Empty - 1. Little Did I Know

“You’ll find love once again, A. You’ll be able to smile just like you have in the past. I’ve completely lost my light and I’m afraid nothing can reignite it, not even the love I hold for you. I believe you can reignite your light after this. It may take time, but I know that someone will come and reignite your light once more. I’ll always love you A. Now and forever…”

That whole messed up scene is from 2 years ago. The person who said those words was my last boyfriend and best friend, Alex Packard. He killed himself right in front of me after saying those words. The reason, you ask, is because he’d “lost his light”. Essentially, his parents and his entire family passed away in a car accident leaving him as the sole survivor of his family name. He was at the crime scene that day and the horrors he saw, he was never able to un-see and that basically ate away at his soul. He started becoming a mere shadow of who he was then one day he called me over to his house to see him and BANG! He shot himself in the head and was gone. Just. Like. That.

Me? I’ve just had to go on living. Obviously, I’m also now not the same person I was. In fact, I don’t even know who I was. I walk into my house every day and see the pictures of a happy, beautiful boy with his beautiful family and they all have smiles on their faces. I wonder if that boy was me because whenever I look into the mirror, all I see is this hideous monster with a permanent scowl, long hair that hides his face, pale blue eyes that hide behind his hair and an attitude that no parent should deal with. Yes, I am absolute hell on earth. I have no friends; my family avoids me, and my grades aren’t the best they’ve been since his death. I just don’t have it in me to care anymore. My home life isn’t too bad, it’s school that’s the problem.

“Ugh… Another fucking “everything is perfect” love song…” I internally bemoaned as mom drove up to the school. Mom loved listening to the pop song radio stations everyday and today, it seemed like she’d changed it to love songs. Just great.

“Have a great day at school honey. Your father will be here to pick you up at 2 and you need to see to getting a haircut. It’s been 2 years and well…” my mom started then trailed off as she saw the look of indifference on my face. She realised that she was fighting a lost battle already and bringing up the fact that it’s the 2 year “anniversary” of my friend’s death wasn’t aiding her efforts. Yes, the last time I cut my hair was the day he killed himself, so today is the “anniversary”! Yay! Not.

“I’ll try have a good day and stay out of trouble. I’ll be here when dad arrives. I’ll see you later mom,” I said as I hopped out the car and walked towards the school.

Fairdale High School. A place where only the rich may go. It has no real rivals nearby as it was quite easily the most expensive school you can send you child to. Honestly, I didn’t care that my parents were the richest, yet I dressed like “middle-class scum” as some of the snooty kids here would put it. I couldn’t care less what my appearance looked like. I felt no need to put any effort into life anymore. Too much energy expended and honestly, no one here is worth the effort.

Recently I got a new nickname. “The boy who never smiles”. Neat, huh? A rather accurate description of me. I don’t smile at all anymore. After that day, I’ve never found a reason to smile and so all people see on my face is a scowl. Even my so-called “friends” keep their distance because of my upkeep, or lack thereof, of my life. Quite frankly, I stopped caring about things like relationships a long time ago. As much as you see me as a horrible person, I couldn’t give a flying fuck what you thought. You are entitled to your opinion of me and at the end of the day, that’s for you.

I came out before the whole saga occurred, so people have a vague understanding of what occurred, but no one has approached me to ask what really happened and if I am okay. That kind of built my nonchalant attitude towards life and everything in general.

At lunch I sit alone. Not the “He’s a loser, don’t sit with him” alone, just… Alone. No one sits near me or at my table. No one tries to interact or socialise with me. I stopped caring about such trivial things and spend most of my time just sitting and eating my lunch. Occasionally I’ll spice it up and look around and see what’s going on. I rarely do this (about once every two weeks) so I’m bound to miss quite a lot. Today’s glimpse saw me starting by looking at the lower-upper class kids. These are the “rich but not quite there” kids. They seem to have gotten a new addition recently. Good for them, they need the numbers. Then there are the middle-upper class kids. A rank higher than the previous group but not quite on top. They still seem to have the same numbers, although it looks like some friction is starting up between them and the upper-upper class kids (sounds weird… upper-upper…). The top tier with parents who have more money than they know what to do with. I’m naturally still at the top, but I don’t care for all that, so some dope named Tristan Wells is at the top. Good for him I say. Wait, there seems to be a new table in the cafeteria. This table is so weird cause it is a mix of all the other groups. Wasn’t there 2 weeks ago, but I guess 2 weeks can change a lot in this place. Looks like 2 of them are boyfriends. Lovebirds. Lucky for them. I just hope one of them isn’t a suicidal psychopath like my boyfriend or they’ll end up like me. Ha-ha (I have no sense of humour at all). There is one boy in that group, however, who seems… off… Like he doesn’t belong there. Like his existence wouldn’t be missed if he were to vanish tomorrow. Well, to me it appeared that way until someone appeared and took residence next to him and they engaged in conversation. Guess I completely misread the situation. Oh well, back to my lunch. Observation time is over.

“Can we sit here?” came 2 voices from in front of me.

“Who in their right mind would volunteer to sit with me?” I asked myself as I looked up.

“Don’t know if you possess the ability to do such, but if you do, then you may be seated. I am sure my imaginary friends won’t mind,” I replied going back to eating my lunch and ignoring my uninvited guests.

“My name’s Grayson and this is my friend Rudolph. We noticed you were sitting here alone and we decided to come over and sit with you. We’re new here and well, we don’t think we fit in with the other groups,” the guy named Grayson said as he and Rudolph took their respective seats opposite me. “So, what’s your name if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Wait, they aren’t here to eat their lunches in peace, but are rather here to socialise and make a new friend and have probably mistaken me for a new kid. Just great.”

“My name…” I began, stopping myself as I realised that I hadn’t given someone my name as an extension to becoming acquaintances with them in quite a long time (over 2 years to be exact). I briefly looked up and just as briefly responded, “My name is Arnold Williams. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”.

“So, you actually have a name? I thought that was a myth,” Rudolph tried to joke, but sadly the joke never reached my face that was still as straight-faced as it had ever been. “And the lack of a smile was also true.” He muttered without really trying to hide what he was saying.

“Be nice, Rudolph. Geez,” Grayson scolded his friend and then turned his attention to me. Just when he was about to start speaking the bell rang, signalling the end of break and time for me to head to my last class of the day. “Oh fuck, before we got to know you better.” He said clearly unhappy about the situation. “You’ll be here tomorrow, won’t you?” Grayson asked eagerly.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I replied standing up and walking away from the pair that was now chattering amongst themselves. “Weird…” I thought to myself.

After my last class I headed outside and put on my earphones while waiting for dad.

“He’s later than usual…” I thought to myself as I gazed up into the sky. As the music hit me, I started to think as to why I wasn’t a good enough reason for Alex to stay. The song I was listening to was I song I heard while his body was being carried off as a corpse. It made me wonder why I wasn’t good enough for him to keep on living, why I was good enough to leave behind. Was I damaged goods? Was it because my parents were crazy rich, and they could buy back my "love”? They could just buy me a new “light”? Why had Alex abandoned me?

Little did I know, but someone had been watching me as I stood there, looking at the sky; listening to music; lost in my own thoughts of Alex and waiting for my dad. Someone had taken notice of me and someone wanted to know me. Little did I know that I had someone who was obsessed with me. Little did I know…