Ray of Hope - 10. Chapter 10

Chp10

There are many things that will never make sense to me. The way I felt when I saw that guy kissing Ray is one of them. There was no reason to feel the jealousy I felt, or the instant hurt. Ray wasn’t aware now, nor would he ever be, of how I felt about him. I stood outside the door with Kelly, simply waiting.

“Should we knock?”

“Why don’t we just come back another day?”

“Oh, c’mon Liam. We’re already here.”

“Fine, I’ll knock then.”

I tapped the door softly, the last image I had seen beyond it still burning brightly in my mind, the feelings still raw and throbbing. I avoided looking at Kelly, I could feel her wanting to say something, to continue the conversation that had started in her car, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it. It wasn’t anything worth digging up. Feelings, desires, and impulses could all be ignored.

“Come in” the mere sound of his voice drove me to pinch myself, clearly there was something off with me. I had to get away from all of this.

Kelly pulled me into the room, I was expecting to see Ray all wrapped up in someone else’s arms, but the room was filled with a tense sadness that made me both uncomfortable and relieved.

“Kelly! Liam! WOAH!!”

His eyes were huge as saucers and I thought it was simply adorable, the way his face went from utterly serious to completely star-struck. He was the most adorably cute, and dashingly handsome man I’d come across in a very long time. The thoughts, unbidden, would suffice to make me crack. I needed Zayn, and I needed him NOW.

“How’re you feeling mate?”

“I’m—thank you by the way, I was told it was you that gave me CPR when I fainted, thank you very much.”

“Not at all”

“I’m feeling very well; my parents are trying to get me outta here.”

“No need to inconvenience your parents. I’ll get them to release you into our care, don’t fret.”

I wanted to look around and figure out who’d said that, but I knew the voice well, it was a voice I’d heard often. I felt the knot settle into the back of my throat, my eyes suddenly couldn’t focus, and I feared my reaction would soon become obvious to all the people in the room.

“Oh. My. God.”

I turned around and there he was, smirking, with that devious face of his. Zayn.

“I’m sure that is not a good idea Zayn, me being one of the judges and all.”

“No problem Li, they’re not releasing him into your care, they’re releasing him into ours”

I took a deep breath to make a rebuttal, but Harry, Niall and Louis walked into the room. They all wore some variation of smugness on their face; not good. These guys were up to something, and I had a feeling it was meddling in affairs that ought not to be meddled in. I opened my mouth, but instead of fighting I just smiled. I’d kill each of them in their sleep, and they knew it. This was not how we needed to handle this situation.

“Well then, I’ll make arrangements at the hotel.”

I simply nodded and looked back to Ray. I immediately felt calmer, his hazel eyes shone under the hospital lights, and his lips, spread in a smile, made my heart slow down. I had to find a way to deal with this. I needed to somehow be okay, to make this whole situation just vanish, from my mind and wherever else it may appear to dwell. I found myself walking closer to his bed and immediately stopped moving, Kelly grabbed my arm and made it seem as if I had simply stepped up to her. I was losing grip, and the more time I spent in close quarters with him the worse it felt.

“Well, glad to see you’re okay mate, I’m going to jet off yeah? Big day tomorrow with talk-shows and all. Sleep well.”

I turned on my heel and walked out of the room, making sure to shoot each of my “mates” the dirtiest look I could.

****

Liam Payne. His name had become my own personal mantra; don’t get too close, don’t sniff him, don’t plan accidental bumps in the hallway, stop looking for him, don’t look his way with that look you get, stop looking at his ass, look away when he’s shirtless, and stop thinking about kissing him while he speaks. He was my mantra; I had to keep telling myself over and over all these things.

I’d been in the same hotel, on the same floor, in rooms with adjoining doors, with Liam for three days and I had barely managed to keep my hands to myself. Zayn and Harry had been constant visitors.

I was sitting in an armchair by the window; my iPod was blasting my next song: I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miz, I hated show-tunes; the Broadway thing just wasn’t for me. Thankfully Ryan had been kind enough to rent the French, Dramatic, and Musical versions of the play and dropped them off, along with a list of the most memorable interpretations of the song, and a thousand other suggestions.

The phone rang on the small table next to me. I picked it up, unaccustomed to not knowing who'd be on the other end of the call.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Ryan.”

“Hey, Ry."

“I’ve decided I’m moving to New York."

“Of course. What’s up?”

“I smiled my way up here, but I heard you muttering and I wanted to know if I could come in.”

“Sure!!”

I walked across the plush carpet to the door. I looked back for a second and realized I’d gotten very lucky, the room was like a piece of heaven, all whites and beiges accented in deep golds and light blues. It was a truly beautiful room.

“Okay, so I figured out what the trick is to make this song spectacular!”

“Pray, share.”

“Emotion!! You have to go beyond the crescendos and the falls, beyond the notes, the trembles, and the cues. You have to exude emotion, feel the truth behind the lyrics, feel the pain that the song is meant to convey, imagine your world falling apart around you, and project that into your voice, and you’re golden.”

“Ry, you know I don’t do deep emotions.”

“Well then, you’re just going to have to learn to act. This song is not right for you, but it does soar with vocals, which you have to show so that people know you’re okay. You are seen as the weakest link in the competition, the blogosphere is all abuzz about you, and how your stay in the hospital may have affected you. Not to mention the public has noticed that you don’t emote much, America doesn’t like aloof, not in the competition circle Mr.”

I looked at him, and I realized that Ryan was the smartest person I knew. Beneath the shallow exterior, and conceit; beneath the ditzy demeanor and diva attitude, there was a savvy young man, with his hand on the pulse of every trend and fad, always a step ahead. I appreciated him, more than he knew, but less than he wanted, it tore me to not be able to give him what he wanted, but I wouldn’t drag us into a dead-end relationship just to please him, even if it meant having to distance myself from him.

“Ry, I’m sorry.”

“That’s it! Listen to me ‘cause I’m only saying this ONCE: It’s done, buried, forgotten, and terminated. This is not going to get in between me and you. You are not pushing me away, you are not going to treat me like a porcelain doll, you’re not going to avoid talking to me about things, and you are most decidedly not going to lose this competition because you can’t tap into complex emotions, you’re the friend of a future Oscar winner, therefore you will learn to act, and the little subject of how I may have felt about you at one point or another is now moot. Agreed?”

There was such determination on his face that it was truly difficult to not be momentarily afraid of his intensity, his passion. There was a true lion in sheep’s clothing within him. He’d go far in the business; he was smart, strong, and talented.

“Okay, with that out of the way. I was thinking, if you dig back to how you felt when you were 12, remember that dog you’d adopted, and you started making all these plans—“

“I’m not digging up a dead dog. I think I know where to go with this. I’ll go through it and you let me know. Okay?"

“Hit it!”

I cleared my throat, and moved to the window, I needed to not look at anything specific. I turned back around, eyes closed. I could see the stage, single spotlight, the crowd holding its breath as the score begins to play. She was in the audience, her flaxen hair perfectly combed, her simple, yet elegant, dress was spotless, and next to her, with smiles on their faces were the brothers and sisters I would have loved to have. I felt the pain rise and I let my voice follow.

“I dreamed a dream in time gone by…”

***

“I know Zayn. It’s just…was this really necessary? Isn’t it a bit much?” My voice left me wondering why I was as angry as I sounded, I liked having Ray close, though the closeness was easily becoming almost unbearable.

“No Liam, it’s not. This isn’t like before, this is different! I know you, and right now you are acting completely unlike yourself. There’s something the matter and this Ray character’s got something to do with it yeah? SO here it is, silver platter, handed and served. Deal with this, and deal with it now.” The anger in Zayne's voice threw me for a second, but the fact that he thought he could tell me what to do made my blood boil.

As I turned to yell at Zayn, Ray's voice drifted into my room. Clear, powerful, and full of a sorrow so deep and so thorough that I felt as if a brick had been thrown at my stomach. The sheer melancholy behind it was enough to deflate my anger in mere seconds. I could almost see his face aglow with feeling, his hands hovering over the microphone, the single spotlight shinning on him on a darkened stage.

“But the tigers come at night/ With their voices soft as thunder/ As they tear your hopes apart/ As they turn your dreams, to shame….” The climb of the note was flawless, and heartbreaking. There was true sorrow there.

“Li, if you don’t go after him. I. Will.”

“Shut up you wanker! I’m missing the song.” I watched the adjoining door, focusing every ounce of my concentration on his voice. I wanted to hold him. I wanted him to know that I would do anything to keep him safe, to make him happy. I wanted to run into that room and soothe away the sorrow.

“Zayn, I’ve gotta call Fox.”

“Why’s that?”

“I can’t be a judge anymore, not so long as Ray is in the competition. I’m extremely biased.”

Zayn handed me my phone and smiled. His eyes shining with some weird light.

“Tell ‘em I’ll take over for the rest of the show. That way you won’t be in breach of contract.”

“Thanks mate.”

I kept my phone in my hand as I heard the last notes rise, I looked at the door and mustered up my courage, it was now or never.

***

I closed the note slowly, letting the last of it become a whisper. This may have started as a way to sell a song I had no desire to sing, but it had turned into a positively therapeutic moment. I worried for a second that I would never be able to conjure up this much emotion again, but I felt my wounds throb. I felt my past open and I knew there was enough there to sing a million ballads and never lack the proper emotion needed to pull it off.

“Ray—“

The adjoining door burst open and Liam stalked into my room. His eyes were fixed on me. There was a look in those eyes, something so terrifyingly real that I wanted to run, but I wouldn’t. I would stand my ground, for better or worse. In the space of a single breath his lips were on mine, tenderly, nervously, lovingly. I don’t remember actually kissing him back, but there I was; hands on his hips, eyes closed, lips moving. I was kissing Liam Payne. I was kissing him and the world was healing. Like this was my last breath I could feel every part of me relax, this was okay. This was what I'd been searching for, but never known how to express. I could end my life in this second, and I would die in all the happiness that any human could ever feel.