Buy Me a Drink - 3. Chapter 3

“Mick, you’ve had a manicure before right?” I inquire as I sit down on the couch and pour some milk into my Cap’n Crunch.

Mick is sitting on the opposite end of the couch with one leg up on the coffee table and the other crossed underneath him. His hair is doing a serious cow lick thing in the back, and he’s only wearing a pair of boxers, the fly of which is partially open due to his positioning. I’m pretty sure he’s slightly aware of all this and the effect it’s having on me, especially since I couldn’t help but check him out when I sat down, but he looks like he couldn’t care less. He’s probably already forgotten about it.

“Yeah, I get ‘em every couple weeks. All the dancers do, it’d be embarrassing if some queen started making fun of our nails or something while we were performing. Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t hurt,” Mick replies, obviously already well-aware of my motives for asking this particular question.

“Well, yeah, I mean, I didn’t think it hurt exactly. It’s just that…,” I pause unsure how to express what I’m thinking.

“It’s just that what?” Mick prods.

“I don’t know. Like, I guess…I mean what are people going to think?”

“What do you mean?” Mick asks.

“Well you know, I mean, if I get one won’t people think…”

“Whoa whoa, wait a minute here,” Mick says with a laugh as he regards me with pure amusement.

“Are you saying that you’re worried people are going to think you’re gay?” he asks, still smirking.

“Just forget it!” I exclaim irritably as I start to stand up. However, before I get very far, Mick gently grabs my wrist and pulls me back onto the couch. He’s now regarding me with a much more serious and soothing expression.

“Aaron, it’s okay, really. You guys are going to Montrose right? It’s not like anyone’s going to care, and it actually feels kinda good when they massage your hand and arm.” Montrose is the ‘gay district’ by the way.

“I guess. I mean it’s not like I expect people to make fun of me.”

“But you don’t know what to expect and it also makes you feel like your masculinity is being threatened?” Mick half asks half states. Damn him for taking so many psychology classes with me!

“Yeah, I guess,” I admit with embarrassment.

“Well it doesn’t, okay. Listen to me; that stuff doesn’t matter. You can’t be like more or less of a guy. You can be different, but not any more or less. So just relax. You may like it, and if you don’t that’s cool too. None of it changes who you are.”

Not the most eloquent speech in the world, but god I want to hug him. Wait a minute, what’s he doing? He’s hugging me! Oh this is nice. I’m enjoying this. Strong arms, hot guy, real affection… what’s not to like?

“Will you come with me?” I ask a bit weakly after we’ve broken the hug. Okay, I know I’m laying it on thick, but Mick’s a softy so this might work, and I’d really feel better if he were there.

“You mean ‘the other guy’? No way! I don’t think Amanda would take too kindly to that,” Mick responds with a laugh. “Besides, I’ve gotta go work out.”

“But Amanda likes you! I’m sure she’ll get over it. And you’re always working out.”

“Yeah, imagine that, a male dancer that works out. Weird!” Mick replies sarcastically, pretending to be surprised by the notion.

“Pleeeeease.” If I can just keep that ‘e’ going forever I won’t have to do this!

“Sorry, dude. It seriously would kinda defeat the purpose for me to be there. Jake would like shoot us or something.”

“Yeah okay.”

It’s not that I don’t realize Mick is pretty much right. It’s just that I’m really not looking forward to this. Like what’s going to happen anyway? Am I supposed to go around saying, ‘Oh my God! That’s fabulous!’ every time Amanda or Ronnie pick something out? And like, how am I supposed to go shopping with a girl anyway? Won’t she be in a different section or whatever? Oh man! What if I’m supposed to go in the dressing room with Ronnie? I don’t even know the guy for godsake! Is that how this works? This is going to be seriously weird.

________________

I hate being early when other people are late. It drives me crazy!

The plan was for me to meet them at Niko Niko’s at 11:30 for lunch. Niko Niko’s is this Greek café in the heart of Montrose – which, if you’ve been paying attention, you’ll remember is Houston’s gay district. It’s really not even that good – the restaurant I mean, Montrose is pretty cool. Like it’s not bad, but it’s nothing special. It’s sorta like fast food Greek or something. But it’s conveniently placed and apparently it’s ‘Ronnie’s favorite’.

So they were supposed to be here at 11:30, and I got here at like 11:20 or something, and now it’s 11:33, and they’re FINALLY here. Yeah, I know I’m being jerk. Just leave me alone.

“Hey Aaron!” I hear as I suddenly find myself in the middle of another hug. Only this one seems to have boobs interfering with the way hugs ought to work. Yep, Mick’s hugs are way better.

Let me take this opportunity to tell you about Amanda. She’s an average looking sort of girl. You know boobs and stuff. I mean obviously I’m not the best judge of female attractiveness in the world, but all in all I’d say she’s a pretty typical girl. Like nothing stands out that would make me say ‘Wow, she’s gorgeous!’ or ‘Yuck, ugly!’ – I can even put up with the boobs – so yeah: average. Jake’s pretty into her though. They’ve been together for about five months I think. I’m really not sure. I know they had been together for at least two months before Mick and I started ‘the plan’ and met Jake, and we’ve been doing it for about three months now, so yeah I’m thinking they’ve been together for about five months.

Naturally, since Jake is like my best friend after Mick, I’ve met and hung out with his girlfriend a few times. In fact this isn’t even the first boob filled hug she’s given me, but I’ve never hung out with her before when Jake wasn’t also around.

“This is Ronnie. Ronnie, Aaron. Aaron, Ronnie,” Amanda says as she introduces us in the standard fashion and we shake hands.

Speaking of fashion, Ronnie – who does look a bit familiar now that I look at him – is seriously pulling out all the stops when it comes to gay chic. I don’t know enough to recognize the labels often, but I do recognize the D&G on his jeans to be ‘Dolce and Gabbana’. Actually, now that I look at her I’m pretty sure Amanda’s outfit is chosen with care – and considerable money – as well. Yikes! I don’t think Mick gave me enough for this.

“I think he’s scared,” Ronnie says playfully to Amanda when he notices the intimidated way I’m eyeing their clothes as we wait in line to order our food.

“Be nice, Ronnie! You know he’s one of Jake’s best friends,” Amanda reproaches him.

“I’m just kidding,” he says to Amanda, then turning to me he asks, “where do you want to go? I was thinking we could swing by M2M and browse around while Mandy gets her hair done. Then we can meet her at the salon and all get mani's and pedi's. Unless you want to get your hair done too?” He finishes that last sentence in such a way that makes it sound more like a suggestion than a question. Much the same way one might ask a gunshot victim if he’d like to go to the hospital.

M2M is the men’s fashion boutique in Montrose, that much I know even though I’ve never actually been inside. Unfortunately I also know just enough to realize that ‘mani’s and pedi’s’ are manicures and pedicures. Jake DID NOT tell me there would be pedicures involved…

“Umm, OK”

“Ok you want to get your hair done? Or ok you want to go shopping with me while Mandy gets hers done?” Ronnie asks for clarification.

Damn! Which is the lesser of two evils here? I’d be more comfortable with Amanda, but I think feigning interest in clothes might be less traumatic than going through whatever the hell they do to make Ronnie, Ben, Cosmo and the rest of the A-gays hair look like that.

“Uhhh” Yep, when it doubt I always revert back to my native tongue: Cavemanese.

After an uncomfortable pause – well I was uncomfortable anyway – Amanda finally puts me out of my misery.

“Aaron, did you really want to come with us today or did Jake make you?”

“Sir? Sirrr? What can I get you?” An impatient voice asks.

That would be the guy behind the register inquiring about my choice for lunch. Pity I haven’t made one.

“Uhhh. Ummm” See, I’m an equal opportunity Cavemanese speaker. Gay bois, fag hags, moderately cute cashiers in over-rated Greek diners, doesn’t matter to me. I’ve got a grunt and mumble for’em all.

“I like the Spinach Chicken Pita,” Ronnie suggests helpfully. Hell, who knew he could be helpful? I thought he specialized in making things more complicated and difficult for everyone. Musta been a fluke.

“Yeah, I’ll have that,” I tell the cashier, who’s obviously just relieved that I won’t be holding up the line any longer as he takes my money and makes change more quickly than I thought was even humanly possible.

Once we’re seated and digging into our food – Ronnie and I with the Spinach Chicken Pitas, Amanda with her Gyros Sandwich – they turn the topic back to my motives for joining them and I cleverly once again whip out my Cavemanese.

“Oohh umm uhh” It’s advanced vocabulary, but try to keep up.

“So Jake did make you then,” Amanda states, no longer needing anymore confirmation.

“Yeah, he made me,” I admit, “but seriously Amanda, I swear he’s not gay. You know how I always pretend to be Mick’s boyfriend so no one tries to pick him up? Well Friday I left with…” I trail off briefly before finishing that sentence in a slightly different way. “Friday I left Bender’s early so when Mick got finished Jake just sort of filled in for me to do Mick a favor.”

Amanda and Ronnie exchange amused looks and then they both break into hysterical laughter, which only seems to grow stronger and stronger the more the other one laughs.

After several moments Amanda finally composes herself, looks at me, and says, “I know that, Aaron.”

She continues laughing as she adds, “He’s probably the least homophobic straight guy I’ve ever met, but he’s definitely not gay. I mean hell, I’ve certainly been around Ronnie and his friends long enough to know a gay guy when I see one.”

“And Jake wasn’t exactly setting off my gaydar either,” Ronnie interjects.

“Well then why were you mad at Jake?” I ask confused, and more to the point, why am I sitting here going through this?

“I wasn’t mad at him; I was just winding him up,” Amanda replies. After I look at her in amazement for a moment an evil smirk slowly forms on her face and she adds with a wink, “Besides, a lot of the ways he tried to prove that he wasn’t gay were quite enjoyable.”

“Oh girl, you are bad!” Ronnie exclaims as he puts his arms around her and they fall into another laughing fit. And nearly out of their chairs.

“So give us the dish about this guy,” Amanda demands once they’re in a state approaching semi-composure again.

“What guy?”

“The guy you left Bender’s with the other night, thereby forcing my boyfriend into the arms of another,” she says dramatically waving her arms around for effect.

“Yeah girl, you don’t seem like the hook-up type. Are ya’ll going out now or was it just a one time thing?” Ronnie asks. Wait a minute!? Did he just call me ‘girl’?

“It...we…we’re not serious, but it wasn’t a hook-up,” I explain blushing, and then add, “I don’t think he’s even interested anymore.”

“What do you mean?” Ronnie asks.

“I mean he’s not interested!” I snap at him. “I made a fool of myself, and I think he’s pissed off that nothing happened. Not that I’m not already well-aware that nothing would have happened again anyway. He’s strictly a boozy, club kid, slut,” I finish with anger I didn’t even know I had.

“He sounds charming,” Ronnie says sarcastically. “What’s his name?”

“Ben…something, I don’t know.” I respond with a shrug. “I’m sure you’d know him if you saw him. He and his crew are there every Friday and Saturday night.”

“Ben?...wait, wait, by ‘crew’ do you mean Jose, Dave, and Matt?” Ronnie asks suspiciously.

Sounds like he has the right bunch. Hmm, ‘Matt’ must be Daisy. Personally, I still think ‘the bitch’ is more suitable, but I guess his parents thought that would look weird on a birth certificate.

“Yeah, that’s them.” I confirm.

“Matt’s a bitch!” Ronnie remarks angrily. Hey, at least the guy calls a spade a spade.

“Oh, I know,” I respond just as emphatically.

Ronnie is starting to look pretty upset and Amanda is now giving him worried looks.

“So uh, how do you know them?” I ask awkwardly, suddenly uncomfortable by the whole thing.

“Jose and I used to date,” Ronnie explains with forced casualness. Then he bitterly adds, “Until Matt fucked things up.”

I love how the way he said ‘Matt’ is reminiscent of the way one would say ‘pond scum’ or ‘rodent feces’.

“Ohh, dude, uhh I’m sorry.” I mutter weakly. Shockingly I’m beginning to find myself missing the sassy, irrepressible person who was sitting there only moments before.

“Whatever, Jose should have known that bitch was lying, but as far as he’s concerned Matt, Ben, and Dave can do no wrong. I guess when you get right down to it that’s what really screwed up our relationship in the first place.”

He looks a bit wistful now, and I think I’d even be willing to start talking about fashion if it would cheer him up. However, before I find a way to cleverly introduce shoes into the conversation he continues.

“The problem is, Matt is really possessive of the others, especially Jose and Ben. He was jealous of me the minute he realized I was more than a one-night stand to Jose. It’s pretty fucked up actually. Dave and Jose were a couple before I met them, but Dave was actually the most supportive one toward our relationship.” Yep, sounds like the boy I know who has the big heart…and the bigger glass.

Wait a minute! Did he say Cosmo used to date Giorgio? I wonder if that means Giorgio is positive too. Wait if Giorgio is positive…then Ronnie might be. Damn, this is really adding up. It’s not that I don’t trust what Cosmo said about Ben being negative but…well I’m curious now.

“So was Ben ever with any of them?” I ask as casually as I can.

“No, but that’s what I mean, neither was Matt. He was never with Jose or Ben, but he’s still this total jealous, manipulative bitch,” Ronnie explains shaking his hands angrily.

Eventually Ronnie settles down and is silent for awhile, obviously lost in thought.

“So anyway, you’re interested in Ben, huh? Like for something serious?” Ronnie asks much more calmly now having returned from his stroll down memory lane.

“Ohh, umm, well I really have no idea. I mean I think he’s cute…”

“Well yeah,” he chimes in empathically.

“But, I don’t know what he’s like or anything. I mean apart from what I’ve observed. But no, I wouldn’t even think he’s capable of having anything more than a one-time hook-up,” I decide as I give the situation more thought.

“I think he could,” Ronnie contradicts thoughtfully.

“Really?” I ask skeptically.

“Well, he never dated anyone while I knew them, but… I dunno, I could see him possibly being with someone, like long-term,” he says. Then he eyes me critically for a moment.

“But not with that,” he continues as he points and wags his finger at me. Ouch! And to think I was considering talking about shoes just to make him feel better!

Seeing the look on my face he clarifies, “I don’t mean you. I mean, like, your clothes and hair and stuff. Ben is not going to date someone he’d be embarrassed by, and let’s face it, sweetie, who wouldn’t be embarrassed by that shirt.”

Yep, neeeever gonna talk about shoes with him again. I don’t care if his puppy dies and his grandmother falls down a flight of stairs!

“Ronnie, be nice!” Amanda insists as she smacks his arm and gives him a half-angry, half-mortified look.

“It’s not a matter of being nice; it’s a matter of being honest. You’re not a bad looking guy, Aaron, but you’re in desperate need of a make over!”

Amanda opens her mouth, probably to object to the way he’s acting, but Ronnie already knows just what to say to win her over.

“What do you say, Mandy? You in for our own personal version of ‘extreme makeover’?”

After thinking it over for a second she lights up and turns to me, “Well, you did pretty much agree to it already, Aaron. Actually, you even asked for it.”

I don’t know how Amanda feels about shoes, but right now I’m considering making this a blanket no-discuss policy.

“NO! No way! I don’t think so!” I insist with unbendable resolve.

_____________________

Over the next five and a half hours – FIVE and a half hours! – I learned a lot about Amanda and Ronnie. It turns out that they’ve been friends practically their entire lives. They both grew up in River Oaks – which explains how they have the resources necessary to buy high fashion clothes every five minutes – and they went to school together from elementary right through high school. In fact in high school Amanda was even Ronnie’s ‘beard’. Although how that could possibly have fooled anyone is beyond me.

I also found out how Amanda and Jake originally met. Amazingly it happened one night at Bender’s – which of course also explains why she calls him ‘Jake’ and not ‘Marcus’ – she was out with Ronnie and some of his friends and she decided it would be fun to hit on the one straight guy there. I guess it all worked out pretty well! But I mean how ridiculously lucky is that? A straight guy and his straight girlfriend meeting in a gay club? Of course, I guess they did have the whole, ‘way less competition’ thing going for them.

I wish I could say we spent the whole five and a half hour – five and a half hours!! – talking, but unfortunately we spent the time with the two of them making me try on designer jeans, debating whether or not red was a better color on me than green, and if I should get dramatic highlights or if that was ‘so last year’ – which I guess it must have been since in the end they axed the highlights idea completely. Thank god!

By the time all was said and done, I ended up with two new button down shirts, a ridiculously over-priced T-shirt, a pair of jeans, new shoes, a couple of new belts, very soft hands and feet, well-groomed nails, a completely new hair style, and as strange as it sounds, a new friend named Ronnie…and Mick ended up with no money. Actually, I’m pretty sure the cost of everything did go over what Mick had given me, but they insisted on paying for everything at the salon.

Mick won’t mind though, especially since, over the course of the day, Ronnie called up one of his friends, who is about to celebrate his 21st birthday the Thursday after next. Why will Mick be excited about having one more legal alcoholic on the road? Simple, because Ronnie suggested – and alchy-to-be agreed – that a hot male-stripper, whom he promised to refer to as an “exotic dancer” to Mick’s face, would be just what it would take to make his party an even more outrageously memorable event. Well ‘memorable’ unless you count the alcohol induced black outs that is.

This will also be Mick’s first private party, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be game as long as I agree to go with him and do the boyfriend thing. Which I mean, hey, I’m willing to do; he puts money in my hand, I put it in his thong…it’s only fair when you think about it.