The Move - 1. Dear Jason

Dear Jason,

G'day brother! Now, before you call me a liar or something along those lines, yes I did say on our eighteenth that I needed to move on, but I don't know if I ever really can, you know? I still want to talk to you every single day. I even go to call you sometimes before I remember you're never going to pick up the phone and say "Ha you're gay" when you see it's me on the caller ID. Haha! You always made me laugh, even if you were a douche.

Wow, even when I'm writing a letter I ramble. Where are you to tell me to keep it short and sweet? "Shut up Dec." I miss hearing that! I miss hearing a lot of things from you. Do you know how quiet it is in our bedroom when it's just me there? Nobody sneaking in the loudest packet of chips in the world into their bed and thinking I'm not going to hear you crunching on them in the night because you didn't want to share. Can I tell you a secret? I sometimes still try to eat chips in bed as quietly as I can so you won't hear me. Is that weird? It sounds pretty weird.

I thought by three years and seven months that I'd be used to this by now, but I'm not. I don't know why it's taking me so long to adapt, Jase. Mum and Dad seem to be back to normal more or less, and I hate seeing them like that. I know it's stupid and selfish, but I want them to be miserable all the time like I am. It's just... lonely, you know? Why am I the only one who keeps struggling with this? I hate it. Sometimes Mum calls me Jason by accident and that upsets her, but she's doing really well Jase. Dad too. I know they miss you in their own way, but it's just not enough for me.

Anyway, I have some news. I graduated from high school! It was the most bittersweet thing in the world, Jase. I'm already crying like a big bloody sook just typing this, but they even had a little memorial for you. It... wow, Jase. It was the loveliest thing in the world. There was a photo of us together, that one where we both won awards in the state maths challenge, and all these people, like our friends and our teachers said how much they missed you and how much they loved you still, and I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. Not even when I found you in the bath and not at your funeral either. I mean, I just couldn't stop and I held up the whole night because I just went to pieces. I'm not as good at holding myself together without you there to help me. It was okay in the end, everyone was really good to me. They tried, but... well, you knew me better than they do.

So, yeah. I got an okay ATAR score. I know I could probably have done better, and so do Mum and Dad for that matter, but... it's just a number, you know? Everyone was breaking down over that stupid number, working themselves into a frenzy and crying and stuff, it just all seemed so trivial to me. You mean the world to me Jase, and if I can lose you and still keep going on, then no stupid Year 12 score can get in my way, right?

Anyway Jase, there are a couple of reasons I'm writing to you today instead of coming to see you in person. I promised both you and myself that I can't come back to see you at the cemetery, and I'm going to keep that promise, at least for a long time. Maybe until our twenty-first? That's such a big birthday that even now I can't imagine celebrating it without you. I know you probably miss me coming to see you, and I'm so sorry that I'm not doing that anymore. It was just way too hard on me. You're so cold and alone in that horrible place, but if I talk to you here, then you're warm and happy again. Does that make sense? I'm sorry if I'm being selfish, but... I think I need to be now. I don't want to think of you cold, alone and... dead. But when I come to see you, I can't think of you any other way. I don't want that anymore.

Haha. This is so hard to write. I almost think it was easier just to blab and cry to you. I know, shut up Declan, stop crying. Was I always crying so much? I don't know if it's because I miss you so much that I'm always full of tears, or maybe it's because I'm just naturally a huge sook and you always made everything better. Maybe it's both? Anyway, this rambling is hilarious. I keep expecting you to just hit me on the back of the head and say "Shut up Dec" like you always did. Sorry! I'll try to keep on track, but you know I'm bad at it.

The other reason I'm writing is because I'm not living at home anymore. I'm out, Jase! I found a nice studio apartment in the city and that's where I am right now! Last night was my first night by myself, and I don't know if I've ever been lonelier. I dreamed about you non-stop last night. I mean, that's not something new, you've been in my dreams ever since you died, but these last few weeks since I decided to leave I've been seeing you every night.

Jase, I'm struggling, okay? It's so hard. I need you more than I ever have, I think. Where the hell are you? You're not just my brother, you're my best friend and I need you here with me. Why aren't you here, you jerk? Why did you leave me in the first place? Did you really hate me that much? I know I was probably hard to love, but I loved you! No, I still love you. I always will, Jase, but I'm still so mad at you for leaving me like that! I have good days, but sometimes all I want to do is the same thing you did just so I can see you again for real, but I'm not a jerk like you are. I'd never do to anyone what you did to me!

I'm sorry for saying things like that, but I have to say them. Besides, don't act like you wouldn't force them out of me anyway, if you were here. I suppose if there's something good to come out of this whole mess, it's that I'll never have to hear you singing "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain" in that horrible off-key voice again when you were trying to make me do something. Hahaha.

So it was my first night in this apartment by myself, Jase. And I dreamed you were sleeping next to me in my bed like we used to after we watched something scary or one of us got in a lot of trouble or something... or if I was just really lonely or sad and you would hop in with me just to shut me up. You really did put up with a lot from me, didn't you? Lol. Well, you were there last night, and we were just talking about stuff. And then you told me you'd be here for me no matter what and you loved me, and when I woke up, I really, really thought you were there next to me. Then I went to touch you to make sure, but there was nothing there. That was a really cruel joke you played on me, Jase. I'm still crying about it, but... it's not just a sad cry, I guess.

Alright, I took a few minutes and now as I write this, I'm also starting to realise maybe it was just your way of reminding me that in some way you really are always here with me. I told you when I gave you that muffin for our birthday that I'll always have a part of you with me, and I guess... that was the proof. It was the loneliest thing in the world Jase, to think you were there but to find out you weren't, but now that I think about it, it was probably the nicest thing you could have done for me. I'm so glad you didn't forget about me. If you ever feel like coming back into my dreams, then please do. It's not like it was before I said goodbye to you at the cemetery, Jase, where you were always sad and angry. In these dreams you're here and you're happy. I want to see as much of that as I can, because I think you at least owe me that much.

Damn, I know I'm all over the place! I have a lot of feelings I guess. Oh, another thing! I brought a lot of your clothes with me, because I still fit into them! Mum said you and I were late bloomers and we had another growth spurt in us, but pfft. Shows how much she knows! I'm still exactly the same size I was when you and I went to the city and had a shopping spree. That was almost four years ago, now. Anyway, I just need to remind you that your fashion sense blows, but I'm wearing one of your ugly shirts right now and it's nice. Maybe I'll do it whenever I need to feel close to you or when I get behind on my laundry. Lol

Well, that about catches you up, Jase. I miss you like crazy and I love you even more than that, but I'm still angry that you left me the way you did without even letting me tell you how much I love you. I don't know if coming to me last night was your way of trying to make things better, but I really appreciate it. If I could trade places with you, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I can't. I want to be with you right now, but I can't. I still have so much I need to do first, I'm sorry. But can you just please promise me that next time we're together, you won't leave me? If you do, then I'll forgive you for leaving me this time. Okay Jase?

Maybe I'll write to you again soon. When things got hard, you always knew how to make me feel better. Even when you're not here, you still make me feel better. I don't know how you do it!
Jag älskar dig. ❤️
Dec x

Thank you very much for reading