Buy Me a Drink - 1. Chapter 1

“Looks like Bmad’s got another one.”

Have you ever heard the phrase ‘hot mess’? Bmad is a hot mess. I know this because I heard Daisy call him that last weekend. Thus it must either be a cool new term, or else Daisy was just pretending to have a personality. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, let me bring you up to speed.

It’s Friday night, a little after midnight, and I’m doing what I do every Friday and Saturday night. I’m leaning against the back bar in Bender’s talking to Jake – professional bartender/amateur A-gay observer – and watching Mick, my best friend, take off his clothes for money.

Now I’m sure you’re all wondering what a nice boy like me is doing in a place like Bender’s. Actually you may just be wondering what type of place Bender’s is at all. Well, you’re in luck because I’m about to tell you. Bender’s is the hottest, busiest gay club in Houston. Trendy, forgettable name with a subtle references to drugs and partying, low lights, loud music, half naked guys…Let’s just say it’s not the first place you would think to look for an average, regular sort of guy like me. Well, actually given my routine I suppose it IS the first place you would look for me on a Friday night.

Anyway, you’re not looking. I am. Right at my best friend’s killer thighs and scantily clad, but very well endowed, package. See I’m his “boyfriend”. Well not really. I’m his pretend boyfriend. Have you ever heard the rumors? You know… the ones about how all the strippers at gay clubs are straight. Well guess what? They’re true. At least they are in Mick’s case.

Mick is my really cool, straight best friend – I’m sure you could smell the cliché coming. Only Mick’s got a twist – and I’m not just talking about his thong. Mick is completely fucked up. He’s a philosophy major – that explains it right? Speaking of philosophy, did you know Kant is rumored to have died a virgin? I think he’s Mick’s role-model. See Mick, while a total exhibitionist, is completely and utterly terrified of sex. As a result he doesn’t date – well unless you count me – so in many ways I suppose Mick’s sexuality is altogether irrelevant in the first place.

Anyway, I’m just his cover. Let me tell you how all this works. We go to Bender’s, he strips, makes lots of money, we go to Frank’s Diner, eat cheese fries, and then we go home – see we’re also roommates. My major role in this whole little endeavor, apart from checking Mick out, is simply to make sure that no one else tries to take him home. So he says, ‘I’ve got a boyfriend’, I wave, and horndog wonders what in the hell a guy with Mick’s body is doing with me. It’s the perfect plan.

The setup isn’t so bad for me either, even when you discount the lusting after my hot friend and all the free food and drinks that is. See, I’m a sociology major and a psychology minor - that’s how I have the world-class expertise to recognize Mick’s fucked uppedness. Anyway, Mick and I had a bunch of classes together and we got to be friends in that way that liberal arts majors do, and the next thing you know he was proposing the stripper – err sorry, Mick prefers ‘exotic dancer’ – slash fake boyfriend plan.

Naturally I argued at first on the basis that he wasn’t gay and didn’t date anyway, but then Mick started going on and on about how the true nature of a boyfriend is unknowable anyway and some other crap, so finally I just said I’d do it to shut him up. Worked pretty well too…not just the him shutting up part either, I mean the whole plan.

So he started stripping on the slower nights, was really good at it – I mean just look at the guy! – and before you knew it they were giving him Friday and Saturday nights, which believe me, is very lucrative if you know how to work it, and if there’s one thing Mick knows how to do, it’s work it.

Oh yeah, back to why this is a sweet deal for me, see as a sociology major, who *gasp* even wants to become a sociologist someday, I’m going to need a dissertation. And what better way to get said dissertation than doing an in-depth study of life, lust, alcoholism, and rampant drug use as they occur in a trendy gay club. Of course the fact that my super-hot best friend just happens to work there is just icing on the cake. Yep, I think I said this before: it’s the perfect plan!

Anyway, now that you know Mick, let me introduce you to my co-observer, Jake the bartender. Have you heard the rumors? You know… about the bartenders at gay clubs being straight? Anyway, you see where this is going. Jake, whose real name is actually Marcus by the way – he just thought ‘Jake’ sounded like a cooler gay bartender name – is what you would call a natural, unofficial observer of the human species. I suppose that’s why he had to become a bartender in the first place actually. I mean it was probably either that or hair-dresser, and like I said, he’s not really gay.

So Jake’s cool, he gives me free – or nearly free, depending on whether the owner is around or not – drinks and we stand around people watching. Me making notes, him making tips. Like I said: perfect system.

Anyway, Jake is the Bmad spotter in this instance, and as I look away from Mick’s perfectly formed abs, I see that he has indeed found his next victim.

Bmad is of course just what Jake and I call him. It comes from the fact that his trademark line is “Buy me a drink?” or Bmad. Anyway, Bmad is like the epitome of shallow, self-obsessed, insecure A-gays. He’s about 6’, light brown hair with subtle blonde highlights, glaringly white and impossibly straight – and believe me that’s the only part of him that is – teeth, perfect tan, and a smooth, lean, swimmer’s body. Bmad is also woefully incompetent when it comes to keeping track of shirts…or underwear. So he usually just parades around topless in skin tight jeans – gotta show off your best assets right? – with a belt carefully selected to go with whatever type of wrist or neck adornment he’s chosen for the evening.

Anyway, Bmad has a system of his own. Every Friday and Saturday night he shows up with his crew: ‘Daisy’, ‘Giorgio’, and ‘Cosmo’ - more on them later - and he gets free drinks all night, eventually settles on a trick, and then goes home, presumably to get his brains – such as they are – fucked out.

Here’s what happens, he and the gang show up around 11, sometimes a bit later, and he scans the crowd. He selects the loneliest, neediest looking guys, sidles up to them from behind, throws an arm around their neck, slides around to the front (making sure to maintain maximum body contact of course), flashes them a seductive grin, and says in a playful voice, “buy me a drink?” Naturally they do, he takes the drink, smiles, and says something along the lines of “thanks man”, and goes giggling back to the gang. After repeating this three, four, sometimes five times – ensuring he has a good buzz on – he selects a bedmate he deems worthy, plies his twinkish charms, and leaves with the guy, usually after he’s gotten a couple more drinks out of him.

Now that I’ve introduced the principal characters let me tell you about his entourage. Across the bar watching the events unfold with ‘go girl’ glee we have Daisy. So named, by Jake, because he always starts a tab with his Daisy Duck print credit card. Daisy is your standard ultra-femme, screaming bitch. I doubt he has even an ounce of body fat, but he’s also just muscular enough to avoid the Auschwitz look. Tonight he’s selected skinny jeans, a stomach baring turquoise tank top, and a very sheer, small white scarf which he has thrown around his neck unwound and backward, choker style so that it flows behind him as he walks.

Next up is Giorgio, so named, again by Jake, because he always wears Giorgio Armani cologne. Giorgio is the talk, dark, and handsome type and I’m pretty sure he’s Hispanic. His style is best described as luxurious high fashion. He doesn’t speak often, but he has the ‘cock of the roost’ strut thing going, and rarely fails to turn heads.

Finally, we come to Cosmo, so called because he always has a Cosmopolitan Martini in his hand. Shockingly, Jake and I get the impression that he might actually be a nice guy. We conclude this because he tips well, is both polite and friendly, and occasionally even smiles apologetically when the others get particularly out of hand. He also never goes home with anyone. He usually just stands with the others until they start selecting their ‘final entertainment’ for the night, then he stays near Giorgio and his trick until they leave.

And that’s the cast in this little club-scene drama. Bmad has just gotten his drink from Jake, and now he’s extracting himself from ‘lonely guy #3’. LG3 looks pissed that he’s been taken advantage of – which happens from time to time, but not often – there would probably be a confrontation…Would be that is, if Giorgio hadn’t just walked up glaring at LG3. And as Cosmo smiles apologetically and Daisy bobs his head and rolls his eyes, all is pretty much going according to script at Bender’s on this Friday night.

It was the last thing I was expecting. I was just leaning against the bar, casually appreciating Mick’s pecs, when the next thing I know someone was against my back. Then I felt a hand go around my neck, and then the beautiful guy slid around front – maintaining maximum body contact – and gave me a seductive grin and I swear I got so light headed and weak in the knees, that his question/statement caught me off guard in spite of myself.

“Buy me a drink?”

This is definitely NOT according to script. Bmad does not use me…he doesn’t even notice me. I’m not that lonely. I’ve got Jake to talk to and Mick to lust after. I’ve got notes to take and free drinks to consume. Where does he get off thinking I’m lonely and pathetic? Who the hell does he think he is anyway? Coming over here, hanging on me, and trying to cast his charms. Doesn’t he realize I know his game? That I’m not going to fall for his shit. Still…he is a ‘hot mess’ and all I can do is smile weakly as he hypnotizes me with his eyes.

Damn it! I’m not going to be another LG for Daisy to roll his eyes at or Cosmo to apologize to! I’m not. I won’t…well I do get free drinks from Jake…what’s the harm? NO! That’s stupid.

“I’m straight” I mutter feebly. Give me a break; it’s the first thing I could come up with. Besides, Jake and Mick are straight…why couldn’t I be too? So what if I’m not a stripper – err ‘exotic dancer’ – or a bartender with a phony name? I could be straight damn it! Well I could be if he hadn’t just brushed his hand along my ass.

“I’m straight,” I repeat again with more resolve.

“I’m thirsty,” he responds with an impish grin.

Finally I break his gaze and glance toward the bar. Unsurprisingly perhaps, the first thing I see is Jake, and he’s holding his hand up. Why is he holding his hand up? He looks like he wants a high five. Why the hell does Jake want me to give him a high five, he knows I’m about to be dicked over. Wait, he’s lip saying something. ‘Fine’ no that’s not it… ‘Five!’ it’s ‘five!’ He’s saying ‘five’, that’s why he’s holding up his hand, he’s trying to indicate ‘five’! …why is he trying to indicate five?

Bmad just looks amused at this point. Amused but undeterred. Wait a minute, FIVE! That’s what number LG he’s on! Jake’s telling me he’s on five! Think. Think! What does five mean?

Oh FUCK! That’s a border number! He might be selecting me to be his hook-up for the evening, but he might just want one more free drink before he selects his real trick. Wait a minute do I want to be his trick in the first place? Another notch on his perfectly coordinated belt. Of course I don’t! He’s a slut and a user.

Yep, he’ll be getting no sex or drinks from this dude. I’m going to tell him to beat it. Hit the road! Go ply your perfectly chiseled trades elsewhere!

“Sure, I’d love to” WHAT! What did I just say?

“Can I get a drink, Jake?” Oh god! I gotta keep this big trap shut before I fall into his big trap!

“You sure, Aaron?” That’s my name by the way.

“Yeah, Jake”

“Red bull and vodka?” Jake asks directing his question to Bmad. That’s what he’s been drinking all evening apparently.

“Emhmm,” Bmad responds lightly.

My heart stops as Jake fixes the drink and passes it to Bmad.

“I’ll put it on your tab, dude,” Jake says with obvious amusement. Oh well, at least there’s not actually a tab. I wonder if that really means that Jake got Bmad the drink. Yeah, that must be what it means. I’m innocent. Jake’s the idiot.

“I’m Ben by the way,” Bmad says casually as he sips his drink.

Wow! Ben huh? Hell, finding out his name was worth the drink…especially since it didn’t cost me anything. Wait a minute…Bmad doesn’t tell his LGs what his name is. That means I am the trick! Woo Hoo; I’m evidently hot enough to be a one night stand. Let me go and celebrate.

“…and you’re Aaron?” Bmad/Ben asks as his face takes on an even more amused, welcoming quality. Damn he’s beautiful. An evil, manipulative slut…but beautiful.

“Uh huh” I’m ever the sparking conversationalist.

“Well Aaron, let me introduce you to some people” Oh hell! I’m going to have to meet Daisy. The last thing I want to do tonight is make small talk with a tweaked out bitch. Maybe I can strangle him with his stupid scarf when Giorgio isn’t looking.

Wait a minute. Who says I have to? I can say ‘no’ right? I’m a big boy…speaking of big boys Bmad/Ben looks to be pretty well blessed in that department himself if the outline I’m seeing is any indication.

At this point Bmad/Ben has his left arm around my waist and his right hand on my stomach. Let’s see if I can remember what happens next. Right, now I’ve got it. As soon as I start walking he’s going to slide his right hand down a bit so that the thumb is hooked into the top of my jeans and the palm is…Yeah, there it is.

“Hey guys, this is Aaron. He’s straight,” Ben says with a gentle mocking tone.

“Straight off a farm,” Daisy says sarcastically. Damnit! Giorgio is paying attention. So much for the scarf idea.

“Ignore him; he’s a bitch. I’m Dave,” Cosmo says with a disarming smile. I knew I was going to like him!

“He is a bitch. I’m Jose,” Giorgio says with a slight Columbian accent. What? I’m good with accents, so shoot me.

“And I’m the bitch,” Daisy finishes the introductions.

“I know” Hey look, I’m a bitch too. Ben actually looks surprised by the proceedings.

“Well, I’m drunk. Wanna drive me home?” Ben inquires confidently, clearly certain of what my answer will be.

“Uhhkay” One day I’m going to say something to him that isn’t in caveman.

It’s a quarter to three when we pull up to a very nice set of condos in midtown.

“Why don’t you come up?” Ben asks as he slowly sweeps his gaze over my body.

Yeah, like I didn’t do that already.

“Actually I have to go meet my roommate at Frank’s” What?! Yeah that’s right, greasy diner cheese fries outweigh steamy sex with an Adonis any day.

Ben looks completely shocked. I doubt this has ever happened to him before.

“Are you really straight?” he asks for clarification.

“Uhh, well no…but I really should be getting back.”

“Yeah okay. Thanks for the ride,” Ben says with obvious irritation as he quickly climbs out and slams his door. And it’s then that I curse myself for trying to use full sentences with him instead of sticking to caveman. The proceedings were going so much better in caveman.

“Well, well, if it isn’t Bmad’s chauffer slash sex toy”

“Shut up, Mick!” I respond testily. There’s going to be testy action one way or another tonight.

“Seriously, dude, what are you doing here?” Mick says more gently as he pushes the plate of cheese fries toward me.

“I didn’t go up.”

Mick takes a second to consider this and briefly glances at the section of table above my waist.

“Yeah, I couldn’t have done that either, man,” he responds genuinely with a freaked out look on his face. He means it even though he knows that’s not what I meant.

“Just leave me alone,” I demand as I shove the cheese fries away and cross my arms petulantly.

“Sorry dude, you wanna just go home?”

“Yeah,” I respond tiredly. Then another thought occurs to me and I start to feel guilty.

“Hey Mick, sorry I ditched you tonight. I guess I’m a pretty crappy boyfriend huh?”

This gets a big grin out of Mick and he claps my shoulder heartily as he stands up.

“That’s okay, man. Jake filled in.”

“Damn, the world really is unknowable isn’t it?” I respond only half jokingly.

“That’s what I keep trying to tell you, Aaron.”