and lovingly, as he sweetly and dreamily said “HIIII.” to me in a low voice and smiled with half-opened eyes. My mouth opened. He was being so sweet with me. He was being so gentle. He was being so affectionate with me. He was completely different from the way he was when we were in my own room on my bed as we were both completely naked and rubbing our bodies all over one another. Why? Why wasn’t he like this with me last night?! He picks, now, to do this with me in front of everyone? I noticed two kids saw us out of the corner of my eye as the setting sun was shining on them with his hand on my cheek and they just stopped walking, immediately. One pointed at us as they looked. Two more of their friends saw & they just stared at us. Two were smiling. One was wide mouthed. The other just looked like they were grossed out. My eyes widened as I backed away from him about a foot. I didn’t move after that. I froze. I was so embarrassed. Salem’s lost his mind. I usually do not cuss. But, in this case my mind literally thought- “What the fu**?” “Salem. Oh my god. Just… can we go, like, somewhere else???” I said, shamefully, looking at the ground as my fists were to my sides as I closed them shut, tightly, as my shoulders were raised, involuntarily, from my own embarrassment. I just wanted to hide from the planet! Ughh! People saw us! I wanted to say that I was not the real Johnny Applebee and that this was all fake and not real. This couldn’t be real. This couldn’t be real life. Right? It, wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. No way. Nope! This is not me! I thought as I breathed really hard, feeling my chest hurt from my own panic. I began to think to myself- People will... people will think that I’m gay! Or... know that I was. Wait.... am I GAY??!! I just remember screaming that in my head and, finally, asking myself the “Big Question” for the very first time, since I had even first met the boy who had made me feel feelings that I hadn’t shared for anyone of my own gender before. I asked the very serious question in regards to my own sexual orientation to myself at quite the public time and place... you know, in front of four kids looking directly at me with Salem holding his hand on my cheek caressing me and holding me. Nothing awkward or overwhelming there! Nope! I heard one kid giggle at us. And, I also heard one girl saying -“Shhhh.” One other kid said- “Stop, its-.” I could of sworn that she said the word “Cute” but, I was too embarrassed and light headed to really pay attention or even hear them, to be honest. Honestly, I felt like I had left my own body for a moment as I just looked at the ground, hearing their banter. “What?” He asked as if nothing he was doing was even out of the ordinary. “People can see….” I said in a low quick voice as I did not stop staring at the grass. “Oh.” He responded. He sniffed after about five seconds and just looked around and said. “Wana get out of here, man? Come on. I’ll buy you a treat or something. Maybe a slurpy?” He said. I guess those kids left before he could really spot them. But, they saw. They saw us. Thinking of all of the horrible possibilities that could bring us, I really didn’t respond right away. I was fighting the urge to just cry to be honest. My eyes hurt in the same way that they would when you try your hardest to hold back tears. You know, when you try to “swallow” them with your eyes before they get a chance to surface and come out. And, that’s probably, because that’s exactly what I was doing at that moment. The world was spinning and I just felt so awkward and just... weird. Didn’t he see something wrong about this? I know Salem is a strong character and a tough mind to beat. But, wasn’t this all crossing some very serious invisible line of “casual” behavior that even someone like him might pass off as a bit too aloof? There was, definitely, something off and different about Salem and his behavior as compared to anyone else that I had ever met or seen, to be honest, and I just couldn’t figure it all out, yet, or what it’s source or cause was. How was he not reacting more to our “friendship” or what we were doing last night? Why was he just asking me to hang out so simply? The last time we even saw each other was at my house. Wasn’t there some missing dialogue to be exchanged, here, after our “Little Honey Moon?” I don’t know! I’m so new at this, that I had nothing else to compare it to. Is this how everyone my age acts when they have a boyfriend? Wait. Was Salem going to be my boyfriend? Was he my boyfriend?! Did I even want a boyfriend? Is that, like, what I ultimately wanted from him? Is that what I had been wanting from him this whole time? So many questions were flying through my head just, then. I had nothing else to say. ”Uhh...” I tried. I really was trying to come back to reality, but, I just couldn’t. I looked up at him. And he had this sweet expression on his face. “I-I don’t know. Uhm. Uhhh.” I was breathing hard. I just couldn’t take it all anymore. I left. Not even looking at him, I started to walk away from him in a fast pace. I didn’t even acknowledge him. I crossed the crossing section in a daze. “Have a nice day, now.” The crossing guard said as I gave him a blank look and kept walking. He probably wondered what my problem was as I walked fast. He also probably wondered why Salem was hollering my name and telling me to slow down as he jogged up to catch up to me as I completely & subconsciously ignored him. After we silently walked next to one another as I walked anywhere and nowhere, subconsciously, heading towards Nelly’s, Salem said “Okay, so 7-11 it is and, then, if you want, we can hit the park and-“ I still ignored him. I just didn’t know what to say or how to react to this. My body was shutting down. I just couldn’t anymore. I looked at him though. He looked at me and waited for my answer. Defeated from what life was throwing at me, emotionally & mentally, at that moment & unable to fight my racing thoughts & questions any longer, I, instinctively said “Okay.” As we just continued our pace to the Main Street where “Sweetie’s” resided. ———— Salem bought me a Black Cherry Slurpy and I was holding it in my hands as we sat down on a dark green wooden bench, with the old paint beginning to peel off of its surface, all alone at the little park by the Main Street. This was Jefferson Place, a tiny little park for the young kids in our town to play in with swings, a play place, playground, and benches with some tables for locals to put together a small picnic, if they wished to do so. I have been to the park only one time, before, with my mother, when she wanted to celebrate with me our new town, house, and our move being the beginning of our new lives together on August 20th, about a week after our official move. No one was around at that time, except, for one family celebrating a birthday party. Only, this time, Salem & I were completely alone under the giant oak trees of the park as the fall breeze blew passed us as we sat on the bench by the unused spinkler due to the Season change. He kept talking about his day at school and this new kid, Max. He claimed that he was “Cool” enough to actually hang with and was a junior at Chestnut High School. I, finally, spoke up. “Salem, don’t you wana talk about... last night?” I asked him, shyly, looking at the ground as my feet rocked back and fourth as they hung from the bench. I wondered why he didn’t even flinch to even talk about it all with me. It was embarrassing to talk about. But, I felt that we needed to say something. I mean, I just shared my most intimate parts with him that no one else, in this world, has ever seen except for my own parents when I was a baby, possibly my aunt and uncle, as well, for a diaper change or a bath, back in the old toddler days, and he says nothing. I was really nervous to even think about it all, much less discuss it. I mean. Did he like my body? Did I look nice enough for him? Was it good enough for him? This is so awkward. It was so weird! He saw me fully naked... He’s seen me, entirely. And, he just talks about casual friend stuff with me? “Oh, yeah. Hmmm. I had a great time. You were so good. Thanks.” I said nothing for about 30 seconds. Thanks? Thanks? That’s it? Excuse me for asking, but, thanks?!!! What’s wrong with this kid? I couldn’t even believe that. He’s just talking about this like I just lent him a video game of mine, which I don’t even play mind you. He’s treating this all like we were just playing each other in a game of air hockey at the arcade. Is he serious? I was so shocked!!!! “I, honestly, thought you wouldn’t have been okay with that last bit. But, I was wrong. Glad you were. You were sooo good. God. Next time if you want, lemme-“ I was lost in a daze of my own mind. He was treating me like I was a piece of meat. He was talking to me like we were trading baseball cards. I remember thinking to myself as I sat there.-“This isn’t like playing Pokémon cards, here, Salem. I’m not your Pikachu. You can’t just capture me in a poke ball and expect me to do whatever you want and not at least acknowledge me in a serious way, about all of this. I - I LIKE you. I want you. I want you so badly. Don’t you- don’t you like me, too? Don’t you like me the way that I like you? I care about you a lot and I don’t really understand why. I feel like I’ve known you for years. I don’t know why. But, I just want more. I don’t even know what I want or what I am looking for from you. But, there’s something missing. Something’s wrong, here. There’s a hole that isn’t filled. This can’t be how everyone acts in a relationship, if that’s even what this is. I don’t know WHAT you call this! I don’t know why, but, something is off. Something’s wrong, here. This can’t be normal, though, whatever we are doing. Something bad is happening. And, I have a very strange & bad feeling about what I’m getting involved in.” I thought as I looked around the park, nervously, as though some evil spirit was looking at us and haunting our very lives and causing all of this to happen. I don’t know why. But, I just felt “watched”. I just had a bad feeling about everything that was going on, about his family, & about him. I didn’t know what it was. But, you know that “natural instinct” you get when you just sense something wrong or when something bad is going to happen or already is? I got that feeling. It was terrible. And, I didn’t like it at all. My eyes widened & I just got so nervous. This was all just very weird. He wasn’t acting normal. Salem is just weird. I began to remember all of the things that Sarah had told me about Salem and the warning she had given to me, especially about him almost attacking her and not remembering her, and also how we weren’t allowed to be alone together. All of his behavior is just odd. I mean, he just had crazy wild sex with me and he’s acting like we were... I don’t know, “playing around” or something. Is this a game to you Salem? Are we just playing a game? He was acting like we were, casually, at summer camp, playing “Connect 4” or “Checkers”. He was talking to me as if I gave him all of his favorite colored skittles in one bag that he loved to eat as I organized them all for him and gave them to him as a friendly present. I don’t even know what else he was saying. I ignored him, subconsciously. I wish I hadn’t though. It might have put some pieces together in this puzzle that we were both trapped inside of which had a million missing pieces for me to figure out just what the hell was going on. ————— Eventually, we made it back to my house, as shocking as it may seem. He convinced me to bring him back, which, my mother had absolutely no problem, whatsoever, in allowing. I was defeated to even fight him. Apparently, he didn’t even want to go home as his father was still angry about me being over there yesterday and didn’t feel like “dealing with the drama.” So, as crazy as it was, I was sitting on my bed waiting for Salem to come back from the bathroom, hours after we had left the park. I was lost as to what to say to him when he came back into my room. Oh my god. What if- what if he wants...uhm, sex with me again? Were we going to do it again?! NO!!! I was too scared for that. What would happen if we did it? What would happen if he wants to and I, like, said- “No”? He’d kill me! Would Salem... make me? My eyes widened as I thought that. I was getting so nervous. I already felt violated just sitting there and squeezed my legs together in a nervous manor almost as if to hide my penis & anus from the world & from him. He DID make me feel good. But, I was scared, nonetheless. What was going to happen? Is that another reason why he wanted to come back there the very next day? Did he just want some more? I didn’t know. He was unpredictable after all. My mom WAS there if he chose to do something to me or attack me some more. But, if I said anything, she’d know what him and I had been doing. I couldn’t allow that! No way! She’d hate me! NO!!!! What do I do? What do I do?! I was getting so nervous, that, I rubbed my fingers together, quickly, and just bounced my leg a bit making my knee bop up and down as I sat there. What if Salem hurts me? I wanted to cry still, but, I didn’t. Before he went to use the restroom, the entire time that he was in my room, those few hours, he was on his phone, texting & talking to people; he barely even spoke a word to me. It was like I wasn’t even there. He just laid out on my bed with one leg laid out, straight, in front of him & another with his knee up. I guess he didn’t really have much to say to me & Salem wasn’t really a “Small Talk” type of person. And, personally, I couldn’t even figure out what to say to him, either. I was too shy & nervous. The silence made it worse. And, I suppose, to him, that type of casual silence among friends was normal where he was from. For me, however, it was awkward & nerve shattering. Whoever he was on the phone with was talking with him a lot, though. *VRRRP VRRRP* I heard his phone vibrate as a text came in. I ignored it as it was on my bed. I was tired and wanted to lay down, though. But, it was in my way. I was so stressed from what had occurred in my life those last three days. I sat another minute, there, just trying to calm down, nervously regretting his return. *VRRRP VRRRP* Another message came in. I looked out my window from where I was and noticed the sun was almost fully set. I wondered what time it was. If Salem was in trouble for having me as company the night before, I, certainly, didn’t want him getting in any MORE trouble for having been at my house so late. Oh, wait. Did they even know that he was at my house the day before? This is terrible! They’d murder us. I decided to peek at his phone to see what time it was as mine was still charging. I forgot to charge mine that previous night. Could you blame me? However, what I saw on his notification screen would change my life forever. ”Haha. Your roof just ain’t the same without you, bruh. It’s all cold blooded. I’ll let her know you told me, though. Don’t worry, Raven. I gotchu.” I saw on the notification strip of his Galaxy phone from where it layed down on my bed as I bent my body from where I was sitting on its edge to view it. Huh? Raven? Who’s that? My door was open so I didn’t hear Salem come back inside of my room, even on my wooden floor, especially, since he was wearing those sporty, specialty purple Puma’s on his feet with the special soft bottoms. And, I noticed his feet standing there about three feet from where I was. I looked up. He was staring at his phone screen, seeing the message; the message that he just saw me reading when I thought he wasn’t around. And his eyes went from his phone to me. “...” He said nothing for a moment. But, his throat made a sound. Inhaling, slowly, from his nose in an unnatural manor, he slowly said to me in a low whisper, so weirdly, “...what’re YOUUU doing?” He gave me a look that seemed -dead. He literally looked like he was dead. He didn’t move at all. It was so creepy. He closed his eyes and shut his fists to his sides. He kept his eyes shut for about 7 seconds. Then, he opened them. He lifted his chin up, very slowly, not once looking away from me. I didn’t mean to read his text! I, honestly, didn’t! But, whoever this “person” was or Raven was.... I didn’t think Salem wanted me to know about any of it at all. Not one bit. And I regretted it with every ounce of my being as I sat there in my dimly lit room. He didn’t say anything or move for 10 whole seconds as we just stared at each other and neither did I. He turned around & walked over to my door. He closed it &, then, locked it. I didn’t know what was happening. But, what would occur within the next 15 minutes would change my view of this boy, forever. And I would, finally, learn, once and for all, who he really was.
  11. Black Paper

    The Task

    The Task You know what you have to do as you continue. You knew. It is true. You can deny it all you want. But, that will, only, haunt. Don’t deny it. Do not try it. You can be in denial on this trial, all the while, But, it will, only, take away your smile. Do not hesitate to change your fate, Or, you will be late. You already were. You already are. If you read this, now. You could have gone far. You delayed what could have been made. Do you think this Page does not know? It knows you. It knew you from the start. It knew you from the beginning. But, it has no beginning. It is smiling at you. It is, somehow grinning.... Yes, this book is strange. But, it just wants you to change. It wants you to do what you were meant to do. It wants you to do what you’re supposed to. Do it. You know it. You knew it. Go. Say, “Yes.” Don’t say “No.”
  12. Black Paper

    Chapter 31

    Even those who are extremely less fortunate have the ability to obtain flip phones and other standard communication electronics, either by the government for free, or at a very reasonable price with very standard features such as text messaging, and internet 3G or edge network browsing. I don’t know if I’d say Derick is “Dirt Poor”. I think they are less fortunate in obtaining the luxuries of recreation that standard society gets to enjoy, but, remember, many of those “dirt poor” names and labels were directly coming from the rich kids, themselves, in an attempt to bully Derrick who are far more financially fortunate & stable then Derrick and his mom. Also, those names were also exaggerations made on purpose by them just to bully Derrick and make him feel worse about himself and also Derrick, himself, in his own monologue exaggerates his situation as he is a kid and views his own living situation a bit worse than it really is as he compares himself to other pupils his own age as all kids do.
  13. Black Paper

    The Past II

    The Past III You cannot move on, Until the Past is gone. If you look back at what was black, You will never make a comeback. You know you have to go. Stop denying the truth. If you are old, Stop denying your youth. Stop wishing you could. Stop wishing you would. Stop doubting you should. Stop holding onto to what was there. You are holding onto despair. Give, now, not a single care. Look forward to the future. Know it is good, for sure. Give it a smile, knowing, It will be worth while.
  14. Black Paper

    Boy Valentine

    “I hate Valentine’s Day.” -I love that you start with this.
  15. Hello, everyone! I just thought I’d share this little poem I just wrote with you all about how important Patience is! Sorry, I have not been around the last few weeks. I have been a bit busy. Thank you!🍷 Patience Slow & Steady wins the race. You don’t need to run all over the place. You don’t need to hurry. You don’t need to worry. In order to grow, flowers take time. Never forget this intuitive rhyme. Do the work that, only, makes sense. Never forget this sentence. Never forget to have Patience.
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